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In another world, another life, Dazai had taken a look at this unkempt, uneducated, borderline feral child and decided to forge him to his liking. Like a sword being shaped in a forge- scorching heat and merciless hammer blows until it approaches something sharp and useful, something to use later.
In another world, another life, Dazai had kept a brother and discarded a sister -his only kindness being sending her to Verlaine instead of Kouyou, and allowing them to hunker down together in the same rundown apartment, but never bothering with her beyond that.
In another world, another life, Dazai had become a mentor.
In this one, though, he is something else .
__________
It's three pm when Oda gets the call- the equivalent of a mafioso's four am.
He carefully disentangles himself from baby Sakura and Yuu (it took a lot to convince them to lay down for a nap, he's not risking waking them up) before he leaves them with the other three, sadly-awake but thankfully silently-playing-kids. Then, once he's out of the room, he breathes in and picks up.
"Odasaku", comes in a gasped, panicked tone, the second the line connects.
If Oda wasn't already worried due to the (early? Late?) unusual hour, he'd be by now.
"Where are you?" He asks. No 'do you need help?' because why else would Dazai call? And no 'are you okay?' because his general wellbeing or lack of it wouldn't warrant (in Dazai's head) this type of panic.
"It's not like that", the teen quickly corrects, still sounding out of breath and like he's frozen solid in place all at once. "It's- you have kids. Children. Sons and a daughter. Right?"
It's a little redundant that he asks, since he was the one who helped Oda forge the needed paperwork to make the adoption process smoother. But the last word, nearly hysterical and so, so out of place in Dazai's voice, makes him answer regardless.
"I do."
"Then- you know how to. Raise them. Be good for them. Be a perfect dad and stuff. Don't you?"
He blinks, heart still racing with worry for his young friend, but slowly relaxing. It doesn't sound like he's in mortal danger.
(Though, with Dazai, who's to say?)
"I mean… I only got them a few weeks ago, but I'm trying my best. I think that's good enough, until I know how to be better."
There's a muffled sound on the other end of the line, like Dazai is biting something to keep himself from screaming.
"But I can't do 'good enough', Odasaku! I need to be perfect !"
It's not his usual childish whine, but an actual, 'I'm very distressed right now' sound. It's as reassuring as it's worrying.
He carefully softens his voice.
"What is this about?"
Silence. The scruff of shoes against pavement. The sound of rushing water (is he by the river? The sea?).
"... I'm a father now, Oda."
More silence. Despite feeling like his knees will fail him any second now, he's steady as he takes out his second phone to text Ango. He can't deal with this alone.
"Meet me at Lupin in fifteen."
__________
"...and he- they took my offer. And since I brought them in, Mori-san said they are my responsibility."
He stops talking, not to breathe (like he so desperately needs, after the nonstop explanation of the last ten minutes), but to down the amber liquor on his glass. Oda doesn't bother mentioning he's underage and shouldn't be drinking- Dazai does as Dazai wants, and they have bigger issues to tackle.
Thankfully, Ango seems willing to bite that first bullet.
"And you jump from 'making sure they settle down properly' to 'fatherhood'... How? You're sixteen. They are… how old?"
Dazai blinks. Waves the bartender over and points at his glass, silently demanding another. Immediately downs that one, too.
"Oh god, I don't know how old my own children are. I'm the worst. I think Ryuunosuke is, like… thirteen? And Gin's younger, so probably around eleven?"
Ango tilts his head. Oda takes it as his cue.
"That's too little of an age difference to be their dad."
Dazai drops his arms on the bar, then proceeds to bury his face in them. His words are barely understandable.
"Odasaku said if you took children and decided to house them, provide for them and teach them life stuff, you are their dad."
That's certainly not what Oda said. It's what he does , with his kids at least, but he'd never verbalized it to Dazai or implied it was his case. Granted, he never imagined the depressed, ruthless, young mafia executive to ever take on kids, but. Well. Life's full of surprises.
Still, something warm blooms on his chest, like it does everytime Dazai does or says something that lets Oda know just how much the younger looks up to him.
Ango hums, ever focused on the task at hand, and pushes a glass of water towards the Executive. "Why not older brother, then?"
Dazai whines again, but straightens enough to dutifully drink what's offered.
"That won't work- I'm in charge of developing his -Ryuu's- abilities. Mori-san has no place in his arsenal for dull weapons, he'd dispose of them if they aren't useful. And I can't properly push him in the ways he needs if I'm his equal, like a sibling. I need to be, like… Superior. Older, wiser. A father."
Oda doesn't mention how older siblings could just as well raise and protect their younger ones. It's just a matter of semantics, in any case- the point stands that Dazai is, suddenly, a guardian. And the idea of being just a mentor and washing his hands of them otherwise doesn't seem to have occurred to him.
(He smiles under the edge of his glass when he thinks it's probably because of him. Because Dazai found himself suddenly in charge of -younger- children and looked around for clues on how to act, and decided Oda was the one to emulate.
It's adorable. )
"You won't be able to coddle them much", points out Ango, always straight to the point. "In the mafia, soft means uncovered spot, vulnerability."
Dazai sighs. He looks very tired. He probably hasn't slept since two days ago, when he apparently recruited the kids. Not his worst by far, but still concerning.
"I know. But I'm smart, and have a very solid standing in the mafia, so I think I can get away with a little softness, as long as I'm careful. I still need to train them, though… it's gonna be hard to know when I'm being too rough or not rough enough."
Oda smiles a little. This time, he doesn't hide it.
"I can help you with that, don't worry."
It's Ango's turn to sigh.
"And I guess I can provide reading material to further prepare you in this endeavor, and take care of any documents you might need."
Dazai finally relaxes. He gives them a look that, under his usual dull and cold facade, is unmistakably thankful.
"Where are the kids now, in any case?"
"... Training."
"...Elaborate?"
"..."
"..."
"...How to escape a locked room while handcuffed to a wall."
"You left them tied up?!"
"Listen, I couldn't get a babysitter, what was I supposed to do?! Bring them to a bar?!"
___________
Okay. He can do this. Totally has this on the bag.
