Chapter Text
locum tenens- to hold the place of, to substitute for
chapter one: the fire lord
i.
Azula’s death is where it all starts to go wrong.
She returns from the Royal Children’s Hospital to their rooms. She goes to her closet and takes off her glittering crown and fine silks changing into a simple robe. She brushes her hair and notices a strong burning scent. She runs into their bedroom to find her husband burning portraits over a container. His long black hair hides his face as he sits in his blood crimson bathrobe.
She looks and sees portraits of his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather twisting and blackening until they turn into ashes.
She asks, “Zuko, what is wrong?”
He turns to her with tears in his eyes. He is pale, paler than she has ever seen him as he says, “Azula is dead. The nurses found her this morning. Her funeral will be at dusk in two days.”
She runs to him and pulls him into her arms. He begins crying and speaks through the tears. “I-I don’t know why, I went to tell my father. I felt he deserved to know.”
A shiver runs down her spine thinking of Zuko speaking to Ozai.
He continues, “He thinks I killed her. He told me I am finally behaving like a Fire Lord. That maybe I have the blood of dragons in me after all.”
Tears begin to fall as she whispers, “No, he is wrong.”
He looks up at her, gold meeting blue.
“You do have dragon’s blood but dragons are not like he believes. They are brave, noble, and proud just like you and your uncle.”
He nods at her in acknowledgment of what she said but she can see the tension in his eyes. He lets out a breath and lays his head where her neck meets her shoulder.
He clings tighter to her as she clings tighter to him.
ii.
She kneels beside Zuko and his family as the Fire Sages go through the funeral rites.
“Princess Azula. You were daughter of Ozai and Ursa. Sister of Zuko, Kiyi, and Katara. Niece of Iroh. We honor you and lay you to rest. May your spirit rest beside Great Agni forevermore.”
She notices Zuko’s hand beginning to shake slightly as they watch Azula’s body burn. She discreetly takes his hand in hers under their flowing white robes. She squeezes it as she watches him calm.
She turns her eyes back towards the flames. She thinks of the brilliant, cruel, and broken girl. The girl who chased them across the world. The girl who smiled as she killed Aang. The girl who almost killed her own brother under a blood-red sky. The girl who she pitied in the days, months, and years that followed the battle.
The sister who would never speak, not even once, when she visited. Never sparing a single word for her mother, uncle, or Katara. The sister who saved all her taunts and tears for Zuko, only Zuko. She watches as the flames grow higher and higher and the smoke blends into the night sky.
(In the end, we are all ashes.)
iii.
Per tradition, the royal family must not be seen in public or conduct any duties of state for the week-long mourning period.
Katara and Zuko take tea in his mother’s favorite sitting room with Uncle and Kiyi. The walls are pale peach and overlook Ursa’s favorite gardens in the royal grounds.
The five of them sit in uneasy silence in their mourning robes. They drink the warm jasmine tea and eat the sesame cake but none feel real thirst or hunger.
She knows that Iroh, Ursa, and Zuko feel guilt for Azula’s life and her death. All three of them feared her, loved her, and believe they failed her.
Kiyi is different. She did not fear Azula, she loved her in the same way one loves an unknown grandparent. A love that is real but at the periphery of one’s life and not the center. Kiyi is fifteen and free, mostly unburdened by life. Her greatest worries involve homework and costumes for festivals. She firebends not because her life depends on it but because she uses it to freely express herself. Katara supposes that freedom comes from being raised away from her unbalanced sister and tyrannical father. With her brown hair and brown eyes, she looks more like Ty Lee than Zuko, Azula, or their parents. She wondered where the looks came from until Iroh mentioned that Kiyi is the spitting image of his mother, Ilah.
Kiyi speaks, breaking the silence. “I had a dream last night.”
They all look over at her. She has a soft look in her chestnut eyes as she looks out into the garden. She takes another sip of her warm tea wrapping her hands around the delicate cup.
The teenager continues, “It was of a blue dragon flying high in the sky.”
Tears and a soft smile appear on Ursa’s face as she hugs Kiyi.
