Chapter Text
I kneel into a dream where I am good and I am loved.
I am good. I am loved.
— Natalie Wee, Least of All
The train stopped in the middle of the road. And it did not start back.
Soon the wagon filled with the loud, unpleasant sound of a thousand voices complaining one over the other. People began shouting about how they were gonna be late for work and how their bosses were gonna cut their wage in half, some whined about how they had left their kids alone at home and that they were gonna find the house burned to the ground if they did not return in time. Others muttered out loud curses about how nothing was the way it used to be back when the Republic still existed, that these trains were older than their grandparents and how they were collapsing before everybody’s eyes and what a wonder it was that there hadn’t yet been a catastrophic accident and how they hadn’t yet took the corner.
On the seat behind right the mother and the son, the baby in a young man’s arms suddenly burst into tears, probably crying for his mother or begging for food, or maybe he couldn’t stand the rattling either. An older man headed the baby’s way and almost snatched the poor child out of his father’s arms, threatening to throw him out the window if it didn’t shut his mouth as soon as possible. Han squeezed his eyes, the chaotic chorus of voices and cries being too much to bear for his poor little ears, raising his tiny hands to cover them up in an attempt to diminish the noise. But they just got louder and louder and his head started to hurt, and he could hear a girl in the back of the wagon screaming at the top of her lungs for help and a woman and a man which began throwing fists at each other not so far from their seat and–
“Come, let’s get down.’’ he could barely hear his mother’s voice through all that killing noise, but he did not protest when she firmly grabbed his hand and dragged him behind her, holding in her other hand the basket full of groceries they had just gotten from the city. Making their way through the crowd, they at last reached the door, and it took Alecta a few pushes until she managed to open it. She thrusted Han through the narrow doorway, then gently lifted her skirts and followed him down the stairs.
The train had stopped in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in the endless, overgrown weed fields between Tyrena and Farske. A few moments later more and more passengers followed their example and rushed to ger out of the train compartment, hitting at each other while each struggled to get down faster, cursing and crying as they struggled to fit two at the time through the tapered doorstep. Han clung to his mother’s skirts and hid behind her like a little chick seeking protection under mother hen’s wing, clutching the mustard yellow fabric between his little fingers as he watched how the wagon slowly emptied. Some sat down on the train tracks and lighted up their cigarettes, not bothering to share their smoke with anyone besides themselves or their little group and throwing acid stares in every direction possible; others went after the kids, diving into the abnormally tall grass to fetch them before they got bitten by a snake, but most of them gathered in small circles and exchanged complaints about how everything was falling apart nowadays and how lucky they were that at least there wasn’t any kind of accident and nobody got hurt.
“It’s alright, they won’t hurt us as long as we don’t get involved. Just don’t stare too much or they might actually get really mad.’’ Alecta assured her son as she put a firm hand on his shoulder, shifting her gaze towards the conductor which had just stepped out of his compartment, running a hand through his gray, oily hair as he muttered some curses under his breath.
“Alright, alright. Everybody calm the fuck down! I really don’t wanna be responsible for you trying to kill each other because of a stupid, fuckass train!’’ the man spoke in a coarse, tired tone, taking an unwanted break midway to cough. “Listen up, this one is dead! And I mean it–’’
“Oh, is it really, or are you just too fucking lazy to try and fix it so that hopefully we’ll get to Matsva by two?’’ a young girl – must have been barely 19 – with ginger hair and a bottom lip piercing puffed rolling her eyes as she put out her cigarette on the train track, hugging her legs closer to her chest with the most done expression Han ever saw. “Come now, you could at least try to see if you can do something about it rather than sit like you’ve got roots tying you down, wear your nose up so proudly and yell at us why we are complaining so much. Just a suggestion .’’ the girl added, ending her little monologue with the sweetest yet most ironic smile. Too bad for her that the conductor did not seem willing to forgive her so easily; the man turned his head around and glared at her for a moment, then painted on his most kind and warm smile possible, yet his eyes burning with such rage that Han could almost see him wrapping his arthritis-branded fingers around her fragile neck and choking the soul out of the poor girl’s body out of anger.
“Well, mia kar, if you are so sure that I would willingly let us strand in the middle of the road, potentially get only half of my payment by the end of the week because of something that wasn’t even my fault, then I assure you that even a screerat has more brain than you.’’ the man clasped his hands together as he approached her sight, maintaining that murderous smile the entire time. “So why don’t you go and fix that train yourself if you consider me such an incompetent?”
“Nah, I pay monthly for my train subscription; 30 credits per month from each one of us should be enough to cover up maintaining these iron beasts and maybe not having us sit in chairs which smell like an old man pissed himself there before he died.’’ the redhead puffed with a wicked grin on her face, revealing her two crooked front teeth. Her friends surrounding her, two men and another woman, muttered something to themselves as they giggled, clearly invested in whatever little disaster was about to blow. “Besides , I didn’t call you incompetent. You just said that yourself. Personally, I would have used the term impotent.’’
The conductor did not think twice before digging his nails into the skin of the girl's neck, and she did not hold back from crying and screaming her guts out as the man continued to strangle her with greeting teeth. One of the redhead’s friends tried to drag him away but was pulled back so violently that he hit his head on the train track and did not get up. A small yet rich river of blood began flowing from his left temple and leaked down to his chin, eyes locked in horror and lips parted in shock forever. The other man and woman shielded each other scared, watching in terror with the rest of the crowd as their friend continued to scream for her life as she helplessly pulled his hair hopelessly trying to free herself of his deadly grip. A mother covered her little daughters’ eyes as she started screaming in sync with the redhead, then her little voice slowly broke until it turned into ugly crying.
