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Peter was entirely and utterly fucked.
That was his only thought as he looked towards the group of villains who just absolutely loved to ruin his life.
May he be overdramatising just a teeny-tiny bit? Maybe. But in an old, abandoned warehouse, why is it always warehouses? Staring down the faces of the Sinister Six, he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“So, you come here often?”
“Spider-Man,” the Vulture practically growled out.
“Present! Okay, now it’s my turn for roll call. Okay, Electro?”
“We are going to fucking murder you, dude,” Electro states.
“Oh, good! You’re here!”
Spidey pulls out his imaginary clipboard and jots down a note.
“Electro is here,” he mutters, “got it!”
“I am going to end. Your. Life.”
“Can you two shut the fuck up?!” A chorus of voices calls out.
Seemingly fed up with his nonsense, Rhino charges towards him as Doc Ock propels himself forward with his tentacles. Itching to get away from the super-powered beating, he launches himself away from the two villains, only to conveniently find himself with two more.
(Yay, Parker Luck™. Convenient placement of the two supervillains by the cough, cough, lazy ass bitch, cough, cough Author.)
Peter ducks under Scorpion’s pincer, dodging a—
What the fuck is that? A giant sand sledgehammer?
He sighs, or as much as he can sigh when fighting two mutated individuals.
—giant sand sledgehammer (what is my life?) sent his way.
“A giant sledgehammer made out of sand? Really, dude?”
Electro buts into the battle, “Actually, Spidey,—”
Peter jumps over Electro, getting out of the way of getting hit with the strike of energy in the nick of time.
“—It’s a mallet.”
What he wants to say is: ‘It’S a MAlLeT’, Go fuck yourself, dude.
What he says instead is: “Welp, still a type of hammer. Wait! Let’s see if I can wield it! I’ve always wanted to be king of Asgard! Or would it be Sandgard?"
Rhino rushes towards him, “I will end you, Spider.”\
“That’s not very nice.”
He judo flips the villain coming at him, slamming him to the ground and webbing him there as he moves out of the way of a new sand attack. 1 down, 5 to go.
“Let’s start a civil conversation. I’ll go first.”
“So—”
Peter dodges another bit of electricity aimed at him as he swings and lands on the rafters, barely missing a tentacle aimed at him.
“—The weather’s nice, isn’t it?”
…
“Really, man? That’s your idea of the start of a ‘civil conversation’? The weather’s nice?” Electro pauses in his battle to bully him personally. (Like, no thanks! He gets enough of that from Flash.)
The others stop and snicker. (Seriously? What is this? Bully Peter Day?)
“Wha– huh–,” He sputters, “This is blasphemy! I’ll have you know that my quips are exceptional.”
Crickets.
All of the Sinister Six (-Rhino, who is still knocked out on the floor) stare.
Peter is not taking this disrespect.
“The author just can’t channel my amazing spirit, and my amazing sass, and my amazing—oh gosh dangit, I sound like Deadpool, don’t I?”
He’s met with the blank faces of the villains before him, before the five seem to snap out of whatever trance they were in and all rush at Peter.
All.
At.
The.
Same.
Time.
…
Whelp, I did say I was fucked, didn’t I?
============================================================
Well, that’s an unexpected—but appreciated—turn of events.
Peter looks over the incapacitated team of villains before him and can’t help but pat himself on the back for his spectacular performance.
“And the crowd goes wild as Spider-Man utterly demolishes his competition!” Peter does his best imitation of a crowd announcer.
“C’mon, man, not cool.”
“Nuh, uh, uh! You literally just tried to kill me, with your buddies in a 6 v 1. If anything, this is mercy!”
Peter hangs down from the ceiling, meeting Electro’s eyes from where he is tied up in his webs, attached to the wall upside down.
Electro sighs and hangs his head, “Touché, Spidey. Touché.”
And with that argument won—Huh! Take that for Bully Peter Day! It’s really looking up for him!—he goes to call the police before a loud cough triggers his attention; turning around, he sees that it’s the… Avengers? (I guess it’s not looking up for him. Well, he still has that meeting with DP and DD tonight.”
Peter flips off the ceiling toward the Avengers, who are standing in front of the giant hole the villains entered.
“Um… Hi?”
“Hello son, we heard there was an Avengers Level Threat and—”
Peter tuned him out, wincing at the nickname from Captain America. Don’t get him wrong! The guy’s alright. It’s just…
“—idey, Spidey! Are you even listening?” Sam interrupts his dilemma as he tunes back into the conversation.
“Yes?”
The Avengers looked thoroughly unconvinced.
“Is that a question or an answer, son?”