Iroh sets his cup down and says in a low voice, “It is a sign from Agni. A sign that she is at peace.”
Katara turns towards Zuko at her left. She rests her hand on his knee as he continues sipping his tea.
iv.
She feels someone pushing their silk sheets down and stirring besides her. She opens her eyes and looks over in the quiet darkness of their room. She sees Zuko’s face twisting and contorting in pain.
She shakes him awake.
“Zuko! It's a dream! You are safe!”
He opens his eyes and his bright eyes meet her eyes in the darkness.
He sits up in the bed and takes a deep breath. She watches as he gets up to go to their bathroom. She hears the water running and she knows he is splashing his face and neck.
He returns to bed and pulls her body towards him. He wraps his arms around her and she presses a kiss to his neck.
“What did you dream about?”
“I saw my sister.”
“What happened?”
“I- I saw her body hanging from the rope. She was dead but she lifted her head and told me my time will come soon.”
Katara shifts her body to lay on top of his and takes his head in her hands.
Her voice is firm as she says, “It was a dream. A very terrible dream. Do you remember what I made you promise me?”
He clears his throat before he replies. “You will be 105 when you die and we will die together on Ember Island holding hands in our sleep.”
She laughs, “See, you promised and princes always keep their promises.”
He shakes his head, “I’m not a prince, Katara. I’m a lord remember.”
She rolls her eyes and says, “That should be all the more reason to keep that promise.”
He kisses her softly before they return to sleep.
v.
It is three months after Azula’s funeral when she finds out she is pregnant.
She and Zuko are having smoked sea slug for dinner, just the two of them in their dining room.
He offers her sake and she declines.
He furrows his brow but drinks his cup.
She smiles, “Aren’t you going to ask why?”
He raises his eyebrow, “There is a reason?” He takes another sip.
“Yes, Zuko. I can’t have sake tonight or any other night for a long time. It’s not safe for the baby.”
He chokes slightly as he places his cup down. His eyes go wide and Katara chuckles. He gets up from his seat and crouches next to her and takes her hand.
He smiles brightly and she sees tears forming in his eyes. “A baby?”
She nods her head and laughs as their lips meet again and again.
Questions begin to tumble out of his mouth. “Have you been ill? How far along are you?”
She smiles brightly, “I’ve been feeling nauseous occasionally and I have to use the bathroom more often than before but I am fine. I am about six weeks along now.”
She watches as Zuko furrows his brow, she knows what he wants to ask before he even opens his mouth.
She firmly says, “I know exactly what you are thinking and no. I don’t need your mother or uncle’s help with my schedule. I plan on continuing all of my duties until our baby is born. Okay?”
He takes her hand and kisses it. “Okay.”
vi.
Since Katara announced her pregnancy, Zuko has been much more open in his affection for her. Before he would leave flowers, short poems, or notes for her to see when she woke up but now he holds her hand and kisses her as they walk through the halls of the palace. He also has taken to drawing sketches of her during their morning meetings and giving them to her later on. She now has a bound leather notebook to save all these small gifts.
As her pregnancy develops, they continue on in their normal routine. They attend meetings with their Advisory Council in the mornings. They often take their lunch togethers in the garden enjoying the calm air and feeding the turtleducks. In the afternoons, Zuko and Katara usually meet with the various heads of the ministries. Twice a week, Katara goes into the city to meet with various organizations or visit the hospitals.
Today, she is meeting with the heads of the royal universities to discuss the intellectual exchange program between faculty and students in the Fire Nation with Ba Sing Se University and the newly established University of Republic City.
She walks back towards the palace flanked by her Kyoshi Warrior guards, Ling and Hua. She detests the palanquin, only riding them for the most serious cultural and state events, something that she and Zuko are in total agreement on. They both enjoy walking the city streets, getting to know and interact with the citizens.
She hears Ling and Hua giggling and she asks them what they are looking at.
Ling turns to her and says, “Oh, we are just looking at Princess Kiyi over there on a date.”
