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It was the combination of sore limbs from sitting for too long and boredom of reading the same tropes over and over that eventually dragged Nesta out of the armchair by the window and toward the less perused sections of the House of Wind's library.
Although she had access to a multitude of genres from the library of the priestesses and the House, she found herself most drawn to happily ever afters between...sensual and shameless characters, where every available surface was given its time in the spotlight.
But there was only so much unsophisticated jargon about hardening members and quivering lengths she could stomach before it was high time to expand her reading habits to something more...constructive. So there she found herself, in the psychology section, kneeling down to read the titles on the lowest shelf.
Nesta often found herself wondering more about her new world, about how much knowledge Faeries had managed to gain, especially since so many of the historical libraries in the human lands had been burned down after the war.
There wasn't much she was allowed to read anyway, her topics were restricted to learning how to court a man, how to run a household and how to speak foreign languages.
Now settled into Prythian, Nesta found herself itching for the knowledge she'd never been allowed to have, and while she longed to browse the shelves of the Day Court, these ones would have to do. As she traced the titles with her thumb, her eye caught on a particular gold lettering, "Relationship Building: Who do we love, and how can we show it?".
She pulled it off the shelf, and took a moment to admire the soft, velvety maroon cover with gold details that snaked up and down the border like vines.
Reluctantly, Nesta had been convinced by Gwyn to visit the mind healers in the priestesses library. She had complained to her friend that once training was over, it didn't take too long for the cloudiness and anxiety to return to her once calm mind, and Gwyn had opened up about how the mind healers help her too, and maybe Nesta should give it a try.
So far, their sessions had been slow, as Nesta wasn't ready to be so forthcoming with a stranger. But Dr Helene had been patient and kind, carefully coaxing Nesta out of her shell until she confessed that sometimes, she felt like she didn't know how to be what Cassian needed.
And it was those moments that terrified her, which made her think Cassian would realise they weren't right for each other, and she couldn't love him like he deserved.
It wasn't like their relationship was bad, not at all. In the months since she moved to the House of Wind, Nesta realised she loved Cassian, in an amount she never knew she could sustain. But being with Cassian was like freedom, like breathing.
In the mornings they trained, before diverging to attend to their various duties, and in the evenings they reunited, to talk, tease, or play games. After dinner, they'd snuggle up under the covers and she would read to him, until they turned off the faelights to sleep or do other things.
Nesta was happy. She was content.
It was just the anxiety that he wasn't, that kept her up at night while he slumbered with his arms around her.
So maybe it was fate that Nesta came across this particular text, or maybe she subconsciously knew she had to be in this section, but she wanted to research how to make their relationship better.
She stood, the book grasped in her hands, and made her way back to the armchair.
On second thought, a change of scenery would be good; some fresh air to clear her head.
She picked up the blanket resting on the back of the chair and made her way up the stairs to the roof, nervous to find out what answers the book would provide her.
The contents of the book had been quite interesting.
Nesta learnt about how your body can also sense if a person is right for you, how there were these things called "attachment styles" which were basically patterns of bonding between individuals, including those in romantic relationships, and about how the circumstances of two people meeting can affect how their relationship progresses and how their love for each other feels.
All of that was discussed early on in the book to contextualise the further sections of how can one use this knowledge to strengthen the way those in a relationship feel loved, and make it fulfilling for all parties.
That was another interesting fact Nesta learned, that sometimes, three people fall in love with each other, not just two like she'd been taught was the standard in the human lands.
She didn't know any polyamorous couples (could they even be called couples?) but that only strengthened her resolve to learn as much as she could about Prythian, to make the most out of being stolen from her bed and forced into a new world.
But all that further learning would have to wait because she noticed the sun beginning to descend, and as vulnerable as she tried to be sometimes, she wasn't willing to entertain the idea of Cassian spotting her reading a relationship-help book as he returned home from the skies.
She pushed herself off the chair the House had magicked for her, and made her way to her and Cassian's bedroom.
On the way to their room, Nesta couldn't stop thinking about the most alluring theory about relationships she learned: love languages.
It was just a fancy term for the way people liked to receive affection, but Nesta believed that figuring out Cassian's love language would be the key to soothing her anxiety that she wasn't good enough to love him.
The book had provided a list of questions to ask your partner, then depending on their answers, they should align with one or more of seven love languages listed.