He just needs to open the door, free Ryuu from the handcuffs (he's pretty sure Gin, at least, listened to his half assed lockpicking explanation enough that she'd probably be able to get herself out of those amateur restraints), order in some food and sit them down to discuss living arrangements. Easy peasy.
Still, as a self soothing movement, he carefully takes the list out and checks it over for the seventh time since its creation. He memorized it the second they wrote it down, but having a physical reminder was… nice to his slightly tense nerves.
How to take care of your teen and preteen children, by Osamu Dazai (teen Dad), ft Oda Sakunosuke and Ango Sakaguchi .
- Make sure the children have food and a safe, comfortable place to live in.
- Make sure the children study properly (added by Ango).
- Be sure to encourage them when they want to try something, or achieve something during training. As long as it's safe (added by Odasaku).
- Protect them as much as possible inside the mafia.
- Play with them (by Odasaku).
- Let them have their space to build independence (by Ango).
- Be there for them.
- Don't die on them, at least until they are of age (by both Ango and Odasaku).
The last one was a blatant attempt at curb stomping his suicidal tendencies, but Dazai didn't complain when he wrote it down. He owed it to his friends a little, after they spent three hours brainstorming with him, helped him plan a training menu and promised to send over all the parenting books he could possibly read. And it did have some merit; he couldn't very well raise them if he was dead. Would be hard to remember, when one of his usual episodes struck, but…
In any case, that was enough pussyfooting. Gathering himself, he kicked open the door, all drama no Prada.
The scene is just what he envisioned; Gin, sitting by the coffee table like the polite little lady that she was, looking up at his loud entrance. Ryuu, still handcuffed to the pipe on the wall (he'd been forbidden from using Rashomon to get himself out), face contorted in shame and anger, briefly overrode by startled surprise.
He put on his best 'I'm a good person' smile (#23, the one with the soft turn of lips and crinkled corner of his eyes) as he let the door swing closed behind him, sashaying his way into safehouse number eight's living room.
"Gin-chan, well done with the handcuffs. Ryuu-chan… you didn't use Rashomon. It's good that you follow orders. Mine, at least."
With barely a touch, he got the cuffs open and Ryuu sitting down next to his smiling sister, his embarrassment all the more evident when he avoided Dazai's gaze. They'd have to work on that tell eventually. But maybe after finding a better place to live- and teaching Ryuu how to use his ability to protect himself, instead of just mauling everything in reach. And giving him and Gin a haircut. And take them shopping for clean clothes.
Oh god, 'clean'. He'll need cleaning products. And maybe a better hair thing than the all in one shampoo he used, that had Chuuya visibly flinching when he had to take a shower at Dazai's favored safehouse. Kids needed that 'no tears' shampoo thing, right? The one that smelt like baby oil?
Oh, and phones. They needed to be able to contact each other, for emergencies and stuff. And Oda had bought Sakura a plushie last week, so was that something he should do too?
So many things in his to do list, shit. But, first things first; food. He drops a few takeout menus on the table between him and the children, gesturing at them to pick. Gin went for it immediately, analyzing the paper with intense focus. Ryuunosuke was still watching Dazai from the corner of his eyes, head dropped.
Finally, he broke. "I… didn't escape, Dazai-san. Gin did, and she's younger."
He shrugs, taking a stack of papers from his coat to study them. He had to remind himself the kid couldn't read his mind like Chuuya sometimes seemed to, and he wasn't a subordinate who didn't deserve an explanation either; he was, for better or worse, Dazai’s… firstborn? No. Oldest? Maybe. Food for thought.
"Didn't expect you to. You've always relied on your ability, which she doesn't have, so it stands to reason that you have more trouble doing stuff without it" he elaborates, unconcerned. Ryuunosuke's development would be slower than Gin, too, in account of his age; he had more time to pick up habits Dazai would have to tear down before showing him the correct way to do shit. It was okay- if it were an easier challenge, he'd be bored by now. "We'll train you out of that, don't you worry. For now, pick dinner and help me look for our new house" he gestured to the papers on his hand to illustrate the point.
Gin had stopped looking at the menus, and now stared at him. Straight to his eyes. He knew men thrice her age and size who wouldn't dare do that- they all, evidently, had half her balls.
"Yes, Gin-chan?"
"We can't order from here. It doesn't have pictures."
"...Huh?"
"We don't know how to read, Dazai-san."
.
.
.
…. Huh?
Children weren't born knowing that?! Dazai sure couldn't remember an age where he couldn't read. Fuck.
"Okay, that's - we'll work on that. For now I'll read this out loud for you, and just stop me when something sounds okay."
He was so out of his fucking depth.
___________
Snip snip.
"Dazai-san… are you sure you… know how to do this?"
He shrugs a little, turning Ryuunosuke's head this and that way.
"Well, your brother said he didn't want to go to a hairdresser, so…"
Snip snip.
"Ah, I… I don't think that's the way you cut bangs…"
"What do you mean 'way', Gin-chan? It's hair, you take a pair of scissors and cut it. Not much science behind it."
The eleven year old winced with every fallen strand of hair, but held her tongue.
Snip snip.
Oh god, it was like seeing someone commit a crime in real time. Was this what they'd signed up for, joining the mafia? Horrendous haircuts and other bad decisions?
Snip snip.
"There, done. What do you think, kid?"
Gin watched in horrified disbelief as Ryuunosuke smiled at his reflection, tilting his head in every direction to examine the haircut- if one can even call it that. He seemed inordinately happy for someone who appeared to have lost a fight with a blender.
"I like it a lot! It makes me look dangerous and mysterious!"
It absolutely does not . Gin bites her cheek to refrain from screaming. Her brother's pretty hair…
"What do you think, little lady?"
The question, and her brother's shiny, excited eyes turn on her. Damn.
"It's… very cool", she lies, harder than she ever had in her life. Both men smile wider at that, even if Dazai had visibly caught on.
"Ready for yours?"
"No!" Ryuu blinks, surprised at her outburst, so she quickly switches tracks. "I think I'd like to keep mine long…"
"Are you sure? Dazai-san is really good at this!"
"I… ah… I'll let this be a thing for just the two of you, how about that? Like a… bonding tradition. I'd really, really rather leave my hair as it is."
"Suit yourself, kiddo. Now let's go shopping. I think a new wardrobe for each of you is in order."
