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Leia Skywalker-Naberrie was many things. 6-time winner of the Naboo debate championship, avid collector of platform steel toed boots (to place her height at exactly one inch taller than her brother), the proud creator of a game the ten-year-old twins had gleefully christened ‘saxophone lava’. She was also, she reflected, dragging Luke behind her as they marched through the hallways of the University of Coruscant, extremely fucking pissed off.
Was she not able to have one thing without her family somehow messing it up? Why was she cursed with the Galaxy’s most well-known parents? She exhaled in frustration, turning the corner quick enough to cause Luke to yelp from behind her as his shin made impact with the wall.
In truth, she wasn’t that mad. She loved her family, and she knew deep down it’s not actually them she’s angry at; it’s easier to be irritated at her mom’s pin-up poster however than to find and politely threaten the owner of the holonet tabloid ‘Star-Studded’ into forgetting the name Skywalker or Amidala. (She had tried, 3 years ago, only to be thwarted by the horrors of the Coruscanti public transportation system and the puppy dog eyes of her brother). Now, she planned to cool off by browsing the activities fair, and by the will of the Force she would avoid all mentions of her family name.
“-Leia, are you even listening to me? Slow down!”
Leia glanced behind her to see her brother, looking slightly worse for wear, and still sporting the red flush he’d had when she’d burst into his new room a few minutes ago. He had his hand massaging his shin and a glare on his face, though it looked about as threatening as her friend Yula’s new tooka kitten. She let his other hand drop, and together they moved out of the doorway into the courtyard, finding a spot in the shade by unspoken agreement.
“Sorry Lu, I didn’t mean to storm off like that, I’m just -ugh!” She thudded her fist against the smooth wall of the dorm building. “I am so sick of being jump scared by people crushing on our parents! I mean, does the public not even think of my poor eyes?” She turned back to Luke, suddenly uncertain.
“Are we doing the right thing? Maybe we should’ve waited another year, or gone under different names like Uncle Obi said…” She trailed off, a little embarrassed. She was so used to being confident in her plan of action, and it was only to her twin that she could admit to being nervous. Luke looked slightly taken aback by her uncharacteristic hesitation but didn’t pause before knocking their shoulders together.
“We’ll be… we’ll be fine. I mean it is a little funny, now I’m not about to die from awkwardness – I thought my roommate was going to leap out the window to try and escape!”
Leia’s head whipped round, one of the braids hitting Luke in the face. “Oh shit, I’m sorry! - you mean your roommate had one as well?”
Luke nodded, holding his nose as he recovered from the braid attack. “Yeah, he did. Leia,” his eyes took on a haunted look, “Dad’s tits were right there. I don’t think I’ll ever recover! And then Dad was there, and he said, he said, ‘nice poster’ and Leia,” he buried his face in his hands, “I think he broke my roommate.”
She stared at him for a second, processing this, then burst into cackling laughter.
“Stop laughing at me! I’m traumatised, Lei!” But he started laughing too, and soon they were attracting weird looks from passers-by, wondering at the mental state of the hysterical teenagers slumped over laughing in a bush by the entrance to the dorms.
“Luke,” she finally said, wiping the tears from her eyes, “That is so much worse than mine. I can’t believe Dad showed up, I thought he was still wrangling Uncle Obi like his last comm said.” She placed a hand on her chest, solemnly. “Your abject humiliation has lifted my spirits, thank you for your sacrifice.”
Luke shoved her and her mock dignity broke with a very un-dignified snort, and she shoved him back quickly before launching herself to her feet in a sudden burst of energy.
“Let’s go check out the activities fair! I want to see if there’s any youth fencing club left on Coruscant that hasn’t banned me from entering.”
Luke also got up, accepting her offered hand, and slung his arm around her shoulder. “You keep getting banned because you refuse to stop using Auntie ‘Soka’s ‘war tactics’ in the civilian fencing clubs.”
“I maintain that if they aren’t prepared to think outside the box then they shouldn’t be fencing.”
“Lei, I’m starting to think you don’t actually know what fencing is.”
***
An hour or so passed with Leia and her brother browsing through the different clubs available. They signed up for a mechanics club, Luke pocketed a flyer for a student-run brass band, and she had placed her name down on a list of students interested in fencing with gleeful satisfaction (and a look in her eye that was perhaps slightly too feral judging by the paling grey of the person behind the table). All in all, she was feeling in much better spirits, which is of course when they reached the final table in the row.
