Chapter Text
"Alright, that's a wrap," the director called out.
Yeosang bowed habitually with his members as they offered their thanks to the staff. The filming crew returned their bows with light applause. While the other members relaxed and dropped their on-camera personas, Yeosang’s tension skyrocketed. Silently, he faded into the background and tried to remain inconspicuous as the alphas did their routine check in with the team's omegas. Though fans were aware of their secondary genders, the group did their best to not showcase that dynamic too much. Unfortunately, this often resulted in pushing the omegas outside of their comfort zones.
The day shooting had been particularly stimulating, so much so that even he as a beta was feeling overwhelmed. His senses were running haywire, heart palpitating and palms sweating. He knew his limits and this was not an anxiety attack he could simply talk himself through. He roughly wiped his damp palms on his pants before crouching down in a dark corner of the studio, eyes desperately seeking out the alphas. Yeosang watched from the sidelines with familiar jealousy as the omegas were doted on. He hurriedly erected a mental barrier as a pang of loneliness he couldn't smother echoed through his chest, filling his eyes with moisture.
Yeosang first observed Hongjoong. The Captain was standing in front of Wooyoung, guiding him through breathing exercises. Yunho was not too far away, hugging Mingi comfortingly as he whispered words Yeosang yearned to hear. On the opposite side of the room, San was gently calming a pacing Seonghwa. Jongho was the only free Alpha, sitting near the exit with his eyes hooded as he watched over the others. Yeosang stared at him longingly as his palpitations grew fiercer. He swallowed harshly, pushing down the name on the tip of his tongue. Jongho would find it odd. After all, Yeosang was expected to be self-sufficient.
He tore his eyes away and glanced at the other alphas carefully.
Yunho and San weren't giving him much to work with so he turned his full attention to Hongjoong, secretly watching his hands and following the breathing motions he was guiding Wooyoung through. Thankfully, Hongjoong's breathing tactics were effective and his anxiety eased, leaving him overwhelmingly despondent. He stood shakily and made his way to Jongho in preparation for heading home.
In the beginning, back when he had first presented as a beta, Yeosang had spent many nights cursing his orientation. Everyone who knew him had expected him to present as an omega due to his innate characteristics. Initially, their change in behaviour towards him had given him whiplash. He’d spent his whole life being treated one way only to have the rug pulled out from under his feet following his presentation. Yeosang had nearly drowned, overwhelmed with the sudden expectation of independence. Overnight, he'd gone from being treated gently to being left to fend for himself both physically and mentally. He’d grit his teeth and bore it, never one to unnecessarily cause a fuss. His secondary gender meant it was something he could bear, even if he felt like he was falling apart. So, as the years passed, Yeosang had learned to just painfully accept it.
He was a beta and he was to be treated as one.
Yeosang’s only reprieve came on camera and so he had willingly thrown himself into their work. Before presenting, fans had labelled him as soft and in need of protection and coddling and so the company had requested they play it up a bit for publicity even after they had all reached maturity. San and Wooyoung took to it the easiest with Seonghwa and Jongho close behind. Of course, Yeosang could no longer cling to them as he had previously, caged in the role of an aloof beta. Thankfully, the member's tenacity had become popular amongst fans.
Yeosang secretly cherished those moments. The pack bonds which had grown increasingly painful over time were given a moment of reprieve with every hug. Out of the seven bonds, four constantly throbbed. He didn't know why his bonds with the alphas had withered beyond recognition but the pain had become a constant in his life, a dull ache that twisted and squeezed at his heart to the point that he could no longer sleep without taking painkillers.
The pack bonds were still a mystery to Yeosang. Science said that every bond needed to be nurtured. There were different ways to nurture each bond, depending on the secondary gender. Alpha bonds were strengthened when they took care of others. Beta bonds relied heavily on emotional intimacy. Omegas relied majorly on physical touch.
