Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

They were fifteen. Well, Jinnie was already fifteen, but Lixie was still only fourteen, because it was July and his birthday wasn’t until September. But it was almost September because there were only two more months left to wait, right? So, yeah, if you asked Lixie, they were both fifteen. 

Jinnie always asked him to be called Hyung, even though they were born the same year. It was something he really liked, but only when it came from Lixie. If their other classmates tried to do it, he trew a tantrum. But coming from Lixie, it was just so cute, because Lixie was such a cute and adorable tiny boy with cute freckles all over his face, and cute tiny hands, and a cute nose, a cute pinkish mouth, cute little feet. Lixie didn’t disliked being called cute and tiny, but only if it was Jinnie saying it. If any of their classmates tried to call him small, he would threaten to use his taekwondo skills to shut them up. Only Jinnie could tell him how cute and tiny he was. It made him blush, just a little, just on his ears, but Jinnie also blushed when he was called hyung, so it was okay.

One evening, at the end of July, when Lixie went to Jinnie’s house, which was two houses away from his own, he found his friend by the pool. He was sitting on the warm tiles near the water, looking haggard.

"Hey bro," Lixie said, plopping down next to his friend, his feet immediately splashing the water. He didn't have a pool at home. He lived with his parents, two sisters, a grandmother in a nice, comfortable but tiny house with a small garden and small bedrooms—everything was small—and he was more than happy to be able to go to Jinnie's house every day. It was much bigger, had a pool, and even a room reserved for video games and a huge TV screen. Jin's parents were lovely, they spoke to him very kindly and told him he could come over without warning, sleep in Jinnie's room, play and eat with them. But he came for Jinnie, not for the game room. He would have come even if Jinnie had lived in a house as small as his, or in an apartment. But the swimming pool was a nice extra bonus.

“Hey, Jinnie,” Lixie said again, because Jinnie seemed so lost in thought that he hadn't answered him yet. “Are you okay?”

Lixie leaned toward Jinnie's shoulder, his warm skin against Jinnie's. This seemed to wake the older boy, who opened his eyes wide, as if he hadn't noticed his friend's arrival.

“Lixie, sorry,” he said, tilting his head until it touched Lixie's. "I was just thinking.

“Thinking about what? You didn't hear me come in, call your name, or sit down next to you. What happened?”

Lixie knew his friend inside out. Hyunjin was a romantic, a true dreamer. He didn't easily show this side of his personality to others, but Lixie wasn't just anyone, he was his best friend. So he knew something had happened and he insisted.

“Tell me?”

Then Jinnie's face turned crimson. Really, blood red. Amazed, Lix watched Hyunjin's face, ears, neck, and chest turn as red as possible. He wanted to pinch his cheek, he wanted to touch him, to feel for himself if his skin was as hot as it looked.

“It's dirty, I can't tell you, you're too young,” whispered the boy.

Lixie felt wronged. He knew naughty things too, he had an older sis, he had watched shows and videos, and even though he was only fourteen, he was sure he was adult enough in his head. He let out a contemptuous grunt, hoping to sound mature enough to convince his friend, who was still red-faced.

"I'm only six month younger than you, dude, what the hell. And you're not as mature as me, because I have an older sister who told me everything about dirty stuff. I'm sure I could teach you things you don't even suspect."

It was bluff, but not entirely, because he really did know a lot of naughty things, thanks to his sister's knowledge and the lack of parental filter on his phone. Two years ago, when he got his first smartphone for his birthday, he quickly figured out how to surf the internet using private mode. He used this knowledge to research his own sexuality. Despite his young age, he already knew that he didn't like girls like the other boys in his class. They were nice, sweet, and smelled good, but he preferred the arms, hands, and lips of boys. The internet gave him information about what homosexuality was and helped him accept himself. He didn't know if he could talk to anyone about it, as Koreans are still somewhat homophobic, but his parents had grown up in Australia and were open-minded enough to accept him for who he was when he told them. He kept his secret from everyone except his family, not wanting to be bullied at school. Above all, he didn't want to lose his precious friend Hyunjin, and since he didn't know how Hyunjin would feel about his homosexuality, he didn't tell him.

So, he was certainly mature enough for whatever dirty stuff Jinnie was talking about.

Jinnie remained silent for a long time, but his face remained red. But Lix must have convinced him, because:

"You know my older cousin Mingi, right?”

“Yes, I remember him.”

Hyunjin coughed.

"Last night, I wanted to ask him about his new PlayStation game, so I went to his house.”

Lix listened intently. What did Mingi do?

“I didn't warn him in advance and opened his bedroom door without knocking.”

Lixie leaned slightly toward Jinnie. He had a tiny idea of the kind of awkward situation he had gotten himself into and was eager to hear the rest.

“Really?”

Hyunjin may have needed encouragement to continue his story.

“Yes. And he was with a girl, and that girl was on her knees, and she had his... His... You know... In her mouth.”

Jinnie almost spat out the last sentence as if it were burning him, and his skin was so red that Lix was afraid he would spontaneously combust. He thought maybe he could push him into the water, just to be safe, just to calm him down. But more than anything, he needed to talk; Jinnie would hate it if he let an awkward silence linger too long. A little red himself, he asked:

“What did you do?”

“What did I do? I screamed, Mingi screamed, the girl screamed, then Mingi screamed even louder because she had definitely bitten him. On his... On his...”

“On his penis,” Lix supplied. “You have to learn to use the right words”, he tells.

"Yes. There.“ Jinnie sighed deeply. ”Then I ran away, went home, and cried a little."

Felix respected Jinnie's silence for two minutes, then asked:

“Why did you cry? I wouldn't have cried. It's perfectly natural, after all.”

Hyunjin looked at him with wide eyes.

Lix stared at him. He feels so mature right now.

“Because... I don't know, I wasn't prepared for something like that? I didn't even know... How... Why would anyone put a real... penis in their mouth? It's dirty, Lix. I don't think you understand.”

The younger boy laughed softly and nudged his friend's shoulder. His Jinnie was so cute.

"It's not dirty, you idiot, it's just love. When people love each other, they do things like that to please each other. There are lots of things you can do when you make love. You can touch, kiss, caress..."

Stunned, Hyunjin looked at him again with wide eyes. Maybe Lix was right and was is more mature than him.

“How do you know so much about this?”

Lix smiled softly. This would be the perfect moment to tell him the truth, to talk to his best friend about his research. He knows so much about this because he wanted to be sure he was normal, he wanted reassurance about what he was feeling. Along the way, he had seen videos. Photos. Sometimes he masturbates while thinking about these kinds of things. So yes. He knows. But he just shrugged. Some people are more interested in these things than others, and it's okay if Hyunjin doesn't think about all that; he has plenty of time.

“I'm mature, I told you. Ask me next time, and I'll tell you if something is acceptable or not, okay?”

Hyunjin, still red-faced, feeled a little better now, even though he couldn't get that memory out of his mind. Lix was so calm about it that he felt a little silly, and calmed down too. He decided to jump into the pool and splashed Felix, who laughed before jumping in with him. They played, then ate the delicious meal Jinnie's mother had prepared for them, then watched a movie and slept in Hyunjin's bed, becoming children again for a little longer.

*ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧₊˚

A year later, just after Felix's sixteenth birthday, on a Saturday night, the two boys are at Hyunjin's house watching a TV show featuring idols playing games. They laugh and play as usual. It's late, but they're not really tired yet. They're munching on snacks and sharing a plate of fruit, their fingers sticky with dried juice, when suddenly Hyunjin becomes very serious.

“Lix, can I tell you something?” he asks.

The only light in the room comes from the screen, but even without adequate lighting, Felix can make out Hyunjin's red ears. Whatever it is, it's definitely something a little naughty again.

“Yes, Hyune, tell me.” 

There is a short silence, then:

“I think I would like to have... the same experience as Mingi.”

He doesn't need to explain what he's talking about, Felix remembers it very well, even though it happened over a year ago. It has never faded from his memory. Never.

“Oh.”

“Yes,” whispered his friend. “I'm an almost an adult now and I'm... curious. And I'd like to know what it does to your body.”

Felix frowns.

“You don't think it's dirty anymore?”

The boys stare at the screen without really seeing it. It is just easier to talk like this. Without eye contact between them.

“No, I don't think so. I've watched a few videos, you know...”

Hyunjin wants to know. Felix understands something life-changing at that precise moment. He asks:

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

He braces himself for the answer. But Hyunjin bursts out laughing.

“No, I don't, pabo, you'd know, we're always together. But I'll try to find one, maybe?” A pause. “I have time. It's just that... I think I'm ready?” 

This isn't good. Felix feels it deep down inside. It makes his stomach churn to imagine Hyunjin with a girl. He stands still for a minute, thinking hard about what he's about to do. He's so scared. It's scary to think that what he really wants to confess to Jinnie at this very moment could abruptly end their friendship. 

He had been beating around the bush for the past month. Before daring to take the plunge, he asked Hyunjin what he thought about queer actresses, or this openly gay gymnast. He watched a gay pride video on his phone and listened to Hyunjin tell him that he thought homosexuals were no less important than heterosexuals. He thought to himself that maybe he could talk to him about himself soon. But now... The moment has probably come, and he can feel his heart pounding in his chest, his skin beading with sweat from the stress. He feels like he's standing on the edge of a precipice.

“Jinnie, I have a proposal for you.”

“Do you want to find a girlfriend too? Or do you want to introduce me to someone?” Hyunjin asks, laughing nervously, trying to hide his discomfort at talking about the subject. It's still not easy for him, even if he's really taken an interest in the subject. He wants to talk about sex even if it makes him uncomfortable for a bit. If it's with Felix, it's okay. But Felix shakes his head.

“I don't want to ask just any girl. What if I mess up, screw up, and she tells everyone how awful it was?”

Hyunjin frowns.

“I hadn't thought about that...”

“Yeah. I figured. That's why... We could help each other out.”

His voice is a little weak and shaky, because damn, this is a big deal. But he has to ask. He can't let Hyunjin find a girlfriend without fighting for what he secretly wants. And he's not ready to tell him what he really feels for him. What he just understood. So... He wants to give him hints, without revealing everything. Come what may.

“You mean...”

“I volunteer to suck your penis. I want to practice before I go out into the real world.”

The silence is deafening. Hyunjin slowly turns his head toward Felix, who now feels like he's burning up. It happened. He said it.

“Lix,” Hyunjin begins, very softly. “How can you practice for a future girlfriend while... doing this to me? I don't have a... vagina. I'm a boy.”

He keeps his voice soft and gentle. Yes, he thinks. The math doesn't add up. But Felix is shaking, red as a tomato. Probably a little embarrassed at having been wrong. But Hyunjin don't laugh, because he don't want to embarrass him further. 

“I know, Jinnie,” whispers the blond boy.

Jinnie feels confused and frowns. How...

But suddenly, he understands.

“Lixie, are you gay?”

If possible, Lix turns redder than red. He is crimson. If he could, he would make himself as tiny as a grain of salt and dissolve into a small puddle of water. Why did he make such a stupid suggestion? Now Hyunie is going to throw a fit, tell him never to come near him again, tell everyone at school, he'll be bullied, he'll cry and become suicidal and...

“Lix! Lixie, listen to me!”

Hyunjin's voice brings Felix back to reality.

“It's okay if you are, you know,” Hyunjin whispers. "I don't care at all. You're my best friend, Lix. I'd never abandon you because of that, you should know that. Thank you for telling me. "

Lix thinks he didn't really say he was gay. He asked Jinnie if he could suck his dick.

Semantics.

“I don't want you to... suck my penis, but I appreciate the offer, Lix. I'm definitely going to wait a few more months before I really try to find someone. I think I might still be too young after all, you know.” 

He takes Lix's hand in his and smiles at him. He feels so mature for having handled the situation so well.

"We'll always be best friends and we'll always take care of each other. As your hyung, I think you're still too young for that kind of thing, too. Let's stay teenagers a little longer and wait for the naughty stuff, okay? "

Hyunjin prefers not to try to imagine what it would feel like to have his friend in front of him, in an intimate position, and to let him touch him. He wakes up later than his friends, that's for sure, but now that he's started to take an interest in it, his imagination is very active. Except that he imagines himself with a girl, faceless for now, of course, but not with a boy. But he also doesn't want to disappoint Felix, who probably feels too shy to try to meet someone, which is surely why he said that. He knows very well how queer people are seen in Korea.

And frankly, Hyunjin really thinks Felix is too young for that, so he has to divert his attention and talk about something else. He shouldn't have brought it up; neither of them is ready to discuss it. Relieved, he pats Felix's thigh and focuses again on the program playing on the screen.

Over the following months, neither Hyunjin nor Felix mention that evening. Hyunjin does everything in his power to stay by Felix's side, to show him day after day that he will stay, that he doesn't care about his sexuality. Now that he knows Felix is gay, he feels it is his duty as his best friend to prove that it doesn't change anything for him. He becomes a lot more clingy, just for that reason, and because it has always been easy to be clingy with Felix, who loves cuddles. Hyunjin has put his plan to find a girlfriend on hold. He thinks that if he starts dating a girl now, Felix might feel left out, and he doesn't want his friend to feel abandoned.

So they continue to live their lives and don't talk about it anymore.

Until a boy asks Felix out, just before the end of summer vacation, when Felix's almost seventeen.

✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦

The boys are with their friends near the Han River, eating snacks and laughing. A boy, slightly taller than Hyunjin, approaches them and stands awkwardly in front of Felix, who is munching on fried chicken they bought earlier.

“Hello,” the boy says shyly, “Felix, right? Um, my name is Wooyoung, I was in the class next door last year.”

Felix, kind as usual, smiles and stands up to shake the boy's hand. “Hi, Wooyoung. I remember you. Would you like to sit with us?”

Wooyoung accepts and sits down right next to Felix. It's a little awkward at first, but they quickly start talking about class, teachers, and Felix laughs at a comment Wooyoung makes while Hyunjin frowns. He doesn't like Wooyoung, he thinks he's a little fake, and why is he disrupting his little group of friends?

Little by little, everyone goes home. When only Wooyoung, Felix, and Hyunjin are left, they get up.

“Lix, I'd like to walk you home, if you don't mind?”

Hyunjin stops walking.

“Oh, thank you, but Jinnie and I live on the same street, you know, I won't be alone.”

Adorable, naive Felix, thinks Hyunjin, relieved. Wooyoung's face is slightly pink when he speaks again.

“Oh... But I wanted to talk to you. In private. Do you mind, Hyunjin?”

Before Hyunjin can tell him yes, that it bothers him, that he doesn't want to go home alone, thank you very much, Felix intervenes.

“But I don't want Jinnie to go home alone, Wooyoung. Maybe we could step aside for a moment and you can tell me before we leave?”

Wooyoung's gaze is a mixture of sadness and a little annoyance, but Hyunjin feels better knowing that Lix doesn't want to let him go alone. He waits with a smile as the two boys walk a little closer to the water. To pass the time, he picks a few scattered flowers and arranges them into a pretty little bouquet for his room. He feels like drawing flowers tonight.

He doesn't want to eavesdrop on a private conversation, but he can't help overhearing it; they haven't gone very far.

“I wanted to tell you that I like you, Lix. Would you like to go out with me?” says Wooyoung, fidgeting with his fingers. “Oh, thank you! I'm flattered, Wooyoung, really, but I think I'm still a little too young to date someone, I'm sorry. I'd like to wait a little longer. I need to focus on my studies...”

Yes, Hyunjin is relieved. He won't lose his best friend to a stranger, and he doesn't even feel a little guilty for thinking that way.

When Felix comes back to him, he puts his arm around the boy's shoulders and they start walking home, while Wooyoung sits in the grass without looking at them.

“Are you okay, Lix?” asks the taller boy, slipping a small flower behind his friend's ear and pushing back his blond locks. “I'm fine, Hyun,” Felix replies, and they slowly walk home, looking at the stars in the sky, smelling the flowers in the streets, sharing their space and their little secrets. No one talks about what just happened, and Wooyoung is quickly forgotten.

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.

That same night, Felix stays at Hyunjin's house and they sleep in the same bed, as usual. This had never been a problem before, even after last year's confession about Felix's sexual orientation. Hyunjin sometimes thinks about it, but never mentions it to Felix. What if he had said yes? Was Felix really serious? Maybe he should have said yes. He's still curious about what that girl did to his cousin, even though he'll never admit it. Some girls have asked him out, but he's said no, thank you. He wanted to stay by Felix's side to prove that he wouldn't abandon him now that he had revealed his homosexuality.

Today, he wonders what would have happened if Felix had tried it with Wooyoung. Or with any other boy. He don't like the idea of it. What if he caught an infection? What if the boy's private parts were dirty? It bothers him. Really bothers him. His best friends deserves the best first experience, not some disappointing experiment with someone who isn't worth of his attention. 

He tosses and turns and fidgets so much in the bed that Felix wakes up.

“Jinnie, what are you doing?” asks the blond in a hoarse, sleepy voice, his face half buried in his pillow.

“I... I was thinking about what you told me last year when you explained that you were gay,” Hyunjin confesses immediately, without really thinking about not telling the truth.

It's easier to whisper it because it's two in the morning, it's dark, and they can't even really see each other in the darkness because the curtains are drawn. He feels more than he sees when Felix turns slowly toward him, and his face flushes. Why did he bring it up? What an idiot. He should have kept his mouth shut. It's so embarrassing, and...

“I'm still willing to try,” Felix whispers.

Time stops. Hyunjin's heart starts racing.

“Are you serious right now? Like, really serious?” he asks, blushing even more in the darkness. His heartbeat is wild and he feels tingles in his legs and arms.

“Very serious. If it's with you. I trust you.” 

It gives Hyunjin butterflies in his stomach.

“Why?” he whispers, his voice trembling.

After a moment of silence, Felix calmly replies, “Just because. I trust you to be my first. But only if you want to, of course.”

Another moment of silence.

“I think I want to,” Hyunjin whispers.

The logistics of what is about to happen preoccupy Hyunjin for exactly two seconds. Just long enough for Felix to sit down on the bed, stunned.

“Are you serious? Really serious?”

Like himself a few minutes earlier, he replies, “Very serious, I trust you too.” And a little later: “I really want to. Yes.”

He can only see Felix's silhouette in the darkness, not all the lovely details of his charming looks, but that's enough for him. He knows Felix like the back of his hand, and the more he thinks about it, the more convinced he is of his choice.

He sits down too. Suddenly, he jumps, because Felix has just placed his hand on top of his, over the sheet. His skin tingles where they touch. Felix's skin feels so hot right now. Is he also going to touch him with these hands, or is he going to only use his mouth? His cheeks burn and his tongue feels like it weighs a ton. He’s never even kissed anybody. Should he ask for a kiss as well? After all it all was an experiment, only gaining experience, right? Helping each other out as best friends? He wants to ask, but he's not sure he can speak again.

Felix doesn't let him sink into his confusion.

“Okay, Hyune. Okay. Yes. Let's do it. Um... Tell me if you want to stop. If you don't like it. Okay? Tell me if it's too intense.” Felix's voice is nervous, but he holds Hyunjin's hand tightly. ”I... I don't want to lose you, Jinnie, so if you change your mind, you tell me. I never want to lose you. Ever. You're more precious to me than any experiment. "

His voice trembles slightly.

“Promise me, Jinnie, please?”

The anxiety in the blond's voice gives him a little courage.

“Hey Lixie, I don't want to lose you either, you know. I'll tell you and you tell me if you want to stop, okay?”

Another minute passes.

Then Felix asks, "Should I... Would you prefer me to go… straight down south or... maybe I could kiss your chest for a while? I've watched a few videos, and usually they don't go... "

He's rambling, he feels so nervous, even though he was the one who made the first move. Not really seeing Hyunjin does help. It’s a bit easier, he thinks. But he was so sure he would never, ever be allowed to touch Hyunjin like that! He hadn't had time to mentally prepare.

Since his friend's refusal, he had tried not to fantasize about what could have been, thinking it was disrespectful, but now he regrets not having imagined everything in his head beforehand. What should he do? Did he have the right to kiss his skin? To caress him? He wants to so badly, but he doesn't want to make Hyunjin even more uncomfortable.

“Hey, Lixie, stop thinking,” Hyunjin says suddenly. "It'll be all right. Let's just cuddle and... Yes. Let’s not think anymore. If we screw up, we can laugh about it together afterwards, because we're the best friends in the world."

"Yes. Okay," Felix replies, and follows Hyunjin's movement as he squats until he finds himself lying down again.

They hug for a minute, soaking in each other warmth. Then, he timidly places his hand on Hyunjin's torso, feeling the soft fabric of his t-shirt crumple under his fingers. And then, in the darkness, he brings his head close to his neck and places a kiss on the warm skin in the hollow between his neck and shoulder.

Hyunjin gasps. His arm wraps around Felix's body to pull him closer. It feels right. They seem right. The two of them, together, like this. It isn't awkward.

Felix gently kisses his skin. It feels like the caress of a feather, or perhaps a tiny butterfly. He wonders how he'd feel if he kissed his lips, but they haven't talked about that and he doesn't dare open his mouth now. He doesn't want to overstep any boundaries. Maybe Felix doesn’t want to kiss.

Maybe he thinks it’s too intimate, even if what they’ll try now will be a lot more intimate, in Hyunjin’s mind.

Felix's hand rests shyly on his waist, first on the fabric, then slowly underneath it. They often play in the pool or try to survive the summer stuffiness  by wearing only shorts without t-shirts, but it's quite different to feel his little fingers on the sensitive skin of his waist, then on his hips. Heat coils low in his belly. Felix’s nails tickle him, just a little, and when he laughs quietly, he feels Felix smile against the skin of his shoulder.

“This is nice,” he murmurs into Felix's blond hair. “I like it.”

Felix moves his head to kiss his collarbone. Hyunjin shivers.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“I'm glad.”

This exchange gives Felix a little more courage, and he takes the fabric of Hyunjin's shirt and lifts it slowly to his chest, his heart beating wildly in his own. Then he places a kiss in the middle of his breastbone. He slowly lowers himself until his face is level with his torso, pushing back the sheet so he can caress and kiss his nipples. This time, Hyunjin jerks violently. Too many sensations, too many thrills, too many emotions. He lets himself tip over onto his back and Felix stops, afraid he's gone too far.

But Hyunjin just needs to breathe a little. It's too much, and not enough at the same time.

“Do you want me to stop?” asks Felix, ready to call the whole thing off and forget about it if that's what Hyunjin wants. 

"No, Lixie, I don't want you to stop, I want you to continue, please. It's just... It's a lot and I needed a second. Don't worry, I promised I'd tell you, okay?" 

Hyunjin breathes heavily, then suddenly moves to remove his shirt. If the lighting was better, Felix would certainly be scarlet red, but he can't see much and that gives him enough confidence to remove his own shirt. 

“Come back,” Hyunjin tells him in a whisper. “I really don't want you to stop now.” 

That's all Felix needs to resume his exploration of Hyunjin's body, with his hands, with his lips, tentatively, bit by bit, happy to feel his goosebumps-covered skin, his shivers, and to listen to his little sighs. Hyunjin runs his fingers through Felix's hair and leaves them there as Felix slowly kisses him near his navel. Then the blond goes down, down on the soft surface of his stomach until he stops when he feels the elastic of his friend's boxer shorts.

It will happen, really happen, thinks Hyunjin in awe. He’ll really get his very first blowjob this evening. He vaguely thinks that he’ll maybe have to imagine a girl in lieu of Felix so he can grow hard, but he really dont need it. He’s now fully erect in the fabric, leaking, and he cannot find the energy to feel awkward about it. It was the very thing he asked for, after all.

He really asked for it.

He moans when Felix’s lips graze his cock’s silhouette over the damp fabric. He wants to be naked, now. He needs more.

“Lixie, baby…” he no longer knows what he’s asking for, but Felix seems to understand and slowly helps him out of his underwear. 

His breath is so hot against his sensitive skin. When he’s freed, fully naked under his friend’s body, he opens the eyes he didn’t even know he closed, and watches the blond hair which glows a bit in the night, just above his fully erect cock. When Felix’s tiny hand wraps around its base, it’s earthshattering. Overwhelming. His body arches, an intense heat erupts where they’re in contact. Moans fills the night. It's so much more intense when it's not his own hand.

 “Is this okay?” Felix whispers, and his warm breath on his skin is like a wet dream he’ll never forget, he knows it.

 “Yes, Lix, please…” he whimpers. 

He’s gone. He doesn”t care anymore about being friends, about both of them being boys, or about being naked under his best friend’s body.

Felix opens his mouth and gives his cock an experimental kitten lick. And a little kiss. Another lick, a bit longer, from the base to the tip. He moans too, awfully turned on, his own cock leaking in his boxers. He wants to be naked too but he didn’t talk about it with Hyunjin beforehand and doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

He can’t believe what’s happening. What Jinnie’s allowing him to do to him. He could never have imagined that this very normal free day would end this way. He’s so happy. Teary eyed, afraid to mess things up but so, so happy. 

Felix wants the experience to be enjoyable for both of them, but Hyunjin’s well being and pleasure are his priority. So he peppers kisses everywhere he can, listening to the boy’s tiny sighs and moans in response. His tongue caresses the tip of Hyunjin’s cock and collects some precum there. He moans at the taste, then slides the tip of his tongue against the slit, like he's seen on some videos, enjoying Hyunjin’s shivering.

Hyunjin’s hands are gripping his hair with more strength now.

“This is so good”, he moans, body arched, hands pushing Felix’s head onto his cock without even noticing it. 

Felix opens his mouth wider and plunges in to take Hyunjin entirely. For a minute, he wonders if he's dreaming. If his brain offers him some really realistic wet dream. But Hyunjin's very real, very warm, and his weight in his mouth does definitely not feel like a dream. Saliva pools at the corner of his lips, helping the glide of his hand and lips around Hyunjin's cock.

“Oh, Lix”, exclaims Hyunjin in a long moan. He forgets how to breath, how to think. He’s only able to moan, to grip Felix’s hair in his fingers and help him get up and down.

He trembles and burns and whines when he feels his cock push against Felix’s throat, when he feels Felix’s lips touch the skin of his pelvis. And when Felix’s swallows around the tip, he sees fire behind his eyelids as he explodes in his burning mouth. The heat that explodes in his belly spreads throughout his body, to his mouth, to the tips of his fingers and toes, in the most intense and powerful orgasm of his life.

Felix swallows everything, tasting the slightly bitter cum in awe. He was prepared. He knew this could happen. He was okay with the idea of it. He wanted to try everything. He wanted the complete experience.

He lays down beside Hyunjin and takes his hand, a happy, dreamy smile on his face.

After a few minutes, Hyunjin seems to regain consciousness. He rolls onto his side and takes Felix in for a hug, heart still beating furiously in his ribcage. 

“This was amazing, Lix. Thank you,” he whispers. He feels exhausted, empty in a good way, ready to sleep and have the best dreams, but when he cuddles again Felix, he feels the hard silhouette of the latter’s cock against his tight. Felix, who has just given him incredible pleasure, who has just given him his very first shared sexual experience, is still painfully hard. Hyunjin doesn't want to appear selfish. His friend gave him an incredible gift, it's only fair to suggest returning the favor. He's not sure he can swallow his semen, though. It might be a bit much for him. But he's ready for the rest of it.

“Do you you want me to do it to you?” he whispers in his ear, his cheeks reddening again, but he feels the movement of Felix's head as he refuses his proposal. 

“No need, Jinnie. ‘m fine”, he whispers back.

“No you’re not, you’re still hard”.

“I don’t want you too do something like this because of your too strong sense of justice”, snorts Felix while stroking his back. “It’s okay. I’m happy with what we did, thank you for letting me try, hyung.”

Hyunjin blushes more intensely at the word hyung, but he shakes his head.

“But I want to do something for you, Lix. I promise, I really want to. I'll be sad if you don't let me give you something in return”, murmurs Hyunjin. “At least, let me touch you? Let me help with this?” he says while pressing his tigh a bit higher, eliciting a soft moan from Felix.

This, he can do. He does it all the time since he took interest in sex a few month ago. He’s sure he can give Felix some pleasure too. He doesn't find it strange for a second. In his post-climax euphoria, all he wants is for Felix to feel the same pleasure he gave him a few minutes earlier.

Felix finally nodds his head against his friend's neck, his cheeks warming at the thought of his large hands on his cock.

He’s not very long, compared to Hyunjin's, and he’s certain that it will disappear completely into his palm. The thought makes him blush again.

Hyunjin manipulates him until they are sitting against the headboard of the bed, Felix between Hyunjin's thighs, his back against his friend's chest. Their size difference gives him goosebumps. It's exciting to feel like this, enveloped in the boy's arms. To feel small and delicate against his muscular torso, to be able to rest the back of his head in the hollow under his chin. His heart races. They never usually sit like this, even though they are very close.

It’s so intimate.

"Can you take that off?" Hyunjin asks, slipping his thumbs under the elastic of his underwear to pull the fabric taut. When he brushes against the skin of his lower abdomen, Felix shudders violently. He can’t answer out loud, he will stutter. It’s too much for him. So he contorts himself to lower his boxer shorts, his skin burning.

Once naked, he settles back against his friend's chest, a little trembling, a little embarrassed, and very, very excited. His cock is so hard it’s painful. But even now, if Hyunjin told him that he would prefer not to touch him, he would be okay. Because he really doesn’t want Hyunjin to feel any pressure. He loves him too much.

But Hyunjin says nothing. He simply slides his hands up Felix's arms, from bottom to top, then from his shoulders to his stomach, very gently, very softly. When Felix let his head fall back with a sigh, Hyunjin takes the opportunity to place a shy kiss between his neck and shoulder, sending a shiver down his spine. 

“Your skin is so soft”, he tells Felix. “I didn’t knew boys could have such soft skin.”

Felix laughs quietly.

“You know my skin, Hyune, we cuddle all the time”, he answers.

“Yeah, you’re right, but it’s different today”.