Well. At least the job had its perks.
She'll just have to avoid looking at Ryuu straight on.
___________
Three days later, situated in their shinny, luxurious penthouse, and with the kids decked in their new (and ugly, in Ryuunosuke's case, but Oda and Ango had said to let them make their choices- awful as they were) clothes, he finally sat them down for their first lesson.
Reading and writing first. Which, he wasn't a hundred percent sure on how to teach them, considering he's apparently been able to do that from longer than he's been sentient, but he's good at winging shit. Two weeks ago he winged a mission with Chuuya, half dead on his feet and with less than an hour of sleep on him, and he still succeeded AND saved the mafia like a million dollars in guns he… liberated from the enemy organization.
He can totally freestyle this.
"And… that's the alphabet. Any questions?"
Gin looks up from where she's disassembling a gun, passing it to her brother to put back together and receiving the pieces of the rifle he shoves her way in turn.
"Yes. Why are we doing this while learning our ABCs?"
"Multitasking. As soon as you finish with those, we'll switch up to sharpening knives while you read a classical poem."
"But - we don't know kanji yet! You just taught us hiragana and katakana!"
Wait until they find out he's starting them in English as well the moment they can read a full sentence in kanji.
"Better get on learning then."
Maybe he'll actually be good at this.
_____________________
"Twenty thousand and… forty-seven?"
Dazai hums.
"Twenty thousand and fifty -seven, Gin-chan. Remember to carry your ones. That's another hundred push ups for you. Okay, next question, Ryuu-chan…"
"I'm- I'm getting dizzy, Dazai-san…"
"Well then you better answer correctly, so you can get down from that handstand, right?"
_____________________
"And what happens when you add an acidic cleaner to bleach?"
Ryuunosuke hums, eyes flying across the screen as he's trying to memorize the faces flashing across.
"Chlorine gas?"
"Correct! And who's Mr Mashiriki's wife, and why is she important to the mafia?"
"Mrs… Kiano. And she's… from a family of gun makers?"
"...close enough for now. Gin-chan, what does chlorine gas do ?"
"It can cause coughing, breathing problems, burning eyes and… running nose, I think?"
"Good. And what of note happened in the Amiratta family this year?"
"Oh, I know that one! Their heir just had an extramarital son!"
"Daughter", her brother corrects.
"Both - he had one with each mistress at basically the same time. I can kinda relate."
_____________________
"Dazai-san?"
"Yes, Gin-chan, dear?"
"Why are we in an abandoned circus?"
"Tight rope walking."
"...why?"
"History lessons!"
"...what's the catch?"
"Oh Ryuunosuke-chan, you're shaping up to be really smart! Of course I'll throw tomatoes at you for every wrong answer."
"There is no safety net, Dazai-san."
"It's not high enough to kill you, and that ought to motivate you to not mess up. And if you do, that's just free 'duck' or 'how to land without breaking an ankle' training. Also, please drop your coat here. No abilities."
"..."
"..."
"Okay, up you go! The one who stays on the rope the longest gets to pick today's takeout!"
_____________________
"Aaaaaand time! Pencils down. I'll correct those, and for every wrong answer, it's another 22 pounds to your regular training weights."
"Can we", Ryuu pants, hanging on for dear life to the treadmill, Rashumon's tendrils acting as an improvised table for both him and his sister to lay their papers on while running and writing, "can we get off here? We've- been running - for three hours."
"You wanted to get down faster, you should have finished your test sooner. But yes, kids, sit by the table."
"Is this… a break?"
"Oh, Gin-chan, you are so sweet and innocent. No. See those papers on either side of the table? Pick a pile each. It has two truths and a lie on every page. First one to spot the others' lie on each round gets a cookie."
"..."
"A cookie laced with jalapeno, so it's a little more difficult to keep a straight face while lying. But, a cookie nonetheless. Bet you're hungry."
"...Ugh."
"You can have milk, though!"
_____________________
It's a month after he first got the kids, when the time off Mori had allotted him comes to an end.
And so here he finds himself, slouching on the chair in front of the Boss's desk, two little shadows standing at attention behind him. Ryuunosuke's cloak and Gin's face mask, the gifts he'd provided after bringing them onto the mafia as per tradition, get an amused smile from the man opposite to him.
"I get the coat, considering his powers… but the facemask?"
Dazai shrugs, relaxed despite how badly he wants to shrivel up. This is the golden moment - he needs to sell this one perfectly. If he messes up, Mori will know he's not being sarcastic and joking when he calls them his children, when he demanded they be put under his tutelage legally, when he asked (for the first time in his considerably long for his age career) time off from missions to ease them into their new lives with him. He'll see it as a weakness, like Chuuya's affection for his Flag friends, and use it accordingly.
"I'm thinking of turning her into an assassin, so the less people who know she's a girl the better - gives her the element of surprise in undercover assignments and makes it harder to read her when half her face is covered up."
And less of a temptation to Mori himself, when the young girl , as a mentee, has to follow Dazai around. And thus spend a considerable amount of time in this office when he's reporting, plotting or just indulging Mori on chess matches that feel too much like lessons and tests alike.
There's a beat of silence, as the man watches father (still weird to think, but less so than before) and children. There's pressure in the air, the only sound being the scratch of Elise's pencils on paper.
Then, Mori smiles. Perturbing as it is, Dazai can't see the acidic amusement it'd have if he found a soft spot, so he wills himself to not react upon his sudden relief.
"That's okay, then. How are their studies coming along? Since you requested a whole month, I'm expecting quality results."
"Like I didn't still work on any mystery you sent my way or directed my subordinates from wherever I was. But yeah- they're still a ways off, since I had to start from scratch, but they are catching up fast."
"Hmm. Any complaints from you, children?"
They don't startle at being addressed, because Dazai had warned them it would happen. They still shift uncomfortably, which, fair, Chuuya hasn't stopped being nervous when directly under Mori's microscope either. It's… a learned skill.
"No, sir. We are eternally grateful to Dazai-san for giving us this opportunity, and we strive to pay him back by giving our all to his- your cause."
