Chapter Text
It's been.....four days, since they'd left Dormont, now, and you have come to a very confident conclusion:
The Universe is a thinking thing. It has to be, for it to have devised such a hell for you.
All you wanted was to fade away. All you wanted was to say 'toodaloo Stardust, glad we settled this, off to never need to think about all this ever again' and vanish from the complications that came with...what came after.
Stardust was out. You...you could reconcile with your own failure, since they'd been so irritatingly reasonable about your attempted murder. It wasn't in the cards for you, because you'd been alone. Anyone in a first go-around of your situation might've been equally as doomed as you.
But it was over! Stardust had his little family, and you...you had less than an epilogue. A footnote. A little annotation at the bottom of the script to thank the gracious sponsor.
This was fine. You were tired. You were so, so tired.
Detachment could only get you so far before the emotional fatigue caught up to you, so...falling apart into light, thought leaving you...it seemed a fitting, merciful end.
And it was. For all of five minutes.
You
were still
here.
And no one, not you, not Stardust, not the blinding Universe itself, could justify or rationalize why. You'd just...popped back into existence, the inverse of a supernova if that was anything, as the victor rejoined the company that was his prize.
And...
They'd welcomed you with open arms. Nearly unfazed. 'Yay Siffrin how nice to meet your timeloop buddy, let's ask you a million invasive questions stranger-'
As if there was a single thing that they could ask that wasn't invasive. They were happy to have you there, and that was the worst part. Stardust wouldn't stop smiling.
You wanted to be happy for him. You wanted him happy! He deserved it! But being here, watching it all, it-
This wasn't yours.
So! Here you are, watching them from a distance in a tree as they finished their dinner without you. You couldn't eat, you'd tried. You couldn't sleep, you'd tried.
You couldn't run away-
YOU
HAD
TRIED.
All you do is try and fail.
At least, the faintest of bright linings, new company meant new people to bother. New inquiries to gleefully not answer. New riddles to give out. Any way to kill time was something you at least could choose for yourself, to pretend you still had a shred of autonomy.
You breathe, carefully, and watch as the supplies are put away. You see the Fighter put up some kind of Craft barrier around the campfire, nodding to himself, laughing bashfully when Stardust compliments him on it-
"Um, L-Loop?"
You redirect your attention to the voice, leaning forward on the tree branch but only enough to be able to sway your feet. "Yes, Housemaiden~?"
She smiles up at you with warmth, and were you not so jaded - were you more than a stranger to her - you'd say that warmth rivaled the campfire. "The tents are all set up, so you can...come to bed, if you'd like?"
Right. They'd bought an extra one. For you.
You laugh. "Charmed, but you realize my light would keep all of you awake if I slept down there!" You sneer, the idea absurd for a thousand reasons, but that one would be the hardest for her to argue with you about.
Indeed, her brow furrows, looking between you and the tent in what was probably mild embarrassment. "Oh, that's..."
"We could...put a tarp or something over your tent, maybe?" The Fighter suggests, scratching his head. "Do we have one of those?"
"I don't care if you're bright!! I can still sleep with a light next to me!! It won't matter!" The Kid insists.
Ugh. Talking to them in particular is frustrating because they're so stubborn when you redirect. Better make this good. "Hm, better not risk it, I'd say. If any of you are too tired, you have to stop early, and if you stop early too much, you'll take longer to reach your destination. You wouldn't want to keep your dear sister waiting, would you?"
Their expression shifts in a predictable direction. Pouting, crossed arms, like a regular child upset at an enforced bedtime and not a young savior being reminded of their one and only goal.
The Housemaiden sets a gentle hand on the Kid's shoulder, voice a little softer, but still audible to you. "Loop might be right, Bonnie. The better we sleep, the sooner we'll get to Bambouche. If...if they think not sleeping with the rest of us is helpful to you, we shouldn't be mad at them, right? They're just trying to help." A pause. "I-I think."
"But we bought them a tent. You're supposed to be nice and use presents people give you." They protest, grumpily.
Ha. Sure, you've used your gifts alright. Shoved the burning blinding gifts down your throat at the first sign of struggle-
"Are you sure, Loop?" Stardust speaks up, wringing their hands. "I've slept in trees before so I know it's not the worst but-"
"Quiet quiet, I'm fine! I have the other stars to keep me company, after all!" You cut him off with a wave. His concern is unwanted and unappreciated precisely because he's the only one here who knows enough about you to be concerned properly.