Felix doesn’t asks what makes today different. It’s different for him too. So much his heart thightens in his ribcage. He needs everything to be okay between them after this. His friendship is so important for him, he can’t lose Hyunjin. Despite his desire to be touched, he places his hand on Hyunjin's just before the latter slides down onto his nipples.

"Jinnie, I promise you that if you don't want to continue, it's not a big deal at all. I really don't want you to feel pressured to touch me like that," Felix murmures one last time, desperate to make his friend understand that he’s afraid of losing him.

“I told you I’m okay, Lix, I want to do it, I promise”, answers the boy. 

To emphasize his point, Hyunjin tenderly kisses his temple, then places his palms on Felix's nipples, which immediately harden. A moan escapes the younger man.

He arches his back slightly and his bare buttocks make contact with Hyunjin's penis.

It makes him moan again, and even though he tries to hold back, he can't. He wants to be touched, he wants to feel Hynjin between his buttocks, hard and demanding, and he wishes they were both in love so he could kiss him, so he could give him his virginity.

Hyunjin hesitates for only a second before sliding his hands lower. The contact of his friend's bare ass against his cock makes him hard again. He figures it’s normal, after all. Felix has a very nice, very round ass; he’s mature enough to admit it to himself, even if he’s another boy. He appreciates beauty. And Felix is a very beautiful boy.

So he slides his hands lower again and touches for real.

Chapter Text

For a couple of months after that special night, nothing else happens. Hyunjin and Felix don't change their daily routine. They remain best friends, eat together, see their friends, and study at each other's houses. On weekends, Felix stays over at his place just like before. There is no awkwardness between them. They’re both seventeen now. Life goes on.

It’s Halloween, and they are at Hyunjin’s, getting ready for their evening. One of their friends will be hosting a party and they are changing into their costumes together before heading to the boy’s house. 

When Hyunjin comes out of the bathroom where he took a really quick shower, Felix is ​​naked, bent forward, putting on a pair of panties. 

Felix lets out a shrill cry when he hears the bathroom door open. He quickly pulls up his underwear and grabs the white shirt he had laid on the bed when he unpacked his bag earlier, holding it up in front of him.

"You were supposed to wash up, what are you doing here already?" he whines, red as a tomato, clutching the cloth to himself.

Hyunjin's tongue seems too big in his mouth and he takes a second too long to come up with an answer.

"I only took a quick shower, I didn't need to wash my hair..." he says finally, before continuing, almost against his will, "But you're wearing women's underwear?"

Suddenly, Felix's face crumples and two large tears roll down his cheeks. Hyunjin rushes towards him, forgetting his attire, a simple towel draped around his hips and a few drops of water on his chest.

"No, no, Lixie, don't cry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything, I was just surprised," he promises, wrapping his arms around his friend's body to hug him tightly. "I am so sorry. That's okay. You can wear whatever you want, it suits you.”

Felix cries a little but eventually calms down after a few minutes. He didn't want Hyunjin to see his underwear. He thought he’d have plenty of time to get dressed before Hyunjin came out of the bathroom. Hyunjin usually takes his time. 

"I didn't wash my hair because I'll wash it again when I get home after the party, you know I hate sleeping with sweat on me," the boy explains, still holding onto Felix. "I was much faster than usual. I’m so sorry, please don’t be mad at me, I didn’t mean anything bad, I was just surprised".

When Felix stops sniffing, Hyunjin lets go of him and takes a step back. The two boys look at each other in silence for a moment, and then Felix slowly lays his shirt back on the bed, revealing himself.

"My sister gave it to me for my birthday because I thought it was pretty," he explains in a small voice. "I wanted to wear it tonight to feel... sexy. I never dared to wear it until today. I was afraid someone at school would see it and make fun of me."

Hyunjin feels his heart clench in his chest, filled with guilt. Even though he hadn't made fun of Felix, he had still pointed out the unusual piece of clothing. He didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings; after all, he is absolutely free to wear whatever he wants. And he didn't lie: the lace underwear suits him.

"You look very sexy in that," he says as Felix sits on the edge of the bed and looks up at him. His eyes are still bright, his nose a little red. Hyunjin raises his hand to brush a strand of blond hair away from his face. “I swear”.

Felix smiles softly at him. He feels a bit better, even if there's still a bit of awkwardness in his posture.

"Okay, I believe you. Come on, let's get ready, we're going to be late for the party if we don't hurry."

Hyunjin agrees and goes to get a pair of boxer shorts from his drawer before putting them on in the bathroom to let Felix have a bit of privacy. Then he returns to the room, where Felix finishes buttoning the white shirt he's wearing with matching pants and a pair of angel wings. Hyunjin is dressed in a matching outfit, but all in black: he's disguised as a devil, complete with a tail and a pitchfork in his hand. Before leaving the room, he approaches his friend and places a headband decorated with a shiny, fake halo on his head.

"Now it's perfect," he whispers. "A true angel, I knew it, I tell you all the time."

Felix only smiles.

All evening, Hyunjin stays with Felix. They drink alcohol. Not enough to get totally drunk, just enough to feel comfortable, to laugh at silly, unfunny things and dance like crazy on the dance floor. Hyunjin can't walk away. He simply can't, because he knows Felix is ​​wearing lace lingerie under his pants, and the thought of someone taking advantage of him tonight makes him uneasy.

The mere thought of someone seeing Felix in those white panties makes him frown. He's the only one here who can be trusted, the only one who can guarantee Felix's secret is safe. It doesn't bother Felix, who enjoys having his best friend with him all the time.

Hyunjin thinks he’s maybe going a little silly because of those panties. He can't think about anything else each time he looks at his friend.

As the party gets into full swing, Felix suddenly needs to use the restroom. Hyunjin has made him drink plenty of water so that the alcohol he's had won't give him a headache. Of course, Hyunjin goes with him, determined not to take his eyes off him. He'll wait outside the bathroom, by the door, of course. A real knight in armor.

But when Felix opens the door, someone's already inside. He stops abruptly and Hyunjin bumps into him. 

In the small room, there is a very busy couple. The girl is leaning over the sink, her skirt high on her hips, while the boy, with his pants down around his knees, holds her by the hips and makes back-and-forth movements while groaning with pleasure. None of them pay attention to the duo at the door. They gasp, eyes round like saucers, before closing the door as quietly as possible, as to not disturb the couple.

“Oh my god”, whispers Felix, red as a tomato.

“Yeah, I agree. I thought after seeing Mingi I would be done, but… guess not”, answers Hyunjin weakly.

They look at each other for a second before bursting into laughter like children, leaning towards one another.

"I guess we'll find another bathroom upstairs," Hyunjin finally says, before taking Felix by the hand and leading him along, a smile in his voice.

The steamy scene repeats itself in their head. The louds moans. The movements. The blissful faces. Neither laughs anymore, deep in thoughts alcohol makes a bit naughty.

On the first floor, they find an unoccupied bathroom. Hyunjin follows Felix in the room without even thinking, and locks the door behind him. Standing face to face, eyes locked, they stay silent, but the silence is heavy with what they would love to say.

“Lix…” Hyunjin whispers.

He doesn’t really know what he wants. Not exactly. But Felix understands anyway. He walks to the door and presses the light switch. The only light now comes from the moon. It’s still a lot more than the last time, but they don’t really care.

He unzips Hyunjin's fly in an instant. He doesn't ask for permission this time.

The blond slides to the floor, kneeling in front of Hyunjin on the rug near the shower, and pulls his pants down just enough to access his underwear, which he hooks with his index finger. Only then does he look up at Hyunjin, whose face is turned towards him. When Hyunjin nods, Felix lowers the fabric and takes his semi-hard cock in his hand. He moves his hand up and down for a minute before leaning forward and giving a slow lick from base to tip, eliciting a deep moan from Hyunjin. The music fades in the background, the only sound they still hear is their own heart beating like crasy. Hyunjin can't remember how to breath. But it's okay. He only need what Felix will do to him to survive. Breathing isn't important right now. A moment later, Felix opens his mouth and leans forward to swallow the length of him, taking advantage of his lack of a gag reflex.

Felix hadn't known that forcing himself to brush his tongue every night before bed to keep it clean would help him so much one day, he thinks vaguely as he swallows around the mass in his throat. And nobody need to know he tried to educate his throat with some bananas. What needs to be done has to be done.

"Oh my god, Felix," Hyunjin moans, sliding his hands through his friend's blond hair, causing his fake halo to fall to the floor with a soft clatter. "It feels so good. I won't last long."

His words only fuel Felix's desire to give him pleasure. He looks up at him, tears at the corner of his eyes because of the fullness in his mouth. Bathed in moonlight, even more handsome than usual in his all-black devil outfit, Hyunjin looks like a dream. Overwhelmed by his feelings, Felix sucks harder, deeper, forcing himself to keep his entire length at the back of his throat even when he can no longer breathe. His own cock is painfully hard in his lacy underwear but he ignores it. He’s happy with Hyunjin’s moans, with his hands in his blond locks. He doesn’t need anything more. 

When Hyunjin feels his orgasm approaching, he tries to pull at Felix's hair, but the sensation makes Felix moan around his cock. Very pleased by his reaction, Hyunjin pulls a little harder, the warmth in his belly amplified by the filthy sounds.

He tries to push Felix away before he comes but the boy forces his way forward until his nose is pressed against the curly hair on his pelvis. His throat is slightly deformed by Hyunjin. Tears stream down his cheeks, but he doesn't care. He’s exactly where he wants to be. When he raises his hand to touch the tiny bulge in his throat, Hyunjin lets out a surprised cry and climaxes. Moans fills the room.

He cums, and cums, and cums. Felix swallows everything, then licks his lips and sits back on the floor, a little dizzy. Hyunjin hastily pulls up his pants and slides down in front of him. In the narrow space, their legs intertwines. Hyunjin lets his gaze wander over Felix's ravaged face, over his delighted expression. There is something profoundly decadent about seeing the contented expression of his childhood friend, knowing that it was he who put that dreamy, sated look on his handsome face. Never, ever would he have thought that they would play these adult games when they grew up. He wouldn't go back for an empire. He's glad to have Felix to help him uncover these dirty things. His penis has never been this happy before.

"Are you alright, Felix?" he asks. "I'm sorry, I was a bit rough. It felt so good. Next time, tap me on the thigh to make me stop if I go too far." Felix chuckles softly and wipes his cheeks where a bit of mascara has melted.

"I'm completely satisfied, Jinnie. I think I like it a little rough. I liked it when you grabed my hair, and I liked feeling you there," he adds, voice a little ragged, pointing at his throat. “Good to know for future matters”, he adds. Hyunjin blushes. His eyes fall on the bulge still present in Felix's pants.

“You’re lying, you’re not satisfied”, he tells while pointedly looking at it. “Do you want me to…”

But Felix is ​​already getting up and reaching out to Hyunjin to help him get up too. 

"Nobody's going to notice anything, everyone's too drunk, it doesn't matter. I think I don't mind not being satisfied right away. I like the edging. Maybe I'll deal with it later."

Hyunjin frowns, he doesn’t want Felix to deal with it later alone, he’s here to help, but Felix is already pushing him outside.

“Didn’t you need to pee?” whispers Hyunjin, but Felix only laughs and leads him to the dance floor.

“It’s okay, I can’t right now, I need to wait for a bit”, and Hyunjin feels stupid because yeah, he’s sporting a serious boner, he can’t pee right now. So they go back to dancing and drinking and laughing together and with their friends, and when they call a car to take them home, he takes Felix’s hand until they arrive at his house.

It is late when they enter Hyunjin's room. They are trying to remain discreet because Hyunjin's mother is sleeping a few rooms away. His father is away on business. Hyunjin helps Felix take off his angel wings and places them on his desk, then they undress together. They laugh as they wobble and support each other as they try to remove their socks. Hyunjin turns on the bedside lamp, his gaze falling on Felix, who is standing beside him, busy folding his white shirt.

There they are. Those damn white lace panties.

"Felix," he calls softly. "Your ass is very nice and your panties are very sexy."

He blushes, but not too much; the alcohol loosens his tongue, even though he's drunk a lot of water too. Seeing Felix from behind like this makes him want to touch. To feel.

Maybe to taste. He's not gay, he knows it, but he's sure Felix would love to know what it feels to be sucked too. At first, he didn't really liked the idea of taking a boy's cock in his mouth, but Felix's is cute, not too big, a lovely pink. He thinks he could do it, if it's Felix's. Only to make him feel good after what he did for him in that bathroom. 

Yes, maybe he'll try. He won't tell Felix before, just in case he changed his mind, tho. I'll be a surprise.

He feels heat coiling in his belly because of the memory of Felix's throat. And the vision of the lace on his ass. 

"I still owe you something for what you did to me earlier," he tells his friend. "Can I touch you?"

Felix feels powerful under his friend's openly admiring gaze. He's so glad he dared to put on this underwear. Hyunjin's voice is a bit strained, so he abandons folding his clothes and walks towards him, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close. His feelings overwhelm him, and he struggles to hold back his confession. But he knows he must remain silent. He can't tell Hyunjin he loves him. He would lose him. He turns around to press his back against his friend's chest.

"You could fuck my thighs," he suggests timidly. "I could keep my panties on since you like them."

Hyunjin opens his mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. This seems so sexy. His arms tighten around his partner's waist, and he leans his head down to kiss his bare shoulder.

"Okay," he murmures softly. "Let's do it. Yes, I want to. If you want to too."

Felix chuckles and leds Hyunjin to his backpack. He takes out his toiletry bag, opens it, rummages through it for a second, and pulls out a small bottle. Hyunjin, who is still holding him by the waist, leans over his shoulder.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Lube, to make friction easier," Felix replies very calmly, as if explaining that he brought cough syrup.

Hyunjin blushes and his heart races. At the same time, his cock hardens against Felix's lace-clad buttocks. Felix smirks.

“You okay?” he asks. Hyunjin’s slaps weakly at his arm.

"Do you take your lube everywhere?" he asks.

His breath is a little ragged, he wasn't expecting lube. He doesn't know what it feels so much filthier now, with props. Again, Felix is the mature one, but Hyunjin is happy with the idea of letting him lead.

"It's always in my toiletry bag," Felix replies with a shrug. He turns, still in his friend's arms. Their hard cocks are now pressed together, and Hyunjin flinches, but doesn't let Felix move away when he tries to take a step back to give him some space.

“Stay here”, he says. “Why do you need lube when you’re alone?” 

Felix raises his eyebrows. "Do you know how gay people make love together?"

“But you…”

Indignation bubbles in his heart. What did Felix do? When? With whom?

"I haven't made love yet, Jinnie, but sometimes, I... touch myself. Like when you're pleasuring yourself. Except I also like... the back door. And for that, you need lube."

At this point, Felix is ​​red-faced, Hyunjin too, and they're both absolutely rock hard. The slightest movement makes their cocks rub against one another, and Felix starts to wonder when Hyunjin will realize what's happening and run away. He's probably giving away too much information, but his tongue is loosening on its own.

After all, he had his mouth around Hyunjin's dick; Hyunjin can handle hearing about gay sex, right?

“Oh”, whispers Hyunjin. "Yes. That makes sense. Of course."

“Let’s go to the bed, okay?” says Felix. “You can change your mind, you know it. Just tell me. I didn’t meant to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not.” Hyunjin walks both of them to the bed. “I’m not changing my mind, Lix. I want it, and I swear I’m not uncomfortable. Never with you.”

Felix cheeks burns, but so are Hyunjin's. The blond wants to kiss him so bad. To put his arms around his neck and make out with him all night long. But he swallows and smirks, taking lead.

No kiss between them.

Felix climbs onto the bed on all fours. When he reaches the middle of the duvet, he stops and straightens up to turn his head towards Hyunjin, who is standing at the foot of the bed.

"I'll squeeze my thighs together, but if it's too much, just tell me. I'll give you the lube, you need to put some on you so you don't hurt yourself."

Hyunjin, slightly bewildered, reaches for the bottle. He doesn't move when Felix leans forward again and settles himself on his elbows, his buttocks in the air, looking delicious under the white lace. Hyunjin thinks that Felix's waist is as slender as a girl's, and that he'd never noticed it before, and could his hands possibly encircle it? He finally walks out of his boxers and kneels on the bed behind his friend.

Feeling a little dazed, he unscrews the bottle, notices it’s half empty, and vaguely wonders how many times Felix has used it to masturbate.

To put his tiny fingers deep into his ass. 

He pours some of the product into his palm before replacing the cap and tossing the bottle onto the bed. The liquid feels viscous as he places his hand on his painfully hard cock.

"Are you okay?" Felix asks in an altered voice, as if he too feels like he iss experiencing something surreal.

"I am," Hyunjin replies, before giving a tug to his cock which reacts by dripping onto the sheets. "I admire the view," the boy adds. "I really like these panties."

He hears Felix gasp then moan. The sound heightens his excitement, and he moves toward his friend, who is squeezing his legs together.

“Ready?” he asks, putting his hands on the beautifully shaped hips, then caressing the soft lace where it’s stretched over his ass cheeks. Felix trembles but he’s firm when he answers. “Ready, hyung”.

Hyung. Everytime Felix uses this word, Hyunjin loses it. He puts his cock under Felix’s ass, where the skin is tender and silky, and pushes.

“Let hyung take care of everything”, he whispers when he pushes until he’s pelvis is flush against Felix’s ass. He absorbs Felix’s moan like it’s pure air for his lungs. He didn’t knew he needed this so bad. It’s so good. So warm, so soft, a bit rough right where the lace covers Felix balls, but so, so good. He breathes heavily, backs up until almost out, then pushes forward again. He marvels at how big his hands looks on Felix’s waist, how soft his skin his. The friction will make him cum embarrassingly fast.

“You have freckles everywhere”, he wonders. “Even here”, he tells when his hands caresses his spine.

Felix whines. He crosses his arms under his head, which has the effect of accentuating the arch of his back. Hyunjin gasps. It's so sexy. He wants more. No, he needs more.

Felix whines. Feeling Hyunjin rub against his balls, feeling the tip of his dick press against his own, still wrapped in lace, makes him see stars. 

“I won’t last, hyung”, he tells Hyunjin with a whiny voice.

But then Hyunjin’s cock disappears. Ready to fight, Felix stops in his tracks when he feels the lace being stripped from his ass. “What…”

"I want to feel your skin, Lix, please..." Hyunjin moans, pulling at the fabric.

Felix lets him do. Lets him place his palms on his buttocks, press them together, then spread them apart. He feels so naked, but so seen right now, his hole fluttering under Hyunjin's eyes, praying to be filled. When he inserts his cock back into the cleft between his thighs, the burning contact of his raw skin against his naked ass draws a long, blissed out moan from his throat.

“Oh my god”, he whines. His head is spinning from pleasure. He listens with delight to Hyunjin's groans, he savors the force with which Hyunjin digs his fingers into the flesh of his hips, hoping that it will leave marks. Pleasure surges through him. Suddenly, Hyunjin leans over him and wraps his arm around his waist, grasping his leaking cock in his large hand. Felix feels tears welling up in his eyes. This is so good. 

"I'm going to come," he warns. "Take your hand away if you don't want to..."

But Hyunjin doesn't remove his hand, and when Felix climaxes, intensely and for a long time, Hyunjin doesn't let go despite the cum coating his palm and fingers. He climaxes soon after, adding his own mess to Felix's on the sheets, moaning with pleasure and pressing his pelvis against Felix's bare buttocks.

Exhausted, Felix throws himself forward, unconcerned about getting dirty. Hyunjin collapses on top of him, too tired to hold back. His soft cock nestles between Felix's buttocks. Neither of them moves until they can breath again. When Hyunjin finally moves again, he kisses his friend's shoulder before sitting up slowly, reluctantly. Felix's eyes are closed.

"Come wash up, baby. I need to change the sheets. Come on, I'll help you," Hyunjin murmures, brushing a strand of sweaty hair away from Felix's temple. He's so fond of his little pout. Felix is too cute for his own good, he really hopes he'll never meet someone who would take advantage of him. He deserves the best life he can have in the future, and Hyunjin swears silently he'll be there all along, at his side.

“Don’t wanna”, the blond whispers back without opening his eyes.

Hyunjin laughs as he rolls him to his back.

"Your stomach is full of cum. You need a shower, and so do I." He hesitates for a second, and then dares, "We could shower together."

He doesn't really want to be alone right now, so why not?

At least the proposal has the merit of pulling Felix out of his post-orgasmic lethargy. His Jinnie, his cute, soft and shy best friend, is gradually loosening up, and he's totally there for that. Shower together? He'd never refuse. He'll go even with closed eyelids.

He sits up and blushes, because his lace panties are soiled with their mixed semen and his penis, soft and small again, is exposed between his thighs. He's afraid of repelling Hyunjin with the sight of his naked body in the light of the small lamp. What might have been acceptable in the euphoria of sex might now bother him, or make him uncomfortable now that they're finished, that everything has calmed down, and that they're just friends again. He feels shy all of a sudden. It's so real when the light is on.

He blushes and stumbles to his feet, turning to shield himself from Hyunjin and pulling up his underwear. His arms crossed over his chest, his blond hair disheveled, he doesn't dare move, suddenly very intimidated. It had been easier the first time, because of the darkness, or even earlier in the evening, because of the alcohol. Now, in the light and with the alcohol gone from his system, he is afraid again. He doesn’t want to risk losing Hyunjin by showing him too much of himself.

"Come on, come with me," Hyunjin presses softly, as if sensing his distress. "We'll wash up, I'll make the bed, and then we can sleep. Tomorrow, we sleep in, okay?"

And that's all they do, very simply: they take a shower where they wash themselves without any awkwardness, they dry off, put on their pajamas, and go to bed in the fresh, clean sheets that Hyunjin lays on it. When they wake up the next day, they act exactly as usual, and Felix feels reassured. He won't lose Hyunjin; everything will be alright.

The only thing that changes is that they quickly adopt a new habit: from that day on, every time they sleep in the same bed, hey can't help but do things again, over and over.

── .✦. ──

Around Hyunjin’s eighteenth birthday, they are both at ease enough with each other to talk about what they’d love to try. Hyunjin asks for some caresses and licks to his balls. Felix complies eagerly, he would do anything his Jinnie asked for.

He himself only asks for some buttocks slaps, he doesn’t dare asking for more, always afraid to make Hyunjin uncomfortable. It’s still (officially) only something they do to help each other out, to practice sex before their dating life really begins. 

Or rather, it’s what they tell each other.

But it’s so much more to Felix. He doesn’t imagine himself touching any other boy like he touches Hyunjin, but he’ll never be able to tell this to his friend. He knows very well that he'll soon have to learn to manage his own heavy feelings, to accept the pain of seeing Hyunjin in relationships with other people. Girls. It's because he wants to please his future girlfriend(s) that he accepted all of this in the first place. But for now, he’s his, and he does all he can to give him a lot of unforgettable pleasure AND the same old friendship.

That evening, after the big dinner party Hyunjin's organized for his birthday, they’re laying in Hyunjin’s bed together, freshly showered, their bellies full with good food. His mom and dad gifted their son with a nice evening at a fancy restaurant with his friends, and after dinner, they went to some club and drank and danced. Now they are tired but smiley, they had a fantastic evening, they feel both happy and relaxed.

"I really loved your gift, Lixie," said Hyunjin. "I've wanted this book for a long time; it's beautiful."

Felix gave him a book about a painter whose work he greatly admires. But Hyunjin, despite his fatigue, still has something to ask.

"I'd also like another gift from you, Lixie", he whispers right into his ear. Felix shivers.

As always, the blond can tell when his friend's thoughts become naughty. He immediately guesses he's thinking about something dirty. Ready to give him the blowjob of his life, he's already smiling and straightens up to push the sheet back and head straight south. But his friend stops him. 

"No, Lix, that's not it," he murmurs. 

Felix freezes. In the golden light of the bedside lamp, he waits, his heart pounding, for Hyunjin to express his birthday wish.

"I've wanted to do this for a long time, but I didn't dare ask," he says quietly. "But it's my birthday so... but you can say no if you don't want to, it might be too much, you have to tell me..." he stammers, his cheeks pink, now sitting opposite his friend.

“Just tell me, yeah?” says Felix in the softest voice. A nervous Jinnie is so cute.

What could he ask for? Why does it make him so nervous and flustered?

"I'd like to watch you touch yourself," Hyunjin confesses shyly. “I mean… not only your penis, but the back door too”, he adds, cheeks crimson, voice trembling.

Stunned, Felix says nothing for a second. Is Hyunjin really interested in this very gay stuff? Doesn’t he find it disgusting?

And just after, more questions: does Felix has a chance? Maybe he’s bi. Maybe he could love him back. He feels warmth all over his body, and dangerously solid hope blooming right in his heart.

“You don’t need to do it”, says suddenly Hyunjin, probably thinking he went too far. But Felix shakes his head.

“I’ll do it. Yeah. I want to show you, if you're willing to watch” he says quickly, stumbling to stand up and push his pajama and briefs away.

He’s naked in a second, already hard and leaking. Hyunjin swallows and moves to the foot of the bed where he sits cross-legged, leaving the rest of the matress to Felix. He’s eager to watch, to discover.

But when Felix gets the bottle of lube Hyunjin now keeps in this bedside table, he suddenly feels shy, being the only naked one on the bed.

“Jinnie”, he whispers, “Maybe you could undress too? I feel awkward being naked when you’re not”.

Hyunjin quickly obeys, understanding Felix’s struggle very well. A minute later, they’re both sitting each at one end of the bed. Hyunjin’s no longer cross-legged but on his knees, half hard cock on display. Felix leans back against the headboard and spreads his legs, touching his cock for a bit. Hyunjin never takes his eyes off him. Felix feels his gaze on him like a caress, as if he's truly touching him all over. He can't believe what's happening. Hyunjin really isn't disgusted?

“I could never be disgusted by you, what are you even talking about?”

"Shit, did I really say that out loud?" Felix freaks out.

Hyunjin laughs. “Yeah you did, pabo. It’s okay, I’m not. I was never and never will be. Okay, Lixie?” 

"But you're straight", Felix adds.

This evening, it bothers him. What he's ready to show Hyunjin is not something that can pass for practice-until-he-gets-a-girlfriend. It's not only gay, but it is, indeed, really gay.

"Yes I am, but I still would love to see you give yourself pleasure, if you agree. I think it can be nice, even for someone straight like me", Hyunjin explains, even if it feels somewhat weak, even at his own ears. He don't want to think too much about it. It's his birthday, if Felix is okay with his wish, he wants to watch. It's easy like that.

Felix nods. He adjusts his position on the pillow to be more comfortable, sliding his pelvis forward.

Hyunjin takes his cock in his hand and begins to slowly jerk off, a little smirk on his mouth. He observes diligently, watching Felix spread his thighs wider to make room for his hands between his legs. There's no pussy to watch but Felix's lovely little cock, dark pink and leaking on his belly. And his hole. A place Hyunjin never touched. His rim is pink too, puckered and it looks small and delicate.

Felix's ears are red when he pours lube onto his fingers. His heart beats so fast he can hear the blood pounding in his brain, but now that Hyunjin has reassured him, he finds the situation increasingly exciting. He wants to show him everything. He'll cherish this memory preciously later, after Hyunjin finds himself a girlfriend. But for now, he's his, he has all his attention, and he jerks off a bit harder when Felix slowly caresses his rim with his lubed fingers. He keeps his eyes fixed on Hyunjin's focused face, drinking in every emotion on the features he loves so much, his excitement swollen by being observed in such an intimate act.

When he inserts his first finger, moaning a little because of Hyunjin’s eyes on his most private parts, it slides in easily. He plays with his finger for a minute before inserting a second one, moaning with pleasure, and starts scissoring. As usual, his fingers are too short to reach the place he wants to touch, and he whines in frustration. A thin layer of perspiration beads on his skin and he feels hot, too hot, under the intense gaze of his friend. He adds a third finger, his legs spread as wide as he can, head rolling on his shoulder, mouth open. The sounds of the lube inside of his now gaping hole are filthy. Hyunjin is insanely turned on. He thinks about dance practice. They have both been studying dance and choreography as an elective at school for a long time. It gave them supple muscles and fluid joints. Hyunjin thinks he'll never see Felix do the splits again without thinking back to that night.

Felix whines louder. Pleasure pools in his belly even without touching his prostate, just because Hyunjin’s here and is watching him. He regrets never having packed his dildo in his overnight bag. He could use his length right now. His tiny fingers are useless.

Hyunin groans, and suddenly, he’s right there, so close, kneeling in front of him, between his legs. Felix jumps, opening his eyes wide in surprise. Goosebumps brake out on his skin.

“Let me”, he tells Felix as he pours some lube on his own fingers. “Please let me do it”, he whines, his eyes focused on Felix’s own, wide, glassy with pleasure. Felix freezes. Is he serious?

“Can I touch you too?” His voice is trembling, his breath is ragged and as soon as Felix nodds shyly, he swats his hand away and plunges slowly two of his own fingers inside his hole. And oh, they’re so long, , so hot, so wide compared to Felix’s, and they go straight to the point, eliciting cries and moans and tears. Felix arches his back, pushes himself on Hyunjin’s fingers while he goes in and out. He forgets Hyunjin's straight. He forgets he's his best friend. He forgets everything with the amazing pleasure he feels right now.

“Do you need another one?’ Hyunjin whispers. Felix nods. A third finger is slowly pushed inside and he cries from pleasure, tears running down his face, mouth open. Hyunjin is jerking himself off with his left hand and fingers him with his right hand. Felix whines when Hyunjin’s takes his fingers out, he doesn’t want it to stop, but then Hyunjin is laying down between his legs and his fingers are back and he kisses the soft skin of his inner thigh, then he kisses near his groin, and then he licks at his leaking cock and put his mouth on it. Felix is lost in so much pleasure he sees stars on the roof of the room. Hyunjin never gave him head before and he never asked for it. But now he is, and Felix doesn’t know how he survived without knowing what it’s like. Hyunjin moans around his cock like he's enjoying what he's doing, and his fingers are so deep, the sounds are so filthy, Felix will cum in a second but he has to push Jinnie’s head away first.

