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When she finds him, she doesn't hesitate. She doesn't think of the consequences before she has him carefully loaded on to her ship. Her exhaustion, his injuries, her lack of trust in her own guards, the implications of the head of Noxus practically kidnapping a Piltovan war hero, none of it matters in the moment.
Now, Mel Medarda sits in the control room of a ship that loomed in her childhood, larger than a house and seeming to contain endless hallways and secret rooms to entertain her and her brother on long trips. Now it just seems extravagant. She spends her days in the cockpit or in the captains lounge close by, receiving all the information on the current state of Noxus as her mind can handle. It is strange being attended to by her mother's cohort, people whom many of which had known her as a child, but who are now completely new to her. They follow her orders, but she struggles to tell how stable her position is. Her mind spins in circles of thought about how each one of them may be rationalizing their loyalty to her, out of care for Ambessa or the opposite, but she knows that for all possible complications, it will boil down to strength. Fresh out of battle, she has a measure of security. She is already exhausted when she thinks of just how often she will have to renew that perception of strength if she is to truly rule her old home.
A guard bursts into the room, bowing quickly and panting lightly before they speak.
"Commander, your, uh, the patient is awake."
Mel digs her nails into her palm to stop her cold demeanor from cracking at that. She does not allow her face to twitch, nor does she allow any of the golden sparks which have begun to herald her loss of control. She walks calmly with the guard back to the infirmary, and only allows herself to frown when she hears yelling and grunting as they approach.
Inside the room, Jayce is indeed awake, crying out in anger and struggling against the straps that secure him to the cot as well as against the medics attempting to get his attention and stop him from aggravating his wounds. One of them has a syringe in hand, headed towards Jayce's neck. Mel shoots a jolt of energy at it causing it to fall to the floor and getting a collective flinch out of everyone in the room, including the man still trying to push to his feet.
"Jayce," She says, rushing to his side with as much grace as possible and leaning over his face, "you're safe. Please calm down, you'll only hurt yourself more."
Jayce stares up at her with glassy eyes that fail to catch on her features in recognition. Those fingerprints, awful and infected with some otherworldly disease, glint mockingly at her in the lamplight. She can't stop herself from bringing a hand to his cheek, noting how they pulse with color at her touch. They make her sick, but Jayce's eyes clear and his fearful expression softens when he finally focuses in on her.
"Mel?" He asks. His voice is more a rasp than a sound. It's the best thing she's heard all week.
"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?"
"What happened? Where- Mel why am I tied down?"
"We found you in the wreckage of the Hexgates. It was a miracle to find you alive, you've been unconscious for five days. You aren't restrained, just secured. We're on my ship."
Jayce's brow twitches.
"Your ship?"
"Yes." Mel sighs, then squares her shoulders, sitting up and addressing the room. "Everyone out. I require privacy."
"Commander, the patient requires medical attention still, and I am hesitant to leave you unprotected with a volatile unknown element." One of the guards says, one of the lieutenants under the new chief of the security force she is supposed to trust with her life, despite their attempts to kill her and her allies barely eight days before. Mel glares at him.
"You forget your place, soldier. Do not presume to know what is known to me, and do not insult me as needing your protection against a mere man, let alone one in such condition." She tries to speak as if her words are heavy stones being set softly on the sand, tries to seem graceful and effortless while carrying an unmistakable capacity for violence. The lieutenant drops his head into a bow.
"Of course, commander. I apologize."
"I do not require your apologies, nor do I desire them. You may redeem yourself by following my orders." The lieutenant and the guards finally start to file out of the room. The remaining medics go slowly to follow. "Wait. Saanvi, you may stay." Saanvi was the chief medic, whom Mel remembered as having been recently promoted to an assistant position when she had been exiled. The older woman had grown sterner and more self-assured, as all in Noxus must do over time, and had been both the one to confirm Ambessa's cause of death and to tend to Mel when she had collapsed from something called essence exhaustion shortly after. She was experienced, and more importantly she had had her chance.
Saanvi nodded and moved to start checking Jayce's bandages. He looked between the two of them, face still twisted in confusion.
"Commander?"
"Much has happened Jayce. My mother is dead, and I'm now the commander in chief of the Noxian army, effective head of the Noxian state." Jayce's eyes widen at that.
"I'm sorry to hear about your mom."
"Don't be, I was the one that killed her."