“Come, we’ll go by foot.’’ Alecta whispered as she grabbed her son’s hand and tightly clenched it, drawing Han in the opposite direction with heavy steps.
But even far from there, even if he wasn’t directly looking, even though his body was going in the opposite direction and his feet stumbled as fast as they could, he still heard the girl’s last quiet, wretched cry as her will wore out and the last mouth of life slowly left her body. He still heard her painful, miserable moan as she choked to death and never drew breath again.
Han was only five years old when he saw someone dying for the first time.
And off they headed and a tomb-like silence washed over them like a heavy veil. They took the course of the train tracks straight ahead until they reached a crossroad, that was when they had to stop for a moment before Alecta finally took the left turn and they continued their journey. They did not speak – well, his mother did not speak – yet they both carried the heavy cross of the girl’s death on their shoulder. Even though it was none’s fault, the guilt seemed to eat on both of them like maggots chewing on a dead dog’s flesh. And no matter how killing the weight of the quietness was or how much both of them wished to wash away the tension, just the slightest, none of the two had the guts to make a move. Soon enough they came across the sight of a ribbon of water, a river piercing through the endless dryness of the fields.
“You wanna hear a story?’’ his mother asked as they went up a wooden bridge to pass across the river, playing with their intertwined fingers to give him a bit of comfort. She turned her head gently to pay better attention to his answer. Han nodded his head in approval, still looking half-down and keeping his head low. “Do you want a story you already know or a new one?”
Han brought his fingers together, then shortly signed New.
“Alright, new shall it be.’’ Alecta approved, then hummed a soft Hmm as she thought for a moment. Then a shy, almost excited smile brightened her face as she began: “Once upon a time there was a railroad line – just like the one here on Corellia. Wait, what are you saying? – Don't ask where, don't ask when! I don’t know! But I know that it was the road to Hell. Our story happens during hard times, hard times just like these: where people licked the smallest crumbs of bread off their plates to satisfy their aching stomachs. Hard times in a world of gods. . . and men.”
By the time Alecta got halfway through her story, the scorching sun of the noon had already taken over the sky and soon enough began to make its presence unbearable. Han’s stomach rumbled in protest, and the little boy blushed ashamed as his mother giggled amused at the sound. It was time for a well-deserved break. Another half an hour, maybe half an hour and a quarter, and they’ll soon come across their little town. The toughest part of the journey had passed, they could afford sitting down to eat something. They took a little dive into the weeds, leaving the train tracks a bit behind and took refuge under a tall three, protected by the bitter sunrays and its unkind heat.
Alecta sat crossed leg and Han followed her example as he watched patiently as she took out their groceries from the basket to prepare a little meal for them two: a loaf of whole grain bread, a small block of blue cheese and half a roll of Bantha salami. He flinched a little when Alecta took out her pocket knife from the little bag over her shoulder, eyeing its silver blade as the woman began cutting the bread. He only saw his mother use it once, not to kill anyone as the conductor had done, although he did not require any kind of weapon which only terrified Han even more – but to protect the both of them from a mad Corellian Hound who had almost managed to chop them into fine meat pieces. He hated the sight of that knife and most of the time he liked to think it wasn’t even there, but in that moment he was never more glad of its existence as the woman pressed a thin slice of cheese and two strips of salami between two slices of bread and handed it to him, then made a twin sandwich for herself as well. They ate in silence, this time in a much more comfortable atmosphere and stripped off any tension. Han had already finished his portion and was whipping away crumbs from his shirt when his mother was barely half-done.
“Will you finish the story? ” Han signed with pleading eyes and a timid smile on his face, placing his left hand on his heart in a Pretty please as the woman puffed amused with her mouthful.
“Just let me finish my food, and then I promise – we aren’t leaving until I am not done with the story. But I would like to eat first, alright?” she spoke after swallowing her bite, and her boy nodded in approval, laying his head in his mother’s lap as he fidgeted bored with a thread of grass. Alecta dug her hand into his dark chat waves, toying with his outgrown strands of hair. “Oh, I should really give you a haircut. I can’t even see your eyes anymore thanks to these wild bangs.’’ she muttered softly to which Han shook his head. “No? You don’t want me to cut it?” to which Han spelt a No with his little fingers. “Alright, as you wish, but you’ll have to learn to tie it with an elastic to keep it from covering your lovely face.’’ the woman smiled as the breeze played with her wheat colored curls. She closed her olive green eyes as she savored the touch of the chilling winds on her tanned skin, lips still curled in a shy smile.
And Han smiled too and closed his eyes as well, allowing himself to drift away from the world as he would lose in his mother’s sweet hums and soon fell prey to sleep, head laid in Alecta’s lap as he lovingly stroke his hair and the breeze would wash over them and the tree guarded them underneath its shadow.
Not so far away, on the rusty old tracks, a train shook the earth violently as it made its way into the meadow where they both laid. Alecta watched the train pass silently, but did not bother to wake up her sleeping son. Han had heard the train too, but did not get up either.
The train soon disappeared out of sight, leaving a barely visible trail of black smoke as a phantom memory.