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Harry Potter and the fact his life can't get more fucked up

Summary:

Harry sees that playing the hero in his first year gets him dumped back at the dursleys with a pat on the back for literally murdering a man and decides fuck it I live like I want now. He goes to gringotts gets an inheritance test finds out he has a reluctant soulmate and that dumbledore is a prick. Shenanigans ensue. This is purely self indulgent and my first attempt at fanfic .

Notes:

Hello, as said in the summary this is purely self indulgence on my part after having read everything similar in this ship and becoming hyper focused. It's my first fic so apologies if it's not written well. I've written up to chapter 5 so far but probably won't have a schedule to upload as my life tends to be unpredictable.

Chapter Text

Harry Potter was furious. He was 11 (nearly 12) years old and sitting in a bedroom that looked like no one lived there. The clock on the shelf was the only thing that worked. He supposed that at least he wasn't confined to a cupboard like the first 10 years of his life, his aunt at least seemed scared enough of magic to give him a room, even though he knew that Dumbledore had made sure to tell her about Harry not being able to use magic in summer.

The windows rattled ... Dumbledore. Harry had played his perfect Saviour last year, made friends with the first wizarding family obviously pushed on him, rejected the house the hat wanted him in, held himself back to avoid Hermione's wrath. He even played his stupid end of year game and defeated Voldemort, only to be bundled back to his abusive family at the end of the year with a pat on the head and a vague promise of release to the Weasleys at some point. Cracks in the plaster around his window appeared, Harry took a deep breath, it would do no good to piss off the Dursleys by damaging their house.  

Slowly he began to form a plan. In two days' time the Dursleys would be taking Dudley to a theme park for his birthday, he could slip out of the house then. From there it was easy as getting to the nearby train station and getting into London. He got up from his hard chair by the window and walked to the loose plank near his bed, fishing around before pulling out the muggle money he had been stealing from his aunt and uncle for the last month. He counted it up, he hadn't realized just how much he had stolen, at least £300. His relatives must be even stupider than he thought to not notice that much money missing, and he was certain they hadn't noticed otherwise Harry would have very much known the consequences. He briefly smiled at the thought of Ron and Hermione's faces if they knew he was stealing, maybe he could get transferred to Slytherin, they seemed to care less about the small issues like morality and legality.  

 

Harry potter was done playing the hero, he had indulged it, and it gained him nothing. Maybe it would be different if he was a villain, after all he held no particular morals or concerns. Growing up surrounded by people who didn't care if you lived or died would do that to a person. Harry cared about little else but himself and magic itself. He didn't even really hate Voldemort, insane as he was. Everyone kept going off about how evil he was but privately harry agreed with most of his points, especially from the early days that he had found with extensive research when he first learned of his “fame”. Muggles were dangerous, his family proved that. Many muggleborns did not make it to Hogwarts after all, and those that did tended to steamroll over traditions. On the other hand, purebloods had their own problems, what with all the inbreeding and the dreadfully annoying superiority complexes. Personally, Harry thought there should be a balance, but that would sit wrong with Dumbledore, so he suppressed his views for survival. He’d have to be smart about it, but as he clutched the muggle money with a weird sense of glee, Harry potter abandoned the light side.  

Two days later Harry watched his family drive off into the distance, they had locked his door and left him with a tin of cat food as sustenance for the day. He glanced down apathetically and retrieved his muggle money, wand and invisibility cloak from the floorboard, turning to pick the lock on his door. Harry had been picking locks since he was five, when he was locked in his cupboard for two weeks with no food whilst his relatives went on a cruise. Weak and starving his magic had lashed out and broken the door down and harry vowed to never again be locked somewhere he couldn't escape from. The skill had come in handy many times since then, like at the beginning of summer when all his magic possessions were locked in his former bedroom.  

The warm summer morning air hit his face as he closed the door, he briefly wondered how he could feel the breeze under his invisibility coat but spared it no great thought. He wandered through the leafy green surrey village towards the train station, removing his cloak in a back alley before entering.  

“Hello one return to kings cross please” He said politely to the old lady behind the ticket counter

“Goodness, how old are you love, where are your parents?” the lady replied, looking worriedly at this tiny child seemingly all alone. Harry pouted, he hated being reminded of how young he was, after all last year he had killed a man. He stilled, harry had killed Quirrell right, he had burnt him alive, intentionally, and felt no remorse for it. He glanced up at the lady who was still looking around the platform for his parents

“I'm 34 and their dead” He replied, pushing the slightest bit of magic into his voice and trying not to giggle at the incredulous look on her face. She coughed in surprise before saying

“Oh, of course you are dear enjoy your day in London” and she printed him a ticket.

Harry sat on the train watching the fields go by eating his sandwich bought at the station. He was still reeling slightly from the realization that he had murdered a man, not only that but no one seemed upset at him for it. In fact, Dumbledore had given him 60 points for it, if that wasn't a tip off that the old man wasn't as good and light as he claimed to be then Harry wasn't sure what was. He went through his plan in his head, go to the leaky cauldron, get to Gringotts, somehow convince the goblins to give him access to his vault without the key and visit flourish and blots to get as many books on magic as possible. He would learn as much as theory, law and traditions before the next Hogwarts year began. Practice of course had to wait; he had already pushed his luck with the trace with the small bit of magic this morning on the ticket lady.  

 

 

Before he knew it Harry was standing in front of the bank, wrapped securely in his invisibility cloak because the lord knows Harry Potter could not walk around Diagon alley without drawing crowds. He took a deep breath and crossed the threshold, half expecting his cloak to be ripped from him with the bank's security wards, but nothing happened. He made his way to a nearby goblin and coughed, slightly startling the creature.

