Chapter Text
Fernando and Mark
18:42pm
Mark
What time are you coming home darling?
Nando🧡
I'll be one hour
Why?
Mark
Nothing.
I just miss you.
Nando🧡
😘
"Fernando is home in one hour!" Mark announced. "We need a plan!"
"Shit! We can't order a new telly in one hour!" Jenson replied, putting his hands on his head.
"Can't we just say it was Seb and call it a day?" Lewis asked.
"Babe, we don't want Seb to be the victim of a Fernando meltdown." Nico replied.
Kimi appeared from the doorway. "Seb is packing a bag and running away. Say goodbyes now."
"Fucking hell!" Mark sighed angrily and headed upstairs to Seb's room.
Here's the situation: Seb, Jenson and Lewis were playing just dance, and Seb accidentally launched his controller at the TV, leaving a massive crack in the screen. The TV in question was bought 2 weeks ago by Fernando, who might actually explode if he sees the damage. Thus, everyone else has teamed up to try and come up with a plan to hide the evidence before Fernando gets home. It is not going well.
Jenson's face lit up. "I have a plan! Do we have any black paper?"
"Who the fuck has black paper?" Nico scoffed.
"I have some! One second!" Lewis shot upstairs to retrieve it.
"I mean- thank goodness Lewis has black paper!" Nico corrected himself.
"Okay, here's the plan." Jenson began once Lewis returned with the paper. "We cover the screen with black paper so it looks like the telly is turned off, and until we get a replacement, try and keep Fernando out of this room."
"Shit idea."
"You got a better idea, Kimi?" Jenson asked.
"No. But yours is still shit."
"It's all we've got, let's do it." Nico said, taking the paper from Lewis and heading towards the cracked TV. "Okay Lewis, I'll hold it on this side, you hold it on the other. Jenson, you tape it down."
Jenson raised an eyebrow. "I don't have any tape?"
"Then go and fucking get some!" Lewis snapped, making Jenson scurry away to find tape.
"I will go and check on Seb and Mark." Kimi said flatly, leaving and heading upstairs.
Kimi could already hear the two talking before he reached the bedroom.
"Seb, it's alright! You don't have to move out." Mark tried to reason.
"It's either I leave or I am killed by Fernando. What would you prefer?" Seb answered, throwing a pair of slippers into his bag.
Kimi entered the room. "They have a plan. It's shit."
Mark scoffed. "How bad is it?"
"They are putting black paper over the screen. Covers up the crack."
Mark laughed to himself. "Fucking idiots. He's gonna divorce me!"
"Maybe." Kimi added.
"Not helping, Kimi. Look, can you try and talk some sense into Seb? I need to go and make sure the others don't break the TV any more." Mark didn't give Kimi time to answer before leaving the room.
Kimi stood in silence and watched Seb zip up his bag (which consisted of slippers, a shirt, one pair of trousers, a sock, his headphones and a bag of sweets.)
"If you leave, I never kiss you again."
Seb froze, holding onto the bag. He scowled at Kimi before beginning to unpack.
"That was easy." Kimi shrugged.
"You're lucky I love you." Seb replied, trying and failing to hide the smile on his face.
--------
"Oh boys, that looks shit!" Mark scoffed as he entered the room and looked at the TV, terribly covered in black paper. "It's not even the right shade of black!"
Lewis stepped back to take a look. "You're right, that does look shit."
"Oh come on, it's not that bad." Jenson tried, but no one listened.
Nico got up, "Well, Seb's dead."
Lewis nodded. "It was nice knowing him... most of the time."
"He will be missed." Jenson added.
Mark's phone buzzed.
Fernando and Mark
18:49pm
Nando🧡
Change of plan, I'll be home in 10!
"Oh fuck."
"What now?" Jenson asked.
"Fernando texted. 'I'll be home in 10'." Mark looked at the guys around him.
There was a pause.
"Fuck."
"Fuck."
"Fuck."
In that moment, Seb and Kimi entered the room.
"Running away then, Seb?" Lewis questioned.
Seb smirked, "Not anymore, Kimi has con- what the fuck did you do to the TV?"
"Is it that obvious?" Jenson asked but no one acknowledged his question.
Nico scratched his head. "Um... we tried to cover up the damage."
Seb stood in stunned silence for a second. "That looks shit!"
