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Rodrick is honest-to-God, abso-fucking-lutely in love with this girl. Let me explain. Four months ago, three days after Halloween, if you would believe it, Rodrick pulled up two blocks away from Regina George’s huge McMansion, as instructed, and they had the best date ever in his van at the drive-in.
He brought cheeseburgers, cleaned his van, he even shaved his pits, for fuck’s sake.
So, it’s insane that after four whole months of them making out in places he could name, but won’t (he’s a gentleman, thank you very much), Regina has stopped speaking to him completely.
And fuck him, he misses her. He really, really does.
It hit him when she was sitting across from him in class, looking unfairly perfect and the whole class – him included – were gathered at her table as she said something that he can't fucking remember. No, seriously, all he had in his head for those five glorious minutes sitting less than two feet from her, in public, was holy fuck. I’m so yours. Kill me now.
So, can somebody please tell him what God he’s pissed off now that this angel won’t so much as text him an insult. Please. Really. He’s begging, take pity.
It’s not like he hasn’t tried. He has. Let it be known that on the eighth of February, Rodrick Heffley, called her sixteen times. All declined. He feels pathetic, he thinks it’s worth it.
[02/08, 19:06] r0dr1ckrulez: baby
[02/08, 19:06] r0dr1ckrulez: angel
[02/08, 19:06] r0dr1ckrulez: pleez
[02/08, 19:06] r0dr1ckrulez: i miss youuuuuuuuu
[02/08, 19:07] r0dr1ckrulez: im comin ovr
[02/08, 19:08] r0dr1ckrulez: do u still wana hang out
[02/08, 19:18] r0dr1ckrulez: im outsideee
[02/08, 19:18] r0dr1ckrulez: come out
[02/08, 19:19] r0dr1ckrulez: i even learned how to make the heart thinf
[02/08, 19:19] r0dr1ckrulez: >3
[02/08, 19:20] r0dr1ckrulez: wait no
[02/08, 19:22] r0dr1ckrulez: <3
[02/08, 19:22] r0dr1ckrulez: there we go
[02/08, 19:25] r0dr1ckrulez: gina plz come out i miss u
And he’s going to give up, it’s been three days since she’s spoken to him, it’s three days too long. He’s going to burst into flames.
His phone pings.
[02/08, 19: 31] regina <3: loser
[02/08, 19: 31] regina <3: my window
Sometimes Rodrick just wants to get really fucking baked in Regina George’s lap. This is one of those times.
The climb to her window, objectively, is not hard. This is what he does all those pullups in his room for. Never come into his room at 11PM. Just don’t do it, man.
“You have some nerve, Heffley.”
“Hi.”
“Don’t ‘hi’ me.” She’s too cute when she’s mad at him. She’s walking over to her pink bed, in her pink nightgown. Her eyebrows are furrowed, he’s in awe of her.
“Well? Aren’t you going to apologize?”
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
“Bold ask for a boy who doesn’t know how to spell ‘please’”
“Uh. Yeah I do. P-L-E-E-Z. Pleez.”
“Holy shit. Come in, kiss me. Shut the fuck up.”
“In that order?”
"If you do anything else, I will destroy you.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Regina’s lips taste like Diet Coke and raspberry. It's glorious. Thank you, Jesus! No joke, she might make a believer out of him.
Completely coincidentally, Rodrick thinks he might have to set a fund aside for Diet Coke and raspberry lipbalm.
She pushes him off when he tries to undo her nightgown. He's not disappointed, he still got to kiss her. God.
“No. I'm still mad at you.”
“Why?” Rodrick is doing his best puppy eyes at her. Neat trick he learned from Manny, at least the twerp is good for something.
“Get those eyes out of here. What's the date today?”
“Ah. Uh. It's the 16th? No! The 20th? 9th?”
It's almost scary how prepared she looks when she brings out the calendar. It's also - very pink.
She asks again, “What's the date today?”
“...The 3rd?”
“One more time.” Regina could eat him right now, honestly, and he would not complain. Chow down on that thang and all that.
In one last attempt, “It's the 8th?”, and Regina sighs. She even smiles.
“Good boy. Why's that important?”
This has to be a trap. Is this a trap?
“Uh. Anniversary?”
