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He couldn't get the look of shock and hurt from repeating over and over. His brain deciding to torture him instead of letting him sleep.
Callum sighed as he stared blankly at the ceiling of his bedroom as the last couple of days' events replayed over and over. Kathy looked so angry and disappointed, everyone had looked disappointed in him and it killed him knowing that his dad was right about him. He was weak and he wasn't even surprised that his dad died with the words of shame on his lips.
Callum lay until light replaced the dark and eventually gave up on sleeping as he got out of bed, he could feel the physical exhaustion in every muscle and deep into his bones.
“Was he worth it?”
Ben’s words echoed in his ears as he moved around his bedroom not looking for anything in particular but just trying to keep his brain busy.
Was cheating worth it? Worth losing everything? Callum found himself sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in hands. He barely registered when his bedroom door opened and he glanced up to see Lexi.
“Is it true what everyone is sayin’?” her words were guarded as she stood in the doorway, her arms crossed tightly across her chest and all he could do was nod. His throat was so tight, he didn’t even know if he could speak. He watched as Lexi’s lips trembled before she closed down her emotions. “I’m gonna stay with Grandad and Nigel.” With that she walked out of his room without a second glance and after a few minutes he heard the front door slam.
“Was he worth it?”
His eyes and throat burned. His heart cracked painfully in his chest as he looked down at his left hand to see it empty. He could see the pale tan line where his wedding ring had sat for years as a statement of his commitment to Ben. Before Ben had got back into the car that had arrived to take him back to Prison, he had removed his own band and dropped it on the floor with a parting glance at both Callum and Johnny. The cold look of indifference would haunt Callum for the rest of his life.
“Don’t bother visitin’, I wouldn't want to get between you two love birds now, would I?”
As the weeks passed, Callum slept less and less, he rarely left his flat unless it was for the basics. He actively avoided going anywhere that a Michell or Beale worked knowing that he would be on the receiving end of glares and head shakes. Callum hadn’t seen Lexi in weeks and she had only been back to collect the rest of her belongings and left her keys on the table. She had barely spared him a glance and that made the ache in his chest worse.
Lexi sighed as she moved the soggy cereal around the bowl as she tried to make sense of everything that had happened in the last couple weeks.
She looked up when she saw Nigel pottering around not looking for anything in particular in the kitchen. “Everythin’ okay Nigel?”
The old man startled as he turned around and she smiled affectionately as he stuttered before picking up a spoon. “Umm, I-I was just umm, well, looking for something,” he held the spoon up with his trademark crooked smile. “This spoon is a great spoon. The shape is perfect for… spooning and stirring…” She couldn't help but smile as Nigel went on about the spoon. “It’s definitely a one of a kind spoon.” Lexi agreed and Nigel huffed out a laugh before moving to drop the spoon in the sink. “I was wondering if you wanted to chat? You’ve been pretty quiet, we’re all just a bit worried.”
Lexi shrugged as she finally gave up on her breakfast and pushed the bowl away. “It must’ve been a shock to find out about-” Nigel broke off as his brow crinkled and she had seen that look a lot especially when something had slipped his mind, he tended to struggle with names a lot these days. To save him stressing Lexi nodded. “Yeah, I don’t know why he would do that. I thought he was okay. He always said he was and that he loved my dad.”
Nigel moved and sat opposite to her. “Sometimes people say they’re okay when they’re not, and I imagine that… Callum! I knew it was in there somewhere.” He smiled in relief before carrying on. “I don’t think Callum has been okay for some time and loneliness affects us all differently.”
She frowned at the old man. “Don't give him an excuse for doin’ what he did.” Nigel chewed his lip. “It doesn’t but he’s had to deal with a lot these past years and that can take its toll.”
Something shifted and landed heavily in her stomach when she allowed herself to think back about the early days of her dad being gone. Callum had been working so much but he had always made time for her, he had come to every single school event and held her when everything had got too much for her. When the grief of losing her mum and dad in such a short space of time had just hit her and she didn't know what to do. Callum had been her rock and when her grandad had been struggling, she knew he hadn't been right for sometime especially when dad had gone to prison and everything else just got on top of him. She had seen him at his lowest and it made her so happy that each day he was getting better and that he had Nigel by his side. “Why would he lie sayin’ he was okay? He knows he can tell me anythin’.”
