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He hadn't really expected the court to be the same. It's foolish, really. Three years is nothing. While it felt like a lifetime to him, the amount of time between his banishment and his ascension to the throne is relatively inconsequential. Especially within the world of politics.
Zuko knows that, logically. But it is still shocking when he rounds a corner in his palace, or takes a meeting, and comes face to face with a member of his father's court. Probably, also, a person who has been a part of the court since even his grandfather was in power.
These are people who surrounded him every day as a child. Men and women who would leisurely stroll through the grounds, discussing the war. Men and women who would march hastily from one room to another, looking stern and concerned. Men and women who lived and breathed right next to him, and his sister, and his mother, and his father.
Men and women who had been there on the day of his banishment.
They're not inherently bad people. Some even have useful experience that he himself lacks after years of being at sea - away from the concerns of running a nation.
Of course, he immediately dismissed most of the generals and war ministers who served under his father. But others needed to stay. People who had experience with education and infrastructure and healthcare. People whose advice he desperately needed to repair a country that - while not war-torn, was certainly suffering its effects all the same.
So he shouldn't be nervous or shocked when he sees these people. But he is. Every time. Their faces are just familiar enough to make him flinch. Not out of fear of them, exactly, but out of a remembered nervousness when dealing with anyone who had his father's ear.
The irony is that they are more afraid of him than he is of them. They remember Ozai's wrath and work hard to ingratiate themselves to the new Fire Lord.
It must be exhausting. For most of these people, he was the black sheep they weren't supposed to care about. Most of them watched in stony silence as Ozai showed the world exactly what he thought Zuko was worth. Now, Zuko is their boss. More than that, he could (if he wanted, but he'll never want to) hold their lives in his hands. And now they have to act like they ever cared about him in the first place.
When the others see these acts, they always make fun of the courtiers with all the ruthlessness that only teenagers can manage. Toph is always the best of the bunch. She has just enough experience in high-brow society to perfect the hunched-shoulder, demure, open-palmed gestures the courtiers try to enact around him. It's like she transforms into an entirely different person. Zuko loves it.
Sokka, of course, follows suit. He is always over-the-top, but somehow he has perfected the upper-class accent of Caldera.
Zuko has gotten so used to this, that he almost forgot there were courtiers he actually liked before he was banished.
Yain is one of those people.
He hadn't seen her when he first returned, and it takes him another three weeks after his coronation to catch sight of her. He's walking with his friends when it happens. She's standing at the pond he used to frequent with his mother, simply staring at the water. She's old now, even older than she was when he was a child. But, she looks content.
She was always resilient; she was one of the few that didn't lose their backbone while working in the palace. Zuko never realized just how tense that made her. Now, she looks peaceful. Her shoulders are relaxed, and her lips are drawn up in a light smile. It's enough to make him smile in turn.
Unsurprisingly, this draws a gasp from Sokka. "Why - is that a smile on the Fire Lord's face? Katara, quickly, look!"
Katara breaks away from her conversation (quarrel) with Toph to jump around Zuko, stopping him in his tracks.
She gasps dramatically as well, bringing a hand to his forehead. "Sokka I can't believe it! Zuko? Are you sick?"
He swats her hand, his smile giving way to an eye roll. "Don't act so surprised. I smile."
"Sure," Toph says, "just before telling a bad joke."
"Does a smirk count as a smile?" Aang pipes in, poking his head over Zuko's shoulder. "Because you do that all the time when you're sparring. At least, when you're winning."
"What about an awkward half-smile?" Sokka says, poking Zuko in the cheek. "Zuko is the king of those. Or should I say lord?"
Zuko is interrupted from responding by Yain, who has since made her way to the loud group. She doesn't bother with pleasantries (she never did with him), simply saying, "Zuko."
Katara quickly steps out of the way, allowing Yain to reach forward and grab his hand.
Normally, Zuko isn't a huge fan of physical contact. His friends know this. It's why Sokka inches closer. It's why Aang and Katara both step into his line of view, watching him closely. It's also why Toph steps forward, ready to smack the old woman out of the way.
But Zuko raises his arm, holding her off. Then, he places his free hand on top of Yain's. "Yain," he responds, "I'm glad to see you're still here in Caldera."
