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Gaon stared at his reflection in the mirror, eyes jumping from one feature to another. His fingers traced his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose, the shape of his lips. He flexed his jaw, noticing how his skin clenched, then looking back up at his doe eyes.
He sighed.
"What are you doing?"
Gaon whirled around to find Yohan leaning on the bathroom's door frame as he straightened the just-finished tie knot around his neck. The corner of his lips curled up in amusement.
"Chief Kang," Gaon greeted with a warm smile. "Nothing, sir. I'm almost done."
Yohan raised a delicate eyebrow, but didn't push it, instead choosing to turn around.
"Don't be slow, Judge Kim, or I might just leave without you." Yohan called back good-naturedly.
Gaon cleared his throat, willing himself to look the man in the eye as he spoke. "Actually, Soo Hyun is picking me up today. I hope Chief Kang won't mind going ahead of me."
Yohan stopped, turning sideways to face the younger. It took a lot for Gaon to maintain a natural face, praying the other judge wouldn't be able to pick up on his nervousness.
"My, are you finally tired of me making you drive every time?" Yohan teased, though his eyes didn't light up as they usually did.
Gaon forced a chuckle, then what he hoped was his usual charming smile as Yohan left. Safe again, he slumped over the sink, meeting his own eyes in the mirror again.
His eyes. Gaon wondered if they were Isaac's eyes as well.
Another sigh escaped as the thoughts that had been plaguing him for days stormed his mind, now only growing in intensity.
Gaon had grown up a single child, so he hadn't known how it is to share similar features with someone else except his parents, let alone sharing their whole face.
How much of his appearance was identical to Kang Isaac? He'd seen one picture and one alone, but the similarities had been striking enough to be imprinted in his mind.
In the beginning, it hadn't bothered him much. He hadn't even thought about the late Kang brother who, had he been alive, could have passed for his twin.
Lately however, things had changed. Questions arose unbidden and unwelcome.
When Ms. Ji tried to feed him and welcome him, was she doing it in honor of her late master? As he played with Elijah, spent time with her, joking around and growing closer, did she see her father in him? A replacement for the one who couldn’t be? When Kang Yohan smirked at him fondly, holding his gaze, what did he see?
The last one hit a little too close to home, a heavy burden on his heart, and Gaon had started fearing just what it really meant.
“You’re hopeless.”
“Soo-Hyun,” Gaon whined, sliding down his car seat as Soo-Hyun drove him to work. “You’re supposed to be my friend and comfort me.”
“I’m driving you to work for the third time this week,” Soo-Hyun said drily. “Any ounce of sympathy I had is long gone.”
She took a sharp turn and Gaon’s head hit the window glass. As he rubbed the sore spot, he wasn’t entirely sure it hadn’t been on purpose.
“I don’t understand why you don’t just talk to him about it,” Soo-Hyun said.
Gaon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, because that’s exactly what I should do. I bring it up and he kicks me out, and then I’ll have to settle for video calls with Elijah.”
“Do you really think that?” Soo-Hyun said incredulously, eyes flickering from the road to her moody friend. “Gaon, why is he even letting you live with him in the first place? Do you think he would let just anyone near his niece like that?” She added, thinking of the times she’d hung out with Elijah and the consequences that came after in the form of an enraged Kang Yohan.
Gaon leaned his head on the window. “That’s just it,” he murmured. “Why am I there if not a replacement for Kang Isaac? I’m like a living ghost for them, a way to cling to someone who is not there anymore.”
His heart clenched in his chest, the truth of the words he’d held back for quite some time now.
“Why does it bother you so much?” Soo-Hyun asked, curious. Gaon wasn’t usually the type to let such things upset him.
Gaon bit his lip, contemplating being really honest with his friend or giving a flimsy excuse. He’d been doing a lot of the latter lately, but unlike Yohan who was okay with giving him space, Soo-Hyun wouldn’t just let them go.