It's probably their fault you're still here. They don't get to be worried about you.
"Besides. Trees are familiar companions to me after how long you were, hm, you know? I'm just glad this isn't a Favor Tree." You finish, hoping it's final enough for him.
You'd like to get on with your insomnia, thank you~! Please stop delaying another sleepless night, Stardust~!
They frown at you, but seem to give up on arguing. "...if you say so. Good night, Loop." They reply with a wave, slipping into their tent without further commentary.
"Aw. Well, it's your decision." The Fighter remarks. "The tent'll be there if you ever change your mind!"
"I won't!" You reassure with exaggerated cheer.
He sighs, visible but not audible, and bids you goodnight as well, joining Stardust in their shared tent.
The Housemaiden and Kid do the same, Housemaiden gentle and Kid still pouting, but...
But the Researcher barely even looks your way. "Sleep well."
And she's gone.
Stars, you don't know what to do about her.
You'd expected her to interrogate you by now but she hasn't. The two of you have barely had even two conversations since you materialized in their midst. Everyone else was trying to include you and break the ice but she'd barely done either.
She watches you, oh stars does she watch. But she barely makes an effort to- no, not barely, it's no effort at all, she's not trying to learn a single thing about you.
It's madness. 'Researcher' may be a misnomer and you know that now but it's unnatural for her to have so little to ask.
You are visibly an absolute impossible anomaly! There's no way she hasn't noticed! You're probably made of Craft, Wish Craft even, if she wants to learn about that you are one of two whole people who could illuminate her.
But she's not even trying. Everyone else has learned through experience that you're not interested in sharing your personal information but she could so easily be asking impersonal things and she's not doing that either-
Why. Isn't. She. Trying?
You feel like you're going insane. You feel like she's doing this on purpose to rile you up.
Which, honestly, shameful on your part that it's working so well. You can't ever sleep so there's plenty of time for you to stew, you suppose, but still! She's not giving you anything to work with! How inconsiderate of her.
You...sigh. You need to force yourself to not think for a few hours. Before all of the looping, you think you'd spend time like this stargazing.
You've had enough of stars.
But still, you sit, leaning back against the tree trunk, willing yourself some brain silence, for what was probably a few hours. Occasionally you'd plucked a leaf or two from the branches and held it to your face until it caught fire, but otherwise you were just reclining there with your eyes shut. Extremely productive nothing time.
There's nothing else to do.
Nothing
to
do.
One of the tents opens.
You still, turning your head.
The Researcher....?
She had her hair down, and she wasn't wearing her glasses. Neither of those things were...common sights, and it draws your attention as you watch her.
She walks over to the campfire and sits on a log. Once there, she extends a hand towards the flame, holds it there for a few seconds, and then lowers it with a sigh.
And then...silence and stillness. The forest quiet aside from the crackling fire and occasional rustle of brush.
You fully admit that you're staring at her. She looked...well, technically speaking, this wasn't a new look by any means. If you strained to remember a time before your loops, you think you could place a time or two, late at night, where she'd looked like this.
But that was a thousand lifetimes ago, and this wasn't the same as seeing the clock tower sleepover through Stardust's eyes.
This...almost reminded you of simpler times. Before everything fell into an endless predictable pattern.
But it's not like you remember enough of those simpler times for them to even feel real.
So, yes, you were committing this look to memory anew. So what? It was rare, and maybe if she was...self conscious about her hair or something it could be ammunition later to get her to talk.
Well, no, you didn't want her to start pestering you, because she was the only one you think might be able to actually figure you out. But if there was a reason she wasn't trying to do that you'd like to pry that information out of her-
You realize....
She's looking at you.
You tense. You wait. She-
...raises her hand to wave in your direction.
..............what???
You stare, still as you can manage, until she lowers the hand.
Silence for a few moments, only the two of you and the ambience of the forest.
You.........should acknowledge her, right?? It's only the two of you awake, and...and she's actually going out of her way to acknowledge you for once.
This might be an opportunity.
In the interest of being quiet, and having plausible deniability should the gesture somehow not be intended for you, your reply is a questioning hum.
....she smiles, small. But it's a smile nonetheless. "You're awake, then?" She asks, voice soft and low.
Right. You hadn't explained to anyone that you, seemingly, couldn't sleep in any capacity. You being awake is neither new or unusual. Her, though...
"...I could ask you the same thing, Researcher." You reply, matching her volume. Not that you cared whether anyone else woke up....but you had yet to really be one-on-one with any of them yet.
