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He’s eating an apple when Erwin glimpses him through the rain. It’s glossy red and balanced between his fingers, pale delicate things, and he’s sticking his left thumb into the road. The gesture is lazy, as though he isn’t bothered either way whether anyone stops or not. And he’s drenched from head to toe, his black hair sticking to his cream-white skin.
Erwin is not one for picking up hitchhikers, particularly this far north and on roads so isolated, where the sorts you encounter are not always pleasant. But the boy stirs a kindness in him—no, kindness is not the right emotion. It is more like a protective instinct, like he gets with his girls. Though less tender, he supposes, as he does not know this boy. Maybe it is simply God’s way of directing him to a person in need.
The boy regards Erwin through the rain-pelted window of his truck, his eyes hidden by his damp fringe. Erwin reaches over and unlatches the door for him. “How about you get out of the rain, son? Looks like we’re heading in the same direction.”
The boy swings his backpack off his shoulder and climbs in. He drips all over the seat.
“Miserable weather,” Erwin remarks. “You must’ve been caught in it, poor thing. Now where are you off to?”
The boy sinks his teeth back into his apple, and the juice runs over his dainty white hands. He’s brought the smell of the fruit into Erwin’s truck too, sweet and rich. “However far you’ll take me,” he replies.
“Well I’m headed all the way down to Texas, but that’s a couple of days away still, so we’ll see how far you’re wanting to go, how about that?” Erwin starts up his truck again and pulls back onto the road. His wipers are working double-time to keep up with the downpour on his windshield. “So what’s your name? Mine’s Erwin. Erwin Smith.”
“Levi,” the boy answers, enunciated by another crunch of his apple.
“And how old are you, son?” Erwin asks, surveying him with a subtle side-glance. He is small for an adult, or even a teenager; Erwin imagines he’d barely reach his shoulder if they stood side by side. But there are purple shadows as deep as bruises under his grey eyes, and very little roundness left in his cheeks.
“I’m twenty-one,” he answers.
“I’d not have guessed it,” Erwin says. “You look younger.”
“I’m not.”
“Well of course.”
“How old are you, Mr. Smith?”
Erwin is not used to having his age requested. “Just passed my forty-third birthday last week,” he replies, and he isn’t sure why he finds himself wishing he had a lower number for the boy.
There’s a tremble in the boy’s thin shoulders, and Erwin reaches for the heat, twisting the dial. “Twenty-one is awfully young to be travelling alone. You got a family you’re going home to?”
“No.” Levi takes notice of the photographs on Erwin’s dashboard. “Those yours?”
“My two little girls, yes. Nine and twelve.”
“Wife?”
“Yes, I am a married man.”
“You don’t have a photo of her.”
“Ah, no.” Erwin hasn’t thought about it. “She’s a good woman. A good mother,” he feels the need to clarify.
“She waiting for you at home?”
“Yeah, she’s expecting me Friday. Though I’d say this weather might be a hold up.” The road is as slick as frost, not that they should be getting any this time of year. “It’s lucky I saw you through this rain, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Levi agrees. His apple is thin now, eaten away to the pips. “They get sour the deeper you go. Apples.”
“I don’t eat them much,” Erwin confesses.
“No? They’re the most delicious fruit, if you find the right one.” Levi’s eyes have not left Erwin since he got into his truck.
“So your family,” Erwin clears his throat. “They know you’re out on your own?”
“Don’t have a family.”
The admission is so unemotional, that Erwin is overcome by the urge to mourn the boy, as though to make up for his apathy towards himself. “I am very sorry to hear that, Levi.”
“It’s fine.” Levi is nibbling the last fleshy bits off his apple.
“Well.” Erwin steadies his hands around the wheel, a sense of resolve coming over him. “I know it can be rough when there’s no one looking out for you. I’ll take you as far as you need to go, all right? There’s no sense in leaving you out in this storm, now is there?”
Levi’s expression does not convey gratitude—not that Erwin requires it, he is quite content to offer kindness without exchange. But within Levi’s unrelenting stare is a sense of being peeled. As though he is picking at Erwin’s skin expecting to find fruit beneath it.
Erwin pulls his collar higher without thinking, and reaches for the stereo, but the signal is poor and it only plays broken static. “So where are you from?” he asks, his manners surfacing in response to his unease.
“All over,” Levi answers, still without looking away from Erwin. “Never stick around any place too long.”
“Must be nice,” Erwin says. “Never really left Texas, except for college—had to drop out after a year though when Dad got sick. And now this job’s got me driving interstate for deliveries every week. It’s not so bad. Means I gotta spend some time away from my girls, of course.”
“And your wife,” Levi says, as if Erwin needs reminding.
“Naturally, any man is liable to miss his wife. Not that we aren’t used to being apart. Known each other since high school but we went off to different colleges. Didn’t see each other again until after my dad passed. She was good to me then. Got married pretty soon after and God blessed us with two little girls. ‘Course it’s been tough since her mom passed. The two of them were close. I know what it’s like losing a parent. Even tougher on her with me needing to travel for work and all, but I think she likes her space. And she’s got the girls.”
Erwin stops speaking abruptly as it occurs to him that he has severely overshared. Levi does not look overwhelmed nor bored. He is watching Erwin with the attentiveness of a stranger—curious, but ultimately disinterested. Erwin resolves to keep his thoughts to himself from there, or as many of them as are unimportant. At the very least, it is impolite to burden a stranger with all his life’s happenings, and it is likely Levi is only tolerating it on account of being Erwin’s passenger.
The rain belts on. Erwin watches the road and Levi watches Erwin. It’s just gone three when Erwin decides to stop for gas. “Next town’s about an hour from here,” he says, pulling into the station. “I can drop you off when we get there, or—well I can take you further, if you need.”
“That’s fine, Mr. Smith. I won’t trouble you further.”
“Oh Levi, it’s no trouble, don’t you worry about me.” Erwin hops out of the truck and stretches his stiff legs. The rain has turned the concrete black, and the air is grey enough that you can barely see the highway. They’re the only ones here.
Erwin fills up the tank then reaches for his wallet on the front seat. “I’ll head in and pay. Sure you don’t wanna stretch out your legs before we head off again?”
“That’s fine,” Levi says. He was watching the raindrops run down the window, but his eyes are back on Erwin now. “Been walking most of the day.”
“Ah, that you have. Poor thing. How about I grab you something from the store? You hungry?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“You sure? How about a bag of potato chips? Or something to drink if you’re thirsty.”
“No, Mr. Smith. It’s really fine.”
“Well all right then, I won’t be long.” Erwin crosses the vacant station and dips into the cover of the store. Inside, the rain makes a tinny sound against the roof. While the cashier rings him up, he opens his wallet.
There’s a twenty dollar bill missing. He knows it, because he counted the cash just this morning after the customer tipped him for the delivery. He glances out the foggy window, where Levi is still sitting in the passenger seat. He has stopped watching Erwin, his eyes in his lap.
Anger boils up in Erwin’s gut. His fist curls into a ball and he hands the cashier his card curtly. It is not the missing bill which outrages him; it is only twenty dollars after all. No—he is angry that his generosity has been exploited. He feels stupid and naive. He looks back at Levi, who still has his head bowed, as though he is confessing.
And then, with a twinge of pity, Erwin recalls why he picked Levi up in the first place. And he thinks too, of the way he devoured his apple, right down to the core.
He’s hungry, Erwin realises. And too proud to request food from a stranger. Pride is a sin, but Erwin supposes a boy so lacking as Levi might be left with nothing but his pride. Oh, you dear little thing.
Erwin snatches a bag of fried apple chips from the shelf. “These too, please.”
“Your son?” the cashier asks, nodding at Erwin’s truck.
“Ah, no,” Erwin says, rather embarrassed by the assumption. “Picked the poor thing up along the highway. Getting him someplace safe.”
“Best that you do.” The cashier eyes him, and then the boy, and Erwin senses a suspicion in her. It occurs to him for the first time how a man of his age and a young boy travelling together might appear.
“I most certainly will,” he replies, with an effort to stay polite. “And I would prefer not to have my integrity doubted in such an indecent regard.”
The cashier looks quite startled, and Erwin thanks her brusquely before taking his apple chips and returning to his truck.
“Here, thought you might enjoy these.”
Levi appears surprised at having the chips dropped into his lap. “They’re made of apples?”
“Well I’d wager there’s more sugar in them than fruit, but they’ll fill your belly until we get into town.”
The bag crinkles in Levi’s fist. “You didn’t have to.”
“You needn’t thank me, Levi, I have plenty to give. Now come on, eat up. Town’s a bit of a drive still.”
Erwin basks a little in Levi’s satisfaction. It lights a pleasant little flame in his belly to see Levi tearing through the bag so ravenously, and to think, he is fed because of me.
“Where do you reckon you’ll head off to next?” Erwin asks as they begin to lose the daylight. The rain has not let up. “Probably best that you find somewhere to rest for the night. ‘Specially with this weather as it is.”
