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“Do you know who you are?” the presence asked.
She had been asked that a lot lately. When she was a Peacekeeper grunt no one had cared who she was as long as she did as she was ordered. And as long as she got to fly, got to feel hard space beneath her she didn’t think or care what those orders were.
“Officer Aeryn Sun, Special Peacekeeper Commando, Icarion Company, Pleisar Regiment. Have you come to reassign me?”
“I’ve come to take you back,” the presence coalesced into a familiar form. Zhaan. She remembered now, the prowler going down, her harness jamming being unable to free herself. Plunging through the ice into the empty depths. Drowning… dying… dead.
She was dead. Generally, one did not come back from that. Zhaan took hold of her hands and placed them at either side of Zhaan’s head. Zhaan placed her own hands on Aeryn’s head leant forward until their foreheads were touching and they were joined in Unity.
They had come close to this state before, the first time they had made love. Aeryn remembered it and suddenly they were there, twined together on the couch in Zhaan’s quarters.
“Yes,” Zhaan said. “That was the beginning of us, the sharing of flesh. This is true Unity, the sharing of minds and souls. As our thoughts merge you will understand.”
Aeryn understood all right. Death was a boundary that could not be crossed without great sacrifice. “I understand that you shouldn’t be here.”
“Nor should you,” Zhaan said.
“Why are you doing this?” Aeryn asked. She did not understand why anyone should put themselves in danger to help her. She was just a grunt, a …
“Because I love you… we all love you. You must take this gift, not just for my sake but for all…”
“I can’t. I know your thoughts and I know what this will cost you.”
“Stop resisting, Aeryn. Accept this…” Zhaan felt the energy she was expending turn back against her.
“No!” Aeryn pulled away, throwing Zhaan clear. She felt her consciousness spiral down into the depths but this time it was different. The darkness that surrounded her was not complete. There was a single shaft of light penetrating the darkness, a lifeline. Unable to stop herself, Aeryn began to follow it…
… and woke, gasping. It had been two weeks since her return from her icy tomb, two weeks since Zhaan’s self-sacrifice.
“It was a bad trade, Zhaan,” she whispered, tears in her eyes. It had torn the crew apart, losing and then finding her but at the cost of Zhaan’s life. Zhaan had accepted it. The rest of them were hoping beyond hope that they would find a cure, a way of restoring Zhaan to health again.
“Don’t undervalue yourself,” Zhaan stood in the doorway to Aeryn’s quarters. She came closer, took Aeryn’s hand in hers.
“I’m just a soldier,” Aeryn said. Zhaan caressed her cheek.
“Don’t underestimate yourself.”
“I’m being realistic,” Aeryn tried to explain.
“I told you once before, remember? Don’t be afraid to understand yourself, Aeryn. We are not as different as you assume. A violent past, no faith in the future and then a transformative experience aboard this very ship. My time grows short and yours stretches before you. Use it wisely. I have prayed and meditated on this and my way is clear. The goddess has heard my soul.”
“Zhaan…”
“So, while I’m still sound of mind and spirit, I choose this path for myself.”
“Zhaan, you are needed here.”
Zhaan smiled, shook her head. “For the longest time I feared physical demise, because my spiritual essence was suspect, but now I know I'm worthy. Now I know the transgressions have melted from my soul. Now I know I shall meet my Goddess, and be accepted to her bosom.” She cupped Aeryn’s cheek with her hand. “There is no guilt. There is no blame. Only what is meant to be. Grow through your mistakes and know that if patient, redemption will find you.” Zhaan stared searchingly into Aeryn’s eyes. “Something deeply troubles you still beyond my death. Your soul is reft. You fight against yourself.”
“I was born a Peacekeeper. It was my life, all I knew,” Aeryn said softly. “I was as I was expected to be. But now… nothing is certain.”
Aeryn Sun looked at herself through Zhaan’s eyes. It was as if she had two selves, Peacekeeper Officer Sun and Aeryn Sun, renegade. They stood, side by side, apparently joined at the hip and shoulder, Siamese twins.
Her Peacekeeper self, her hair tightly braided, eyes storm-cold tried to pull away. The other, her hair loose, smelling of one of Crichton’s favourite oils, stood her ground. Her eyes were sapphire blue, the expression peaceful, full of hope.
“What do you want me to do?” Aeryn asked. “Do you want me to make a choice?”
Peacekeeper Sun glowered at her and the world with barely concealed contempt in her storm blue eyes. The other Aeryn gazed at her with an expression she had once often seen in John Crichton’s eyes when he looked at her – unconditional trust and love. But that was before Scorpius and the Aurora Chair. Before the neural clone had taken him over and he had killed her and Zhaan was forced to jeopardise her own life to bring her back. Now it seemed that he could not bear to look at her. None of them were sure just how badly his mind had been damaged through prolonged exposure to the neural chip and the brutal surgery to remove it. And Aeryn seemed condemned to a life she had no wish to be in if it was going to be this painful. A life she must accept if Zhaan’s sacrifice was not to be in vain.