It's… as good an answer as he's capable of. Gin-chan would probably have been a little better, due to her innate politeness and the fact that Ryuunosuke doesn't really see Mori as a superior other than due to him being Dazai's superior (referring mafia work as Dazai's cause, and how grateful they are to him ). But the less she talks in Mori's presence, the better.
There's also the little mistake of Ryuunosuke using the "-san" instead of the "-sama" Dazai's Executive title warrants, but he won't correct that, not even later in the privacy of their home.
Doesn't want his children to put such a formal distance between them.
(Odasaku's kids don't call him "-sama", after all)
Again, Mori smiles.
"Good- your mentor's time is precious. Never forget you've been given the privilege of learning directly under The Demon Prodigy. He won't always be available- I do need you to go on a mission with Chuuya-kun soon, Dazai-kun. So you need to keep up your studies even in his absence. When will they be mission ready?"
"Not for a while now. Ryuunosuke's " don't add the '-chan', don't add the '-chan', don't… " ability is still too unstable, and any mission they could take on without Rashumon can be left off for the grunts. No need to risk my investment like that, right?"
"Mmm. Well, then- report tomorrow morning for your mission, Dazai-kun. I'll be happy to babysit…"
Dazai cuts in, before Mori's eyes can stray even close to Gin.
"I'm going to have them learn poisons and manners with Ane-san, but I'll keep the offer in mind."
"Very well. Dismissed."
_____________________
Among all the things Dazai had to do when he took in the kids, he'd forgotten a vital one.
Or- not really forgotten, per say, but… willfully ignored.
Chuuya. And the fact that he didn't know Dazai had acquired two babies in the past month and a half
"Why do we have to meet this… Nakahara person, Dazai-san?"
He hums, hand behind his back, the other swirling the contents on his plastic cup as he walks down the street and towards Chuuya's apartment. Where he'll most certainly be right now, with his flag friends all out on assignments. His partner is so predictable, it's actually nauseating.
"I'm leaving on a mission tomorrow, and someone has to keep an eye on you two."
"But… two weeks ago, you left us with Kouyou-san?"
"Because Chibi was on that mission with me, dearie, so he could hardly babysit. And Ane-san is busy this time around."
"We don't need a babysitter!" Fumes Ryuu, dutifully following after Dazai's heels but visibly upset- another tell to fix, fuck. "We should go with you! How else can we keep you safe?"
And- yeah. That was his mistake.
Point five on the list had been to play with the kids, but Dazai's experience with children's games was limited to hanging out around Oda's, and their favorite activity was pretending Sakura was a princess they had to save from 'dragon Oda'. And two days ago had seemed like the perfect time to give it a try, after their daily classes were done…
But he didn't have a Sakura, so he put himself in the princess's role and told the kids their mission was to keep Dazai safe, always. They were to be his darling knights in shiny armor, or whatever Kosuke had said. He hoped they'd have a laugh, maybe play-fight each other and tire themselves out before dinner. Just to add some realism to the game, he'd even had two subordinates jump them on their way back from the store, to 'kidnap' him.
( Ryuu-chan had freaked out and gutted them both with Rashumon- but that's okay. Some mistakes are made sometimes. Omelettes and broken legs, or however the saying goes .)
Instead, they had taken it to heart way too much, convinced Dazai would die if they took their eyes off him for a minute. It was kinda cute how little Gin-chan kept such a tight grip on his sleeve, and Ryuunosuke-chan's pouting made him look younger than he was, but this separation anxiety would slap them in the face whenever Dazai had to leave- like now.
(He could tell them the 'mission' was supposed to be a game , but they seemed so happy to care for him, like a light had been lit inside them, and he couldn't bear to take that away from them. So yes, fuck it, he'll play helpless princess from time to time, whatever.
He has a lot of subordinates he can spare for the cause, anyway.)
"Father has work to do, children. The bills won't pay themselves, and you have classes to attend. I've drafted a whole regime for the three days I'll be gone, but if the mission extends to a fourth, you can ask Chibi to teach you something of your choosing! Isn't that exciting?"
Not leaving them a chance to answer, he drops to his knees in front of the door.
"Now pay attention to how I pick this lock- it's going to be in next week's exam."
Eleven seconds is all it takes. And maybe he's showing off a little, but the impressed look on his kids' faces never gets old.
He signals them to keep quiet as they follow him- and their stealth training is bearing fruits already! Their steps are barely audible - Chuuya will know someone's here, but any normal person would be fooled.
He's so proud.
"Dazai, I know it's you! Fucking bastard, stop breaking into my place already!"
The scream comes from the kitchen, so that's where Dazai's headed now. As he passes the hallway, his eye catches their reflection on the mirror; Dazai, tall and dark, coat floating behind him like a royal cape- and two small humans glued to his heels.
They look like little ducklings. It's-
Maybe Oda would call it adorable?
Adorable, yeah.
When he gets to the kitchen, his partner is facing away from him, chopping something at mach speed on a wooden board. It looks like vegetables, and as Dazai watches, he floats another one from the bag on the corner of the countertop. Which means he's planning on making Dazai eat, too.
Ugh.
"Slug."
"Mackerel. Mori said you have a mission tomorrow. Make sure no one shoots you in the head while I'm not there, will you? It'll ruin my four year plan to take your life."
He hums, even as he feels Gin-chan tensing and Ryuu-chan bristling at his back, not at all appreciating Chuuya's joke. They probably don't even understand this is just Chuuya's brand of tough love.
"I wasn't aware you could think that far into the future. Dogs these days are truly wonderful creatures. Even Chu-wawas like you."
"You fucking-" he looks over his shoulder to glare at him and stops mid sentence. Blinks twice. Drops the knife on the board.
"Hm?"
"Dazai, what do you have there?"
He looks down at his cup.
"A smoothie?"
"THE CHILDREN, YOU IDIOT!"
Ryuu-chan's coat flutters in response to the "threat", stepping even closer to Dazai's back and half in front of Gin-chan, when the shorter mafioso fully turns to face them.
Chuuya notices the motion, eyeing the ability-clothing suspiciously before sharpening his gaze and setting it back on Dazai.
Ryuu-chan no-shit- growls . Like he thinks he can actually take Chuuya on, should he decide to attack them.
It's adorable. Also something that should be nipped on the bud right the fuck now .