She pushed open their door with one hand and quietly slipped inside. They'd left the bed unmade this morning, but the House had kindly remade it for them.
And as if it knew exactly what Nesta was planning, there were two notepads and two pens laying on their grey comforter, as well as a bottle of sparkling, pink chardonnay and two wine glasses on the top of their headboard.
She would laugh at the idea of the masculine, tough warrior drinking bubbles from a flute glass if she weren't so nervous about what they'd be doing while they drank.
She felt silly to need a book to know these things, felt immature. She was sure that Cassian already knew his love language, given how old he was, but she didn't have the confidence to ask him directly. She tried to reason with herself, to pick a positive and focus on it, as her mind healer would say.
An activity would be good for us, she thought, to bond and get comfortable. She hoped he felt the same way.
Their relationship was fairly new, and although she wanted to learn him naturally, she worried that putting it off would only result in her being more stressed out.
And eventually, like he always did, Cassian would pick up on her mood and they'd be having that conversation anyway. She could do this.
She would feel better if she prepared for this physically, too. She knew Cassian found her beautiful, at least he told her so every day, but she wanted to feel it, to give her the confidence to be vulnerable later.
Stripping away the dust of the day with rosy soap would definitely help.
Thankfully, the House had taken notice of her aversion to baths, and had added a shower to her bathtub in her old room, but here, there wasn't even a tub.
For our wings, he'd said. It's easier to move around while standing, and it's easier to clean them when the water slides down, compared to dipping and scrubbing. You know how sensitive our wings can get, Nes.
Heat grew in her cheeks and core as she recalled the innuendo in those words.
Perhaps alone time in a bath - a shower- was exactly what she needed lest she get distracted from the task at hand by Cassian's toned muscles, rugged beauty, and impressive wingspan.
She hid the book in the top drawer of her bedside table, entered the bathroom, and stripped.
She was careful to stand outside of underneath the shower head as she turned the handle towards the hot water side and pulled.
Maybe she would always be nervous between the moments of pulling the handle and the water beginning to spray.
A quick look out the window told her night was bound to fall soon, and she wanted to be freshly changed before Cassian arrived, so she braced herself before stepping under the firm shower.
Before slipping a hand between her thighs.
Cassian was antsy to get back to the House since the moment Nesta had accidentally let some of her anxiety slip through the bond.
He wasn't sure if she knew they were mates and was choosing to ignore it, or if she genuinely didn't know which was why these instances sometimes occurred, but regardless of the cause, he needed to get back.
But Rhys, damn him, had other plans.
He wanted Cassian to temporarily (which was just placating language for indefinitely) reside in Illyria to begin a new program within the camps.
Something about reminding the Illyrians who their general was by having Cassian live in each of the camps for a week or two and oversee training of the youth, bark orders at the seasoned warriors and assure the females were unbothered as they moved between parts of the camp.
Although Cassian could see why this was necessary, as his presence in his homeland had been severely lacking since the war, he still didn't want to.
Things were still so fresh and so good with Nesta that he couldn't stand to be apart from her after being separated for so long.
He tried explaining that to Rhys, that he wouldn't be able to take Nesta with him to every camp, because he didn't have a house for her to be safe in, because most Illyrians did not take kindly to her at all.
Rhys suggested they just build a small accommodation, but Cassian was vehemently against that idea.
If this program was going to work, he needed to show his people that he wasn't a snobby rich bastard, that he was capable of sleeping in the same cold tents as them, on the same hard ground, with the same warrior spirit that was so deeply a part of Illyria.
He couldn't be coddled away in the more conservative of the camps, let alone have a whole house built for him, knowing how impoverished and tight on resources most of Illyria could be.
So there was no way Nesta could come.
After hours of back and forth, they reached a compromise.
Cassian would begin the program at the tamer camps, ones near his own cabin and Rhys's mothers, and there, Nesta could join him. Then, he would tackle a quarter of the remaining camps, return to Nesta, rotate through the next quarter and so on.
Gods, just thinking about all the hours he'd have to spend flying sent exhaustion rippling down his back. Not that flying could truly ever bother him, but every Illyrian gets to a point where they need rest, no matter how prideful and reluctant they are to admit it.
But it would allow him to see Nesta, to hold her, to kiss her softly on the head and remind her how loved she was. It was worth it.