“Jin, ‘m cumming, lemme go”, he tries, but Hyunjin is rocking his hips in the sheets, so turned on it's painful. He doesn't stop fingering him with his long, long fingers and Felix’s cock is entirely in his mouth. He heard what Felix told him, but he doesn’t care, not anymore, and when Felix’s spills into his throat, he swallows it all and keeps his mouth on his cock until he’s flaccid again and Felix is breathing more calmly.

“Hyung”, whines Felix. "It was so good, what the hell!"

Hyunijn sits back and smirks. He feels proud of himself. It's as if he won a prize at the fair, but it's Felix's stunned expression, his ragged breath, the flush color of his body. He didn't even feel disgusted by taking him in his mouth and swallowing. He's just proud and happy.

“It’s not my birthday, why did you give me a gift” the younger asks while Hyunjin cleans his fingers in a wet tissue. The latter laughs softly. It wasn’t exactly what he had planned, he only wanted to watch, to learn something new. He had it in his mind since that time, when they used lube for the first time. He never imagined he’d want to give head, but frankly said, it wasn’t bad, not disgusting at all. It tasted a bit bitter, but Felix being an ananas juice lover, it really wasn’t bad. He takes another wet wipe and cleans the lube around Felix’s hole.

“Stop it, I’ll do it myself, you don’t have to”, shrieks the blond while trying to close his legs, but Hyunjin doesn’t mind so he swats Felix knees away and finishes his task. He sits back after tossing the wipes aside and lowers his eyes on his still fully erect cock.

“It was a really nice birthday gift, Lixie”, he assures. “But if you have a bit of stamina left… I’d love to feel your mouth around me too”.

Felix laughs weakly and puts his hand on Hyunjin’s cock.

“Whatever you need, baby”, he whispers before kissing his collarbone, then his nipples, creating slowly a wet trail of love bites that leads to Hyunjin’s penis.

✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦

It’s the end of the schoolyear. After their exams, they'll be heading off to university. They'll both study at the same uni. Hyunjin wants to study art and dance, his passions, while Felix has chosen computer science, and he'll continue with dance as a minor to be able to stay with Hyunjin. They should both get a bed in the university dormitories, although Felix will have to share his, as his parents can't really afford a private room. Hyunjin offered to share an apartment with his friend, but Felix refuses to be indebted to him. He has too much pride.

One Saturday, while Hyunjin helps his mother choose a painting for their living room at an art gallery, a woman interrupts them. She introduces herself as a talent scout for an entertainment agency called JYP. She had spotted Hyunjin through the window and thinks he should attend the upcoming auditions.

Later, when Hyunjin tells Felix about the meeting, he seems very excited. His mother took him to JYP Entertainment where she spoke with some executives. He signed up for the auditions scheduled for the following week, but he'd already had the chance to showcase his dancing skills to a choreographer. If he wants, his mother and father agree to let him enroll as a trainee. He'll have to keep up with his studies, but if he's accepted, he'll live directly in the agency's dormitories and will inevitably miss some classes, but it's okay because it'll be so much fun. 

Felix is ​​happy for him. Truly. He only wants his happiness. And besides, Hyunjin wants to study dance and art as a minor, so becoming a trainee would be perfect for him. He's a very handsome young man; he has every chance of debuting and becoming famous. Felix tries to hide his worry as best he can.

But… he's afraid of losing his best friend.

Of course, Hyunjin notices. He knows him better than anyone.

"I'll come to see you often, even if I become a trainee, I promise, Lix. We won't lose touch. I'd never abandon you."

Felix nods. He gives Hyunjin his famous smile, the one that earned him the nickname Sunshine among their group of friends, and Hyunjin seems reassured.

A few days later, Hyunjin aces his audition and tells Felix the good news that same evening.

"I'm going to move into the JYP building and take online classes. Mom and Dad are okay with it. Obviously, I'll have to sacrifice some things for rehearsals and training, but I'm so happy! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I can't mess this up."

He's so happy. His eyes are like little crescent moons, his dimple on full display. He's so, so painfully cute, Felix thinks.

"I'm sure you'll debut very soon," he affirms. "You're an excellent dancer, you have the perfect physique, and on top of that, you have a beautiful voice. I can't wait to buy your first album and ask for your autograph."

He puts on a brave face. He does his best. Really. Even Hyunjin doesn't realize the sadness that grips him. Gone are their evenings chatting in the gaming room. Gone are their walks along the river with their group of friends. And above all, gone are their nights spent together. Now, his image will be controlled by others. His friendships will be closely monitored to avoid any scandals. Hyunjin doesn't realize it, but his freedom is about to shrink dramatically.

And Felix is ​​well aware that for a debuting idol, a clingy, androgynous, and very gay best friend is unacceptable.

So he encourages this boy he loves so much. He sincerely wishes him success, but inside, he cries.

At first, they talk on the phone often, and Hyunjin can go home at least once a week to see his family. Felix makes the most of it, knowing it will all be over soon. Once school starts again, between classes and training, Hyunjin won't have the time to come home as often, nor the permission. When he stays for the night, Felix soaks up as much of his warmth as possible for later.

And then, quickly, he can only come home once a month, and Felix's predictions prove accurate. Hyunjin is so busy that he can no longer call as often either. When they see each other, they no longer touch like they used to. The boy is too exhausted from his training, and he's forbidden from showing any marks or hickeys, for example. It's in the contract he signed. So Felix is ​​content to listen to him tell him about his days, his evenings spent rehearsing, the others trainees. He made some friends. One is called Christopher, he tells Felix, and comes from Sidney, where Felix's parents lived when they were younger. He talks about Changbin, who is so nice to him, and about Han, with whom he had some beef but he's really nice and they'll work on their differences. 

Meanwhile, the blond studies a lot. He has so much free time now that Hyunjin's away. He studies so he doesn't think too much about how he's missing his friend. He also found a part-time job. He's working at a small supermarket that's open 24/7. It doesn't pay very well, but it allows him to contribute to the cost of his school supplies and to pay for his own meals, thus relieving some of the burden on his parents.

Around Christmas, Hyunjin calls one weekday evening to tell him that it's official: he's going to debut in a group, with six other idols. Their leader, Chan, personally chose him along with everyone else. The name of their group will be Stray Kids. There will be a survival show filmed over a few weeks, but it's almost certain they'll all debut together. He's so happy that Felix's heart swells with joy for his friend. If this is the path he has chosen, then so be it.

Felix watches the survival show religiously. He doesn't miss a single episode, and after each one, he texts Hyunjin to congratulate and encourage him. One episode per week. For three month. It's been this long since they last saw each other. The aspiring idol has no time. Absolutely none. Even if he wanted to go home to see his family, he wouldn't be able to until his next day off. So Felix waits patiently, hoping Hyunjin will think of him between practices.

During springtime, his parents announce something big. Really big.

Felix listens as his father announces to everyone that he's been offered a new job. Much more interesting and much better paid. He's sign the new contract and will start at the end of the month. They'll have to move.

Felix tells himself that living on the same street as Hyunjin doesn't really matter anymore, since the young man rarely comes around. It doesn't matter if he has to travel a bit to come back and see him when he has the chance. But his father lowers his head.

"We're leaving for Australia in two weeks," he announces. "I'm sorry, I know you have your whole lives here, but Mom and I really wanted to return to the country we left right after our wedding. The job is there, in Sidney, where we lived." A pause. Then he continued: "Felix, the choice is yours. If you want to stay here to finish your school year, you can. You're an adult now and you can live on your own. With my new salary, I can help you pay the rent for a studio apartment. But if you prefer to come with us, you're obviously very welcome. You have a room reserved in our future house there, and you can enroll at university in Sydney."

Felix sees the joy in his mother's eyes at the thought of returning to Australia, her adopted country. His sisters and grandmother are a little less enthusiastic. His grandmother speaks almost no English, but she can no longer live alone and will stay with the family. His sisters will get used to it. But what about him? Will he be able to live in a country so far from Hyunjin?

"Can I think about it for a bit?" he finally asks.

"Of course. You can even change your mind once you've made your decision, we'll do what it takes to help you, son."

Hyunjin's long-awaited day off finally arrives. Felix has just finished his exams and returned home to change before heading to Hyunjin's for the evening. The idol can only stay until the following morning, so Felix has asked for an evening off at his job, to enjoy his company tonight.

Since he couldn't see Hyunjin for his birthday in March, he plans to give him his present today. He carries the birthday card covered in his tight handwriting and the small silver envelope containing his gift in the front pocket of his hoodie. It's not really cold enough to wear a sweater, but Felix is ​​exhausted from his demanding work schedule, and the fatigue makes him a little chilly.

"Felix, finally!" Hyunjin exclaims when he rings the doorbell at his friend's house. He never used to ring, but it's been so long since the last time he was there... It seems strange to just barge in now.

Hyunjin carefully closes the door before embracing his friend and pulling him close. He tries not to let the nostalgia overwhelm him. It’s hard being separated from his family and friends, but he doesn't have time to dwell on it; his schedule is so packed that he’s rushing from practice to rehearsal to classes without a moment's rest. He loves what he does, but seeing Felix again makes him want to drop everything and go back to his easy and simple life with his best friend by his side. Felix smells like his usual vanilla shampoo, like fresh laundry, like outside air. He fits so well in his embrace, like before, when they were inseparable.

"I missed you," he whispers. "It's hard without you."

Felix returns the hug and inhales his scent deeply. Hyunjin always smelled good, even when he sweated. If only Felix could bottle his scent for those sad days when he misses Hyunjin the most.

"You're kidding, I bet you never think about me," he teases, trying to be light and sunshiny. "You're so busy, I don't know how you do it," he adds more seriously, forgetting that he himself is running from university to his part-time job, from library study sessions to shelves full of food and bottles.

“Everything’s going so fast I don’t have time to stop and think,” Hyunjin admits. “I love what I’m doing now, I really do, but sometimes I miss the life I’d have on campus, with normal friends, and you.”

He hugs Felix tighter, noticing that the young man has lost his teenage plumpness.

“You’ve lost weight,” he accuses. “You need to eat more. Come to my room, I have a present for you,” he announces. “And then we’ll eat.”

He takes Felix by the hand and leads him inside the house. They climb the familiar stairs and go inside his childhood room.

Hyunjin heads toward the bed and begins to pull at Felix’s hoodie, trying to get him to take it off. Felix blushes furiously. It’s been so long, does Hyunjin really want to…

“Take off your sweater, I brought you another one,” he says, taking a folded garment from the bed and handing it to him. Felix obeys, both relieved and disappointed, and unfolds the sweatshirt Hyunjin is giving him. A little thinner than the one he is wearing but of good quality, it displays the logo of Hyunjin's group, Stray Kids, in white letters on a black background.

"Put it on, come on," Hyunjin urges him. "I really wanted to see you in it! We only got them last week, you know."

The sweater is a little too big, but Felix likes it when the sleeves fall over his fingers; he finds it cozy and snug.

"Aw, sweater paws!" his friend exclaims, taking his hands in his. "Do you like it? I wanted you to have one. So I brought you mine, and I'm going to ask for another one for myself. You’re so cute in it."

The attention touches Felix, who raises his hands to his face to sniff at the fabric. Hyunjin smiles fondly and tucks a strand of his long blond hair behind his ear. Felix has changed, he thinks. He's lost weight, his hair reaches his shoulders, and he saw his arms when he changed; they're more muscular, probably from the cases of drinks he lifts every night. But his sweet, tender smile remains the same. "My Sunshine," he murmurs, gazing at him adoringly.

Hyunjin's parents call them down for dinner. His father had prepared a barbecue, and they eat in the garden, sheltered by tall hedges, just like when the boys were younger and Felix was practically living with his friend.

"How were your exams, Felix?" asks Mrs. Hwang. "I’m sure you did well."

"I think I did okay, Mrs. Hwang. I’m happy to have some vacation time now, it was a long year."

Later, when Hyunjin's parents returns inside, the boys settle by the pool, their legs dangling in the water. Side by side, they chat about their daily lives.

"I'm leaving for Japan the day after tomorrow for a concert featuring our first three songs," Hyunjin announces proudly. "If you can, watch the concert online afterward; you'll see, the choreography is amazing," he adds. “I worked on it with Minho. Oh, we call him Lee Know. He was a back dancer for a big idol group, you know!”

And suddenly, all hope dies for Felix.

"Oh! I wanted to tell you... it's done, I slept with a girl, another trainee," Hyunjin announces happily. "It's common for trainees or idols to do that. That way, it stays within the industry, and since everyone has to be careful about their reputation, nobody talks about it."

Felix's heart is pounding, his skin is freezing, and he can't open his mouth to reply. But Hyunjin is already speaking again, totally oblivious.

"I think I'll keep seeing her. She's nice, cute, and this way we can both relax a little between schedules. After all, I've been practicing with you to do just this, haven't I!"

The tease in Hyunjin's voice makes Felix want to throw up. He talks about what they did together as if it were nothing important. Something you can just brush aside and put behind you as if it doesn't matter. But for Felix, it matters, it always has. That's when he realizes that Hyunjin will never be his. Never. He knew that one day he would cry about this, but he didn't expect it to happen tonight.

Suddenly, he can't stand sitting there anymore. He just can't. He'd known for a long time that Hyunjin didn't feel the same way about him, but he thought he could bear it. He just understood he can't. His heart is bleeding too hard, it hurts too much.

And yet, he doesn't want to hurt Hyunjin's feelings. It’s not his fault his straight. It’s really not his fault Felix fell for him so long ago, when they were kids, and kept loving him until this day.

So he nods. He can't bring himself to congratulate him, it's impossible. But he smiles at him. Weakly.

He's doing his best.

His phone makes a notification sound. He takes it out of his shorts pocket to check it. It's his manager, at the convenience store.

"Hyunjin, I'm so sorry," he says, trying to sound convincing. "My colleague at the store just went home sick. My manager wants me to come and cover his shift for him. I can't refuse, I need this job. I'll have to leave."

Hyunjin's disappointed look almost changes his mind. Then the image of his friend kissing a girl flashes into his head, and he stands up, stumbling slightly, and walks away.

"Sorry, Jinnie. I was so happy to see you, but I really need to keep this job. I have to go. I'm sorry."

He steps back again as Hyunjin stands up and walks toward him, his eyes pleading, mouth open to protest.

"I wish you success in your idol career. I know you'll succeed, I'm sure of it, you have everything it takes," Felix stammers. "I'll be thinking of you, I promise."

And then he’s gone. And a confused Hyunjin asks himself why his friend looked so sad. No, more than sad. He looked destroyed.

Felix goes to the store, but once he arrives, he can't bring himself to go in. How could he possibly serve customers all evening, smile at them? He just can't do it. He drags himself home, undresses mechanically, and curls up in a ball on his bed. There, alone in the darkness of his room, he finally lets go and bursts into tears.

He cries for a long time. Until the skin under his eyes and the sides of his nose are raw, and his chest aches. If he could have imagined this, back when he first had the idea to make that unfortunate proposal to Hyunjin, if he could have guessed then the depth of his despair, he would have kept quiet. He wouldn't have offered Hyunjin all of this. He would have been content with being Hyunjin's best friend, and when the time came, when Hyunjin found someone to love, Felix could have tried to meet someone too. But those shared nights had left an indelible mark on him, and he wondered how he would cope with a life without the physical contact. How could he stay by his side knowing that every time they spoke, Hyunjin might very well have left someone else's bed a few hours ago?

He ignores his phone when it rings. His manager tries to reach him. Hyunjin tries to reach him. He doesn't answer anyone; he can't speak.

The next day, Felix is ​​exhausted. He struggles to get out of bed, and as he walks down the hall toward the bathroom, he trips over one of the many cardboard boxes scattered across the floor. He lets out a soft cry as he falls. He lands on his wrist, hears a small crack, and the sharp pain immediately brings tears to his eyes. Sitting amidst the mess of half-full boxes, clutching his injured wrist to his chest, the young man sobs pitifully until his mother comes upstairs and rushes to his side, embracing him.

"Lixie, what's wrong, sweetie? Are you hurt?"

"Mom... I think I'm going to come to Australia with you," Felix announces into his mother's shoulder, just before bursting into tears again.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin has to be back at the company early in the morning for a filmed schedule. After Felix left, he tries calling him, hoping to chat for a bit, but Felix don’t answer. Hyunjin thinks back to his friend’s strange behaviour while he was there. Something was off, but he can’t pinpoint what.

When it becomes very late, alone in his childhood bed, he sends a few messages too, but with no more success. He wanted Felix to stay the night. It’s been so long. He wonders if his friend is alright. He seemed tense. And he's lost a little weight, or rather, he's slimmed down compared to the last time they saw each other; but he too has been sculpted by the company's strict regimen and the long hours of daily dancing. It’s maybe only because they’re slowly reaching adulthood, both of them. 

During breakfast, he chats with his parents about what his life is like at the company, about his bandmates, their next concert. Very quickly, time passes and the manager comes to pick him up in front of the door. and his hectic life as an idol in the making resumes immediately.

For the next two weeks, he sends Felix more messages than in the past few months, carving out time in his overloaded days to type a few words on his screen. Felix doesn't read any of them. This begins to genuinely worry him, so he writes to his mother to ask her to check on him.

Her answer isn’t satisfying at all. Hyunjin feels more and more restless.

"I don't know, Jinnie, but I'll try to stop by after my business trip. Remember, I won't be back for another ten days. Dad isn't home either. We quickly discussed it when you called last week."

His mother had returned to work a few years prior and traveled extensively to meet potential suppliers. It isn't uncommon for her to be away for a week or two at a time, and sometimes she and her father manage to coordinate their schedules and take a few days off together in a foreign country. Since Hyunjin is always at the company, this never bothered him; on the contrary. He's happy that his parents still get along so well after all these years together. He knows that sometimes, when children leave home, parents can feel lost and helpless. His own parents are a strong couple. His dream, for after his idol life, is to meet someone and start a family as close-knit as the one his parents created.

Since his phone still isn’t displaying any phonecall and his messages remain unread, Hyunjin decides to call Felix directly. A message informs him that the number is no longer in service. His heart fills with panic. What's going on? Why isn't Felix using his number anymore? What happened?

"Are you okay, Hyunjin?" asks Chan, the leader of his group, who quickly realizes Hyunjin’s panicking..

"I'm worried, Channie-hyung. Felix, my best friend, he isn't answering his phone anymore, and now I have a message saying his number is no longer valid," Hyunjin explains, his voice strained. He nervously bites his thumbnail. "Will we have some free time soon? I'd like to go to my parents' house. He lives on the same street, with his family. I need to see for myself that he's alright. This isn't normal. It never happened before."

"Is that your blond friend, the one whose picture you showed me?" Chan inquires.

Hyunjin nods, and his eyes moisten with a suspicious dampness that his older brother immediately notices. Although he is very strict with the members of his group, he loves them all dearly, every single one of them; he doesn't want to see a any of them unhappy.

"I'll check with the managers, but I think you can go home tomorrow evening, provided you come back here for the night. We have a shoot very early the next day."

Chan looks at Hyunjin. He’s worried. He never saw him this affected since he chose him to be part of Stray Kids.

“Will you be okay, Hyunzales? Should I worry?” 

Chan’s tone is soft, full of love. Hyunjin feels his eyes water, but he won’t cry. He has no reason to cry now. Felix has maybe forgotten his phone somewhere and bought a new one with a new number, and he’ll tell Hyunjin tomorrow. Hyunjin regrets not having saved his sisters phone. They were always bothering them when it was him who went to Felix’s house, but they were nice and he’d have some way to ask about Lixie now.

“It’s okay, Channie-hyung. Thank you for letting me go home tomorrow, it’ll help. I’m sure it’s nothing important. But he’s my friend and I need to be sure”.

This is the first time since he debuted that he hates everything he has to do on a daily basis. He is no longer in control of his schedule and can neither disobey nor slacken his efforts, because that would impact the whole group, and not just him. After their rehearsal, when Chan nods in his direction, he all but runs towards the door where he knows his manager is waiting for him. 

Once the dancer left the room, Chan begins cleaning the dance studio. He sighs so loudly that the others look at him with concern.

"Is everything alright?" Minho asks.

"Yes, yes. Hyunjinnie's friend isn't answering his phone anymore, and our boy is worried about him, that's all," the group's leader replies.

“Is it a girlfriend?” asks Han who is sitting on the sofa nearby with a bottle of water. “Or a boyfriend, maybe?” He wriggles his eyebrows, but Chan doesn’t laugh. He’s seriously worried. He feels it in his bones: this is important for Hyunjin, and this could become a problem. Call it instinct or to be observant. He knows.

“Don’t talk about boyfriends here, Hannie”, scolds softly Minho. “We can’t let the higher-ups know we know two boys can love each other, they’ll freak out”.

Chan doesn't miss the wink he gives to Hannie, but he chooses to bury his head in the sand. One problem at a time is more than enough for him.

Hyunjin and the manager arrive at Hyunjin's house. He is surprised to see his mother's car parked in its usual spot, but he asks the manager to drive him a little further to Felix's family's house.

He immediately understands something is very wrong. 

The shutters of the house are closed. All of them. There are no cars parked in the driveway. No light filters through the front door. The manager parks the car and Hyunjin gets out slowly, his hands trembling, his heart pounding too hard and too fast.

He slowly approaches the door, climbs the two small steps, and rings the bell. The sound seems to echo in the void. An unnatural emptiness, as if the house inside were empty, letting the sound travel freely without any furniture to slow it down.

The manager calls to him. His outstretched finger points to a sign planted in the grass, which he hadn't seen when he got out of the car. Hyunjin steps forward and walks around it to read what it says.

"For Sale."

The skijigi drops a tearful, trembling Hyunjin off at his parents' house a few minutes later. He rings the doorbell for him, and when the door opens to reveal his mother, he gently pushes the boy inside, directly into her arms. Hyunjin doesn't hear his mother and the manager agree on a time to pick him up, nor the brief explanation the man offers his mother. He sobs against her chest until he hears the door close softly behind him.

When his mother gently pushes him away to look at his face, she sighs at her son's despair.

"Jinnie," she murmurs. "Come on, let's sit down, sweetheart." Hyunjin follows his mother into the living room and lets her embrace him on the sofa.

"Felix's house is empty," he whispers, as if saying the words aloud would make them more real than they already are. "He didn't tell me he was moving. I don't know where he is. His phone..." A sob interrupts him.

"What are you doing here, anyway? You said you'd be here for another ten days," he asks after a moment, wiping his eyes with the tissue  Mrs. Hwang offers him.

"After your message, I called a neighbor," his mother explains. "I was worried too, so I asked her to check on the Lee family. She sent me the picture of the sign, and I immediately booked a flight. I arrived just half an hour ago. I need to go back tomorrow, tho."

"I'm glad you're here, Mom," Hyunjin sobs again.

"I was planning to come see you at the company to let you know and give you a hug. I'm sorry I can't tell you where they went; I have no idea either. When your father and I left, there wasn't a sign yet." Hyunjin stays in his mother's arms for a long time, sniffing and being rocked like a little boy. He needs his mother's comfort. He feels like he's lost Felix for good. And maybe he has. How is he going to find him now? There are as many Lee families in South Korea as there are flowers in gardens. He'll never manage it, especially if he doesn't even have the time or opportunity to ask around the neighborhood, his old colleagues at the convenience store, or the other students at the university.

"I'll get you a glass of water; you need to rehydrate," his mother said after about ten minutes. When she returns and tenderly caresses his cheek before handing him the glass, Hyunjin finally manages to calm down enough to raise the glass to his lips without trembling so much.

He takes a few sips. The cool water soothes his throat, irritated by tears. Then a small coughing fit makes him spill water on his chest.

"Damn it," he swears, handing the glass back to his mother. "I'm going upstairs to change." It's not a leak; he really does need to change his shirt. But he suddenly needs to be alone for a bit. His mother is so sweet to have come back from her trip just so he won't be alone when he discovers the house emptied and put up for sale, but he needs a few minutes to consider his options. The despair he feels is compounded by a sense of injustice. Why did Felix do this? Why didn't he text him to tell him he was moving out? On top of the sadness, anger begins to rise within him. 

In his room, he takes off his wet clothes and grabs the hoodie lying at the end of his bed to put it on. He notices it's a little too short in the sleeves and waist. Is it an old garment his mother left there to ask if he'll wear it again or if she can give it away? His hands slip into the pocket on his stomach, and he freezes abruptly when he feels an envelope beneath his fingers.

"Felix." 

It's the sweater he took off Felix a few days earlier when he came to see him. He put it at the end of the bed, on top of the duvet, to force him to put on the one he brought him, the one with the Stray Kids logo. His mother made the bed after he left the next day; he didn't have time to do it himself. She simply placed the garment on top of his duvet.

Trembling, Hyunjin pulls the envelope from his pocket and slides to the floor. He turns the paper over and over. Felix has written "Hyunjin, Happy Birthday" in his cramped handwriting and drawn a heart on it. His eyes moist, the idol runs his index finger under the glue to slowly open the envelope, as if it were a precious treasure. He takes out a classic birthday card, made of shiny paper, with flowers on the front. Sunflowers, one of his favorite flowers. He unfolds the card.

Inside, Felix has written a long message, in tiny, tiny print. Hyunjin can easily picture him hunched over his desk, a fine-tipped pen in hand, writing carefully, trying to cram as many words as possible onto a single line to maximize space. And at the very bottom of the right-hand page, he has taped a tiny red paper envelope. Jinnie smiles faintly. It's so typical of Felix. The attention to detail, the red envelope, his favorite color. He's tempted to discover its contents right away, but he prefers to read first.

"Dear Hyune," he begins. Hyunjin whispers the words. They seem more real that way. "I don't know if I'll be in the same room as you when you read this, or if I'll have run away, lacking courage, but in any case, I won't be very far away and you can find me whenever you want. If you still want to after what I have to say. First of all, happy birthday. I know I already wished you a happy birthday on your actual day, but we haven't seen each other since this winter and I don't really feel like I've been able to properly wish you a happy birthday. I wish you happiness, that you succeed in becoming the idol you dream of being. May your path be paved with all kinds of joy, may your music touch the souls of millions of people. I'm sure that all the poetry within you will explode and illuminate the world, because you have always illuminated my world, all these years. You deserve all the happiness in the world, I hope you never doubt it. Hyunjinnie, I'm going to confess something very precious to me. I'm terrified you'll be angry or won't want to see me anymore after this, but I have to get these words out of my system, to offer them to you. I know you won't want them, but I also know you're a kind person and that you won't make fun of me. You're not cruel, that's why I dare to write these words to you. But maybe I'll ask you to open the envelope only later, when I've left, and you're far away from me again. This secret I want to reveal to you is my feelings for you. I've been in love with you since we were children. I know you can't reciprocate my feelings because you're not gay, and I completely understand that. You can't force yourself to love a man, just as I can't force myself to prefer girls. My heart has chosen you. I just wanted you to know it. Because I can't keep it to myself any longer. I bought you Homaïkas rings for your birthday. It's not much. Just a simple symbol of our friendship, because that's what matters most to me in the world. My family is moving to Australia. My father found a job there, and they're going to live in Sydney. I've chosen to stay here, where you are. I want to be able to support and encourage you in the career you've chosen. I miss you a lot, but I know it's for the best, because what you're doing makes you happy, and that's all I want. For you to be as happy as possible. There’s no more room. Happy birthday, Jinnie. Felix."

Tears run down Hyunjin’s cheeks. He gently peels off the tape holding the small red envelope and pulls out two resin rings, one black and one white. He holds them in the palm of his hand as he begins to sob again, his heart pounding in his chest. 

Felix has just confessed his feelings. Felix is ​​in love with him. 

And Felix is ​​gone. 

The card slides to the floor. Hyunjin reaches out to pick it up, discovering a few more lines on the back. Here, the ink has bled a little. The card's surface isn't meant to be covered in ink in this area.

"Don't worry, I'll never tell anyone. I'll never embarrass you or risk your career, I promise. I'll be your biggest fan, but also the most discreet."

When his mother comes to check on him a little later, worried about him not coming back down to the living room, she finds him curled up on the rug in front of his bed.

"Oh, Jinnie," she whispers, kneeling beside him and taking him in her arms.

"Mom," the idol sobs, opening his hand to show her the rings, "Felix left this for me when he was here the other day, and I didn't know it," he explains, his voice breaking with sobs. "He loves me. He wrote that he loves me."

"I know," Ms. Hwang murmured. "Of course he loves you."

But Hyunjin sits up and shakes his head.

"You don't understand, Mom, he wrote in his letter that he's in love with me," he says. "I didn't know, Mom, and now he's gone and I don't know where he is. He wrote that his family was going to Australia but that he would stay here to support me, and I can't reach him anymore." Mrs. Hwang frowns. She gently nudges her son to sit up on the bed.

"But sweetheart, I thought you two were together, you and Felix," she says cautiously, taking her son's hand in hers. Hyunjin holds onto the card, and she’s careful not to drop it. Hyunjin stares wide-eyed at his mother.

"I'm not gay, Mom," the young man explaines. "Felix is, but I'm not."

His mother's expression darkens. She frowns.

"Jinnie, I thought you and him had been together for a long time. Dad too. We were very surprised that you chose to become an idol, because we didn't understand how you hoped to continue your relationship with Lixie while also pursuing a career in entertainment, but we accepted it, thinking you had the right to try," Mrs. Hwang explains to a stunned Hyunjin.

There is a silence, and then his mother continues.

"I know there's been lubricant and baby wipes in your bedside table drawer for a while now. I thought they were for..." 

Hyunjin blushes furiously.

"No... no, Mom. Well, a little, but it wasn't like that between us," he tries awkwardly to explain, despite his embarrassment at discussing this with his mother. “Felix and I were… trying things out to practice for later, so we wouldn’t disappoint our future girlfriends and boyfriends. It was his idea. This is so embarrassing, Mom,” he whines. “But I’m not gay.”

