Archive of Our Own

Pansy: I love rich Muggle men. No one ever told me

You do a few card tricks, win a hand or two of poker, and they treat you like a goddess 

Hermione: Where are you? 

Pansy:

Hermione: At a hotel? Again? Pansy!

Pansy: Playing poker. 
Just for a bit of fun–I’m really quite good! 

Pansy:  

Hermione: ...Because you’re cheating! 

Pansy: How DARE you, darling? I learned the spells, fair and square. Not card counting whatsoever. 

Hermione: I can’t believe you, P 

Pansy: Then you should believe Gordon —just met him — LOVE him, Granger. For a Muggle, he’s really top-notch. 
Taking me to brunch tomorrow and then Hermes. 
Didn’t know Muggles even knew about Hermes! 

Hermione: We’re WORKING tomorrow! 

Pansy: YOU might. It’s the weekend. I didn’t travel all the way to Monaco to be stuck in a potions lab with you. 

Hermione: You know you applied for this job, right? 

Pansy: Yes. As a job. 🤨 
I’m not suffering after hours with you. Besides, you’re the potion genius, and I’m the sales genius. And MY genius doesn’t do well under forced labour. 💅

Hermione: Rich. 

Pansy: Gordon is. Handsome, rich, arrogant, and obsessed with my poker game. 
Where are you, by the way? Are you at the hotel? We can come see you. 

Hermione: No, at the lab. 
Don’t even think about bringing him here. 

Pansy: Ugh, Granger. Your working hours are an anti-aphrodisiac. 
Don’t worry, Gordon won’t be coming to the lab… that place is nothing but a cock block.

Hermione: Just text me when you get home, please? 

Pansy: Yes, mother. 

Hermione: Pansy, there’s a package at the potions room here for you, I think. My name was on it, though, from “Alchemique Nocturne”. 

Hermione:  

Pansy:  
Do you have any idea what time it is???? 

Hermione: It has my name on it, but I didn’t order anything… 

Pansy: Granger… 

Hermione: Shall I open it? Return it? 

Pansy: For fucks sake, it’s still Friday as far as I’m concerned. 

Hermione: It’s Saturday morning…. I can’t have unmonitored substances in here, Pansy… 

Pansy: Tell me about it in the morning. 

Hermione: It IS morning!!!! 

Pansy: MY morning starts at 8:30 am. It’s still yesterday as far as I’m concerned. 

Hermione: I need this thing gone. What should I do with it? 5:19 AM

Pansy:  

Hermione: Hello, I received a package here at 21 Boulevard des Moulins, Monaco. It has my name on it, “H. Granger”, but I never placed the order. 

Matthew: Good morning, Miss. Granger. Let me check your order for you. 
Please hold. 

Matthew: The order was placed last week; the order was received via owl with our completed Alchemique Nocturne LTD form.

Hermione: That can’t be right. I’d remember placing a potions order. 

Matthew: Many orders have been placed under the influence. 

Hermione: No. That’s definitely not like me. 

I have a fully supplied potions lab. I have no need for whatever your company sent me. 

Matthew: Alchemique Nocturne LTD. 
Finest potions ingredients in Europe. 

Hermione: Right. Anyways, I’m located in a Muggle area with strict anti-owl protocols. I would not have placed this order.

Matthew: We like to exceed expectations and fulfill deliveries regardless of any hurdles.

Hermione: But I didn’t place the order. 

Matthew: Our records show the letter was received on Thursday, October 2nd. The order was fulfilled as of this morning, Saturday, October 4th, at 4:13 am via Ares, our Mediterranean Long-Earned Owl. 
He has a 100% delivery success rate. 

Hermione: But I never placed this order.

Matthew: Our records say otherwise. 

Hermione: Could it have been someone else? 

Matthew: Your lab seal was on the completed order form. 

Hermione: How? That isn’t possible.
Can you please perform an anti-forgery charm? 

Matthew: Please hold.
Confirmed: seal is authentic.

Hermione: How did you perform the charm?! 
You need to trail the wand tip counter-clockwise against the wax itself for the first two syllables. 

Matthew: We are capable of performing a basic anti-forgery charm, Miss. Granger. 

Hermione: I did not place the order! I have no need for whatever is inside this package.

Matthew: Based on the information in our system, you ordered: sirenscale powder, essence of unicorn horn, veela extract, 14 vials of lacewing, Bottled moondew with “romantic aura infusion” —lovely stuff, that—oil of rose, and sandalwood cauldron polish. 
Nice selection for some quality love potions. 

Hermione: I don’t need these ingredients. My research isn’t remotely linked to love potions. 

Matthew: No shame in the romance game, Miss Granger. 

Hermione: I’m not ashamed, I just don’t need them.

Matthew: Sure.

Hermione: I’d like to proceed with the return. 

Matthew: I’m afraid our delivery owl, Ares, is no longer in the area. 

Hermione: I’m happy to use my own owl. 

Matthew: Please hold, Miss. Granger. 

Hermione: Hello? 

Hermione: Hello? 

Hermione: Is anyone still there?? 

Matthew: Thank you for holding.
AN Policy prohibits the use of personal owls to ensure the security of goods.

Hermione: You must be joking.

Matthew: I am not.

Hermione: Fine. I need to return everything as soon as possible. I can wait. How long will it take for the funds to be returned to my account? 

Matthew: Please hold, Miss. Granger. 

Matthew: Before proceeding, we will need to confirm your reason for return.

Hermione: I did not order it. 

Matthew: Refunds are processed within three to five business days, Miss Granger, provided the customer is certain she didn’t secretly want the items after all. 

Hermione: I did not secretly want them. 

Matthew: Experience tells me that people who truly don’t need love potions rarely order them “by accident”. 