"…I'm still sorry that happened to you." He said, looking down at the straps that still held him to the cot with a sympathetic expression. She couldn't tell if the ship was swaying more or less than usual. The sentiment was so him that it made her heart hurt. Still so sweet, still letting all of his emotions bleed over his face as if no one would ever even think to hurt him with them. And really wasn't it almost unthinkable? Denying him always felt like chastising an eager puppy, and even now he kept the demeanor of a kicked dog as he fidgeted with the sheets under his hands.
"Hm, yes. We have both been through a great ordeal."
Suddenly Jayce's eyes widened again and he jolted against the straps, startling Saanvi where she stood by his injured leg.
"Viktor! Have you found him yet?"
Mel twitched. It took effort not to scoff, nor to snarl. She and Jayce had already argued about his former partner the night after they were attacked in the council room, right before the final battle. She had to fight to keep the anger out of her voice as she responded.
"Viktor is dead, Jayce." His face shuttered and his eyes filled with despair. Tears welled up in his eyes for a man who had tried to kill them all, who had nearly crushed Jayce's windpipe between metallic fingers, who she suspected, though Jayce wouldn't tell her, was responsible for the arcane infection spreading across his poorly healed back and wrapped around his mangled leg. Saanvi had said earlier that he would never walk unsupported on it again.
It struck her, as he began to shake, that she had never gotten to do this. Not for Elora, nor Kino, and especially not for her mother. She had armored herself up until the plates dug into her skin and stopped her from feeling the warmth of the sun, and here he was, exposing himself with grief for the man who had pushed them all to violence, who had enabled Ambessa to-
She couldn't be here, couldn't bear this weight. And yet she could not leave. She felt frozen in place, first by her own mind and then by his arms as he finally broke the strap over his torso and embraced her, sobbing into her chest.
Saanvi opened her mouth to object, but Mel refused to give her the conciliatory eye contact that would grant her permission to speak. Mel refused to move nearly at all. She kept trying to order her thoughts, to reason out why she should move, or stay still, push him away or pull him closer, something that would leave her strong and in control of the situation.
But she wasn't in control, was she? She had known, always had, that she could never be the impervious leader Noxus demanded. Hell, even her mother hadn't been able to fully excise her own weaknesses. And Mel had known what she was doing, when she scooped Jayce out of the rubble. There was some reasoning there, something about keeping your weak spots close and under guard, but she couldn't pretend she had been aware of that motivation at the time.
He was all she had left, the only person she loved who wasn’t dead. And she did love him, it had been silly to pretend otherwise.
"Are you sure?" Jayce choked out.
"Yes." She responded, then she remembered what he had been asking. "We looked, there were no traces of him."
He began to cry again. Mel finally gave in to her instinct, softening against him and bringing a hand up to run through his hair. She had decided on how to think of him. She did not want to be that idea of Noxian leadership, had no desire to solidify into stone and bath herself in blood for the interests of that circle of warmongers who called themselves a council. It had only been a week or so and already she felt an ache in her bones and in her soul from holding up the façade of authority. She couldn't lose control, but if she gave herself to Noxus in whole, whether to its ways or to the monumental task of its reform, she would surely lose the will to go on before the first year rolled over.
So maybe it was selfish, to steal Jayce away entirely for her own comfort, but she needed him, and did she not deserve to have just one person to love? A person who loved her in turn, she was pretty sure, who accepted her and believed in her, despite knowing her as well as he did. And did Jayce not deserve a respite? Did he not deserve to be loved by someone who could protect him, who understood best the ways in which he was broken, with the power to put him back together?
Jayce's sobs had slowed. She would have to change her clothes. She would have to figure out how to explain the gaping vulnerability that was Jayce Talis to her retinue without getting either of them assassinated before they even managed to land in Noxus. She had to make sure Jayce wasn't going to ruin everything. She managed to pull a hand free and waved Saanvi out of the room. She would deal with that mess later. Mel watched the medic leave and turned her attention back to the shaking mess in her arms.
"Jayce, we're leaving Piltover."
His breath hitched and Mel ran her hand through his hair again, gently pressing his face into the red fabric that draped over her chest.
"What, why? What about everyone else? Cait, my mom?"
"They are alive, all doing as well as they could be last I checked. They are rebuilding the city, but I have duties in Noxus with regards to the state and the affairs of House Medarda."
"What does that have to do with me?" Jayce asked. Mel hummed and paused the motion of her hand. She stroked a finger along his cheek, softly.