"Kid- no. You could maybe be a challenge to Chibi over there in like- thirty years. If he's having a bad day. Or half asleep. And that's a hard maybe."
Ryuunosuke doesn't take kindly to that, but he respects Dazai way too much to argue back in front of strangers, so he backs down. Similarly, Chuuya relaxes at Dazai's easy admission of his capabilities, and studies them with calmer eyes.
"Who messed up so incredibly badly and left you in charge of children ?"
And- listen. He could , right? He could be nice and explain to Chuuya how he'd found the kids, noticed one of them was an ability user and decided to become their mentor. And how 'mentor' didn't quite cut it for him, so he decided to call himself their father, despite the laughable age difference.
But where's the fun in that?
"Look kids. The Chibi over there? He's your absentee step father. I'll be taking him to court soon for child support."
Already used to him being, well, him , the kids barely even blink. Ryuunosuke was still deadly focused on Chuuya's every movement. Gin hadn't let go of his sleeve yet.
"The fuck?!"
There it was, the reaction that made it all worth it.
"Well, they are my adopted kids, and you are my partner, which makes them yours too by default- but you aren't present enough in their lives to be called a co parent, not cute enough to be a Mom either, and-"
"I just fucking met them! And I wasn't asking for clarification on the term you chose, jackass, I want to know what the fuck YOUR brats have to do with me on the first - wait, you said adopted?"
Ah. Chuuya was catching on quite fast. Dazai kinda missed the days where he could slip everything past him without the ginger being the wiser.
"Hmm mm. I did say that."
"Like. Dead ass adoption?"
"As legal as a document can be when I signed it under a much older fake identity, but yes. Legit as can be."
"... Is this part of one of your plots? I swear to fuck, Dazai, if you adopted a bunch of kids for some bullshit mission and then decide to dump them on me to take care of -"
" Excuse you ", he took offense to that. He's being an incredibly responsible parental unit! "I've had them for over a month and never asked you for shit; they are my kids. I'm teaching them how to read, write, disarm bombs, do basic math…!"
"The fuck- wait" Chuuya takes a few steps closer.
Ryuu hisses like a cat. Neither of them pay him any mind.
The redhead examines his face for a few seconds, before bewilderment overtakes his features. "Shit. You're actually serious. You… You think you can be a good father? At fucking sixteen ?"
"Well dear ChuChu, I'm fucking trying . It's the best they've got, at any rate. Now, will you finish dinner so the kids can eat and we can discuss shit like adults- or, adult and child-sized dog?"
It's a testament to how shocked Chuuya is that he doesn't even kick him for that last comment. Probably a good idea - he can keep the kids under control as long as all threats are verbal and from far away. An actual physical attack? Ryuu-chan would try to bite for sure.
"Fuck- okay. But this explanation better be hella good."
_____________________
A quick meal later, Dazai abandons his children to their homework (they have to finish translating several history texts from kanji to hiragana, and then to English, while balancing several of Chuuya's prized poetry books on their heads) and retreats to the master bedroom with his partner.
He, admittedly, sucks at explaining his thought process, so telling Chuuya how this situation came to pass is a hassle. But he needs to know if he's going to look after them properly in Dazai's absence; if he thinks they are simply new recruits, he'll delegate them to someone else as soon as an opportunity to hang out with the Flags presents itself. And from nameless grunt number 78 to Mori's tender care it's a surprisingly fast slippery slide.
So, he recounts Oda's brief pep talk that morning, takes out his List for further proof and sets out to give Chuuya the Long Version.
"... And just so you know, Boss approved of me taking the kids in, so", he shrugs, as he finishes the ten minute long monologue.
At one point, Chuuya had sat on his bed. He started wheezing in barely suppressed laughter three minutes and fifty seven seconds in, right around the time Dazai first referred to himself as 'single dad'.
By now, he's so red in the face that it's hard to spot where his hairline begins. He wants to take a picture as petty revenge for being made fun of, but he (regrettably) still needs Chuuya's cooperation.
"But-" a choked laugh, "but it's just so ridiculous. You can't be a father at sixteen, to an eleven year old! Let alone a thirteen year old!"
He laughs again. It's, sadly, a nice sound, but being aimed at him like this makes it feel grating instead of comforting.
He glares with all his 'Demon Prodigy' might.
"Age doesn't mean anything in the Mafia, Chibbiko. You should know that. Only dynamics matter."
"And so, what, behaving like a father makes you one?"
"I've been doing it, so I'd say yes. And what I think has more merit than what you do; human brains are more developed than a dog's, after all."
Okay so maybe he's a little bitter.
Still more amused than he ought to be, Chuuya rubs his eye to get rid of any wetness on them, hiccuping a chuckle here or there as he tries to compose himself.
"Can you even do that?" He finally asks, taking a deep breath and motioning for the water bottle on his bedside table. The thing shines red and floats towards him. "Be a father, I mean. Ain't those supposed to be, like, nurturing and shit? And good at staying and keeping others alive? You can barely parent yourself ."
Chuuya's analysis isn't entirely wrong, but it's nothing he hasn't already considered. He shrugs again, tapping the bottle as it flies past him, the canceled gravity manipulation and momentum making it slam against Chuuya's chest.
His partner rolls his eyes but doesn't complain. He's still unfairly amused about this whole situation.
"Nurturing is only part of being a father. As long as I keep up with the others, missing that one shouldn't be too bad. It's not like the kids have better options; it was me, the slums, Mori or a rival organization. At least I ask what they want to order in, and give them money to buy shit for their rooms. I'm also not only training them, but teaching them normal high school stuff."
Chuuya tilts his head, curious.
"That homework you gave them looked pretty advanced."
"What do you know, you haven't gone to school in your life."
"Shut the fuck up, neither have you ."
"No, but I hacked into a very prestigious private school, downloaded a copy of their study plan for the advanced programme and gave it a few personal touches, so I think I'm on the right track."
"Advanced for which age?"
"The oldest students, but it doesn't matter. My children should be able to do at least that; I won't accept less. They are capable and I'm their teacher and father, if they can't manage it, it'll reflect badly on me."
And Mori won't like that, goes unsaid. They both hear it, though.
There's a beat of silence.
