Chapter Text
You pant, your breath heavy and raw in your throat. How is it that oxygen itself can feel like rugburn? Your unfocused eyes stare down at the ground. Something red is dripping onto it.
Blood, that’s right, from your nose. It takes a moment to pull your mind back into your body. You’re kneeling on the rooftop with a bloody nose, covered in numerous scrapes and bruises. A thick layer of sweat condenses on your skin. You wipe your forehead shakily.
Exhausted, beaten, you finally pull your head up, just catching a glimpse your brother’s receding back. He’s going back to your guys’ apartment. Guess he’s had enough of watching you staring at the ground, dissociating.
It reached a certain point (you’re not sure when exactly, maybe like age 15?) where you started dissociating from your body entirely during these rooftop battles. It makes it a hell of a lot easier than it was before, when you’d have to actively work to choke back tears while keeping up with his blows. Now, you’ve become almost robotic; the fighting machine Bro always wanted you to be. He must be so proud now.
Woah, okay that’s a bit too edgy of a thought now, slow your roll bucko.
You force yourself to stand with only minor extra pain, and even then it’s mostly because your legs fell asleep. Just a little while longer... You think to yourself. The thought isn’t as comforting as you wish it were. Mostly, it’s frustrating. God, you wish you could just fucking, teleport to the future. Time travel, or something. Skip all of this waiting around bullshit you have already been sick to death of since forever it seems.
Back in the apartment, Bro has already begun busying himself with his computer again. Neither of you acknowledge the other as you pass through.
You quickly check yourself in the bathroom mirror, patching up any actively bleeding scrapes and ignoring the rest. You’re an expert at this routine by now.
Flopping onto your bed, the exhaustion of the day lays into you like an overly attached mastiff. You’re not even sure what you did this time. Maybe it’s because you took that sword out of the wall in some vain attempt to clean shit up for once? He has so many, you’re not sure why it’d even matter. You don’t pretend to understand the inner machinations of his mind.
Your messenger app pings, providing you a much welcome distraction from this angsty maelstrom of cow manure you’re currently stewing in.
-- carcinoGeneticist began messaging turntechGodhead --
CG: HEY.
CG: ARE WE STILL...
CG: I MEAN.
CG: TOMORROW NIGHT, RIGHT?
TG: hell yeah man
TG: no need to act like such a nervous wreck dog chill out
CG: WOW, STRIDER. SUCH STELLAR FUCKING ADVICE!
CG: PRAYTELL: SHOULD I TAKE THIS CHILL IN PILL FORM OR IS IT BEST WHEN FRESHLY SPEWN FROM THE MOUTH OF AN OBTUSE ASSHOLE? SINCE YOU CLEARLY SEEM TO BE ADMINISTERING IT VIA THE LATTER METHOD.
TG: jesus youre not handling this shit well at all
CG: I
CG: YEAH, OK. SORRY.
CG: IT’S JUST STRESSFUL.
CG: ALL THIS
CG: SNEAKING AROUND STUFF.
TG: i mean im the one whos really sneaking around arent i
TG: you seem more scared than i am
CG: BECAUSE I’M *WORRIED* FOR YOU, JACKASS.
TG: aw
TG: dude thats so fucking gay
CG: WE’VE BEEN DATING FOR NEARLY THREE MONTHS.
TG: anyway ive said it before dont worry about it man
TG: i mean i highly doubt bro gives much of a fuck about what im doing anyway
CG: SEE, YOU SAY THAT, BUT THEN YOU *INSIST* THAT WE ONLY MEET UP IN DEFUNCT WAREHOUSES.
TG: hey that decrepit old building has charm dude
CG: YOU CAN’T SEE ME, BUT I AM NARROWING MY EYES AT MY SCREEN SO HARD I THINK I JUST BURNED A HOLE THROUGH MY PHONE SCREEN FROM PUNGENT SUSPICION ALONE.
TG: its just easier
TG: dont tell me you wanna sit down with your brother holding hands at the dining room table
TG: glancing at each other and gulping nervously as we shakily explain youve been letting me hit it from the back for the past three months and also you like dudes btw
CG: OH *GOD*.
TG: i know its horrifying
CG: THE WAY YOU WORD THINGS IS A BILLION TIMES WORSE.
CG: AND AS IF *YOU’D* BE THE ONE TO
CG: OK, YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVERMIND. NOPE. I’M NOT TOUCHING THIS CONVERSATION TOPIC WITH A 300 METER LONG POLE.
TG: wait what what topic
CG: ZIIIIP!
CG: YOU HEAR THAT? THAT’S THE SOUND OF BLISSFUL, SECRET-KEEPING SILENCE, BECAUSE UNLIKE *SOMEBODY* I CAN ACTUALLY KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ON CERTAIN SUBJECTS WE AREN’T READY TO DISCUSS YET.
TG: aw man dont be like that
CG: ANYWAY, IT’S NOT AS IF I’M AFRAID OF HIM OR ANYTHING HE’S JUST...