“No, my dear. You must embrace both sides of your nature and try to balance them within yourself otherwise you will never be truly complete. This part only you can do, Aeryn. But I will watch over you. Do not be afraid.”
Aeryn sensed Zhaan’s presence nearby. Zhaan and more than Zhaan. Never had Aeryn seen the Goddess so clearly as she did now. But still she was afraid. And the unfamiliar emotion fed upon itself gaining more of a hold on her with every moment.
“But they hate each other so much. They cannot exist in the same form! They are too different. It will destroy me, Zhaan!” Aeryn had endured the agonies of Heat Delirium, the torture of having her DNA gradually rewritten, the pain of being stabbed, the horror of drowning, the discomfort of physical injuries a hundred times over but she did not want the pain of this, the terror of realizing feelings so long suppressed.
Peacekeeper Sun’s lip curled with disdain. “Tralk, traitorous bitch, weak as dren you associate with this lesser species, you recreate with them, indulge in feelings that go against everything you were ever taught. You deserved to die. You should have stayed dead. You’re not even pure Sebacean any more. Contaminant! I despise you!”
“Aeryn, there is no such thing as a lesser species, you know that now. As John said, you can be more, much more than a Peacekeeper. Already you are more. Being different, being one alone does not make you weak. The ability to love and be loved does not make you weak. John Crichton loves you. Zhaan loves you. Chiana loves you. Pilot and Moya love you. And you love them.” The alternate Aeryn – John’s Aeryn Zhaan’s Aeryn – smiled, her expression one of love and reassurance and suddenly Aeryn knew why John’s nicknames for her were Sunshine, Sundance and when he was being particularly facetious, ‘the radiant Aeryn Sun’. Her smile did indeed light up the room. “Now you must learn to love yourself.”
Zhaan was right. She had to make peace with both sides of herself to be whole again. “Peacekeeper, I honour you for your strength and your discipline. You are what I was and I owe you my life many times over. I will never forget you,” Aeryn said, putting her hand on the woman’s shoulder. The Peacekeeper tried to shake her off, but could not. There was a look of intense fear on her face. Aeryn felt sudden compassion for the unknowing creature she had been. “I will make you a part of me but I choose to temper your qualities with what I have learnt these past three cycles.” She smiled at the other Aeryn and put her other hand on her shoulder and drew the twinned creature close, embracing it. “You give me hope that I can change and still be true to myself.” She felt Zhaan behind her, heard her soft chant rising in triumph.
Aeryn opened her eyes. Zhaan’s hands were still placed at either side of Aeryn’s skull, her head bowed, her eyes closed, their foreheads touching. Aeryn noticed with alarm that her friend and mentor looked more grey than blue and felt immediate sharp guilt that she was the cause of Zhaan’s illness.
“Don’t,” Zhaan said softly, opening clouded sapphire eyes. She softly kissed Aeryn’s eyelids and then sweetly on the lips. “It was of my own free will that I brought you back into this life and that I join with you now in Unity. The Goddess showed me long ago when you first came to us that, as unpromising as you seemed then,” her gentle smile took any sting from her words, “you were important and that it was my task to nurture you. Moya and Pilot need you, Aeryn. John Crichton needs you. And I need you. Though I have no wish to die, I cannot think of a better cause in which to give my life. And I am pleased to have brought you to resolution. You must continue to be strong, Aeryn, for all of us. I feel we will have need of your strength more than ever in the times ahead.” Zhaan’s voice was little more than a whisper now, her hands trembling.
“How can I ever repay you for what you’ve done for me?” Aeryn asked, tears glistening in her storm blue eyes.
Zhaan’s long cool fingers brushed them from her cheek. “Live,” she whispered. “Learn.” Stark emerged from the shadows. Aeryn had no idea how long he had been there, watching. Zhaan smiled up at him, caressed the mask that covered half of his face. “Love.”
“I will take care of you now, sweet Zhaan,” he crooned, gathering the Delvian into his arms. “It was bravely done, my dearest, bravely done.” He turned to Aeryn. “I will take her to her quarters. You should also rest now, Aeryn Sun; sleep. May your dreams be sweet.”
Aeryn felt too energized to rest. She got up, intending to wander the deserted corridors on the upper tiers for a while, letting the comforting thrum of Moya’s systems wash through and around her. She wasn’t surprised to find that her feet had taken her instead to Pilot’s den.
“Officer Sun… Aeryn,” Pilot said slowly. He seemed almost shy of her since her return. “I trust you are recovering? Your session with Pau-ou Zhaan went well?”
“It did, Pilot. Thank you.” Aeryn reached up to stroke his cheek. She didn’t bother to ask how he knew what she had been doing. She had a feeling that one or more of his little mechanoid helpers hadn’t let her out of their sight since she had come back on board. “I feel… better. Glad to be home.”
“Moya and I are happy that you have come to regard us as home,” Pilot said. Aeryn boosted herself up onto the end of Pilot’s console and greatly daring, Pilot put one of his arms around her. To his delight she snuggled in closer to him. Minutes later her deep regular breathing told him she had fallen asleep.