A frustrated grunt comes from the living room. Ryuu-chan must have gotten to the second paragraph, then.
"I'm trying my best, Chuuya. Can't fuck them up too badly, or they'll suffer later in life. And I can't shield them, either, or the mafia is going to swallow them whole. How do I make them tough, but happy?"
It's a genuine question. Chuuya doesn't have an answer. He gets up, though, and walks until he joins Dazai on the windowsill.
"I think this is the most honest I've ever seen you be. What's gotten into you?"
Oda, truthfully. Or maybe, if he were willing to dig a little deeper, the hope that by doing something good for once he might feel the spark kind people seem to carry around in his own soul. Maybe, find something warm to counteract the coldness of No Longer Human.
And he might feel a little bad, that he's experimenting with goodness using two innocent children to test himself- if he were anyone else. He might come to regret painting two targets this big on his back, or taking the highlighter that is his attention and coloring both siblings as people of interest to all his enemies- but he always calculates probabilities and priorities when making a choice, and he thinks the reward might be worth the risk. The chance of feeling something, of finding something that makes living in this wretched body somewhat more bearable-
"Fatherhood is a strange thing", he says instead, resisting the urge to pick at his bandages. He thinks Chuuya understands what he's not saying more than if he tried to put it into words, though.
"And what about them?" He asks, proving once more that he sees inside Dazai clearer than even Mori, with all his scalpels, ever could. And that he's a way better person that he could ever be, concerned for kids who have nothing to do with him, and their teen guardian who doesn't really deserve such care.
Chuuya's kindness is his Achilles heel. Dazai knows he ought to cover that up, or toughen the skin there- make his partner devoid of exploitable vulnerabilities.
For some reason, he can't make himself do it.
"Like I said, I'm the best option they have. So maybe I'm not being selfless, and maybe I have personal, secondary motives for taking them in- but if I do good by them, give them a better life than they were bound to have without my interference, isn't that enough?"
Chuuya sighs, arms crossed.
"I guess. It's a little like me having Ane-san, at any rate, and it doesn't get better than that in the mafia."
Its how Chuuya says 'fuck it, we'll do this your way'. He's used that exact phrase multiple times during missions when Dazai's carefully constructed plans had to be slightly tweaked with, and had thus decided to wing it.
"So, you'll help? I can manipulate you so you have no choice but to do it, if that's easier."
His partner snorts. "What do you need from me?"
"...how are your babysitting skills?"
_____________________
The next day comes, and Dazai drops the brats at his place with a flourish. He's very dramatic, throwing his arms around them both, wailing that he'll miss his 'babies' and they better give Chuuya hell. Fussing over the stoic boy and doting on his shy (brother? Sister?) sibling, fixing a coat's lapel here, pinching the edge of a facemask there - it's so weird seeing Dazai (cold and shrewd motherfucker that he is) acting like that, even if it's half for show.
The next second, though, he's on his feet, hands behind his back like a general standing in front of his army. He reminds them, in his dangerous Executive voice, to behave, do their assigned homework/training and (looking straight at the oldest) don't try to fight Chuuya.
He doesn't bother getting up from the couch (it's his free day, after all, and Dazai had showed up at ass o clock) to see him off, just raising a hand with a particular finger up when his partner throws a 'please die before I return, Chuuya dear' his way.
It's blissfully silent for a few minutes after Dazai leaves. Then, the steps begin.
Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and-
"You can pace by the door all you want, kid, he's not coming back quicker."
The oldest (Ryuu-chan, the bandage waster called him) glares at him, but dutifully follows his (Gin-chan was a girl's name, right? Or was it too old fashioned to think that?) sibling, sitting by the coffee table opposite to Chuuya's spot on the couch.
Silence again.
"So… breakfast?"
More silence.
Fuck, he's not used to this- having people in his space. The Flags meet at the bar, and whenever he breaks in, the mackerel is such a nuisance that he doesn't feel the need to entertain him as a guest. He's not cut for hosting, despite all of Ane-san's training, or babysitting-
"Uhm. What's breakfast, Nakahara-san?"
Oh, Gin had a very quiet voice. Not helping him figure out how to refer to them-
Huh?
"Huh? What do you mean?"
Both kids blink at him. Ryuu (was Ryuunosuke his full name?) even paused his glaring to look confused.
"We don't know what that is" the oldest sibling bites out. He still seems wary of Chuuya, but less so now that Dazai is not here and in 'danger'. It's disgusting how much he seems to care for a bastard who probably hasn't earned such adoration yet.
"Breakfast? The first fucking food of the day? I thought Dazai fed you guys?"
Gin blinks at him. They tilt their head.
"You mean… snacks? Dazai-san says we can have that before lunch if we want. Then he buys us lots of food to last until it's night time. He bought twenty tacos yesterday, ten for each of us."
Chuuya grits his teeth.
"Okay, fuck whatever homework he left for you. Imma teach you all about having a healthy lifestyle. Starting with meal times, food groups and regular sleeping hours."
"I thought people older than sixteen didn't need sleep, though? That's what Dazai-san said when Gin asked."
"...I'll also give you a crash course on how to wrangle that fucking trainwreck of a human being into fullfiling his basic human needs."
_____________________
By the time Dazai returned, brand new cast on his wrist after a "completely calculated" sacrifice move during the mission, Chuuya and the brats had… bonded. Somewhat.
They were still snot-nosed kids, don't get him wrong. But Gin was polite, and once Ryuunosuke put aside his apparently innate dislike for anyone not Dazai, he was okay too. And both were, like- Really eager to learn. More than any math homework their mentor had left them, they devoured Chuuya's lessons on cooking and housekeeping (thanks, Kouyou) like very eager sponges. Asking questions about nutritional value (after he'd explained what that was, of course) and, very transparently, what foods was certain bandage waster more likely to eat.
And so when Dazai came pick them up, looking worse for the wear and in dire need of a nap, Chuuya smiled privately as both kids excitedly told him about all their lessons, and how he HAD to try the crab soup Chuuya had taught them how to prepare
Being semi-forcibly sat on the table, holding a spoon over the not half bad soup, Dazai sent a betrayed glare his way. The bitch was literally allergic to taking care of himself.