Nigel reached across the table and gently took one of her hands in his. “He probably didn't want to worry you.”
Lexi scoffed and rolled her eyes because why did adults always think that? If she knew that Callum had been struggling, she could’ve helped him by doing stuff to distract him. Going out for walks, facemask and makeover parties, or even watching a box set and eating loads of sweets and ice cream. “I wish he had said somethin’ and I could’ve told dad. I bet he didn't tell dad cos I know he would’ve tried to help.”
She wasn't entirely sure what her dad would’ve been able to do from America but maybe he could’ve worked out a way to get back to the UK earlier if he knew his husband wasn’t in a good place. If he had been closer then maybe Callum wouldn't have done what he did.
“That’s hindsight but don’t upset yourself over it, when we make decisions there are always going to be consequences.”
Lexi felt her phone buzz in her pocket and she reluctantly pulled her hand out of Nigel’s comforting embrace. Taking her phone out she saw yet another message pop up from Callum and ever since she had left to live with her Grandad and Nigel, he had been messaging her wishes of a good day and sleeping well, reminders of appointments and so much more without fail. “Callum again I take it?” she nodded before switching the screen off and placing the phone face down on the table. “Shows he still cares if he’s been reaching out.”
Did he really care or was he just feeling guilty for getting caught? Shaking her head, Lexi stood and grabbed her schoolbag. “I’ll see you later.”
Lexi sat on one of the benches in the Square thumbing through the weeks of messages from Callum each of them unanswered…
Callum: I’m so sorry for everything, but you know where I am if you ever want to talk
Callum: Good morning, have a good day at school
Callum: Sleep well, i love you
Callum: Morning, remind Grandad that you have a dentist appointment this afternoon
Callum: I saw the dance recital, you were brilliant. I’m so proud of you and I know your mum and dad would be too
Callum: Thinking of you always, love you
The messages went on and on until the one from this morning asking her to be careful on the tube and to go straight home after school, he didn't go into much detail except there had been some trouble on the tubes and to call him or her Grandad if she needed help.
Lexi contemplated sending a thank you except that thought left her when she saw Callum, he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks and even looked like he had lost weight. His beard was thicker too. She ducked away quickly when he glanced in her direction, he had always had a sixth sense when he was being watched and she hoped he hadn't seen her.
“Lex, what’re you doin’ down there?” she startled at Callum’s voice and stood quickly. “Nothin’ just thought I dropped somethin’.” She saw how Callum’s eyes narrowed but he didn't challenge her like he normally would. “Well, bye.”
It hurt to walk away but she honestly didn't know what to say, if her mum was still around she would know what to do. “Lex, wait. Can we talk?” she stopped and looked over her shoulder. How was she supposed to feel? “Grandad doesn't want me speakin’ to you, he’s still angry about everythin’.”
Callum chewed his lip but nodded sadly. “Right, have you heard from your dad? Is he doin’ okay?”
“Oh so you care about him now? Did ya care when you cheated on him and then broke his heart?” Her words snapped out sharply and Callum physically recalled. “If you wanna know how he’s doin’ find out for yehself.”
“How was school babe?” Lexi sat crossed legged on her bed as her dad’s tinny voice filtered through her mobile. “Fine.” The single word was clipped and her dad sighed. “That bad huh? It’ll blow over.”
She rolled her eyes but she knew he was right, it wasn't the first time she had been the centre of gossip. First when her mum died, and then her dad being arrested and now her step-dad cheating had gotten around really quickly, she had learnt to ignore the whispers and looks of pity, and it would blow over eventually when the next big scandal happened. “I saw Callum today.”
“He speak to you?” she chewed her lip. “Yeah, he looked terrible. He wanted to talk and asked how you were doin’.”
She half expected her dad to scoff except he blew out a breath as if the subject of his husband exhausted him. “Go easy on him Lex, I don’t know if Grandad told you but me and Callum… we’re gettin’ a divorce. He’s moved on and he’s found someone who makes him truly happy.” Lexi pulled her phone from her ear to check the screen. “He ain’t happy dad, I don’t know what he said to you, but don’t believe him.”
The line buzzed and she actually thought her dad had ended the call but relief flooded her when the time continued to change on the screen. “Please dad…”