Zuko immediately senses his friends relax. He's a terrible liar, so they know he's speaking the truth when he says this to her. And it is the truth. Yain was one of the few courtiers who interacted with Zuko as a child. She would tell him a joke, or sneak him a piece of candy. She also got along well with his mother which, in Zuko's book, means she's one of the Good Ones.
"I thought I might find you around here if I waited long enough," she says, gesturing to the fountain. "I just had to see you for myself. I almost can't believe it."
Zuko uses his free hand to rub at his neck nervously. "Heh, ya. Here I am. Probably a little taller than you remember."
"Yes, much taller.” She smiles, releasing her hold but remaining in place directly in front of him. “I'm just happy to see you're actually alive," she says. "I had heard you were back a few months before the comet, when you returned with your sister. But I never saw you. I wasn't sure..."
Yain looks a little distressed. Zuko frowns, confused. "You weren't sure I was back?"
Her eyes search his face. "Many of us in the court were not sure whether you were truly alive. Or if your father spread the rumor to save face."
"What?" Aang exclaims. "Why would he do that?"
Katara nods her head. "I don't understand - you thought he was dead?"
Yain glances at them but her eyes find their way back to Zuko. More accurately, to his scar.
Oh.
She reaches up, her fingers tracing his cheek just below the burn. He flinches slightly, and she drops her hand.
"You have to understand," she says, voice wavering. She’s answering their questions, but talking only to him. "No one saw you after the Agni Kai."
"Ah. Well, I-," Zuko tries to interrupt, because he can see where this is going. It's not exactly his favorite topic, but she plows on.
"That day, Zuko. We had to sit there and watch. Every member of the court was expected to attend. And your father-," she shakes her head. "He was relentless. Cruel. Even after your screams stopped, he kept...burning. Seeing you lying there at his feet. I-," Her voice cracks, and a few tears escape.
Zuko's chest feels tight seeing her like this and hearing about that day. He's never heard about it except from his uncle, and that was only recently. He couldn't stomach it before - can barely stomach it now.
And honestly, he hadn’t known she was there. He had thought only the courtiers who wanted to see the fight attended. But she wouldn't have wanted to watch that. That much he knows. When she says she was expected to attend, he knows what that means: Ozai demanded it. Contradicting a demand from his father...well...Zuko knew enough about the punishments that behavior brings to know the courtiers had no real choice.
"You were placed on that ship within the week. No one saw you except the healers, and their prognosis was grim. There was no expectation you would survive.” She shakes her head, wiping her tears.
“The crown, no matter how powerful, can't get away unscathed with outright killing its own heir. He would lose the faith of too many people should that happen. We thought - I thought - that you didn't make it, but they pretended you did.” Her chin wobbles, threatening more tears, but she continues.
“So many of us, well, we thought the banishment was secretly Iroh's. What better way to banish your father’s biggest competitor than to say he was attending to you? It seemed like the perfect cover story. The prince is alive, and the rightful heir to the throne is with him."
She reaches forward and grips his hand again. "Seeing you at the coronation and now, why..." she smiles through her tears. "I'm just so happy. Life has not been kind to you, Zuko, but I'm glad the boy I watched grow up in this palace survived. Someone deserved to."
Zuko places his hand on hers again, ignoring the shaking. He can't tell if its hers or his.
He doesn't know if what she's saying is accurate. Zuko was supposed to die by his grandfather's proclamation before his mother went missing. How would his death in an Agni Kai be different from that? Was it because he was the heir apparent at that time?
Would citizens of the nation really have much to say if he had died then? Yain seems to think so. And she's nothing if not experienced in handling citizen affairs. It's hard to believe. Almost impossible. Zuko was so sure that the citizens saw the Agni Kai exactly how he did: a punishment for a wrongdoing; justified.
He nods at her reassuringly. "I'm alright Yain." He takes a breath. "Thank you for worrying about me." He didn't think anyone had. But now, he realizes that there must have been some. His old tutors, maybe, or caretakers, or even some of his friends, few as there were.