Suddenly content, Cassian jumped as he pushed his wings back in a powerful boom.
He could have taken off from the second floor, that little drop down before pushing his wings back made flying easier, but he was in no mood to delay seeing his mate.
He didn't bother looking back down to the River House, to the Sidra, to any part of Velaris, really. He kept his eyes ahead, every pulse of his wings chanting the same two syllables.
Nes-ta,
Nes-ta,
Nes-ta.
***
Touching down on the roof of the House of Wind, Cassian immediately noticed the dark blue armchair with a rumpled grey blanket hanging over the arm. Her scent of rose and vanilla lingered, meaning she wasn't far gone.
"Hope you took care of her today." He said to the House. It still felt strange, like he was talking to no one, but seeing Nesta do it from time to time had encouraged him to try.
But he'd never do it in front of anyone, lest the House not respond and make him appear a fool.
Surprisingly, the House responded, by flickering the lights. The House resumed them to their normal glow, but only on one side, creating a trail of flickering faelights as if he needed to follow them.
Well, okay then. He wasn't about to deny an all-seeing, magic house.
It wasn't like the House was taking him anywhere he didn't plan on going anyway. The trail ended in front of their bedroom door, and as he approached, if he zoned in on the sound, he could make out Nesta's heart beating faster with every step he took.
This is what he would be missing if Rhys's "intimidate Illyria" plan went ahead. No, he wouldn't think about that now.
He opened the door, and Nesta's head snapped up from the book she was staring down at (because he could tell she wasn't really reading it) and she tucked it under the covers.
"Good book?" He asked, delighted to see her brief blush, before she regained her composure with a smirk.
"Go shower, I can smell your stench from here." He laughed, because it was true.
He hadn't the time to shower after his sudden yet intense sparring match with Az before he needed to see Rhys, and he thrived on the amusement of seeing Rhys's face twist in disgust whenever he got too close.
"Want to help me get it off?" He asked, raising an alluring brow.
She snorted, amusement in her eyes, before turning back to her book.
He was already halfway through the bathroom door when he wondered what exactly she had been reading when he walked in, but he figured he'd find out soon enough.
Freshly showered, Cassian walked out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel, shaking his head to send water droplets flying about the room in a way he knew would get a rise out of Nesta, but his gaiety was stopped short when Nesta said nothing, didn't appear to react at all.
"Everything okay, Nes?" He asked, opening his dresser drawer and taking out a pair of soft cotton pants, as she probably didn't want to see him naked right now if something was wrong.
"Yes, I just...want to ask you something." His heart stuttered at the nervousness of her tone, the shyness he rarely heard from her.
He peeled the towel off from around his waist and quickly put the pants on, deciding to forgo a shirt because he was impatient to hear her question.
"Go ahead," he said, giving her what he hoped was a reassuring smile.
He climbed up his wide bed until he reached his pillow beside her, and propped it a bit higher on the headboard so he could sit comfortably with his wings, letting his legs spread out in front him, one of them bent so he could turn to face Nesta.
Nesta was sitting with her back against the head board, knees bent up, likely to prop up the book she had been reading.
She took a breath.
"I found a quiz..." It took everything in Cassian to not reach out to touch her. "I want to see what our love languages are."
His brows raised to his forehead.
Gods, it had been a while since he'd heard that term.
He and his brothers had taken a quiz about it as a joke when they were young, and they hadn't really brought it up again.
He was intrigued by the knowledge this was something Nesta wanted to do as well, but judging by her demeanour, he didn't think it was a joke to her.
Shit, he'd been quiet for too long. He quickly gathered his thoughts and said,
"That sounds fun, Nes. I took one-" he cringed as he realised just how old he was about to sound "-back in the day, but maybe my language has changed. I'd love to do it again, with you."
She released a breath of relief and it pained Cassian to know she'd been holding one. He wanted to kiss her mouth as her lips closed.
He thought she would ask what language he'd gotten last time, but she didn't.
She turned away from him then came back with two pens and two notepads from her bedside table. "Here." She said, handing him one of each.
He clicked the pen a few times, anxious to get that uncertain expression off her face.
Before he could do anything though, she turned away again, and this time he heard the sound of a drawer opening and closing, before she quickly turned back around and opened the book she'd retrieved, setting it on her knees.
He noticed how she was careful to press the cover to the comforter, so he couldn't see it, and his curiosity piqued.