“I hadn’t thought about it,” Levi says. He’s licking the sugar off his fingers. His tongue leaves them shiny. “Figured I’d just hitch a ride with someone else.”
“Oh.” Erwin’s truck tears through the sheets of rain, and his GPS alerts him that he’s over the speed limit. “You sure about that? Not such a nice place to be hitching with strangers at night.” He thinks uneasily of the sorts of drivers who’d like to pick up a young, soft-faced boy like Levi.
“I’ll be fine.” Levi is tearing strips off the chip bag. “Do it all the time.”
“Well if you’re still heading south, I’ll be crossing into Kansas tomorrow. If you don’t mind waiting the night, that is. I’ll be moving on in the morning.”
“That’s fine, Mr. Smith. You’ve done plenty for me.”
Erwin wonders if Levi is embarrassed that he took the twenty. He has not met Erwin’s eye since they left the gas station.
“I promise you it’s no trouble. When was the last time you slept in a bed, son?”
Erwin does not mean for it to be condescending, but he knows there must be some pity in his tone, because Levi’s fists are curled up in his lap.
“It’ll be miserable trying to hitch a ride out in this weather,” Erwin tries to reframe his offer. “I’d sleep better knowing you were somewhere warm, all right? Don’t worry yourself, you’re doing me no trouble. I’ll be staying at a motel so I’m glad to get you a room.”
Levi looks up, and fixes Erwin with a stare that makes him consider the implications of his suggestion. A married man buying a bed for a young boy. He almost backtracks and rescinds the offer—but would doing so not be a confession to the intention of nefarious deeds? Perhaps acknowledging the hidden implications of a man paying for another man’s bed would only discomfort Levi.
He thinks of his wife, and his faith, and banishes the mental dalliance.
“I’m happy to do it, Levi,” he says. “Any good Christian man should be pleased to offer kindness to a stranger.”
“All right, Mr. Smith.” The corner of Levi’s mouth ticks, and it’s so close to a smile that Erwin feels pleased with himself. “Thank you.”
Erwin requests two singles, but he has Levi wait in the truck, parked around the corner. There’s no good in stirring more unfounded suspicions. He tells the receptionist he’s travelling with his son, and the lie makes him feel unclean.
It is an innocent untruth, he tells himself. To avoid uncomfortable prying, as he endured at the gas station.
Erwin draws the curtains once they are inside, and chooses the bed closest to the window, just to be cautious.
Levi doesn’t have much, Erwin notes with sympathy. He unpacks his meagre possessions—a change of clothes, a toothbrush, and a bar of soap. He looks up at Erwin, who refrains from staring. He does not want Levi to think he pities him.
“Is it okay if I shower, Mr. Smith?” he asks. He has hung his damp jacket over the armchair, but his clothes are still clinging to his paper-thin skin.
“That’s a good idea. Why don’t you warm up in the shower while I find us some dinner? Do you like burgers? I saw a place on the way here.”
“Yeah I like them.”
“All right, I won’t be long. Keep the curtains drawn while I’m out, please. And don’t answer the door. All sorts of people wandering around these places.”
Erwin orders extra fries, and a slice of apple pie for dessert. He’s gone about twenty minutes, and Levi is still in the shower when he gets back. Sinking onto the stiff-springed bed, he eats his burger and turns on the rusty TV. There are four channels to flick through, and the sound of the groaning pipes of the shower offers more entertainment. Outside, the rain has slowed to a drizzle. It’s strange, he considers, having so much rain in these parts, especially this time of year.
The smell of apples spills from the bathroom when Levi emerges, letting steam into their small chambers. “Mr. Smith, I didn’t realise you’d be back so quickly.”
Erwin glances up from the TV and finds that the boy is half bare, just a towel wrapped around his narrow waist. His damp black hair drips down his bare shoulders. He rucks up his towel as he rushes to dig his clothes back out of his rucksack. The towel slips and he clutches at it.
Erwin’s awareness catches up to his impolite gaping, and he averts his gaze. “It’s not a problem, Levi,” he says apologetically. “Please don’t mind me.”
He fixes his eyes astutely upon the dull cast of the sitcom, and listens to the sound of Levi’s towel dropping to the carpet as he changes. Erwin sinks his teeth into his burger, and wonders if it was pressed against the pie in the bag, because it leaves apples on his tongue. He watches very carefully as the man on the television screen kisses his wife—or, no. That is his neighbour’s wife. Goodness, what an awful program.
In his periphery, Levi’s skin is soft and as pale as moonlight.
Levi returns to the bathroom, and Erwin’s eyes track him across the room. He is dressed, though his delicate feet are bare, slapping gently against the tiles. And Erwin is struck immediately with a horrific revulsion at himself—for expecting that Levi might still be nude, and looking anyway.
It is only a curiosity, he reminds himself, but he does not think Levi would be comforted by it, despite its innocence. He seemed quite flustered when he emerged from the bathroom, and understandably so. It is not the place of a man to find himself privy to another man’s naked body, especially not one so young.
Levi sits on his own bed and wolfs down his burger. Erwin claims he is full and gives Levi the fries too, despite not having had any himself. “And apple pie for dessert,” he remarks, beaming with pleasure as Levi licks the salt from his fingers. “If you’re still hungry, I can go out and get some more.”
Levi, the poor boy, appears to consider it, before retreating with his pride. “That’s fine. Thank you for the pie, Mr. Smith.”
What a dear thing. He is famished. Erwin recalls, and only because it is necessary as Levi’s present caretaker, that his skin was quite tight around his ribs and hipbones. Perhaps Levi’s unintentional nudity was God’s way of bringing Erwin’s awareness to the poor boy’s malnutrition. It feels petty that Erwin fretted over a lost twenty dollar bill just this afternoon; it was likely Levi’s desperate way to guarantee his next meal.
“Levi, do you really not have any parents who might be missing you?” Erwin ventures, hoping not to disrupt the cordiality between them.
Levi shakes his head. “No. No family. None living.”
Melancholic affection leaks into Erwin’s heart. “Does no one take care of you?”
Levi has abandoned his plastic fork and begun eating his apple pie with his hands. It is the messy sort of behaviour that would earn Erwin’s girls a scolding, but on Levi, it is somewhat endearing.
“I take care of myself,” Levi says.
“That is admirable,” Erwin says kindly, and Levi gives him a strange look.
After Levi has finished eating, Erwin cleans up their containers, then showers and brushes his teeth. He says his prayers and thinks resolutely of his wife and his little girls before he gets into bed. He hears the rustle of sheets as Levi returns to his own bed.
The rain has softened to a gentle pitter that lulls Erwin into a doze, though not quite deep enough that he can’t hear Levi shifting restlessly beneath his covers. He gets up a few times, and Erwin spies him creeping out of bed to wrap himself in an extra layer.
“Are you cold, Levi?” he murmurs into the tranquil room.
“Only a little. It’s fine. Sorry for disturbing you, Mr. Smith.”
“You’ve done no such thing. Why don’t you hold on a moment?” Climbing out of bed and slipping into his boots, Erwin hurries out to the truck to get one of his extra blankets off the backseat. His pyjamas get a little rainwater on them, but it’s nothing he can’t brush off his shoulders.
“Is that better?” he asks, tucking the blanket under Levi’s duvet so that it’s wrapped around his narrow little body.
“Thank you, Mr. Smith,” Levi says in a hushed tone. The scant light which creeps through the motel curtains only shows Erwin the sharp profile of his face.
“No thanks needed, Levi. Rest well.”
From there, Levi stops stirring, and Erwin drifts off quickly.
There is no telling what time it is when Erwin is woken again, but through the gap in the curtains, the sky is still black. And it is not the beam of headlights, nor rainfall, nor creaking of the pipes that wakes him.
It is the sensation of his covers being pulled back off his shoulders as Levi climbs into the bed with him.
It occurs to Erwin that he is likely dreaming—or having a nightmare, more fittingly—and so he presses his eyes wide and attempts to urge himself into waking.
Nothing comes of it, and he remains in his narrow motel bed with a boy of twenty-one tucked against his front. Erwin even smells the apples in his hair, as though he has bathed in their juice.
He waits a moment longer. This is no doing of his own—he did not force Levi to climb into his bed, and had he not woken up, would not even be wise to it. Perhaps it is best that he remain here and not acknowledge it until a reasonable explanation for Levi’s behaviour makes itself known. He needn’t be complicit in this indecency.
But idleness in itself is complicity, and Erwin finds himself unable to keep silent. “Levi,” he murmurs, shaking the boy by the shoulder, though careful to maintain physical distance between their bodies. “Levi, please, do not go to sleep. This isn’t appropriate.”
There is a ripple of tension through the boy’s body—and oh, it is wrong. Erwin should not be aware of that. “Mr. Smith, I—I hadn’t meant to disturb you.”
He speaks in a timid voice, and it preys upon Erwin’s instinct to mollify and comfort.