CG: OK THERE’S NOTHING *OUTRIGHT* WRONG WITH HIM, HE’S JUST REALLY, REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.
CG: IF WE ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AT THE DINNER TABLE TO TELL HIM ABOUT THIS, WE’D BE SIGNING OURSELVES UP FOR A SEVERAL HOUR LONG SPIEL ON HOW HE’S SO “SUPPORTIVE” WHILE ALSO GOING ON AND ON ABOUT EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL PROBLEM QUEER PEOPLE FACE.
CG: BECAUSE HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THIS PIVOTAL GLAND IN HIS BRAIN, YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT TELLS YOU WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE YOU’RE BEING INSENSITIVE?
TG: no offense but i dont think you have it either really
CG: OH FUCK OFF, LIKE YOU HAVE IT EITHER.
CG: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I THINK WE BOTH HAVE THEM BUT THEY’RE JUST... UNDERDEVELOPED?
CG: WHILE HIS IS A FACE ON A MILK CARTON.
CG: I ALREADY HAD TO DEAL WITH LISTENING TO HIM DRONE ON AND ON ABOUT ALL THE DELIGHTFUL LITTLE WAYS I’M GOING TO BE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST WHEN I CAME OUT TO HIM AS TRANS.
CG: TRUST ME, IT SUCKS.
TG: yeah i can see that
CG: HEY, UH...
CG: HOW *DID* YOU COME OUT TO YOUR BROTHER, ANYWAY? YOU’VE NEVER ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT IT.
CG: WHICH I MEAN, IT’S YOUR PRIVATE BUSINESS, SO I GET IT.
TG: oh dude i dont even know
TG: it happened pretty early on in my life
TG: he accepted it fast
TG: which to be fair i dont even think he even bothered trying to raise me as a girl at first
TG: maybe cause hes uncomfortable with feminity in general or some shit
TG: so the realization wasnt really that dramatic of a lifestyle change it was more of a
TG: “yo can i get puberty blockers”
TG: and he was just like “sure” and that was it
CG: HUH.
CG: SURPRISINGLY NICE OF HIM?
TG: think he was looking for an excuse to kick my ass harder
TG: and they say chivalrys dead
CG: GOD, IT’S JUST
CG: FUCKED.
TG: so were meeting up tomorrow night
TG: same time and same place
CG: YEAH.
CG: I’LL BRING MORE BLANKETS THIS TIME.
CG: WE ALMOST HAD TO SET UP AN IMPROMPTU OPERATING TABLE TO AMPUTATE OUR FROSTBITTEN EXTREMITIES LAST TIME.
TG: its fucked up that it gets so cold at night after nonstop broiling sunrays all day
TG: youre telling me i have to freeze my ass off after burning my tits clean off
CG: HEY, GETTING YOUR TITS BURNED CLEAN OFF DOESN’T SOUND SO BAD.
TG: yeah but my ass
TG: thats like my one good asset
CG: YOU *BARELY* HAVE ONE.
CG: AND ANYWAY, THAT’S JUST HOW IT GOES.
CG: LAW OF EQUIVALENT EXCHANGE OR SOME SHIT.
TG: dude did you just
TG: make an anime reference
CG: WHAT? THAT’S THE FIRST LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS.
TG: no thats like
TG: you cant create or destroy energy only alter it
CG: OH MY *FUCKING* GOD.
CG: TEREZI JUST KEPT SAYING IT.
CG: I ASSUMED IT WAS AN ACTUAL REAL LIFE CONCEPT NOT A *FUCKING ANIME REFERENCE*!
TG: hahahahaha
TG: dont take anything tz says seriously you will regret it
CG: SHIT OK, I HAVE TO GO NOW ACTUALLY.
CG: EATING OUT WITH MY FAMILY.
TG: oh damn good luck
CG: I’LL TEXT YOU TOMORROW.
TG: aight bye
-- carcinoGeneticist ceased messaging turntechGodhead --
-- carcinoGeneticist began messaging turntechGodhead --
CG: <3
TG: <3
-- carcinoGeneticist ceased messaging turntechGodhead --
You exhale. Tomorrow night.
***
You prefer to wait until around 10 P.M to make dinner. This isn’t because of your fucked circadian rhythm, but because your Bro tends to leave the house at this time to do God knows what. You’ve pondered following him to solve the mystery, but you always decide in the end it’s not one you really care to figure out.
You clear off a section of the counter, slap a pan on the stove and turn up the burner. You’re no Gordon Ramsay, but making eggs and toast is fairly easy.
Getting a job was probably simultaneously the worst and best thing to ever happen to me, you think to yourself, buttering the pan and then toasting some bread in it. It fills your time with something to do and gives you the resources necessary for a few personal groceries and effects (like, pans and shit). But then there’s also the exhausting fact that it is... well, work.
As a younger teen, you used to fantasize about packing your bags and purchasing a bus ticket to nowhere as soon as you got your first paycheck. A few minutes of Googling however made it clear that nomadic travel isn’t exactly sustainable or safe. Much as your current situation sucks, at least you’ve managed to carve out something somewhat sustainable over the years.
