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Shidou stared ahead at the street ahead of him, brightly lit by a row of street lamps. Specks of white fell from above as he trudged through the thick layer of snow below. Beside him was Kazui, sniffling as he held Shidou’s hand.
“You okay, Shidou-kun? You should’ve brought your hat, your head’s covered in snow,” the other huffed.
“It’s fine… it’s only a few minutes until we’re home, anyways,” he mumbled through his scarf.
“C’mon, your ears are red,” he yanked his own hat from his head and pulled it down onto the younger man’s, “There. Isn’t that better?”
“Now your ears will get cold, though…”
“Bah, whatever. I’ll live.”
Shidou pouted, adjusting the hat while Kazui chuckled and pulled him closer. Despite how cold it was, Shidou was unaffected, finding the weather to be rather nice. He’d always liked the winter; the snow was pretty, winter desserts were now in-season, and he had all the more reasons to be closer to Kazui for warmth.
Kazui, on the contrary, didn’t seem particularly fond of the cold. He claimed it made him feel more sluggish than usual, or that it was always way too cold to get out of bed in the morning. At the very least Shidou could testify for the last remark, considering the older man had been clinging on to him and complaining.
“Ah, right, I bought some mikan the other day.”
“Oh, did you?”
“They were half-priced. I might’ve bought too many, though…”
“Hm. Well, you need to eat more, anyway.”
“… You’re still going on about that? You don’t need to worry so much, I’m eating properly now,” Shidou mumbled, “Still, you’ll help me eat them, right?”
“I don’t really have much of a choice, do I?”
Shidou smiled to himself, leaning closer to the older man, “Fufu… I can peel them and feed them to you, if you’d like.”
“Huh—? Uhm, I—” he stammered, suddenly swiveling his head to the side, “Oh, look, a vending machine…!”
The older man trudged over to the brightly lit machine, dragging Shidou along with him. Shidou followed Kazui’s eyes as they skimmed over the available selection. After some time, the older man pushed the button for corn soup, squatting down to retrieve his drink and change. Shidou dug through his own pockets and fished for his wallet.
“Did you want one too?”
“Ah… yes.”
“Here,” Kazui handed him a few coins.
Shidou quietly thanked him with a small smile—half obscured by his scarf—and inserted the coin. His finger hovered around, examining his selection carefully before finally choosing and pressing a button. He knelt down to retrieve his drink, feeling the heat seep past the fabric of his gloves, warming up his fingers.
“Tea, huh?”
“Yes, it’s good…” he held the bottle close to his face, closing his eyes against the subtle warmth, “Winter is always great when it comes to drink selection, don’t you agree?”
“Hm… well, maybe. I’m not so big on winter in general, though. It’s too cold, I always freeze my ass off…” Kazui trailed off, flinching as Shidou shoved his drink towards his cheek.
“There.”
“Ah, right, right, thanks, Shidou-kun.”
Kazui smiled, patting his head with one hand and squeezing Shidou’s hand with the other as they started back on their walk. Kazui opened his can, taking a small sip and relishing the relief of warmth he felt. Shidou followed suit with his own drink, uncapping it and taking a sip. The older man chuckled as he stuck out his tongue, muttering that his drink was too hot.
As they continued on, Shidou abruptly stopped and glanced to his side. He stared into the park they were walking next to—one that they regularly frequented—eyeing something that had randomly caught his attention. Kazui noticed him pause, turning his head.
“What’s up, Shidou-kun? Did you see something?”
“No… I just saw a bench and thought it’d be nice to sit there, maybe.”
“Maybe… at least, if it were warmer,” Kazui huffed, “Seriously, aren’t you cold?”
“Not really. It’s fine though, we should be heading home anyway.”
Shidou looked away, yet unable to continue as the older man now stood still. He appeared deep in thought.
“Ahh, well, I mean… I wouldn’t mind, actually.”
Shidou turned to look at him, “What? But you just said—…”
“Ehh, I just randomly thought of something. It’s a bit stupid, though.”