“Hi there! Would you like to hear the good news about our lord and hunky saviour Anakin Skywalker?”
“…What, in the actual fuck.”
It was, on first glance, a mountain of t-shirts. Leia closed her mouth and opened it again. Yep, still an ungodly pile of hot pink t-shirts looming before her on a tiny table, reciting her father’s name. Her eyes darted left to look at Luke, who appeared just as gobsmacked as her. The mountain shifted slightly to reveal a collection of students, all wearing shirts declaring them the – Oh fuck off – ‘Hero with No Fear fan club, 5th executive Coruscant Campus branch’. The togruta girl who’d initially spoken seemed entirely unphased by Leia’s admittedly rude words, instead launching into a rehearsed – yet no less passionate – speech extolling the virtues of the Hero with no Fear.
“Yeah, we’re not interested thanks.” Leia cut in, moving away in an attempt to leave the t-shirt mound to its sins. An attempt that ultimately failed, as she was stopped by the materialisation of 3 new members, all in hot pink with matching offended expressions.
“Not interested? But it’s- it’s Anakin Skywalker!” a Kiffar boy spluttered from behind them. His hands waved about wildly to try and illustrate this injustice. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Luke make a quick dodge out of range.
“Yes, I know who it is, you’ve only mentioned him half a dozen times. Now if you will excuse me, my brother and I will be leaving.” She turned to go again, only to be confronted with the ring of fan club members that had mobilised around them, blocking the exit. Oh, for fuck’s sake, what is it with my family and inspiring cults! Leia thought disbelievingly. This is genuinely getting ridiculous.
‘You’re telling me.’ came Luke’s ‘voice’ through their bond. Ahh, she must’ve been projecting that a bit too loudly.
‘Luke how the fuck are we getting out of this.’
Luke’s presence was distinctly resigned. ‘I don’t think we are.’
While she had been distracted, the fan club had begun to fight for the honour of their dad with a righteous fury she had only seen before in Uncle Obi’s defence of his reality tv binging habit, bombarding them at all sides with pamphlets, posters, keychains, handwritten essays, and even more force-forsaken t-shirts.
“First thing you must understand, dear freshers, is that Anakin Skywalker is a god among sentients. Not only is he a hero of the galaxy- “
“-such a hero- “
“-he can save me any day- “
“- more importantly he is also an incredibly attractive man!”
Luke here attempted to leave surreptitiously but was quickly muscled back into the centre of the mob. He cleared his throat and tried to respond. “Surely, uh- surely being a ‘hero’ or whatever is uh, more important than being… attractive?” His voice was trailing off by the end towards a distinctly undignified voice crack.
Someone patted him on the head, pityingly. “Oh, you sweet summer child. Not with those thighs it’s not.”
‘…Luke I’m gonna kill them.’
‘Leia be reasonable! If you kill them, you can’t verbally eviscerate them too.’
‘…a fair point. Perhaps I will reconsider.’
The various fan club members continued to steamroll ahead. “Frankly,” one said, “I’m surprised you haven’t come across us before! Our organisation is incredibly popular across the Galaxy, with multiple different branches on various planets – do you want to come to our next parade? We’re co-hosting this year with the ‘Negotiator’s Debaters’ three tables down.” They point in the vague direction of left, and Leia makes a mental note to never go down that end of the courtyard. Feeling her irritation bubble up, she tries one more time to leave.
“Just move out of our way, we aren’t interested in joining your little fan club.”
She pushes past the wall of college students, Luke doing the same, only to get stopped once more.
“What, do you have a problem with our organisation or something?”
The tone is accusatory and incredulous, and so Leia thinks- fuck it.
“Truthfully, I find the entire idea repulsive, and there is absolutely no scenario where I wish to spend another second in your presence! Now, move your ass!”
There is a collective gasp of horror. Leia is feeling rather proud of herself, until the togruta girl from the start steps forward.
“It appears there’s only one way to convince you two.” She shakes her head, sadly, before raising her hands like she’s about to take a final bow on the Corellian stage. “BRING FORTH THE PLASTER CAST ASS!”
Force help them all because Leia was about to do something she wouldn’t regret.
The crowd parts, as two members disappear behind the t-shirt mound only to reappear carrying a life-size replica of her father’s ass cheeks in plaster cast, moving towards the horrified twins with all the gravitas of a religious ceremony.
‘Lei, remember that pact we made in Auntie ‘Soka’s treehouse when we were 12? I’m cashing it in right now.’