“I think-,” Gaon took a deep breath. “There is a chance my feelings towards Yohan might not be totally platoni-”
Soo-Hyun stepped fully on the breaks, Gaon flying forward from his seat as they stopped in front of a red light. His head pounding from nerves, Gaon didn’t dare look at Soo-Hyun, who was staring at him wide-eyed.
The light turned green, and Soo-Hyun started the car again.
“I see,” she said, and Gaon thought the awkwardness in the air would kill him. “So that’s how it is.”
Gaon considered apologizing; it wasn’t fair to talk about this to Soo-Hyun when he was aware of her feelings for him. But he’d bottled up his emotions for a long time now, and there was no one he wanted to tell other than Soo-Hyun, because in the end, they were the same.
They both had feelings for someone who would never return them.
“Have you told him?”
Gaon blinked. Out of everything, he didn’t expect her to ask him that. Without really meaning to, he laughed, earning himself a glare.
He quickly apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, I swear.” He smiled, a tad sadly. “How could I possibly tell him? He’d mock me for it well into the next decade.”
Soo-hyun scoffed. “Gaon, I think we both know Kang Yohan isn’t one to care for social norms or what people deem acceptable or not. What’s the real problem?”
Gaon kept quiet for a moment before answering. “I can’t confess to him, Soo-Hyun, I have the same face as his brother. How would he look at me after that?” Gaon couldn’t deal with that, wouldn’t deal with that. The look of disgust in Yohan’s face, the disappointment, or even the anger that would follow.
“Kang Yohan is not stupid,” Soo-Hyun started. “Sooner or later, he’ll realize it himself. What will happen then?”
Gaon groaned, the idea making him even more anxious, before rubbing his eyes to calm the thumping inside of his head. “God, anything but that. I’d have to leave and then find a way to mend whatever’s left of my heart and dignity.” How could he explain it to Elijah then? Would she even want to hear it?
“Gaon,” Soo-Hyun said softly. “If that’s how you feel, then maybe try to distance yourself from them a little? I mean, it’s bound to happen soon either way, so you might want to do it on your terms at least.”
Gaon froze, his throat going dry at his friend’s advice. He swallowed, not understanding why it would hit him so hard when he already knew.
He knew that it couldn’t go on forever. He knew that sooner or later, Yohan would complete his plans, and there’d be no reason for him to stay anymore. Maybe they’d move to the States, where Elijah could go to school and finally have a normal life.
And where would Gaon be then?
“I suppose that’s what I should do,” Gaon said. “It’d be for the best, right?”
What could go wrong?
Three weeks later, Gaon realized that maybe he’d made a mistake.
In his defense, he’d thought he’d done everything right.
He’d made sure to go to work with Yohan at least three times, so he wouldn’t think anything was wrong, only that Gaon was a little busier than usual. He’d kept in touch with Mrs. Ji, teaching her how to cook simple dishes, so he wouldn’t have to leave them prepared, cold and covered for Yohan and Elijah. Now she was able to cook them breakfast without incidents, and although Elijah had eaten every time, he wasn’t sure Yohan did too.
Now though, he could safely spend the nights back at his apartment, caring for his plants, and if Gaon went to sleep every night with his heart hurting, that was no one’s business but his own. It was for the best, so he didn’t inconvenience anyone, so that when it all ended, they’d at least be on good terms and take only the good memories with them.
So why then, had Kang Yohan stormed inside the living room, where Gaon had been sitting on the couch waiting for Elijah to get ready, thrown his bag away and turned to Gaon with a look of cold fury on his eyes?
Gaon started, shocked. It’d been some time since he’d seen Yohan this angry.
“Did something happen?” He asked, trying to remain calm.
“Get up,” the other man said through gritted teeth.
Gaon blinked. “Wha-”
Apparently, he wasn’t fast enough for the chief judge’s liking, because he grabbed Gaon by his arm and pulled him up, not at all gently as he usually would. Gaon struggled to regain his balance as Yohan threw him on his feet, away from him.
Gaon turned back around to face Yohan, eyes wide. “Have you lost your mind? What-”
“I don’t think you’re in the position to be asking me questions, Kim Gaon.” Uh-huh, Kim Gaon he said. Yohan really wasn’t in a good mood.
