Chapter Text
She had finally heard what happened. The crystal gems had mentioned something about Jasper and an “incident” but didn’t elaborate any further.
When the worst case scenario appeared in her head, Lapis felt a horrible chill run through her. She hadn’t even seen Jasper after all the corrupted gems were healed and wanted more than anything to keep it that way. Even while she lived only on the outskirts of the City, Lapis was lucky enough to never see Jasper in her few visits to Little Homeworld.
So why? Why was Lapis now standing in front of a solitary cave in a barren, gray wasteland.
No no no! There is no way I’m feeling this worried about her now, not after all that’s happened ...
Looking around, there was no sight of Jasper anywhere. Lapis wanted to leave now, before Jasper saw her. Water wings bloomed from her gem but before she could move them to fly she imagined the shattering of a gem and froze up.
She was worried about her. Lapis couldn’t deny it anymore. It made her feel sick to admit it.
“Just… just in and out.” Lapis mutters to herself. “Just look, see she’s fine and leave before anything happens.”
The watery wings lifted her up through the air and she searched the darkness of the cave but found the place empty. “Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. I should just-”
She turned, ready to fly out and flew head-first into what felt like a boulder. Lapis fell onto the ground and looked up to find herself in the shadow of a familiar silhouette with a small bundle of cut logs nestled under one arm. She was cloaked in a hooded cape but Lapis could recognize the hulking figure of Jasper anywhere.
The quartz lifted the ragged hood up and Lapis saw the stern face of a gem from the past. So much was changed, a pair of short horns curved up from her head, one was broken, and a pattern of teal spots were scattered over her body.
“You?” Jasper uttered, eyes narrowed.
Lapis hurried to stand herself back up. Just looking at Jasper again after so long felt like a sore pain. “I-” Her hands turned to fists as she spoke, struggling to make words.
“What? You lost or something?” Jasper huffed.
Lapis felt a twist in her stomach, “No. I was just leaving.” She brushed past her, marching out. “This whole place is just sad to look at.” She waited for the response, ready for an argument to emerge but only silence filled the air. Taking a peak over her shoulder, Lapis saw Jasper looking back at her, stone-faced and silent. “You too.”
“You really came just to insult me and leave, huh?” Jasper sneered.
“What? No, I-” But that's just what she was doing, she realized. “I heard that something happened to you. I wanted to see if it was true, that’s all.”
Jasper turned to face her, like she was surprised to hear any amount of concern from Lapis of all gems. “Heh, is that all? It’s not like you to care all of the sudden.”
Offended, Lapis turned to face the quartz, “I DON’T CARE. Don’t try to twist this.”
“Whatever you say, Lazuli.” Jasper retorted, shrugging off the insinuation.
Lapis was struggling to keep herself composed, like all the bad blood she had kept deep down was rising to surface after so long. With wings of water, her body lifted up and was brought forward, face-to-face with Jasper. “You don’t have any say in how I feel. My life is better off without a power-obsessed brute like you in it.”
“You’d rather that I stayed shattered?”
Lapis gasped, who couldn’t believe that the worst thing she imagined was true. “No that’s not- That can’t be true. I mean, who could’ve shattered YOU.”
Jasper was about to speak but clenched her teeth down. “Nah. Telling you would only upset you both. Go ask my dia- I mean, ugh, ‘STEVEN’ if you’re so curious, HE'S the one that brought me back.”
Jasper walked further into the cave, taking a flint from the ground and sparking a fire in the pile of wood stacked in the center of the floor. Lapis hadn’t even noticed how dark it was getting outside, before the warm glow of the campfire illuminated the cave. In the light, Lapis could see the lines along the cave walls where they were dug out by hand. A few old memories of her terraforming days returned to her as she considered how long it would’ve taken to dig out a cave like this by hand, as sloppy as it looked it was strangely impressive.
“Are you just going to stand there?” Jasper snapped.
Lapis wanted to leave but something was keeping her anchored in place. Hearing that Steven saved Jasper from being shattered wasn’t a surprise, he’d do the same for any gem. She didn’t want to believe it, but it meant that Steven must’ve seen something in Jasper worth saving.