…This actually seemed like apt punishment for using him as free babysitting, and a good way of keeping his dumbass partner from wasting away due to lack of food. Two targets, one bullet.
Maybe next time, he'll teach the brats how to put Dazai to sleep.
_____________________
What to do… what to do…
Dazai sighs, looking down at the papers in his hands.
From where she's sitting nearby, sharpening the sword Kouyou had so graciously donated, Gin-chan tilts her head to look at him.
"Is something wrong, Dazai-san?"
"Is there something wrong, Dad ", he corrects halfheartedly. "And no, dear. Just… a moral question."
A little ways from them, under the observation deck where they're sharing some tea, Ryuunosuke is doing his damned best to duck and roll out of the way of the paint guns tracking his movements. Hirotsu had been all too accommodating, offering half a dozen Black Lizard recruits to help with his charge's training; if, in exchange, Dazai would deign to do some paperwork.
The old man didn't play fair, but now he was kinda glad he decided to look at these reports.
Assassin king, huh. A little presumptuous. How many individuals must one take down before earning that title? Dazai kinda wants to compare numbers with that other, see who's more deserving of being murder royalty.
And looking into the… man's background and just who he had ties to, it was very obvious what his first targets were going to be. Because God forbid something not dramatic happened in the Mafia. Where were those times when all they had to worry about was counterfeit, money laundering, murder and alcohol?
He sighs again. Gin-chan is now looking directly at him, ignoring the screeches her brother is letting out as someone gets a clear shot at his ass with brown paint.
If this doesn't teach Ryuu-chan how to use Rashumon to protect himself, Dazai is gonna chuck him inside a cage with a tiger and let the situation sort itself out.
Back to the assassin thingie- An attack is inevitable. He makes a mental note to alert Mori. Chuuya… well, that's something he'll have to face on his own. A canon event, if you will.
Only question is, does he care enough to do something about the collateral damage?
Easy answer is no- the Flags aren't his friends, or subordinates. Piano man is getting a little more power than the other Executives will be happy about, since there are only five seats and all of them are currently taken. Dazai has nothing to fear on that front -Mori will rather kill him with his own two hands than lessen his workload. But everyone else? A war might break within the ranks… and that's just a headache Mori will most certainly dump on him to deal with.
Also, it'll be a good way to teach Chuuya about the danger of forming bonds and loving people, when mafia black dyes everything they touch. Dazai is man enough to admit he doesn't really wish Chuuya that much pain, but wouldn't it be worse to let him get even more attached and then lose his friends later on? Life has a way of making tragedies like that inevitable.
And yet…
"How so?" Asks Gin-chan, sword on her lap. She looks very eager to help, or at least hear him out, and he doesn't have the heart to shoot her down.
"Let someone suffer now by letting their loved ones die, or wait and see if they suffer even worse later."
She stays silent for a while, pondering his words. Other people might have hummed or drummed their fingers in that moment, but Gin's taken his assassin advice very seriously, so those inconsequential gestures and sounds are rarer by the day. And the more she talks the more people might recognize her voice as more feminine, so the less she does that, too. When it's not with him and Ryuu-chan, at least.
"Is there something in it for us? If you save them?"
Oh, she's asking the right questions. His little lady is becoming deadlier and deadlier, in more than one way. He hopes for the day a man will cut himself on her edges for daring to look too long.
"Not really…" But then, under them, something happens; Ryuunosuke coughs.
Its been a common enough occurrence that he's used to the sound by now. Getting medical help is not as easy as someone with his resources might have guessed, because Mori will know if he goes to anyone in the mafia and he'll sink his teeth on that show of vulnerability, and anyone outside the organization would ask too many questions. Question he can't reliably field for as long as any treatment might take.
But just as he hears it now, he's thinking of the Flags. He remembers Doc. And maybe his life, and the lives of those he considers his brothers in arms, might entice the good doctor into taking patient confidentiality seriously. Keep it all hush hush from Mori.
Didn't Oda mention something about getting his kids a Head Pediatrician?
And maybe… if they are useful like that, he might like to keep them all around. And then Chuuya wouldn't have to worry about them all dying in the future, because Dazai will simply not allow that to happen.
"You know what, babygirl, maybe there is. Say, how would you like to give the Slug a hand in a sticky situation he's gonna be falling into?"
Gin-chan brightens. Under them, Ryuu-chan screams in barely contained rage. Obviously, he'll have to put a pin on this form of training and return to it in the future, it's that funny.
"I'd love to!" She whisper-yells. "Nakahara-san is very kind to us!"
Well. There's that, then.
_____________________
Negotiating with the Agency under Mori's nose is, probably, the riskiest thing he'd ever do, and he jumps in front of moving trains for kicks.
Edogawa Ranpo takes one good look at him and raises his hand, stopping his Boss and their doctor dead on their tracks before they could actually hurt Dazai, or take the children at his back.
Not that they'd succeed in either; Gin and Ryuu would do unspeakable things to whoever dared lay a hand on Dazai (they were still in that "protect the princess" mindset, and never had one of Dazai's plans backfired so spectacularly ), and if anyone even thought of taking his children? Dazai himself would do even worse to them.
It was probably why the young detective does it, glasses catching on the light as he put them over his completely opened jade eyes. Like their leashes were being tugged, the simple gesture froze his co-workers.
Dazai was still counting the similarities between him and this Ranpo-san, adding tallies like little mental coins to a purse, when said man spoke, finally done reading whatever he had on Dazai's… everything.
"So… Yosano-sensei, huh?"
He truly lived to his reputation. One tally. The way the doctor in question didn't even blink at being so blatantly talked about also spoke of the trust she had in his abilities… make that two.
"In twenty minutes, yes."
"Not sooner?"
"Not without risking her, which I know you wouldn't allow."
A hum.
"It'll be cutting it a little too close."
"All the more reason to keep this meeting short."
He and the other man continued studying each other for a few beats, and Dazai was never more grateful for his baby face, as Chuuya called it, than right now; it's probably what kept the President of the ADA and their doctor at bay and patient, even beyond Ranpo-san's stalling gestures. Behind him, Gin and Ryuu remained perfectly still. He had trained them too well for them to twitch.
"I see."
