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Caleb felt like he couldn’t get enough air. His head was swimming and he tasted bile in the back of his throat slowly rising. Beau and Nott were sitting there, judging him for what he had done, he knew by the looks on their faces that they would never be able to see him without thinking of murder again.
He needed air. The Pillow Trove was beautiful but the air was still stale inside his windowless room. Beau left, Nott told him it wasn’t his fault, he knew she meant well but he would never be able to believe her. His blind faith had lead him to murder the two people who cared most about him in the world. Nott had to be thinking he was capable of murdering the few people he truly cared about now. She held him and put a promise into that hold, one of loyalty. A promise that she wouldn’t leave him. His hands shook.
He couldn’t breathe. His chest restricted tighter and tighter with every breath out, like a snake was slowly squeezing him to death. His fears coiled around his body and even when Nott went to sit on the floor he felt arms tight around his body. He couldn’t hear what she was saying anymore, an ocean rushed in his head. No, that wasn’t right. He heard the sound of wood burning and cracking under the stress of the flames. He could practically smell the smoke in this tiny room.
He wanted fresh air. But that was outside, away from the relative safety of this room. He may have to see others of their friends and how could he explain to them what was happening? He wasn’t even sure if he could speak. The burn of acid at the back of his throat was subsiding but his hands were shaking harder. He was sure if he tried to stand his legs would be like jello.
But he couldn’t get enough air.
“I..I think I need to go for a walk. I will see you in a little bit.” Caleb rose from his seat on the edge of the bed, snapping to bring Frumpkin to him. He held the cat, petting him and feeling the vibrations of the purr as he walked from the room, down and out into the Tri Spire. He tried to take deep lungfuls of air, letting the cool night air sooth his blood.
He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand on the small of his back.
“Darling, what do you think you’re doing wandering out here all by yourself? Don’t you know there are predators everywhere, even in the gated communities?”
He could hear more then see the smile in Molly’s voice even when he turned to look at the man. He just kept moving forward, not bothering to say anything and hoping Molly would take the hint and leave him alone. His hands were still shaking and his head was starting to spin again.
“Hey, Caleb but really. Why are you out here by yourself? I thought we were all celebrating together in the girls room,” Molly kept his hand on him as he spoke, hoping the gentle contact would serve as an anchor point for Caleb. He had seen panic attacks before, had plenty himself too, and knew that the light contact could help.
Caleb said nothing, but turned down an alley and sank to the ground with his back against the wall. Molly followed, moving his hand to Caleb’s shoulder and pulling him close to his chest. Frumpkin mewed as Caleb dropped him in his lap, opting to fist his hands in Molly’s robe.
He hadn’t noticed before, but Molly was only wearing simple trousers and his robe, it looked like he had dressed in a hurry when he saw Caleb exit the Pillow Trove. But he was warm even in this cold air and Caleb needed something to cling to.
He breathed in the sent of Molly and finally a full breath filled his lungs. He smelled like sweat and musk and vaguely of cinnamon. Caleb filled himself with those scents and he let himself cry. Caleb grieved for his parents in a way he hadn’t before. He didn’t believe Nott, their deaths had been his fault. He may not have loaded the gun but he pulled the trigger. He grieved for his parents and he grieved for himself. He lost a part of himself on that day, and even though he had realized he broke when he heard them scream, he hadn’t realized that a part of him died then too.
Molly held Caleb, running fingers down his back and though his hair as he cried. He was silent, letting Calebs emotions run their course. A week or so ago he had told Caleb there “would be time for this later” and later was now. It was time for Caleb to let go of what was eating him, even just for this moment. He knew a person like Caleb wouldn’t let go of something forever, but for now was enough.
Each breath became easier and the tears stopped after a few minutes. His hands stopped shaking and his mind came back to him. But still he stayed, listening to Molly’s beating heart as the after affects started. He could feel his own heart beat in his hands and ears. His muscles were sore and his mouth was dry. But he was here, he had made it. And Molly was here with him.
“If you want to talk, I’m here Caleb. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, or ever really. But if you need me, I’ll be here.”
Caleb nodded slowly, rubbing his face against Molly before sit up on his own.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.. I’m sorry.”
“There is nothing to be sorry for Caleb.”
“I don’t know if I can talk about it yet. But thank you Mollymauk. That means the world to me.”
“I’ll always be here Caleb, you don’t need to worry about that.”
The pair stood and Molly leaned in to kiss Caleb on the forehead once more. “Lets go back to the Pillow Trove and get some rest,” he said, whiping the tear tracks from Caleb’s cheeks.
Caleb held his cat in one hand and took Molly’s with the other, and the pair walked away.