Chapter Text
“See, you do know how to hug.”
Bonnie’s little face looks up at you, grinning, practically glowing. They don’t hate you. They don’t hate you. They don’t hate you.
“Looks like I do, yeah.”
“Okay!” Bonnie nods firmly, giggling a bit. “I’m gonna go make you some food that you’re not allergic to, ‘cause I guess you threw up a lot of your breakfast, right?”
You nod and wave at them as they march away. You're a little nervous to eat after, well, everything, but all the same, you really are hungry now that the nausea has subsided.
Once they’re gone, you hug your arms, breathing slowly in and out. They…they really hugged you. They’ve never done that before. Because they…thought you didn’t like it? Because everyone thought you didn’t like it?
That explains a lot, you suppose. Why nobody ever pulled you into their group hugs, or shook you awake from nightmares, or let their head rest on you when you all went to a play. Stars, even if anyone touched you by accident, you'd noticed they'd flinch away. You'd never really understood it, but if they thought it'd upset you…
Maybe you should…tell them that you don’t mind being touched?
No, no, that’s silly. Saying that out of context would sound so desperate. You’ll maybe bring it up if it comes up on its own, but you’re definitely not just going to walk up to everyone and go, “Hey, guess what, you can touch me if you want to!”
Still, you smile as you think of the feeling of Bonnie clinging to you. They care about you. They love you.
You breathe in and out once more, and then go back inside, noticing Loop at the window as you do. They’re staring right out at the spot where you and Bonnie just were.
You clear your throat softly. They startle and turn around. “Stardust! Were you just staring at me? Little creepy, hmm?”
You cross your arms. “You were literally just staring at me! That whole time!”
Loop giggles. "Well. Do as I say, not as I do, huh?”
You roll your eyes, crossing your arms, and they giggle again. Blinding annoying.
“So, I see the two of you seem to be getting along better,” they remark. Their tone is oddly breezy, and something about it pokes uncomfortably at your brain.
“Uh. Yeah.” You clear your throat. “It was…it was good to talk to them. Did you tell them to do that?”
“Mm-hm. You’re welcome, Stardust.”
“Don’t do that,” you huff. “I really do appreciate that, you know that?”
“Gross! Genuine thanks?” Loop feigns a gag. Stars, they are insufferable!
“You deserve it,” you mumble, and then add, "Although you're deserving it less and less by the second." As soon as you've said it, you regret it—you don't want them to think you don't really mean it.
If your addition hurt Loop's feelings, they don't show it. "Aw. Well, aren’t you sweet,” they hum.
There’s a long silence. You watch Loop carefully. They stretch their shoulders, drum their fingers on the windowsill, tap their foot. There’s something frenetic in their motion, though you can't place why.
You tilt your head in their direction. “You, um…you look a little restless.”
“Do I?” Loop’s eyes smile at you. “I suppose I am, a bit. Other than our little near-death-experience-related foray, I guess I’ve been a bit cooped up.”
You nod. “We could, um. Take a walk, if you want?”
Loop snorts. “You should see yourself, Stardust. You look like you’d collapse if you tried.”
Do you? You really don’t feel that—
Oh. No, yeah, you totally do. As soon as you begin to take stock of your body, exhaustion hits you all at once. Theoretically you should be more with it given that you took a nap not that long ago, but then…you did also nearly die earlier.
“I’d go on a walk with you, Loop!”
You startle, clutching your chest as you turn to see Mirabelle behind you.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” She clamps a hand over her mouth. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you!”
You give her a thumbs up to show her she hasn’t done anything wrong. Her brow relaxes, and you feel your heart lighten as well. You always worry about her when she seems upset—powerful as she is, she’s also so sensitive that it’s hard not to fear that she’ll crack.
“Okay…” Mirabelle clears her throat, looking at the ground. “Well. If you’d like to go on a walk with me, Loop, I’d be happy to.”
“Oh?” Loop’s eyes widen. They look…genuinely startled?
Mirabelle grins. "Yeah! I’ve been kind of wanting to get to know you better, honestly…ah, I hope it’s not too forward of me to say so? I just, you seem really cool, and…”
Loop is silent for a long moment, before quietly saying, “Alright.”
“Okay!” Mirabelle breaks into an even bigger smile. “Should…should we go, then?”
“Let’s.” Loop reaches out a hand to her, and tentatively, she takes it.
“Oh!” Mirabelle gasps as their hands make contact. “Loop, your hands are so warm!”