“Huh? What is it?”
But the older man said nothing more, gripping his hand and taking a turn into the park. Shidou felt concern rise within him. An instinctive response, really; especially with someone like Kazui. Kazui, who continuously worried over every single thing regarding their relationship, constantly being insecure over himself. Even after he would reassure him that everything was all right, it just seemed that his anxieties were neverending. At the very least he seemed aware and was trying to improve. Stuff like that takes time, I suppose. I should know that best.
Shidou gave him a puzzled look as he realized they had long walked past the bench he had pointed out. The dim lamps weren’t enough to fully illuminate their path, finding it necessary for him to walk closer to the other man. Finally, they stopped at a random bench, only the sound of them catching their breaths. Kazui walked over, wiping snow off the bench, before sitting down. Shidou sat beside him, flinching as Kazui drew him closer by the waist and leaned up against his head.
“Kazui, is everything alright…?”
“Hm? Yeah, why?”
“We didn’t need to go this far.”
“Oh—right. Sorry. I just… I… jeez, it feels embarrassing to say…”
“You can tell me, I’m sure it isn’t.”
“I… I just thought we rarely do stuff like this. Not going to the park, necessarily; we’ve done that plenty. But… I guess, sitting like this. Together.”
“Oh.”
Shidou felt his cheeks slightly heat up. The large physique and guttural voice of Kazui clashed against how timid he looked, shying away and averting the younger man’s gaze. How cute, he thought to himself, looking down at the bottle in his hand.
The other fiddled with his own drink, focusing intently on it, “I-I know it’s my fault, really, that we don’t get to do this stuff normally. I just… still feel weird. I know you tell me it isn’t, and you’re probably—no, you are right, but… I dunno.”
“Kazui…”
“Argh, sorry. I just sound like an idiot now, hah.”
Shidou planted a kiss on his cheek, warm against his cold lips, resting his head on his shoulder. He smiled as the older man looked away, flustered.
“Fufu… You surprise me sometimes, with how sweet you can be… Don’t worry so much. I know you’re trying your best, and that’s all that matters to me.”
“Ah, uhm, I… Well, it’s really the least I can do… You’re the sweet one here…” Kazui mumbled, staring at his feet before looking back at him, “I love you, by the way… I feel like I don’t say that enough.”
Shidou felt his face burn more, eyes glued to the older man. Kazui gave him a knowing look, prompting him to lean forward. The kiss was soft as their lips glided together. He was gentle as always, so tender… it left Shidou wanting more. He leaned in closer, deepening the kiss as he lightly bit Kazui’s lip and pushed into his mouth. He sighed blissfully, their tongues melting against each other.
Kazui squirmed, one hand tightly gripping the sleeve of the younger man. His other hand eventually forgot about the can he was holding, dropping it and reaching over to grip his other sleeve. The can fell onto the bench, before rolling down and hitting the snow. Kazui noticed, pulling away.
“Ah, I’m sorry, your drink…” Shidou muttered.
“I-It’s no worries—I was almost finished anyways,” the older man leaned down to pick up the can, setting it to the side to throw out later.
“You consider half full to be almost finished?”
“Well, I mean, it’s halfway finished, which is pretty much almost finished, right?”
“… If you say so. Why don’t I buy you another one?”
“There’s really no need, Shidou-kun.”
“It’s fine—”
“Can we—” he sharply inhaled, blushing as he mumbled, “Can we continue…?”
Shidou stared at him, surprised, a coy smile forming on his face, “… Sure. I didn’t expect you to be that eager.”
“Oh, shut up…”
Like magnets, the two connected once again. Thank god for it being nearly 10 p.m., otherwise they’d never have done something so intimate outside, let alone sit next to each other in the park. It was in a way amusing, to think that they’d been in a similar situation; the only difference being that in broad daylight there was a sizable gap between them at all times.