“You mean you two were… sexual? The two of you? Without you being attracted to him?” His mother’s voice remains very gentle. This is important, and her son needs to understand that he may not have fully grasped the implications of his actions. Hyunjin nods, frowning.

“Yeah, no, we never… went all the way,” he stammers, “but he was hot and cute enough to… It didn’t bother me, he wasn’t a man, he was my best friend…” He seems increasingly lost. Panicked, almost. He places the birthday card on the bed behind him, the rings on top, before getting up to pace the room, pulling on the too-short sleeves of Felix's sweater.

“I’ve never been attracted to other boys,” he muses aloud. “I became interested in that later than my friends, and I’ve always only wanted to go out with girls.”

He looks up at his mother.

“I can’t be gay,” he whispers. “Impossible. I’ve slept with girls.” 

His mother winces discreetly. She left the discussion about condoms and respecting consent to her husband back then, knowing that Hyunjin’s father would do a good job teaching his son what he needed to know. But now she’s alone with him, and he needs help. He’s suffering from not knowing where to find his friend. His best friend, the one who just confessed his feelings for him. The friend with whom he discovered his sexuality, even though he thinks he’s straight.

“Sweetheart,” she says softly. “It’s okay to be gay, you know.” 

“I know, Mom, Felix is ​​gay, and it never bothered me,” Hyunjin retorts. “I stayed single so I could be near him, because I didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him because of it.”

“And now? Now that you know he’s in love with you? What would you like to say to him?” 

His mother doesn’t take her eyes off him. Hyunjin feels his eyes welling up with tears as he remembers he has no way to contact Felix to tell him… to tell him what? “Thank you for your feelings that I can’t reciprocate,” “I’m flattered,” “That touches me,” “Let’s just be friends?” Exactly what he used to say to girls who came to confess their feelings at recess at school?

No. He knows that isn’t what he wants to say to Felix. But he doesn’t really know what he would want to say. It’s too complicated.

"I don't know, Mom," he whimpers piteously. "I don't know where I stand."

Ms. Hwang decides to leave him alone for the moment. He feels distraught; he deserves some time to think things through. The ringing of the doorbell downstairs prompts her to get up.

"Your manager is back, sweetheart. You'll have to return to the company. I'm so sorry you can't stay here with me tonight," she says, walking over to give him a hug. "I'll try asking around to see where Felix might be staying now, okay?" she offers. "Maybe one of our neighbors will know something. Or your old friends." 

Hyunjin nods in agreement. He needs to see his friend. He needs to know he’s okay.

A memory flashes into his mind.

"Mom... when he was here, I told him I'd finally slept with a girl... that she was another idol and that it was good because that way, it wouldn't get out, and we have to protect our reputations... and that I was going to keep seeing her because it would be simpler that way..." His heart sinks in his chest. He feels guilty, even though he had no way, at the time, of knowing the young man's feelings for him.

His mother gently strokes his cheek.

"He must have thought he lost you for good. You didn't know, sweetheart. Don't worry too much. We'll find him. In the meantime, think about what you want to tell him. It's really important. He confessed to you, to his best friend. It was really courageous, even in writing. He deserves to know your true feelings towards him when you get him back."

"He should have known that it was nothing more than that between her and me. I didn't know..." Before walking him back to his manager, his mother hugs him one last time.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I was sure you and Felix had been a couple for a long time. I shouldn't have misjudged the situation. You two were so cute... We'll find him." 

Hyunjin buries his face in his mother's neck. 

"You know”, she tells him,”it was hard for us to see you disappear when you became a trainee at the company. You were there, and then after a few months, you were never there anymore. You were busy learning so much and probably didn't have time to think about it, but it was different for Felix. He missed you so much. He used to drop by often to say hello at first, and then little by little, his visits became less frequent. When I ran into him, he was always polite and kind, but he looked so sad. We all missed you so much, but I think he's the one who suffered the most. Think about that when you see him again. Respect his feelings, even if you don't share them. He was your best friend for so long. He deserves your honesty, okay, son?"

"I miss him too, Mom. I miss you and Dad, I miss my friends, but I miss him the most. I’m sorry."

It’s only a whisper. But it contains every emotion Hyunjin feels right now.

"Don't apologize. You're doing what's best for your future. I just wanted you to be aware that your departure and your choice have had consequences for those you left behind. You're a kind and intelligent young man, and I'm very proud of you. I'm not saying this to hurt you, darling, but so you remember that you have people who care about you outside the work zone of your company."

"Yes, Mom. I won't forget again. I'll find Felix and tell him how I really feel. By then, I'll understand."

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

When they land in Sydney, Felix helps his family to gather their belongings, their suitcases and helps his grandmother to sit on a bench until they are ready to hop into the two cars they have ordered. He helps his father putting the suitcases into the trunks, makes sure his sisters haven’t forgotten anything, asks his mother if he can help her with her handbag. He’s his usual self: helpful, smiley. But his eyes look so sad. He does his best to put on a show, but he fools no one.

Seeing him so unhappy breaks his mother's heart.

He didn't tell her everything. He simply said that from now on, he and Hyunjin wouldn't see each other anymore, and that there was no point in staying in Korea when he could remain with his family and continue his studies in Australia, surrounded by his loved ones. She was reassured to know he wouldn’t stay in another country, so far away from her maternal love and care, even though she sensed his sadness. 

She thought that Felix and Hyunjin had a solid relationship, which began when they moved into their house in Korea after coming straight from Sydney to reconnect with their Korean roots.

She likes Hyunjin very much. He was always polite and well-mannered, very respectful. A little shy and reserved perhaps, but that didn't bother her, rightly thinking that his calmness might help channel her extroverted son.

A few years after their first encounter, in a tiny park at the end of their street, she realized that her son probably felt more than friendship for Hyunjin. The way he looked at him, the way he carried himself when he was near him… She sensed it wasn't just friendship. And she was convinced it was mutual. 

Then Hyunjin became a trainee, and her son discovered loneliness.

She has the boy's mother's phone number in her purse. She saved it a long time ago, but she won't use it. Felix was careful not to leave anything behind that could help Hyunjin find him. She doesn't know why, but she imagines an argument. Felix hasn't told her everything.

She will respect his choice. If he decided to accompany them so far away from that boy, it's certainly for a good reason. He will talk about it to her one day. He will tell her. For now, she respects his sadness and his silence.

She watches how her son acts when their taxis pull up in front of their new address. He rushes to help his father unload suitcases from the car trunks, offers his arm to his grandmother. He smiles at his sisters to reassure them. 

Her son is still the same. Sunny, so kind. But his light is dimmed, and it hurts her heart.

Their new house is much bigger than the one they lived in in Korea. The company that hired his father pays part of the rent. While his sisters marvel at the size of the rooms, the large garden, and the swimming pool (currently closed) visible in the back, he accompanies his grandmother to her room on the ground floor. Their furniture and most of their belongings are already there, brought by a company specializing in moving from one continent to another. All that's left is to unpack the boxes and suitcases and put everything away.

Felix tries to gush with his sisters about the new playroom in the basement, about the number of bathrooms that will finally allow them to take their time getting ready in the morning. He admires the kitchen with his parents, who are thrilled to have an island, a large refrigerator, and new appliances. He nods when his grandmother proudly shows him that she has a special exit leading from her bedroom to the garden.

But he can't bring himself to be happy. It's too hard. He's so far from Hyunjin, so far from everything he knows! He was born in Korea. His parents came there with his older sister a few months before he was born. His grandmother, his father's mother, could no longer live alone after an accident, and his parents decided to spend a few years in their homeland. Felix learned English from them, and Korean from his grandmother. His whole life has unfolded there.

He feels lost. The smells aren't right. The sky isn't quite the right color. He knows Australia; he used to vacation there regularly when he was younger. His parents always said they'd go back someday, when they had the chance. But settling there is another matter, and his heart aches with a sorrow made up of homesickness – and missing Hyunjin.

He shakes himself off the wall. He has to adapt. Right now. It's the only way to get his life back on track. He has the chance to experience a fresh start, to begin again from scratch. In a stunning location. A city that intrigues him.

He spends the evening tidying his things and arranging his room. His father comes to see him, his tablet open, browsing a decoration online shop. He suggests buying lamps, a rug, some gadgets to decorate his new space. Felix doesn't choose many things, but appreciates the opportunity to personalize his room. He smiles when he hears his sisters squeal with delight at the idea of ​​shopping online at their father's expense.

He only cries once. When he discovers a small red envelope in the box containing his schoolbooks, an envelope he hastily put there after deciding to leave with his parents. When he opens it, he finds two resin rings, one black, and one white. They are identical to the ones he gave Hyunjin for his birthday. He bought two pairs, hoping to share this small connection with his friend. 

He slips them onto his finger, his face ravaged by silent tears, then curls up on his bed to cry over everything he has lost these past few months.

He suddenly remembers: he hadn't had a chance to give Hyunjin the card and the rings before running away, because Hyunjin hadn't given him time to get them out of his sweater pocket before ripping it off and replacing it with one bearing the Stray Kids logo.

That meant Hyunjin knows. He must have found the card and read it eventually. Found the rings. Felix sit bolt upright in bed, his eyes wide. In the end, he was right to come to Australia. He never would have been able to face Hyunjin knowing he'd read his words after getting himself a girlfriend. Oh my god. He imagines with horror the pity in his childhood friend's eyes. His pained kindness as he would explain that he appreciates him, but that he's already with someone, that this girl who moves in the same world as him is a better match than his childhood friend, that he's never had those kinds of feelings for him. Felix blushes with retrospective shame.

His resolve solidifies. He won't forget Hyunjin, he knows it. It’s impossible. He's been in love with him for so long. But he will love him discreetly, from afar. In silence. Keep the rings on his finger, because he don't want to forget him, but never speak of him again. He won't try to get back in touch later. He will be a fan. Just a fan of his idol persona, of the singer, of the dancer.

And he will force himself to meet people. He will go out. Party. Make friends here in Australia. He will live a good life, in a different world than the one he'd hoped for, but he won't waste his chance. He can be happy here. Even without Hyunjin. He just has to learn to love him from afar, like his other fans will. It’s easy like this. He’ll live happily. For himself, his family, the friends he’ll make here.

With this new mindset, Felix washes his face before joining his family at the kitchen table for their first dinner in their new home, in their new country. He’ll do his best.

The next day, he and his father finalize his university application. He chooses the same subjects as in Korea; he doesn't want to give up dancing. They then look for a small apartment and find a studio not far from the university, which they book immediately. His older sister will be studying in another part of Sydney and will be housed in a dormitory at her request, while their younger sister will stay at home, her school being near enough. Preparing for the start of the academic year keeps Felix busy enough that he doesn't thinks too much about Hyunjin. K-pop is present and loved in Australia, but not as pervasive as it has been in Korea.

That evening, he’s strolling around the neighborhood to get used to his new surroundings when the door of the neighboring house opens to reveal a woman with long, dark hair and a kind smile. Felix greets her politely and freezes when his eyes meet hers. What were the chances that their neighbors were Korean?

"Good evening," he says, smiling kindly as the woman approaches him.

"Good evening, young boy! I was just about to ring your doorbell to welcome your family," she says sweetly, a smile on her lips. Felix likes her immediately. She looks about his mother's age, with  gentle eyes and a warm smile.

"I'll come with you," he offers, smiling. “My parents will be so happy to meet you”, he adds, politely, but sincerely. 

"Mom, Dad," Felix calls as he opens the front door. "Our neighbor came to say hello," he explains when his parents join him at the door. The adults exchange greetings and exclamations when they realize that the neighbor is also Korean.

"My husband is at work, but if you don't mind, I'd like to invite you over for dinner tonight. I'm so happy to have new neighbors. The house has been empty for a few weeks now, and I think it's wonderful that you're from Korea! My son is there right now. I have two other children; I'll have to introduce you to them sometime. They're all away this week, unfortunately." 

They are soon all seated around the living room table, glasses or coffees in front of them. Felix smiles gently as he watches the scene from the kitchen, where he gathers some cookies on a plate to offer to their unexpected guest. His parents are true social creatures, just like him, and seeing them make a friend so quickly is encouraging. He, too, will manage to fit in. He's sure of it. He heads to the table and puts the cookies down before excusing himself to go for a walk. He wants some fresh air, and the temperature is mild enough for him to enjoy it for another hour or two.

Once the young man disappears outside, the neighbor leans toward Felix's mother.

"Your son really has an extraordinary voice," she says. "He could become an idol if he wanted to, I'm sure of it." 

Mrs. Lee grimaces. Luckily, Felix has already gone outside and doesn't hear her, even though it's meant as a compliment.

"You know, he had a very good friend in Seoul, but that friend distanced himself after becoming an idol himself. I don't think my son would want to pursue that kind of career after what just happened to him. He's still very upset about this whole thing."

"Oh no, the poor thing, I'm so sorry!" The poor neighbor buries her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry for him. The idol world is difficult, demanding, and it's complicated for young people starting out to maintain ties with their previous lives, you know. I don't want to defend this boy, but you know, ..."

The conversation continues, more serious, heads bowed towards one another, as if the people around the table were embarking on some secret conspiracy.

Meanwhile, Felix walkes the sidewalks of his new neighborhood, learning to appreciate the scent of the air he breathes now. His new life has begun, and he is going to do everything he can to make it as fulfilling as possible.

Even without Hyunjin.

Despite his immense sadness.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin genuinely loves his current life. The members of his group quickly became a true family, as close as his own. They love each other like real brothers because they have no real family around, and maybe because their real families don't necessarily understand the world of entertainment, its demands, its limitations. 

With Channie-hyung, Hyunjin knows he's safe and that his leader will do everything possible to help him if he has a problem, a doubt, or anything else. Hyunjin is certain that the man who created Stray Kids from a group of shy, awkward, and clumsy teenagers would be willing to help them hide a body if necessary. He can be tough and demanding, but it's only to push them to be better. He believes their success depends on how he gently bullies them to give their best in all circumstances. Hyunjin deeply respects him and considers him almost like a father, much to the chagrin of the boy who is only slightly older than him. 

With Lee Know, it's more something slightly maternal, but don’t tell him that, he’ll put you in the air fryer at 180° for 20 minutes. He cooks for all seven of them, nudges them to tidy and clean their dorm. He forces them to wash up when they're too exhausted to have the energy. He doesn't show it easily, but he also considers them all his chicks. Or rather, his kittens. He doesn't hesitate to give them a gentle smack when necessary, but always with love and tenderness, to make them understand what not to do.

Changbin is his best friend. The boy, initially rather scrawny, gradually becomes a gym enthusiast, and his arms swell with solid, reassuring muscles. Even though Hyunjin is taller than him, it's Changbin who comforts him when sadness and nostalgia overwhelm him. And that happens quite often. Every time he remembers that he lost Felix. He's the only one he's told everything to. Everything they did together. What he was thinking while he was doing it. What happened the last day they saw each other, and what Felix wrote in his birthday card. Changbin knows what the rings mean to Hyunjin, and why he never takes them off. He's the only one who knows that Hyunjin still hopes that if Felix sees a picture of his hands adorned with those rings somewhere online, he'll come back to him. He wears them to remember, and to send a message to his friend. Changbin is also the only one who knows that Hyunjin is still unsure what he'll say to him, even though he promised his mother he'd think it through carefully and be ready to talk to his childhood friend. Changbin keeps his secrets, and for that and many other reasons, he respects him immensely and loves him like a brother. 

Things were complicated with Han at first, but then they grew closer. Hyunjin's anxieties and Han's worries eased each other. Now that they know each other well, they adore each other and don't hesitate to rush to each other's aid to escape a scolding from Chan or Minho. The fact that the mischievous young man celebrates his birthday a day before Felix makes him precious to him, a living reminder of the blond boy's existence, even though they've never even met.

Seungmin is their lead singer; his voice fascinates Hyunjin, as does his personality. Reserved, a little quirky but endearing and adorable, Seugmin is the free spirit of the group, full of whimsy. Hyunjin likes to tease him to draw him out of his shell, delighted when the boy starts chasing him around the rehearsal room.

As for Jeongin, their maknae, he's the ideal honorary little brother. Absolutely adorable, cute, and irresistible, Hyunjin adores him and would do anything for him. The boy's protective instincts blossomed as soon as he met him, on the first day, with his fox-like eyes and his smile adorned with braces.

There was another member, a boy older than Chan with a beautiful voice. They don't talk about it. The hurt is too acute, especially for their leader. A few weeks after recording their very first album, Woojin abruptly decided to leave the group. He never really explained his choice, but just weeks before the album's release, the remaining members had to re-record everything, shoot new videos, and take new photos. The very young Seungmin had to step in at the last minute to replace the more experienced lead vocalist. They slept so little during this period that it caused some personal problems for all of them; they weren't able to explain to their loved ones why they no longer had time to call or visit them. Their contract prevents them from disclosing this kind of information to outsiders, and since they don't want to discuss it amongst themselves, they simply pretend that their choice was always to be seven instead of eight.

This is the only downside on the professional side. Their slogan "Eight is fate" is gathering dust in a drawer, impossible to use with a team missing a member. After a difficult start, Stray Kids are experiencing their first real successes, their group's concept being to prove they could succeed without help. They work hard to gain recognition, to export their musical style beyond the borders of Korea, and international fans consistently give them a warm welcome. They continue to grow every day, but their sound is instantly recognizable, and they are rightly proud of it.

"We're going on tour, guys," Bang Chan announces one morning when he returns from a meeting at JYP Entertainment's headquarters. "We'll start in Korea, then Japan, Taiwan, Australia. We'll take a short break there to film an SKZ Code in Sydney, and then we'll head to the United States. We'll have a lot of work to do to get ready, but I know we can do it. We're going to kill it." Exclamations erupt from the small group.

"I can't wait to discover other countries," Seungmin announces. "It's going to be interesting to meet STAYs in all these places!"

"Will we have individual rooms in the hotels?" their maknae worriedly asks, already fed up with the members constantly doting on him like he is their most precious treasure. The next person who tries to kiss him on the cheek will get a slap, whether they like it or not.

"I'm crashing with Han," Minho warns, grabbing the rapper and settling him firmly onto his lap. “Nobody wants him, you can keep him”, answers Ayen while laughing at Han’s weak slap on his shoulder.

In the chaos, Hyunjin remains silent. He's thankful to be going on tour. It's a culmination, an essential step, something he's been eagerly anticipating. Yet, he can't quite bring himself to be really happy. The same nostalgia that pervades his daily life blurs his emotions, both positive and negative. He wants to pick up his phone and text Felix, to tell him what just happened, to promise to send him photos of the beautiful sights he will find along the way. Changbin, sitting next to him on the sofa, gently squeezes his arm to comfort him.

"Leaving in a month, you'll need to pack clothes for both hot and cold weather. Just a reminder for those who don't know: Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, and it'll be hot when we get there," Chan explains, smiling at the chaos. "My parents are inviting us to stay at their house when we're in Sydney, after we've filmed SKZ Code. We'll have four whole days off."

The cheers bring a smile to Hyunjin's face. Sydney, the city where Felix's parents had moved. Where he has most certainly gone with them. What if he buys a ticket to their concert? What if Hyunjin spots him in the audience, a blond head among so many others, but infinitely more precious? The young man lost himself once again in his thoughts, in the questions that had remained unanswered since his friend's disparition. He still can’t name what he really feels for him. He still doesn’t know what he would say if he could speak to him face to face.

The question continues to obsess him during rehearsals, in the weeks that follow, then as he packs his belongings into a bulging suitcase, and then at the airport, while photographers shout requests for finger hearts. He complies. With his hand adorned with rings. He hopes the photos will make their way to Felix's social media.

The fans in Japan are amazing. The group is electrifying on stage. This is where they wanted to be, all together. This is what they expected when they signed with JYP, this is why they worked so hard, why they sweated for hours on the hard floors of the rehearsal rooms, their eyes glued to their bodies in the wall mirrors, searching for the slightest mistake, the smallest gesture to correct. Now that they're here, facing their audience, they are ecstatic.

They add a concert date in Taiwan due to high demand. It means less rest for them. They don't care. Now that they've tasted the dopamine rush of a touring concert, they want more, ignoring the fatigue, brushing off exhaustion with one hand as if it were a mosquito.

That's how Hyunjin gets injured.

He's distracted because the flight to Sydney is scheduled for the next day, and it makes him nervous knowing he'll be in the same city as Felix in less than two days. The closer the date gets, the more he thinks about his friend. About everything they've shared. He remembers the first time he saw him, in the park down the street where he was on the swings. Then at school, where they were in the same class. He was a little boy with brown hair, his cheeks and nose sprinkled with freckles. Everyone in the class stared at his freckles and poor Felix blushed and tried to scratch them, until Hyunjin decided he was tired of seeing him hurt himself, and defended him in front of the whole class, despite his own shyness. He thinks back to their sleepovers at each other's houses, but most often at Hyunjin's, who had enough room for him in his bed, while Felix had a small bed and no space for a mattress on his bedroom rug. And it's when the memory of Felix's proposal comes to mind that he catches his hand in a car door.

He is taken to the hospital by a manager, accompanied by Chan, and an X-ray reveals a fracture. Fortunately, it's not severe, but his hand is put in a cast to prevent him from aggravating it by dancing. Of course, he refuses to sit sideways on stage. He has sacrificed everything to perform. He won't give up just because of a minor injury. Nevertheless, despite his insistence, the doctor demands he wait at least two days before flying, to allow the swelling in his hand to subside. He begs the manager, but to no avail; he will remain grounded and fly later. Finally, the entire group requests that their tickets be postponed to stay with him. When they land in Australia, they have very little time to prepare for the concert, but they have stayed together, and Hyunjin feels more motivated than ever.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Felix drinks a glass of water while checking his phone. He scrolls distractedly through articles with a flick of his thumb, not lingering on any of them. He doesn't have time to waste; he expects his mate from dance academy to get him soon, and then tonight he's going out—his current fling is taking him to a frat party.

He's about to put his phone back in his pocket when a photo catches his eye and he freezes. In the small, slightly blurry image, Hyunjin seems to be walking through a crowd, accompanied by his bandmates. Felix clicks on the article's title. It's been a while since he's seen anything about his friend in his feed. 

To be honest, he's been trying not to search for his name too much, to avoid being bombarded by the algorithm. He feels better about his life now, and is a little afraid of falling back into the depths of the grief he experienced in the first few weeks. Despite his good resolutions, he struggled, alternating between periods of excitement and constant activity and moments of despair at the thought of never seeing his friend again. For a few months now, his mood has stabilized, much to the relief of his family, who had been very worried. He made friends at university, at dance classes, he met people at parties, went out a lot and he finally enjoys life again. 

The enlarged photo allows Felix to see Hyunjin better. Although he is half-hidden by the shoulder of a stranger in the foreground, Felix can now make out the cast that holds his hand and wrist in a rigid position. What did he do? Why is he wearing a cast? Felix eagerly devours the article.

Stray Kids' Hyunjin injured his hand and was taken to the emergency room in Taiwan, where he was diagnosed with a minor fracture. JYP Entertainment has confirmed that the dancer will be able to continue the tour with his bandmates, but that necessary adjustments will be made to ensure his comfort. The reason for his injury has not been disclosed. Despite his cast, Hyunjin looks stunning in his Versace outfit. Rumors of an ambassadorship deal are circulating in the tabloids, as Hyunjin has been wearing many pieces from the brand recently.

Felix's heart aches with compassion for Hyunjin. He loves to dance so much, and Felix truly hopes he won’t have to put his career on hold because of his injury. He smiles softly as he closes the app and locks his phone.

Felix knows that Stray Kids is on tour. As he has promised himself at the beginning, he follows their progress as a group, buys their albums to support them, and even owns a few photocards. Once he'd gotten over the worst of the withdrawal period, he was able to listen to their music without crying, even when Hyunjin sang. Even though that beautiful voice fills his heart with a bittersweet nostalgia that left him lost in thought for hours.

He also knows he won’t be going to the concert. He isn’t sure he'd be able to. And he refuses to cry when Hyunjin appears on stage. It’s too much to ask.

"Lixie," his mother calls suddenly, "your car has arrived!" 

Felix put his glass in the kitchen sink and heads for the open front door. Mrs. Lee is outside on the front steps, tending to the plants she’s put in large, bulbous pots when they arrived several months earlier.

"Are you staying the night?" she asks as Felix kisses her cheek.

"Yes, I think so. I have my things, anyway. Don't worry, okay?" 

The blond boy smiles at his mother before going down the few steps and joining Alex, a friend from his dance academy, who is waiting for him in his car. He gets into the passenger seat, his backpack at his feet, and fastens his seatbelt.

Alex turns to face him before starting the engine. He’s handsome, taller than Felix, muscular but slender, with dark, shoulder-length hair. Felix smiles kindly at him and leans down to pat his knee.

"Come on, driver, take me to your place so we can change before the party," he orders, then straightens up to look at the road. 

Both know perfectly well that changing is only second on the list of things they are going to do together before the party.

*-*-*

"Why don't you ever want to kiss?" Alex whines when Felix turns his head away from his mouth. "I just fucked you for forty minutes and made you come twice in a row, Lix. I want to put my tongue in your mouth, not just up your ass." 

The blond sits up in the rumpled sheets, naked as the day he was born. He feels pleasantly tired, sated. He enjoys sleeping with Alex. Just as he has enjoyed sleeping with others before him, and just as he will enjoy sleeping with others after him. Alex is just one man among a litany of meaningless hookups. 

It started when the school year began. He made friends. Was invited to parties. Had his first time in a random room, with a random dude. He was interested in sex since he was a teenager. He would not have proposed naughty games to Hyunjin back then if he weren't tempted by such stuff.

Felix discovered early on that he liked sex, that's all, and he has needs to be met. He’ single, doesn’t lie to his hookups about feelings, so he doesn't see anything wrong with it. All he asks is to be fucked into oblivion. And all he refuses is to kiss.

"I don't kiss. Anyone. That's it. If that bothers you, we don't have to see each other again, Alex. We can just go back to being dance partners, that's fine with me." 

Felix seems detached, but that's because he doesn't really feel anything for him. He's just a friend. It just so happens that this friend is gay, handsome, a top,  and likes to push Felix into his mattress. 

For Felix, sex has become a way to forget reality for a few blissful minutes. To escape Hyunjin, who’s always lurking in the back of his mind. Because even though he avoids social media, the young man is a constant in his life. He dreams about him at night, he thinks about him during the day. But he's gotten used to it. He's accepted that he could never forget him. That's not his goal, not really. Sometimes, he thinks it would be more comfortable if he hit his head so hard he lost his memory. And then he feels guilty, because with Hyunjin, he has experienced the best moments of his life and he doesn't want to deny all of that.

It's still complicated. Sometimes. Not everyday. But still. He considers himself fortunate to be able to think of Hyunjin without crying.

He can live like this. And it relieves his parents to see him more calm now.

In any case, he doesn't kiss, because he was saving his first kiss for Hyunjin, even though Hyunjin didn't want it. He doesn't want to give it to anyone else, that's all. So he finds men to fuck him, sometimes two at a time, sometimes several times a night, sometimes in the toilets of the clubs where he goes to party, but he doesn't kiss any of them. Never.

Felix chose to go out tonight to avoid thinking about the concert happening at the same time.

Yet, he almost had to go.

"Felix, I have tickets for the Stray Kids concert," his neighbor said last week. "One for you and one for each of your sisters. We are going with my husband; I can take all three of you." 

The couple quickly became friends with his parents. They were very kind, genuinely, and the gesture was lovely, but Felix politely declined after thanking them. He simply didn't feel up to it. The look exchanged between his mother and his friend seemed a little too meaningful, but he simply assumed his mother had finally told her new friend his sad story. He doesn’t hold it against her. He knows he scared her with his mood swings, his unfathomable sadness, and his nights spent crying, followed by days when he couldn't sit still for a second, high on the effort to fill the void of his heart.

It’s almost time to go. Felix gets up, leaving Alex in the bed, and goes to take a shower in the dancer's tiny bathroom. Once clean, he returns to the room without bothering to hide. He doesn't care if Alex is watching. The dancer has his hands on his cock and slowly jerks off without taking his eyes off him. Felix pulls his clothes from his backpack and dresses calmly, ignoring the other.

He's wearing tight black jeans with a white tank top that's deeply cut out at the armpits. One of the straps keeps slipping off his shoulder, revealing the freckles that have darkened since he moved to live under the hot Australian sun. He ties his hair back in a small bun, thinking about how soon he'll have to deal with his roots, then sits on the bed to apply black kohl around his eyes.

"You look sexy," he hears just behind him as he packs his mirror and clothes into his backpack. "Open your mouth, darling." 

Alex thrusts himself into his field of vision, hard, flushed and ready to come. Felix looks up at him, about to refuse, then gives in. Why not, after all. He obeys, opens his mouth wide, accepting the intrusion on his tongue. Savoring its weight.

He doesn't kiss, but that doesn't mean he doesn't use his mouth for other naughty pleasures.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

"We nailed it, guys, really nailed it," Bang Chan congratulates them after the concert. "I'm so proud of you. So fucking proud. You're officially Australian, did you hear the cheers?" 

Chan hugges his bandmates one after another, despite being drenched in sweat. The concert was a phenomenal success. They played to a sold-out crowd, with hundreds of people outside the venue because they couldn't get tickets. On top of that, he is in his home country, his parents have attended, and many childhood friends have also made the trip. And they are going to have a few days off to enjoy it all. The SKZ Code was postponed because of Hyunjin's injury; they are officially on vacation.

Bang Chan is so happy.

Near him, Hyunjin is trying his best to smile, but his heart in't in it. His arm hurt, but he refuses to admit it to himself or anyone else. He'll take a pill later, when he unpacks before going to sleep. But first, they're going to party with Chan's childhood friends who have organized something for the occasion.

He'd like to refuse, but that would hurt Chan's feelings. He'll make an effort, for Chan's sake, and because the rest of the group is just as excited as their leader.