‘…Luke, I don’t care how embarrassing this is, I am NOT helping you run away and change your identity! We agreed that was only applicable for a level 6 crisis and this is a level 3 at most!’
‘Have you considered that I’m having a level 6 emotional crisis?’
All in all, Leia thought, watching the parade of her dad’s plastic butt get dangerously close, this could not get any worse.
“There you both are!”
That was, of course, until her parents showed up.
Padme Amidala’s (Naberrie in private) voice cut through the ritual chanting like a lightsaber through butter. Standing behind his wife and looking absurdly tall in comparison, Anakin Skywalker waved merrily at them.
“We were just looking for you kids, are you having fun? Joined any cool clubs?”
Luke, looking rather too close to spontaneous sentient combustion for her liking, appeared to accept that this was his life now and replied after a brief pause, “I’ve got a leaflet for the brass band.”
Her mom beamed, “Oh that’s wonderful sweetheart, you’ll love that!”
Leia also found her voice. “I’ve signed up for a new fencing club.”
‘So, we’re all just ignoring this cult behaviour surrounding us then?’ She sent to Luke.
‘I don’t even think mom and dad have noticed yet.’
Her dad turned to look at her, “Found one that’ll still admit you then? Make sure you use Snips’ moves, it’s very entertaining in competitions.”
Padme smacked her husband with the glove she was holding. “Honestly Ani, don’t encourage her!”
“Sorry Angel.” He winked at her from behind her mom’s back.
There was a weighted pause, her parents seemingly happy not to address the fan club shaped elephant in the room.
“…Mr Skywalker uh- General Skywalker sir… will you sign my arm?”
Her dad looked up at that, and absentmindedly held his hand out for a pen. “So, kids, your mom and I were heading to the food court now, do you guys want to come too or meet us later?” A pen was finally placed in his outstretched hand by an incredibly shaky limb, and he bit the cap off with his teeth and signed the Twi’lek’s arm. The Twi’lek in question stared at the autograph in awe, before promptly fainting onto the t-shirt table and collapsing it.
As Leia watched in fascination and horror, another limb was placed in front of him, then another, all of which he signed, never pausing in his conversation with them.
“- I was heading off to find your uncle, I still can’t pinpoint him though I’m definitely getting closer, and then I ran into your mom, and we decided to come find you kids. I’m almost completely sure Obi Wan is in the food court, because – yes, I can sign it to Xero, right here? – well, our force bond says he’s arguing, but the argument currently ‘smells’ of tacos, so it’s really a process of elimination. If you’re happy here though we can go and look for him – on the forehead, are you sure? Ok then – and see you there later?”
Luke clearly saw an escape opportunity and grasped it. “No, we’ll come with you- right now, we’ll go right now, let’s go right now.”
“Hold on,” their mom said, and Leia saw her chances of escape rapidly dwindling. The fan club was in chaos; half were in varying levels of shock, 3 were passed out, and two were trapped under the toppled table of merchandise. Leia groaned internally; terrible timing for their mom’s strong altruistic need to ‘fix things’. Padme stepped closer to the pile of shirts on the floor and picked one up that read ‘Panakin for Anakin <3’ in glitter font. She looked at it consideringly before turning to the stunned girl in charge.
“Can I have this?”
Oh, for fucks sake.
“Uh, um- yes of, of course!” the girl stuttered.
Her mom smiled and leaned in conspiratorially. “You know, I consider myself part of the original Anakin fan club – us fans have got to stick together, hmm?”
Her dad turned back from where he had been signing a Wookie’s hat, smiling dopily. “I love you too, Angel.”
‘Luke, I’ve changed my mind. This is definitely a Level 6 crisis.’
‘I’m gonna be sick.’
Their mom started to gather as much merchandise as she could fit in her bag, soon requisitioning the ‘He’s the Hero of our Dreams’ tote bags to help her carry her load. “Don’t worry, I will pay for all this!” she chirped. The promise of such a massive sale revitalised most of the members still in shock, and the fan club sprang into action bagging up t-shirts, magnets, and water bottles.
Anakin moved to stand by the twins, and Leia felt his hand land on her shoulder as he brushed against her presence in the Force. His gaze was soft as he looked first at them, then at Mom, who was attempting to sort the pricings of the massive number of items she was buying.
“Dad,” Luke said suddenly, “she does know she’s paying, like, way too much money for all that, right?”
“Remember kids, your mother is very good at macroeconomics.”
“But… this isn’t macroeconomics?”
“Unfortunately not, Leia.”