But he cannot—God does not condone this. To lie with another man— “Levi, it is not appropriate,” Erwin repeats, attempting to distance himself from Levi, with little success, as he is near enough to tumble out of bed. “Two men cannot be in bed together.”
“I’m only cold,” Levi whispers. “I don’t mean anything vulgar by it.”
Oh, he is such a sweet, naive thing. “I am not accusing you of anything, Levi. It is only about what people may think—”
“But people don’t know, Mr. Smith. It’s only you and me.”
And God. He sees all and He will certainly Judge Erwin for this deviance.
“I’m not used to being alone,” Levi goes on in a soft, sweet voice. He sniffs. Oh the dear thing. Is he crying? “There’s always been someone, until recently. I ain’t used to it, sleeping alone. I know I’m burdening you, Mr. Smith. I didn’t think you’d wake up. I’d hoped I’d just stay long enough to get warm and then leave you be, but I—”
His breath hitches, and it strikes a sympathetic nerve in Erwin’s chest which makes his resolve waver. Oh, the poor boy is hardly wearing a thing either, only a vest and sweatpants. It’s no wonder he is shivering so terribly.
Erwin feels ashamed that, once again, he has forgotten the privileges the Lord has blessed him with—money enough to afford warm clothes, and food to put meat on his bones, and a lovely wife to share his bed with.
He cradles Levi and feels him shaking with sobs. “Ah, there you are, son. It’s all right.”
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, Mr. Smith. I used to share like this with my mom, is all, so I didn’t see the indecency in it.”
Shame wells up in Erwin’s throat. It is truly the Devil in him, seeing something foul and sinister in a gesture so innocent. How wretched of him to distort Levi’s intentions because of the demons haunting his own thoughts and impulses.
“It’s all right, Levi,” he says, inching nearer, so that Levi might not make the mistake of assuming Erwin is repelled by him. He puts his arm across Levi’s chest to ensure his good intentions are apparent. “You’d best stay here then, if it’s what you prefer. It would be poor of me to let you go cold, now wouldn’t it?”
Levi curls himself up and clings to Erwin’s arm as though he is a drowning man grasping at a piece of driftwood. “Thank you, Mr. Smith,” he whispers, his soft voice almost swallowed by the fresh torrent of rain against the window.
“It’s just best,” Erwin says quietly, “that we not mention this to anyone, see? They wouldn’t understand.”
Erwin awakens to roaring rain, and a problem he has not had in years. Levi’s small body is still encased in his arms, and within his pyjama bottoms, Erwin is erect.
It’s—it’s a truly damnable thing. A betrayal of the body. There is nothing in Erwin’s conscious mind which would permit such a vulgar reaction. This has not occurred since before his marriage; he does not allow himself to succumb to such base desires. It is unholy.
Erwin and his wife rarely couple. Their two little girls are enough for them, and Erwin has the self discipline and love for God that he does not find it difficult to restrain his manly urges.
This is completely bewildering. He feels ill.
He tries earnestly not to disturb Levi as he begins to move, as the good Lord knows he has brought himself enough shame already. The poor boy would have such a vile impression of Erwin if he woke up to this perversion, and Erwin can only imagine how deeply it would upset him.
He attempts to detach himself from Levi, but the boy has twisted around in his sleep and burrowed himself into Erwin. His thin little fingers are latched into Erwin’s back like hooks, and it brings Erwin an unexpected bloom of affection.
In sleep, the boy’s features are even gentler, his frown lines smoothed away and his lips parted in exhaustion. He is almost feminine—not that a boy his age ought to be thought of as feminine by a man Erwin’s age. It is the Devil creeping back into his thoughts, he realises. As though Erwin might be tricked into indecency by a man who appears womanly.
Desperately, he pictures his wife’s face, and God, and his love for Him. And he thinks of this poor, vulnerable boy who has put his trust in him.
It is the way of the Devil, to appear to men of faith in his most beautiful form, so that he might tempt them towards corruption. Erwin does not think Levi himself is Lucifer; to assume so would be a cruel projection of Erwin’s own culpability. But perhaps the Devil has put him in Erwin’s path to seduce him to his own damnation.
In his sleep, Levi sinks his fingers deeper into Erwin’s flesh. There is a stirring in Erwin’s gut, and he imagines with sharp clarity how it might feel to succumb to his urges.
The thought descends upon him like a black cloud and he quells it with disgust. He thinks of his wife, of his girls, of his faith. He thinks of them desperately as he slips carefully from Levi’s grip.
And maybe it is the Devil’s spiteful reaction to Erwin’s triumph over his temptations, because the moment Erwin has pulled free, Levi wakes up.
“Levi.” Erwin turns his back hastily so that the front of his pants is hidden from Levi. “I’m sorry, I hadn’t meant to wake you.”
The sheets rustle with movement, and Erwin holds his breath. Levi just hums, and the springs creak as he sinks back into bed, half-asleep. Erwin holds onto his relief and creeps across the room, finding his lighter in his coat pocket and locking himself in the bathroom.
Fire is cleansing. It purges evil, just the same as water, its counterpart. Erwin undresses, removes his wedding band, and stands beneath the shower nozzle, twisting it to its coldest setting and letting it spray his back. With trembling fingers, he flicks on his lighter and holds it outside of the spray. The flame is warm, pure. He makes a fist and brings it to the fire, swallowing his resistance and accepting his penance.
Erwin considers, as he packs his bag and tidies the room, whether it might be best to tell Levi it is time to part ways. It would certainly make it easier for Erwin to smother his temptations.
But what a cruel thing it would be, to allow his own dark proclivities to impact the well-being of this boy after assuring him he would have a safe means of travel. Where would he go if Erwin were to abandon him in this dreary town? What if he were to encounter a man whose intentions were not as honest as Erwin’s are?
And would abandoning Levi not be a confession in itself? An admission of his own lack of restraint—that he is so beyond salvation that he cannot put his love for God above the wicked instincts planted in him by the Devil.
Erwin has endured his penance. His transgression was a mistake which will not occur again. His faith is stronger than the Devil’s grasp, and so he wakes Levi and invites him back into his truck.
They continue south, pausing to pick up breakfast and eating on the road. “Awful weather we’re having,” Erwin comments, flicking his wipers back up to the maximum setting. “The rain is just unforgiving, isn’t it?”
“I don’t mind it.”
“Well I admire you for that, personally I find it unbearable. How is your breakfast?”
Levi has already polished off his muffin and hash browns. “The apple juice is nice.”
“Ah, well of course. Quite fond of apples, aren’t you?”
“Did you sleep well, Mr. Smith?”
The question stops Erwin’s heart, briefly. He nods with too much enthusiasm for such an ordinary question. “Yes, well enough.”
They drive through the morning, and Erwin has to take a detour when his GPS alerts him of a flooding on the road ahead. “A flooding!” he says, exasperated. “I’ll be damned—what a thing. And so late in the year too.”
Levi is not bothered, or he gives no indication of it. He dozes a little, and Erwin occupies his attention with the thick blanket of fog around the car instead of the boy’s sleeping face.
While Levi rests, Erwin pulls in at a diner and orders two sandwiches. “One for later?” the cashier teases him.
“Well they do look mighty delicious,” Erwin replies with a wink.
Levi is awake when Erwin returns, and he looks troubled by the sandwich Erwin deposits in his lap. He picks at it, rather than devouring it as Erwin has seen him do thus far, but Erwin does not think much on his mood until they hit the highway again and he says, “Mr. Smith, you’ve done a lot for me…”
“Oh Levi.” Erwin waves him off. “You know I’ve said it over and over—it’s really no bother.”
“I had only wondered if I might repay you in some way,” Levi says quietly. He has gone back to staring, as he did yesterday. Erwin does not find it particularly comforting, being fixed so pointedly by those sharp grey eyes.
“Really Levi, kindness is its own reward. Giving is the way of my faith, and you’ve caused me no burden, so I won’t have you asking about payment.”
And then, in a gesture which is purely instinctive, he reaches across the gearstick. His fingers only brush the denim of Levi’s jeans before he realises the inappropriateness of the action and withdraws with a snap of the wrist. His faux pas is worsened by the fact that Levi has him pinned with that look again, as though he is peeling fruit.
Sweet boy that he is, he does not call attention to Erwin’s mishap, and instead smiles. “Thank you, Mr. Smith. I’m very lucky to have run into you.” He stretches his arm out and squeezes Erwin’s shoulder.
The touch of his light fingers leaves an impression against Erwin’s skin, and rekindles that burning in his gut. It is pleasant enough that it is difficult to reject. It is an affection born of well-intentioned fondness, and nothing else.
Levi falls asleep again, with his head against the rain-beaten window. As Erwin’s truck pushes through the fog and over the rough, weather-worn road, his head rolls towards Erwin.
