We Keep Living Anyway (We Rise and We Fall and We Break)

Sokka, Suki and Zuko have a story full of devastation and pain as equally as it is filled with love and hope. They pushed through, believing that someday, they -- or someone else -- would be able to tell their story. But it wasn’t always easy to stay brave. Sometimes, they couldn’t find it within themselves to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to know that a better future was ahead. And because of the distance between them, letters were often the only way to express their pain and frustration to each other.
Or, three letters of pain and sorrow and anger, and one of love and joy and hope for the future.

Notes:

i don't want to live love this way (i don't want to hide us away) was supposed to be a standalone. but this story meant so much to me and everyone seemed to love it so much so i wrote a sequel. this isn't it, if u were wondering. this is more of a filler, a little something to tide u all over while i work on the sequel, which remains without a title.
the sequel will follow what happened after izumi shared the letters with the world, with different POVs and a few flashbacks.
this was written in a few hours, while listening to wait for it from the hamilton soundtrack on repeat. wait for it is also where the title comes from. i suggest listening to wait for it while reading this, it really sets the tone.
i'm ngl, this story hurts. my beta read this and was like w h y. the answer is pretty simple: i wanted to show that it's ok not to be ok. that it's alright to have days when it feels like it's not worth it, to feel like just giving up. it's also a reminder that things will get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. even if it doesn't always feel like it.
tw for homophobia, which is really a big topic of this story, so pls, don't read this if ur triggered. also, this story is very heavy. so if ur not feeling good, don't read it.
enjoy :)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Hello.

I hope you’re both doing okay, given the recent news about the same-sex couple who were found on the outskirts of Republic City. When I heard, all I could think about was how that could’ve been us. Someone could’ve seen us together and just… decided to end us because we didn’t love the way they thought we should. It’s strange. There are a lot of people in the Fire Nation who hate me because I’m not Fire Nation enough. There are a lot of people outside the Fire Nation who hate me because I’m too Fire Nation. But the people who terrify me the most are the people who hate me because I love a little differently than they do.

That’s all they know about me. They don’t care what I’ve done with my life, they don’t care what I’m going to do, all they care about is that I love men and women, at the same time. They don’t care that I helped stop my father and sister. That’s what terrifies me most. It also makes me so angry. They know nothing about me. What right do they have to lecture me about who I want to hold close? What impact does it have on their lives, who I choose to love? I have given up so much for these people, to do what is right for them. And they’re going to hate me for who I love? It’s so unfair. I just want to help, to leave the world a better place than I’ve found it. But… they don’t care.

I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I’ve kept myself hidden. I married one woman, I have a child with her. I fell in love and ignored it for years because I believed that they’d laugh in my face and mock me for falling for both of them at the same time. I confessed and kept my relationship a secret to appease the public. I have done everything that they want me to. And they still hate me.

Sometimes I wonder if this is worth it. The secrecy, the lies, the hiding. Today has been bad. I’ve tried rereading the letters you’ve both sent me to try and make myself feel better, but instead I just feel bitter that I can’t hold you close, that I can’t do what I want in public.

I want to be with you both. I do. I really, really do. I just wish it could be on our terms, and not the world’s.

Yours in secret,

Zuko

Darling,

It’s all going wrong. Nothing’s going right. I can’t stay focused, I keep zoning out in important meetings. I find myself trembling whenever someone brings up your name, find myself waking from dreams where you’re finally close and feeling devastation that early in the morning is crushing. If I say this to Suki, she’ll finally crumble. I’ve noticed the way she traces the portrait of you, the way she stares longingly at any couple in the street, the way she cradles my hand close whenever she gets the chance.

I want you here, even though I know that you’re needed in the Fire Nation. I want to be with you, even though I’m needed here. I don’t want to be so far away all the time. I want to share a house and a bed and a table and… I want to share a Nation, at the very least. But we can’t. And we likely never will, because we’re from different Nations to begin with.

