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How Expired Can This Possibly Be?
It was almost midnight when Greed-ler got home. He had called ahead and told Once-ler he’d be late. He flicked on the light in the front room and turned down the dimmer. No need to wake Once-ler up at this hour. But he was hungry. Sure he’d said not to fix anything for him to eat, but perhaps that was less than wise. He set his hat and sunglasses down on the coffee table.
Whatever he was going to eat, it had to be quick. He still had to get to sleep soon. He opened the pantry and scanned for something he could bolt down. There wasn’t much. Once-ler usually cooked something from scratch every day, so there was mostly just cooking ingredients.
Greed-ler stooped down and dug in the back. No. No, not that. That’s no good. Not that either. He felt a can rolling around and pulled it out. It was dented and dusty. Some kind of corn and potato chowder, from the looks of it. The label was scratched too much to be sure.
How old is this stuff? It can’t be all that old, right? It’s probably fine. I just need something in my stomach. Canned stuff is supposed to last a while, anyway. How expired can this possibly be?
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As it turned out, it was quite expired. Greed-ler woke up around sunrise in the middle of emptying his stomach next to himself in the bed. The sound woke up Once-ler on his other side.
Once-ler got out of bed and stepped into his slippers. He circled around the bed and watched Greed-ler continue puking.
“What did you do? You ate something weird, didn’t you?”
Greed-ler started to shoot back something snarky, but instead heaved yet again over the side of the bed. Once-ler shook his head and went down to the kitchen for a bucket and some towels. He came back up and pushed the bucket into Greed-ler’s hands.
“Go shower, then park it on the couch. I gotta clean this now.”
Greed-ler nodded and headed to the bathroom on shaky legs. The toilet was too far from the shower, so he set the bucket closer on the floor. The shower helped some, though only slightly. He emptied the bucket into the toilet and rinsed it in the still-running shower.
His fingers were too clumsy to get properly dressed. The most he could manage was putting on his boxers and bathrobe. He couldn’t even tie the thing closed. He stumbled downstairs and fell into the couch, bucket a couple feet away. Once-ler came down the stairs, carrying the wadded-up bedding to the basement. He stopped near the couch and brushed the bangs from Greed-ler’s eyes.
“I just called your secretary and I told them you’re home sick. I’ll be back in a sec; I just gotta start the wash.”
Greed-ler was fully delirious. His eyes swiveled over to Once-ler and watched him descend the basement steps. He smiled and thought to himself what a cute nurse they had in this casino. His head was too foggy, and he faded in and out of awareness until Once-ler came back up and stooped to kiss his forehead.
“How’s your stomach?”
“I got one of those! It’s in my belly. Do you wanna see? I’ll let you see for a dollar.”
Once-ler giggled and held the inside of his wrist to Greed-ler’s forehead. As he expected, he had a fever.
“Okay. Sit tight for a sec. I’m gonna get you a cold rag.”
“And some more chips! I can’t find my chips! Hey, listen. I know that guy at the blackjack table.” He pointed across the room to a coat tree. “I can win him, I swear.”
“I’m sure.” Once-ler went into the kitchen and came back with a wet rag wrapped around a baggie of ice. “Come on, babe. Turn longways so I can cool ya down.”
Greed-ler shifted and rested his head on the arm of the couch. “Are you flirting with me?”
“Yes. Now hold still. There we go.”
“Cold! This isn’t sexy at all!”
“Sure it is. Are you still pukey?”
“Hmm… Are we on a boat right now?”
“Yeah, okay, I’m gonna see if we have something.”
Once-ler went to the pantry and found a case of warm ginger ale. He paused and considered Greed-ler might be a little too out of it to drink from a can or a glass. A thought occurred to him and he grinned wickedly.
Greed-ler was brought back from spacing out by Once-ler’s hand on his cheek. He opened his eyes and looked up at him smirking down at him.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing at all, love. Here. Drink this.”
Once-ler handed Greed-ler a sippy cup full of ginger ale. Greed-ler took it without a thought and drank from it.
“This cocktail sucks.”
“I still need to wash the mattress. Can you rest here for a while?”
“Yeah. For a dollar.”
Once-ler took a bottle of Folex and a scrub brush upstairs. He looked back at Greed-ler drinking his ginger ale from the sippy cup and smiled. A Polaroid camera sat on a shelf on the wall. He picked it up and took a photo of Greed-ler with his sippy cup and spacey expression.
Greed-ler rested on the couch, his mind blank. After a while, he realized he was peckish.
Where did that cute guy go? I wonder if they got sliders here. Where’s Oncie? I can’t order anything without my Oncie.
In a whining voice, he called out, “Oncie? Oncie! Where did you go?”
Once-ler stopped his scrubbing and came down the stairs. “Oh? Are we lucid now?”
“There you are, baby. I’m hungry. What do you wanna get? I’ll buy you anything you want. You’re my good-luck boy.”
“You’re not gonna eat for another few hours, mister. Have you kept the ginger ale down?”
Greed-ler looked at his sippy cup. “Ale? No, I’ve been drinking it. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted some.”
Once-ler shook his head. “I mean, is your bucket empty?”
Greed-ler picked up the bucket. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Let me finish up and then I’ll get you some crackers.”
“I don’t think they have crackers here. Do you wanna go somewhere else?”
Once-ler sighed. The rest of the mattress would have to wait. He came around to the couch and sat beside Greed-ler. He flipped over the rag on Greed-ler’s head and stroked his thumb over his temple. Greed-ler was cooling down a little, but it would be a little longer before the delirium let up.
Greed-ler held Once-ler’s hand to his face and began to doze off. His stomach was almost settled again. It was almost noon now. Once-ler stood up to switch over the laundry. Greed-ler was asleep.
Greed-ler woke up again in the early evening. Once-ler was perched on the other end of the couch, trying to get the seal off a bottle of ibuprofen. Greed-ler felt more lucid now.
“Hey baby.”
“You’re awake. How ya feeling?”
“Starving. Is it too late to decide what I wanna eat?”
“I haven’t started yet, no.”
“Can we have matzo ball soup? I’m hella craving it.”
“That actually sounds wise. Sure, I can fix that up.”
“Awesome.”
Once-ler finally broke through the seal on the pill bottle and shook out four pills. Greed-ler sat up and took them with a glass of tepid water.
“Ugh, my mouth tastes nasty. And I need to take a piss. Can you help me up?”
“Yeah. There ya go. Can you walk?”
“Yeah. I’m good. Stomach’s better and everything. I think I’ll take tomorrow off, too. Just to be safe and not because I want to spend time with the man I love.”
Once-ler scoffed and leaned in to kiss Greed-ler’s cheek. “A guy can do both.”