Alright, this wouldn't do. He wanted to take this quiz with her, but neither of them would enjoy it if Nesta was so uncomfortable.
Luckily, he'd mastered the skill of making things easy.
"Watcha got there?" He said in a playful tone, grabbing the book from under her hands.
"Hey!" She said, a flush creeping up her neck, "Give that back!"
Not a chance. He snapped it shut so he could read the cover.
Relationship Building: Who do we love, and how can we show it?
His heart skipped a beat. Then three more.
Then it was pounding rapidly in his chest. Surely it would break a rib.
This was so incredibly sweet of her. Cassian knew Nesta struggled with opening up, with letting herself feel and with her confidence in a relationship.
And the fact that she was trying to learn how to make him feel loved...was everything.
He guessed he should have expected it, given the fact she wanted to know about his love language. He remembered it from all those years ago, that love languages were the ways you were advised to show someone you care, depending on what language they were.
He tore his attention from the book and turned to face her. He couldn't also be nervous. He had to show her that this was okay, it was normal and safe and that she doesn't need to be afraid.
"Hmmm, maybe I should take a read through this as well." He mused, "Can't let you pull all my weight, now can we?"
He was relieved to see her smile. "That's what the quiz is for, stupid bat." He grinned. "We'll both do it, then we'll check our answers and see what we get."
He started turning the pages, trying to find the quiz. Did Nesta read all four hundred pages of this?
"You know you could just check the contents page." She deadpanned, "Instead of floundering like an idiot."
He scowled, he should have thought of that.
"It's on page two hundred and forty-five." He should kiss her.
"Got it." He said, and he laid the book open between them. The quiz spanned two pages, two hundred and forty-five to two hundred and forty-six, and consisted of forty questions, most of them multiple choice.
Quickly, he grabbed his pen and notepad and messily scrawled one to forty down the left hand side, not bothering to make sure they were on the lines. When he was done, Nesta was still going, so Cassian watched as she wrote the where he did, but significantly neater. He admired the nimble yet precise way she held her pen, similar to how he'd seen Rhys write.
Suddenly he was embarrassed of his messier script, and looked away before Nesta noticed he was staring.
When they were both finished, Cassian paused. He wasn't sure if they were going to answer the questions together or on their own, and he wasn't sure what Nesta wanted to do either.
But he hoped they would do it together, so he could watch the blush rise in her cheeks when the question was intimate or her nose crinkle in annoyance when she found the options stupid. "So, now we just answer them? Should we go through them together?"
Nesta looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "No."
Cassian tried not to deflate.
"I think we should do them separately so we're giving honest answers without distraction."
Fair, he thought. She continued, "I'll do page two forty six because it's closer to me, then we'll swap."
"Alright, then. Any other orders, my queen?" He smirked at her glare.
Scandalously, Cassian wanted to discover the other occasions she was good at commanding, but he kept those thoughts to himself. This was about him and Nesta connecting emotionally, so physically would have to wait.
Readying his pen to write in his left hand, Cassian read the first question on page two hundred and forty-five. You're having a difficult day. What do you wish your partner would do first to cheer you up?
A) Hug you - It depends, is it a difficult day because of a fight with her? Then she probably wouldn't hug him
B) Remind you how much they love you - Cassian doesn't think Nesta is ready to say those words yet. She's more prone to running away from her feelings.
C) Invite you to do an activity together - But they don't have many common interests, besides training? And it really depends on what kind of mood he's in...would inviting her to train lead him to being snappy? And if he needs to blow off steam, he may need someone who can bear the brunt of his punches. He wouldn't want to hurt Nesta.
D) Make you your favourite meal. - He didn't even know if Nesta could cook, and given what they are to each other...probably not.
Gods-damnit, he was overthinking this.
He stopped himself from sighing, lest Nesta think he didn't want to do the quiz, but he really needed to get a grip.
Just think Cassian. What would you want? A hug.
Wow, that was easy. It was the first thing that came to his mind. That would be his strategy from now on. Read the question, absorb the options, then clear his mind and go with the first thing he thinks of.
In front of "1)" he wrote "A", then turned back to the book to read question two.
Cassian finished the quiz first, and Nesta tried not to get distracted by the feeling of him watching as she read and answered the last question.
It was a short answer question: "Without thinking, name one thing your partner has done for you that made you feel loved."