This was new.
She hums back at you, and then stands. You watch, perplexed, chest tight, as she circles the fire towards you.
"Not accustomed to sleeping on the ground again yet." She says. "Figured I could check the Craft keeping the fire contained while I was awake."
Right. Her and her old lady bones. You watch as she sits, on the closest log to you that's there.
You wouldn't have let the fire escape containment, had the Craft barrier failed. If anything, you being out here and not in a tent designated you as...watch? You were pretty sure you did that before Dormont, because the danger warranted it.
It wasn't a conscious assignment, on your part or any of theirs. But you're out here, so you might as well be doing it. "If anything had happened to that, I would've taken care of it. Nothing else at all for me to do."
"...I will keep that in mind, then, for the future." She replies simply, and doesn't push further.
It. Is. So annoying that she doesn't ask any follow-up questions. You think you hate her. You think you want to strangle her, a little.
But she's not yours to hurt.
She's not yours to care about.
None of them are.
You watch her, wait, see if she has a single other thing to say.
But you're only met with further silence, and the sight of her staring into the fire.
Okay!! So she's not budging. Which means it is up to you to do something about the silent treatment.
You ponder whether the idea is a good one for a minute...but you've probably had worse ones, so you think this is a gamble that won't kill you.
You slide off your branch, and land on your feet with a soft thud.
Her head lifts, turning blindly in your direction. You must be nothing but a bright light to her eyes, right now. That's probably the only reason she has any idea where you are, in the dark without her glasses.
You startle as she pats the log, as if she's inviting you to sit with her.
....no, wait, that's exactly what she's doing.
Not yours.
You sit as far from her on the log as you can.
Somehow, she still finds it in her to smile at you. "Has your night been eventful, up in that tree?"
No way.
That.....that's probably the first actual question she's asked of you so far.
It shocks you, honestly, and your reply is reflexively pestering. "What? Finally you ask me something, and it's as stupid as that?" You inquire, letting out a faux gasp.
She exhales through her nose, as if amused at your aghast reaction. "We all start somewhere. Would you prefer I make different small talk?"
Small talk. Hilarious. "Frankly I'd assume you have more substance than that." You say, leaning forward a bit as you glare at her, which you're only comfortable doing so blatantly because you know she can't see you very well. "But what do I know."
You want to annoy her, taunt her, rile her up and push her buttons. It's what she deserves, being so...distant. You want to be upset by it, and you are, because all of the others are making an effort. And, sure, she hasn't gone out of her way to avoid you, really, but one of your f...travelling companions being more distant than the others...hurts.
You squash down any yearning before it can develop. Not yours.
You gave them up.
...if your attempt to get on her nerves works, she doesn't let it show. "If the question bothers you, I can continue to not ask anything. I simply assumed you were bored, up there, awake and alone."
"Hmph. What a stellar deduction. Is that assumption backed by evidence? Or are you simply content to assume many things about me?" You chirp, voice as aggressively cordial as you can make it.
She raises a brow, but then sighs. "Allow me to rephrase. It was more of a guess than an assumption. If you truly desire no company, I can take my leave back to my tent."
She makes to stand. Something like panic jolts in your chest. And...
She...stops, fixing you with a look.
What
What does that mean.
What does that look mean?
"...something on my face, Researcher?" You say, trying to sound casual, still.
She blinks at you, frowns, and sits again, this time a fraction closer to you. "You got brighter when I said that." She states.
Uhm uh-
what?
You breathe sharply. She's barely moved from her original spot but the distance between you feels scant, all of a sudden. "Did I, now." You say, only just composed enough to speak.
She nods. "You did."
"I see."
"Mhm."
Silence.
This is maddening.
"What were we. Talking about. Before that." You speak, hands gripping the log beneath you in a desperate attempt to not fidget.
Once more, that breath of a laugh. "Whether you wanted company or not, Loop. I am awake and doubt that will change soon."
You refuse to let your desperation shine through any brighter than it has already, so you force yourself calm. Figures you had a tell that she could notice even without her glasses. "What difference would it make, really?" You sigh. "Do what you like. It's not as though I will get any sleep should you leave. Can't."
It's an admission you only make to bait her into questioning you, but it doesn't work. The most she reacts to it is a short pause before replying. "If you have no preference then I think I'll stay a while. Since the tent clearly isn't fostering the proper environment for rest."