Erwin finds himself once again enraptured by Levi’s face, and the fine qualities of it. His interest is not the sort that is invoked by rotten urges; it is a fascination any man might have for a work of art. Levi is, simply put, pleasing to look at. Any man or woman, young or old, would think so. There is nothing deviant in it; it is purely a respect for one of God’s beautiful creations.
Erwin reaches over to push Levi’s hair off his face, and when his hand sinks, it settles on Levi’s knee. And that is where it stays, as Erwin drives. It sparks that burning in his belly, with the chilling undercurrent of deviance. The sickening thought of being found out.
But the rain is a blanket around them, the roads all but empty, and his wife hundreds of miles away. Only God can Judge him for this small, harmless sin. And Erwin’s penance has been paid—the seared pink flesh of his bare ring finger sits there against the boy’s leg, as a reminder.
When Levi’s chest heaves, Erwin snatches his hand away. He watches surreptitiously as Levi’s eyes flutter open, then turn towards Erwin. Erwin fixes his gaze ahead, as though the grey, fog-drowned road might compare to a work of art as enthralling as Levi. He feels Levi’s stare so heavily on his skin, it leaves behind prickles. It is as though his sin has developed claws and has begun raking the flesh off his back.
They continue in silence, and Erwin gradually relaxes his grip on the steering wheel, reassured that Levi did not discover his dalliance. When they near the border to Oklahoma, the roads become slick with mud, and the rain so heavy that Erwin has to concede to pulling over while they wait for the downpour to slow.
“Would be an awful thing if I endangered your life over a couple extra hours of time,” he says to Levi, letting the engine rumble to a stop once they’ve parked beneath an outcropping of trees. Out the window, the rain is diving viciously into the potholes and puddles along the beaten road.
“We’ll keep going in a bit,” Erwin assures Levi. “Better that we wait until it’s a little clearer.”
Levi only nods, unbothered.
The rain beats against the roof of the truck and neither of them speak. Erwin watches the trees over their heads sag beneath the weight of the water, and Levi keeps watching Erwin in his own uncanny way.
Erwin grips the steering wheel and finds himself lost for conversation. He wonders whether he might attempt to fill the time with more small talk, as he has done thus far, or whether it would be better to allow the silence to continue to prove he is not discomforted by it. He glances up and catches Levi’s eye accidentally, and he knows his reflexive smile is too startled to have come across pleasantly.
When Levi speaks, it gives Erwin such a fright, he flinches. “Mr. Smith—” He hesitates and seems to compose himself, taking a deep breath. “I want you to know how grateful I am. You’ve gone to such tremendous lengths—”
“Oh Levi, we’ve spoken about this,” Erwin interrupts. “You really needn’t thank me. I’m doing what any decent Christian would.”
Levi nods firmly, to show he has understood, but means to press on. “Yes. But I’d still like to show you my gratitude. I’d like to—” He swallows again, nervous. “I’d like to repay your kindness, if I can.”
“Levi, I have already said—”
The click of Levi’s seatbelt freezes Erwin’s words in his mouth. Levi kneels on the seat, and after pausing to gauge Erwin’s expression (and appearing to deem it satisfactory), he reaches across the gearstick and grips Erwin’s inner thigh.
A tension seizes Erwin’s body, and his throat goes dry. “Le—Levi. What are you doing?”
Levi’s small fingers are cold, and they feel sharp, as though every nerve in Erwin’s body has rushed to the point of contact so that he might feel the touch more keenly.
“Levi—” His breathing is shallow and he is having trouble speaking, much less bringing movement to his muscles. He must be misunderstanding the gesture. There is another purpose behind it—
Levi begins massaging his inner thigh, making circles with his thumb. “It’s okay, Mr. Smith, I really don’t mind. I can make it feel nice.”
Erwin’s mouth falls open. He means to say something, but he stammers and only breath comes out. There is no part of his body willing to obey his thoughts—it will not move, not even to stop the caress of Levi’s hand. It is as though the Devil has possessed him, and means to make him comply.
And it must be the Devil’s work, because his thoughts have darkened with sin, enlivening his body with vile enthusiasm. “Levi,” he breathes, twitching under Levi’s delicate fingers. “I really think that—that—”
“This is what you want, isn’t it, Mr. Smith?” Levi is watching the path of his own fingers in Erwin’s lap. “I felt your hand on me while I was sleeping.”
“You felt—?” There is a plummeting sensation in Erwin’s belly. “Oh, Levi. I am so sorry, I never meant—”
“I felt it this morning too,” Levi rushes to cut him off, his eyes jumping to Erwin’s face. “I felt your—your interest, Mr. Smith.”
“Oh…” Erwin buries his face in his palm, so disgusted with himself. He is past begging for Levi’s forgiveness. The transgression is too foul—and oh, the shame might bury him.
“Mr. Smith, it’s okay. I know you’ve been hiding it, but it’s only me and you here, and I won’t judge you.”
Levi’s thumb grazes across Erwin’s crotch and the wonderful fire in Erwin’s gut roars to life. He grunts from his throat, as though he is a beast. Maybe that is how God made him—a creature, not a man. Because Erwin does not deserve to exist in His image, when he is perverting it so viciously.
“You can relax, Mr. Smith,” Levi says, leaning across the seat to unzip Erwin’s jeans. The smell of apples floods Erwin’s nose, sweet and tempting. He rocks his head back against the headrest and stares at the rain thundering against the windscreen.
“You’re reacting to me,” Levi sighs, getting his hand inside Erwin’s underwear. “You’re hard. I promise I’ll make it feel good.”
Erwin thinks of the Great Flood, sent to cleanse humanity, to punish them for their sins. He watches the rain form rivulets down the windscreen, washing dirt down channels in the grass, drowning the flowers not tall enough to ascend beyond the current. Perhaps God has sent this rain as a chastisement for Erwin’s deviance. Maybe the truck will be pulled from the road and hurled into the deluge.
He hears Levi spit into his palm, and feels the slick warmth of it around his cock. He has no possession of his body; it surely belongs to Satan now. He thinks, if his cock were not to respond to Levi’s touch, it might absolve Erwin of his sin. His reluctance to participate might prove to God that Erwin is in fact a righteous man, and that Levi—dear, naive Levi—has poorly misread the situation.
But his flesh hardens under Levi’s deft fingers, quicker than he has in years, as though his traitorous body has merely been waiting for Levi’s hands to rest intimately upon him.
Erwin pulls his eyes away from the rain to watch Levi’s hand on him. His cock is red and flushed, and Levi’s fingers small by comparison. They slide tenderly over Erwin’s thick erection, slick as Erwin begins to leak.
Levi is looking too. Watching as Erwin’s cock slips in and out of the tight cage of his hand. His cheeks are flushed and his lips parted, as though he might be taking joy in it.
Witnessing Levi’s angelic face caught in an expression of such depravity flares Erwin’s guilt. He looks back at his cock, fixates upon it, upon the wet, engorged flesh twitching inside Levi’s nimble fingers. The windscreen has fogged up. Erwin is sighing from his mouth, gripping the edges of his seat with his nails. His burnt knuckles throb.
Overwhelmed by the perverse image of his own corruption, Erwin shuts his eyes and waits for himself to reach climax. It only takes a few minutes, during which the truck is filled with the slick sounds of Levi’s hand on him and the pounding rain against the roof.
Levi catches Erwin’s seed in a tissue while Erwin tips his head back and smothers his gasping with his palm. He keeps his eyes shut, dreading the thoughts which may accumulate once his orgasmic bliss runs out.
Or dreading, rather, that the Devil’s occupation of his body may linger, even once Levi’s hands leave him.
The rain ceases after another hour of terribly uncomfortable silence. While Levi rinses his hand and produces another fresh, red apple from his rucksack, Erwin clasps his hands together and bows against the steering wheel to pray to God for forgiveness. To apologise to his wife, and to his darling little girls, and even to Levi, for misleading him so repugnantly.
As he drives, a pressure grows at his temples which rapidly expands to pain. And Erwin thanks God for the pain, though it is a punishment far too mild to befit his sin. Or maybe it is not his penance, but rather the Devil being banished from his mind.
“Are you all right, Mr. Smith?” Levi asks, breaking their bout of quiet for the first time since he rested his hands upon Erwin.
“Yes, Levi,” Erwin answers abruptly. He finds his manners lacking in light of his unease. “It’s only a headache. It will pass.”
Levi folds his hands up in his lap, and Erwin angrily rejects the memory of their grasp on his flesh when the Devil attempts to conjure it.
He may have to part with Levi at their next stop. It plants another seed of guilt in the sprawling orchard he’s growing, but he cannot allow another transgression like that to occur.
They stop at a gas station, and while Erwin fills up, Levi asks if he can go inside to buy something to eat. “Of course,” Erwin permits. “Take some money from my wallet. It’s on the seat.” It is the least he can offer; and if the boy robs him, let it be another facet of his atonement.