Hermione: I did NOT place this order!! 

Matthew: If you say so. 
Please note, however, that emotional regret does not qualify as a return reason under company policy. 

Hermione: I do not regret it emotionally, since I did not order them. 

Matthew: I’d recommend keeping the moondew. It pairs well with sandalwood — and regret. 

Hermione: Is there anyone else I can speak to? 

Matthew: Please hold, Miss Granger.

Matthew: Just me, I’m afraid. 
Due to the inconvenience, we would be happy to give you this package of ingredients at no charge to your account. Apologies, and have a nice day. 

Hermione: I sincerely do not need them, Matthew! They are wasted on me.

Matthew: It’s 5:57 am.

Hermione: What’s your point? 

Matthew: You need them. 

Pansy: Damn you, Granger. Now I can’t sleep. 
Why are you awake anyway?

Hermione: Check your previous texts.
Trying to return illegal potion ingredients I never ordered, P. 

Hermione: Yummy, sounds like foreplay! 

Draco: She’s pissed.

Pansy: Your latest lover? Of course, she is darling. You’re very boring when you don’t apply yourself. 

Draco
Why did you place the order under her name, anyway? 

Pansy: She needs to get out there and date, but won’t, because much like yourself, Granger is afflicted with being horribly boring. I figured she’d need the extra help. 

Draco: Right. But why not mail them to yourself and make the potion for her? 

Pansy: She can do it better — potions inventor that she is. Besides, I am busy, darling. 

Pansy  

Draco: Napping 

Pansy: Sun-bathing, as the muggles call it. I adore it. I need a little sun before going out. 

Draco: Going out? Pans… are you going out with Muggles?!?! 

Pansy: None of the Purebloods I’ve been with are as fun, as impressed with my charms, nor as well endowed. 

Draco: You’ve never been with me *smirk* 

Pansy: Don’t make me throw up my breakfast, please. 

Draco: You mean your morning cocktail? 

Pansy: It has pineapple juice in it. 🍍Nutrients. 

Draco: What are you going to tell Hermione? 

Pansy: Who cares? This is the most social thing she’d done since we got here! It’s Monaco for heaven’s sake! She doesn’t dress up, doesn’t come out. Just works. It’s disgusting.
It’s like buying a mansion and sleeping in the shed. 

Draco: She’s going to find out it’s me.

Pansy: Oh dear… 

Pansy: Are you really spending your whole Saturday with that potion of yours, Granger

Hermione: Do you not understand that by the end of the month, this potion needs to be finalized?
That’s hardly any time at all. 

Pansy: But… Monaco! 

Pansy:  

Pansy:  

Hermione: Pansy. I’m beyond stressed. And Penelope is on sick leave. Without the help, I have to work overtime. 

Right now, the potion is thicker than oatmeal. I need to adjust the potion's viscosity so it can be injected. 

Pansy: 🤢 

Hermione: I thought you had your entertainment already lined up? Is Gordon not all he’s cracked up to be? 

Pansy: We’re just wrapping up at Hermes. 

Pansy:
We can meet up with his pals later, come out and have dinner with me. 

Hermione: I can’t just now, I’m not even close to finished. 

Pansy: No, no, that wasn’t a request. 
I’m letting you know that you are being picked up in an hour. 
You’re joining me for dinner at Hotel de Paris. 

Hermione: I can’t! 

Pansy: Be ready by 7:30, babes 

Hermione: Absolutely not. 
I need to set up my orbital lab manually right away. 
No. 

Pansy: That’s not a word that applies to me. 🍷 

Pansy: I just won 4,000 Euros in a single poker game 

Draco: Having fun? 

Pansy: I actually managed to get Granger out, but I’m not sure it's worth it. 😒 

Draco: : I thought you were going out with your new muggle boy-toy. 

Pansy: He’s joining us later. 

Draco: So, did you tell her the package was from you? 

Pansy: Did you tell her YOU are Matthew? 

Draco: No. 

Pansy: So no for me too… I just need her to be desperate enough to either take the potion or loosen up and give one of these Muggle boys a chance.
I just want to have some fun.
It’s hard when your boss is obsessive and a complete workaholic nerd.

Draco: You’re maniacal. You know that. 

Pansy: Pardon me?! 
I’ll have you know, I have her best interests at heart. 

Draco: I’m sure. 

Pansy: She needs a work-life balance. 

Draco: That is not why you’re doing this, and you know it. 

Pansy: Well, something's bound to happen tonight because I dressed her, and she looks fantastic. The muggles have been staring at her all night. 

Pansy:  

Draco: ...
That’s Granger? 

Pansy: 😈 

Draco: Bloody hell. 

Pansy: Cleans up nice, doesn’t she? 

Draco: I’m sure some lovely Muggle will flirt with her, whether or not she wants it. 
I hate operating the customer service line. 
Maybe I should tell her it’s me. 

Pansy: DON’T YOU DARE! 

Draco: Why??? 

Pansy: For starters, she needs a dork who can relate to her, and that is you—even if you try painfully hard to hide it. 

Draco

Pansy: Secondly. I can’t handle how much she works; it makes me feel bad for having a regular work schedule. 

Draco: Right. Beachside from 10 am until 6 pm on Wednesdays is a regular work schedule. 

Pansy: You get me, darlin.

Draco: *eye roll* 

Pansy: Thirdly, she needs to talk to an actual man—one with genitals and everything. Preferably not tied to her work.
I’m starting to think Granger has no social skills with the opposite sex… 

Draco: With Potts and Weasel as her entourage, are we shocked? 

Pansy: So, be a good boy and talk to her. And I’ll return the favour. Otherwise, this trip will be insufferable.
Ok, shhh. Gordon is here. 

Draco: Don’t get hexed.
…and tell Granger she looked fine.