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What a fucking day, what a fucking first day of intern year. Not even she, the fucking omen for bad shit happening, would have predicted the twists and turns of today.
As she lays in bed Trinity Santos reflects on how truly, seriously fucked up her first day was, and decides that despite everything that happened she handled everything pretty fucking well (if she did say so herself).
Firstly, Max, the blue kid who tried to take his own life alone in the parking lot outside Pittfest. After they had stabilised him and she went back to try and piece together what happened, she clocked the numb sadness straight away… because how could she not.
Her best friend in the world had looked at her the same way, same numb sad eyes, and 17 year old Trinity hadn’t seen it. Then her best friend killed herself and Trinity’s already fractured unstable world plummeted into chaos.
For a time she nearly followed in her friends footsteps and took the out. But she couldn’t, wouldn’t, let him win. So she blew the whistle, and things got really fucking ugly for a while (just not in the same disgusting way as when he was touching them and making promises of ‘our little secret’).
The REBOA on Carmen the food truck chick, which now that she knows it was successful was very fucking cool (and she’s not going to deny enjoying Dr Abbot calling her a baddass, just because she distrusts (male) authority doesn’t mean she doesn’t like praise), but despite her bravado it was actually one of the scariest moments of her recent life, and something she was genuinely afraid of fucking up.
But she legit tried to find someone senior to assist and they were busy, and she figured no one else had the balls to do the lifesaving procedure… so she did it herself, as usual.
Not, as most assume, she wants to do cool procedures all the time, consequences be damned, but because it was legitimately the only thing that could be done at that point to save her life. And no one else was standing up. And she made a promise to herself long ago that she was gonna be the one to stand up, every time, when no one else would.
And speaking of standing up when no one else would, of fucking course she would be the one to clock the sad med student sneaking up to an abandoned wing of the hospital. And god damn it if Huckleberry didn’t remind her of younger brothers she cared for more than either of their parents. And why didn’t this unknown man trigger any alarm or warning signs in her, when every male type person she’d encountered since she was a teenager elicited that initial response.
She couldn’t identify why she trusted him, but she did somehow, so she invited the sad med student to live in her spare room (rent free), because she hoped that if someone, somewhere, came across one of her little brothers in the same situation, that they would help too. (She even admitted as much when Huckleberry questioned why she was being so nice to him, fuck her life).
Not to say things weren’t weird and awkward on their way home, and once they got there, but there was also something kind of, almost, nice about having someone around during the dark times (do not tell him that!).
She’s not ready to think about the MCI and the amount of blood, bullets, tears and screaming they saw and heard. That will remain in the back of her brain for a long time, but she is nowhere near ready to try and process those emotions.
Then of course there’s Langdon. Stupid motherfucking drug stealing addict doctor that fuelled the derailment of her first day. They clashed from the get go, too barbed and similar to work effectively, especially when he was lashing out rather than teaching, trying everything under the sun to hide instead of do his fucking job and teach her.
And that’s what caught her attention first. Not the drugs, that came later, but his need to hide. Because she was very accustomed to and aware of male authority figures trying to hide their dangerous motives and she wasn’t going to fall for it again.
So with every questionable situation and weak deflection she became more and more sure she was right about him and the drugs.
She truly didn’t know what she was going to do about it, until Robby hit her with ‘a duty to tell him’, and she felt the weight of not saying something before her best fucking friend killer herself, and decided she had to come clean and see if maybe this time someone would believe her.
And he did. The first man, no person, who had ever just… believed her. It was fucking liberating and scary and, like really fucking confusing. Because how did this man who literally met her today trust her, when people she'd known for years didn’t.
But despite all the good things she’d done, there was one glaring traumatic failure.
And sure, she’d made a lot of mistakes today, but she’s a fucking intern, pretty sure that’s expected.
And yeah Langdon’s comment about her not listening was fair, but dammit she has issues with male authority figures ok, and the way he was acting didn’t exactly encourage her confidence or trust around him.
So overall she tries to tell herself she handled things pretty well today … except Alana Dunn. Because she knows men like that, and there is no way he will stop.
From the moment she heard the mothers concerns and laid eyes on the tight posture and sad eyes on the girl she felt a hot painful rage building inside her.