"That's what I said!" added Mark. "Guys, I'm sorry but I think we just have to tell him Seb broke the TV."
Seb's eyes widened. "No, we can't!"
"Or..." A grin crept onto Lewis' face. "We tell him it broke, but not how it broke."
"So we lie to Fernando?" Seb questioned.
"Precisely, Seb!" Lewis answered cheerily.
"Okay, but what do we say?" Jenson countered.
Lewis shrugged, "I don't know, I was hoping for suggestions."
...
"Roscoe did it." Kimi offered.
As if on cue, Roscoe walked into the room, hobbling over to Lewis and laying down by his feet.
"We are not blaming our baby Roscoe!" Lewis exclaimed, leaning down to pet him. "He would never do wrong!"
Nico sighed, "That's what Kimi's saying, babe. The dog can do no wrong, so if we blame him, Fernando won't be as angry."
Lewis nodded slowly. "Ohh, I see!"
"God, you're so slow." Jenson scoffed.
"Hey-" Lewis tried to argue but Mark cut in.
"Okay let's do it. Take the stupid paper off the TV, and we'll blame the dog."
Everyone nodded and left the room as Jenson ripped the paper down.
--------
"I'm back!" Fernando called as he came through the front door.
Mark exhaled sharply before going to greet him.
"Hey, darling!" he said, faking a smile.
Fernando raised an eyebrow. "You're acting weird."
"What? No I'm not." Mark replied.
Fernando looked Mark up and down. "Did something happen?"
"...How can you tell?" Mark sighed.
"It's too quiet. Also, I know you mi amor." Fernando laughed. "So what's wrong?"
Mark hesitated. "Well... just follow me."
Fernando became suspicious. "Should I be worried?"
Mark said nothing as he entered the living room and looked at the broken TV. He watched as Fernando looked around the room and spotted the broken screen. Mark saw the colour drain from his husband's face.
"What... happened..?"
Fernando was furious.
"Um... it was the dog." Mark answered quietly, slightly scared of what Fernando was about to do.
He stood there for a second before answering. "The dog did that?" Fernando repeated.
"Yes."
...
"Stupid fucking dog! How does a dog even do that?" Fernando walked over to the TV and pointed at the crack on the screen. "How the fuck? Seriously, how?!"
"Darling, you-"
"You know what? I need a shower. Stupid, stupid dog!" Fernando yelled, muttering something in Spanish as he stormed up the stairs.
From the living room, Mark heard Lewis and Fernando arguing.
"Hey, Roscoe isn't stupid!"
"Don't you fucking start, Lewis!"
"...Sorry."
Mark let out a big sigh of relief. "That could've gone worse." he muttered to himself.
He stood in the living room alone for a minute until his stomach growled. It was his turn to cook tonight, but he really didn't want to.
Takeaway it is.
He made his way upstairs and knocked on Lewis and Nico's door. "Guys?"
He heard shuffling from inside the room. "Come in!" Nico called.
Mark chuckled to himself and opened the door. "Can you two survive 30 seconds without touching each other?"
"Yes we can, thanks!" Lewis replied sarcastically.
"Now, why have you disturbed us?" Nico questioned.
"We're having a takeaway, what do you fancy?"
"Pizza!" Lewis answered quickly.
Mark nodded. "Sorted. The usual?"
Nico smiled, "One pepperoni and one gross, freaky vegan pizza."
Lewis looked at Nico, offended. "It's not gross or freaky!"
"It is a bit." Mark added before shutting the door.
"Did someone say pizza?" Seb asked peeking his head out of his room.
Mark smiled, "Yes they did. What do you two want?"
Seb looked at Kimi. "Well, Kimi is asleep-"
"What, already? It's just gone 7 o'clock!"
Seb shrugged. "Said he needed a nap, but we'll share a sausage pizza, please."
"Alrighty." Mark replied.
"Thank you!"
Mark headed to the next room along at the end of the corridor. "Jenson?"
Jenson, whose door was already open, looked up from his phone. "You alright? How did Fernando react?"
Mark sighed. "Oh, he's pissed. But at least he believed it was the dog."
Jenson laughed. "Of course he did."
"Anyway," Mark continued, "Pizza tonight, what do you want?"
"Get in! I'll have a mushroom please." Jenson smiled.
"You're so weird." Mark joked.