Loop looks genuinely surprised at the comment. “Well, ah, I suppose that makes sense. I am a star, after all, teehee!”
“Oh, that makes sense!” Mirabelle giggles along with them, then turns back to you. “You get some rest, alright, Siffrin? Change knows you need it.”
“Okay,” you mumble with a yawn. “You two have a nice walk.”
You watch them leave, and find yourself praying to whatever it is you pray to that their sojourn will go well.
✧˖ °. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁‧₊˚ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁˖°✧
You’re out on a walk with the Housemaiden, and you’re already regretting it. Not because of anything she did—you can’t even imagine that. But you shouldn’t let yourself get too close. You know that. You’re not stupid. So…stop letting yourself be charmed by her smile. Stop letting yourself focus on the sparkle in her eyes and the sweet smell of her shampoo. Stop letting yourself miss your own Housemaiden, your M—
“Loop?”
You look up. Oops. Were you doing something wrong?
“You’re clenching your fists. Are you alright?”
You were!!! Stop letting people think you’re upset!!!!! “I’m alright. It's just…been a long day.”
“Yeah.” The Housemaiden sighs. “I feel awful that I left. I could have given Siffrin more help and healed their reaction faster…”
“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known. Nobody could.” Well, except you, but that’s a moot point.
“I guess,” the Housemaiden mumbles. “Still, though, I can’t thank you enough.”
You shrug. The compliment makes your stomach squirm. She’s too blinding nice. “Anyone would have done the same.”
“I suppose,” she replies. “But you did it, and we’re all very glad that Siffrin is okay.”
“I am too,” you say. Is this true? You’re not sure.
Oh, who are you kidding. Of course you are. And you hate it. You want to want him gone, and yet you feel relief every time you see him and remember he’s alive and you want to tear your stupid blinding skin off and take him with you.
“Loop…” the Housemaiden begins, but immediately trails off.
“What’s up?” you prompt.
“Never mind,” she mutters. “It’s silly.”
Against your better judgment, you say, “Well, I don’t mind silly.”
“It’s just…” The Housemaiden swallows. “I don’t know. I just…I can’t tell if you’re happy here with us.”
The question strikes you like a dagger to the throat.
Are you happy? Ha. What a concept. You’re blinding miserable, aren’t you? Watching someone just like you get everything you wanted, and the people you love fail to recognize you? It’s the worst torment you could possibly imagine.
You shrug. “Happy enough.”
“If you say so.” The Housemaiden sounds just a bit doubtful, but doesn't press it. Maybe she should. Maybe she should push until your whole stack of lies comes tumbling down, until she and everyone else know and hate you for who you truly are, but she won't. She's too kindhearted for that.
“How about you?” you ask.
“Oh!” The Housemaiden blinks at you. “Well, I…I mean, we beat the King, and we’re staying together, and I…I have nothing to be unhappy about, so why would I be?”
“That’s not an answer,” you point out.
The Housemaiden looks at the ground. “I don’t know. It’s weird. Being back here, it makes me feel so…small sometimes.”
“Small?” you repeat. Something in you just wants to keep hearing her voice, even though you know you shouldn’t. This isn't yours to take.
“Mhm.” She nods, and gently pulls her hand away to wring her fingers together. You want to take her hand back again, but you can't. You've got to stop grabbing for the life you can never get back. “It’s like…I had a purpose when I was on a journey to fight the King. But now…I don’t know. Am I any different from the girl who lived here a year ago? I still feel so scared all the time."
She is different. You know she is. You thought that, once upon a time, under a tree just like the one here in Dormont, not realizing how you were dooming yourself.
“Oh, sorry, I don’t know why I said that,” the Housemaiden says with an awkward laugh. “It’s not like you’d know the answer to that. We just met, after all.”
“Yeah.” You try to keep the bitterness from seeping into your tone. You’re not sure if it works. “We sure did.”
The Housemaiden shrugs. “Hm.” She pauses for a moment, then asks, “You don’t mind if I talk at you, do you? I just kind of…need to put my thoughts into order, and it’s easier to talk to you for some reason.”
Your stomach twists, the irony of it all hitting you so sharply that it chokes you, and yet you play it off with a nonchalant raise of an eyebrow.“Is it really?”
“I don’t know.” The Housemaiden tilts her head as she looks at you. “I feel like I should know you, somehow.”
You want to tell her. You ache to tell her. Everything in you desperately wants her to love you as Siffrin, the way another her once did before you stupidly squandered it all.