While he waits for Levi, he rests his head against the steering wheel and says another prayer, pleading to God for forgiveness. He fumbles his lighter out of his pocket, and sinks his teeth into his lip to keep from screaming as he scorches the flesh across his knuckles. He wipes away the tears that bubble at the corners of his eyes—he does not deserve to shed them.
Levi returns with a bag in his fist. His eyes dart left and right as he crosses the station parking lot, scurrying out of the rain. Erwin braces his aching hand on the steering wheel when Levi opens the passenger door, dismissal ready on his tongue.
“I got you something, Mr. Smith,” Levi says, reaching into the plastic bag. “For your head, see? Just some tablets.”
“Oh.” Erwin takes the box. “Thank you, Levi. That wasn’t necessary.”
“Don’t worry—I didn’t pay for it.”
Erwin snaps around to gape at him. “You didn’t pay? Do you mean to say—tell me you didn’t steal, Levi.”
The expression freezes across Levi’s face, and he goes pale. “I only wanted to do something for you, Mr. Smith. And I didn’t want to use your money—”
“It’s wrong to steal, Levi!” Erwin scolds as loud as he dares without drawing eyes to the truck. “I cannot, in good conscience, keep this.”
Levi appears upset, his bottom lip quivering. “I only wanted to do something decent for you, since I’ve got no money to pay you back. And—” Levi’s eyes scrunch closed, and when he opens them, they’re glistening. “You didn’t seem to like that thing I did for you out on the road, Mr. Smith.”
Erwin hushes him quickly, and looks around the gas station to make sure they are not being listened in on. “Son, I—” He has no sincere words of comfort to offer the poor boy. Levi has begun sniffing, using his sleeve to wipe his eyes.
“I’m not angry with you,” Erwin says gently, using the same tone he does to comfort his girls after scolding them too harshly. “I’m sorry for raising my voice. I know it’s hard living without anyone who looks after you. My Church works with troubled youths like yourself from time to time; stealing can make you feel safe, when it’s been your way of life for so long. When you haven’t had God in your life to guide you. But that doesn’t negate the wrongs of it.”
He picks his wallet up off the dashboard and gets out a fifty. “You’re a good kid, Levi, but I think it’d be best if we parted ways now. Maybe you could get yourself a bus to the nearest town. They leave from here twice a day.” He glances to the bus stop, where the rain has rusted holes in the roof.
Levi stares at the fifty in his palm, his eyebrows pinching. “You… want to leave me here?”
“Oh son, it’s nothing like that, you’ve done nothing wrong. I only think it would be best—”
“I thought you’d like it,” Levi blubbers, rubbing at his eyes. “That thing I did for you—I didn’t mean for it to make you uncomfortable. I wanted it to be good for you.”
Erwin shrinks into himself, feeling such a coward for dismissing Levi here, as though Levi is the one at fault. “You’re a sweet boy, Levi,” he says. “Please don’t feel guilty for a wrongdoing that was mine. I gave you a terrible impression of myself—I’m not a homosexual. I had no intention of entertaining something so vulgar. It was awful of me to put you in a position where you felt you owed me payment—especially of that sort. I’d ask for your forgiveness, but I certainly don’t deserve it.”
Levi runs his thumb across the fifty dollar bill in his hand, wearing a look of dejection which stings Erwin so deeply. Placing the note on the dashboard, Levi swings his rucksack over his shoulder and slips out of the truck.
“Levi, will you at least take the money?” Erwin pleads. “Get yourself a bus or something, it’ll take you to the next town where you’ll be a little safer. I can’t stand the thought of abandoning you out here with nothing.”
“You’ve done me enough favours, Mr. Smith, please allow me to leave with my dignity.”
Erwin retreats and slumps back into his seat. “I’m sorry, Levi.”
“Don’t be, I’ll be all right.” Levi glances across the parking lot, to where the other delivery trucks are congregated. “I’m sure there’s someone else willing to let me hitch with them. You’ve gone out of your way as it is.”
Erwin follows Levi’s eyes across the station, and feels distressed by the suggestion. He runs into other drivers on these routes from time to time. Some of them are familiar, and there is not one of them he’d trust with a boy like Levi.
But how could Erwin possibly withdraw his decision now, when Levi is already halfway across the parking lot, and so quickly after Erwin dismissed him? Levi is no longer his concern, he assures himself as he climbs out of his truck to pay for his gas. He is twenty-one and plenty independent, despite his naivety.
And yet, despite his attempts at reassuring himself, Erwin’s gaze is still drawn to the other truckers when he emerges from the store. He searches the parking lot for Levi and spots him talking to the driver of one of the Reeves Company trucks.
Erwin stops abruptly, his boots kicking rainwater across the gravel. Flegel is the son of the company’s owner, and he’s sucking on a cigarette as he eyes Levi up and down. He puffs smoke into the cold air before nodding at the passenger seat. Disgust, vicious as acid, curls up Erwin’s throat as Flegel pats Levi on the shoulder.
Erwin waits for Flegel to dip into the station before he approaches the truck. With a venomous kick in his stomach, he pulls open the passenger door. “Levi, come with me. I’ll take you to the next town.”
Startled by Erwin’s intrusion, Levi drops his apple into his lap. Erwin doesn’t know where he keeps finding them. Maybe he has a stash in his rucksack. “That’s fine, Mr. Smith. Mr. Reeves offered to take me on.”
Erwin peers into the truck. The stench of cigarette smoke has infused itself into the seats, and there are crushed beer cans and old food wrappers littered about the floor. “You don’t want to be travelling with a man like him, Levi. Come.”
“Mr. Smith, it’s really okay—”
“Levi, get out of his truck and come with me,” Erwin orders, reaching across Levi’s lap to unfasten his seatbelt. “Come, I’ll buy you more apples. I’ll get you a nicer motel and you can wash. Come. Let’s go now.”
With a stunned look about him, Levi climbs mutely from the truck and follows Erwin back across the station. Erwin rests his palm against Levi’s back, hurrying him along as he sees Reeves emerging from the store. Satisfaction coils in his belly when Reeves glances at his empty passenger seat in confusion.
“There, isn’t that better?” Erwin sighs when Levi sits down, safely back in Erwin’s truck.
“It smells nicer in here,” Levi acknowledges.
“Yes, you’d have had a miserable time with that man. I’m heading south, into Texas, remember? That still all right with you?”
“Yeah.” Levi turns his face to the window, and Erwin sees it reflected in the rain-streaked glass, a pale spectre. “Could I sleep a bit, Mr. Smith? I’m tired.”
“Yes of course, son. You don’t need my permission for that.” Erwin allows a smile to pull at his cheeks, knowing what a good deed he has done, rescuing Levi from a man like Flegel Reeves. God might forgive his earlier transgression, knowing he has put some good back in the world by keeping a boy like Levi safe from ill-meaning strangers.
Levi’s head rolls to the side, his neck exposed to Erwin while his breath accumulates condensation on the window. Erwin reaches across the seat to push his dark hair from his face, in case it is discomforting him. His hand comes back down to rest on Levi’s knee. He has brought Levi this far safely; there is no sin in taking satisfaction in his responsibility. He leaves it there until Levi wakes up.
There is little debate over whether Levi will be staying with Erwin tonight. Erwin pays for a room with two doubles, and there is no discussion of the appropriateness of it.
“What would you like for dinner, Levi?” Erwin asks as he unpacks. Though it is early to be eating, he is quietly eager for bed. He was too unsettled by the unfamiliarity of last night to properly indulge in it.
“Anything, Mr. Smith. Whatever you choose.”
“Oh, you’re such a polite boy, Levi. Well, there isn’t much choice in this little town. But you are quite fond of apples, aren’t you? I’ll look for more pie, and maybe some vegetables to make up for the burgers we ate last night.”
While he’s out, Erwin makes a stop at the convenience store and picks up a nice bottle of apple shampoo for Levi, a lot like the soap he saw him using last night. He is pleased to see Levi unwrapping it before he goes in for his shower. He emerges with the scent all over him, and Erwin pauses to smell his hair when they pass each other; it is a fair indulgence, since the shampoo was his gift. He invites Levi to sit on the bed with him while they eat their dinner of vegetable curry, so that he might smell his hair properly.
“Are you cold, Levi?” he asks when it’s time for bed.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” Erwin regards him with a meaningful tilt of his head as he smooths the covers over him. “Last night you were freezing.”
Levi only shakes his head, and Erwin wonders if his subtleties were lost on the boy. Regardless, he accepts his answer and switches off the light.
Rain-blurred headlights pass their window, which quivers in the downpour. Erwin listens to the gutters rattle, and watches water plummet from the eaves in rivers. But mostly, he watches Levi.
His face is turned towards Erwin, and it is ghostly in their dim room. Whenever a car drives by, the shadows pass over his features before moving on, as though they will not dare linger on a face so angelic. Erwin watches the rhythm of Levi’s chest, and the ripples his breath makes against the pillowcase.
He rises from his bed, and picks up his lighter. He will perform his penance now, preemptively; let no one say he has not atoned for his sins.