She takes her hands back and pats his shoulders. "Of course I worried about you, you silly boy." She grins, looking him over. "Maybe not a boy, anymore. Ah, what a good young man you've become. Iroh did well." She makes to reach for his cheek again, but pulls her hand back before she reaches him. "We must talk more. But you've allowed this old woman to ramble on for too long. I apologize for interrupting your-," she pauses, then winks at him, " meeting with the Avatar."
She steps back and bows at Zuko. Then, without really taking her eyes off the Fire Lord, bows at Aang. "My apologies. I should return to my duties."
Zuko exhales shakily, watching her go. His chest hurts and his heart is beating a lot faster than normal. But...he’s not panicking. Talking about that day is much easier now than before. While he feels shaky and drained even after such a short conversation, he doesn’t feel angry. He’s handling this well, Uncle would be proud.
He glances over at Aang. He knows the boy still doesn’t like being bowed to. But whatever joke he was about to say dies in his throat when he meets Aang’s tear-filled eyes.
His own eye widens in shock. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you alright?” Zuko glances around, wondering if he should call a guard. Did Yain do something?
His eyes catch on Katara who has both hands placed firmly over her mouth. Her shoulders are shaking in silent sobs and he can hear Sokka hiccup behind him. Zuko realizes his mistake immediately.
His friends are so empathetic. It must have hurt them to see Yain so upset. Especially after they saw how well Zuko got along with her.
Zuko raises a hand, about to...he’s not sure. Pat Aang on the head? He drops his hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know she’d talk about that.”
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Toph snaps. She sniffs, and Zuko spins around. She’s crying too. Which is unusual. It’s not like Toph is cruel, but she isn’t like the others. She wouldn’t cry because some old lady she barely knew was upset. Maybe he’s misread this situation. He’s learned over the past few months with these people that it’s probably best to just ask. So he does.
“Are you guys upset because of Yain?”
Sokka’s hands - already bunched into fists - squeeze impossibly tighter. His head shoots up to lock eyes with Zuko. “It’s because of what she said , Zuko. How can you-,” he cuts himself off. He digs his palms into his eyes and starts pacing. “I just, I can’t-,”
“Ozai needs to pay ,” Katara seeths. And wow - it’s been awhile since Zuko heard her that angry. The last time was probably when she was talking to him, just after he joined their group.
Now Zuko understands.
The thing about scars (especially his very prominent scar) is that people easily come to their own assumptions about their origin. Sure, they will stare, maybe they’ll even ask. But the longer they go without knowing the truth, the more the truth stops mattering. They will draw their own conclusions and move on.
It’s not like he wanted to keep this a secret from them. Of anyone, they are the ones he would most readily tell about what happened. They’re his friends and he’s closer to them than to anyone else in his life - save for Uncle. He had simply thought that they already knew. He figured the Fire Nation would declare what happened proudly, especially as a means to combat insurrection.
Obviously, there’s a lot he assumed about that day that may not be true.
Behind him, Aang grips his wrist. When he turns, it’s to see the boy shaking. He looks angry.
“If I had known…” he looks up. He looks angry but also scared. Like he doesn’t know what to do with what he’s feeling. “I’m so sorry Zuko. I should have-, I…”
“Whoa,” Zuko grips his hand, interrupting him. “Why are you sorry? There’s nothing you could have done, Aang. It happened long before we even met.”
Sokka chokes behind him, and Aang squeezes his eyes shut hard.
“He’s talking about his fight with Ozai, dummy,” Toph says. And while the words are harsh, her voice is too wobbly to pack any real punch. “He should’ve killed him, like we had originally agreed.”
Zuko swallows. “That’s not what you wanted. That’s not what would have been right.”
“Forget what’s right, Zuko,” Katara says, pushing forward to stand beside Aang. “Your father mutilated a child . His own son . We knew he was evil but-,”
“That takes it to a whole new level,” Sokka interrupts. He’s still pacing. “In the water tribe, that kind of thing doesn’t stand. Child abuse is horrible. On par with murder.”
Zuko blinks, shocked at the words. “It. It was an Agni Kai,” he explains. He’s not trying to justify his father’s actions, but they should know the difference. It was a duel.
Toph stomps and nearby, a boulder flies into the air, landing with a crash. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”
“An Agni Kai is a duel.”
“And?” Katara says, hands on her hips now, expectant.