And what's more terrifying, Dazai was sure the detective truly saw . What, exactly? Probably everything.
Another tally.
A nauseating thought, but at least it kept the negotiations short.
"A favor", he finally offers.
"Your goodwill for your partner won't stretch further than that, huh?"
"Even that much is a lot, from me."
"Won't your Boss mind?"
"You let me worry about Mori."
"Yosano-chan will have no contact with him", it wasn't a question, but a demand.
He nods. Not even he is cruel enough to expose Mori to the one victim that managed to escape him.
Another beat of silence. Akiko Yosano grips her medical bag tighter, obviously reading in between the lines and knowing she's needed. Dazai can't help but admire how her hatred towards the Port Mafia isn't heavier than her duty as a doctor; it is not often that something good triumphs over darkness, in his world.
"Very well, then."
_____________________
Chuuya flies off in a rage, leaving behind the wreck of the bar and dead Flags to pursue their murderer.
Except they are not quite dead yet, because Dazai is precise in his calculations like that. Even the one with half a body missing still has the most tenuous heartbeat, a flicker of electric signals on his brain, mostly leftover echoes of what it once was; and that's enough for the Angel of Death.
"Thou shall not die."
He leaves the good doctor to her work, and his children as bodyguards, and rushes after his grieving partner.
He still has so much work to do.
_____________________
In the end, Verlaine is escorted to headquarters (Dazai hopes getting a new prospective Executive will put Mori in a good enough mood to excuse him for his meddling, especially considering two of the ones he had just died; but he's not holding his breath for that), and Chuuya just kneels on the debris all around the decimated area. He looks lost, dried teatracks painting lines of pain on his dirty face, eyes far away as he processes the absolute madness he just went through, and all he's learned about his heritage.
It looks like he's trying really hard to reconcile the empathy he feels for Verlaine (for the man who cared so much for him that he betrayed his own partner to free him, who calls him little brother) with his grief for his lost friends (his team, his family ).
Now that it's finally the two of them, Dazai can drop his shoulders and relax. Gin had texted him a few minutes ago, saying they were on their way, and there's no more Assassin King to fight, so he makes his way to Chuuya. He has some cuts and bruises here and there, but his coat hides them well enough he won't have to worry about his children noticing anytime soon.
"Here", he drops a handkerchief by the boy's knee. Chuuya follows it with his eyes, still lost. "Clean your face, Ane-san would string you by your toes if she saw you like this."
The shorter mafioso doesn't react with violence, like he usually would. He just looks up to Dazai, spark gone from his usually fiery eyes.
For the first time since he sat with his daughter on that observation deck, the tiny voice on the back of his mind telling him it's dumb to put himself in debt to the detective agency, for people he doesn't even care all that much about… is silent. He's still a little bitter that he had to do anything at all, and wary of what Mori is going to do once he figures out he contacted Fukuzawa and his people.
But maybe all that is better than seeing that lost, defeated look on his tiny firework partner for any longer.
"Why are you looking so pathetic, Chibi? Come on", he grabs him by the arm, making him stand up so he can wipe his face himself with the sleeves of his coat, more to be annoying than cause he truly cared for cleanness.
Finally the other reacts, roughly shoving Dazai away. Rage is starting to win over the pain, and Dazai mentally urges Gin to hurry, because he's the only available punching bag within sight for Chuuya to let his anger out on.
"Shut the fuck up! You don't know anything! Leave me alone!"
Because he's not stupid, he takes a step back. And because he's still suicidal, he snorts.
"What kind of owner wouldn't help their dog?"
The punch is expected and, if he's being completely honest, also deserved.
That's okay. He'd rather have Chuuya angry than defeated.
"FUCK OFF! I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID HELP!"
Well, if that's not a cue he doesn't know what is. Perfect dramatic moment.
"Well then I guess I'll just re-kill your friends. After I went through all that effort to save them, too…"
The fist Chuuya had raised drops like a stone. Anger leaves his eyes just as suddenly as it flooded them, and he's a lost little kid again. This is way too many emotions happening in quick succession for Dazai to deal with. Pain, anger, confusion…
Thankfully, he hears the commotion approaching from the side, so there's the emotional cavalry coming to help.
"What…?"
Chuuya hears them too, and he turns so fast he almost breaks his neck to look in stupefied silence as the Flags run to them, Akutagawa siblings hot on their trail.
"Chuuya!"
"Kid!"
"Holy fuck, what kind of bomb detonated here?"
"You look like absolute trash."
"It's okay, we are okay! Are you?"
Disbelief blooms in azure eyes, then overwhelming relief. Yay, more emotions.
The young (they are sixteen, too young for the grief and responsibilities they got saddled with) mafioso crumbles in the arms of a (almost) good as new Piano man. Dazai is glad to see he got his money's worth with Yosano. She truly is a great asset, and he's kinda happy it's the detectives who have her instead of Mori.
He wouldn't have been able to use her, had she still been under the Boss's thumb.
"I thought… I saw you all… I….!"
"Yeah, that's a funny story, but the sad part is- you no longer get to have my bike, kid. Sorry for the false hope, but I'm gonna need it now that I'm alive again and all that."
Crying. The Slug is crying. Oh god, will the emotions never end?!
Chuuya's sobs are suddenly too personal to hear. Too vulnerable for Dazai to be allowed to witness them; he has a reputation of sinking his teeth in soft flesh like that.
Whatever, he's not needed here anymore. The Flags will fill Chuuya in on what happened, and if he's lucky, maybe the Slug will be grateful enough to do his chores or paperwork as a thank you.
He sighs, and turns to look at his children, swaddled around him like cute little ducklings, looking up with shiny eyes, waiting for praise.
He's always scarce when giving it, but this time he thinks it's warranted. Smiling as warmly as he knows how to, he raises both arms, dropping each of them around a frail pair of shoulders, his black coat covering them all.
"Well done, kiddies. Let's go home."
"Yes Dazai-san."
" Dad . Just for that, double training tomorrow. With the paint guns."
"But Father… "
"Being cute and correct won't save you from past mistakes, Ryuu-chan. Now come along little ducklings, we'll stop by uncle Odasaku's place on the way; Father wants to brag about doing a good thing to Oda."