He washes his blistered knuckles before climbing into bed with Levi, as the smell of burnt flesh is acrid and unpleasant. During those first few breaths they share the bed for, Erwin is terrified of moving. He occupies a lot more space than Levi, and the bed sags beneath his weight. He listens to Levi’s breathing, and ensures it has not faltered.
Once he feels reassured, Erwin inches closer, so that he is conscious of Levi’s heat, and the soothing sounds his body makes.
The rain bears its weight into the windows as though it is trying to smash them.
Erwin rests his nose against the back of Levi’s head, and inhales the pure scent of apples. He smells them at the crease of Levi’s neck too, and the light musk of his sweat. He listens once more to make sure Levi has not woken, then, with careful delicacy, he slips his hands beneath Levi’s shirt.
His skin is not as smooth as Erwin was expecting. There are ridges and areas where the flesh is raised in scar tissue. But he is warm, still, and Erwin enjoys the bits of him that are firm; his stomach, his arms, his chest. Then he begins to find the softer bits, and finds he likes them even more. With his own shirt between his teeth, Erwin reaches into Levi’s sweatpants.
The tender weight of Levi’s ass in his palms makes heat pool in his groin. He is conscious of his arousal, pressed discreetly into the mattress so that it does not disturb Levi. He kneads the fat of Levi’s ass and grinds down, soaking his own collar in drool. Oh, what a lovely thing Levi’s body is, his flesh so plump in Erwin’s hands, like fresh fruit.
Erwin does not think of God, nor his wife, nor his children. He does not even think of the Devil. He thinks only of pleasure—and what a fantastic pleasure it is, to have the privilege of feeling Levi’s bare skin under his throbbing hands.
Huffing into Levi’s hair, Erwin reaches around the front of his pants to grasp at his small, soft cock. His teeth sink into his bottom lip and he grips the front of his own pyjama bottoms to keep his hips from twitching. Erwin has never touched another man’s cock. There is a thrill in it, as though he is a child fleeing after sneaking an extra scoop of whipped cream for his pie.
He is careful not to grip Levi’s cock too tightly, lest he wake him. Instead, he exerts those urges on his own cock, rubbing and tugging at the hot flesh until it hardens fully in his palm. He can think of nothing he would take more pleasure in than rutting his hips against Levi’s soft ass, but he fears waking him. He cups it with his palm instead, and squeezes until the flesh grows hot and he begins to leak over his own fingers.
He has the deviant, hungry thought of putting his wet fingers inside Levi, of feeling how soft he may be in there, how warm and tight. He fits his hand around Levi’s small cock again and holds it as he trembles into his own hand. His climax approaches in quivers, and his mouth falls open as he bucks his hips into the tight clench of his fist. He snatches a tissue from the nightstand to capture his release, smothering his groans in his palm, which still carries Levi’s musky scent.
After making certain he has not expended any of his seed on Levi’s clothes or bedsheets, he tidies himself up and returns to his own bed.
His climax has exhausted him, and he sleeps well that night, stirred only briefly by the creaking of bed springs and the sound of the shower turning on, both of which he dismisses as dreams.
“Mr. Smith, I think I might make my own way from here.”
Erwin drops his spoon into his cereal, and milk splats onto the cheap linoleum. Levi is already dressed and packed, his rucksack over his shoulder. “Nonsense, Levi,” Erwin says, wiping up his spill with a tissue. “I’ve told you already that I’m pleased to be helping you out.”
“I know. And I’m not being unappreciative.” Levi is looking at his shoes. The laces are fraying, and they’re black with scuff marks. Erwin should think about buying him a new pair. “I only think—maybe it’s time we parted ways.”
Pushing his bowl aside, Erwin gets up, the metal chair scraping noisily in their tiny room. “Well there’s no sense in that, is there? We’re both heading the same way, and we keep each other company well enough.”
“I just think… there’s no need for us to stick together anymore.”
There is consternation in Levi’s expression. His resolve is fragile; Erwin will only need to push a little to sway him.
“Son.” He rests a hand on Levi’s bony shoulder, and there’s enough weight in his grip to stagger Levi. “If you’re worried about burdening me, you needn’t. I’ve enjoyed your company. It gets lonely for a man like me, you know? These long trips so far from home. And look—if you’re getting sick of me, well, I’ll be home in another day, so you won’t be stuck with me much longer.”
He puts his thumb beneath Levi’s chin and tips it up. He remembers how Levi stared at him so unabashedly when he first sat down in his truck. At some point in the last day, that confidence has retreated. Their intimacy has made him demure.
“We’ll stop at the market before we cross the border, and I’ll get you a whole bag of fresh apples, how’s that sound?” Erwin rubs Levi’s shoulder, watching the early sunlight catch in his eyelashes through a crack in the curtains. “And for lunch, I’ll show you this lovely brewery that’s a couple miles off the highway—delicious apple cider. It’s a famous thing around here. Would you like that?”
He massages his fingers through Levi’s hair, coaxing him closer until he nods and steps away. “Okay. I’ll go put my bag in the truck.”
Erwin beams, and tries to contain his relief. “There’s a good boy.”
The weather is improving. Erwin watches the sun crest over the treetops as they drive through a shallow gully, the light splitting into colour. “A rainbow,” Erwin smiles. “I tell my girls they’re God’s little gifts after a storm.”
Levi gazes at it in apathy, then looks back at his lap. There’s an apple in his fist. Its skin shines bright red as though it has only just been plucked. “Are you growing an apple tree in that backpack of yours?” Erwin jokes.
Levi sinks his teeth into it, and Erwin becomes distracted from the road as the juice spills down his chin. He hands Levi the handkerchief from his breast pocket, and when Levi returns it to him, he pauses to savour the smell before putting it away.
At noon, the sun is high and warm against their skin. It glistens off the puddles that have filled the ditches along the road, and makes the last of the evaporating rainwater sparkle in the shrubs. They paused at the market earlier, and Levi has a heavy bag of apples at his feet. The vendor assured them they were fresh, but they don’t look as pure as the ones Levi has been eating.
“Shall we break for lunch?” Erwin asks. “We can eat those sandwiches we bought this morning.”
“If you like, Mr. Smith.”
Erwin drives them to a quiet rest stop about half a mile off the highway. They’re in Texas now, and he’s familiar enough with the area that he knows there’s another stop a few miles on that requires less of a detour. But the solitude here is nice. He would prefer not to be interrupted.
After brushing away the leaves tossed up by the storm, Erwin invites Levi to sit on the bench in the shade of a thick tree. “Nice to finally get into Texas,” he remarks. “Weather’s warmer down here than it was where I picked you up.”
Levi nibbles the corners off his sandwiches, but mostly, he watches the road, scanning the bend they came around as though he’s anticipating another visitor.
When Erwin’s sandwich is finished, he tips his head towards the canopy of yellow and green over their heads and rests his hand on Levi’s knee. “Pleasant, isn’t it? Knowing you’re completely alone like this. It’s peaceful.”
Levi stares at Erwin’s hand and chews slowly, as though he has begun to find it difficult. There is wind in his hair, and Erwin finds himself compelled to tuck it behind his ear. It’s soft against his fingers.
“You know, Levi, that thing you did for me yesterday…” Erwin swallows a breath of air and clasps his hands briefly, preemptively begging God’s forgiveness—he performed his daily penance again this morning, on his other hand, since it was becoming difficult to fit his wedding band over his left. “It wasn’t so bad. I didn’t mind it—no. Ah, I am being too reserved. It was very nice. I enjoyed it a great deal.”
Levi is picking his sandwich apart. Erwin takes his silence as permission to continue, and so he adds, “I was thinking we might do something like that again.”
Levi’s eyes snap onto his face. “I thought you found it sinful, Mr. Smith.”
Erwin’s mouth drops open, startled by Levi’s bluntness. “Well—strictly speaking, homosexuality is a sin.” He clears his throat and unscrews the lid from his water bottle to wet his throat. Levi watches him with discerning curiosity.
“I’m not a homosexual, Levi,” Erwin reassures him. “I think it was merely—as you said yourself—a matter of repaying my generosity. Not that I’m in need of payment, mind you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative. And there is no sin in a man’s needs. It is how God made us.”
He gathers up their sandwich wrappings and discards them in the empty bin beside the bench. Levi’s footsteps crunch behind him in the gravel as they return to the truck. Erwin scans the road once more, just to be certain they are not about to be intruded upon. Then he looks back at Levi, and his insides glow warmly.
“I think…” He tips Levi’s face upward and pushes his thumb against Levi’s soft lower lip, his fingertip catching some of the wet from inside his mouth. “Levi,” he says, smiling as he pushes Levi’s lips apart with his thumb, in the hopes that his meaning is conveyed without needing to voice it.
As though he has an instinct for understanding Erwin, Levi’s tongue flicks over his lips. “My mouth?” he asks quietly. Erwin smiles wider, giddy, but controlled. He tips his head in acknowledgement.
