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Coco tossed and turned in her bed for the umpteenth time, unable to fall asleep. She had retired to her room at the twenty-first clock mark, earlier than usual, but late enough that she could convincingly pass it off as being tired. The truth was that she couldn't bear to be around the others, keeping up the act and faking smiles all day long. It wasn't that she didn’t feel comfortable showing emotions around them, rather that she couldn’t give them a convincing explanation for how she felt without telling the truth about the parasitic silverwood. Venting to Qifrey was also out of the question, she didn’t want to add to his burden.
Coco still couldn’t wrap her head around it, how could such a horrible magic exist? one that deprived people of the chance to truly be happy…wasn't the purpose of magic to make the world a better place? That's what Qifrey had taught her, even when he was the one affected in such a predicament. What was the point of keeping up the lie? Why shield her from the truth? She didn't know what to believe anymore.
As Coco began contemplating getting out of bed, turning one last time, she suddenly found herself on the floor, still tangled in her sheets, having evidently misjudged the distance from the edge; apparently the decision had already been made for her.
She begrudgingly got up and checked the time, it was midnight, meaning 3 clock marks had been spent lying wide awake in her bed. Coco desperately needed a distraction.
She’d usually practice spells in situations like this, but…magic wasn’t exactly what she wanted to focus on at the moment.
Out of ideas, she looked out the window. The stars shone brightly, as they always did. It was a bit ironic, to know that no matter how dark things could get, the stars would keep on shining, uncaring. In the vastity of the universe, their problems really didn’t matter at all, did they? Even on their journey back home from the festival, the sky was just like this. Maybe sitting in the grass for just a bit would be nice.
Wrapping her blanket around her shoulders, Coco slowly made her way downstairs, mindful of avoiding the creaking spots on the wooden floor. In the months spent here she had memorized every peculiarity of the atelier, almost to the extent of her home back at the village. It almost felt wrong, to settle this much, to get this comfortable. She had betrayed mom and left her there as nothing more than a statue, alone and cold. What a good for nothing daughter she was.
Qifrey had tried to reassure her time and time again that it wasn’t her fault, that it was nothing more than a mistake. But there was a voice in her head that wouldn’t let her believe it. There was no room for forgiveness, there was no room for her back at home, not until she fixed it. And then there was the silverwood curse, she had to fix that too. So many things to fix-
Her breath caught in her throat as she missed the last two steps, unceremoniously tumbling down and smacking her face on the floor. Coco quickly got up, unscathed apart from a slight throbbing on her left cheek where her injury was still recovering, and frantically looked around, hoping none of the sleeping residents had heard that. She was only met with silence…good.
Making her way to the entrance, it wasn't until she stepped into the cold, humid grass that she realized her shoes had been forgotten in her room, but it didn't matter now, maybe the cold would be a welcome distraction from the horrible thoughts that plagued her mind. There in the open field she laid down on the blanket brought with her, looking up at the stars.
It was deadly silent, not even a peep from the nocturnal animals, which was rather unsettling. Coco was still completely alone with her thoughts, but this time, in the cold.
…Why had she even come out here? How could this make the situation better?
…Could anything ever make it better?
Right as she started to spiral again, a pair of approaching footsteps suddenly caught her attention. “Coco? What are you doing out here at this hour? You should be sleeping in bed!” Qifrey was wearing night clothes, his cloak over his shoulders. Of course professor Qifrey had heard her, he was a particularly light sleeper after all. She really had a knack for worrying him, huh?
Coco hastily sat up, waving her arms in what she hoped was a reassuring gesture. “Professor Qifrey! i was just…i thought the stars were pretty so i… well i actually…” she let out a resigned sigh, giving up on finding an excuse “...couldn't fall asleep.” She whispered the last part, her eyes firmly set on the grass.
“Oh Coco…”
She heard Qifrey sitting down on her right side, and it wasn't until he draped his cloak around her shoulders that Coco realized how cold she was. Finally, she looked up at him only to be greeted by a sad smile, like the one he wore when telling her about his curse. He already knew what was bothering her.
They sat in silence for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say.
Coco clutched the cloak tighter around her, finding comfort in its warmth and grounding weight. It smelled like fresh soil, just like Qifrey. She felt an arm wrap around her shoulders and instinctively leaned into her professor's side, closing her eyes and focusing on his steady breathing. Maybe if she just stayed like that, Coco could pretend that there was nothing wrong, that professor Qifrey would always be with them, and they'd all keep living happily without having to worry about a single thing. Yes, everything was alright, everything was fine, maybe if she kept telling that lie to herself, Coco would actually believe it.