Yeosang took great care in trying to remain connected with his members. However, no matter what he did, the bonds with the alphas continued to deteriorate. It was odd, considering his sub-gender but the only time the pain lessened was when they were doting on him. Receiving enough affection on-screen sometimes even made sleeping without waking up every two hours for painkillers possible. Kisses lasted him even longer and so he prayed for the moments the members would fight his obligatory resistance.
Unfortunately, he hadn't gotten more than a hug from Yunho today. He could already feel the bonds shrivelling further as he followed them to the changing rooms. He blindly sought out Seonghwa's bond, seeking a little strength. Unfortunately, Seonghwa's barriers were up, blocking him from accessing his emotions. He withdrew pitifully and stood in close range to Jongho, relying on the calming energy the alpha naturally carried. Yeosang zoned out for a bit, mentally examining his bonds and contemplating whether he should just sever the withered ropes that caused him so much agony. His resilience had been worn down over the years and he found himself contemplating it far more frequently as the days passed.
If he was being honest, things had been going downhill since debut. He'd been the second member to present, following Seonghwa's omega trait. Hongjoong had followed closely as an alpha with Jongho, surprisingly, weeks after. Mingi and Wooyoung presented as omegas the following month with San hot on their tails as an alpha. With four alphas, one beta, and three omegas, finding a new normal had been a challenge for all of them. It had taken time for them to find a rhythm as they navigated new heats and ruts together. The alphas grew more possessive and the omegas grew compliant, submitting to the whims of the alphas. And somehow, during that single year, Yeosang found himself almost an outsider in his group. He'd unknowingly been pushed to the edge of their social group, designated to a role he didn't fully identify with. Now, the only thing holding him back was that, when he cut the alpha ties, he would be torn from the omegas as well. The idea of losing all of them was too painful to bear, more so than the agonising alpha bonds.
"How's the suppressant working?" He overheard Jongho asking Wooyoung. He zoned back in to hear his friend's response.
"Could be better. Let's hurry home please," Wooyoung responded tightly as he lowered his barriers. The intensity of his suffering echoed through their bond, the discomfort making Yeosang’s skin feel too hot. He grimaced and rushed to grab his things, grateful when Wooyoung raised his barriers once again. The room buzzed with urgency as his members and staff rushed to get out quicker.
Their managers had parked the car in the garage to bypass their fans but some had thought ahead and were already staking out the back entrance when they emerged from the elevators. Yeosang ducked his head and moved with the group, careful not to get separated. He felt a familiar pair of hands grab his shoulders as San stepped up behind him, ushering him to the car. Yeosang worked hard to suppress a shiver as the alpha’s hands moved down his back to grip his waist. San’s behaviour always made Yeosang's stomach feel tight and gooey at the same time. The alpha took his duty as a pack protector seriously and had self-appointed himself to Yeosang when they were surrounded by outsiders. He claimed that an alpha still outranked a beta and it was his duty to make sure Yeosang was safe from fan alphas. He knew San only did this since Yeosang was even worse than the omegas at upholding his own boundaries when it came to strangers but it still made him feel cherished.
Yeosang knew he was different. As a beta, San’s behaviour should have made him feel uncomfortable yet he secretly revelled in it. All of his beta friends hated it when their alpha friends tried to assert any form of dominance over them but it just made Yeosang feel safe and flustered.
The feeling of safety vanished the second they entered their van. In his excitement of being safeguarded by San, he'd forgotten about Wooyoung's impending heat and the unwritten rules of the pack. Yeosang had almost sat in his usual seat when San growled and yanked him back by the collar of his shirt. His beta shuddered in fear, curling in on itself.
"I'll sit with him," San said lightly, climbing in first and heading to the backseat.
“Sorry.” Yeosang mumbled as goosebumps covered Yeosang's arms.