Levi’s eyes fall to Erwin’s trousers. He is better at hiding his pleasure than Erwin is, his expression blank. His eyes do not leave Erwin’s groin as he falls to his knees in the gravel. It is a beautiful sin, watching him unbuckle Erwin’s belt for him, unzip his jeans for him, take his cock out for him. It rests in his small palm, dwarfing it.
“Levi,” Erwin whispers, quietly urging. His cock leaks onto Levi’s tongue as Levi fits his mouth around it. Erwin grips him by the shoulder, a grunt leaving his throat. “Yes. Oh, that’s nice, Levi. You’re such a good boy. Sweet boy.”
There’s a tremble in his thighs, and he presses his hand into the truck to keep himself steady. Indulgently, he slips his fingers through Levi’s dark hair, and strokes it, and wonders if maybe Levi might appreciate it. There is something so deviant about the wet sounds Levi’s mouth makes around his cock. Erwin shoves his fist against his mouth, huffing as his hips twitch to get deeper into Levi’s warm throat.
When Levi first chokes, it shocks Erwin, and he cradles his head, hushing him. “It’s okay, dear. It’s all right. You poor thing… such a small mouth. Is it—is it too big for you, sweet boy?”
He caresses the back of Levi’s head, keeping him locked against his crotch, without moving. His cock sits heavily on Levi’s tongue, warm and comfortable. Levi makes a small croak, and Erwin feels his throat convulsing around the tip of his cock. Drool leaks down Levi’s chin and onto Erwin’s balls, and Levi’s eyes shut, clenched in discomfort. Erwin watches him squirm, transfixed by the flush in his cheeks, the huffing of air from his nose.
“You dear thing,” Erwin breathes, pushing Levi’s hair out of his eyes. He allows his cock to slip from Levi’s lips and Levi doubles over, spit dribbling onto the concrete. “Look up at me, Levi.” Erwin tilts Levi’s head and watches his chest heave as he pants for breath.
He pushes his cock back inside Levi’s mouth slowly, and Levi wraps his fist around it. Erwin lets go of his chin and rests his hand on the back of Levi’s head. “That’s it, dear. Just suck on it. Oh, it feels nice. You’ve got such a soft mouth, sweetheart. Look up at me, please son.”
There’s moisture in Levi’s eyes, and his cheeks are damp. Erwin wipes at them with his sleeve as Levi tips his face towards him. There is a striking defiance in his grey eyes that sends a shot of excitement through Erwin’s stomach. As though some carnal instinct has possessed him, he grips Levi’s head with both hands and bucks deep into his throat.
There is a glorious pleasure in taking Levi’s mouth as he does—the way a man might take a woman. Only, when Erwin and his wife couple, it does not bring out such savagery in him. He and Levi are all alone out here on this quiet road, with only the trees to listen to Erwin’s beastly grunting. Levi coughs, his fists wound up in Erwin’s shirt, and Erwin groans with satisfaction.
He watches Levi’s eyes, sharp through his tears, and fixed upon Erwin’s face as though he has the power to smite him. With a shout, Erwin buries himself in Levi’s throat and holds the boy by his hair as he climaxes. Levi writhes, tugging at Erwin’s wrist as he releases his seed down his throat. Levi chokes and it spills from his lips. He struggles free and stumbles back onto the gravel, clambering to his feet to dust himself off and spit into the grass.
Erwin watches Levi double over, sighing as he strokes the last of his seed from his cock. Drained, and light inside, he collapses against his truck and exhales, gazing towards the heavens. The clouds have begun to close in again, drowning out the sun. It looks as though it will rain soon.
By five o’clock, Erwin determines that they will need to stop over one more night before he reaches home. In truth, it’s only another three hours away. Normally, he’d make the final leg of the journey by night, even with this rain. But, he reasons, it would be irresponsible to abandon Levi when it is beginning to grow dark; he will appreciate another night in a proper bed.
They stop for gas, at a station large enough to have an adjoined sandwich shop, now that they’re getting closer to Houston. “I’ll pick us up some dinner from inside,” Erwin tells Levi once the tank is full. “You want anything?” Levi shakes his head, his eyes in his lap. If there weren’t other drivers around, Erwin might reach forward and lift his chin with his fingertip. “Well all right. Just wait right here then, I won’t be long.”
He determines to find Levi something nice to go with his dinner. An apple cider, maybe, or more pie, assuming Levi isn’t sick of it. He collects the cider from the fridge, and pauses in the aisle at the back to search for something sweet to give Levi for dessert.
As though his attention has been guided by the Devil, his eyes land upon a tube, which he assumes at first is some sort of candy—but he comes to realise it is lubricant. It is shelved right beneath the condoms. Erwin’s gut clenches and he finds it difficult to draw his gaze away from the shelf. He can glimpse Levi through the rain, resting his head against the passenger window.
Erwin comes to a decision swiftly, and after ensuring the till attendant is occupied with another customer, slips the condoms and lubricant into his coat pocket.
At once, he finds himself frozen to the spot, stunned by his own action. He waits for the guilt to descend upon him, but the sensation that settles in his belly is more giddy and warm, like adrenaline. It makes him recall gripping Levi’s thigh while he slept, or climbing into his bed last night.
He purchases a bottle of dissolvable sleeping pills too and pays quickly, his stolen items burning through his coat pocket.
Hurrying back through the rain with his hands over his head and excitement kicking at his insides, Erwin pulls open the truck door and slips back in beside Levi. It’s only after they pull back onto the road that Erwin realises he forgot to buy them dinner.
The drowsy painkillers dissolve into Levi’s apple cider quickly while he’s in the shower. Erwin hopes the taste has not been affected. His heart hammers so rapidly, he can feel it in his throat. A clap of thunder startles him, and he laughs at himself—at the sheer absurdity of his paranoia.
“Levi,” he calls, knocking on the bathroom door. “I’m going to pop out and see if I can find us something to eat. I’ve left your cider in the fridge if you’re feeling thirsty.”
“Thank you, Mr. Smith,” comes Levi’s muffled response. Below the steady pounding of the rain, Erwin can hear the shower water hitting the bottom of the tub. He hopes Levi is washing his hair with his apple shampoo again. He locks the room on his way out and pockets the key. For Levi’s safety.
By the time he returns, Levi is fast asleep on his bed. Blue light from the TV flickers across his face, and each time thunder cracks outside, the room flashes white. The apple cider bottle is sitting empty on the nightstand. Erwin observes Levi fondly as he puts the sandwiches down on the countertop.
He carefully removes his wet boots and places them at the door with his socks. His coat comes next, and it leaves a damp patch on the carpet when he hangs it up. He gets his lighter out, and watches Levi’s body heave as he performs his pre-penance.
Levi is pleasing to watch in sleep. His face is tucked into the pillow, and his lips are parted. They’re still pink. Erwin wonders if his throat hurts, or maybe—maybe he can still taste Erwin on his tongue.
Erwin’s knuckles are a mangle of raised, blistering flesh. He puts his lighter away and tugs his sweater over his head, then unbuttons his shirt with sore, clumsy fingers. His jeans come last, and the zipper is resounding in the quiet room. It brings excited heat to Erwin’s groin.
In his underwear, he climbs onto the bed behind Levi. The boy doesn’t stir; he is well and truly unconscious. Erwin sniffs the top of his head, and notes with satisfaction that he has indeed used the apple shampoo again. His hair is still damp, and the pillow is wet beneath his head.
Erwin considers where he might begin. It is like sitting down to Christmas dinner and being given the first pick of everything on the table. He chews on his thumb as his eyes sweep the length of Levi’s body. He starts by removing the boy’s shirt. It comes over his head easily, his body limp in Erwin’s arms.
He discovers, with delight, that his hand almost spans the width of Levi’s chest if he spreads his fingers. It is strange touching him there and not finding the softness he would in a woman. He burrows his nose into the space behind Levi’s ear and scents apples. With his tongue, he tastes him and finds his skin salty and clean, as he would have predicted.
He rests his hand on Levi’s torso and, slowly, so that he might savour the gradual press of flesh, he pushes his chest against Levi’s back. The boy is still warm from his shower. The heat from his body leaks into Erwin, rushing downward. His fingers lock around Levi’s hips.
Planting his lips on the top of Levi’s head, Erwin pushes his erection against Levi’s ass. They are both still clothed, but the sensation sends a thrill rushing up from Erwin’s stomach that is so visceral, his mouth drops open. He begins rubbing himself against that soft, forbidden spot, taking pleasure in Levi’s warm flesh—and, he thinks, in his own deviance. The pain in his knuckles reminds him that he has earned this indulgence.
There is a stain of moisture on his underwear. He watches it grow as he humps Levi’s ass, his cock stretching the fabric. He is decidedly less human than he was before he picked Levi up off the highway. The boy has drawn out an urge in Erwin which is more animal than man. He can hear his own hot breaths in the still room, above the heavy rainfall that beats against the windows.