Except that’s what it was, a mere lie, nothing more than that.
Professor Qifrey, who was always kind to Coco, who always knew how to reassure her, who was her guiding light even in the darkest times, could eventually lose himself to the curse, never coming back. And then she’d never hear him whistling a song when relaxing in the meadows, she’d never taste the delicious meals he made with so much love, she’d never curl up next to him on the sofa while reading a book, she’d never run up to him to proudly show a new spell she came up with.
She'd never see him again, only an unmoving, silent tree in his place.
And he wouldn’t be able to hug her like that, or pick her up with ease and a smile on his face, or hold her hand, or teach her about magic, or tell her how proud he was.
A tree.
Coco had lost her dad, when she was very little, and growing up, she realized his memory of him was feeble and confused. No matter how hard she tried, Coco couldn’t recall his face, or the sound of his voice, or anything about him for that matter. And she’d get this pang of sadness every time mom talked about him, because she never got to really know him and experience what it was like to have a dad. Then she met Qifrey, and for the first time, Coco didn’t feel like she was losing out, and though he wasn’t perfect, he was better than anything she could've ever asked for, patient, gentle, and loving.
But now she was about to lose him too.
Her eyes burned with tears, and with her throat closing off, it was getting harder to properly breathe.
“It's not fair,” she choked out “it's not fair!” desperation seeped now into her voice “It's- it's not- it's not fair!” she was now fully sobbing, desperately clutching at Qifrey's night shirt like a lifeline, maybe to ensure he wouldn’t grow roots, or maybe to keep herself grounded and not be consumed by despair. She wasn’t really sure.
Lean but strong arms fully embraced Coco now, and professor Qifrey sat her on his lap, keeping her close and whispering soft reassurances into her ear. “Oh my dear Coco, I've got you, I'm here now, I'm here, everything’s going to be alright.” his voice broke slightly.
Coco just shook her head, he might be here now, but what about the future? Everything was too uncertain, and she was still too inexperienced to be of any help. She couldn't save Dagda, or Coustas, or stop Tartar from going with the brims. She couldn’t do anything and it was her fault, her fault, her fault-
Everything was falling apart and Coco was drowning in a sea of her own tears.
“-co Coco, hey can you hear me?” Qifrey firmly grabbed her shoulders, pulling away to look her in the eyes. Everything was too blurred, she couldn’t tell his expression, maybe he was disappointed, yes, with all her failures, he must have been.
Coco tried to say something but it only came out a choking, blabbering nonsense. She couldn’t breathe.
“Alright dear, i need you to breathe, ok? Take deep breaths, let’s do it together,” His voice was gentle and steady. “breathe in,” he demonstrated by slowly inhaling. She tried to do the same, but it felt like barely any air was coming through. “breathe out.” He dragged it out for her to see.
She shakily exhaled as best as she could.
“Yes, just like that, you're doing so well! Let’s keep at it a few more times.”
They repeated the process until she got her breathing under control, though tears still kept steadily running down her cheeks. The bandage had no doubt gotten soaked by now, they'd need to replace it.
Qifrey just rubbed her back in a soothing motion, slowly rocking them from side to side. He pressed his lips on the crown of her head “Shhh it's okay baby, it's okay.” Exhausted, the only thing she could do was hide her face in the crook of his neck. They stayed like that for a while, Qifrey whispering little nothings while carding his fingers through her hair until her crying dissolved into little sniffles.
“I don't want to lose you.” She whimpered.
“I know… I know.” Though he tried to conceal it, his voice had a defeated undertone.
“And I don't know how to fix this! I need to fix this! For you and-and Coustas, I need to find a solution and stop being so useless!”
“Coco, this isn’t your responsibility, okay? You don’t need to find a solution, you’re just a child,” his voice was firm but gentle “and please believe me when i tell you this, you're not useless-”
“But i couldn't do anything for Coustas, or Dagda, or-”
“Because again,” he gently grabbed her face and looked her in the eyes, an earnest and kind expression “none and i mean absolutely none of the things that happened were your responsibility, alright? you already had to go through so much, when that was supposed to be a time for you and the others to just relax and have fun. It wasn’t expected of you to fix anything, though you still ended up helping immensely with your ideas; you are an incredibly bright and intelligent child who’s still learning, i don’t think you even realize how impressively fast you’re improving for someone who got introduced to magic only a few months ago,” her bottom lip wobbled “Coco, i can’t even begin to explain just how proud I am of you.”