You huff. "I don't know what makes you think being out here with......out here will give you better results. Too much light." A pause, and then you try again to pester. "Speaking of, really? Out in the forest, at night, without your glasses? Aren't you meant to be the smart one of this little group? You're practically blind out here!"
She gestures at you harshly to lower your volume, and sheepishly you go quiet, having not noticed you'd raised your voice in the first place.
When she replies, though...she doesn't seem bothered by your condescension. "....I don't think you'd appreciate a platitude, but...with you out here, I wasn't particularly worried about any kind of ambush."
The star that beats in your chest skips a few.
She....trusts you? To some degree?
No, that was impossible, she has no reason to.....
....right?
You want to prove her wrong. Because she is. Because it would be stupid to assume good things about things like you.
But, from whatever perspective she has on you, doing so would be out of character. So instead, you try to play it off so she drops it. "Flattery will get you nowhere~"
"I'm aware. That's why I didn't try it." She fired back, immediately. Entirely straight-faced.
....it wasn't a joke, then. She was serious.
M-maybe you're giving the two of you too much credit! It likely doesn't take much trust to assume you wouldn't let any of them get murdered. Murder was pretty high up there.
Then again......
No. None of that.
"....hm. W-well, if it relaxes that big brain of yours, I haven't heard a single sound out here that could've come from another human being. Aside from you, of course."
"That does soothe my worries a bit, thank you." She replies, and then steeples her hands beneath her chin. "....but you know there's little risk of that, though, correct? We're garnering quite the positive reputation, after dealing with the King. Other human beings aren't very high up on the list of things we might be dealing with."
She pauses, and there's...a glint, analytical, in her eye when she continues. "There might still be a Sadness or two about. They're not all gone yet. Odd that you bring up people before them."
You are very glad she cannot dissect your expression. For just a brief moment, your composure slips into something frantic, guilty.
A Sadness attacks because it must.
A human harms others because it can.
BECAUSE YOU-
Your fingers break through the bark of the log with a wooden groan, and you yelp.
The Researcher raises her head from its place atop her knuckles, and frowns at you. "What was...?"
"Ah! Apologies, lost in thought!" You exclaim, once again getting lightly shushed. You ignore it, this time, just as you do her question, as you shake the wood bits from your hands. "Funny, how the mind works sometimes~"
She squints.
And then just. Doesn't press you for answers to the clear unspoken inquiry. Instead she turns back to the fire.
The silence, as you're unwilling to break it, hangs heavy in the air. You feel something like pressure bearing down on your shoulders.
A minute of quiet, then-
"The nights are getting colder, Loop."
You try not to flinch. "Are they." You try to keep your tone as friendly as you can, but you know you sound bitter.
She doesn't comment on it. "Everyone but us two has...paired sleeping arrangements." She continues, and before you can fluster at what you think she's implying, she continues further, "I will be fine even in a tent by myself, but I can't imagine it's comfortable for you, out here, with nothing to shield you from the elements."
Her brow softens, and she turns to you again. "You really should consider accepting what we've offered you."
She's
concerned
about you........?
No, she's not. Not sincerely. They all acted like they were but they were only...it was Stardust they were truly concerned for. Any worry they had leftover was only being attributed to you because he wanted them to.
You breathe. "I wasn't lying to the Kid, my light would keep you all awake. The material the tents are made of is too thin-"
"Then we could set up your tent separate from the rest of ours." She cuts off. "Is that your only worry?"
Ah, there's an angle you could exploit. You feign a pout that she can't see and sigh sadly. "Oh, you wound me. You'd really put my sleeping place all by its lonesome? Shame on you!"
"So you'd prefer to be closer to us. Noted." She remarks, and you cringe.
"That's...no, Stardust just gets ~separation anxiety~, you know how they are." You reply, hoping you don't sound too defensive. "I shudder to think of him waking up without me in easy viewing!"
"Hm." She's eyeing you skeptically...but, again, she definitely can't see you well enough to actually interpret the face you're making.
"In the next town we come across, we'll buy a tarp of some kind, as Isabeau suggested." She says, seemingly either ignoring the point you made or taking it at face value. "To cover your tent. Any further issues?"
You are bothered. You are so bothered.
"Hm, well! Welly-well-well!" You say to stall, but you quickly find your excuse. "I'm doing a job, aren't I? Someone ought to keep watch, and here I am! Doing that!"
This, surprisingly, gives her genuine pause. She stops to think, frowning, hand to her chin.
