Chapter Text
Prologue
Ben had never been popular in high school. He wasn’t invited to the Saturday night parties. His table at lunch mostly had empty seats. And, surely, he wasn’t dating Charlene Thomas.
Ben had met Charlene Thomas many years before high school when her mother was a housekeeper at Ben’s house. He had first met her brother, Dylan, an afternoon when his mother had brought him to Ben’s house during her working hours. Dylan was the same age as Ben, 7 years old, and Ben had immediately thought he was an alright kid, unlike the spoiled brats that would torment him at the private primary school he attended. From that afternoon on, Dylan would come to play with Ben every day. Soon enough, they became inseparable.
Only around a year later, he met Charlene. During one of their playground meetings, when Dylan brought his younger sister with him. A whiny brat, as Dylan had described her, that was way too young to play with them. That afternoon, Charlene had sat down and had stared at them in silence, while they were playing.
Charlene was 3 years younger than Ben and Dylan and, after that afternoon at the park, she would often show up at Ben’s house with her mother and brother. The first times she would remain on the sidelines, just like at the park, and she would let the two boys play on their own. She always had with her a shabby plush cat doll and Ben couldn’t understand why she loved that old toy so much. When Charlene finally beat her shyness, she started insisting on playing with Ben and Dylan.
Clearly, Dylan didn’t love having his younger sister around because that meant competing for Ben’s attention, precisely because Ben adored Charlene’s company. He loved having her around, with her wide-eyed curiosity, her persistent smile and her innate sweetness.
By the time Ben turned 11, Ben and Charlene were as inseparable as he and Dylan. The three of them would spend all of their free time together. Ben would help Charlene and Dylan with their homework, since he was a particularly bright child, and, in exchange, Ben was never alone. He was so happy that he didn’t care anymore about the bullies at school, that would pick up at him for being too smart or not good enough at sports.
With the years passing, Ben had learned to differentiate his relationship with Dylan from the one with Charlene. Not that he loved any of the two any less, but what he felt toward Charlene was different. Growing up, Charlene had blossomed into a breathtakingly beautiful creature and Ben would often find himself thinking about her differently. And it wasn’t just about her look… in the whole world, there wasn’t a female that Ben liked to hang out with more than her. If only he could find the courage to tell her that.
When the high school years arrived, Ben felt hopeful. Hopeful that things could finally change at school. Dylan’s and Charlene’s mother had remarried. Their stepfather was a middle-income university professor that lived in the same neighbourhood as the Solo’s, which meant that Dylan could finally attend the same school as Ben. Finally, he wasn’t alone anymore.
Neither Ben nor Dylan were popular in high school. They weren’t good at sports, they weren’t particularly sociable and Dylan was there on a scholarship. They only had themselves – and Charlene, outside of the high school walls, and they were perfectly content with their special relationship.
Everything changed when Charlene started high school. Unlike Ben and Dylan, who attended classes together, she had no one at first. She didn’t have to worry about her loneliness for a long time though, because she was sociable and very easily liked. Soon enough, everyone wanted to be friends with her. The fellow students knew that, just like Dylan, she was there on a scholarship, but they didn’t seem to care. Everyone was kind to Charlene and Charlene was kind to everyone. Nobody could resist her bubbly and sweet personality and the special thing about her was that she didn’t even try. It just came so easy for her. And, other than that, she had only gotten more beautiful with time. A face to match perfectly the personality.
By the half of Charlene’s freshman year, she started spending less and less time with Ben and his brother. She had been accepted in the cheerleading team and, for the first time in her life, she had found herself a group of female friends. Ben couldn’t even be mad at her, because, unlike the others, Charlene was as kind as always to him. But he missed her, and he just felt helpless as he watched her slipping far and farther away from him.