It's not their fault that Hyunjin got carried away imagining he'd find Felix in the crowd of fans at the concert. He scanned every blond head, one by one, without seeing him anywhere. He observed the crowd carefully. He'll probably read many messages from fans excited because their eyes met on social media tomorrow, but he doesn't care. He looked for him the entire concert. Without success.

To avoid any problems, Chan's friends organized the party at one of their houses. There are about half a dozen of them: his core group of school friends. Communication is a little complicated, as some of the Stray Kids aren't comfortable speaking English. However, Chan is bilingual, Seungmin is doing well because he lived in the US for a few months during his teenage years, and Han studied English as part of his schoolwork when he lived in Malaysia.

As for Hyunjin, he learned with Felix, who helped him with his classes, being bilingual. So he's comfortable speaking English, even though it's been several months, or even years, considering he's barely been able to talk to Felix since becoming a trainee. 

The young man, however, isn't really enjoying the party. He’s sitting on a sofa, an untouched glass in his hand. When Chan announces the departure after two hours, he’s happy to get up and head towards the cars sent by their managers. He greets everyone politely, apologizes for being tired, and lets himself be driven to Chan's parents' house, where they will be staying for the next six days, since the planned two-day SKZ code has been canceled because of his hand.

He barely registers the welcome he and his bandmates receive from their leader's parents. Exhausted, he lets himself be led through the hallways to a room furnished with a double bed, where he’ll be sleeping with Changbin. Chan explains that it’s his sister's room, as she’s unfortunately in the United States at the moment. It’s Changbin who nods, who pushes him towards the bathroom to take a shower, and who tucks him under the covers when he comes out still a bit damp, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. He falls asleep immediately when his head finds the pillow, his mind filled with the image of Felix's face, which he has been searching for all evening.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Felix is ​​having a great time at the party. He's barely arrived before he dumps Alex in the crowd. He wants something else now. Something more. Something that could give him a minute of oblivion.

It's all students, all in varying degrees of drunkenness. Couples are dancing on the dance floor set up in the middle of the living room, others are already groping each other in the corners of the room or in the shadows of the hallway. Felix checks his jeans pocket where he's stashed a few condoms, just in case.

It only takes him about forty minutes to find himself in an upstairs bedroom with two seniors he's hooked up with before. Without wasting any time on unnecessary words, they undress and collapse onto the bed. The two boys are a solid couple, but they like to spice things up by bringing someone outside their relationship in from time to time. 

Felix is ​​perfect for this role. He doesn't want to kiss any of them, doesn't ask for their phone numbers, and obediently follows all their instructions, flexible enough, thanks to dancing, to be contorted according to their desires. That's how the blond finds himself manhandled in the most incongruous positions. But as long as they use protection, he doesn't care. He lets the physical pleasure distract him from his longing, from that insidious emptiness that never leaves him. When he orgasms, again and again, tears streaming down his cheeks from being used so much, he is happy for a few wonderful seconds. Tonight, they want to try to fuck him together, even though one of them is a bottom, like him. Felix doesn't mind a little physical pain. And they’re not large enough to be of any harm. He lets them prepare him, lube him up, and enter him. He sees them kissing passionately in the mirror facing the bed, pressed against each other behind him. His heart clenches as his pleasure rises. He, too, wants to kiss the man of his life. He, too, wants to be so comfortable in his relationship that a third person isn't a threat but a new link between them. The bottom gives up, preferring to go in front of Felix and ask him for a blowjob. Felix comes again, filled from every angle, and the tears that slide down his cheeks are a mixture of blissful pleasure and bitter sadness.

It is already morning when he gets out of the two boys' car in front of his house. After refusing Alex's offer to drive him home, he fell asleep on a sofa somewhere in the house. The couple woke him when they decided to go home and offered him a ride on the way. 

Felix gets out of the back seat yawning, his backpack slung over his shoulder, mascara smudged under his eyes. He looks just like what he is: a student who's just spent a night drinking and getting laid. 

"Is this your parents' house? Won't they say anything? You look wrecked," one of the two boys worries when Felix thanks them. “And you smell like sexe and booze”, adds the other.

This isn't the first time his mother will see him come home like this, nor will it be the last. She says nothing. After all, he's an adult, he can do what he wants. And as long as he comes home in one piece... At least he's having fun.

Felix grimaces and shrugs.

"That's life," he says, turning away.

Suddenly, he hears barking. The neighbor's dog has escaped from their garden again and is charging towards him with all the strength of its short legs. Felix smiles, charmed, and kneels down to stroke its head when the dog greets him enthusiastically. 

"My little Berry, you've run away again? You know you're supposed to stay in the garden. It's not nice to frighten your owners like that." 

Felix feels a little ashamed to ring his neighbors' doorbell in his current state, but he can't let Berry wander onto the road, nor can he take her to his home to change into something less revealing; his owners would worry too much. He has no choice. With a sigh, he gets up, lifting the little dog into his arms, and lets it enthusiastically lick his face. 

"Come on, sweetie. I'm going to ring your parents' doorbell, and you'll stay home and be good this time." 

The young man walks to the front door, carrying the tiny Royal King Charles Spaniel in his arms. He loves the feel of its soft, warm little body, which he finds comforting, and Berry had taken to him as soon as they arrived. The door opens to reveal his neighbor.

"Oh, Berry, you naughty girl, you've run away again! Thanks for catching her, Felix! You should come in; I'll get you some orange juice, okay?" 

Felix is about to refuse, but he doesn't have time. 

He hears an exclamation, the sound of breaking glass. 

The blond man's gaze lefts his neighbor's face and wanders inside the house.

And there, in the doorway of the kitchen, with dozens of shards of glass at his feet and milk soaking his socks, stands Hyunjin.

Chapter Text

“Mom, did you know?”

“Yes, I knew. Ever since he moved across the street.”

“But why didn’t you tell me? Hyunjin has been trying to find him for months!”

“Because he didn’t want to be found. His mother told me. And also because otherwise, you would have told Hyunjin. You’re too honest for your own good. You take after your father. I couldn’t tell you.” 

Hyunjin vaguely hears Chan rushing over, ordering him not to move. He hears his leader talking to his mother. To Felix. He hears, but he doesn’t understand the words. Felix, his Felix, is standing in the doorway. Here, on this Sydney street whose name he doesn’t even know, which he couldn’t locate on a map for the life of him.

It’s his Felix, but not quite. Slowly, the initial shock allows a few details to seep through. 

It's Felix, but his face has hardened, his gentle, laughing expression gone.

It's Felix, but his freckles are more pronounced.

It's Felix, but he's wearing makeup, and traces of black eyeshadow have smudged across his cheeks, as if he's been crying.

It's Felix, but he's wearing really tight pants that reveal the soft curves of his legs.

It's Felix, but his hair is disheveled, as if it's been pulled.

It's Felix, but the t-shirt he's wearing reveals a bare shoulder with a bite mark, just above what looks like a hickey.

It's not his Felix anymore.

“Felix…”

His voice is hoarse. A lot more than what’s usual after a concert night. His eyes scan the figure of this unknown Felix, standing motionless in the doorway, a glazed expression on his face as if he'd seen a ghost.

"Felix," he tries again, but nothing comes out. He has to get closer, to touch him, to see for himself that it is indeed Felix and not an imitation, not an imposter, but someone holds him back, talks about broken glass, and orders him to wait a second. Minho, with a small broom in his hand, is cleaning up the mess he's made by dropping his glass.

The artificial silence of the initial shock suddenly fades. Everything rushes in at once. He hears the sound of the glass falling into a bucket nearby, feels the cold liquid soaking into his socks, hears Chan and his mother arguing in hushed tones, and the astonished exclamations of his bandmates who have joined the scene. He tries to move forward again, because he has to reach Felix; he absolutely must get close to him and see, smell, touch, and this time no one is blocking him. But Felix also wakes up from his stupor. He hands the dog to Chan's mother, who holds out her arms to welcome him, and turns around before running out of the house.

⋆˚☆˖°⋆｡° ✮˖ ࣪ ⊹⋆.˚

Felix races from his neighbors' house to his own, tears welling in his eyes. He hears footsteps behind him as he unlocks the front door, his name called by the voice he's learned to no longer wait for, to only hear through his headphones or earbuds, singing love verses which destroy him everytime. 

He can't face him. He's not ready yet. He thought he was cured, but now he realizes he isn't. He’s really not.

Hyunjin follows him into his house, trying to grab him, but Felix runs up the stairs, absentmindedly noticing the squishy sound Hyunjin's wet socks make on the tiles. He hears his mother and father come out of the kitchen, shouting, Hyunjin calling his name, but he doesn't stop until he reaches his room. He pushes open the door as Hyunjin catches up to him and throws his arms around him.

"Stop, Felix, stop!" the singer implores, pulling Felix's body against his chest. He buries his face in the hollow between Felix's neck and shoulder as a sob shakes him. "You're really here," he sobs. 

At the end of the hall, Felix's parents stand, less surprised than they should be. They exchange a glance and descend the stairs in silence, leaving the two boys to their own devices. 

When their neighbor, Jessica Bahng, called to tell them the Stray Kids members would sleep at her house after their concert, Ms. Lee knew that this would be the moment of their reunion. The two women discovered from the very beginning that their children would one day be connected. When Felix's mother told her new friend the story of Felix and Hyunjin, she quickly made the connection to the group her son leads, back in Korea. They agreed it was best for Felix to say nothing. In hindsight, maybe they were wrong. But it's too late to change things now. 

Felix feels the tears streaming down his cheeks, burning, devastating, and his heart tightening so much in his chest he’s afraid it will implode, but he says nothing. It feels surreal to be here, in Sydney, on his bedroom doorstep... and in Hyunjin's arms. Maybe he’ll wake up, back at the party, on this dirty couch. Maybe he’s dreaming. Maybe he wanted to see Hyunjin again so bad his brain created a really realistic dream.

But Hyunjin’s tears are soaking the skin of his shoulder, and the warmth of his body is seeping through the slim fabric of his top. 

He lifts a trembling hand and touches Hyunjin’s arm. He’s really there. He’s real. And… he wears a cast?

"Hyunjin... let go of me, please," Felix pleads in a voice he hopes is firm, but which comes out as a barely audible, weak, and trembling whisper.

In response, the singer tightens his embrace.

"You're going to run away again. You're going to slam the door in my face," he replies, his mouth pressed against Felix's sensitive skin, making him shiver.

"I promise you I won't."

"I don't believe you. You disappeared so suddenly. I'm not letting go; I'm afraid of losing you again." 

How is Felix supposed to survive this? This surge of emotion, this immense, immortal love for this awkward, clumsy, slightly shy boy he has never stopped longing for? He raises his other hand to grasp the arm around him.

"You're holding me too tight, Hyunjin, your cast is painful," he explains. "I swear I won't run away. We're in my house. Where do you want me to go?" 

This time, Hyunjin lets his arms fall, but quickly grabs Felix's hand with his good hand, unable to resist touching him now that he knows he's really there, that it's not a hallucination brought on by exhaustion.

"Can we talk?" the singer pleads, searching for answers to the questions that have plagued him for months, looking at the other's face. At his red eyes, at the freckles he missed so much, at his tiny nose, at those pink heartshaped lips he remembers so well. It doesn’t feel real to be here. To stand near him, to hold his hand.

Felix nods, already defeated.

"Come in. I'll take a shower and then we can talk," he agrees. "Wait for me here," he adds, leading Hyunjin to his desk. "And change your socks." 

He rummages in his dresser and tosses him a pair of clean socks, before grabbing a few things for himself and locking the adjoining bathroom door behind him.

Leaning against the shower wall, he lets the hot water wash away the traces of his wild night, the lingering scent of sex, the makeup smeared across his face. His heart has settled back into a more normal rhythm now, even though it races every time he thinks about Hyunjin sitting on the other side of the door, and that as soon as he’ll leave the shelter of the bathroom, they will have to talk.

He slowly soaps himself, wondering what Hyunjin will want to tell him. Or if he will maybe only want to question him. To ask him why he left.

The blond isn’t blind. He noticed Hyunjin never takes off the rings he has given him; he has seen the photos, read the fan speculations about it on social media. He rarely wears his own pair. It hurts too much. They are kept in a small case in his bedside table drawer. It’s been month since the last time he put them on his finger.

He rinses himself thoroughly, aware that he's taking longer than usual. Does Hyunjin remember his pathetic declaration of love? The stupid words on this birthday card? Is he angry because he didn't leave a way to contact him? Will he understand his reasons? Felix sighs as he puts on the clothes he's laid out. In any case, the singer will be leaving again very soon; he's in the middle of a tour. Whatever they say to each other, it won't change the fact that Felix will probably never see him again after this.

This thought completely depresses him and also encourages him to return to his room, ready to confront his childhood friend.

Hyunjin changes his socks into the ones Felix threw him. They're a little too small, but he doesn't care; at least his feet are dry. He gets up to find somewhere to put his milk-soaked socks, not wanting to carry them in his hand. He finds a laundry basket near the door through which Felix disappeared and neatly drapes them over the plastic rim. Then, instead of sitting back down, he wanders around the room, which looks nothing like the bedroom Felix had in his house in Australia.

He looks at the photos hanging on the wall: pictures of his family, a photo of his classmates from last year at university. A mountain landscape. Felix at the beach, in swim trunks, tanned like a cinnamon roll. There's a painting above the bed depicting a seascape. A few strings of fairy lights. Nothing else.

He returns to his desk chair and contemplates the knick-knacks adorning the desktop in front of his computer screen. A figurine of a manga character, a tiny Neuvilette, a small Pikachu. And then, in the corner, he discovers a few CDs, including their first albums. Mixtape, I Am Not, and I Am Who are there, stacked one on top of the other. On top of them, a small pile of photocards that Hyunjin picks up curiously. There's Channie-hyung, Seungmin, and Changbin. That's all. His picture isn't there. A little disappointed, he puts the three pictures back down just as the bathroom door opens.

With his blond hair loose, a clean face, and loose-fitting clothes, this Felix looks much more like the one he remembers. He doesn't dare get up, for fear of scaring him away, and watches him cross the room and sit at the foot of his bed. Hyunjin’s hands itch. He wants to get up and take him in his arms, like before, but everything has changed and he can't. So he simply holds his gaze, searching his eyes for a clue to what he’s thinking.

“I didn’t know our neighbor was connected to Stray Kids,” the blond boy begins, glancing down at his knees. “I didn’t expect to see you at her house.”

He pauses.

“I’m sorry I ran away like a thief. I was just caught off guard.”

Is he apologizing for today, or for months earlier?

“I also didn’t know Chan’s parents lived next door to your new house,” the dancer replies. “I would have begged Chan to take us to Australia a long time ago.” 

At these words, Felix looks up. Disbelief is etched on his face. But Hyunjin’s already speaking again. His heart is pounding in his chest. The words tumble from his lips; he has to tell Felix how much… how much he has missed him. He has to ask him why he has done this. The feeling of abandonment, the nostalgia, the melancholy that he carries with him everywhere and all the time since his disappearance demands to be expressed. Hyunjin wants Felix to be held accountable, to take responsibility for his grief.

So his voice is perhaps a little less gentle when he starts to talk.

"Why did you leave without saying anything, Felix?"

A pause.

"Why didn't you say goodbye? We were best friends!"

A tear.

"I was looking for you in the crowds, among the people gathered along the roadside to watch us drive by. I was constantly on the university website and on the social media of all our friends, and even those who weren't our friends, hoping to see you in a blurry photo, to recognize your face somewhere, anywhere!" 

Hyunjin looks up at the ceiling, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. Ashamed to be already crying.

"And you weren't even on the same continent anymore," he sighs bitterly. 

Only silence answers him. When he looks down, Felix is ​​wringing his hands in his lap, his face closed off. He looks hurt. But Hyunjin continues.

"Were you getting revenge for what I did with that girl? I wasn’t aware of… of your feelings at the time. I didn't know it would hurt you so much." 

He blushes, because it’s the first time he puts tangible words to this question that has obsessed him since discovering his birthday card. Did Felix leave out of jealousy? Because Hyunjin has bragged about that girl in front of him?

Hyunjin didn’t want to hurt him. It really never was his goal. He… didn’t really think it through before talking about her.

Felix still isn't looking at him, but he's inhaling, so Hyunjin falls silent so he can answer.

"No, that's not it. How could I blame you for being straight?"

He hesitates for a second.

"It hurt, Jinnie. It still hurts because you'll never be mine the way I want you to be mine." 

Felix simply confesses. His voice is barely a whisper, but he has to express what's in his heart, because this will probably be his only chance. Once Hyunjin leaves, he'll become a global star, and they'll never talk together again. Felix has no illusions about that. So even though his heart is beating too fast, too hard, and it's incredibly difficult to lay himself bare like this, he speaks honestly.

"It's the way you talked about what we had together."

Hyunjin sees the moment tears breach Felix's closed eyelids and spill down his tanned cheeks. Their path is winding, as if they're trying to avoid his precious freckles, for fear of marring them.

"It meant so much to me, and I don't blame you for it not meaning the same thing to you as it did to me—you can't help that—but it hurt so much."

He falls silent, just for a few seconds.

"I couldn't stay. I couldn’t stay there, waiting to get a message every now and then telling me about the new girl you're fucking... Or how it’s so convenient for you to be able to sleep with other trainees when you need to release some steam… It was beyond me; I couldn't have done it."

He pauses again, wiping his face with his hand.

"I had to think of myself. I had to try to move on."

He doesn't look up; he doesn't want to face Hyunjin. But he feels relieved. A huge weight has just been lifted. Maybe this conversation, as painful as it is, can be a turning point for him. Something that will help him to move on. It hurts as much as it did on the first day, but at least it's all out in the open. 

Hyunjin isn't crying anymore; he's thinking. His mother's words come back to him. Her advice to be ready. To know where he stands. To know what to tell Felix about what happened. He tried, really tried, but he's even more lost now that he's found Felix again.

"But I missed you, Felix," he says. "I wanted to share things with you, I wanted us to be happy together about my successes, about Stray Kids' success, and you weren't there anymore, and you didn't give me a choice. You decided for us. It wasn't fair."

Felix looks up at him, and a note of disbelief in his expression makes Hyunjin frown. The singer feels he’s the one who was wronged. Not the other way around. He didn’t knew about Felix’s feelings. It’s not his fault.

Felix inhales deeply. It gives him som courage.

"I was ashamed, Hyunjin. Of my letter, of my words. Imagine. Maybe I have written them on that card while you were in bed with that girl! It's not your fault you’re not feeling the same about me, but do you understand how it made me feel, listening to you talking about her? Can you put yourself in my shoes for just a minute? My heart was broken." 

The blond stands up when Hyunjin stands up. The singer doesn't know why he got up. To join Felix on the bed? He doesn't know, but he knows that Felix can't go near the door, he can't run away again, before everything is said. Everything is so hard right now, and his heart is racing, but Felix can’t flee again. 

The blond steps back as he advances and speaks again. 

"I don't blame you. Again, you're not responsible for what you feel. But anyway, you didn't have time to be my friend, even if I had been able to overcome my heartbreak and decide to stay in Korea."

This time, Felix doesn't look away, his eyes shining with new tears.

"I would have been alone, without my family, without you. Your career is demanding. I'm gay, and it shows. I don't hide it anymore. I’m done being quiet about it. They would never have let you keep a gay friend, Hyunjin; they would have kept you away from me, for the reputation of your group. And I understand, that's how things are there. I knew it from the start, from the moment you were chosen. It was obvious. I left to protect myself. I had the right to."

This makes Hyunjin speechless. He never thought about this. But he wants to argue. Even if he feels it in his core; Felix is right about what the company would have done. He had to cut people from his Facebook, from his Instagram. It was in the contract he signed. But he still wants to argue about it. He wants to contradict what Felix is ​​saying, to assure him that he would have done the right thing, and that he would never have accepted Felix feeling left out. 

He wants to remind him that he put off looking for a girlfriend when they were teenagers and Felix came out to him, so as not to leave him alone, but he doesn't have the time.

"I miss you every day, Jinnie. Every single day. But what would I have done between two of your messages? I have a life to live too. Successes to celebrate, good grades, achievements, and I couldn't send you some text to tell you, knowing that you knew my feelings for you, that I had confessed them so freely while you considered what we shared as… as mere anecdotes, as nothing more than sports practices!"

This time, Felix raises his voice. All his frustration spills out, and he's angry because Hyunjin doesn't seem to understand. What should he have done? Stay, after everything that's happened, wait for a quick text every now and then? He knows he talked about practicing, at first. It was his idea. But he sincerely thought… He really hoped he wasn’t the only one for whom it had become more than than.

It rarely happens, it’s not how he usually is, but now Felix is ​​truly angry. Although his anger fades as quickly as it arose when Hyunjin looks at him with eyes full of sadness.

"That's not true, it was never only that," he insists.

He's sincere. From the bottom of his heart. He may not have realized it before, but the moments he shared with Felix were never nothing more than anecdotes. There were real feelings, even if he doesn’t fully understand their meaning.

"Yet that's what you said when you told me you'd slept with a girl. That's exactly what you told me, Jinnie."

Light knocks on the door interrupt their... reunion? Argument?

Felix turns sharply and opens the door to escape the tension that fills the room.

An unknown young man stands in his doorway. Roughly the same height as him, with wavy hair, a gentle gaze, and a kind smile on his full lips, he tilts his head apologetically. He recognizes him immediately. He’s seen his face on socials, on his albums, and he owns his photocard. 

"Hi mate, Felix, right? I'm Christopher Bahng, or Bang Chan, or Channie, or Chris... Whatever you prefer. Anyway, I'm your neighbors' son, and my mother finally told me that she knew who you were but didn't want to tell me, for reasons I don't understand, but anyway. I thought it would be more polite to come and introduce myself." 

The young man extends his hand to Felix. The latter looks at the Stray Kids leader for a moment before forcing a smile in response and shaking his hand. Christopher seems nice, but Felix is ​​incredibly tense and doesn't know how to react without exploding and making a mess. There's no reason for the newcomer to be blamed instead of Hyunjin when it's his childhood friend who's responsible for his current tension.

"Hey mate, uh, nice to meet you, I really like the music you make," Felix says nervously. "Do... do you want something to drink?" 

Felix isn't quite sure why Chris came. Probably to pick up Hyunjin. They likely have a plane to catch, or a rehearsal to attend. Something more important to do than hang out in the room of a hungover Australian student having an existential crisis.

"I guess you came to get Hyunjin?" 

But Chan is already shaking his head, fluttering curly strands across his forehead.

"No, you can keep him a little longer, at least I know where he is," the musician replies. "I came to invite you over for dinner. My parents are cooking us barbecued lamb, and I'd like to get to know you. My bedroom window overlooks yours. If I hadn't gone to play in Korea, we probably would have become friends when you moved here." 

Felix smiles faintly, taken aback. He did not consider this.

"But... aren't you leaving for the rest of the tour?"

"We're here for six days. We're entitled to an exceptional holiday, and we're spending it at my parents' house," Chan announces with a wink. "So, we're counting on you for tonight. You know the way. My parents said you don't need to bring anything, even though Mom knows you'll still want to bring something. She says to choose a bag of chips young people will like since you won't listen to her."

Stunned, Felix watches the musician turn around and wave his hand.

Six days.

Hyunjin will be there for six days.

"I think you should go back next door with Chan," Felix murmures, not turning to Hyunjin, whom he senses standing behind him. "I hardly slept. I'm not in any condition to hold a conversation right now; I need to lie down for a few hours." 

Hyunjin’s about to protest. They haven’t finished talking. They haven’t really explained themselves. But Felix's gaunt face is marked by fatigue, the dark circles under his eyes too deep to be normal. He nodds. In any case, Felix hasn't refused the dinner Chan has just invited him to; he will definitely see him again tonight. Yet, he’s reluctant to leave.

"I really missed you, Lixie, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. I truly am," he whispers. "Would you mind talking about it again when you're feeling better, please?" 

Felix looks at him for a long moment. Seeing him appear so abruptly this morning rekindled everything he thought he'd buried deep in his heart. The feelings. The longing. The urge to touch him, to curl up in his arms. He isn’t sure he'll survive a week so close to him, and yet he already knows he won’t be able to resist him. Hyunjin’s as essential to him as the air he breathes, and that hasn't changed despite the distance. He thought he was cured. He isn’t. 

Why resist? Too bad. He already knows he can’t. He nods.

"Okay, Jinnie. We'll talk about it later."

⋆˚☆˖°⋆｡° ✮˖ ࣪ ⊹⋆.˚

Back at his parents' house, Chan settles down by the pool, where the members of his group are already gathered, except for Hyunjin, who stayed next door.

"So, Channie-hyung, were they making out like crazy? Did you find them in bed?" Han asks, just before wincing when Minho playfully slaps him on the arm.

"It couldn't have happened that fast, you idiot," retorts the group's main dancer. "Chan found them fully clothed, but they probably arranged to meet up tonight and consummate their union." 

Han laughs heartily, while Chan rolls his eyes. What a bunch of little menaces.

"No, they weren't doing either of those things, but I heard them raising their voices," the leader explains. "Well, Felix was raising his voice. I think Hyunjin was crying a little, but my neighbor was definitely in tears, and very angry." 

Changbin sighs.

"I love Hyunjin with all my heart, but he's definitely stupid, I have to admit," he says. "He told me everything about Felix. I'm not going to spill his secrets, but I'm one hundred percent certain he's just as in love with that boy as Han is with Minho." 

Han's face turns crimson, and he buries his face in his hands amidst his friends' laughter, while Minho gets up, intent on throwing Changbin into the pool.

"Ugh," I.N. whines. "Too many couples around me. I hope it's not contagious; I'm too young to settle down."

"Who would want you?" Seungmin retorts, before jumping up to run around the pool with Changbin and Minho, both laughing. 

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you. I'm going to adopt a seventh child, a very nice, very sensible, well-behaved one, and it will become my favorite," Chan threatens, collapsing onto a lounge chair and holding out his arms to welcome his beloved dog. Berry licks his face enthusiastically, delighted to have found her daddy again.

“I’m absolutely certain Hyunjin loves Felix,” Changbin declares again, having taken refuge at Chan’s feet to escape Minho, who clenches his fist in his direction before sitting back down next to Han, one arm thrown over his shoulder.

“I believe you, Binnie,” Chan sighs. “But he only has six days to tell him. That’s not much time. And then, when we’re gone, what about the distance? The work agenda? The contract restrictions? I’m worried about him.” 

Just then, Hyunjin appears on the terrace. Changbin blushes. Has his friend heard everything he’s said? His question must have been written all over his face, because Hyunjin raises his eyebrows in his direction. But he says nothing, simply collapsing onto the grass a little further away, legs in the sun and torso in the shade. He's exhausted, his hand throbs and all he wants is a nap, but his mind is full of what Felix said, and he already knows he won't be able to sleep.

"Are you okay, Jinnie?" Changbin asks, always the first to rush to his aid. "You look shaken."

"I'm fine, Binnie-hyung," the boy mumbles. "I just need to think for a bit. In peace and quiet," he adds, emphasizing the words "peace and quiet." 

As if his unsubtle message would be enough to silence his companions.

Han goes to lie down next to him, his back in the grass. He taps softly on his cast.

"You know, Jinnie, if you're in love, you can tell us. We know how to keep secrets. Look, apart from you here, nobody knows about Minho and me. Although I regret telling Binnie, who's just a little shit since he knows."

"Yah!" Changbin exclaims. “No, I’m not!”

Hyunjin remains silent, lost in thought. His friends, sensing his need for solitude, decide to leave him alone for the time being.

But they won't hesitate to scold him if he even hints at making the wrong decision.

⋆˚☆˖°⋆｡° ✮˖ ࣪ ⊹⋆.˚

When Felix arrives at his neighbors' house, at evening, he's carrying a big bag of chips, but also a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine for Chan's parents. Jessica Bahng knows him well. He's not the type to show up empty-handed if he's invited somewhere.

He ate nothing today. He couldn’t. But he slept, woke up in disbelief, slept again. He changed his clothes after his last nap, just before walking to the Bahngs’. He put on denim shorts and a blue tank top, a much more conservative style than the one he wore last night. His hair is now tied back in a bun, and he's barefoot. It's too hot tonight for more clothes.

He feels a little intimidated as he arrives on the Bahngs' terrace. Even though they're still young artists, Stray Kids are already world-famous. What will they think of him? What will he possibly talk to them about?

Chan gets up to greet him.

"Mate, I'm glad you came!" he exclaims, before leading the young man towards the pool, around which the group members are lounging. Felix immediately spots Hyunjin, sitting a little apart with Berry on his lap.

"That's Lee Know, our main dancer. This is Changbin. With Han and myself, we three are 3RACHA, and we produce all our music, arrange it and everything. And over there are Seungmin and I.N, our main vocalists."

He turns.

“And you already know our Jinnie, leader of PABORACHA”, he adds. 

Felix can't help but laugh. It's so typical of his Jinnie. But his laughter fades when he catches the eye of his former best friend. The tension between them is still palpable, and he shivers, hoping not to make the others uncomfortable with it.

"I'm glad to meet you all. I really like your music; I often dance to your tracks at the academy," says Felix. The conversation starts immediately.

"You dance? Wow, that's so cool! Do you guys do choreography or just copy ours?" asks Han, forcing Felix to share his lounge chair.

"Both. We copy you and we make up our own too, it depends," explains the blond.

"You really have an amazing voice," interrupts I.N, fascination on his face. "It's incredible how deep it is. You wouldn't expect that, given how pretty you are." 

Felix blushes furiously. He's used to people talking about his voice, but a compliment coming from one of the singers of Stray Kids hits differently.

"Thank you so much," Felix mumbles, a little embarrassed.

"Do you sing?" Changbin inquires curiously, also captivated by the boy's deep voice.

"I sang in a choir, but it was a long time ago," Felix replies, increasingly embarrassed to be the center of attention.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin keeps his eyes fixed on him. Felix doesn't know how to interpret his piercing gaze. Suddenly, he speaks up.