"Don't hate it until you've tried it Mark, mushroom on pizza is delicious!"
Mark shook his head, "If you say so. Well, wish me luck. I have to ask Fernando what he wants now."
"Yikes. Good luck, soldier." Jenson saluted.
Mark chucked and saluted back before heading to the bathroom.
He paused outside the door for a minute before knocking. Hopefully Fernando wasn't as mad as he was a minute ago. "Darling?"
...
"Fernando..?"
...
"Come in."
Mark entered the bathroom and was instantly engulfed with steam. "Fucking hell, how hot is that water?"
"Not hot enough." came the reply.
"I can't even see you!" Mark complained.
Fernando laughed. "Too bad!"
There was a brief moment of silence. Mark went to say something, but Fernando spoke again.
"Lo siento, Mark. I shouldn't have shouted like that earlier."
Mark shrugged. "Don't apologise, I think it was justified... Don't tell Lewis I said that."
"Him and that dog, honestly." Fernando sighed.
Mark chuckled. "Anyway, we're having pizza. What do you fancy?"
"I'll have whatever you have, mi amor."
"Margherita for you, then." Mark replied with a smile.
"Sounds good."
Jenson and Seb
19:13pm
Jens
Can yu tell Kimi to stop snoring pls?
Seb
No hes asleep
Jens
Fuck yoi
Being in the room next door to Seb and Kimi might just be the worst thing about Jenson's life. Having to listen to them compliment each other was bad enough, but the worst thing was by far Kimi's snoring.
After listening to the snoring for another minute, his patience ran out. Jenson got up and went into Seb and Kimi's room without knocking.
"Hey, he's trying to sleep! And what happened to knocking?" Seb scowled at Jenson.
"Fist of all, pizza arrives soon so he has to wake up anyway. Secondly, you never knock on my door. Third of all, I cannot listen to his snoring anymore!" Jenson snapped.
"What's got you in such a mood?" Seb chuckled.
"What do you think?" Jenson spat.
Seb pouted, "I think it's cute!"
"You think everything Kimi does is cute, Seb." Jenson sighed.
"That's my job."
Jenson decided to take matters into his own hands. "Kimi! Kimi! Wake up!"
Kimi stirred and opened his eyes slowly. "Bwoah. Bright."
Seb narrowed his eyes at Jenson. "Turn the light off on the way out. Hope you're happy."
"My ears are!" Jenson laughed as he left the room without turning the light off and leaving the door open a tiny bit to piss Seb off.
"Fuck you, Jens!"
...
He grunted angrily before getting up, closing the door and turning off the light. The warm, orange sunset outside was enough to lighten the room.
"What time it is?" Kimi asked, voice low from sleep.
Seb looked at Kimi and chuckled, not bothering to correct him. "7:15. You've been asleep for less than 15 minutes."
"Bwoah. It feels like morning." Kimi frowned.
"You look so cute when you've just woken up from a nap." Seb told him.
A small smile tugged at the edge of Kimi's lips.
"I love that I'm the only one who can make you smile." Seb joked.
Kimi rubbed his eyes before looking at Seb. "No one else is like you."
Seb chuckled. "You are so sweet and cute, I love you." he replied, pressing a kiss to Kimi's cheek.
From the other room, Jenson sighed. "Here we go again."
--------
Fernando headed to the bedroom after getting out the shower. When he opened the door, he was greeted with someone who he really didn't want to see right now.
"Roscoe."
Fernando muttered the name and sighed, looking at the dog laying on his bed. Upon seeing Fernando, Roscoe perked up and walked to the edge of the bed with his tongue out.
"How did you even manage to break the TV, huh?" He asked the dog, reluctantly stroking his head. "You little shit."
Fernando sighed as Roscoe flopped over asking for a belly rub.
"Mierda." Fernando tutted, rubbing the dog's belly. "Now look away, I need to change."
Roscoe didn't move, looking up at Fernando with big eyes.
"Roscoe look away!" Fernando tried again.
Nothing.
"Fernando are you having a conversation with the dog like he's a human?" came a voice from outside the door.
"He's just looking at me! I need to change." Fernando shouted back.
"It's a dog! He can't understand you. Besides, he doesn't care." Nico laughed from outside.
"Easy for you to say, your boyfriend spends almost every second with him!"
"True." Nico replied.