Ben’s senior year had been the worst year of his life, he could swear by it. Charlene had started dating Jason Keithson, the quarterback of the football team and the asshole that had made Ben’s and Dylan’s high school life a living hell since day one. It was the year he had accepted that he was never going to kiss Charlene Thomas or hold her hand in public. It wasn’t fair, he thought… he had known and loved Charlene before anyone else had. He had never cared that she used to live in a run-down shoebox-sized apartment in the suburbs of Newark, or that learning had been particularly slower for her at primary school. He had loved her despite everything. Because of everything.
As Ben and Charlene grew apart, he had decided to focus exclusively on his future. With his GPA, he knew he could go to any university in the United States. Harvard, Yale, Princeton… he just had to choose. He dreamed of a new life, where no one would make fun of him, and people that had in his past would end up regretting it. He wanted to be envied, just like he had spent his teenage years envying all of them for their stupid parties, their stupid group of friends, their stupid girlfriends. That’s what he wanted more than anything. He couldn’t wait to get to the part of his life where high school didn’t matter anymore. Where any of these assholes mattered anymore. Maybe, where even Charlene didn’t matter anymore.
Not surprisingly, Ben had been admitted to every ivy league university he had applied to. Ultimately, he had ended up choosing computer science at Harvard. He was finally leaving Newark behind. And with that, Dylan and Charlene too. Dylan had decided to stay… after all, he couldn’t afford differently. For Ben it had been easier… his family was richer than the Newark average, he didn’t need to work a day of his life to pay for his education. Dylan, on the other hand, was going to attend the Rutgers Business School, where his stepfather taught. During senior year, Ben had slowly grown apart from Dylan too. They had started seeing each other less because they both knew it was going to be easier to say goodbye this way. And because seeing Dylan outside of school, meant seeing Charlene too.
Ben and Dylan had met the night of their last senior year, to celebrate together the end of high school. Ben had met Dylan at his house and he had seen Charlene getting ready for the party she had been invited to. She was beautiful, Ben thought. Her hair was long and wavy and she had put on a little more makeup than usual, which wasn’t much. She was wearing a short, sequin dress, paired with a pair of converse. When she had seen Ben, she had smiled at him.
“Are you excited? About Harvard, I mean” she had told him, leaning against the jamb of the bathroom door, once she had finished getting ready. “Dylan told me”, she quickly added, when she noticed how taken aback Ben looked.
“Yeah, for sure!” Ben had nodded. Charlene’s smile had grown. For a second, Ben found himself wondering if she was going to miss him. He had quickly scolded himself, internally. She hadn’t missed him in the last two years, she wouldn’t miss him now.
“I’m so happy for you!” she cheerfully said, bringing her hands to her chest. “You’re gonna do great things, Ben Solo!” she had proudly whispered, getting nearer to him, so much that he could smell her. She smelled like candy, or maybe bubblegum. And coconut. That was her shampoo, she still used the same one.
Ben had to hold himself back from getting infected by her enthusiasm. He knew he couldn’t fall again in the lethal trap that was Charlene. He knew she meant no harm, other than sharing her genuine happiness for him, but he didn’t trust himself near her. So he didn’t answer, he smiled at her weakly and started walking away.
“Are you gonna spend your last senior night playing videogames with Dylan?” she had asked him. Ben had stopped on his tracks again and turned toward her.
“We also ordered pizza, actually.” He had said, scratching the back of his head nervously. Charlene had sighed and rolled her eyes amused.
“You should both come to the party!” She had said. The first time in five years anyone had invited them to a party. It’s too late now, Ben wanted to answer.
“You know it’s not really our thing…” he had shrugged. Charlene had cut the distance between them again and she had taken his hands in hers. Her skin was as soft as he remembered. Ben’s heart skipped a beat.
“It’s the last night! You’re probably never going to see any of them again.” She had spoken softly, while her thumb was caressing the back of his hand. Ben felt his cheeks on fire because of the way she was looking at him.
“M-maybe we’ll come… I’ll talk to Dylan.” He had told her. Charlene had smiled at him, the sparkle in her eyes revealing the genuine joy at his answer.
“Great! Then I’ll see you there!” And just as quickly, Charlene had disappeared again.