“An answer? And can you please not call me son? I’ve already asked you not to. Multiple times.”
“Alright, son, where are the—”
“WHAT THE FUCK!”
A sudden yell makes him jump.
Peter turns towards the aforementioned scream, a bit pissed off at Cap, preparing for a fight, only to see a very distressed Clint looking around at the tied up villains.
He doesn’t get why he’s so shocked, but apparently, everyone else has a similar attitude towards the restrained Sinister Six, because as he looks towards them, he can see the expressions of shock on everyone's faces. Nat and Buck even have their eyes wide open.
Peter coughs, drawing their attention.
“Sorry about that, I was just about to call the police before you guys got here. Not saying it’s your fault they’re still here! I just haven’t got around to it, I can do it now if you like?”
…
“I’ll do it now.”
As Peter goes to call the cops, someone interrupts him.
"Okay, kid, let's rewind a bit. First off, who the fuck—” “Language.” “—are they?!” Tony gestures around to the group of tied-up Villains. “And secondly, how the hell did you even manage to defeat them?!"
Peter looks around nervously, eyes darting around the room, carefully avoiding the Avengers' gazes. Has he done something wrong?
“Well… To answer that first question, they’re a group of villains who personally hate my guts. It sucks, I mean, what did I ever do to deserve a specialised supervillain strike team? What's a spider gotta do around here to get some peace?”
He chuckles anxiously, eyes flitting up to meet the teams’, hoping for laughs so he can get a reprieve from the tension that has begun to smother him. All he gets are the pointed looks of the heroes in front of him.
Natasha arches an eyebrow, “And the second question?”
“I just… did?”
Clint levels a look of incredulity at Peter, “You just did? You just defeated them? That’s all you did?”
“...Yes?”
Cap lets out a weary sigh.
“Look, son—” “Don’t call me that.” “—I’m not saying that you didn’t defeat this ‘specialised supervillain strike team’ of yours, but—”
“Stevie, what the hell are you saying?”
Everyone pauses as the mounting tension in the room threatens to burst, glancing towards Bucky, who is utterly and positively fuming.
“Buck, you can’t expect me to believe that this– that this kid—” The word is spit out with so much vitriol that he nearly flinches away “—defeated six known supervillains considered an Avengers-level threat.”
“Actually, Rogers,” Tony mimics the condescending tone used on him, “We can. Seeing how he has clearly been in a fight,—”
Peter takes a second to look himself over, seeing the half-healed bruises and cuts littered around his body, and grimaces at his state, noting to patch himself up later.
“A fight that was most definitely with the baddies spread across this sorry excuse for a warehouse because said baddies are tied up in the Spiderling’s webs.”
Captain America goes red in the face. From anger or embarrassment? Peter couldn’t tell you.
“W— We—Well,” Steve sputtered, his face still cherry red, “Why doesn’t he tell us how he did it then?”
The Avengers looked towards Peter, but he was still stuck on one simple thing:
Captain America. Captain America. Stuttered! He couldn’t believe it! In all his 17-and-a-half years on this planet, he never thought he would see Captain Fucking America stutter.
Now, what was he asked again?
…
Oh, right!
“Umm, how did I do it? I just took them down one by one. Sure, it was hard when they all ran at me, but I think I managed it.”
“Wait. When they all ran at you? As in, they ran at you at the same time?”
“Yeah? Well, obviously at different times as well, but yeah.”
Peter stares into the shell-shocked eyes of the super team before him.
“Mr Stark, it really wasn’t a big deal, I’m fine, see?”
Peter lifts his arms up and spins around slowly as Tony moves forward and starts his usual post-fight fussing.
Tony exhales, “Yeah. Yeah. Okay, kid.”
“Can I go now? Because I need to continue with my patrol.”
“Yes паук-малыш, you can go—”
“Seriously?”
Everyone paused to turn to Sam.
“He just defeated six villains in a 6 v 1 with minimal injuries, and we’re not questioning this?”
The team gives him a look, daring him to try what Steve had.
“Okay, no, not like that. I’m just saying, aren’t we going to question him about how strong he is? Or like all how his powers work and stuff.”
Bucky just stared at him, “Sam, do you want to be next?”
Sam paled. Meanwhile, the vigilante, who was unfortunately the subject of discussion, just wanted to get back on his patrol before he went to meet with Team Red. It's Taco Tuesday, man! He can’t be late for Taco Tuesday.
“Okay…”
His eyes dart from the heroes back to the (now cleared) night sky.
“I’m just gonna go now?”
“Go for it, kid.”
And with that, Peter swings away, hoping he can at least have a day before they come hounding him for answers.