Yeosang’s beta was his greatest mystery. His high school teachers had explained their sub-genders as a physical entity; something deeply primal that sat deep in their chest. Beta's were supposed to be confident, friendly, and laid back. Yeosang's beta hadn't gotten the memo though. He was anxious, shy, and extremely tense. And nothing made his beta more anxious and tense than the possessive growls of the alphas as they claimed their territory.
“It’s okay, cutie,” San smiled, crescents replacing his eyes. Yeosang smiled back weakly. The gap between the deep growl and the light-hearted interactions that followed always played games with Yeosang's psyche.
When this had first started, he'd just assumed it to be a joke and would respond with a light eye roll as he backed off to appease his beta's innate anxiety. He would blush darkly, a natural response due to his beta's primal response but he managed to play it off as just being flustered rather than frightened. However, the alphas had remained consistent. The growl's had grown deeper and more menacing, shaking him up from the inside out. Now, the sound filled him with visceral fear, his stomach cramping with nausea and his heart thundering as adrenaline coursed through him.
Yeosang sat down in the front seat and stared ahead blankly, taking thin breaths so the others wouldn't hear him hyperventilating. The ride home was filled with heavy silence. The intense scent emanating from Wooyoung had their alpha manager and the present alpha members on edge. Wooyoung normally smelt like freshly baked cinnamon but, during his heats, the scent became overwhelmingly sweet. Yeosang was almost grateful that he wasn't as heavily affected by the omegas heats. While their smell was alluring, it didn't drive him crazy like it did the alphas.
Unfortunately for him, the scent triggered something else entirely. Intense feelings of abandonment and fear. Yeosang teetered on the edge whenever a pack member went through a heat or a rut. The easygoing camaraderie vanished as the alphas and omegas allowed their more primal instincts to surface. During these times, he became an outsider and had to remember to tread carefully. When they finally arrived at their building, the pack entered through the backdoor again and waited for the elevator in silence.
Though all three dorms were in the same building, they were all on separate floors. To negate this distance, the third bedroom in the YunSang dorm had been designated the pack’s Nestin Room. It was meant to be a space that belonged to all of them but it had very quickly become the designated heat and rut room. Sometimes, the pack would take his sheets to add to the overall scent of the Nest but they never invited him in. Seonghwa said it made the pack feel complete even if Yeosang was not physically present. Soon, the only time he found himself within those four walls was if it was his turn for clean-up duty.
Today was no different. Yeosang watched as the seven members headed straight for the pack room. He made eye contact with Mingi as he shut the door behind him, the rapper smiling and winking playfully before he shut the door with a deafening click.
Alone in a full house, Yeosang sighed heavily. He wanted nothing more than to curl up under his sheets and sleep the pain away but the withered bonds were throbbing incessantly. He propped up his full barriers, shutting the pack out completely rather than just hiding his own emotions. He hated feeling the thrums of their pleasure and contentment. Tiredly, he popped a couple of painkillers and sleeping pills before setting about his nightly routine as he waited for the pills to kick in so he could finally lie down.
Halfway through, someone knocked on his door. Yeosang sighed to himself as he stood from his vanity and grabbed the oversized hoodie he had been wearing all day. Hongjoong was waiting outside his bedroom door, his woodsy scent almost completely drowned out by Wooyoung’s spicy cinnamon. He held out his sweater, wondering if this would be the last time Wooyoung needed him like this. Hongjoong thanked him and wished him a good night before disappearing back down the hall, leaving him alone once again.
Once he was done with his skincare routine, Yeosang headed to the kitchen and pulled out a tray. He placed two stacks of cups and a large water jug on it and carried it to the pack room. Moving some of the decor, Yeosang carefully placed the tray down on the slim table near the bedroom door. Someone would come out for it after the first wave of Wooyoung's heat receded. Yeosang returned to the kitchen and set about making a snack tray as well. They would be hungry too. By the time he had finished, he still wasn't feeling tired enough to sleep through the pain. With a defeated sigh, he slipped under his sheets.