Slowly, Lapis walked over and sat on a rock placed across from Jasper who was hunched near a fire. Jasper said nothing and did her best to keep her eyes averted from the intrusive guest.
After a long time sitting, watching the fire crackle and pop as the wood burned, Lapis finally worked up the nerve to ask the one question on her mind. “What was it like? Being shattered?”
The unexpected question took Jasper back a bit, she grumbled like some bitter embarrassment having to admit it, “Nothing. I was here, then I wasn’t.” Lapis sent her a look, pained and angered. “I don’t need you’re pity. I’ve shattered my share of gems during the war, it’s what I do. I fight until I can’t anymore. That’s my purpose and that’s all I need.”
“I know that better than anyone.” Lapis gripped her arms tightly, she could almost feel the restraints at her hands again. “Every moment with you was just a fight for control. It was horrible and even now you haven’t changed at all, have you?”
“No and why should I?” Jasper refuted, “Just because all those other weakling gems can change so easily, I have to?” Jasper fist slammed into the dirt, sending Lapis up in a defensive stance. “What good would it do me if I can’t have a taste of that power again.”
“Power?” Lapis hugged her arms close, backing away.
Jasper groaned, like she was upset at saying too much. “Whatever.”
“I knew it, you’re still obsessed with being Malachite. You want me trapped with you again.”
Jasper shot up from her seat, planting her feet firm down and standing taller than ever, “I DIDN’T TRAP US.”
Lapis felt a pressure, suffocating. Like the weight of the whole ocean was holding her down again. She was shaking.
Jasper's face twisted with disappointment, frustration, and all sorts of other complicated feelings she didn’t want to deal with. “I don’t know why you’re afraid of me. Afraid of anything! After you told me no, I never came back to you because there’s one thing I respect in this world and that’s strength… and I’ve never met anyone stronger than you.” The soldier pinched her brows and let out a heavy sigh. “So when you said no, I respected that… as best I could.”
Lapis never wanted this perspective, it felt like she was being tricked as she was putting the pieces together. It was unnerving to think that Jasper was making sense to her. “I had to stop you. You would’ve kept trying to hurt them, hurt Steven, hurt ME.”
“You had enough power to beat me, but you didn’t. You had the power to take the entire ocean off this planet if you wanted to. Lie to yourself all you want but don’t give me your excuses as if we didn’t share the same mind for months.”
“Maybe… but No- NO! I’m a different gem now. I’ve stopped running, I’ve stopped hurting others and I’m not afraid anymore.” She looked up at Jasper, towering over her and it dawned on her, “I am… still afraid. I’m still afraid of fusing.”
Jasper looked away, keeping her mouth shut.
Lapis weakly choked, “I see gems everyday, fusing, having fun being together at Little Homeworld. I can’t even look at them without feeling sick about it. I know I shouldn’t but I do. As much as I want to try it again, I can’t. It scares me too much. Even now, I guess I’m still running from something.”
It stayed quiet, only hearing the sound of a crackling flame between them before Lapis finally whispered, “I’m just… not as strong as you think I am.”
Jasper finally broke her silence with an annoyed grumbling, “We’re nothing alike.” Lapis looked up, nervous and surprised to hear her say that. Jasper begrudgingly continued, “I was made to fight, you weren’t. Even if you’re great at it, it’s not a shock that your instinct is to run from conflict. It just makes sense.”
Lapis had regrets lingering in her for so long, for all the times that she ran when she could’ve fought. The last gem she thought she’d hear defend those choices was the only one she fought so long against. The irony was too much for her and Lapis let a snort of laughter escape her for a moment. “Heh. Now who’s making excuses?”
Jasper briefly blushed and turned away to hide her face. A small smile formed at the corner of Lapis' lips at the childish sight.
“You know… all those months together and we still know nothing about each other. Not really.” Lapis stood up again finally, she wandered over to the cave entrance and looked out over the barren gray plain that surrounded the area. “You pulled out all the grass and carved out your own little cave by hand here. Is that really how you like it?”
“Of course. This is how it should look, shouldn’t it? For us.”