When Ben had told Dylan about the party, his friend had categorically declined the invitation. He had accused Ben of being an idiot for even considering going and yet he just couldn’t stop thinking about it. The way Charlene had held his hands, the way she had genuinely wanted him there… Ben just couldn’t stop thinking about it. He knew she was with Jason, but he kept thinking about the possibility of telling her how he truly felt. He wondered if it would’ve changed anything a lot. If Charlene wanted him as much as he wanted her, he knew he would’ve changed all of his plans for her. He would’ve said goodbye to Harvard and would’ve enrolled somewhere near to be with her. Ben would’ve done all that for Charlene. And maybe, that was his last chance to tell her how he felt. That’s why he had to go to that party.
The music was loud and Jason’s house was crowded. He lived in a nice house not far from Ben’s… not as nice as his, but still big enough to host a party this big. Ben was feeling out of his element, surrounded by so many people. He had quickly regretted coming when he couldn’t find Charlene anywhere. At least until she appeared behind him. “You’re here!”, she had screamed excitedly in his ear.
Ben had quickly turned, finding Charlene behind him with that same big smile on her face. “How did you find me so easily?” He had asked amused.
“You stand out in the crowd…” she had giggled, clearly referring to Ben’s imposing height.
“Can I speak to you for one second?” He had whispered at her ear, having found the courage he had been missing for a long time. However, his legs were trembling terribly. “Alone?” He had quickly added.
Charlene had nodded her head. She had grabbed his hand and had guided him through the crowd to the back of the house. Ben was feeling ecstatic about touching – any – part of her body again. They had exited the house together, stopping once they had reached the garden on the back and the music had significantly toned down.
“What did you want to talk me about?” She had softly chanted once they were alone. Suddenly, Ben didn’t feel so brave anymore. His mouth was dry and he couldn’t think of any words. Charlene was looking at him with the wide-eyed curiosity he so well knew, just like when she was a child.
“I…” he had started and quickly found himself speechless. “Actually, I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time. So long that it kinda feels pointless now.” Ben had kept his gaze down on the green grass. Charlene had furrowed her eyebrows and had looked at him, trying to decipher whatever he was trying to tell her.
“Try me!” She had urged him. “Nothing is ever too late or pointless.” The smile on her face had made him confident again. He had taken a deep breath and he had gotten ready to speak his heart out. As Charlene had said, he was never going to see any of these people again. And maybe, not even her. He felt ready to risk it all, at this point. He had nothing to lose.
“Well, the truth is that I’ve been in l—“ before he could finish his sentence, a loud voice interrupted him.
“Who invited you, big ears?!” Jason had shouted, looking at them from the threshold of the door. With a beer in his hand, he was looking at Ben with a gaze without the usual amusement but replaced by a fit of slight jealousy.
“I did!” Charlene had quickly said, rolling her eyes in annoyance. Jason had been taken by surprise by his girlfriend’s words. “He’s my friend.” She had added. Friend.
“Well, why the fuck were you two alone here?” Jason had asked, not trying to hide his hostility toward Ben.
“We were just talking!” Charlene had shrugged her shoulders. At her answer, Jason had taken a deep breath, trying to relax for his girlfriend’s sake. He had slowly walked to Charlene’s side and he had wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
“Well, your friends are my friends.” He had said, faking a very tight smile.
Jason had invited Ben to join their usual group of friends. He had even defended him by the usual insults his friends had thrown at him, making fun of his look or his social awkwardness. Ben was still on the defensive… he didn’t trust him and, more importantly, he didn’t like him. However, he had sipped on a beer and had visibly relaxed. Even if just for a moment, it was nice feeling part of something. Maybe that’s why he didn’t fight Monica too much when she put her hand on his thigh and rested her chin on his shoulder. She was a redhead girl, with a voluptuous body that she was rubbing on Ben’s now. She was the complete opposite of Charlene, Ben thought.
“Are you feeling alright?” Charlene had asked him when she had grabbed his hand again and had dragged him to a quieter corner of the house.