Nesta could feel Cassian's gaze burning into her side-profile, and she knew he was brimming with curiosity.
So was she, to be honest. That question brought back her anxieties of not being enough, and she was praying to gods she didn't believe in that Cassian had enough examples to write at least one thing down.
"All done?" He asked when she clicked her pen back in and put it aside. She wasn't looking, but she could hear the smile in his voice, the reassurance he was trying to convey.
Her heart warmed.
"Yeah, now let's see here." She grabbed the book from in between them and flipped over to the next page.
"It says, 'Each option is an example of one of the love languages. Count how many examples of each one you chose, and the ones you chose the most is your love language. It's normal to have more than one primary language or be a mix of many.'"
"Got it, sweetheart," he said, and she gasped as he pulled her in closer, until they were shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip.
"Now that's better," he smirked, and she let herself give a small smile.
She lay the book over both of their thighs, and they quickly wrote down what language aligned with each of their choices. At the very bottom of her pad, she wrote,
Words of affirmation: 15
Physical touch: 10
That was it then. Those were her love languages. She didn't expect those ones, but then again she didn't have an idea at all of what hers could be because she didn't know how to figure it out before.
But she didn't want to focus on herself just yet. She wanted to know Cassian's. She tried to peer over at his page.
Noticing her staring, Cassian said, "Hey, no cheating!"
"It's not a contest," she said lightly.
"I know, but we have to do a big reveal!" He was grinning like a fool. "On the count of three?"
She loosed a breath of relief. She could always count on Cassian to ease the tension.
"Three..."
"Two..."
"One! Physical touch!" "Which one do we say?"
Cassian blinked. "Just say your top one, Nes." His was physical touch...interesting. Nesta was sure he would be making plenty of innuendos soon.
"Um, words of affirmation." She felt a blush beginning to simmer on her cheeks.
"That's so cute!" He said, wrapping an arm around the back of her shoulders. "That means there's no excuse for you to not like it when I call you sweetheart."
She scoffed, lightheartedly, "Those aren't the same thing."
"Well, at least I now know you love it." She did. That she did.
Suddenly, his hands were on her waist and he pulled her up, plopping her onto his lap. She didn't remember when he'd moved the book and his pad out of the way. She let herself relax into his old, her cheek on his chest, his hands holding her close by her legs.
"You're so beautiful, Nes," he whispered, and she wondered if it was her earlier confession that made him say it. As if he could read her mind, he said, "I mean it," and he tilted her head up to face him with his fingertips.
"Every," he kissed her forehead,
"Single," he kissed her cheek,
"Inch," he kissed the other one,
"Of you," he kissed her mouth, and this time, he let the kiss go deeper, gently cupping her jaw to bring her closer.
Even if her anxieties and her fears of not being good enough wriggled their way into her mind, she knew that Cassian would be there to pluck each and every one of them out, and replace them with love and light.
This was peace. This was home.
He was her home, the man who understood her, saw every ugly part of her and still cared.
Still...she couldn't bring herself to say it.
But now, she knew how to show him.
Slowly, testing the grounds, she slid her hand up his chest, up the column of his neck to the base of his untied hair. She extended her fingers, exploring the curly locks and gently, she pulled.
"Nes," Cassian groaned, squeezing her tighter against him, if possible.
She broke their kiss. She turned to straddle him, pushing onto her knees so she was taller, before finding him once more, and tilting his head back, slipping in her tongue.
He held her from her lower back, eager to receive. She felt him hot and hard from where their hips met.
"Lay down," she ordered, softly. He tightened one arm around her waist, and used the other to shimmy further from the head board to find space, and hastily laid himself down.
Nesta didn't know how many years it would be before she could tell Cassian she loved him.
But she never wanted him to feel like he didn't have her love, her heart, all of it.
"Should I be scared of the plan I can see you making?" His deep, warm brown yet impossibly gold eyes locked onto hers. A challenge.
She let just a spark of her silver flames shine through. He grinned.
"No," she said, unconvincingly. "You just need to shut up, and enjoy."
Before he could respond, she palmed him firmly through his cotton pants. "Nesta," he groaned, hips trying to buck, but they were curbed by the weight of her.
Quickly, she took off his pants.
With every moan: I love you.
With every roll of her hips: I love you.
With every "Cassian!" She thought, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you.