It was fun to see the older man squirm around when he’d tried to hold his hand or hug him in public, so conscious of (usually) non-existent stares. But he couldn’t lie; it bummed him out more than a few times when he refused to be affectionate with him. He respected his wishes, of course, and knew that took time. But more often than not it’d leave him craving intimacy from the other while at home. So the irony in their current situation made Shidou smile to himself.
Kazui desperately clung to him, scrunching up the fabric of his jacket and letting out soft groans. Shidou obliged, feeling his face flush, trying to reciprocate the same amount of ardor back. Eventually, he began falling backwards whilst dragging Shidou with him, until he hit his head with a loud thunk.
“Gah—! Shit, ow, ow…”
Shidou let out a laugh, “… Did you forget where we were for a second?” He brushed his hair from his eyes, stroking his cheek, “Are you alright, though? I should’ve been more careful.”
“Agh, yeah, don’t worry… this old man was just being an idiot as usual. Sorry for ruining the moment.”
“Not at all… we should probably continue this at home.”
“A-Ah, I guess we could…”
The two sat there, silently looking at each other. Shidou then realized he was still on top of the other, scrambling off and apologizing. Kazui only laughed, grunting as he sat up and got back to his feet. The doctor stared off into the distance, the vast darkness stretching in front of the path before them and beyond. The dim lamps scattered about illuminated the snow, which he oddly found solace in.
“Did you wanna walk a bit more? I don’t mind, the both of us are off tomorrow, right?”
“Ah, sure, if that’s alright…”
Shidou happily took Kazui’s hand to hold and began to walk. He stayed close to the older man’s side, leaning against his shoulder. Kazui gave a weary smile, squeezing his hand.
“What’s with all the lovey-doveiness?”
“I’m just appreciating your presence.”
“You’re usually not this… gushy.”
“And you’re usually not this compliant.”
“Ah… err. Right.”
Shidou smiled, “I’m simply taking advantage of our limited time together. Ah, but you know, wouldn’t it be nice to walk like this more often? Like jogging in the morning and whatnot. I’m sure we could schedule something like that.”
“Ehh, maybe. I dunno how I feel about needing to wake up early in the morning…”
“I see… Well, it’s just a suggestion. We don’t need to do it.”
“Oh, uhm, w-well, if you wanted to we could. I just, y’know, suck at getting up. Plus, doesn’t your work start in the morning?”
“Ah, well, it does. But I could always request to switch to night shifts.”
“But then we wouldn’t be able to see each other in the evening. It already gets lonely when you work later than usual… hah, sorry, I keep complaining…”
“Fufu, it’s nothing I’m unfamiliar with.”
“Eh? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Hm, nothing, nothing— Ah, hey—! Really, it was nothing—” Shidou felt a snowball hit him, watching it crumble from his shoulder to the ground. Kazui seemed to have let go of his hand, crouching down as he began to make another. The younger man felt a small smile creep up his face, beginning to run away as Kazui stood back up.
And so there they were, two grown men playing in the snow. Shidou laughed as he watched Kazui behind him scramble to gather snow and throw it towards him as he ran. His legs eventually gave out, though, with one foot tripping over the other as he toppled below into the snow, face first.
He laid still, his face beginning to numb from the burning sensation of snow. Footsteps soon grew closer and closer before he felt a hand flip him over. He couldn’t help but smile—he was doing that an awful lot—looking up at the older man. His face was ever so clear, even in the dimness of the night. He took a breath—more likely because he was still recovering from their chase, but his eyes were transfixed on how oddly pretty Kazui was.
The older man reached out a hand to help him up, but Shidou only dragged him down. For a second he regretted it as the full body weight of the older man squished him, crushing the wind out of him. He lightly shoved his chest, prompting him to roll over, lying down in the snow beside him.
Kazui turned his head to look at him, hair caked in snow, sniveling as his nose began to run. The other stifled laughter, turning on his side and reaching over to brush the snow from his head.
“Err… you don’t need to do that—Oh, wait…” the older man shivered, grabbing his hand but pausing, before pushing it closer to his face.