“A duel...isn’t child abuse.” He glances at all of them, feeling like maybe he’s missing something important as they only seem to get more upset. “The rules are the first one burned loses. Obviously the way my-, he, handled it wasn’t right but it was...a duel…” he trails off when Toph stomps to the boulder she threw, punching it into a thousand tiny pieces.
“Someone talk some fucking sense into him.”
Aang’s hand is gripping his wrist in a punishing hold now. Katara and Sokka are back to crying.
“I’m sorry,” Zuko murmurs. “I thought you knew. I figured everyone did, even outside of the Fire Nation.” He waves his hand, deepening his voice to try to mimic Ozai in a desperate effort to lighten the mood. “Let this be a lesson. Anyone who defies me must fight in an Agni Kai and will not be allowed to return home until they have the Avatar.”
Nobody laughs. Not even a chuckle. Toph did say his jokes were bad but usually they don’t fall this flat.
“How long ago was this,” Sokka asks, voice barely a whisper.
Zuko deflates. So there’s really no getting out of this, huh? He responds, “A little over three years now.”
“Aang showed up barely over one year ago,” Katara says, voice choked.
Zuko doesn’t really know how to respond. At thirteen, he had raw determination and the hope of a child to carry him through those long years on the water. Now, he recognizes the quest for what it was: a fool’s errand. His father never expected him back. Maybe Yain was right: maybe he couldn’t kill Zuko outright, but he could get rid of him by sending him on a wild goose chase.
Zuko touches Aang’s hand. “What you did to my father, that was the right thing to do. You wouldn’t have been able to live with yourself if you killed him. Especially not over that.”
“Over what, almost killing a thirteen year old boy?” Aang says, voice full of uncharacteristic fury.
“Over one sin in a lifetime of thousands,” Zuko replies. “Besides, I survived. And what he did led to where we are.”
Katara throws up her hands. “How can you not be angry?” she asks.
He looks up at her. It’s a great question. He was wondering that himself only moments ago. This is exactly the kind of situation that used to send him on a tirade. The vulnerability of being seen plus the inherent rage at the injustice done to him. He should be upset, but...
But.
These are his friends. And he truly did believe they already knew. On some level, he had already come to terms with it. They stayed with him despite his scar, despite his past. And maybe it should scare him that they didn’t really know. Yet, looking at them now, he can tell that finding out the whole truth won’t change anything. They care about him, and will continue to do so.
He’s spent his whole life being angry on some level. Angry at not being as good as Azula. Angry at his mother’s disappearance. Angry at his own weakness and banishment. And yes, angry at his father for doing what he did. He still has nightmares and finds it hard to look at himself in a mirror and can’t handle when people touch him. Those things are all consequences of what happened that day. They are all Ozai’s fault. Those are all things he needs to work on, and work through.
So yes, he’s still upset. It’s an ever-present feeling that bubbles to the surface whenever he walks by a mirror. As part of that, there is also anger. But right now the anger is only there in a distant sort of way.
What’s different now is he has people to be angry on his behalf. He can share some of the burden.
He feels bad that they were taken so off guard. And he feels bad that they’re so upset because of him. But…
“I guess,” he says, quietly, “I guess because now I have you.” He shrugs. “I’m alive and I have a family now who actually cares about me. I’m sad that it happened, but I’m not really angry now .” He rubs his neck again, feeling awkward sharing this with them. “I’m not really making sense.”
Aang releases his grip on his wrist, launching forward to pull him into a tight hug. “It makes sense Zuko,” he whispers, muffled against the material of Zuko’s royal robes. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Katara nods slowly, then follows Aang into the hug. Sokka is immediately right behind. Toph joins last, pushing her way into the center to be closest to Zuko.
He sighs, his heart finally slowing its rapid rhythm. The tension in the air has dissipated, and he’s left with nothing more than a feeling of warmth at the concern he’s been shown. The others are still sniffling, crying over his past torment. Crying for him . Every hiccup or sniffle brings a tighter hold from one of the people around him. He finds he doesn’t mind.
Zuko knows now probably isn’t the time, but he smiles. Yain was right. Despite it all, everything turned out for the best; he deserves a little peace, and it’s here, now, in the arms of his friends.