If you tell her, though, she will not love you. She will despise you. As she probably should.
“Can I ask you kind of a weird question?” the Housemaiden hums.
“Go ahead,” you reply. “I can’t promise you I’ll have an answer, but I’ll try.”
“Do you, um…” The Housemaiden fidgets with her brooch. “Do you follow any kind of faith? Obviously, you don’t have to answer if that’s too personal, I just…”
“It’s not too personal,” you promise. You’re not sure if it’s true, and you’re too tired to interrogate that feeling right now. In your experience, it only ever leads to a headache. “And, yes, I follow…hm.” You know you asked about this once or twice in your own timeline, and never got an answer you wanted, but maybe here, where things are different… “...have you ever heard of the Universe?”
The Housemaiden’s brow furrows. “Hm. I’m sure I have, but I can’t remember where…” She pinches her forehead. “Ugh, I’m sure I’ve studied something about this in one of my classes about world cultures, but I’m coming up with nothing…”
“Don’t worry about it,” you hasten to tell her. “Wouldn’t want to give yourself a migraine from thinking too hard.” You know that feeling all too well, after all.
“I know, but I just…” The Housemaiden trails off, and then snaps her fingers. “Wait, I think I know where I heard about it! I think maybe…Siffrin follows that as well? Or knows something about it? They haven’t talked much about it, though…”
Ah, of course. “Mhm, they do follow the Universe as well.”
“Is that how you two met?” the Housemaiden asks. “Something related to the Universe?”
You can’t help but snort. She has no idea how much she’s right on the money, but not in the way she thinks. “Yeah. Something like that.”
The Housemaiden breaks into a smile. "Oh, how lovely! I suppose it makes sense. I’ve heard Siffrin talk about stars before, and you’re, well…” She gestures towards your head. “But I’m glad you two have that in common.”
Oh, she hasn’t the slightest idea how much you and sweet little Stardust have in common. You resist the urge to laugh bitterly.“So, what has you asking about this out of nowhere?”
“I don’t know.” The Housemaiden shrugs lightly and looks down at her hands. “I’ve just been…thinking about my own faith recently, I suppose.” Her voice drops as she adds, “I guess I’ve been thinking about…what makes someone a good follower of a faith?”
Ah. You know this crisis. You’ve seen her have it countless times. You should, in theory, know how to help her through it.
How is it you used to do this? Something like…?
“Look, I’m no expert on the Change belief, but I think in terms of good Housemaidens, you’re pretty high up on the list. I mean, the Head Housemaiden blessed you for a reason, didn’t she?”
The Housemaiden’s eyes widen, and you immediately realize your mistake.
She wheels on you, visibly shaking. “How do you—? I’ve never told anyone but the other Saviors about—!!!”
“Whoa, hey!” you interrupt, raising your hands. “I know things without being told, remember? And there’s nobody within hearing range. Your secret is safe with me.”
That calms her a bit, but she still looks at you warily. “...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out on you like that. Just…I’ve been so scared of anyone finding out, and…!”
“You’re alright,” you promise. “Either way, the King is gone, and that’s your doing. If saving the whole blinding country doesn’t make you a good Housemaiden, I don’t know what would.”
“Thank you, Loop. I appreciate that.” She smiles, but it looks rather strained. “I still feel awful for lying, though. I didn’t actually expect people to believe me. I mean, how silly is the idea that Change themself, who never interacts with humans, would spend their time blessing some random barely-an-adult Housemaiden from the middle of nowhere? Especially one with next to no practical skills, who isn’t even able to…”
She doesn’t need to finish the sentence for you to know how it ends. You’ve asked her about the papers in her drawer in one of your loops, before you stopped going back to Dormont.
But…you know she’s not ready to hear about that just yet. If you tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she shouldn’t ever expect to want romance or sex, because that’s not in the cards, she’ll freak out even more than she already has, and you can’t have that. You have to go about this tactfully.
“I think…you’re just as you were meant to be.”
The Housemaiden tilts her head. “How so?”
“I suppose it’s part of the whole Universe thing,” you reply. You’re…fairly certain that’s true. Your memory is less foggy than it was before, but there’s certain things you will never get back. “But…I don’t know, my philosophy is…there are some things that are just out of your control. I know Vaugardians are all about changing everything about yourselves, but sometimes that’s not an option, and trying will only bring you grief.”