"Felix sings like a pro," he blurts out. "We used to sing our favorite songs together sometimes when we were younger. His voice is really amazing." 

There is a moment of awkward silence, but Chan’s already standing up and holding out his hand to Felix.

"I have a game room in the basement, with karaoke," he announces, beaming. "Want to play?" "Come back up in an hour, the barbecue will be ready," Jack Bahng shouts to them, watching them rush towards the house, hands on his hips. "These kids," he sighs, pleased to see his house so lively.

Hyunjin silently observes Felix, sitting in a corner of the room. Earlier, when he hugged him after catching him on the threshold of his room, he didn't really think about it, but now it's been on his mind.

Her disheveled clothes.

The smell of his body—not the scent of his usual vanilla soap, but the heavy, rancid odor of alcohol and a night of sex. The smell of unfamiliar saliva still clinging to his skin, of lubricant, of musks that aren't his.

And then that bite and that hickey, now hidden beneath the fabric of his baby blue t-shirt.

Felix has built a life for himself here, a life completely different from the one they shared in Korea. There, Felix lived discreetly. The only people who knew about his sexual orientation were Hyunjin and his family. Here, it's obvious. He doesn't hide. He's freer. Australia doesn't stigmatize homosexuals the way Korea does.

But his bright, sunny Felix is ​​no longer there. What he saw earlier was a young man who was free, but sad. Empty.

He seems to perk up a little when Chan pushes a microphone into his hands. He's always loved to sing, even though he thought his voice wasn't pleasant to listen to because of its deep timbre.

"I'm too...unmasculine-looking for a voice like mine," he used to complain when he and Hyunjin discussed it. But it never bothered the dancer. On the contrary, the contrast between the two only made his voice more interesting.

But Felix had always doubted himself. Confident, sunny, empathetic to others, and always, always honest and sincere only with Hyunjin. Why had he never noticed before what a treasure that trust was? Why does he only understand now how precious it was? By becoming a trainee, he drifted away from his childhood friend. He also deprived the only person who needed him, truly needed him, of his shoulder to lean on. If only he had made more of an effort to maintain contact. He could have called more often. Written between appointments, or in the evening, before going to sleep. But he became completely absorbed in what he was doing without noticing what he was doing to Felix.

His mother told him, but he only understands now. “When you left, it hurt him.” He hadn't understood. He felt offended. He had the right to live his dream to the fullest. Yes, he had that right, of course, and he's certain Felix doesn't hold it against him. But he abandoned Felix. And Felix isn't the same anymore. Earlier, he overheard his bandmates. He heard them talking about feelings. About love. But that's not it, is it? He failed his friend. His friendship with Felix was more than just love, and he didn't take care to nurture and protect what he had. That's how they ended up like this. But… the hickey, the bite, the smell of sex on his skin… If he only feels friendship… why, why does it hurt so much?

“Wow, Felix, your voice is incredible!” Han exclaims when Felix stops singing after a verse. “I really want to hear you sing one of our songs!” 

Felix blushes beautifully. Hyunjin watchses with fascination as the pink highlights his freckles.

“Han, get the lyrics for ‘God’s Menu’ ready; I want to hear him sing my part,” Chan suddenly asks, his eyes shining.

The two producers bustl about, checking their phones. Felix feels a little intimidated by their compliments. They are established artists, after all. At first, it was a bit strange to find them at Chan's house, but they quickly put him at ease. None of them acts like a star. Quite the opposite. They make the same kind of corny jokes as his college friends. He really liksd their youngest member, whom he finds adorable, or Seungmin and his dry humor. Singing with them doesn't bother him because he figures they’ll forget about him quickly after the evening anyway.

Only Hyunjin’s persistent stare makes him a little uncomfortable. They haven't quite finished talking yet. But that will come later.

Han shoves a phone under his nose while Changbin fiddles with the karaoke cables. Chan explains what he wants, and suddenly he finds himself singing "cooking like a chef, like a five-star Michelin," and as soon as he stops, a heavy silence falls over the game room. After a few seconds of this thick silence, embarrassed by the stares, Felix pushes the microphone into Chan's hands, mumbling apologies.

But Hyunjin understands what his friends are thinking. He knows them well now. He can read their emotions on their faces. They're always together; it would be hard not to know that at this precise moment, they're imagining Felix's exceptional voice on the music for their next album.

The implications are so enormous that his head is spinning. Can they really do this? Would everyone agree? And what about Felix? He'd have to give up his studies. His new life in Australia. Being with his family. Go back to Korea, go through the obligatory training for all trainees: dance lessons, singing lessons, media training, and so on. Would he sacrifice everything to change his life? 

He'd be with him. All the time. In the same dorm.

“Dinner's ready, boys!” Jack Bhang suddenly calls, poking his head in the doorway. 

Felix is ​​the first to climb the stairs, visibly relieved to escape the tension that has settled in the room. Hyunjin follows closely behind. Drawn like a magnet. Tonight, they have to finish their talk; he has make peace with his Felix.

Felix and Hyunjin are sitting next to each other at the table, Felix still not understanding how this could have happened. Felix is ​​starting to wonder if he did the right thing by saying everything that was on his mind earlier in his room. He feels embarrassed now. What good did it do, in the end? All he's achieved is making Hyunjin miserable. That wasn't his goal. It doesn't help anyone. They won't see each other again after these few days. He could have kept it together, swallowed his anger. Enjoyed his friend's company. So he sits quietly beside him. He doesn't dare laugh too loudly. He doesn't drink too much, preferring to avoid loosening his tongue with alcohol. He's with the Stray Kids; he doesn't want to make a fool of himself. He still doesn’t know what happened with Hyunjin’s arm.

“What are you planning to do after your studies, Lixie? There’s still a year left, right?” Minho asks, placing a piece of meat on his plate.

“Yes, one more year and I’ll have my degree, but I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I have to try and find an internship this year, we’ll see. I could add another year if I really don’t have any ideas by then, get a higher degree…”

“Have you ever thought about making a career out of your voice? Or becoming a model?”

Seungmin is the most serious-looking of them all, so Felix knows he's not making fun of him, not flattering him. He smiles kindly and shakes his head.

“I don't have what it takes for either,” he says. “I'm too short for modeling, and my voice doesn't match my appearance, so there's no point. It doesn't fit the standards.”

“Pfft, standards? If we tried to conform to them, we wouldn't be ourselves,” Chan retorts. “Believe me, even if they try to pigeonhole us, we won't let them. We're proud to be unique. And short. Except for Jinnie.” 

Laughter ripples around the table. Their height is a source of jokes in the industry, but they play along and have learned not to worry about what others say.

“I’d really like to record you,” the producer suddenly adds. “I truly believe your voice could make a difference in the industry. Would you mind letting me play with it this week? It would help me relax during my vacation.” Felix raises his eyebrows in disbelief. “Working really relaxes you?”

“Working will always be my favorite thing in the world, and with your voice, it’ll be even better. Would you mind?” Felix considers him silently for a few seconds. Perhaps if he and Chan lock themselves in some room for this, he’ll have less time to dwell on everything that’s wrong in his relationship with Hyunjin, until they leave and drift apart again. So he agrees with a nod. What could the consequences be, after all?

“Okay, why not. But I have plans this week, I won't be able to give you all my time.”

“No problem, thanks, you'll see, we'll have a great time.” Felix is ​​a little hesitant, but he's promised himself he'll enjoy life. Surely this can be part of it, right?

So he enjoys the rest of the meal, getting to know the other members of the group by exchanging jokes and anecdotes, trying not to pay too much attention to the intense gaze Hyunjin is giving him.

The evening drags on, but Felix doesn't mind. He finally agrees to drink a little more and gradually relaxes. It's easy to get along with this group of people. None of them act haughty because he's famous. They include him in the conversation, exchanging jokes with him as if they've known him for years. It's natural and pleasant. Right after eating an ice cream, he thinks to himself that this meal with them was more enjoyable than the parties he usually attends. 

He hasn't really made any close friends since moving. He has acquaintances, people he gets along with. He calls them his friends. But what he's really been looking for are people to forget with. People to take him to an anonymous room, to make him think about something else for the duration of a satisfying sexual encounter. He's found plenty of them. A lot. He's a pretty guy, he knows it. His body is slim, supple, with well-placed curves. His androgynous face attracts dominant males who quickly suggest finding a more discreet place to end the night. Up until now, this had satisfied him. It gave him the impression of having overcome his grief. And finally, tonight, he realizes that what he truly desires are real relationships with people.

"You look sad," Hyunjin suddenly murmurs, close to him. When did he lean over? Felix turns his head and blushes when he realizes how close the singer is.

"I'm having fun. I'm not sad."

"You're lying." Felix frowns, displeased that Hyunjin can still read him so easily.

"Why would I lie? I'm having a great time. Honestly. Your bandmate are really cool. You seem like a real family. It shows." 

Hyunjin wants to tell him that he could be part of that family. He could warn him that Chan is going to propose it; he is already certain of it. After all, they are supposed to be eight. Chan has been looking for their eighth member ever since their bandmate Woojin left. But it’s still too soon for Felix to hear those words. Hyunjin isn't going to get involved; he’s going to let Channie-hyung handle convincing Felix to join them. He's far too afraid of pushing him away if he gets involved.

Finally, the dinner ends without Felix and Hyunjin finding a quiet moment to talk. Felix seems to have softened towards him. He even asks how he got hurt and sympathizes with his pain and the difficulties it’s causing during rehearsals. Felix seems to be finally enjoying himself, despite his slightly sad expression, and Hyunjin doesn't want to deprive him of his new friends. But when Felix gets up to help clear the table, and Jack and Jessica stop him by taking the stack of plates from his hands, Hyunjin places his good hand on his shoulder.

"Can I walk you home?" 

Felix freezes and looks up at him. He hasn’t drunk enough for things to get out of hand, he tells himself. And he doesn't really want to be alone. He nods.

“I’ll be waiting for you tomorrow afternoon, Lixie,” Chan interjects when he notices the young man is about to leave. “You’ll meet me here, won’t you? You won’t forget?”

The blond man chuckles softly.

"Yes, I promised, Chris. I'll be there around two o'clock. I'd like to enjoy the beach a little later, though. I'm in the mood for a swim." 

Chan pretend not to understand that Felix’s telling him he won't be staying for dinner this time. His eyes widens.

"Bondi Beach? Or Manly Beach? That's such a great ide!a Can we tag along after our session? Would you be okay with that? The others have never been to Sydney; they'll love the beach."

His puppy eyes are a killer weapon. Felix looks away, but it's too late.

"Okay, fine, we'll go together. They can't leave Sydney without visiting Bondi Beach, after all."

“It’s a date, then”, tells Chan with a wink. “Have a good night, mate!”

When Hyunjin and Felix leave the house, Felix sighs.

“I think I’ve been tricked; he’s good, very good,” he says. 

Hyunjin laughs. He wants to put his arm around Felix’s shoulder but doesn’t dare, even though the tension between them has melted away. He doesn’t feel free to act like he used to.

“How do you think he convinced JYP to let him choose the Stray Kids members himself? He’s been a trainee since he was thirteen. He charmed them like that, I’m sure of it.” 

The walk to Felix’s door isn’t long at all. They arrive in no time. But instead of going up the steps and disappearing, Felix heads toward the back of the house, toward the garden. Hyunjin follows him silently. The garden layout is pretty much the same as Chan’s parents’ house, but the pool seems a little smaller, and the tiles are laid differently. Felix walks past the terrace, around the pool, and heads toward the far end of the grassy area. There, he sits down on a wooden bench his father had placed under a tree a few weeks earlier. Hyunjin sits down next to him, his heart pounding.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper earlier,” the blond begins without looking at him. “I shouldn’t have. It’s in the past. You have the right to be angry that I left without saying anything. I acted impulsively. It wasn’t nice to you.” 

At these words, Hyunjin’s heart breaks a little in his chest.

“You don’t need to apologize,” he says in turn. “It was me who should have apologized. I didn’t realize how distant I’d become by accepting JYP’s offer. I was so busy, I didn’t have time to text or call you. I should have called more. Text more. Of course you felt like I was drifting away.”

 The boy pauses.

“But, Felix,” he sighs, “what I said that day… about our… practices… I didn’t mean it, I swear. I really didn’t mean to hurt you, it wasn’t like that.”

Felix doesn't look at him. He keeps his eyes fixed on the white walls of his house, on the other side of the garden.

“It’s not important anymore,” he finally replies. “Time has passed. Our lives have drifted apart, that’s normal. I’m glad to have seen you again, and to have had the chance to meet Stray Kids. At the end of the week, we can part as good friends this time.”

There’s something infinitely sad and far too final in Felix’s tone. Hyunjin frowns, ready to reply, but Felix seems to have finished the conversation. He stands up and turnsd to the singer.

“I’m going to sleep now. I had a good evening. You should go back to the others.” 

Hyunjin doesn’t want to. He wants to walk Felix to his room, to slip under the same sheets as him. Just like before.

He pouts.

“Already?”

“It’s late, and I didn’t sleep last night. I need to catch up on some sleep,” Felix replies calmly, crossing the garden, Hyunjin close behind him.

Hyunjin easily catches up to him; his legs are longer. He remains silent until they reach the front door of the house. There, without turning around, without giving Hyunjin a chance to find his words, to understand what he's feeling, Felix pushes the door open.

"Good night, Jinnie," he murmurs before going inside and gently closing the door. Hyunjin leans forward until his forehead rests on the wood.

"Good night, baby," he breathes.

Chapter Text

Felix is ​​sitting cross-legged facing him. He's wearing his sweatshirt with the StrayKids logo on the front, the one he gave him that fateful day. And that's all. He only wears this. Hyunjin knows it because he's been sitting in his desk chair ever since Felix showered and stepped out of the bathroom, putting on the sweatshirt. Hyunjin had time to see everything before the black ribbing fell to the top of his thighs, concealing… what needed concealing.

What surprises Hyunjin is the  physical desire he feels. Maybe it’s memories from the past. Maybe his body remembers what they did. The practices, but it was never only that, he knows it, now. Felix was his best friend, and he loved him dearly, as the most important person in his life. Right? Right?

But Hyunjin wants to climb onto the bed, push Felix onto it. He can keep his sweater on; the singer doesn't mind. He'll just push the fabric up, that's all. He plans to force Felix to spread his legs to get access to his hole. He doesn't know where the lube is, but his saliva will do. He needs to touch him, to prove him it was much more than practice. He doen’t really understand why, or what, but it’s a need. A real, urging need.

Then Hyunjin gets up. Climbs onto the bed, and Felix, his eyes wide and warm, lets himself be pushed back without protest, much to Hyunjin’s delight.. His small hands rest on the edge of his sweater and slowly pull it up without Hyunjin even having to tell him to. Saliva gathers in the singer's mouth at the sight of his childhood friend's erect penis, and his smooth balls over which he runs a curious finger. He never touched his balls. He fucked him with his fingers, he gave him head, but he didn’t touch his balls. Felix must have shaved in the shower; his skin is smooth, soft, and warm. He’s cute even down there. Prettily pink and velvety. 

"Spread your legs wider, Lixie, I'm going to make you feel really good," Hyunjin demands, pushing the blond's knees to the side. "You won’t need other people to be fucked starting today. Now, I'm here, and I'll take care of giving you pleasure whenever you want it. You'll see."

With that, Felix arches his back, and Hyunjin encircles the base of his cock with his fingers before leaning down to put his mouth on it. Felix's deep moans quickly go to his head. He’s so turned on right now. Hyunjin collects the saliva that slides from his mouth to Felix's shaft with his fingers and uses it to moisten the pink skin of his rim before slowly sliding his index finger inside. Felix tenses and places his hand on his shoulder to shake him, probably to make him go deeper or insert a second finger alongside the first. Hyunjin is willing to comply. Whatever Felix wants, Felix’ll get.

"Hyunjin, Hyunjin," he moans, growing louder and louder. "Hyunjin, stop, wake up, please, you're drooling!"

Yes, Hyunjin is drooling, he knows, but that’s because he needs more moisture for his fingers to go deeper.

"Damn it, Jinnie, are you done drooling on my pillow yet?"

Hyunjin suddenly opens his eyes and freezes. Lying across his stomach in the bed he shares with Changbin, his head rests on his friend's pillow. The dampness under his cheek leaves no doubt: he's been drooling for quite some time. 

"Fuck," he murmurs, slowly sitting up. "Sorry, Binnie, I'll wash the sheets, I promise." 

Felix isn't there. Hyunjin has been dreaming. He's dreamt so intensely that he sports a fucking boner. A few more frictions on the mattress and he would have had a –really– wet dream, like a horny teenager.

For Felix. Because of Felix. What the fuck.

"Are you okay?" Changbin asks, pushing his pillow away with a disgusted look. "You were super restless for a bit and started drooling and whimpering. Are you in pain somewhere? Should we go see a doctor?" 

Embarrassed, Hyunjin shakes his head and adjusts the blanket to cover the area where his boner strains against the fabric of his shorts. He knows he’s crimson red but maybe Changbin will think it’s because he just woke up.

“It’s okay, I dreamt I ate something that I couldn’t digest, my stomach hurt, but it’s okay now,” he makes up, hoping to convince his friend, who raises a dubious eyebrow but has the good grace not to press the matter.

“It’s time to get up anyway and go to the gym. Chan gave me an address. He’s staying there, Felix will join him in… an hour,” Changbin explains, checking his phone. 

At these words, Hyunjin blushes even more. He can't meet Felix right now. Not after dreaming about sucking and fingering him. Not after nearly cumming in his leader's fucking sister's bed from rubbing his cock against the mattress. Not after nearly climaxing in his sleep while one of his bandmates tried to wake him up to stop him from drooling all over his pillow.

Disgusting. He’s disgusting.

"I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll wash the sheets. I'll join you later," he says before disappearing into the bathroom, shoving some clean clothes in front of his pelvis to cover himself.

A little later, one of their managers picks up the duo and I.N. to take them to the gym. The managers are staying in a nearby hotel and also enjoying Australia while the group remains at Chan's parents' house, giving them some privacy but still being available whenever they want to go out. They always carry NDAs, ready to have them signed if necessary, to protect the members' reputations. They also arrange for the gym to be reserved exclusively for them for two hours to ensure they wouldn't be filmed or photographed without permission.

The remaining members laze around the pool, coffees or juices in hand. It's already late, but after the previous night's revelry and the fatigue of the concert, they're making the most of their vacation and, for once, their sleep. When Felix arrives, looking a little shy, they greet him with smiles, hugs, and jokes, hoping to put him at ease. Han and Minho would have thought Hyunjin would make himself available, but he was the first to climb into their manager's car. 

Felix looks around, as if searching for something. Or someone.

"The others have gone to the gym," Minho explains. "We look good just the way we do, we can stay here and enjoy our vacation. No need for more muscles right now." 

Felix laughs at his joke, trying not to show his slight disappointment. Yesterday, he'd had the impression that Hyunjin was desperate to become his friend again. Felix probably misinterpreted things. Why would Hyunjin need him? Why would the singer want to stay with Felix? He's on vacation. He surely wants to enjoy his stay. Felix is ​​just an unexpected detail in his plans. So when Chan leads him to his room, with the others on their heels, he decides to focus on their project of "playing with his voice" without thinking about his former best friend anymore.

.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆*ੈ✩‧₊˚

Chan’s room becomes their studio. 

"Do you always carry all this equipment with you?" Felix asks curiously, fiddling with a cable.

"We sometimes get inspired in unexpected places; I've learned to be prepared for anything," the leader replies with a kind smile. "I hope you enjoy recording. You'll see, we have more fun than we work, actually, even though we know how to be serious too. I intend to take Stray Kids very, very high. If possible, to the top."

With the equipment he always carries with him, it's easy to organize a recording session. Felix watches his movements with curiosity, while the Kids sing snippets from their discography, exchanging jokes. Felix repeats the lyrics Chan tells him two or three times. Initially very nervous, he eventually relaxes, carried away by the warm atmosphere in the makeshift studio.

“Cookin' like a chef I'm a 5 star 미슐랭

"미"의 정점을 찍고 눈에 보여 illusion…”

A bit later, when Chan closes his laptop and announces it’s finished for the day, they go back to the garden.

“You’re doing really well, you have perfect control of your voice, it’s impressive,” Chan compliments him. “I’ll work on the track a bit more tonight, after the beach, and I’ll play it for you soon.” 

Felix blushes. He doesn’t think he’s that talented. It’s just that his voice is unusual, rather deep for a Korean man, especially with a face like his. Chan is undoubtedly excited by the novelty, but he’ll soon realize, while working on the arrangement of the track, that Felix is ​​anything but a professional. He can play pretend, but at the end of the day, he’s only some really normal human being graced with a deep voice. Nothing more.

“What are you doing tomorrow? I’d love to see you again,” Han interjects, settling down next to Felix on the lounge chair he’s occupying. “You’re the best surprise of this vacation, I like you a lot, and what’s more, we’re practically twins, I heard you’re only one day younger than me!” 

Felix’s face breaks into a happy smile. Han is so nice. It’s really easy to get along with him.

“I like you too, Han Jisung. I don’t feel like I’m talking to a big star. More like a tiny and cute little star.”

“Hey! You’re not taller than me, you know?” laughs Han while putting Felix in a headlock. “And I’m your hyung, talk to me with respect, little boy!”

“What do you mean, you’re only one day older than me!”

Laughter fills the garden. The conversation flows easily. Felix, much more at ease than when he arrived, realizes again that he feels closer to these people than to the friends he made in Australia. They are so open. So welcoming. Not at all haughty, despite their celebrity. It’s easy to forget they sell albums and people cry at their concert.

“Hey, guys, we’re back, and we’ve got some snacks,” Changbin suddenly announces, entering the garden with plastic bags in hand.

“Perfect, we’ll eat and then go to the beach, guys,” Chan replies, getting up to take the bags of food from Changbin and put them on the coffee table. “Felix, you’ll come in the car with us. The managers are picking us up in an hour, which gives us time to grab a bite and pack our things.”

Felix opens his mouth in protest; he wants to be free to move around, free to run away if necessary, but Chan is already busy serving his group and has stopped listening. Felix is doomed. 

The blond sighs and accepts a cup of noodles and some disposable chopsticks. Deep down, he doesn't really want to leave them, but Hyunjin… Hyunjin is there, now, and he doesn’t talk to him at all, and it's complicated, despite what he told him the day before. It's still so difficult for him to be around him. He does his best to not acknowledge his feelings, but with little to no success. And he absolutely can’t show them to the singer. Not when he’ll leave again at the end of the week. Not now that they've grown so far apart.

Not when he knows there is still no chance that his feelings are reciprocated.

He wasn't lying yesterday; he's not really angry with him anymore. Talking to him did him good. Listening to him helped a little. But he's having trouble controlling the feelings he thought were buried deep enough to remain hidden.

They really aren't.

Felix goes home to pack his things and clear his head. Hyunjin has barely spoken to him since he got back from the gym. He avoids his gaze, and Felix starts to wonder if he did something wrong, if he upset him yesterday. Part of him wants to demand an explanation, but then his sensible side kicks in. Anyway, by the end of the week, they'll be separated again. And probably for good this time, so what's the point?

Felix blushes under the manager's gaze as he holds the door of the car that had come to pick them up open. He isn't used to people doing this for him. The black minivan with tinted windows picks them all up and takes them to their destination. The little trip to the beach that Felix imagined is clearly taking on new proportions: they land near a dock, are pushed into motorboats and taken further out on the water, on a small, immaculate white yacht in front of which the blond man opens his eyes wide.

“We wouldn’t have had any peace and quiet staying on the beach,” Chan apologizes as everyone climbs onto the deck, including two managers dressed in black who quickly slip away to the other side of the boat to let them enjoy their outing in peace. “This way, we can swim without having to worry about anyone else. Apparently, we’re famous enough to need this kind of thing now,” adds the band’s leader, looking sheepish. 

Felix nods. What can he say? He doesn’t know anything about their daily lives, after all. Cheers erupt around him. The Kids look so happy that Felix can’t help but smile too. 

The contented look and happy smile that Chan gives his bandmates touches Felix.

"Okay, I'll force myself to enjoy the luxury of this boat instead of hanging around on the sand like normal people," the young man jokes, shaking his head.

“I loved going to Bondi Beach with my family,” Chan says, setting his bag down on a bench. “I would have loved to show everyone around, but I don’t want to put anyone in danger.”

“You’re celebrities, it’s best to be careful,” Felix adds.

He doesn’t really know, but he can sympathize.

“Besides, sand or no sand, the important thing is the water! I’m going for a swim, who’s coming with me?” 

Everyone is getting ready to jump in, except for Minho. He calmly spreads a towel on the lounge chair and sits cross-legged, his hat firmly planted on his head, sunglasses perched on his nose.

"I'll wait for you here", he announces seriously.

"Leave him alone, Lix, Minho's a cat, he's afraid of water," Hyunjin says suddenly, standing next to him. Felix hadn't noticed. He turns to the young man.

"Hi, Lixie," Hyunjin murmurs, managing to sound a little embarrassed. After all, it took him over an hour to come and talk to him.

"Hyunjin," Felix replies, a bit coolly. 

He doesn't intend to let himself be played hot and cold like this and pretend everything is fine between them. Hyunjin raises a hand and squeezes his forearm softly, before letting it fall.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t really know how to act around you today. You told me to put the past behind me last night, but I don’t feel like it’s working for me,” he explains.

It’s not entirely a lie. Of course, the reason he ran away from home in the first place was his dirty dream about Felix, but while he was lifting weights, he reflected and convinced himself that he needed to talk to his friend. Again. Get an explanation. Give explanations. Because he doesn’t want to lose him again, not even by the end of the week.

Felix's kind nature quickly resurfaces. Just like before, he can't stay angry with Hyunjin when the latter gives him puppy eyes. This doesn't mean everything is settled, but for now, he's not going to pollute Stray Kids' precious rest time with his disarray. He may not know anything about their daily lives as celebrities, but he knows how busy their schedule is. He witnessed it firsthand when he lost Hyunjin to this ultra-busy routine.

"Come on, let’s jump into the water," he says, slipping off his t-shirt. 

And if Hyunjin has trouble taking his eyes off his golden, freckled body, no one needs to know. He hasn't seen Felix in a long time, that's all. Nothing more. He had simply forgotten that he had always found Felix's small body harmonious and sexy. No big deal. He has more defined abs now, and more toned legs. He just has a dancer's body. And golden skin. Which looks so soft.

When Hyunjin first discovered female bodies after becoming a trainee, he sometimes thought that the softness of their skin couldn't compare to Felix's, even though Felix was a man. He remembered the caramel-scented body lotion bottles in his bathroom when Felix unpacked his toiletries when he slept over, and his special exfoliating glove. Felix always took care of himself; he always smelled good, his hands were always well-groomed, his nails clean. And even down there, Hyunjin was never disgusted by touching or caressing him. It wasn't disgusting with girls either, of course. On the contrary. It was just... different. The girls got very wet. At first, it was surprising and a little strange. He knew the theory. He had read books, watched movies. He knew he was supposed to appreciate them being wet, but he had a little trouble getting used to their bodily fluids, being accustomed only to male fluids and lubricant. It seemed... less clean than with Felix. He thought it was because with his friend, it was for practice. For learning. More clinical, with less feelings, educational. Seeing Felix, shirtless, in swim trunks on the deck of that boat, his blond hair tossed by the warm breeze, he wonders if all that mental gymnastics he'd done to justify touching another boy hadn't been created by his very own brain to justify a simple physical attraction to Felix. Maybe things were very simple, after all, and in reality, he really liked Felix. Just him. Even though he was the same gender. 

Perhaps if he accepted the "training sessions", if he found pleasure in them, if he wanted them, it is simply because he was never as straight as he thought he was.

Felix dives in first, quickly followed by Chan and then the others, while Hyunjin remains standing on the deck, dazed, as if he'd just been struck by lightning. Is that... is that why he had this dream last night? He's dreamed about Felix before. A lot. The episode where he gave him a blowjob for the first time has recurred several times in his dreams, but he attributed it to the novelty. But that wasn't it, ultimately.

"You okay, Jinnie?" Minho asks softly. "Do you want to sit next to me for a minute? You look like you've seen a ghost." The usually somewhat mocking and caustic tone of the DANCERACHA leader is very gentle. As if he understands. Hyunjin slumps down next to him on the lounge chair.

"Minho-hyung..." he begins. "How did you know..." 

He doesn't finish, but it doesn't matter. Minho knew this moment would come one day. He has a radar for it, and Hyunjin was never straight; he just had to wait for him to realize it himself. Gently, he takes his deongseng's hand.

"I always knew, but some people, like Hannie, for example, find out later," he explains. "There's no rule for it, you know. Some people only find out much later. Some people can't even imagine it could be different." 

Hyunjin lets a moment pass without answering, lost in thought. From the outside, he seems very calm, but it's a real cataclysm inside his mind. He replays all his interactions in his head. With Felix, especially with Felix, but also with his classmates, with his trainee friends. With his parents. God, his parents.

"My parents always told me that being gay wasn't a flaw and that they accepted everyone," he whispers. "They knew before I did; they said that so I'd know they wouldn't reject me..."

“Parents know a lot more about their kids than we think,” Minho agrees. “Mine knew too, and they never pushed me away because of it. For others, it’s more complicated. Ji’s parents are still in shock and finding it hard to talk to him, but they’ll get over it; they love Jisungie. They just need time.” The two boys remain motionless on the boat, lulled by the gentle rocking of the waves and the joyful shouts of their friends playing in the water.

“You were supposed to go swimming too, Hyunjinnie,” Minho whispers softly, squeezing his hand. “Enjoy what you have, and try to sort things out without rushing. You have time.”

“I don’t have time… We’ll be leaving so soon. I don’t know what to do…”

“First, go swimming, idiot. Felix is ​​waiting for you.” 