Katara’s eyes narrow as she tries to make out Kiyi among the crowd. She sees the girl sitting by the fountain sharing fire flakes with a young man. She smiles as Kiyi tosses the fire flakes into her date’s mouth.
She looks at Ling and Hua and the three of them laugh.
Hua asks, “Are you going to go ask to be introduced?”
Katara shakes her head, “No, I’ll let her have her fun.”
That afternoon, she and Zuko kneel in the temple before the Fire Sages. She and Zuko are silent as the Sages pray for Agni’s guidance and protection for the Fire Nation and the royal family. The Sages begin to read their child’s future in the flames.
“They will be a strong firebender.”
“A gracious Fire Lord.”
“Their name will be remembered for generations.”
Later, she sits in bed, her long hair loose around her as she clutches the blue blanket that Gran-Gran stitched for the baby. A week ago, her family sent a shipment of southern treats, a sling, blankets, a bone talisman, and a book of southern tales for the baby. Katara smiles thinking of her family and how they will all be traveling to the Fire Nation to help support her and welcome the baby after birth.
Zuko comes out of the bathroom and she smells the rosewater scent of his lotion and shampoo. He climbs on the bed and stops to kiss her knee.
Zuko lays on his stomach and leans on his elbow. “See, you didn’t have to worry. We already knew the baby would be a firebender. They always kick at daybreak when I rise to pray. Also you eat so many fire flakes Uncle jokes that you’ll turn into a dragon one of these days.”
She sighs, continuing to clutch the soft blanket. “I know but still, will they be accepted?”
Zuko furrows his brow thinking of what to say. He replies to her in a gentle tone of voice with strength in his eyes. “They are our child, of course they will be accepted. The people love you and have loved you for years now.” He continues, “Our baby will have the best qualities of us, they will be an amazing leader and person. They will demonstrate to the world how strong we can all be when we break down our barriers and see each other for who we truly are, humans.”
She half-smiles. “That last part sounds like something Aang would say.”
Zuko smirks, “Well, he is the Avatar, he has to be right at least some of the time.”
That night is a full moon, so Katara lays awake listening to Zuko’s soft breathing and looking at his features in the moonlight. At times like these, she can hardly believe he was ever her enemy. Those days seem almost like an entirely different life. To her, it feels like he has always been her gentle, beautiful, stubborn, noble, and sometimes frustrating husband.
Just as she leans closer to him to focus on his annoyingly long eyelashes (she is jealous, totally not jealous), he opens his eyes.
He looks over her face in the darkness and half-smiles at her. “Were you staring at me again?”
“No,” she replies quickly.
He narrows his sharp eyes at her. “If you say so.”
His eyes soften and his low voice is made raspier by sleep. “Our son’s name, it came to me in a dream.”
“Our son?” She queries, teasingly. For weeks he had been telling her the baby was a girl.
He replies, “Yes, our son. His name is Katsuo.”
Katsuo, she repeats softly and when she closes her eyes she can almost imagine him. A baby with her brown hair and Zuko’s golden eyes.
She tilts her head moving closer to Zuko’s shoulder. “What if the baby is a girl?”
Zuko pushes his long hair out of his face and looks at her with shining eyes. “Then we will name her Kya.”
Kya, she remembers her mother’s kind smile, loud laugh, and bravery. How it was through finding her mother’s killer that the wall of mistrust between her and Zuko broke down. That experience deepened the bond between them and planted the seeds of love that grew into their marriage and child. Katara touches her mother’s necklace as tears begin to fall. She whispers, “How did you know?”
Smiling as he wipes the tears from her cheeks, Zuko declares, “Some things you just know.”
She pulls him into a hug and whispers that she loves him over and over again.
vii.
Zuko has just returned from a two week trip to Republic City. He met with Aang, Sokka, and Toph to discuss the rising ethnic tensions in the city. She wished that she could have gone to help her friends but in Zuko’s absence she is acting Fire Lord. Fire Nation businesses and cultural sites in the city have been attacked by unknown perpetrators. Their advisors are unsure if the violence is due to the gang wars between rival Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom gangs or if there is a broader political motive at work.