“I guess it is the only real home you’ve known. Kindergartens- I mean. My job once was to make planets look just like this. Before living on Earth, I might’ve agreed with you.”
“But now?”
“I garden with Peridot, watching things grow and helping them. It takes more time and a lot of work to do it right but it makes this whole planet look different after that.”
Lapis peeked back and saw Jasper staring at her with wide eyes before the gem shook herself back to normal. “I wouldn’t have the patience for that.” The quartz grunted.
“Hmm, I guess not. If only I could sho-” Lapis felt the shiver of a bad idea enter her mind. Trying to dismiss it, she changed the subject, “Ah, you could see some of it at Little Homeschool sometime. Peridot teaches it to other gems.”
“Imagine ME, sitting through a class? Pass.”
“And you’re happy being alone here every day?”
Jasper strained her face, hiding the answer and keeping shut again. Lapis felt that idea creeping in her mind again. This time it stayed there, lingered until she couldn’t ignore it anymore. Maybe Jasper wasn't the monster lurking in a bad memory like she always pictured. Everything that happened was a terrible mistake, that was a fact. Only now was Lapis realizing how badly it affected both of them, but Lapis had friends to help her grow past it all. Jasper never did.
Lapis built up the confidence and stepped slowly trailed over to where Jasper sat, “Maybe this really is the happiest place for you but you shouldn’t decide that until you’ve at least seen what else this world has to offer. I-” Her hand pulled back for a moment but when the hesitation finally passed, Lapis placed it over Jasper’s, “I WANT to show you. This world but through my eyes.”
Jasper jerked her arm away, “You’re joking.”
“No, I’m not.” Lapis lamented, “I’ve been so scared of this but it might just be the best way to help the both of us. If it is then I should at least try, shouldn’t I?”
“You’re not actually talking about what I think you are? Not-”
“Malachite.” Lapis uttered, plain as day. “Fusion.”
A thud echoed in the cave as Jasper fell off her seat to the ground. “You’re really not joking. I thought you never-”
A blue hand raised in front of Jasper’s face, and silenced her instantly. Lapis explained further, “I know. If you really respect me like you say, then you’ll respect me when I say we’ll only do this one more time and never again. Okay?”
Jasper looked starry eyed, excited and nervous at this proposition. “Of course. Whatever you say I’ll-”
Lapis interrupted, “And that needs to stop too. This fusion. US. We’re never going to work this out if we do it the same as before. For that, you need to be willing to change too. Strength can’t be everything to you while we’re fused. You need to listen to me, ACTUALLY listen to me and as much as I don’t want to, I need to listen to you too. I can’t take control of everything again. Do you understand, Jasper?”
“I…” Jasper's face twisted and her eyes shut tight, “I don’t know if I can… but I think I can try.”
Lapis watched the gem before nervously rub the back of her neck, she wasn’t used to seeing Jasper act this way. “First, some ground rules: NO fighting, NO water and the moment that either of us tries taking over we’ll unfuse.”
Jasper grumbled over it for a moment, “We can’t fly without water.”
“Hmph, alright. water wings should be fine but no more than that! We keep FAR away from the ocean.” Lapis hoped that it would be enough to keep her from overtaking the fusion. “Sound fair?”
“Yeah. Yeah! I think I can do this.” Jasper was sweating.
“We.” Lapis corrected and reached out her hand. “Our first time was a mess and messed up the way we both think about fusion. This time it needs to be better if we want to move on from this.”
Jasper grasped the tiny blue hand, firm. “No fighting. No water. Almost gotta wonder why we’d even fuse if we can’t do half the stuff she’s good at.”
“That’s kind of what we need to figure out.” Lapis pulled Jasper’s hand up, the rest of Jasper’s body followed. They stepped out of the cave, feeling cold night air hit them.
It had been so long since they fused, it was hard to remember just how it goes.
Hand in hand, foot after foot, like trying to stumble into place. Lapis looked up to catch a brief sight of Jasper’s focused face and felt that firm hand guiding her back. A gasp escaped her and the world was spinning, getting hazy, losing yourself and being pulled into a warm light…