At these words, Hyunjin stands up and descends the few steps to the swimming platform. Felix sees him coming and waves in his direction. Changbin moves closer to splash him. The sunlight begins to soften, bathing the scene in a golden glow. The water droplets that erupts into the air sparkle like precious diamonds before disappearing into the deep blue waves. Hyunjin feels like he is seeing everything with new eyes, as if he had just been born.

"Come on, Jinnie, jump in!" He doesn't know whose voice is urging him on, but he obeys and plunges into the warm water. When he resurfaces, Felix is there, facing him, smiling gently.

They play in the waves like happy, carefree children as the sun slowly sets on the sea. Felix thinks back to the many times he came to the beach alone or with his family. It's very different this late afternoon. The laughter that escapes him is real. The joy he feels is real too. The Kids really succeed in making him feel comfortable and like he belongs with the group. And it frightens him, because it's temporary. By the end of the week, he'll be alone again.

And Hyunjin, who took an hour just to talk to him today, now acts totally different. He orbits around him. When Felix moves, he moves to the same direction. He feels the need to be close to him. At one point, they play at pushing each other under Chan's watchful eye, and Felix pulls him down with him. When they fall into the waves, Hyunjin's arms instinctively close around Felix, and he holds him close until they emerge from the water a few seconds later. When they surface, they're breathless, still too close, or perhaps not close enough. Felix looks up, pushing his blond hair away from his face, and his gaze meets Hyunjin's. They exchange a smile. A real, sincere one, the first since yesterday. The years seem to vanish for a brief moment. Heart pounding, a little euphoric, Hyunjin holds on tighter. He doesn't want to let go of Felix. 

The Kids exchange knowing glances. They haven't seen their friend so present in a long time. Felix has completely revealed Hyunjin’s true personality. He, who had always been more or less on the fringes of the group, lost in his own world, is now focused on the person of his old friend, listening to his laughter, which he seems to absorb like a balm on old wounds. 

Changbin splashes them amidst the laughter of their friends, and suddenly, Felix does something with his leg that propels them underwater again. Hyunjin swallows a mouthful of water, flailing his arms and instinctively releasing the blond.

"I win," Felix laughs, helping him up again.

"And what did you win?" Hyunjin asks, spitting out some water. 

A gentle smile plays on Felix's lips, but he says nothing more. Enchanted by his soft features illuminated by the evening sun, Hyunjin can only smile back, oblivious to his surroundings. There, his feet in the water, soaked with salt and warmed by the Australian sunset, Hyunjin realizes that one way or another, he will do everything in his power to never be separated from Felix again.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

This time, Felix refuses to join them at Chan's house for dinner. He has a dance rehearsal the next day, he has to go to the academy. He tells the boys he needs to sleep early. It’s the truth, but he's also afraid he's already become too attached to the Stray Kids members. If he spends the whole week following them around like a puppy, what will be left of him once they've left? So he forces himself to firmly refuse, citing extreme fatigue and his obligations for the next day. No attempt to convince him works. Hyunjin recognizes his legendary stubbornness and can't help but chuckle softly, but Felix doesn't notice. When he leaves the group to walk to his home despite the exaggerated lamentations of his new friends, it's with a heavy heart but a firm resolve not to give in. The next day, he won't see them. It’s for the best.

He's already been dancing for an hour with the other nine dancers oh the crew. Sweating profusely, he ties his hair back as the academy director pushes open the rehearsal room door, clapping his hands.

"Kids," he says, addressing the dancers who are taking a short break, stretching, or gulping down water, "I have a surprise for you." 

He steps aside. Two men enter the room. They are equipped with cameras. One points his lens at the dancers in the room, and the other at the door. Felix doesn't have time to wonder: a second later, the door opens again and the Stray Kids enter the room, single file, in order of age. Chan. Minho. Changbin. Hyunjin, then Han, Seungmin, and finally I.N. Smiling profusely, waving at them. The room erupts in applauses and stunned murmurs while the cameras films every reaction.

"I suppose I don't need to introduce Stray Kids to you?" 

The applause from his classmates is genuine, as are the murmurs of amazement. Some of the dancers went to their concert. They all danced to their first albums. They're excited and it shows.

Only Felix remains stunned and motionless. His gaze is fixed on Hyunjin's silhouette, on his gray sweatpants, his black t-shirt. Their eyes meet and his heart races immediately. He thought he was safe here. He thought he could have some time to think about everything, away from them, he thought he could keep a space all to himself. How will he be able to continue dancing here, without them, now that he's seen them in this room? He'll miss them even more. A sigh escapes him.

"Are you okay, Felix?" 

Alex leans over him, wrapping his arm around his neck. Although Felix rejected him the other night, he knows the blond will be up for a quickie if he asks nicely. That's Felix for you. Always willing to spread his legs. Always ready to be fucked into oblivion. Later, in the showers, maybe, or at his flat. But Felix pulls away, feeling Hyunjin's gaze upon him. He immediately berates himself. He has every right to be close to someone; after all, he owes him nothing. So he forces a smile at Alex.

"It's okay, I'm just surprised. I didn't expect to see them here," he says.

The director claps his hands to get his dancers' attention.

“When I learned that Stray Kids was going to have a concert in Sydney, I contacted JYP to invite them to our studio. Christopher, Bang Chan, is from Sydney, as you all know. They agreed, and we're going to show them one of our choreographies: the one we created for District 9. Everyone, get ready!” 

Felix's heart races as he gets into position. Opposite them, Stray Kids sit on the floor with their backs to the room's mirror. His gaze meets Chan's, who winks at him. He struggles to avoid looking at Hyunjin, afraid he won't be able to dance afterward. When the small film crew gives the signal, the director starts the music, and the crew launches into their routine. 

As always when he dances, Felix forgets his worries and devotes himself entirely to the sensations that dance awakens within him. He moves fluidly, executing the choreography without missing a single beat. The sound of their soles on the wooden floor blends with the rhythm of the bass, with the sounds of his mates heavy breathing. 

The music stops and the young people freeze before the group, breathless, elated to have performed in front of celebrities, who then begin to applaud enthusiastically.

“That was fantastic, guys,” Chan exclaims, jumping up to shake the dancers’ hands. “You created a masterpiece. The moves are so much better suited to this song than anything we did ourselves, I’m jealous!” 

The others also get up and join the team, handing out water bottles to the thirsty dancers. The cameras follow their interactions. Felix assumes there will be an episode posted on YouTube. For a moment, he’s tempted to ask not to be filmed, but he signed a release form for the use of his image when he joined the academy after the move.

“You look weird,” Alex whispers in his ear. 

Standing behind him, the boy throws his arm over his shoulder and holds him close. At that moment, Hyunjin approaches them, and Felix stiffens.

“You guys nailed it,” he says. “Well done.”

It's rather cold, and his gaze never leaves the spot where the dancer's arm is pressed against Felix's neck. Felix forces himself not to pull away from his colleague's embrace.

"Thanks, that's kind," Alex says. 

The two young men size each other up for a few seconds. Feeling uncomfortable, Felix decides to go to the restroom and apologizes. But Alex grabs his arm.

"Will you come to my place later, Lixie?" he calls out, tilting his head to the side.

“Sure”, Felix answers before fleeing the room.

Felix doesn't return until five minutes later. The Stray Kids then offer to teach them one of their choreographies, and the day's training session takes the form of a joyful gathering of artists determined to have fun rather than produce something polished. The group is naturally open and quickly puts the crew at ease. Even Felix eventually relaxes enough to do whatever he wants, just like everyone else. After three-quarters of an hour, the cameramen pack up their equipment, and the Stray Kids gather after shaking everyone's hands and thanking each person for having played with them.

“Felix, my mom wants you to join us for dinner later, will you come?” Chan calls out, his eyes full of hope.

The young man opens his mouth to agree, but Alex appears beside him and takes his wrist.

“You haven’t forgotten you said we’d see each other later, right?”

He disappears immediately, not giving him a chance to refuse. Felix shrugs and, sheepishly, apologizes to Chan.

“Sorry, I already have plans for tonight, I won’t be able to come,” he says. The disappointment he sees on the Stray Kids’ faces almost makes him change his mind, but he remembers that at the end of the week, when his daily life returns to normal, they won’t be there anymore, but Alex—and the others—will.

“But will you come by tomorrow afternoon, so we can work a bit on the project with your voice?” This time, Felix smiled at him and nodd. It isn't that he doesn't want to spend time with them at all. It’s just that he’s trying not to forget his place. Not to get too attached. Although he feels it’s already a little late for that.

Once the group has left, the crew members get back to work. They have a more serious rehearsal to conduct this time, and Felix threws himself into it completely. Like sex, losing himself in the dance helps him feel better. And it’s certainly healthier for him.

When the Kids arrive back at Chan’s house, they settle inside the house. It’s too hot to stay outside right now. Hyunjin takes a pill for his arm. Maybe he’s overdone it a bit earlier at the academy. Perhaps he wanted Felix to watch him dance. Perhaps he was motivated to do his best to earn his admiration. But now, his hand pulses with pain and he wants nothing more than to lay down until the medicine chases the pain away.

Changbin accompanies him, also seeking some respite from the heat. Seeing his roommate's troubled expression, he frowns.

"Is something wrong, Hyunnie? Can I help?" Hyunjin knows perfectly well that Changbin can listen to anything he has to say. Since his conversation with LeeKnow the day before, he hasn't really had a chance to talk to Binnie. Maybe he can offer some advice. Maybe he can help him untangle his confused feelings.

"I talked to Minho," Hyunjin begins. "I think I've figured some things out about myself."

He's intimidated. There's a big difference between understanding and expressing.

But Changbin knows how to listen to his confidences and reassure him. He's always considered Hyunjin like a little brother. So he sits on the edge of the mattress and smiles kindly at him.

"I think I can guess what you mean," he says. "Do you want to talk about it?" Hyunjin shakes his head.

"I think I'm pretty sure about this. I think... that I'm not the straight guy I thought I was."

Even though it's Changbin, whom knows inside and out, Hyunjin blushes under his friend's gaze. This revelation is quite something for him. But Changbin simply smiles.

"But I already knew that, Jinnie. I knew it as soon as you told me about your little adventures with Felix. But you had to find it out for yourself."

They remain silent for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. And then Hyunjin continues.

"I didn't like seeing Lixie with that other dancer. I... I don't want them to see each other, and there's nothing I can do to stop it." 

There it is, he's admitted it: Hyunjin is jealous. Changbin can't help but snort.

"Now, imagine how Lix must have felt the day you mentioned that girl while he was carrying a card with his confession written on it in his pocket," he says. "I'm glad you understand now. It was necessary. Now, if Felix has trouble opening up, you'll know why, and you won't be able to blame him. He needs time." Hyunjin frowns.

"I don't really have time. By the end of the week..."

"Yes, I know. But now you know where Felix is. It will be easier. If you really care about him, Jinnie, be understanding. And talk to him. It's important."

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Felix tries his best, but can't relax enough to enjoy the young man's caresses. He let him undress him, put his mouth on him, caress him, but the moment Alex tries to insert his lubricated finger, Felix tenses and jumps back.

"Sorry, Alex, I don't think I'm really in the mood," he says.

His partner frowns.

"What do you mean, not really in the mood? Are you kidding me?" 

The dancer's hand squeezes his leg a little too tightly, and Felix recoils further to escape his grip. His brows furrow. Alex has a bad temper, but until then, he's been polite to Felix.

"I changed my mind, that's all. You have a problem with consent?" 

Felix becomes aggressive. He doesn't like what's happening and starts to move to the edge of the bed, while Alex slowly masturbates, watching him darkly.

"No problem with consent, but you know what? I think your lack of consent is turning me on a little," he murmurs. 

Felix's eyes widen in disgust.

"Leave me alone. After something like that, you can forget about us sleeping together again. You're disturbed, I swear."

Luckily, Alex lets the blond get dressed without trying anything further, but Felix is ​​determined never to be alone with him again. When he finally gets home, it's still early. He sees the lights in the Bahng's dining room and is tempted to ring their doorbell to join the Stray Kids. He’s feeling a longing is so powerful it tightens his throat and his eyes well up with tears. 

But he resists. Spending the evening with them won't do him any good. In three days, they'll leave. And he'll stay here. He might as well start getting used to the idea of ​​not seeing them anymore.

The next day, Felix joins Chan to work on the song he's recording, "God's Menu." This time, he has him sing a verse. Or a pre-chorus, he’s not really sure.

Mwodeun geunyang jibeoneoheo

Nunchi boji malgo deo

Mangseoliji malgo bueo

Bibyeo bibyeo

The lyrics aren't complicated for him. He does his best to follow the instructions, all the while wondering why Chan is going to so much trouble to finalize a song he won't be able to use. What's the point of making Felix work on lyrics? Does he think "God's Menu" will never be released anyway, so why not try things out? The blond doesn't know, and doesn't ask. He's enjoying the moment, the distraction it provides from his daily routine. When they finish, Chan refuses to let him go home and asks him to spend the day with the band. They haven't planned anything special. The weather is a bit gloomy, and they just want to use this downtime to watch a movie. That's how Felix ends up between Hyunjin and I.N, on the sofa in the basement game room. They turn off the light and choose a movie on Netflix before collapsing onto the sofa or floor cushions, armed with various snacks, enjoying the cool air conditioning.

"Do you have enough room?" Hyunjin asks in Felix's ear. The blond shivers.

"Yes, yes, it's perfect." 

Felix’s a little breathless from Hyunjin's closeness, but he does his best to hide it. His motto remains denial, at least until he’s alone again. Then, he will allow himself a good cry. But not now.

"If you're cold, just tell me, I'll get you one of my sweaters," adds the singer, seemingly determined to drive Felix crazy.

"Okay," murmurs Felix, far too flustered to follow the plot.

Hyunjin is different today. More present. Closer. He hovers around him. After the movie, he helps him up by pulling on his hand and guides him to the refrigerator tucked away in the corner, its transparent door revealing a variety of cold drinks. Chan then suggests a game of pool, followed by a few races in Mario Kart. After a food delivery shared at the kitchen table, Berry starts to get restless.

"Oh, my little Berry, do you want to go for a walk?" Chan croons, unclipping the leash of the small dog, who stands on its little legs in excitement.

But then Chan's phone rings. He checks his screen.

"Damn, I have to take this call. Jinnie, would you mind walking her, please? Felix, go with him since he doesn't know the area, please. Yes, hello..." 

The blond doesn't have a chance to refuse. In an instant, Berry is harnessed and wagging her tail in front of them as they guide her along the sidewalk, under a sky heavy with rain but miraculously holding out.

"I don't understand what just happened," says Felix, "a minute ago I was finishing my apple pie and now I have a pack of poop bags in my pocket and my hair is curly from the humidity?" 

Hyunjin laughs heartily. He silently thanks Chan for giving him the opportunity to be alone with Felix for a little while. Suddenly, he stumbles. Felix catches him by the waist and takes the leash from his hands.

"I'll take Berry, it's not safe with your cast," he says. "Take the pack of poop bags instead," he adds, laughing.

They walk to the end of the street and turn left. Hyunjin would like to take Felix's other hand, but they're outside. Even though Australia is much more progressive than Korea, he's not sure it would be well-received. And besides, would Felix even be okay with him holding his hand? Hyunjin knows they need to talk. He needs to tell him things, to finally be completely honest with him.

When they enter a small fenced park, Berry wiggles with excitement and demands to have her leash removed. Felix, who has already accompanied the Bahngs on their walk, crouches down beside the little dog to free her and watches her dart off toward other dogs whose owners are strolling slowly along the paths around the green space.

"Come sit on a bench," Hyunjin says, taking his elbow. "We'll keep an eye on her from there." 

Felix doesn't protest. He collapses onto the wooden surface, and the silence lasts for maybe a minute before they both start talking at the same time.

They laugh, embarrassed. Felix nods to Hyunjin.

"Go ahead, it wasn't anything important." 

Hyunjin takes a deep breath to summon his courage.

"Okay. Felix... I wanted to apologize."

This isn't exactly what Felix expected. Stunned, he turns to Hyunjin and meets his sheepish gaze.

"I wanted to apologize. I realized how much I hurt you back in Korea. First, because I very clearly put you aside for my career. I should have made time to contact you more often. You meant so much to me that I took you for granted. That wasn't cool of me." 

Berry comes barking over to them, as if to tell them something. She rests her front paws against Felix's knees as he scratches her between the ears, and then she goes back to her friends who are digging holes in the ground.

"I didn't expect you to say that," he finally admits, his heart pounding. "I felt like you didn't really understand how it made me feel."

"It took me a while to understand, Lixie," the singer confesses. "It's recent. Very recent. And I'm ashamed, because it should have been obvious." 

Felix has a kind heart and feels lighter now that he knows Hyunjin has understood his earlier grief. He places a hand on his thigh and squeezes. When he wants to take back his hand, Hyunjin stops him by placing his own over it. A wave of heat washes over Felix.

"I also wanted to apologize for what I said when you came to my place that night."

There's no need for him to explain which night he's talking about.

"I found your card in the sweatshirt several days after your visit. After you left. I'm sorry, I didn't understand. I was insensitive, speaking to you the way I did."

It's the same apology he gave three days ago. Felix doesn't need to hear it again, especially since he's still very embarrassed by the naive and innocent words he wrote on that card.

"It's okay, Jinnie, you can't force yourself to..."

But Hyunjin interrupts him.

"It wasn't okay, Lix. I didn't understand your feelings. And I didn't realize that what I felt for you was more than just friendship. I didn't realize that I was in love with you too."

Hyunjin's face is flushed, his heart is racing, his hands are sweaty, but he remains motionless, one hand on top of the one Felix has placed on his thigh, his head turned toward his companion. His mouth is dry as if he hasn't had a drink in a long time. And he's afraid, because Felix isn't saying anything, isn't responding.

The blond's eyes are wide and his breath is coming in short gasps.

What? He must have misheard.

"You..." He swallows. "You're not gay. You never have been." 

Hyunjin lets out a sarcastic laugh.

"Yes, I used to think that too, and then I finally realized that I wouldn't have agreed to engage in overtly sexual activities with you if I weren't. Do you think all straight guys fantasize about fingering their best friend while giving him head?" 

Felix blushes furiously.

"You weren't fantasizing, you actually did it because..."

"...because I wanted to, Lix. I never would have touched you there if I only liked girls. I wouldn't have taken your penis in my mouth, damn it, if I wasn't attracted to your body!" 

He raises his voice, and an elderly couple passing on the path in front of them glares at them, tugging on their poodle's leash to move it away faster.

"Yes, I slept with two or three girls, because I thought I wanted to. I found it pretty cool and a little too wet at the same time. It wasn't really what I expected. It wasn't quite like what I experienced with you. With you, Felix, you understand?" 

Felix doesn't understand, because it contradicts everything he thought he knew. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Berry comes back to greet them, and he absently strokes her. The blood pounding in his ears drowns out the other sounds in the park.

"She wants to go home, look," Hyunjin says, pointing to the dog, who’s sniffing at the leash still in Felix's other hand.

It’s so mundane, so innocuous, that Felix feels like he’s waking from a dream. He bends down, fastens the harness, and stands up, followed by Hyunjin.

It isn't until they have left the park and started walking toward Chan's house that Felix speaks again.

"I find it hard to believe you, Jinnie."

Hyunjin frowns.

"What? I assure you I'm sincere. I swear it's true, Lix."

The singer speaks in a pleading tone. Felix has to believe him.

"I'm sorry, Jinnie. Thank you for trying to cheer me up, thank you for saying that, but you don't need to lie to me, you know. I've accepted reality by now." 

Hyunjin opens his mouth, but they're already at Chan's house, and Felix is ​​holding out the handle of Berry's leash. The dog is pulling to get inside.

"Don't worry, Jinnie, I promise. It felt good to hear you apologize. I'm happy to have found you again, and I'm truly sorry I left without giving you an address. I regret it. But I would like you not to lie to me. Please." 

Felix looks up at him. His gaze is calm, peaceful, and he smiles gently. He feels he can finally begin to grieve for his first love, now. If only Hyunjin could understand that he doesn't need to disguise reality. It's pointless.

Hyunjin searches for the right words, trying to convince Felix of his sincerity, all while holding back the dog, who's already on the first step of the stairs.

"Felix, I..." The blond man's phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and answers the call after checking the number on the screen.

"Sorry, Jinnie," he sighs. "Hello?" 

Hyunjin waits for his chance to explain, but Felix turns and takes a few steps away. When the singer hears him agree to something, he stops trying to find a way to convince Felix and listens to the conversation without any shame.

"That works for me, can you pick me up? Yes, okay, I can be ready in an hour and a half. Sounds good, see you later, Ben."

Who is Ben? Why is he coming to pick up Felix in an hour? He hangs up and turns to Hyunjin. 

"I'll leave you now. Berry wants to go back to Chan, look at her," he says, smiling. "I’ve something to do tonight, I won't be able to have dinner with you. Could you please tell Chan? Good night, Jinnie, I need to take a shower and get ready. See you tomorrow, probably." 

Felix waves goodbye and climbs the steps to his front door, leaving a dazed and bewildered Hyunjin on the sidewalk, torn between the urge to chase after him and the dog barking and pulling at her leash.

✦•┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈•✦

Felix feels a jittery feeling as he steps into the shower. Like with Alex, he isn't sure he really wants to have sex with Ben and his boyfriend tonight, but the two boys have invited him over, and he's jumped at the chance to escape. Staying with Hyunjin feels too complicated after what he's told him. Felix simply can't believe Hyunjin has told him the truth. How could he say that? How could he possibly expect Felix to believe he'd only just realized he’s gay after all this time?

Perhaps a good fuck with the couple will help him dispel the foolish hope those words have instilled in him. He'll let them do whatever they want to him. He's already been to their place, and they have a small collection of handcuffs and vibrators that will surely help him forget Hyunjin and his stupid excuses. Felix washes thoroughly, touches up his shave, and decides to get ready so he can get down to business as soon as he arrives at the boys' house.

Wrapped in a towel, he heads to his bed after locking his bedroom door. He takes his bottle of lube from his bedside table drawer, along with his favorite plug, the one with the blue diamond tip. Lying on his duvet, his fingers coated in lube, he carefully prepares himself for a few minutes, until he can insert the large toy into his hole. He cleans up any spilled lube, washes his hands, and opens his closet to choose his outfit. It doesn't happen very often, but tonight he wants to get down to business as quickly as possible. He wants to erase Hyunjin from his mind, and for that, he needs to be fucked fast, hard, and well. So he pulls out an item of clothing he rarely wears: his pleated red tartan skirt, which he bought a few weeks after his first time. The fabric falls to mid-thigh. It's long enough to go without underwear without risking indecent exposure. The mere touch of fabric against his private parts sends shivers of anticipation through him. He chooses a black crop top with worn edges, leaves his hair loose so the boys can pull on it, and slips on his Docs with knee-high socks, which he artfully bunches up around his calves.

He unlocks his bedroom door, now that he's decent again, before settling down at his desk with a mirror and his makeup. There's a good chance he'll cry during sex tonight, and it always looks better when he can ruin his kohl or mascara and end up looking completely disheveled.

He's applying the eyeliner to his waterline when he hears a small commotion. Probably his parents getting ready to go out, he thinks. Felix almost pokes his eye out with his pencil when the singer emerges in his space.

“Hyunjin? What are you…”

"Why are you doing this?" the singer whimpers, approaching.

Felix sniffs, frowning. Hyunjin has been drinking. They'd only parted an hour before. How many drinks has he downed to smell so strong?

The singer stands very close to Felix, invading his personal space. He leans forward and bumps his forehead against Felix's.

"Are you going to see him? This dancer? Are you going to sleep with him? Is that why you're wearing this?" 

Felix frowns.

"That's none of your business, Hyunjin, I do what I want”, he answers. "What's it to you?"

“Please, Felix”, whines the boy. “Please don’t”.

The blond frowns again and shakes his head in disbelief.

"Let me touch you, Lixie, my angel, I can give you pleasure. Don't go to him. Please."

Felix tries to push him away, but Hyunjin remains firmly in place.

"Why won't you let me make you feel good? I already have in the past, Lixie," he whimpers, raising a hand to place on Felix's cheek, which turns a deep red. 

"Stop it, Jinnie, you've been drinking, you wouldn't say that if you hadn't. What did you drink to be so affected? We only parted ways an hour ago."

"Yes, I would say it. I could shout it, Felix. Do you want me to shout it?" 

Hyunjin approaches the window as if he intends to open it. Felix is ​​starting to get annoyed. He has plans. He wants to forget about him for a few hours, damn it. Can't he see that?

"Go back to your girlfriend, Jinnie, that's enough now," he snaps caustically, only to regret it immediately.

It was vindictive. Pointless. The singer's eyes fill with tears and Felix grimaces; he's never been good at resisting someone's tears. He remembers Hyunjin as a child, then as a teenager, his reserved personality, his sensitivity, and his heart sinks.

"It's been months since I've touched anyone, because I was too unhappy without you, because it was too hard, because when you disappeared everything became dull and sad for me," Hyunjin murmurs, turning back to Felix.

The blond shakes his head, his voice softening.

"Hyunjin, you're not gay, you like girls, and that's okay," Felix replies, his voice gentler.

"Yes, I am. Maybe I am and I didn't know it before. Or bi. Maybe I'm just bi." 

He pauses and looks deep into Felix's eyes. Felix begins to tremble. Hyunjin sounds so serious. So convincing. Felix wants to be convinced.

"I want to touch you, Felix, like when we were teenagers. I don't want you to go see anyone else, please don't do this to me. Let me touch you," Hyunjin begs, moving closer. 

His breath brushes against Felix, but the smell of alcohol no longer bothers him. The singer places his hands on Felix, touches his arms, his waist, everywhere skin is visible, appetizing, soft. He leans down to smell the hollow of his neck, inhaling deeply the scent of vanilla and caramel warmed by the Australian sun. He wants the air in his lungs to smell of caramel. Like Felix. Intoxicated by the scent he has missed so much, he raises a hand to place it on the back of Felix's head, in the blond hair that slips like silk between his fingers, and tilts his head to make it easier to reach his throat. Felix no longer protests. He closes his eyes, breathing too hard. His hands find the fabric of Hyunjin's shirt and grip it to keep from falling. Hyunjin brushes the tip of his nose against his neck, and then his tongue finds skin.

Lips create a hickey, almost imperceptibly. Felix moans and becomes docile, supple in his arms.

The bed is right behind them. Hyunjin gently, almost discreetly, tips them over, and Felix welcomes him onto his body, closing his eyes, sighs catching in his lips.

It has been so long.

Why does his touch burn more intensely than that of his anonymous lovers?

Why is his weight between his thighs more intense, why does the contact of his lips make him burn so hard, so deeply?

Felix has forgotten his evening.

His plans.

There is only Hyunjin.

And him.

And then suddenly the earth tilts on its axis.

Hyunjin's mouth slides along his jaw, rests on the corner of his mouth.

Shy.

Gentle.

They both sigh, their hearts pounding so hard they can feel each other where their torsos are pressed together.

Hyunjin mummures against his skin.

"Just know I haven't had enough to drink to not know what I'm doing, Lixie," and he kisses him.

Finally.

Finally.

Why didn't he do this years ago?

He's gay, bi, it doesn't matter.

He wants Felix.

Only him, never anyone else.

He wants Felix against him, in his arms, beneath him.

Against his lips.

Felix shyly returns the kiss.

It's his first kiss, and it's a miracle because across the years and the ocean, it's the one he reserved for Hyunjin.

He clings to Hyunjin's wrists, and they look at each other in silence, then Hyunjin leans in a second time.

"This is my first kiss, Jinnie."

"How..."

"I… I never let anyone kiss me, ever."

The singer's heart swells with… With love.

"You're mine, Lix, you always have been. I was an idiot." 

Hyunjin feels like he could fly. Everything seems both clear like cristal and burning like molten lava.

"I was such an idiot, I hurt you." 

He slips his tongue between Felix's lips. Again. And again.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you."

Their tongues intertwines.

"Mine, and mine alone."

Maybe it's too soon. Maybe Hyunjin has drunk too much. Maybe they should calm down, sit separately, and talk.

That would probably be much more sensible. But Felix wraps one of his dancer's legs around Hyunjin's body, pressing it against his, and the two boys moan, feeling their mutual desire. When Hyunjin kisses his throat, then his collarbones, Felix grasps the muscles of his shoulders, kneading their curves. Hyunjin slides his mouth to one shoulder, then follows the hem of his tank top to his chest. His hand moves up from his waist to his ribs, pulling the fabric with it, and Hyunjin takes the opportunity to lick one nipple, then the other, before continuing to scatter kisses until he reaches the waistband of his skirt. 

There, he freezes. Felix sits up, worried, when he feels Hyunjin stiffen. His heart begins to pound, and anxiety washes over him. Has Hyunjin finally sobered up enough to realize that he doesn't actually want Felix? But Hyunjin moves his hand to his thigh and grasps the fabric of his skirt between two fingers.

"Baby... can I...?"

"Are you sure? Are you really sure this is what you want, Jinnie?" 

Felix's voice trembles, and Hyunjin's heart breaks slightly at the worry he sees in his eyes. He’s the one who put it in there. Because of his stupidity. Before continuing his exploration, he moves to Felix's mouth and kisses him tenderly, then nibbles at his throat.

"I've never wanted anything this badly, baby."

Felix nods. Leaning on his elbows, he lets Hyunjin slowly lift the fabric of his skirt. Hyunjin gasps as he discovers him naked underneath.

"Mine," he groans, looking up at Felix. "Mine, do you hear me?" 

The possessiveness in his voice makes the blond's heart race, his cheeks flushing. His cock twitches when Hyunjin's breath caresses him. He feels vulnerable, aroused, and not quite convinced he's not dreaming. But Hyunjin tilts his head again and places his tongue on the thin skin at the base before licking it in one swift motion to the head, where he collects the drop of precum his touch has caused to bead.

