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The house was starting to feel like a prison. And it was his own body that kept him there instead of chains and violence. Perhaps it was unfair of him to think like this, after all he and Keith had known this would be a stressful time. A new-born was a huge change and needed a lot of attention.
They hadn’t expected this though.
Shiro’s back hurt and he shifted on the bed, trying to find a better position. He used to sleep on his stomach but that wasn’t an option anymore and the Altean prosthetic, as handy as it was, made it impossible to lie on his right-side.
Left-side it was.
He could see the window. It was a beautiful day outside, perhaps he should go into the garden before Keith came back.
Ryou’s three-months check-up was today, otherwise Keith probably wouldn’t have left the house. He was worried. Everyone was worried about Shiro and it felt as if he was failing something that Keith had mastered with comparative ease.
Not that he hadn’t complained but his pregnancy had been smooth sailing without complications and few side-effects. Once the morning sickness had passed, Keith had practically breezed through it, the worst being some swollen feet towards the end of it.
Shiro sighed when he felt that he needed another bathroom break. He never got more than a few hours these days before he had to go again. Or because Ryou had woken them again. He didn’t want to resent his son that he had wanted so very much, that he had loved from the moment he knew of his existence.
Perhaps he wasn’t meant to be a parent.
His stomach growled as he was washing his hands but Shiro was reluctant to eat anything that he would throw up in a few hours anyway. His morning sickness hadn’t gotten the memo that it should stop after the first few months. He had already put on less weight than he was meant to, but he was also reluctant to take any medication.
If Keith’s doctor hadn’t suggested that Shiro’s ‘sympathetic pregnancy’ might not be so sympathetic after all, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed before miscarrying. It made him wonder if he had been pregnant before, if the episodes of stress-vomiting and irritability hadn’t just been due to the war, but he had been too scared to ask.
While he was standing in front of the cupboard, the front door opened. Shiro stood and watched as Keith set down the baby carrier to close the door gently instead of kicking it closed as usual. A sure sign that Ryou was asleep.
“Hey.” Keith’s quiet tone when he greeted Shiro with a kiss was another one. “Are you hungry?” He asked when he noticed the open cupboard.
“Not really.”
“Shiro…”
“I know. I’ll make some rice.” It was bland enough not to upset his senses even though the idea of eating plain rice was just so…it reminded him of the war, of the gruel they had gotten served as prisoners, of the mush the castle had produced, of the aftermath of the Galra invasion.
“Why don’t you sit down and I make you some?” Keith replied, gesturing to the kitchen table where he had put Ryou in his carrier. Their son was fast asleep, his little hands balled into fists.
The rush of love and affection left Shiro breathless and he wished desperately that things were different so he could only concentrate on Ryou like he deserved. He had been born with wisps of dark hair that was growing to cover his entire head by now. And while both Krolia and Keith swore he looked like Shiro, Shiro thought he resembled Keith more than anything from the line of his nose to his mouth to his eyes.
Ryou’s eyes were moving and Shiro wondered what his son was dreaming about. Something pleasant he hoped. Gently, so he wouldn’t wake him, Shiro leaned over and brushed a kiss against Ryou’s forehead before settling back to watch him sleep again. He was so small and perfect; it was almost unthinkable that he was partly Shiro.
Fear suddenly clawed at his throat and sent an icy spike down his chest. What if there was something wrong, something the ultrasounds hadn’t picked up? What if his lacklustre eating or the imperfect modifications –
“Rice cooker’s on”, Keith said, interrupting the spiral of Shiro’s panicking thoughts. He knelt down in front of Shiro and laid both hands on his belly. “You’re not giving your papa any trouble, are you?”
Shiro had done the same when Keith had been pregnant and the intense look on Keith’s face amused him since he must have looked the same, talking to his unborn son as if he was expecting an answer.
In this case though, Shiro could feel his children move inside him and Keith’s face lit up when he felt one of them kick through Shiro’s skin. “Good”, he said as if that had been an answer and pressed a kiss to Shiro’s belly. Then he looked up to Shiro and smiled. “You’re okay?”
Shiro nodded. “What did the doctor say? Is Ryou alright?”
“Yup. Everything’s fine, if there was a report card for baby development, he’d be getting A’s in all categories, the doctor’s words, not mine”, Keith reported with a proud grin. He squeezed Shiro’s thigh affectionately. “Of course, your son is an overachiever.”
“I don’t think being healthy is – “Suddenly he felt a sharp pain just under his ribs, almost as if he had been kicked there.
“Shiro?” Keith’s tone changed to worried immediately and Shiro felt the urge to cry. It was so unfair. Why couldn’t they have a few moments of peace?
“I’m fine”, he replied. The pain was intense as if someone had driven a knife between his ribs. “I’ll go and lie down for a bit.”
“I’ll get you when the rice is ready”, Keith replied as he got to his feet.
Shiro tried to as well but the pain underneath his rips almost had him double over and his vision started to blur.