At least, she might give me an out. You crack three eggs and scramble them in the pan. Speak of the devil, your phone begins ringing. One glance at the caller ID tells you Rose is calling. You put her on speaker.
DAVE: careful now youre on speaker
DAVE: so dont go screaming my social security number or anything
DAVE: my neighbors are pleasant but were not quite on that level relationship-wise
ROSE: Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, Dave.
ROSE: How can I leak the information you still oh-so stubbornly refuse to tell me?
The eggs are done. You scrape them onto your plate as you respond.
DAVE: right my mistake
DAVE: forgot we hadnt yet reached the part where i reluctantly hand over all my personal details to the strange woman claiming to be my long lost sister
ROSE: Yes. There are rules and regulations to this sort of thing.
ROSE: I’ll refresh you. Currently, we are still in the “talking” phase, where you, uncertain yet lonely, are slowly warming up to my oddly aloof yet charming demeanor.
ROSE: Though you near the much anticipated relinquishment of your reasonable doubt, you aren’t quite there yet.
ROSE: However next phase, I will be expecting your full credit card information.
DAVE: oh shit guess i better mentally prepare myself for that
ROSE: You sound tired.
DAVE: well it may come as a surprise
DAVE: but living with a grownass man who full heartedly identifies with jigsaw is a little exhausting sometimes
ROSE: Right, yes.
ROSE: Speaking of living situations, I have an update on that.
You can hear Rose’s smile over the phone as she says this, shuffling vaguely through some paperwork. The sound of it involuntarily tugs at the corners of your own mouth. Ordinarily, if someone were to call you claiming to be a long lost sibling you would’ve blocked them immediately. But when Rose did it weeks ago, she seemed so familiar. You had to hear her out.
ROSE: So, the landlord has actually agreed to let you into the lease.
You feel your chest swell like a balloon.
DAVE: wait for real
ROSE: It was quite likely he’d agree.
DAVE: yeah i mean
DAVE: ok well i know you said hed most likely agree before and all that i guess i was just preemptively assuming that something would go wrong here but
DAVE: damn ok
ROSE: He was quite generous about it, actually.
ROSE: Surprising as landlords are not known for their magnanimity.
ROSE: But he agreed to give it a few months, enough time for you to get a new job here, before he starts pestering you about paying.
Her talk of the technicalities goes through one ear and out the other, as real, pure hope races through you. You’re actually going to New York to live with Rose and her girlfriend. You’re actually leaving this shitty place, after so long.
And yet, something else nags at you, a pin hovering near that balloon’s surface.
ROSE: Dave, are you listening?
DAVE: no sorry
DAVE: kinda zoned out there
DAVE: hey thanks for everything really
DAVE: seriously i cant believe
DAVE: like this whole situation is genuinely the type of fantasy thatd run through my head when i was 13 wide awake at 1 am
DAVE: its so fucking unreal
DAVE: ok i WAY fucking overshared there now too damn
ROSE: Dave. It’s alright.
ROSE: Honestly, I should be the one thanking you for hearing me out that day.
ROSE: It wasn’t my best moment.
DAVE: nah you were fine
DAVE: i was a fucking asshole
ROSE: Well,
ROSE: Okay, you were.
ROSE: But that’s to be expected when everything about the world you thought you understood, facts of your life you’ve run through your head oft enough to polish into luster, is brought into question.
DAVE: yeah i guess
DAVE: i dunno i trust you now though
DAVE: and i think i should apologize for having thrown my distilled assholery in your face like some non consensual clown face pieing
ROSE: If it eases your mind, apology accepted.
DAVE: damn
DAVE: im really going to new york
ROSE: You really are.
ROSE: As soon as you’re able to purchase a plane ticket, anyhow.
DAVE: right
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: ok i have to uh
DAVE: go and eat eggs
ROSE: ...At 10:20 P.M?
ROSE: I sincerely hope that you kick this habit before you properly move into our apartment.
DAVE: oh i dont know rose
DAVE: when it gets this late at night the eggs just start calling my name
DAVE: its nigh impossible to ignore the call of breakfast food
ROSE: Perhaps I should look into local psychiatry offices as well.
ROSE: Goodnight, Dave.
DAVE: night
You hang up. You don’t pay the growling of your stomach or the plate of freshly made eggs and toast much mind, as you need a second to silently freak out.
It’s wonderful. Objectively, it’s the best thing that’s happened to you in ages. Except... Karkat.
The balloon pops, and not even in a satisfyingly explosion; no, more like a sad, pitiful deflation.
There’s no way you can’t take this opportunity. There’s no way you can just go “welp, thanks for all the help and consideration Rose, but actually I’m just gonna skip out on this whole rescue mission!” just for Karkat. At the same time, you can’t leave him behind either. You’ve known each other for years. He’s been there for you for years. You don’t even know if you’d be... well, at least you wouldn’t be as well off as you are now.
Your heart gives a painful little squeeze as you realize tomorrow’s meeting is going to have a very, very different tone than what you’d anticipated.