The Housemaiden frowns. “I don’t think I could live with that mindset, personally. Not—not that I think your faith is wrong, of course! But just…it seems a little fatalistic to me. I’d like to believe that if you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it if you just figure out how!” She pauses, brow furrowing. “I mean, um, not that I’d like to believe, I meant I do believe, haha! Sorry, that came out weird…”
Yeah, right. You can see right through that one. “I don’t know. In my experience, it doesn’t always work that way. And…sometimes things change when they really should have stayed the same, and you can’t control that either.”
After all, isn’t that the case for you? You thought nothing could be worse than being stuck, forever, on the same unchanging day until the people you loved became nothing more than characters in some grand cosmic play, repeating their lines as they marched to the same death while only you were trapped seeing it again and again? But that was before you experienced being entirely unknown to those same loved ones, while some other you who never had to survive that same trauma gets to take your place at their side, and has the audacity to invite you in to their shiny new life without even realizing that they’re stealing the life you should have had.
It’s torment worse than you could have ever imagined, and all because you tried to change things without considering the consequences. So…yeah, if ever there were a poster child for not trying too hard to change things you can’t control, that’d be you.
“Hm.” The Housemaiden frowns. “So…if there was a way you’re supposed to be, and you just…aren’t? What do you do with that?”
“You live with it,” you reply. “The way one is now is the way the Universe intended them to be.” Your purpose, for example, is apparently to be a cosmic chew toy, thrown this way and that for some higher power’s amusement. Or something like that. Whatever it is you did to deserve this, you haven’t the slightest idea.
The Housemaiden, of course, is not being punished. By the Change God, or the Universe, or anything. She’s every higher power’s favorite little princess. And your job is to help, isn’t it? So help you shall.
“I have no doubt, Housemaiden,” you tell her, “that you’re just as you should be. You only need to change about yourself the things you want to. But you’re allowed to keep the things you like, or even just don’t mind, the same.”
“...Huh.” The Housemaiden blinks, looking at you as if she’s trying to unravel you with her mind. "That's nice, but…I don't know. Can I really be a good follower of Change if I don't Change this?"
You think for a moment, trying to find the best way to comfort her. "Maybe," you finally say, "the thing that you're meant to Change is not yourself, but others' expectations that you have to live this very specific life? I'm far from an expert, but I think the real pro-Change mindset here is the one that allows you not to adhere to rigid social guidelines. I dunno, though, teehee!"
"Heh, yeah, maybe!" The Housemaiden still looks rather uncomfortable, but she allows herself to giggle a bit along with you. "Hm. I kind of like that, actually."
“Glad I could assist.” That’s what you’re here for, after all.
“Yeah! You really did!” She giggles. Stars, she’s so cute. You’re sick of this. You’re sick of not being seen. You want to tear your skin off.
But you don’t do anything, just walk in silence for a minute.
“Loop?”
“Hm?”
“You know you can call me Mirabelle, right?”
Ha. You wish. But not yet. You can’t get ahead of yourself. “No. I can’t explain why, but I can’t.”
“Oh.” She tilts her head. “Mira, then? After all, Siffrin and Isabeau have called me that since we’ve been friends, and…I’d like to be your friend as well.”
She doesn’t get it. She can’t get it. “I can’t do that either.”
“You can’t call me Mira?” she clarifies. “Or you can’t be my friend?”
You…can’t even bring yourself to answer. Nausea churns within you. “...you should talk to Stardust about this stuff sometime.”
“About what?” asks the Housemaiden.
“About…the stuff about your faith. And not feeling like enough. I think he would understand more than you realize.”
“Oh?” The Housemaiden smiles a bit. “Maybe I will.” She sighs. She opens her mouth as if to ask something more, then shuts it. You wonder what she was going to ask, but at the same time you're afraid you won't be able to answer.“On that note, we should probably go back. I’ve been worrying about him, after that reaction…”
“I’m sure they’re alright,” you promise. “That Stardust is one tough cookie.” In fact, you know just what it would take to break them, and a near-death experience is far from enough.
“Still. I want to check on them.”
You laugh softly. “Yeah. So do I.”
“Siffrin is lucky to have you,” the Housemaiden remarks. “Someone who knows you so well…it’s really a gift.”
A gift, she says. A gift. She really has no idea.
If you could throw up right now, you probably would.
The feeling only worsens when the Housemaiden reaches for your hand with a small smile. You try not to think about the familiar texture and warmth of her palms as the two of you walk back together, just the same as they felt cupping your chin in the loop where you thought everything would change. Try as you might, your brain tortures you with the memories anyway.