“I don’t understand-”
Yohan grabbed him again, right below his neck and where it met his shoulder, not high enough to choke him, but also not as low as it would appear unthreatening. He walked Gaon back until his head hit the wall, and oh, no, they’d been in this position before.
Gaon held onto Yohan’s wrist as he felt the fingers tighten around his skin. “Kang Yoha-”
“Just what,” Yohan breathed slowly, eyes flashing, “do you think you’ve been doing, huh?”
Gaon didn’t respond. Wasn’t sure he wanted to.
“If you wanted to leave, you could have just done so,” Yohan snarled and Gaon froze.
He knew.
In hindsight, he really should have realized that Yohan would catch on.
“I tried not to pry, because I thought you’d get over whatever it is you were dealing with on your own,” Yohan said in a low voice, gaze still cold and unmoving, and Gaon recognized the walls he had worked so hard to bring down, now back up in full strength. “For once, I was willing to be lenient. But I will not tolerate this from you.”
“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He also didn’t know what possessed him to continue playing dumb, but Gaon couldn’t talk about the real problem.
The hand on his neck tightened, and he gasped.
“Don’t you, now?” Yohan said with a dangerous smirk that promised Gaon would live to regret it. “So how is it that Elijah has come to me, tears in her eyes and screaming about how I must have done something to you surely, said something to drive you away, because why else would you be shutting her out? Why else would you find excuses to be away from her?
And then I wondered ‘How could I have possibly done that?’, considering I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen you this month? When Elijah had to call me to let me know you were here?”
Fuck, he was so dead.
Gaon looked down, shame curling inside him, because of course Elijah had noticed too. The amount of times he’d pushed her to hang out with Soo-Hyun instead of him, stacked papers and files on the kitchen table so she wouldn’t ask to do something with him. Elijah was, after all, just as sharp as her uncle. And just as smart, to guilt trip him into waiting there, as her uncle was coming home.
Yohan’s other hand grabbed his chin, forcing him to meet his gaze, much like he’s done that other time.
“Having you look at me like that with that face, hurts my feelings a bit.”
“It’s painful to look at me isn’t it?”
Resolutely, Gaon pulled his head aside and looked away. Away from the man who affected him so, yet couldn’t stand to look at his face.
Yohan stared at him, before leaning in, lips hovering over Gaon’s ear. “Have I upset you, Kim Gaon?”
Gaon, despite his determination, shuddered at the breathy comment spoken so close to his face. The proximity of the other made his body run hot, and he could only hope he didn’t look as flustered as he felt.
The hand that had been wrenched away from his chin now rested on the wall, next to his face. The other, previously on its way to block his airways, now slid up to his face, cradling his head.
Gaon felt like he was on fire.
“Yo-Yohan,” Gaon whispered, not daring to break whatever illusion he was in. “What are you doing?”
“Me? Taking care of you,” Yohan answered, pulling his body in until it was flush to Gaon’s. “Which is what I should have done way earlier, so you wouldn’t have run away from me.”
Yohan’s fingers curled in his hair and pulled his head until their eyes met again. Now instead of the anger in eyes, Gaon could see the hurt, as well as the determination.
“I will not allow you to run away from me, Gaon,” Yohan said, voice brooking no room for argument. His hand moved once again, cupping his face, thumb brushing the skin under Gaon’s eyes as Yohan studied his face. “I’m not that good of a person as to let you slip through my fingers. I refuse to lose you, I won’t.”
I refuse to lose you
“To lose me?” Gaon repeated. “Or to lose the person I represent again?”
The words echoed in the silent room, and Gaon almost regretted them, but it felt like a load had come off of him. Whatever Yohan said now, whatever he did, at least Gaon could take it with a peaceful conscience.
Yohan breathed in, the look in his eyes calculating.
The hand didn’t leave his face, thumb still circling his cheekbone.
“What do you mean by that?” The other hand settled on his waist, slowly moving up and down, mapping the muscle underneath.