“Hm? What’s with you all of a sudden?” Shidou tilted his head.
“Your hand—it’s still warm from your drink… Actually, I should be asking you that question instead.”
“Is the snow not nice? It feels nice. Refreshing. I can feel myself relaxing already.”
“Are you sure that’s not just hypothermia or whatever?”
“Oh, please,” Shidou giggled, lightly elbowing him.
The two then lay silently, staring up at the clouds, the sky, the moon. The tree branches that were bleak and uninviting during the day were now but mere silhouettes, reaching upwards. His breath condensed as he exhaled, reminding him of the cigarette smoke from all those times with Kazui on their balcony. Kazui, hm. Kazui. He always seemed to circle back to him. How could it not, though? He loved him; he truly did. Every waking moment with the other was so precious, he couldn’t bear the thought of being without the other.
Sleepless nights on a half-empty bed. The eerie silence within the hallway. Mealtimes feeling unbearable. Every day was so lifeless and cold until he met the other. It was a mystery to him, frankly. How he yearned for Kazui, and how Kazui yearned for him. He was everything.
A shiver ran up his spine. God, he really couldn’t bear the thought of being lonely again.
“… Hey, what’s up, Shidou-kun? What's on your mind?” Kazui suddenly spoke.
“Huh?”
“You have one of those pensive looks. Something’s on your mind, right?”
“Ah… uhm.”
Kazui looked at him knowingly—or he could sense he was. He wasn’t able to turn to face him, for some reason.
“I just… I wish we could stay like this forever.”
“Hm,” he could hear Kazui shift around, “Why couldn’t we?”
Shidou let out a choked laugh, “That’s… a silly question. There are lots of reasons… we’ll eventually die one day, for starters…”
“Huh. That’s a pretty depressing shift.”
“Maybe.”
Silence followed. Shidou swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.
“Hey, I…” he felt Kazui’s hand touch his shoulder, “I’m not planning on leaving you any time soon. Or, well, ever. If you’re worried about that”
“Ah, really…?”
“Yeah, really.”
“I see, I see… hah, I’m hopeless…”
“Eh?”
“… I love you, Kazui,” he turned and faced him, cheeks flushing red, “I love you so much, it hurts. I love you.”
Kazui’s face reddened, “J-Jeez, I, uhm, I love you too, Shidou-kun—”
“I love you… Please don’t leave my side.”
“I-I won’t… I won’t. I promise.”
Kazui reached over and cradled his face, leaning over to kiss his forehead. He then sat up, bringing Shidou up with him. He brushed off the snow from his jacket and scarf, ripping his hat from the doctor’s head and patting it before fitting it back on. Something about making sure his ears didn’t freeze off and not wanting either of them to catch a cold. The two stood up, Shidou clinging tightly to the older man’s hand.
“Oh, right,” Kazui shoved his hand into Shidou’s pocket, pulling out his tea, “Don’t forget about this. Warm up your hands a bit, or whatever.”
“… Thank you. Ah, wait, Kazui—you weren’t wearing any gloves? I could’ve sworn you were…” he grabbed the older man's hands, pushing his bottle up against his fingertips, “You need this more than I do, then. Don’t be so reckless… Your fingers could fall off, you know.” he teased.
“C’mon, knock it off…” Kazui grumbled
Shidou smiled, leaning against him. He leaned further as Kazui slipped his fingers under his hat and ruffled his hair, clasping his hand and shoving it into his pocket.
“Well then! No more mushy, sad talk for tonight, alright? Let’s see… Why don’t we watch a movie when we get home? Or… oh—we could eat some of the mikan you bought. I could go for a snack…” Kazui went on. Shidou nodded along, still staring at their concealed hands resting in the other’s pocket.
“Anything’s fine if it’s with you,” Shidou whispered.
“Is… that so?” Kazui mumbled.
Shidou simply nodded. Kazui looked away sheepishly, before turning back and giving his hand a hearty squeeze. He gently smiled. Shidou gave one in return.
“Then, let’s go.”