“Hello, for reasons I'm invisible but I would like to withdraw money from my vault” he stated. The goblin furrowed his brow before replying

“You should not be able to be invisible in here, what is your name?”  

“Oh, I'm Harry potter, as far as I'm aware quite often magic seems to just go along with what I say” Harry shrugged, it wasn't exactly untrue, magic bent to his will quite easily he found. The goblin visibly tensed and coughed

“Mr. Potter please follow me into an office to er... Verify this situation” The goblin stood, and lead Harry through a sleek oak set of doors into a marble office. The whole place was dark and imposing, Harry imagined a pink doily covering the desk to brighten the room and to his surprise one sprang up. The goblin actually gave a small yelp this time, Harry removed his hood so the goblin could see his face.

“Mr. Potter, how on earth did you do that, each office here is keyed to its goblins magical system, it is impossible to tamper with” He began. Harry shrugged

“Magic likes me” he replied. Harry thought that he might get quite used to saying this phrase, stupid things tended to happen around him after all.  

“Right” the goblin seemed to be debating the worth of putting up a fight and seemed to decide against it “If you would consent to a magical blood test to verify your identity we can proceed with the withdrawal from your vault.” The goblin said with a shark like grin whilst holding up a piece of parchment and a small dagger. Harry grabbed both, knowing what to do he slashed his hand open and let the blood pour onto the parchment. The goblin, and merlin harry had to ask his name, shouted

“Mr. Potter a simple drop would have done!”

“Oh” he replied sheepishly, admittedly his pain tolerance was high, and he just assumed the more blood the better. The goblin sighed and looked at the ceiling before handing the parchment to Harry.

“It is customary for the client to see the results first but please know a goblin will have to verify the results to access your vaults” The goblin said

“Right, seems silly this far on but I just realized I don't know your name and it seems rude to call you “the goblin” in my internal monologue” Harry blurted out. The goblin looked at Harry incredulously, as if he had just sprouted a second head

“You may call me BloodSword, Mr Potter” he stammered out. Harry, seemingly non plussed by the headache he was rapidly causing BloodSword, reached out for the parchment

“Cheers BloodSword” he looked down

Magical Blood Test

Name: Harrison James Potter

Age: 11

Father: James Fleamont Potter (Pureblood, deceased)

Mother: Lily Potter Nee. Evans Nee. Emrys (Pureblood, deceased)

Godfathers: Sirius Orion Black (Incarcerated), Frank Longbottom (St. Mungos)

Godmothers: Pandora Lovegood (Deceased), Alice Longbottom (St. Mungos)

 

Harry frowned, handing the parchment back to BloodSword “This is wrong, my mother was a muggleborn” he said. The goblin frowned

“The tests don't lie Mr. Potter, if you wish for more information, you can do an in-depth inheritance test for a fee of 10 Galleons. This will show your Heirships and Lordships as well as any magic specific talents you may possess” BloodSword explained.

“Yes, ok let's do that, please take the money from my vault” Harry replied, mouth going dry. His mother might not be who he was always told she was. What was this Emrys line? Why did he not know? Why hadn't anyone told him? Alice and Frank Longbottom? Were they Nevilles parents? Did Neville know they were meant to be godbrothers? Did his Gran? Harry's head began to spin  

“Please place 7 drops of blood on this paper” BloodSword shook Harry out of his musings. Harry took the outstretched blade and, this time, knew to only put 7 drops of blood on it. The parchment began to glow.  

Magical Inheritance Test

Name: Harrison James Potter-Black-Peverell-Emrys  

Age: 11

Father: James Fleamont Potter (Pureblood, deceased)

Mother: Lily Potter Nee. Evans Nee. Emrys (Pureblood, deceased)

Godfathers: Sirius Orion Black (Incarcerated), Frank Longbottom (St. Mungos)

Godmothers: Pandora Lovegood (Deceased), Alice Longbottom (St. Mungos)

Magical Guardian: Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledor  

 

Heir to:

The most Noble House of Potter (through fathers' line)

The most Ancient and Noble house of Black (through blood adoption)

The most Ancient and Prestigeous house of Slytherin (through right of conquest)

Lord to:

The most Ancient and Prestigeous house of Perverall (through fathers' blood and requirement fulfilment)  

The most Ancient and Royal house of Emrys (through mothers' blood and requirement fulfilment)

 

Core: Grey (50% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

Magic level: Platinum (80% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

Family magics:

-Parseltongue (From soul bond)

-Parselmagic (From soul bond, 100% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

-Eidetic memory (80% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

-Magic sensitivity (90% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

-Wordless magic (70% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

-Wandless magic (90% blocked by A.W.P.B.D, 30% broken by H.J.P)

-Mage sight (100% blocked by A.W.P.B.D, 10% broken by H.J.P)

- Necromancy (100% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

-Soul magic (100% blocked by A.W.P.B.D)

Soul Bond: Tom Marvalo Riddle (through prophecy and Horcrux assimilation)  

Compulsions:

- Loyalty to A.W.P.B.D (74% broken)

- Loyalty to the Order of the Phoenix  

- Loyalty to Gryffindor house  

- Loyalty to Ronald Billius Weasley (40% broken)

-Loyalty to Hermione Jean Granger (76% broken)

-Hatred to Tom Marvalo Riddle (68% broken)

-Hatred to Slytherin house (50% broken)

-Hatred to Severus Snape (20% broken)

- Love potion keyed to Ginevra Weasley (not yet activated)