It is around this time that Katara begins to notice that something is wrong with Zuko. Something beyond the normal stresses of ruling. He tosses and turns in the night. When he prays in the morning, it is either for hours in their private gardens or not at all. She often forces Zuko to lay down so she can give him massages with scented oil or comb his hair to calm him. More than once she has caught him staring into a mirror, covering his scar. He stays up late in his office and she often has to go there to force him to come to bed. Except one night, she goes to his office to find him and he is not there. She looks in the library and the gardens and he is not there either.
The next morning at breakfast, she asks him where he was. Zuko looks haggard with dark circles under his eyes and unshaven cheeks. Zuko mutters that he couldn’t sleep so he went flying with Druk over the Caldera to calm himself. She accepts his explanation and reminds him that he can talk to her about anything. He responds that he knows that and takes a sip of his tea. She doesn’t press him further but knows there is more to this story.
She reaches out to her guards to investigate discreetly.
Katara meets with Ling and Hua in her sitting room. She sips her warm tea and looks around the powder blue room with panda lily detailing. The new design of the room was a wedding gift from Zuko. She looks over at the two young women. They have served with her since her time as the Southern Ambassador and she counts them as two of her closest friends in the city.
She admits that she is worried about Zuko. She admits that she might be worried over nothing. She admits that her hormones might be making her paranoid. She asks them in an unsteady voice, “I just want you to follow him to see where he is going. I am worried about him and he won’t talk to me. I need to know if I am getting worked up over nothing. He just seems different now.”
The two women promise her to be discreet and return to her with their findings.
viii.
Katara is dressed in a blue robe as she brushes her hair on their bed. Her chestnut waves are glossy by the time she sets her brush down. She rubs her hand over her stomach and smiles as she feels her baby kick. She bites her lower lip thinking of what to say to Zuko. When Ling and Hua told her where he had been going she couldn’t believe it. She had to fight to keep down the bile in her throat.
The night before she had a terrible dream. She was walking through a mist and saw Zuko in the distance and no matter how fast she ran or yelled his name he kept drifting further and further away from her. She closes her eyes and wonders if the dream represented reality. If Zuko was truly drifting away from her, if he even wanted her or loved her anymore.
Zuko comes into their bedroom, taking off his crown and changing into a black robe. He kisses her forehead and places his warm hand on her stomach. She watches him as he sits in a chair to enjoy a plate of fruit.
She looks over at him, he is just sitting there like nothing is wrong. Like he hasn’t been hiding something from her. She feels her anger rising and she can’t keep it in any longer.
“Would you be happy if I left?” She asks in a strong voice.
Zuko’s eyes widen and he blinks several times, unsure if he heard her correctly. “What?”
She narrows her stormy eyes at him. “Your mother is on Ember Island with Kiyi and Uncle only travels here every couple of months. If I left then you could do whatever you wanted and no one here would stop you. Our baby is a firebender so you don’t even need me anymore.”
Zuko drops the plate and Katara hears it shatter on the floor. She looks up at him and sees him clenching his fist and jaw.
He half-shouts, “Katara, you are my best friend, my partner, and the greatest waterbender in the world!” He continues, “You are my wife and lover! Why would I ever want you to leave?”
She looks away from him, feel ashamed for even suggesting that. “I’m sorry, Zuko. I feel like I rarely see you anymore.”
She sees the continued hurt in his eyes. “I’m sorry too. Katara, I love you and I don’t deserve you. I’m always messing something up, somehow.”
“Zuko, what are you saying-“
He pulls her silk robe down and begins to kiss and bite at her shoulder.
His voice is low, “I think we both may have things to apologize for. It seems I’ve been neglecting one of my main duties as your husband.”
He undresses her completely and lays down so they are side by side facing each other. He looks her over and smiles. “I’ll never get over how each day you are more beautiful than the day before. You put the stars to shame.”
She blushes bright red as Zuko moves up her body, planting soft kisses on her neck and face.