"Tell me you want to go back. Tell me you want to return and be Councilor Talis again." She nearly begs him. Begs him to tell her that she can't just do this, can't just have what she wants with no consequence. Jayce says nothing. Bitterly, she continues, "Tell me you want to be there when they charge him, sentence him posthumously. When they scrape his name off the Hexgate dedication and forbid you from burning his name with the rest?"
Perhaps that was cruel of her. Jayce jolts against her and lets out a horrid little sob. He still says nothing and Mel resumes petting his hair. It needs to be washed, but she does not mind it. She's grown concerningly attached to the beard as well. "I'm sorry, I know how you felt about him."
"He-" Jayce's voice has gone unsteady again," he didn't mean- wasn't trying to hurt anyone…."
"I understand. I know we fought before, but I understand, and I know how it feels to grieve someone who has done terrible things. And I… I cared for him, as well; if that is any consolation."
"…Thank you, for caring, and for remembering him." He mutters against her chest. Mel sighs again.
"When we reach Noxus, I'll take care of everything. You'll have time to grieve, to work on your projects. You can leave the politicking to me."
"That feels unfair to you."
"Jayce, we both know perfectly well that the council of generals would eat you alive. Besides, you may still find your work cut out for you. Did you know that the central keep of Noxus still doesn't have electric lighting?"
That seems to actually shock him still for a moment. He doesn't laugh, but it still feels like she's managed to take his mind off of it all, just for an instant. It will be good for him, to have something like that. He had always been happier in a workshop than in the council chamber.
If she could only make him happy, then she could have a refuge from the deluge of politicking that would threaten to drown her all her life. All the lies, uncertainty, cruelty, and warmongering could slip off of her if she only had Jayce, happy and undoubtably loyal, only needed to know as much as she told him.
It had become hard to tell which of her actions were selfish and which were selfless.
Her actions on the council all the way up to taking credit for her mother's death and ascending to her place as commander, who were they for? It seemed like every time she gave something to another person, it had been to serve her own interests. And every time she had gotten something she wanted, it had been in a moment where she had never felt less in control. Had she wanted her mother to die? Would Noxus improve under her reign? How could one even begin the process of giving their life away in pursuit of their own influence and power? These were only some of the questions that swirled in her head and stopped her from sleeping each night. She couldn't figure out how to justify nearly any of her actions to the world, let alone herself.
And of course, taking Jayce. She could think herself in circles about him for hours and still not reach a conclusion. Maybe it would be simpler, now that he was awake. Awake and warm where he pressed against her, easing some distant ache of loneliness she had been steadfastly refusing to acknowledge these last few weeks.
Jayce sighed and Mel returned her hand to his hair, which had been washed by her medics but was rough after months without its usual care. "And I'll be there too," She dared to whisper, " we'll be there for each other again. I… I missed you, when I was gone." It felt vulnerable, to admit just how much of her fear had come not from the threat to her life, but from the feeling of being alone, abandoned in that place.
He let out a wounded sound and somehow managed to squeeze her tighter than he had before.
"I missed you too. Like a wound in and of itself," he said, still on the very edge of tears, "I saw your face most nights, heard your voice in my head. It was too much, thinking of you and knowing that I didn't deserve the kind words I remembered you saying to me-"
"Jayce, you-"
"And so I started to twist them, until I couldn't remember the truth, and then I said those awful things to you when you had been suffering right alongside me!"
"We spoke about this already, and I forgave you. Truthfully I did not always think of you kindly either, when I imagined you still in Piltover, crafting weapons for my mother's revenge campaign. Neither of us had any way of knowing."
Jayce hummed in reluctant agreement. Mel spoke carefully, still steadily petting his hair, "I want to speak more about this. I have a selfish desire to confide in you, but it would feel incomplete without you doing the same to me. Would you tell me where you were taken that changed you so, now that battle is not on the horizon?"
"… I'm not sure." He hid his face further in the fabric of her cloak when she tried to read his eyes.
"Can you try? Would you tell me later, once we have landed or once I have divulged details of my journey to you?"
"It's just hard to think about it. To think of describing it. I felt almost like I'd died down there, and that everything that came after was my penance. A trial so that I would have something to show for myself at the gates of the afterlife." He said sullenly, and Mel's heart gave a weak little cry.
"You didn't expect to make it out of the final battle alive." She said, unable to pretend it was new information.
"How could I have? How could I have wanted to? The idea of living with everything I've done, the people whose lives I ruined, and of doing it without Viktor? It's- it was unfathomable…."
Silence hung in the air for a moment. Both of them were still save for the now near mechanical motion of Mel's hand over Jayce's head. When she spoke again it was slow and pointed.