"Yeah, who wouldn't want to be with Roscoe every second?" Lewis chimed in. "Besides, he wanted to apologise for the TV."
Fernando shook his head. "You put him in here?"
"Maybe..." Lewis said quietly. "Like I said, he wants to apologise."
"No he doesn't! This fucker doesn't care about the TV!" Fernando scoffed.
"Hey! Don't talk about Roscoe like that!" Lewis shouted.
Fernando sighed. He should never have agreed to getting a dog. "Whatever. I'm letting the dog out so I can change in peace, one second." he said as he opened the door a crack to shoo Roscoe out.
"Hey, boy! You're such a sweet little baby, aren't you?"
"Lewis, please stop talking to the dog like it's a baby."
"But he's my baby!"
Nico and Lewis began bickering outside as Fernando changed into shorts and a t-shirt.
He came out of the bedroom once he had finished changing. "Shut the fuck up, you two!"
Lewis and Nico were stunned into silence, Roscoe panting gently in Lewis' arms.
Jenson appeared suddenly, walking down the corridor laughing. "You got told!"
Fernando flicked him on the ear as he passed.
"Ow!"
"Ha!" Nico laughed.
At that moment, the doorbell went.
Everyone froze for a second before realising what that meant.
"Food!"
"Pizza!"
"YES!"
"Finally, I'm starving."
"Food's here guys!" Mark called from downstairs, "Someone let the 2 lovebirds know!"
"On it!" Nico replied, smirking. "Babe, come with me for this."
"But I'm so hungry!" Lewis complained.
"So you don't want to scare Seb and Kimi while they're making out? I can guarantee that's what they're doing right now." Nico raised an eyebrow.
Lewis thought for a second before grinning. "Let's go."
They made their way to Seb and Kimi's door and stood outside for a second.
"Okay." Nico whispered. "On 3, open the door."
Lewis nodded.
"One... Two... Three!"
The door flew open with a bang, making Seb scream.
"What the fuck!?" he gasped, scrambling off of Kimi and accidentally whacking him on the head in the process.
"Ow."
"Oh my god, you were right Nico!" Lewis cried, holding onto his chest and laughing.
"Get your tongue out of his throat, Seb!" Nico joked.
"Oh, like you don't do the same with Lewis!" Seb countered, trying to fix his messy hair.
"God, I wish I recorded that!" Lewis chuckled.
Kimi looked up at Lewis and Nico, red in the face. "Not funny."
"Fucking hell, what do you want, anyway?" Seb questioned angrily.
"Oh, pizza is here." Lewis shrugged, still smirking.
Seb scoffed. "And you couldn't have knocked? Why does no one in this house knock?!"
Nico laughed, "It's more fun to embarass you two."
"Come on Romeo and Romeo, let's go eat." Lewis grinned as he left the room.
"Good. I am hungry." Kimi replied.
"Scheiße." Seb shook his head but got up and followed the others downstairs.
--------
Usually, everyone would eat together in the living room and watch something on the TV, but for obvious reasons, they can't today. Instead, everyone is chatting through mouthfulls of pizza, and the TV has been turned around as requested by Fernando, who didn't want to see the broken screen.
"Lewis, don't feed Roscoe pizza!" Jenson laughed.
"It's the crust!" Lewis argued. "Bread isn't gonna kill him."
"Vegan bread might." Seb joked.
"You lot don't get it." Lewis sighed.
"Yeah, we really don't." Mark added.
Fernando chimed in, "Dogs who break the TV don't deserve pizza anyway. How did he even do it?"
Kimi shrugged. "He jump, I guess."
"Not sure, I didn't see it happen." Lewis said.
"Neither." Nico added.
"Maybe he just-"
"Wait." Fernando cut Jenson off. "Lewis, you weren't there when it happened?" he questioned.
"No..." Lewis lied.
Fernando looked at him for a second before his face twisted. "You're telling me you weren't with Roscoe?"
Everyone froze.
"Well, no." Lewis replied, shooting everyone a worried glance, as if to say 'someone help me!'
"Bullshit." Fernando cursed. "You're always with that dog, and you would never leave him alone in this room."
"I-" Lewis tried to counter, but didn't know what to say.
"What the fuck happened to the TV?"
No one dared move or speak. Eventually, Mark gained the courage to talk.
"It's... complicated."
Fernando turned to look at Mark. "You lied to my face about this."