He removes his own underwear before Levi’s, fearing he will not be able to restrain himself once the boy’s skin is bare. He sighs into Levi’s neck and grips two handfuls of his ass, kneading it. He yearns to remain here, the way a man ought to linger on each fine piece of art in a gallery, and not rush through. But Erwin knows experiencing Levi’s flesh with his hands will not sate him for long.
Wetting his lips, he kisses the back of Levi’s neck. Behind the curtains, lightning flashes across the room right before thunder cracks through the silence. Erwin’s tongue leaves a line of glistening wet down Levi’s spine. He hesitates when he reaches his tailbone.
It had not occurred to Erwin that he might enjoy putting his mouth somewhere so perverse. Not even the Devil had conjured the thought. But even down here, Levi is clean, and pink as a rose.
Erwin pushes his tongue inside him, and a brilliant glee floods his belly. His seared knuckles sting as he squeezes Levi’s ass and parts it further, so that he might reach deeper with his mouth. Tasting him so intimately drives the sense from Erwin’s mind, and he becomes a beast once again, slavering and hungry.
The sudden deepening of Levi’s breath brings Erwin to a halt. He slackens his grip on Levi’s waist and withdraws. His drool is leaking from Levi’s hole. Levi’s lips have fallen wider, and there is a gentle flush in his cheeks. Might he be enjoying this? Is Erwin bringing him unconscious pleasure?
He returns to where he was, his tongue breaching the tight muscle of Levi’s ass again. It is a strange thing, to feel Levi relaxing around him as Erwin licks at him softly.
Erwin cups his hip, and—oh. Levi’s dreams must be sweet, because his small cock has hardened a little. Erwin smiles into Levi’s flesh, feeling a surge of sinful pride in himself. Levi’s hole is opening to him too. It is looser than it was when he began.
The snap of the condom is loud in the still room, a disruption to the steady sound of rainfall. Erwin lubricates Levi’s hole and watches the slick drip out of him. By comparison, Erwin is tremendously large. He wets his cock with more lubricant, and wonders if he’ll fit. The concern is accompanied by a giddy thrill—it will be snug inside Levi’s tight body. Relaxed as he is, Levi will have to stretch to make space for Erwin.
The tip goes in and Erwin smothers a groan with his palm. It is euphorically tight, though it causes Levi to stir, deep asleep as he is. His breaths grow heavier against the pillow, as though in sleep he is experiencing the same overwhelming gratification Erwin is. Erwin strokes his back and pulls him flush against his chest, getting an arm around his torso to fit him close.
His cock has slipped out. He fumbles it back to where it was and pushes forward with his hips, going deeper. He has to muffle his groan in Levi’s neck. He is engulfed in heat, and such an embracing heat too. The sort you might expect from a warm fire after a day of snow. Erwin sucks on Levi’s neck; marks are risky, but he can’t deny himself the indulgence. His knuckles sting and remind him of the pleasures he has earned.
He forces himself deeper into Levi’s body, with effort. It is tighter than sin, and in his sleep, Levi huffs. Is he uncomfortable? Erwin frets, and strokes his torso, his half-soft cock, soothing him. “Shh,” he hushes, though Levi sleeps on. “My sweet boy. I’m not hurting you, am I? You dear thing.”
The effort of holding himself still makes Erwin tremble. His hips are stuttering, little thrusts which push him deeper. Outside, the storm roars on, and Erwin locks Levi against his chest, rocking his hips into him without slipping out further than an inch. Levi is making little noises in his sleep; Erwin can’t be sure whether they’re of pleasure or discomfort. He thinks—if they are joined so intimately, then surely Levi must be experiencing the same bliss Erwin is.
He begins to find the angle frustrating. He can’t push as deep as he’d like to, and the fire in his belly is growing. It ignites the urge to possess , to take. He rolls Levi onto his front and climbs on top of him, kneeling between his thighs. He drags Levi’s ass into his lap and pushes back inside, then stuffs his fist in his mouth, silencing a groan.
Levi makes a sound which is stifled by the pillow. Around Erwin’s cock, he tightens, as though he has sensed the intrusion. Erwin rubs the back of his neck but his capacity for tenderness is receding. He feels brutish as the savagery in him awakens.
Gripping Levi’s hips, he begins bucking into him, and the smack of flesh fills the room. “Oh,” he groans, “oh, darling.” This is so much better. He feels a true man, from this angle. He feels infallible.
Levi lets out a huff of breath and Erwin sees his fists closing around the sheets. “Oh sweetheart…” Erwin bends down, though he doesn’t pause, doesn’t think he could. He needs to keep taking. “Are you awake? How do you feel, Levi? My sweet boy. Are you feeling good?”
Levi’s cheek is pressed into the pillow, his mouth hanging open as saliva trickles over his lips. Erwin kisses his forehead, and licks at the salty tear stains beneath his eyes.
“It’s all right,” he soothes. “There we go, it’s okay, sweet thing. You’re good and loose for me, aren’t you? I made it nice and wet inside. You like this, don’t you? I’ll make it feel lovely for you, son.”
His hips start snapping into Levi and the bed springs creak. “Levi,” he moans, “Levi, thank you. Thank you.”
“Ah! Mr. Smith—”
“It’s all right, shh. It’s all right, love.” Erwin buries a hand over Levi’s mouth, conscious of the noise they are making. He feels spit against his hand, and the wet gasps of Levi’s sobbing. “It’s okay, it’s okay, just relax. It’ll feel good. I want you to enjoy it, Levi. What if I—” He reaches beneath Levi’s body and squeezes his cock. “I’ll touch you here, my boy, how is that? Is that better?”
Levi is mostly soft now. Erwin licks his palm to make his touch smoother and strokes him while Erwin takes his own pleasure from behind him. Levi begins to harden in his palm and a pleasant heat coils in his belly. “There we go,” he sighs. “You’re such a good boy, aren’t you? Sweet boy.”
Erwin slips out of him for just a moment so that he can peel off the condom. When he sinks back in, the slippery heat drives a growl from his chest. “Fuck, that’s nice. That’s nice, isn’t it dear? Ha, yes. I can hear you moaning now. Do it louder for me, sweetheart. Come, let me hear you.”
He lets go of Levi’s cock to grasp onto his hips again, to shift the angle so he might force himself deeper. The instinct overwhelms him and he squeezes the plump flesh of Levi’s ass as he pounds him into the creaking mattress.
He watches his own cock disappear into Levi and it brings a flood of pleasure to his belly. With each smack of his hips, his cock makes a slick sound inside Levi, and Levi’s body jerks beneath him. Erwin grips the metal bedframe to give himself the leverage to buck into Levi faster.
He has never made love to his wife like this. In this moment, he has stopped being human. Something animal has awoken in him. Something primal that is not of God’s creation—and he is certain now, that God has abandoned him, and that the Devil has made his home in Erwin’s body.
He is grunting the way a beast does. He is savage, wretched, and there will be no salvation for him. Every nerve in his body is so raw that he cannot even recall his faith.
The rickety bedframe knocks rhythmically against the wall. If there is anyone in the next room, they will hear—if they have not heard Erwin’s savage howls already.
He bends over and tips Levi’s face towards him, kissing his soft lips and swallowing the moans Levi feeds him. He can taste tears, and feel heat in Levi’s face.
When he opens his eyes, Levi is looking directly at him. “You’re going to hell, Mr. Smith,” he says, without emotion.
Erwin claws at Levi’s hips and gasps. “God!” he cries, driving deep and climaxing buried inside Levi’s ass. It lasts so long he begins to quiver, and there is so much of it that he can feel it leaking out, down Levi’s thighs. He grips onto Levi and keeps him there as he expends himself inside him. Levi squirms and it pulls a groan from deep within Erwin’s belly. He cages Levi with his arms and bends over, pushing so deep, he can feel the press of the boy’s flesh against his balls.
When his cock softens, he remains inside Levi. He has no urge to leave. It is wet and soft, and so warm. Levi writhes underneath him, but he is just a delicate little thing and it is easy to hold him down. Erwin lets out a heavy-bodied sigh and wipes his spilled seed over Levi’s ass, his back, his thighs. He slips out just to see it dribbling from him, and a hum of satisfaction rumbles up his throat. He sees too, that Levi has released his own seed on the bedsheets.
With a burst of fondness, Erwin bends down to kiss Levi’s forehead. The taste of apples lingers strong on his tongue.
In the morning, neither of them speak a word of what occurred last night. Levi climbs into Erwin’s passenger seat, as usual, and begins eating an apple. “Would you like one, Mr. Smith?” he offers. He has been quiet, but he meets Erwin’s gaze now, his sharp eyes mimicking the stormclouds outside.
The gesture brings a smile to Erwin’s face. He pulls back onto the road as the skies open again to drench the landscape in fresh rainfall. He squeezes Levi’s knee before accepting the apple. He has a bite, and decides not to drive home.