“Shiro!” Keith was by his side in an instant, guiding him back down to the chair. He was no stranger to pain but this felt different. Dangerous.
“Keith”, he gasped, reaching for him because he was scared and he didn’t want to be alone. Not like he had been before.
“I’m here, I’m here, Shiro”, Keith reassured him. “I’m calling an ambulance, okay? And then I’ll call mum so she can watch Ryou.”
Shiro nodded, letting go of Keith. He tried to follow him but everything was blurry and his head hurt and the pain, the pain was so bad he could hardly breathe. Clutching his belly, he prayed to the universe for mercy, to spare his children. He loved them, and he wanted them and they deserved to live.
/
The next thing, Shiro would ever remember was waking up in a hospital room. Later Keith and Krolia would fill him in on the details of what had happened in between but he’d never actually remember any of it.
The sharp smell of antiseptics as well as the unfamiliar lightness of his body were the first things he noticed. Shiro’s eyes flew open in a panic. He tried to sit up but strong hands pushed him back down and when he looked, he saw Krolia scowl down at him.
“What happened?” he asked, now noticing the IV line in his arm and the connections to a heart monitor on his chest as well as the bandages around his middle.
“Everything is fine, Shiro.” Krolia’s natural commanding tone helped to calm his nerves somewhat. “You had to go through an emergency c-section. Your children are fine, if a bit premature. Keith’s taken Ryou to meet his sisters.”
“They’re fine?” Shiro asked, trying to concentrate on the important bit.
“They are”, Krolia assured him. “You’re in worse shape than them.”
Shiro let out a sigh of relief. His children were fine, that was all that mattered. “They’re girls?”
“Yes, both of them.”
Once he had learned how the low the chance of carrying the pregnancy to term was, Shiro had tried to avoid becoming attached to his children. He hadn’t wanted to know their gender and he hadn’t –
“Keith told me, you two haven’t discussed any names for them yet.” Krolia’s tone was a little too understanding as if she had already guessed why they hadn’t decided on any names.
“Yes, well, finding a name for Ryou had been hard enough.” And it had been, with both of them suddenly remembering the names of people they hadn’t liked in nursery that they had vetoed.
There was a knock on the door and Keith entered, carrying Ryou in his arms. “You’re awake!” His face brightened and for the first time in months Shiro found himself smiling back easily.
“They’re okay?”
“They’re fine”, Keith reassured him. “The doctors are very optimistic. I told you your kids are overachievers.”
He eased Ryou into Shiro’s arms, who was awake and glancing around curiously. Shiro smiled down at him and touched the top of his nose with his finger. “You’re a big brother now.”
Ryou stared back at him as if he was waiting for some kind of explanation what that meant before a huge yawn made him close his eyes. Shiro leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll explain when you’re older.”
“I can take him home if you want”, Krolia said.
Shiro didn’t want to part from his son so quickly but a hospital wasn’t the best environment for a baby, so he helped her to get him into the carrier. As unsentimental as ever, saying goodbye didn’t take long and as soon as she and Ryou had left, Shiro found himself enveloped in Keith’s arms.
“I was so worried”, Keith murmured into neck where he had buried his face. “You just collapsed and the ambulance seemed to take forever and – “He broke off.
“I’m fine, Keith. You saved my life again.”
“Not funny”, Keith replied, but there was a pout to his tone that made Shiro think of a much younger Keith. He let go of Shiro only to grab his hand immediately again, lacing their fingers together as if he wanted to make sure Shiro was still here. “I took some pictures of the girls. Do you want to see them?”
As if that was even a question.
“They’re so small.” It pained Shiro to see them in the incubators, surrounded by machinery that was keeping them alive. It felt like one more failure as their father. Perhaps if he had been more careful, if he had gone back to bed immediately this morning then he could’ve given them one more week, one more day even.
“Hey, they’re okay, really”, Keith said and swiped to the next picture. “The nurse even let me hold them. Said skin-to-skin contact is good for them.”
“I want to see them.”
“I’ll take you there as soon as the doctors give their okay.”
“No, I want to see them now.”
“Shiro”, Keith said his name uncharacteristically coolly. “I almost lost you. You didn’t wake up for two days.”
Two days? Shiro felt as if someone had pulled the ground out from under him. “I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault”, Keith said and squeezed his hand. “But I’m not taking any chances. Besides, I have something to keep you occupied.”
Shiro recognised the notebook Keith pulled from his bag. They had used it to write down possible names for Ryou before he had been born.
“The administration nurse has been hounding me for names since they were born. Apparently we have to submit a name within 72 hours or else he will pick one.” Keith’s tone didn’t make clear if he was joking or not. Worse, since they had known Ryou’s sex, they hadn’t considered girl names before. “Lance, Hunk and Pidge have all tried to convince me that their names are unisex.”
Shiro felt a smile tug at his lips. Of course they had.