The way Regina's looking at him right now, if looks could kill, Rodrick would die a happy man.
“Every time you open your mouth, I feel like I'm getting stupider.”
“So, you think about my mouth?”
“You're such a dog.”
“Heh. Yeah. Woof-woof.”
And Regina - really what is a girl to do - laughs.
“Does this mean I'm right?”
Still, she relents. Can't blame a guy for trying, I suppose.
“It's a week to Valentine's day. And you still haven't asked me.”
“That’s because you haven't talked to me in like a month!”
“It was three days. And, my email was not blocked. Neither was my mailbox. You could have asked if you wanted.”
“Baby. Angel. My sweet-”
“Don't fucking say it.”
“-my sweet, gorgeous weirdo, my-”
“I swear to God, I will cause you bodily harm.”
“I was supposed to email you a Valentine's proposal?”
Regina looks at her nails, the bitch, “Well. If you wanted me enough, you would have found a way.”
Rodrick's mind is completely fucking blown. His face is red. He can feel it.
Inexplicably, Rodrick run out of her room. Regina is genuinely stunned by the audacity.
Fifteen minutes later, he returns; Sharpie scrawled, ‘BE MY VALENTINE’ on an oil-stained pizza box. He drew hearts all over it, they look like misshapen Bs. And the icing on the cake are the flowers in his teeth. Gardenias, stems and all, obviously from her garden, in between his teeth like he's a Latin romantic lead.
But God, does it fucking work. Regina doesn't get it, really. She just really wants him around. He doesn't want to get more popular or climb the social ladder, mostly because he doesn't know how to, but also because he seems to only want to climb to her room.
“You're lucky you're cute, you know.”
“So you'll be my valentine?”
She rolls her eyes, “You fucking loser. Yes.”
“Let's fucking go. Holy shit.” Rodrick pauses before he takes his sweat drenched (does this man just have huge pores?) shirt off, “This okay?”
“Yes. You can't be sweaty in my bed. Shoes off, too.”
“Kinky.”
Regina throws a pillow at him.
“D'ya wan’ a smoke?”
“Is it the bad shit again?”
“Nah I paid the 20 bucks. Good weed. I think.”
“Hm. Gimme.”
“Naughty girl.”
Regina leans back in her bed as Rodrick climbs in. The duvet is soft against her skin. The nightgown is off, she loves the cold against her shoulders.
He lays his head on her thigh, sighs deeply. Smiles. It’s cute. It's repulsive.
“What the fuck are you doing.”
“Mhm. Shut up. Love it here. You're so perfect.”
Rodrick lights the spliff, inhales real slow, really long, and passes it to her. This has to be heaven.
Her hands are in his hair now, stroking his head. Victory feels a lot like Regina George playing with your hair.
“D'ya really think I'm too shitty for you?” He asks, sincerely. Eyes closed, breathing out.
“Not really. I just love when you’re around.”
“Aw. Always knew you were a softie, Georgie.”
“Shut the fuck up. Gimme the joint.”
“What do you like about me then?”
“Nothing. You're a puppy.”
“God!,” Rodrick’s pissing her off now, but he really likes doing it, so. “Guess I'll go now.”
“You fucking wish. Stay here for me.”
“You gotta say it now, princess.”
“Fuck you. You're my favourite part of the day.”
“Mm. Am I?”
“I will destroy you.”
“Please.”
“You're pretty cute too, I guess. In a tragic way.”
“Georgie, you're makin’ me blush!”
“Pipe down, pretty.”
“Whatever you say.”
Regina pulls him up to where her head is, snuggles real close. His arm's around her now. He hadn't noticed yet. But the lacey thin red straps do look amazing on her.
He tugs at a strap, “I like this.”
“You better. 80 dollars for the new Victoria's Secret line. It's all satin and lace.”
“What?”
“What ‘what’?”
“Who's Victoria? And why's she sellin’ underwear secretly?”
And really - Regina has to stifle a giggle. “Victoria's Secret, dummy. Like the Victoria's Secret models?”
“Wait what? What's a secret model?”
“Holy fuck. You’re so fucking cute. You wanna make out?”
“Please.”
“Mm. Good boy.”
Yeah. This is heaven.