Overcome with emotion, she could only bury her face in his shoulder again.
“Regarding the parasitic silverwood, I don't want to make false promises but, but if there's one thing I can promise you, it's that I will do everything in my power to try to change my outcome. I will fight tooth and nail to keep living with you girls and see you grow up. Because-” His voice broke slightly “Because you're my pride and joy and I love you more than anything in this world.” A few tears fell into her hair. “So please, just have some faith in me, alright?”
“There’s always hope after all…right?”
“Of course, my dear child.” And just like that, the warmth of his voice melted all of her worries away.
They stayed like that for a few more minutes before a chilly breeze blew over them, a sign of the approaching winter.
“Come on now, we don't want you to catch a cold, do we?” Qifrey softly prompted, but Coco made no sign of moving, as exhausted as she was. Her eyes stung from all the crying and there was a slight throbbing in her head. “...Alright then.” He changed his arm position to properly support her legs, and kept his other one on her back, cloak draped over it to keep her warm. He scooped her up without breaking a sweat, as he always did with his apprentices, and together they made their way into the warmth of the atelier.
“My bandage.” She mumbled in his shoulder.
“Mh?”
“We need to change it, ‘s all wet, and I also hit my cheek on the floor earlier…it stings a bit.”
“So that was the noise I heard before! Are you hurt anywhere else?” He fretted while quickly but carefully depositing Coco on the kitchen chair and started rummaging through the cabinet that contained the medicines and bandages given to them by Sinocia.
“No that’s all, don’t worry” But of course Qifrey would always worry, that’s just how he was.
He quickly brought all the necessities on the table, positioning a magic lamp next to Coco, and immediately got to work. Once the bandages were removed with ease, he started inspecting the wound, cocking his head to the side to favour his left eye “Mmh, it appears a bit reddened, let’s apply some ointment on it.”
Before leaving the castletown, Sinocia had instructed them to change Coco’s bandages regularly and apply this particular medicine that would hydrate and regenerate her skin. She was very adamant that they not put ice on that spot to lessen the pain, since it was an electrical burn. All in all, it was a pretty easy routine to follow, even if it would still leave Coco with a scar.
The first time Qifrey was following the procedure, she had jokingly said that they now matched, to lessen the tension, but he just looked regretful. Did he blame himself for it? it made Coco sad to think about, she was the one who foolishly decided to jump in front of that spell after all!
Now, Qifrey worked with ease, already used to it. His touch was delicate, carefully massaging the ointment into the irritated skin, the relief was almost instantaneous. Coco let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding, leaning just a bit into Qifrey’s hand. The new bandage was put on rather quickly, not too tight, not too loose.
Coco was then scooped up again, wrapping her arms around her professor’s neck, and they finally headed for her room. She was so tired, the slight swaying from Qifrey’s steps was almost enough to lull her to sleep.
Finally, Coco was slowly lowered in bed, and as he gently tucked her in, she couldn't help but be reminded of mom, who always did the same. She had almost forgotten how nice it felt.
“Professor?”
“Yes Coco?”
“Could you…” she faltered, feeling bad about holding him up after having already worried him like that in the middle of the night. But Qifrey just waited patiently for her to continue speaking, with that usual soft look in his eye that always made her feel at ease. “...could you please stay with me until I fall asleep?” She timidly finished asking.
“Of course.” He murmured.
The edge of the bed dipped slightly with his weight, and he just sat there, gently petting her head and softly humming a lullaby she couldn't recognize, maybe something only sung between witches, but it was so soothing it might've as well been a sleeping spell. Qifrey was pretty intonated, she wished he could do this every night.
Just like that, her eyes slowly drifted shut, and right when he must've thought Coco had fallen asleep, she felt a soft kiss press against her forehead.
“Sweet dreams.”
And that was enough for her to finally drift off. One day she'd have to face the forbidden magic and save her mother. But for tonight, she could sleep at ease, without having to bear the weight of the world on her tiny shoulders. At least for tonight, she would dream about a bright future.