Curled up in bed, he picked up his phone and opened Twitter. He scrolled for a bit before he gave in to temptation and searched for his own name. The first video that popped up was of San. The ATINY who posted it was gushing over how San had chosen him back as the cutest member of ATEEZ. He'd done one more and teased the fans, claiming ownership of the beta. Yeosang closed the app and put his phone down, heart sinking in his chest. He couldn't do this anymore. He was just so tired of this act. His heart couldn't handle the difference in his relationships with the members on camera versus off camera. He knew it was their job to make them look like a solid unit to the fans and maybe it wouldn't have bothered him if they all treated each other differently off-camera as well.
But it was only him.
Perhaps it was because he didn't experience heats and ruts like they did that they had come to some unspoken understanding that he didn't need them the same way. The other members had become romantically involved with one another after months of assisting each other through their cycles and yet, Yeosang had remained the only platonic member in their polycule. He’d been confused at first, unsure of where he stood after Hongjoong had declared no relationships outside of the pack were allowed. He’d giddily wondered if that meant that they were interested in evolving their relationship with him. However, all these years later the only kisses he'd received from them had been teasing kisses to the cheek for their fandom. Forced to be single by the head Alpha’s command, Yeosang only grew more despondent as time passed.
The worst part, though, was his painful bonds. No beta he knew ever complained of bonds hurting. He remembered casually mentioning it to a beta friend and the odd look she had given him was still etched in his memory. It had been an incredibly humiliating experience, forcing him to recognise his personal failure as a beta. With only the alpha bonds hurting, Yeosang wondered if he was an anomaly of sorts. He'd never heard of painful bonds in his beta sex ed class either. He'd thought himself lucky since he only had to learn about his gender while the others had been forced to learn about their opposites as well but now he felt like gaps were missing and the search engines were not filling them.
Yeosang was sure there were answers in the longer articles but he never had time to do a proper in-depth search with his packed schedule and sleep-deprived mind. He eventually came to the conclusion that the bond must not hurt from their end. He’d been relieved in the beginning but, over time, resentment had grown in his heart. Unfortunately, he had never been the type to be able to seek out help due to the fear of inconveniencing others and so he remained in a constant state of silent agony. He simply tried to cherish the moments of peace they unknowingly gave him and left it at that.
Besides, he was a beta. He wasn't supposed to need them like that. No matter what his bonds felt.
During heats, even the omega bonds began to weaken. The once thick and thriving bonds would slim down, barely pulsating in his head. It took days, sometimes weeks, of extensive effort to bring them back to their normal health. The shared emotions grew dull and he had to focus to feel an echo of their emotions. He appreciated it at times like this, when he knew they were next door enjoying an intimacy he would never get to experience. He didn't have to hurt further than his imagination and early memories from days when he had less control over his barriers.
With all of these anomalies, Yeosang had to wonder if he was the cause of the struggling bonds. He'd tried his best in the beginning, before anyone had presented. He'd built strong and healthy bonds with all the members individually after they had chosen to leave their family packs and come together. Time had quickly damaged his effort and he couldn’t help but wonder if he just hadn't tried hard enough.
Or… maybe he was genetically flawed.
Yeosang’s sex ed teacher had said it was natural, even as his mental health took a blow as his bonds had decreased in size and strength. Beta bonds required less effort and tended to be smaller, though no less strong. They even took the platonic relationship into consideration, requiring even less from them. The change had filled him with such strong feelings of rejection and loneliness to the point where he'd started to daydream about breaking the bonds. He’d spent countless nights wondering how that would work. What would it be like?
The sleep would probably be immaculate.
Then, he’d bit the bullet. Four months ago, Yeosang made the tentative decision it was time to let go; of both the pack and ATEEZ. He hadn't thought they could get much thinner but the moment he'd made the decision, he felt a change. It had taken months to wither away and now, the alpha bonds were holding on by a single tether. Once the first one snapped, Yeosang would have to manually cut the rest. He had been dragging his feet, a large part of him unwilling to let go. Despite this, he had still been planning carefully. It would be easiest to break his bond with Hongjoong. That way, the omega bonds would break naturally. However, he would still have to cut off the other alpha bonds himself.