I’m sorry I dragged you into this. I made the first move. I brought Suki into the group. I forced us to hide from the world, to shelter this part of ourselves. Sometimes, I wish we’d never gone to the Boiling Rock, even if it means I never would’ve saved my father. I made us all suffer so much, and there’s nothing I can do to undo it. I’m sorry.

Yours in hiding,

Sokka

Zuko.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Sneaking around, lying, trying to be normal. Sokka’s trying to be positive, and sometimes it works, but other times, all I want to do is scream and hide. There are times when I just want to yell that it isn’t all going to be okay, because if people ever were to find out, everything would fall apart. Sokka would be thrown off of the council that he built from the ground up, I’d be fired from the force, and you… I don’t even want to think about what would happen to you. But Sokka’s look of devastation is so crushing, I can’t bear to see it. I’ve seen it before, on days when his leg is bothering him or he’s remembering all that happened in the war, and I just…

It’s so unfair. Why is wanting to kiss the person I love such a crime? Why can’t I hold you, like Aang and Katara can? I can hold Sokka, and he can hold me, but if we try to add you to that… we’re not asking too much, are we? It isn’t a lot to want to kiss and hug in public, to be lovers in front of the world? Sometimes, it feels like it is. I don’t understand how we can keep doing this. The energy it takes to remain on task, to remember that it isn’t about the world…

I just want to kiss you in front of everyone. I want to spin you around when you do something incredible. I want to be the one to hold your hand when things go wrong. But instead, I have to stand by and allow your wife to do it. It isn’t fair.

Yours in private,

Suki

My dearest Zuko,

I’ve missed you so desperately these past few months. Suki has too. I think the other councillors have begun noticing, because they keep asking me if I’m alright and if things are going well with Suki, who’s getting similar questions from her fellow officers. But I know that we’re lucky, because we have each other, and you don’t. It breaks my heart that I can’t hold you every night or listen to you tell us about all the incredible things you’ve managed to achieve.

But, it’s alright. Because I know that someday, we won’t need to hide. We’ll be able to hold hands and kiss in front of the world, and it won’t matter that there are three of us, or that we aren’t from the same Nation. All that will matter is that we love each other, and we want to be together. One day, you’ll see. The work you’re doing in the Fire Nation is proof of that, darling. Someday, someone will say that the reason they could love freely was because of Fire Lord Zuko, who changed the world for the better in so many different ways.

And darling, they already do.

But even if we personally never get to share our story, someday it will be told. Someone will be interested in us because of how we stopped the Fire Nation, and they’ll find our most treasured possessions, which will include the letters, and they’ll put the pieces together, and they’ll cry out to the rest of the world, and they’ll know. They’ll look back and think, ‘how did no one notice?’ and young people will hear and think, ‘I’m not alone, this is normal, I’m allowed to love differently’ and it’ll all be because of how we were brave enough to do what we wanted.

It will all be worth it, darling. Because you are worth it, and Suki is worth it, and I am worth it. Even if it doesn’t always seem like it. Just remember, Zuko: we know. Those who matter most know. Everyone who knows and whose opinion we care for approves. But the most important thing is that we approve, and really, that’s all that matters.

I love you, Zuko. Desperately and without regret. That will never change, I promise you that.

Yours forever,

Sokka

I'm willing to wait for it...

Notes:

these were incredibly hard to write, and incredibly hard to read. but just because the three had found love doesn't mean it always easy. they suffered, and it won't stop just because they have each other. it's not an easy road, but they'll make it, together.
it's ok to not be ok. it's ok to have days where u stay in bed all day, to break down and cry. it's ok to take a break, to regroup. just know that it will be ok. and if u ever need someone to talk to, i'm always here. u can find me here, or on tumblr at love-loulou.
i have faith in u and whatever it is ur trying to do. i know that u can do it, that u can push through whatever is being thrown at u. and someday, when you've achieved everything you've dreamed, it will all be worth it. because YOU are worth it.
also, i want to say thank u for nearly a hundred kudos on the previous setting, and for nearly a thousand hits. each and every one of u mean the world to me.
thx for reading :)
xoxo,
loulou

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