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It's easier to forget.
Maybe then he’ll be able to continue on without the impending doom looming over his shoulders. Doom was a harsh word to use considering he should be happy to be alive. And yet, he couldn’t find himself smiling. How could he smile? It didn’t make sense for him to smile when he lost the very thing that kept him going in life.
He didn’t deserve to be happy.
It’s his fault his only surviving family member is dead.
Genya’s gone because of him.
“I don’t want…you to die. Because…my Nemi…is the nicest person in this world…”
The very words bleed through his mind. The very words that clutched his heart. It felt as if he was being stabbed. He would’ve preferred to be stabbed than think of Genya’s final words. He couldn’t ignore Genya’s words, not when they keep him awake at night.
Despite everything, Genya still loved him. He still looked for him. Sanemi wanted to yank his hair and scream. Why couldn’t Genya just leave? Why couldn’t he save his little brother? Why did Genya have to join that fight? Why? Why? Why?
‘It’s because of you.’
The little words whispered, venom lacing the tone. All reminding him that this is his fault. It was his fault.
‘You said you had no brother.’
His words twist against him. It laughed, mocking him. Genya was there because of him. Genya always followed his Nemi. Genya could never hate him…his baby brother was just the same as he was when they were younger. Always trailing behind his older brother. It was impossible for Genya to hate him or for Sanemi to hate him. Genya was his little brother.
He promised he’ll protect Genya. That he’ll never let a demon hurt Genya…and he failed. His hands felt sore…even with the aching physical pain he felt, none of it could compare to how it felt to hold his crumbling brother. How he begged the gods not to take his little brother away. He was willing to give away his life with fucking second thought if it meant Genya could live.
Sanemi choked on the tears. No matter how much he tried to shove the thoughts. He couldn’t ignore the memories, not when they haunt his dreams.
Dreams?
Sanemi didn’t deserve to dream. He didn’t deserve to sleep well when he’s the reason Genya’s gone. Genya’s death continued to replay in his mind. Even when he didn’t dream of Genya, he could always see Genya…fragments that reminded him of his brother.
“I love sleeping! When I sleep, I don’t feel hungry.”
The very memory came up when he saw Nezuko Kamado when she spoke to him after the battle. He only offered a genuine smile before walking away. He ignored the annoying blond-haired kid that was lurking around the corner. He didn’t feel like dealing with that kid.
The days that followed afterwards, Sanemi couldn’t find himself feeling angry. Everything felt numb to him. It was hard to feel anything. A part of him wishes he could feel something instead of this numbing sensation.
Because it felt as if he was dead.
Even then, that would’ve been so much better.
How could he feel anything when his reason of living is gone.
Genya was his world.
Everything he did was his little brother. He wanted Genya to live a full life. A life they couldn’t have. To have the chance to grow old unlike their younger siblings. Sanemi didn’t care if that didn’t involve him. He would protect Genya, make sure no demons headed his way.
He didn’t fucking care that he was being mean and cruel, shoving his only living family member away. He didn’t care if Genya hated him. He didn’t care that the other slayers thought wrongly of him. Being hated was never his concern, all he cared about was Genya having a better life.
At least, Genya would’ve been alive.
Even if it didn’t include him.
It’s funny…it’s cruel how life wanted him to suffer.
Everything he did was for nothing.
“And you’re okay to leave,” a voice interrupts his thoughts. Sanemi snapped out of his thoughts, gazing at Aoi. This was his final check-up. Sanemi wouldn’t have bothered to come if it was for her almost sending the brats to come and get him. She was stern and stubborn.
It reminded him of her predecessors.
“Thanks…” Sanemi trailed off after she finished explaining the following medications he’ll have to take. They sat in silence for a second before she asked.
“Mr. Shinazugawa…are you okay?”
Sanemi wants to laugh, but his body reacts with a nod. “I’m okay.” Aoi seemed hesitant to accept the answer. She taps her pen against the clipboard. “Shina…Sanemi, you can talk to us…You have people who care about you.” Aoi offered. She sat there waiting for Sanemi to accept. To accept the fact that there were people who still cared deeply for the former Wind Hashira.
Instead, Sanemi sets his hand on her hair, softly ruffling. “Thank you, but I’m okay.” With that, he exited Shino–her office. Aoi stared at the closed door.
Her grasp tightens around the clipboard. It’s been 2 months since the final fight. Everyone…everyone has at least lost someone dear to them. Genya was one of them. She’s heard of the former words of the fallen slayers. How the Wind Hashira denounced his younger brother.
She was furious for how cruel Sanemi treated his brother. Instead, she couldn’t feel anger now. She knew how it felt to lose those close. She lost the very person who showed her everything, who helped her grow as a person.
Shinobu’s death…broke her. To hear her death felt as if she was dying. Even after the battle, everyone went through the remains to try and find the fallen bodies of their comrades to give them a proper burial.
Except…there was no body to bury when it came to Shinobu, Muichiro…and Genya.
Nothing could be found.
Aoi pushed herself to keep going. She tried to find a reason to smile just like Shinobu…just like Kanae.
And yet, at this moment, she couldn’t smile.
Not when the former Wind Pillar looked as if dying was a much better choice than living.
“Shinazugawa!”
Sanemi stops, snapping out of his thoughts. He glanced back to see Giyuu approaching him. He didn’t notice the former pillar was at the Butterfly Mansion. Still, it was weird to see Giyuu show more than his deadpan expression. He stops to see what the former Water Pillar wants.
“I…I wanted to ask if you want to come with me to visit the burials,” Giyuu asks. Sanemi moves his arms, crossing them. The mere mention of the burials made the bandages felt too fresh despite it being almost two months since the final battle. He’s already removed all of them since leaving Aoi’s office. However, his mind focuses on Giyuu’s offer.
Genya’s face bleeds in his mind.
Visiting the burials meant…seeing Genya’s stone. He…He couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to see Genya.
He turns away from the former Water Pillar. “I…I rather not.” He doesn’t explain himself as he walks away. He knows Giyuu isn’t going to follow. They may be on proper good terms, but it doesn’t mean they’re best friends.
Either way, he didn’t deserve to have friends. He didn’t deserve to have people by him…especially the ones who care about him. He’ll just end up getting them killed.
Sanemi doesn’t bother to look back to see if Giyuu is even standing there. It wasn’t like he was going to care.
As he walks down the path to his former estate, his mind was no longer. He couldn’t shake away the concern Aoi had showed him. How she could see through his broken facade. He finally sinks to the ground, moving a hand to his mouth to muffle his sobs.
“Why?” His shoulders trembled. Why did the world have to take away his only living brother? What did he do to deserve this?
Why could he just have died instead?
Why did it have to be Genya?
The vivid memories could never leave him. No matter how much he screamed, Genya couldn’t hear his words. Even in the end, Genya loved him. His little brother never thought wrongly of him. Genya followed his footsteps, because he wanted to apologize for what he said.
Sanemi didn’t care about what Genya said back then. He would do it again if it meant saving Genya’s life.
He wonders if things would’ve been different if he accepted Genya’s apology. He wonders if things would’ve been different if he didn’t abandoned Genya. Maybe…he could’ve done more.
And yet, he was selfish.
He kept Genya away because it was safer, but it only made Genya follow him. Joining the demon slayer Corps to make amends.
In the end, Sanemi was the one who led Genya to his death. Nothing could change that.
Sanemi spent that whole night crying.
He knew no one would hear his cries.
After all, he’s all alone.
The bottle of sake seemed much more appealing.
A part of him hopes it kills him.