An electronic ‘ding’ pulled him out of his melancholic thoughts. He reached for his phone, squinting as the bright light lit up his face. On the screen, there was an email notification from Hwang Jongyeon, his private lawyer. Hot tears filled Yeosang’s eyes, spilling down his temple and pooling in his ear. He scrubbed at his face, laughing weakly at his reaction. He’d known this was coming and yet, despite his preparations, he hadn’t been able to prepare his heart.
His time was up.
Come the weekend, he would have to do it. Through his tears, he booked the hotel room where it would happen. His research had warned him that breaking a bond was excruciating. To break multiple at once was considered highly dangerous but Yeosang ignored the recommendations of having a doctor present. The less people who knew, the better. If it got out to the public before his lawyer and his company lawyer negotiated the termination of his contract, Yeosang would put himself and ATEEZ in a very bad situation. Besides, this recommendation had been for healthy bonds. Considering the state of his bonds, it should not be too bad. He’d wait until Wooyoung’s heat passed. Adding Wooyoung to the weakened bonds, the only bonds that should be concerning were Mingi and Seonghwa.
Yeosang plugged his phone into the charger and rolled over. The medication had finally kicked in, his bonds nothing but a dull throb. The sharp ache in his heart never left though. That night, Yeosang cried harder than ever before, face buried in his pillow to muffle the pained sobs as he mourned the loss of his pack. Eventually, he drifted asleep staring at the packed duffle bag in the corner of his bedroom.
Hopefully, the fallout would be something he could bear.
******
Breakfast was normally a quiet affair now that it was just him and Yunho. Today was one of the exceptions. The entire pack had slept in the Nesting Room the past few nights to help Wooyoung through his heat. Yeosang had barely seen them, only catching glimpses of the alpha’s as they exited for food and water. Now that it had ended, all eight of them now crowded the small eat-in table in their kitchen, chattering incessantly.
"Here, have more," Yunho placed a second serving of rice in front of Wooyoung. The latter gave him a lazy smile in thanks, his warm scent fully relaxed. Reaching out mentally, Yeosang could feel the echoes of contentment through their bond. His chest tightened painfully at the haziness of the connection. He wondered if any of them had noticed the bonds thinning from their ends. Had they even bothered to check? Yeosang quickly raised his barrier as his thoughts darkened. He didn’t want the negativity to echo when they were all feeling relaxed. Still, their lack of interest provided him with an odd mixture of relief and torment. They didn't mind having him there but they also didn't seem to mind him not being there. His chest ached at the thought as he chewed without tasting.
At least they wouldn’t be hurt by his departure.
"Thanks for the meal," he forced himself to use an upbeat tone to not ruin the mood. He stood and collected his dishes absentmindedly. Noticing Wooyoung was done with his rice bowl, he reached out to stack it with his dishes.
A growl sounded, quickly echoed by three others. He yanked his hand back, the rice bowl clattering noisily on the table. He clenched his jaw to hide the way his teeth chattered as his beta shivered, cowering at the sounds and filling him with dread. He felt cornered as the four alphas bared their teeth at him, growls vibrating their chests.
"S-sorry," his face grew hot again, the fear mixed with humiliation as the omegas laughed.
"Stop being mean to my Yeosanggie," Wooyoung scolded them through light chuckles, slapping Jongho's thigh in mock discipline.
Yeosang forced out a laugh of his own before excusing himself, his beta still curled up anxiously. He knew how his members were after a heat or a rut. They did not like him touching them or getting too close the following day. He finished clearing his dishes with forced calmness and then headed straight to his room, knees buckling once in the safety of his four walls.
He choked on a sob, biting his hand to keep quiet as tears streamed down his face. He’d ruined his last meal with them.