"Do you remember what you said to me? When I told you that my life had been a lie?"
"That was different!"
"Was it? I was pushed into violence I never would have chosen, forced to see that my dreams had been foolish and that the work I had poured myself into had come to nothing." She spat. Jayce reared up, dislodging her hand from his head to shake it violently.
"It's not the same at all! It wasn't your fault what happened to you!"
"Debatable, but I was at partial fault for the events you are trying to take full ownership of now. As was Viktor."
"No, that's not- you can't just…. It's just different!" Jayce said, flustered. "You didn't even do anything, and Viktor… he's less at fault than I am."
"If you want to bring me around on this theory of yours, you will need to actually tell me what happened between you two."
"Why are you so stuck on that?"
"I want to know how to make you see reason! Is that so odd of me? Don't you see that you have to live?!"
"I thought you said Piltover didn't need me."
"I need you!"
Mel clamped her mouth shut, tears pricking her eyes. How had she ever thought that she would be able to keep Jayce without showing him her own wretched vulnerability? How could she not be brought to anger at the knowledge that he wanted to leave her all alone again? Jayce just stared back at her, eyes wide and hands loosely braced against her back. She opened her mouth to try and fumble for something else to say-
Lips crashed into hers, cracked and rough as the rest of him. It was so different from how it had been before, from soft plush passion to this slow caress that felt more like an apology than anything else.
When he drew back, she blinked in disbelief for an instant before pulling him back in, letting tears flow down her cheeks and turning the kiss into something more like what they had once shared. They embraced, hands grasping for any part of the other they could reach. Mel pushed her tongue into Jayce's mouth and delighted to find that the inside was unchanged, though she also ran her palms down his new leaner frame and shivered when she felt the touch of his beard turn into a rasp against her cheek.
She pressed herself hard against his body, no longer teasing herself with that hint of warmth and companionship she had been missing for months now. She wanted to crawl inside him and bath in that heat. She wanted to fold him up and keep him beside her heart so that she would never be without it again. She could feel his hand wandering over her back, having gotten distracted on its way to her ass in favor of curiously mapping the exposed gold that now shone along her spine and ribs.
The realization hit her and she let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Jayce made a questioning noise but she only continued giggling against his mouth. She was drawn into a memory of him drunkenly examining the map on her office wall in his quest to fail the challenge of deciphering one of her trading contracts. It brought a burning ball of grief to life in her abdomen, and it was the best thing she had ever felt.
In that memory they had fallen into bed in the early morning, with Jayce sucking triumphant hickeys into her skin after he'd gotten her to admit to forgetting that steel wasn't its own element. In this new memory, she just starts to cry in earnest. Jayce kisses her forehead gently, hugging her tighter to him.
"I'm sor-"
"Don't," Mel says. Her shoulders shake as she grabs his face. "Just promise me-" another sob, "promise you'll try to picture it? A life, with me?"
"Of course," he agrees, tears leaking out of his own eyes now. Those same eyes too. "I want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy."
"That's n-not what this is about."
"I know… I'll try. I want to want to live. I want you, I just don't want you to want me, if that makes sense? I want you to want someone who deserves to want you."
The word 'want' had started to sound like some curse in one of the few languages Mel had never been familiarized with. She smushed her face into Jayce's chest to get him to shut up.
"That doesn't make any sense at all. You're living. You're going to stay that way." She said stubbornly, mostly to feel the subdued chuckle that ran through his torso.
He moved to say something in response, but before he could, the sound of a horn bellowed through the ship. All officers were needed at the cockpit. With a sigh, she heaved herself off the bed, pushing Jayce back down in the process. With a quick look at the state of his bandages, she moved to start fixing her own cloak.
"Do they really get to order you around like that? Aren't you in charge of them?" He asked cheekily. Mel shot him an exasperated look.
"I need to know what's happening on my ship. And you need medical attention." Jayce groaned as she moved towards the door. "Behave for the doctors." She teased, then softly added, "I'll be back as soon as I can."
He gave her a sweet smile, then a mock glare as Saanvi stepped back in and wrinkled her nose at the state of the bed. Mel returned it and stepped into the hallway.
"Wait!" Jayce exclaimed. When she turned to look, he was sitting up again, much to the doctor's dismay. He gave her a sweet familiar look, golden eyes melted into honey right along with her heart. "I'll miss you."
Mel smiled back, wondering if she was going to be able to school her face into something resembling authority again once she had left.
"I'll miss you too."