Gaon’s eyes widened, a gasp escaping him, as he went to grab the other’s wrist once again. “Yohan, what-”
Yohan grabbed his jaw, moving his head to the side so he could press his lips to Gaon’s ear, slowly dragging them down.
“What were you so scared of?” He asked, pushing the hair framing his face away and behind his ear.
Gaon had never been more confused in his life.
“I-I thought-, you-” he was cut off by a whimper leaving his mouth, as Yohan’s hand brushed a nipple on its way to claiming all of Gaon’s torso.
“You thought I didn’t see you, baby deer?” Yohan said, a hint of amusement coloring his words. He pressed a knee in-between Gaon’s legs, enjoying the sound the other let out. “You thought I kept you near me as a token of my past to remind me of what I lost? Did you put your value on par with that of a memento, like a keepsake or a necklace I’d wear around my wrist?”
Gaon couldn’t process the words Yohan was saying, though they sounded important. He could only focus on the knee rubbing against him, the fingers pulling his hair just on the right side of painful, the palm tracing his muscles, and the lips trailing kisses on his face.
Was he so gone on Yohan, that so little of his attention was enough to drive him crazy?
“But, my face-” Gaon started, breathless, as his arms rose to cling to Yohan's back, wrinkling his suit. “I didn’t think you’d, ever-”
Yohan kissed a sensitive part below his ear, before biting it lightly, as if reprimanding his partner for his foolish thoughts. “What did we say about making assumptions, hmm?”
Gaon frowned. “That’s not the same thing.”
Yohan pulled back, satisfied to see Gaon so flushed from his actions. “It is true that when I met you, your resemblance to Isaac shook me, and at times, I even used it against you.”
Ha, Gaon thought triumphantly, he knew it.
Yohan rested his forehead against Gaon’s. “But you’re so far from the person my brother was. These days, if I think of your similarities, I’d think more along the lines of how Isaac’s appearance resembles yours. Because he’s been gone a long time, and you’re here with me, Gaon.”
Gaon’s breathing stuttered to a stop, surprise evident in his expression.
Yohan continued. “You’re here, being your impulsive, stubborn self, getting into trouble and exploding at the most inappropriate moments. You’re here with your nosiness, pulling band-aids off of wounds so you can gently heal them, with the mischievous teasing and bleeding heart, but also with your darkness and demons.”
Tears pooled into Gaon’s eyes as he tried to blink them away. How wrong he had been.
Yohan gave a small, uncharacteristic smile. “I do see you, Gaon. I have for a long time.”
Gaon gave a small laugh and pulled the other man in, hugging him so close one would think he was never letting go. Arms wrapped around him, his middle and his neck, and Gaon never thought he’d get to have this, to have him.
They pulled away and stood next to each other, Gaon wiping at his eyes as Yohan kept the hand on his neck, playing with the hair there.
“Don’t think you’re getting out of this so easily,” he whispered in his ear when Gaon had put himself together. “I don’t take kindly to you taking away what’s mine.”
Gaon shivered. “What’s yours?” He asked, deciding to humor him. “And what could that possibly be?”
Yohan’s hand grabbed Gaon’s jaw from the back, turning his head to the side so Yohan could see his face. “Everything, baby deer,” he answered in a low voice, “your presence, your time, your body...you. All of you.”
Gaon smiled. He didn’t think he’d mind his punishment as much.
As soon as her phone started ringing Elijah answered.
“You’re here?” She asked after swallowing down a mouthful of cookies. She’d gotten them before leaving Gaon downstairs, because it wasn’t likely either him or Yohan would be checking up and scolding her for a while at least.
Soo-Hyun’s voice came from the other side. “Yeah, just outside. You ready?”
Elijah glanced at herself in the mirror and then dusted off some crumbs from her lap. “I’m good. I will be down shortly.”
“How did it go?”
Elijah smiled triumphantly. “Everything’s alright now. Thank you for your help, unnie.”
She ended the call, contemplated, then got another cookie before heading downstairs.