“Yeah, I’m fine…” he had nodded. The beer still in his hand, he was feeling hot and he wasn’t sure if it was for the alcohol or because of Monica’s touching. Ben had kept thinking about Charlene, even at that moment. However, he had wondered if she had interrupted them because of jealousy, or if she had just perceived Ben’s discomfort. “I’m having fun!” He had said, wanting to test her. For just a second, Ben thought he had seen a sparkle of hurt in Charlene’s eyes.
“What did you want to tell me?” She had asked him out of the blue. “Before Jason interrupted us, I mean.” She quickly added. Before he could even try to answer, this time, Jason found his way to them again, accompanied by Monica.
“Oh, there you are!” Jason cheerfully said at Ben, wrapping his arm around his shoulder. “Monica was looking for you.” He said amused, while Monica quickly tied her arms around Ben’s torso again. “She chose you for 7 minutes in heaven, Benny Boy!” He had maliciously grinned. Suddenly, Ben was feeling uncomfortable again. He just wanted to talk to Charlene, tell her how he really felt.
“I-I’m not really in the mood, actually…” Ben had said, trying to push both Monica and Jason off of him.
“Why? Oh, wait… so you really like guys as we thought?!” Jason snickered, while Ben’s cheeks quickly turned red. He had quickly shaken his head, not fighting Monica’s touching anymore. “Or you just can’t get it up?” Monica had snickered too.
Ben had quickly given up, letting Monica lead him in Jason’s bedroom. She had given him his first kiss and she had undressed him as no other woman had before. Well, apart from his mother when he was only a child. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it. He knew he was blowing up his last chance with Charlene but he was too much of a coward to make things go differently because, after all, he still cared about the opinions of the people in this house. No matter how lowly they all already thought of him.
“Let’s make this spicier…” Monica had whispered in his ear. She had brought her headband on Ben’s eyes and she had started kissing his neck. “Come find me, Ben…” she had then told him, getting quickly away from him.
Ben had sighed, not wanting anything less at the moment. He didn’t want her, and Jason was right; he couldn’t even get it up. He started imagining how things would’ve been different if it was Charlene, instead of Monica, kissing his neck and challenging him in finding her.
Despite his non-existent desire for Monica, Ben had blindly walked around, still wrapped up in his thoughts about Charlene. At least until he was brought back to reality when loud laughs erupted around him. He didn’t even have the time to take the headband off his eyes before he was grabbed by the shoulders by different hands. When he had taken off the headband, he was back in Jason’s living room, with everyone laughing at him. He was naked, only in his boxers, and Jason and his friends kept him trapped there, not letting him escape.
“I’m sorry big ears… you really thought you were finally going to get laid?!” Jason had screamed, provoking more loud laughs. He had been so stupid. He really thought a girl like Monica could be genuinely interested in a loser like him. He felt his eyes burning, tears menacing to come out while he kept trying to break free from their holds. He just wanted to run away and leave every single one of them behind. He hated them all.
In a matter of seconds, someone had passed Jason a pitcher of icy water and he had quickly poured it down Ben’s boxers, while laughs kept hoarding around him. “It’s not like he could get it up anyway!” Jason had laughed, while everyone had started emptying their drinks at Ben. Finally, they had let him go and Ben had pushed himself through the crowd, not even worrying about finding his clothes before leaving the house. He just wanted to get the hell out of there, as tears streamed down his face.
When he was close enough to the door, Charlene had grabbed his wrist and had stopped him from bursting out of the door. “Ben!” She had screamed, seeming shocked and utterly sorry. “I had no idea, I swear! He’s so orrib—“ she had tried to say, but Ben had quickly freed his wrist from her hold and had pushed her away.
“Fuck you!” He had screamed at her. “I don’t want to see you ever again.” He had roared, this time, meaning it. Charlene hadn’t tried to reach for him again. She had let him walk away.
While Ben walked naked and soaked down the street to his house, he only felt his hatred growing stronger and stronger. He knew he was going to make them all regret it. He was going to make them all pay. That night, he swore that Charlene Thomas was going to pay for it.