He whispers in her ear, “I love you and need you here. Don’t leave me, please. I couldn’t bear it.”
He hooks her leg over his side and pulls her closer for an open-mouth kiss.
Later as she drifts off to sleep, sated and warm with Zuko flush against her, she realizes they never actually talked about where he has been going.
ix.
They are yelling, half-screaming at each other over breakfast. She remembers the old days when she disliked him. She wonders when disliking him and loving him started feeling the same.
“You keep secrets, Zuko! This is exactly why Mai left you, you struggle to let people in!”
He scoffs, “That’s not why Mai left me! Mai left me because I fell in love with you! Just like Aang left you for falling in love with me! We realized we were in love with each other after I took lightning for you, remember?”
They are just standing across a table from each other but she has never felt further away from him. What was once a calm and steady stream now feels like a raging ocean.
She sighs and pushes her brown hair back. She calmly states, “Zuko, I just worry about you.”
He looks at her and she can see the unshed tears in his eyes. “You have a father who loves you, who understands you. I wish I had that.”
“Zuko, you have Iroh!”
Zuko sits on their futon. He puts his head in his hands and exhales. “It’s not the same and you know it. I came from Ozai, just like our baby comes from me.”
She walks over and runs her hands over his shoulders and upper back. She doesn’t understand how a man who lives underground in a tomb can loom high over someone who lives in the sun.
“Zuko, please tell me what’s wrong.“
“I’m scared Katara. I’m scared that I’ll become like him. I have to talk to him, to understand him, to find out where it all went wrong for him. He used to love me then he stopped. What if I become like that?”
“I’ll never be afraid of you and our baby won’t either. You are nothing like him.”
“You used to be afraid of me.”
“That was then and even then I really wasn’t. I always knew I could beat your ass if you ever came after us.”
Comments like that never fail to bring a slight smirk to Zuko’s face but it doesn’t work this time.
She sits down next to him on the futon. “Zuko, I love you. I love you very much.”
“I don’t see how you can love me when I don’t even love myself.”
She is silent, rubbing his back and letting him continue.
“Katara, you were the one who told me I was the Fire Lord’s son, that I had war and hatred in my blood. Well, what if you are right? There must be something sick and broken inside of me, in my family. We are killers, even Mother and Uncle have blood on their hands. Uncle bathed the Earth Kingdom in blood for years and loved it. If my cousin had lived Ba Sing Se would have been under Fire Nation rule long before Azula killed Aang.”
She takes his head in her hands. “I was wrong, Zuko. I’m sorry that I even told you that. The people in your family made choices, some good and others bad. And just like you, your uncle made the choice to change, to work to build peace. Your mother only killed to save you, no one in this world would fault her for that.”
“Are you telling me Azula made a choice? She chose to be like that? She chose to lose her mind?”
She sees the candles in their room rising higher in time with Zuko’s harsh breathing.
“Zuko, please calm yourself. Just look at me. What happened to Azula was not your fault, it was not her fault either. She was sick and she was in pain. She was in so much pain that she wanted it to end, not thinking about how much it would hurt those who loved her.”
Zuko’s breathing calms and he pulls Katara up to cradle her in his lap. He presses his face into her soft hair. “I love you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pushing you away.”
Katara whispers, “What did you tell me when you gave me my engagement comb?”
“Oh gods, don’t make me say it again. It was so corny. Everyone teased me for months about it.”
“Say it, please.” She pleads.
“After cleansing fire, comes healing rain. That only together, we would make the Fire Nation and the world better.”
“Yes, my love. You and I were meant to be.”
“You still believe that?”
“Always. I couldn’t love you more than I do now. You are a part of me- in my blood, my dreams, and my heart.” She takes his hand and kisses it.
x.
They were doing better until they weren’t. She thinks maybe troubles are like the moon, they wax and wane, shift and change. Sometimes you might not see the moon but that doesn’t mean it disappeared.
“It’s not you and I truly mean that. You mean more to me than the sun, moon, and the stars. It's me, the problem has always been me, Katara.”
“Where are you going?”