You feel incredibly vindicated, and you voice this. "See? As previously mentioned I cannot sleep, and therefore I am not hindered by taking on this burden for you all!" You drop that lore again, just in case she'd somehow missed it the first time. "Aren't I so generous? You'd really deny me this small altruism?"
"We can do that in shifts again, like we did before." She says, and you want to scream. "It wouldn't be fair to have our newest companion take on the most tiring of duties."
Ok so she's just ignoring-
"-and even insomniacs experience fatigue when going too long without rest." She asserts, brow once more softening in concern. "Even if you can't sleep, it's still healthier to lie still with your eyes closed than to go about as normal."
That's....
You, now, are given pause. Was that true...? You can't say that you'd known that. You were doing that earlier, to some extent, but you hadn't known that it accomplished anything but killing time.
You...don't really want to admit it, so instead, you turn it back on her. "...then why aren't you doing that?"
She raises a brow at you. "Because the ground is uncomfortable. And, as I said, I will eventually go back to my tent to try resting again. Just not at this present moment."
You turn away from her, towards the fire. You'd love to ask her what's keeping her out here at all. What could be so interesting about talking to you about nothing at all?
Nothing is happening. She's not engaging with any of your hints or quips. She's just...sitting here and treating you as if she thinks you have nothing to hide.
"...back on topic!" You declare, clasping your hands together. "I wouldn't dream of making all you lovely people stay awake when I already have that covered~!"
"...perhaps we should discuss this as a group, then? Tomorrow?" She offers. "I'm sure the others would have input on this."
"Is it really that big a deal, Researcher?" You retort, hoping you sound bored enough for her to drop it. "I can't imagine this is a productive use of your time, trying to convince me of this when everyone else already gave up earlier."
"I would rather your stay with us not be cut short due to fatigue or hypothermia. If you do not intend to be responsible, then it will have to be my mantle to bear."
You
prickle.
You feel the flares rushing up and down and across your form like static. This time, when you brighten, you can tell it's happening.
You respect her. Immensely. She's the only one here you do. You've...got a connection with Stardust, and you will be cordial with the rest because it's fair, but the Researcher is the only one here you respect, outright, genuinely.
But that doesn't mean she can tell you what to do.
You notice her eyes widening, likely seeing your glow intensify, but you don't give her a chance to say anything. "I think I am not being clear enough, Madame. My decisions on this matter are my own, and not things you have any right to dictate. I did not sit on this log with you to be mothered."
You see the remark affect her, faintly. The slightest of flinches, the pinching of her brow.
You continue. "If the only thing you intend to ask me is this nonsense, I would recommend the both of us cut to the part where you understand that my feelings on it aren't flexible."
A moment passes. The quiet goes tense.
And once more, she stands. "...I apologize, I agree that trying to force your hand was out of line."
The flares trace your silhouette, and you stare at her.
"I was only meaning to express my concern. We enjoy your presence here, Loop, and we want you to be comfortable." She looks up in the vague direction of the tree you'd been sitting in. "But if you truly aren't uncomfortable with your current arrangement, then it isn't my place to argue with you about it."
You...want, very much, to be spiteful. To call this retreat and apology a cowardly thing. To say she's backing off because she doesn't actually care about you.
But the only thing that comes out of your mouth is, "I'm...glad you understand."
She nods to you. "I try my best to. Apologies again for being overbearing."
You run a hand down your arm from shoulder to wrist, gripping too hard, trying to smooth down the flares. "......alright. You should...sleep, then. Since we've.....nothing else to discuss, clearly."
You trail off, volume decreasing as you speak. Somehow, desperately, you want her to come up with something else. You want her to question you just as much as you're terrified of her learning anything from said questioning.
Please.
She doesn't. But before she turns away from you, she smiles.
It's warm. And real.
"Rest well, Loop. Please at least take my suggestion on at least attempting to sleep to heart, if you would. I'd like to reiterate: we want you around for a while. Try to avoid burning yourself out."
You shove down a tangled ball of yearning before it can escape you, and you send her a smile of your own. Which she cannot see. So you're just crinkling your eyes for no reason. "Hmhm, there's a word for when stars do that, you know~" You remark playfully.
The setup does not receive any kind of immediate inquiry, and you feel the yearning transmutate back into annoyance. "Perhaps you could tell me more about that tomorrow, then. Good night."
"............good night, Researcher." You mumble in return, watching as she trudges back to her tent.
You keep staring, long after she's gone from sight.
There's nothing else to do.