Mark panicked. "Yes, because-"
"Who did it?"
...
Silence again.
Fernando inspected everyone closely, they were all too scared to move.
From his left, he heard a cough.
Fernando snapped his head around. "...Seb?"
Seb looked up instantly, faking a smile. "Y- yeah?"
Kimi held onto Seb's hand for support.
"Fernando, maybe-" Jenson tried, but a glare from Fernando cut him off.
"How?" Fernando questioned.
Seb looked like he was about to cry. "We- um... we were playing just dance..."
Fernando scowled. "Define 'we'."
"Me, Jens and Lewis." Seb answered, looking down.
"...And?"
Seb was silent for a moment.
Lewis grabbed Nico's arm for comfort, shooting Seb an apologetic glance.
Jenson grabbed Mark's arm for comfort, which Mark reluctantly allowed.
Seb took a deep breath. "The controller... slipped out my hand and hit the TV."
...
"Sorry, I really need the toilet!" Nico lied and legged it from the room.
"Yeah actually, I need to um... change the bedsheets." Lewis exclaimed, following Nico out the room.
Jenson looked around. "I... am going to be sick." he announced before leaving as well.
"Oh, that's terrible!" Mark exaggerated, "I'm gonna go check on Jenson."
...
Fernando was left in the room with Seb and Kimi.
"So... What's your plan then, Seb?" Fernando asked after a long minute of silence.
Seb looked at Kimi for help, but got nothing. "Wha- what do you mean?"
"I mean, how are you going to sort this out?"
Seb stammered, confused as to why Fernando wasn't screaming at him right now. "I could...um-"
"You could..?" Fernando encouraged.
"...Buy a new one?"
Fernando nodded. "Sí. I like the sound of that. Okay." he agreed, returning to his pizza.
Seb raised an eyebrow. "What, that's it?"
Fernando glanced at him. "Yes? Why, do you want to do something else?"
"No, no!" Seb cleared. "I just- nevermind."
Fernando said nothing and just kept eating, so Seb took the opportunity to get out the room, his heart still racing.
Outside the living room however, he found Nico, Lewis, Jenson and Mark all standing behind the wall, listening intensely.
"Are you lot fucking serious?" Seb whispered.
"What happened? We heard no shouting." Nico asked.
"Not the time or place, guys!" Seb hissed.
"Come on, spill it!" Lewis encouraged.
"Yeah, I'm intrigued!" Mark added.
Seb shook his head at Mark. "You too?"
"I've heard plenty of Fernando meltdowns, it's way nicer when it's not directed at me."
"Seb, tell us what happened!" Jenson whispered impatiently.
Seb shook his head in defeat, "He just told me to buy a new one."
"...That's it?" Jenson questioned.
"You sound disappointed..?" Seb replied.
"Well, we expected Fernando to spontaneously combust to be honest." Nico said.
"I have no idea what that means, but okay." Seb rolled his eyes. "Now, do any of you fancy lending me some money to pay for this TV?"
"Absolutely not."
"No way."
"Not a chance."
"I can give you a tenner?"
Seb sighed. "I hate you all."
--------
...
"I thought you were going to kill him." Kimi spoke after an awkward silence between him and Fernando, who were left alone in the living room.
"Tempting." Fernando replied, "But watching how scared they all get when I'm angry is far more entertaining."
Kimi exhaled a laugh as his phone buzzed.
Webonso's children
19:35pm
Jenson
Is it safe tk come back in now?
I want to finis my pizza
Kimi
Yes
Lewis
i don't believe you🤨
Nico
It's too quiet
Kimi
Fine stay out there then
Jenson
Okat I'm coming in one sec
Seb
Jens you really need to work on your spelling
Lewis
haha
Jenson
Fuck yku
Fuck yu
Fucj you
Okay I give yp
UP
Nico
💀💀
Seb
Nico since when do you use emojis
Lewis
an angel has gained its wings💕
Kimi
Stop texting like old peoples
Come in
Jenson
Kimi bless you amd your english
Lewis
like yours is any better🙄
and you're FROM england😭
Jenson
No comment
Kimi
You spell that right
Well done
Lewis
congrats jens!!🎉
Jenson
Shut up
Nico
It took him 10 seconds to type that out correctly
Lewis
😭😭
Jenson
I hate yku all