“I can’t tell you that. I wish I could. All I can tell you is that I’ll be gone for two weeks but I won’t be leaving the Fire Nation. When I come back you will see and understand.”
“Why are you doing this to me? To us?”
“Katara, I have to do this. I have to so I can live with myself.”
“You are a bastard, Zuko! I can’t believe this. You are leaving me when you know I can’t chase after you.”
“I’m so sorry, Katara. I’ll make this up to you. When I come back we’ll go to Ember Island. Take a break from our duties and enjoy the last two months of your pregnancy. Our baby will be born there. I’ll do anything to earn your forgiveness.”
Katara doesn’t reply so Zuko continues rambling. “I'll apologize with every part of me- my body, my heart, and my mind. I'll make you feel good like I used to. I'll spend hours touching and tasting you. We can spend all day in our bed or on the beach. We’ll be completely alone until it’s time for the baby to be born. Then our family can join us, how does that sound?”
“Gods, Zuko! You said you were leaving so leave.”
“Katara, don’t let us part this way. At least hug me goodbye.”
“Zuko, I’m so angry with you. I-- I don’t want to talk to you or touch you. Leave, please just leave me alone.”
He is silent and she quietly says, “I can’t miss you if you don’t go.”
“I’m so sorry. I love you and goodbye, beloved.”
She didn't say anything because she felt he didn't deserve to hear anything from her and maybe that was true. But in the weeks and months ahead she'll think back to this moment and wonder if a few words could have changed everything.
xi.
The first week passes quickly. She heads the council meetings and meets with all the ministers. Zuko’s absence is not noted by many, he is known to take trips through the countryside. He is much more engaged with the local people than his father and grandfather ever were and they love him for it.
Kiyi and Ursa have returned from Ember Island and Katara is often with them. The three of them spend hours in the garden smiling, laughing, and discussing their favorite stories.
They help her decorate the baby’s nursery in shades of red and gold. She rolls her eyes, not surprised at all. They also help her decorate the baby’s pale blue playroom with water tribe items and touches.
She worries about Zuko but only in the soft darkness of their room, when she leans over to feel his warmth and finds nothing. She loves her husband, deeply. She knows that he is in deep pain but maybe it is like he said, it is something he must solve on his own. He knows she loves him just as she knows he loves her. Their love for each other is as assured as the sparkling sun and the glowing moon. As she drifts off to sleep she reminds herself of a truth she has come to hold deep in her heart.
Zuko always comes back.
Zuko always comes back.
Zuko always comes back.
Zuko always comes back.
xii.
Katara is enjoying a small lunch with her secretary Aiya when Kiyi runs through the door. The teenager’s topknot is askew with hairs out of place but her brown eyes are sparkling. Kiyi tells her that Druk has been spotted. Katara quickly apologizes to Aiya and leaves with Kiyi. She can’t keep the smile off her face as they walk towards stables. Katara is still angry with Zuko, very angry, but she is happy he returned home to her. Whatever problems they have, they will solve together.
She stands with Kiyi under the clear sunlight and watches as Druk comes closer and closer. Druk lands and she tilts her head because Zuko would have jumped down by now but he hasn’t. She walks briskly towards the dragon and sees that there is no one on him. Druk came alone.
What happens after Katara does not remember.
She doesn’t remember falling to the grass and crying.
She doesn’t remember being carried to her room.
She doesn’t remember who brought Iroh or who brought her friends and family.
xiii.
There is a small outer island in the Fire Nation. It is quiet, empty, and beautiful. It has a vast forest and high cliffs that overlook the open sea. This island has nothing of note to speak of. No legends or tales, no battles or wars.
But for Katara, this island becomes one of the most important places in the world. It is the place where the royal guards found Zuko’s charred travel clothes and gleaming crown.
She used to wonder if there was a limit to how much pain a person could experience in their life. If the spirits at one point said stop, that person has gone through enough, let them know peace, let them live their dreams. She finds that there is no limit to pain. Pain can be endless, it runs as deep and wide as the ocean.
She doesn’t wonder about pain anymore, she just feels it.