"Aaaangh," Felix moans, throwing his head back, which makes Hyunjin open his mouth and take him all in.

"Fuck, Jinnie!" 

The singer takes this as encouragement and begins to bob his head.

Very quickly, Hyunjin pushes Felix's legs aside. He wants more. He wants to touch him intimately, like that time that had so deeply affected him that he dreamed about it for a long time without understanding why. When he straightens up to unbutton Felix's skirt, he freezes.

"Baby..." His whisper sounds tortured, painful. He taps the blue jewel nestled between his partner's buttocks.

"You meant to... tonight... you did this for someone else..." 

Felix pushes himself up on his elbows again, his mind clouded, his eyes blurry, but not so much that he couldn't sense the pain in the singer's voice.

"Jinnie..." 

Hyunjin sits up and cradles his head in his open hands. His palms slide over his closed eyes, and he presses to hold back the tears that suddenly threaten to overflow. Taken by surprise, Felix doesn't know how to react and begins to panic. He sits down abruptly and grabs Hyunjin's wrists, forcing him to reveal his face.

"Jinnie, I didn't do this for someone... for someone I have feelings for," he explains, his voice strained. "There's no one else I have feelings for but you."

Will that be enough? He needs it to be enough.

Hyunjin's features reflect his suffering, and he avoids Felix's gaze.

"Jinnie, I was alone, and until just now, I knew nothing of your feelings. You can't blame me for trying... for wanting..." 

He loses himself in his words, desperate to make Hyunjin understand that love had never been a factor in these encounters. Is he going to lose everything so soon after finding him again? His mouth curls into a sad pout, and his eyes fill with tears.

"I thought you'd never look at me like this, Jinnie," he murmurs. 

It’s Felix’s audible sorrow that pulls Hyunjin out of his own. How could he blame Felix... How could he be angry with him? He remembers the day he proudly announced that he had finally slept with a girl. He had broken his heart. Felix couldn't have imagined what Hyunjin has only just discovered himself. He lifts his head and places his hands on Felix's cheeks, pulling him towards him to kiss him.

"Sorry, Lixie. You're right. I'm sorry."

But then, Felix remembers. At the end of this week, Hyunjin will go back to his work. Again. And he won’t be there, he won’t take Felix’s hand nor kiss him after a long day of work. He’ll be so far away. Oceans away.

“It’s okay, Jinnie. Maybe we should just… stop here.”

(╥﹏╥)

Meanwhile, at Chan's house, the Stray Kids are chatting and playing pool, each with a cold drink in hand.

"I didn't understand a word Hyunjin mumbled," Changbin says, "but I've never seen him down that much vodka at once."

"I hope he's okay. He seemed ready for action when he left. Should we have warned Felix about what was coming?" Han wonders, narrowly missing his target. "Damn, the cue ball!"

Minho pats Han's ass as he circles around to retrieve the cue ball and take his turn.

"Let them do their own thing. If Felix needs us to get Jinnie back, he'll message Channie," he says. "They need to talk privately. There are too many things they've never admitted to each other."

They play in silence for a few minutes. And then I.N. interrupts.

"I really hope we can find a way to reunite them. I've never seen Jinnie so animated. And I love Felix. He's so cute."

"Yah, maknae, do you really want another hyung when you already treat us all so badly?" Seungmin says, giving him a light tap on the head with his pool cue.

Meanwhile, Chan smiles mysteriously, without adding anything. But no one asks him for an explanation. If their group is already so well-known, it's thanks to him, thanks to his ideas, his little secret projects. There's no doubt that once again, he'll save the day.

Chapter Text

They sit facing each other for several long minutes.

Silent.

Then Hyunjin frowns and lunges forward, knocking Felix onto the bed.

“No. No, it’s not okay to leave it like this. No, Felix. Not anymore. No,” he cries, pressing his forehead against the blond’s. “Why, why? I love you. The past… yours, mine… let’s forget it. What matters is now. You and me.” 

He's panicked. Distraught. No, Felix can't take back what he's just tasted. He can't take away what he's just rediscovered, without knowing that it's what he needed to be happy. He knows he doesn't deserve the right to beg for anything. Not after hurting him the way he did. He's aware of that, but still.

Felix squeezes his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks, but it isn’t enough. His face contorts in a grimace of pain that terrifies Hyunjin. He cups his large hands around Felix’s face and covers it with kisses—on his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids.

“Don’t cry, baby, don’t cry,” he begs, tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

His heart is beating so hard it feels like it's going to burst. He has to make Felix understand... He has to explain...

“I’m sorry, Lixie, I didn’t mean to be… jealous, it’s just… it’s me, it’s my fault. Please, don’t leave me now, please,” he murmurs hurriedly, still holding Felix. “Open your eyes, baby, look at me… I beg you, Lixie, baby. Please. Please. Open your eyes. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Please." 

Felix obeyes, almost against his will, unable to resist, and his glassy gaze falls upon Hyunjin’s crumpled, panicked face. 

There’s so much sincerity and so much love in his eyes that something deep inside him begins to heal, as if he has been waiting for this exact moment, for Jinnie’s real despair and honest guilt, for the deep crack in his heart to mend. He breathes better for a minute. And then the tears flow more freely, because even though he forgives, he loves back, even though Hyunjin really, really loves him, he has so very little time left before he’s torn away again. It feels so unfair.

No amount of feelings could give back what Hyunjin’s choice to become an idol has taken from him. No amount of acknowledgment of his feelings of hurt can console him with the happiness of a true relationship. 

So he sobs against Hyunjin, his hands around his wrists, desperate to have won and lost, all at once.

Felix doesn't push Hyunjin away when he kisses him again. He's done pushing him away. He needs him, even if only for a while, even if he'll have to return him soon. Too soon. So he kisses him back, weeping, letting the salt of his tears mingle with their saliva, and moans as Hyunjin undulates against his body, instantly rekindling his desire for him.

"Jinnie..." he breathes against his mouth.

He asks for more, he needs more. He wants to fill a void that has lasted for months, for years. Hyunjin understands without words and straightens up to tear off his t-shirt and throw it blindly near the bed. He then unbuttons Felix's skirt, finishing what he began earlier, and helps him get rid of his tank top. When the young man is naked before him, Hyunjin's eyes widen hungrily

"How come I didn’t I see it... How could I not understand..." he murmurs, letting his gaze slide over the naked, offered body lying beneath his own. "You are so beautiful… So sexy, Felix…" 

Felix blushes at this exploration and raises his hands to hide his face, but Hyunjin won't let him and takes his wrists in one hand, pinning them above his head. Felix moans, completely aroused.

“You’re gorgeous, Angel. And you’re mine, all mine,” he says possessively, before leaning down to nibble at his nipples, sliding his free hand along his ribs, into the small of his waist. “I’m so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't realize sooner how much you meant to me.” 

He needs to make him understand everything that's boiling inside his heart. He wants him to understand how really serious he is.

But Felix’s moans are driving him a little crazy. He frees his hands to force him to lift his thighs. Instead of taking the plug’s bright blue stone as an offense, this time he leans down to grasp it between two fingers and tug on it, eliciting a deep moan.

“Hyune… Jinnie…” 

When Hyunjin leans in a little closer and takes him in his mouth, he wonders how he could have been so blinded that he didn't understand that this is exactly what he loves, what he desires. Giving pleasure to the person who matters most to him. Receiving pleasure in his arms.Without releasing the plug, which he moves back and forth, he sucks on his cock until his lips touch the skin of his pelvis. The effect on Felix is immediate. He gasps, arches his back in shock, and swallows hard. 

Hyunjin plays with him for a few moments before growing impatient and slowly removing the plug, throwing it to the floor and replacing it with two of his long fingers. 

Felix opens his eyes in shock and sits up to look at Hyunjin, still unsure if it’s real or if he's having a really realistic wet dream. Is he really there? Is he really touching him, is his mouth on his cock, his fingers inside him? Is the pleasure that washes over him truly caused by his childhood friend, his first, his one and only love? 

Hyunjin frees his cock, which falls back onto his stomach and smears it with a trail of creamy fluid, but keeps his fingers buried inside him, opening him even wider.

“Is it good, baby? It’s been so long. You’re so soft here. So hot”, he murmurs. “I’m going to make love to you now, mm?” he adds, his eyes dropping to his spread thighs, to his hard, throbbing cock, to his widened hole glistening with lube and desire. 

His heart swells at the sight. So many emotions battles within him. Guilt, because he had hurt Felix so much. Regret for having wasted so much time. The desire to make him understand how serious he is. The longing to give him pleasure so intense that he’ll never want to sleep with anyone else again. Jealousy. Because if he had understood, he could have been the first. And above all, his heart is filled with immense, overwhelming love, something so strong that he wishes he could scream, or perhaps devour Felix to keep him with him, inside him, forever.

On impulse, driven by an irresistible urge, he lifts Felix’s hips with his casted arm, making him moan in shock, and places his mouth on the pink, wet opening his fingers are teasing, sliding his tongue over the sensitive skin without stopping his fingers from scissoring. An instinct older than the world makes him slide his tongue over the velvety walls, stretched by the plug and his good care, to taste Felix in the most intimate part of his body.

“Jinnie,” Felix protests weakly, in shock again, shivers running all over his skin. “Don’t do this…” 

But Hyunjin doesn’t care about his protests. Mad with desire, filled with the determination to have Felix all to himself, open, yielding, and moaning, he plunges his tongue between his fingers and listens with delight to the dirty, filthy sounds his caresses draw from his lover. His skin is burning hot, soft, so soft; he has no intention of ever leaving his position between the supple thighs of the man he loves, but the desire that makes his own cock strain in his boxers ultimately compels him to lay Felix back on the mattress while he undresses. Once naked, he wastes no time before positioning himself at Felix's entrance and slowly, so slowly, so deliciously, slides inside him. 

The friction is eased by the amount of lube Felix used earlier to begin prepping himself. He moans, again and again, because it's Hyunjin, finally, because he's so wide, so long, so hot inside him, filling him like no one ever has before. Hyunjin peppers tiny kisses on his face, murmurs sweet nothings, overwhelmed by the warmth between their bodies, by the fact that it’s Felix in his arms. When he bottoms out, their hips pressed together, Hyunjin frames his face with his hands and their eyes meet, moist with pleasure. He is finally exactly where he belongs. His heard is pounding, and so is Felix’s.

“I love you, Lee Felix,” the singer whispers against his lips.

“I love you too, Hwang Hyunjin,” the blond replies before lifting his head to kiss him.

The pleasure that spreads through their bodies is greater, more expansive, and more intense than anything they’ve ever experienced before. But while Hyunjin discovers that true feelings make the act wonderful, Felix’s heart breaks at the thought of never experiencing such an embrace again. Their bodies undulate together, to a rhythm as old as the world. Kisses are exchanged, glances too. Hands caress, grasp, press flesh shaken by the slow rise of a blinding pleasure. They reach their climax almost simultaneously, and it’s more beautiful than anything they’ve ever felt before. More intense. 

More terrifying.

A few moments later, as they lay in each other's arms, finally at peace, Felix listens to the melody of their two hearts beating together and wonders how he’ll survive Hyunjin's departure. Hyunjin holds him tightly, as if he had no intention of ever letting go.

"Angel, I want you to know that I'm very serious about us," the singer murmurs, his mouth in Felix's blond hair. He tightens his embrace slightly when the Australian buries his face in his neck without responding. But when he feels the dampness of Felix's tears slide onto his bare skin, his heart breaks.

"Don't cry, baby, we'll find a solution," he promises, sensing why his companion’s crying again. “Australia isn’t that far from Korea. I can arrange to come regularly, I’m sure of it. And you too, mm? I’ll send you plane tickets when we’re both available.”

He’d like to suggest to Felix that he moves to Korea. To join him. But he doesn’t dare, because he doesn’t know how he could promise him time, when he might not have much of it. Of course, he’ll call him often, and write to him all the time. What happened between them must never happen again. He never wants to give Felix the impression that he doesn’t matter to him. He wants to be forgiven for abandoning him. He never wants to hurt him again.

And then he remembers that Chan has a plan. He’s sure of it, even if Chan hasn’t actually confessed anything. So he remains silent, determined to talk to his leader, to ask for his help.

“Felix,” he murmurs again. “Can I sleep here with you? Tonight?” 

Despite the tears still dampening his cheeks, Felix smiles, yet a bit sadly, soothed by Hyunjin’s large hand stroking his hair, by the touch of his long, warm body. For one night, he’ll forget everything. The distance. The difficulties. Their past. For one night, he’s simply a young man in love, in the arms of the one he loves. And who loves him in return.

“Stay with me, Jinnie,” he replies, without specifying whether he’s granting him one night, or begging him never to leave him again.

જ⁀➴ ♡

It's already the fifth day of their vacation. Their last real day, since their plane takes off the following evening.

While stroking Berry, Chan is lost in thought. The day before, when Hyunjin left to join Felix, he called the top brass at JYP Entertainment, in Korea. While on the phone with them, he sent them an audio file. The very one where you can hear Felix's deep voice blending with their seven voices. God's Menu.

"He's the one I want as the eighth member," he announced bluntly.

"Chan-si…" sighed their boss's voice. "We've already discussed this. I know you want to find an eighth member, but the public has already gotten used to a group with seven members."

Yes, Chan is aware of this. But he's convinced of it. He's felt it from the beginning. They have to be eight. And if Woojin abandoned them, it's simply because he wasn't the right eighth member.

“I know what you said, Mr. Park, but just press play and listen. We’ll talk afterward.”

Another sigh, but Park Jin-Young complied, no doubt hoping to get rid of the call afterward. And then:

“Okay, Bang Chan, this is something else. How, where did you find this one?”

Changbin’s arrival in the kitchen interrupts his thoughts. The rapper yawns, squinting, and stretches, cracking his back.

“Hey, Chan-hyung, hey, Berry,” he mumbles, opening the fridge to take out some milk. “Have you seen Jinnie? He hasn’t come home all night.” Chan raises an eyebrow.

“You expected him to come home? Knowing where he went?” A chuckle escapes the two young men.

“You’re right, actually. I guess if he’s not here yet, it means things didn’t go too badly, eh?” Chan straightens up after feeding his dog. He washes his hands and then gets to work preparing breakfast for his little bundle of favourite people. Soon, drawn by the smells of delicious food, the rest of the gang arrives in the kitchen and the usual commotion begins. But Chan wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world for calmer models. Together, they’re a family. And soon, their family will grow.

“Guys,” he begins, banging the back of a spoon against a saucepan, “we need to talk.”

𝄞⨾💿✮˚.⋆

Hyunjin opens his eyes first. His arm in a cast rests on the mattress, serving as a pillow for Felix's blond head, which lies on its side, facing him. Their legs are intertwined, their torsos pressed together. The traces of makeup smeared on the blond's closed eyelids, the slightly sticky feeling further south, and pleasant aches remind him that they fell asleep without washing the night before, but he doesn't regret it. It's so sweet to wake up like this, wrapped around each other. Felix stirs slightly, moves closer, slides his thigh higher on his. Hyunjin also realizes that they are both very naked, and, with the morning, very hard.

A moan escapes him as their cocks rub against each other. It's impossible to stay still when Felix throws his head back and a groan of pleasure escapes his parted lips. Hyunjin slides his free hand down to his waist, then his hip, before cupping a round, juicy buttock and squeezing it firmly. Felix bites his lower lip without opening his eyes, pressing his pelvis forward, seeking more contact. His gesture encourages Hyunjin, who, increasingly aroused, slides his fingers a little further, until they brush against the still-swollen edges of the vert place that interests him. There too, the remnants of lube and cum make the skin sticky, but he doesn't care; desire is more powerful than any hygienic consideration. Felix is ​​in his arms, naked, and clearly awake now and completely willing, since he arranges himself to increase the friction between their cocks by pressing himself even closer to Hyunjin. 

Their moans soon fill the room. Hyunjin easily inserts a first finger, then a second, into his still-soft and wet from the day before hole. His tongue slid from the soft skin beneath his ear to his jaw and then to his mouth, demanding access. Oblivious to the morning breath, they kiss, touch, and caress each other, moaning softly, until Felix can no longer resist and pushes Jinnie away to climb on top of him and settle where desire is most intense.

A long moan escapes him as he slowly slides down Hyunjin's shaft. He's not sufficiently lubricated, but he likes it when it hurts a little. Hyunjin squeezes his thighs together, eyes closed, overcome by a desire to pound his lover so powerful he has to breathe heavily to restrain himself. Once bottomed out, Felix finally opens his eyes. His palms pressed against the singer's chest, he smiles softly, stars in his eyes.

"Hi," he murmurs.

"Hi baby," Hyunjin replies, captivated by his dreamy expression. "I love you," he adds because he wants to, to make up for lost time, and because he can. Felix doesn't respond, but his smile becomes even more tender.

And then lust takes over again, and he begins to move, rising and falling, savoring the sensation of the long, burning cock inside him. His own is already leaking; he won't last much longer. It's too good.

For Hyunjin too, it's incredibly good. Tight, burning. Perfect. And Felix, bouncing on his hips, head back, nipples hard and abs tight... Nothing has ever been as erotic as this sight, this boy with his makeup ruined, his ass stretched by his cock, taking pleasure from it. Hyunjin has to touch him. He keeps his casted hand on his thigh, but raises his free hand to wrap his fingers around Felix's shaft, tugging on it. Felix whimpers with pleasure.

Hyunjin climaxes just after Felix cums on his chest, smearing it with sticky white fluid. Before Felix can react, Hyunjin runs a finger over the mess on his chest, scooping up some of the fluid and bringing it to his mouth with a greedy look. He sucks on his finger, never taking his eyes off Felix.

"Delicious," he says. 

Stunned, the blond lets himself be pushed back and pressed into the mattress by a laughing Hyunjin. They're dirty, they need a good shower and clean sheets, but neither of them wants to move. To separate. Hyunjin is peppering slow, loving kisses on Felix's heart-shaped mouth when the bedroom door opens and Felix's younger sister lets out a shrill cry.

"Mommy! Hyunjin fell inside of Felix!" she shouts before slamming the door shut and running away, laughing like a devil, leaving the two boys in shock and red as rie strawberries.

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🍓ɞ˚‧｡⋆

Luckily, Felix's parents aren't really home, and after thoroughly tickling his sister to punish her for making him believe otherwise, Felix does the laundry while Hyunjin manages the coffee maker. They take a long shower, during which Felix kneels before Hyunjin to suck him off, then get dressed, Hyunjin in his clothes from the day before, Felix in canvas shorts and a large white t-shirt. 

The atmosphere becomes a little more tense when Hyunjin's phone displays a message from Chan. That's right, Felix suddenly remembers. This is all just temporary.

"Chan wants us to go next door, he has something to propose," Hyunjin says. 

Felix assumes it’s an invitation to join them on some kind of outing. It’s their last day of vacation, after all. The next day, they’ll be hitting the road again. He feels like refusing. It's over, isn't it? Soon, Hyunjin will be back on the road, traveling from city to city for their concerts. Yes, he'll write messages this time. Felix trusts him on that. But will it be enough? After what they've just been through together? After finding each other again?

"I don't know..." the blond begins, but Hyunjin is already standing up and holding out his hand.

"I told him we'd be there in two minutes, baby," he says simply, his eyes filled with a hope that Felix doesn't have the heart to shatter.

"Okay," he replies, getting up to follow the singer to the neighboring house.

It's noon, and when they step through the veranda door, they find the other six members of the group sitting around the garden table, looking too serious. Chan has a stack of documents in front of him, his phone propped up on top to keep the wind from blowing them away. Felix immediately fears the worst. Someone saw him and Hyunjin together and alerted the press. They're leaving tonight. Their tour is canceled because of him. Fears race through his mind, but Chan smiles kindly and gestures toward the two chairs in front of him, inviting the two young men to sit down.

"Hey, Lixie," the Kids greet him with smiles, calming his initial anxiety a little. "Did you sleep well?" He blushes, as does Hyunjin, at the obvious innuendo in Changbin's voice.

"Yah, Binnie, leave him alone!" Hyunjin insists. Felix realizes he hasn't let go of his hand. Overcome with emotion, he smiles around and looks back at Chan.

"Lixie," Chan begins solemnly. "I have something I want you to hear. Here, take my headphones, Jinnie, take Jisung's, and listen to this."

A few seconds later, the music starts, and Felix turns his head toward Hyunjin, his eyes wide with wonder as he discovers the result of his "little recording sessions" in the form of this masterful piece.

"Cooking like a chef..." 

The verses flow seamlessly, and honestly, he hadn't thought his voice could sound so good. It blends perfectly with the others, despite their different vocal ranges. His head bobs in time with the music without him even realizing it, while Hyunjin's thumb rubs against the back of his hand, also in time with the beat. At the end of the song, when he takes off his headphones, amazed, he smiles gratefully at Chan.

"This is really..." he begins, but he doesn't even know what to say. It’s so amazing to have been able to record this with Stray Kids.

He sighs.

"I really like it. It's a shame, you did a great job, and it won't be used," he says. 

Hyunjin squeezes his hand. Chan smiles even wider. Han and Minho chuckle, leaning their heads towards each other, and Ayen crosses his arms on the table, winking at him.

"Yes… about that…"

Felix frowns at Chan's tone. There’s something there, he just can't quite put his finger on it.

"Chris..." he begins.

"I would like... no, we want," the group's leader interrupts, raising a finger, "we would like you to agree to join Stray Kids. We want you as the eighth member of the group, Lixie."

꧁⎝ 𓆩༺✧༻𓆪 ⎠꧂

At first, Felix isn't sure he's understood Chan correctly. He's spoken in Korean, so that each of the Stray Kids would understand, but Felix must have misunderstood. It had been a long time since he'd spoken Korean, after all. 

That isn't true; he speaks it with his parents, and especially with his grandmother. But in that moment… His mind is trying to explain what seems too inconceivable to be real.

Unless Chan’s actually only offering him a one-off guest appearance, just for this track, for this album. It’s plausible, even if, generally, featured artists are well-known, not obscure Australian students.

The silence drags on, and Felix begins to realize that Chan’s waiting for his answer. No. They’re all waiting for his answer. They stare at him, smiling, their faces reflecting… hope?

“You can’t be serious, Chris,” he murmurs, vaguely aware that his palms are getting a little too sweaty for his comfort, but Hyunjin still won’t let go of his hand. The band leader nods, smiling.

“Yes, Lixie, I’m really serious. You heard it yourself. The way your voice blends with ours. And we’ve been looking for our eighth member for a long time. We want it to be you.”

Despite Chan's words, Felix refuses to believe it. He shakes his head and pushes back his chair, unsure of where he wants to go. He just wants to get away for a bit. He needs some space to think. To reflect. Hyunjin reaches out to him, but at Chan's gesture, he finally lets him pass behind his chair. The blond grips the back of the chair tightly in his hands. The others respect his need to move and remain silent, but all their stares are starting to stress him out.

"It's impossible. You're already too well-known to add another member. The public won't follow, you'll lose fans," he begins, thinking aloud.

"We'll lose some, and that's their problem. But Felix, if you join us, I'm sure we'll gain thousands more. You're made for this," Chan replies immediately. 

Felix lowers his head, gazing at his tanned fingers. “I have freckles. It’s not a desirable physical characteristic in Korea,” Felix objects again, lifting his head. He’s right, he knows it, because he suffered throughout his childhood and adolescence because of this feature. Hyunjin remembers it too. He turns to him and gently strokes his fingers, just to show him he’s there for him.

“Your freckles are an asset, in my opinion,” Changbin suddenly interjects. “They’re unique, adorable, and cute, and I’m sure the fans will love your face.”

“Binnie’s right,” Hyunjin whispers, “you know your freckles are too cute to resist.”

Felix can't return his smile, but he appreciates the attempt nonetheless.

“I have my studies to finish.”

That's harder to argue with, in his opinion. It's not that he's desperate for this course of study. But he needs a degree, a job.

“You can do like us, continue remotely, it works well,” Ayen replies. “I'm finishing remotely too. We can study together and support each other during exams. It would help me to have a brother in the same situation as me.”

Felix nods. Okay, they have an answer for everything. But it's still impossible, isn't it?

“I'm gay.”

The ultimate argument, in his opinion, the one that will stop everything.

But Minho and Han exchange a knowing smile.

“Us too, I don't see the problem?”

This time, Chan takes the lead.

“Yes, yes, the little couple, but you’re not exactly shouting it from the rooftops, and your contract forbids you from talking about it. It’s important, Felix is ​​right.”

There it is, Felix has found the weak point in their plan. Chan will explain that he understands and that, well, too bad, but they’ll remain friends. Won’t they?

“Contracts are restrictive, that’s for sure, but they’re also designed to protect all of us. But one day, when we achieve the success we deserve, in a few years, and our voice carries more weight than our boss’s, we’ll eliminate that clause from the contracts. Here, there’s no one who’s homophobic, transphobic, or anything like that. I don’t see the problem, Lixie.” He speaks so well, he becomes convincing, but Felix touches on something else.

He remembers what Hyunjin had to do when he started out.

Clean up his social media. Delete his friends from his contacts. Give up his social life.

“I… There are a lot of people who’ll remember me. How I am. Who I am.”

He’s not sure how to express his feelings, but he has to try.

“You won’t be able to find everyone. Convince them to sign a document to keep quiet about me. Since I’ve been in Australia, I’ve…” He glances at Hyunjin. He’s not going to like this. “I go out a lot. A real lot. I meet… people.” Hyunjin tenses up and looks down. Felix wants to take him in his arms, explain that it’s never changed his feelings for him. He holds back. Anyway, they’ll soon be nothing more than memories to each other.

The silence is a little thicker this time, but Chan shakes his head and gets up to join him behind the chair he's still clinging to. Once close, he forces him to let go of the metal surface and massages his clenched fingers between his own.

“Lixie… I don’t care about that. None of us care.” 

Felix’s eyes are moist, because his insistence on calling him to them stirs something within him, something fragile that has been damaged too often in the past. Felix lets his forehead fall against the strong shoulder of the Stray Kids leader.

“You don’t understand. I… there are dozens of people who could publish stuff about me. The kind of stuff none of you want associated with the name Stray Kids.” His ears are burning; he’s ashamed. “I just needed someone to hug me…” he whispers. Hyunjin abruptly pushes back his chair and runs inside the house before anyone can stop him.

“I’m so sorry”, Felix adds before running away too, too ashamed to face the stunned group.

જ⁀➴ ♡

Felix sincerely thought he wouldn't see Hyunjin or any of the other band members again before they left. And yet, an hour after his hasty departure, there’s a knock at his door. He barely has time to get out of bed, where he's been silently crying, curled up in a ball, before the door opens to reveal Hyunjin, half-hidden by an enormous bouquet.

Roses. Red. At least fifty. Felix wipes the moisture from his cheeks with the back of his hand.

"Jinnie?" he asks, even though he recognizes his friend's hands around the shiny paper wrapped around the flowers. "What are you doing here?" 

His heart pounds as Hyunjin enters the room, preceded by his enormous bouquet, which he places at the foot of the bed, carefully smoothing the paper with the palm of his cast free hand, before turning to Felix.

"I came to ask for your forgiveness." 

“You don’t have to apologize for earlier,” Felix begins, approaching him. “I understand that you’re…”

“No,” the singer interrupts. “Not for earlier. I ran away because I was ashamed of myself. Because it’s because of me that you made those choices when you came to Australia. Because I abandoned you. I finally understand everything. And I’m sorry, completely, sincerely.” 

Hyunjin steps closer and places his hands on the Australian’s trembling shoulders, his eyes filling with tears once more.

“You already apologized, Jinnie…”

“I know, but I only truly understood before… Yes, I’m jealous of the others, but I pushed you into their arms because I didn’t recognize my feelings for you, because I didn’t make the effort I should have to stay in touch, because I treated what we shared as something unimportant. When it was the complete opposite. You’re my first love, Lixie, and I didn’t realize it. I’m sorry. I would love it if you could be my last. I love you, baby. I love you so much.” 

The young man’s outburst brought fresh tears to the blond boy’s cheeks, and he rushes to Hyunjin, burying his face in his shoulder. Moved and trembling, the two boys embrace for a long time, exchanging sweet nothings, tender words, caresses, and kisses. For Felix, it’s as if his heart had been mended, as if Hyunjin had plugged the hole he had left in his chest by leaving him behind. 

They lay on the bed, cautious of the roses, face to face, in each other’s arms.

“Join Stray Kids,” the young man murmurs after a moment, cradling Felix in his arms. “I want us to do this together.”

“What about the risk of someone talking about me?” Felix doesn’t elaborate, and Hyunjin understands. His embrace tightens.

“Chan said to tell you that he’ll handle everything with the managers’ help, and that he’ll need you to give him some names. I’ll leave you two alone to talk about it; it’ll be more comfortable for you.” 

Felix steps back slightly to study Hyunjin’s face.

“And you’re okay with that?”

His disbelief makes Hyunjin wince, but he deserves that reaction.

“Yes, baby, because now you’re with me, and the others belong to the past, not the future.” He pauses, blushing, and frees his arm to reach into his pocket. He pulls out two silver rings.

“I bought two of these months ago, and I’ve been saving them for the day I find you again. I thought about friendship. But now I know it’s not only friendship. I want us to have couple’s accessories. Because I want us to be a couple, Lix. A real one.” 

Touched, Felix accepts the ring and lets Hyunjin slip it onto his finger before helping him put his own on his index finger. They admire their clasped hands for a few seconds before embracing again.

“I want to be with you too, Jinnie. But I can’t sing. I have no training. I don’t want to hold you down. I could move to Korea, finish my studies…” Hyunjin cuts him off with a kiss.

“You could do that, yes. But you could also trust us. Trust Chan. If he thinks you’re capable, baby, then you are. He’s the best leader, he’ll push us to the top, and I want to go there with you.” 

Felix sees the sincerity in his tender gaze. He has nothing else to object to. And he no longer wants to give up.

“Then I want to go with you, too. With all of you. I want to become a Stray Kid.”