Just that one glance and she could suddenly see it, and didn’t know how she missed it before, because it looked too familiar and too painful. And maybe she felt a stab of jealousy that Alana’s mom noticed the signs and cared enough to do something about it, when hers didn’t even believe her when she said it straight to her face, but that wasn’t worth dwelling on now.
She tried to do everything the right way, the legal way, because she promised herself she would always stand up, especially when no one else did.
She notified Robby and Kiara, allowed him to talk to the mom, and tried to gently get the girl to disclose anything.
And that’s the bit that caused another crack in her damaged heart, because Alana never denied any of her questions, just responded with ‘he’s my dad’, and she thought that response pretty fucking obviously spoke for itself.
She could barely contain her rage (and tears god damnit) when Robby and Kiara told her they ‘didn’t have enough evidence’ to file a child safety report.
Because what the fuck! ANY suspicion is enough to report, she’s a mandated reporter too, thank you very much. And regardless of her personal ability to see the pain Alana is in, the fact that her mother is so concerned about the behaviour that she drugged her husband is a huge fucking red flag.
And yeah, she’s aware that threatening Silas Dunn while he was knocked out and immobile on a bed probably wasn’t the best course of action. That she might have actually made things worse for Alana once her dad goes home. But she was spiraling and panicking a bit (shut up she has PTSD), and she didn’t think through what she was doing, just acted because someone fucking had to!
So now with time and hindsight she knows even more than before that she needs to do something to try and make this situation better.
Tomorrow she will figure out a way to actually help Alana, despite what Kiara and Robby said.
*******
It’s fitting the day after pittfest was gloomy and rainy, matching the somber mood that had overtaken the city after the mass shooting the day before.
Her alarm goes off at 5.30am and she drags her body through the motions of her usual routine. It isn’t until she walks out into the living room and jumps about 10 feet in the air at the sight of the man (boy?), sitting silently on her couch, already in scrubs with his backpack waiting for her, that she remembers she has a new roommate/stray med student.
“Jesus fuck Huckleberry, make a noise or something” she whips out as her hands jump to her chest momentarily.
Wide startled eyes stare back at her, wow he looks even worse than she does. “Oh yeah, um sorry” he stammers, but she just waves him off, “Have you had breakfast?
More stammering, god he’s such a huckleberry, “No I didn’t want to assume or impose”
“Geez I told you last night help yourself to whatever. Do you drink coffee?”
“Oh um yeah sure”
She just raises an eyebrow at him and it takes a good 5 seconds for it to click
“Oh milk and sugar, one sugar, if that’s ok”
Rolling her eyes she just hums in acknowledgment and turns to find her spare travel mug and shove a few protein bars in her bag for shift (shut up that is a totally normal meal for an ED intern and med student).
*****
They sit mostly in silence, side by side on the bus to work, mirroring their awkward commute from the previous night, but with a little
Her kind is running overtime, trying to decide what to do about Alana. Trying to figure out who she could talk to about the nuances of mandated reporting in Pennsylvania, a state she literally moved to in the last week. And again she curses Kiara and Dr Robby for not doing their fucking jobs!
Dana would know, but then she’d probably side with Dr Robby. Collins wasn’t a fan of hers, and she also seemed very close to Robby so she’s out.
She and Mohan had briefly trauma bonded after Langdon yelled at her, but she got the impression she was a little too ‘by the book’ to be ok directly going against Dr Robby.
There was Mel, they seemed to tentatively hit it off on their mutual first day from hell, both before and during the MCI, but Mel was also new and she didn’t know where she was from, she might not know yet either.
And of course huckleberry and crash wouldn’t be of any use.
There may have been a little bonding with Princess and Perlah when she tentatively joined their chismis (gossip), but she didn’t have a good read on that relationship yet.
It’s not until she literally runs into Dr McKay, body moving on autopilot into the Pitt that she realises she’d forgotten the most obvious choice.
McKay literally went behind Dr Robby’s back the day before to report death list kid to the police when Robby wouldn’t, because he was too worried about the boys feelings and reputation and not at all worried enough about the girls he was literally threatening. Men are so fucking clueless
She calls a halfhearted “sorry” behind her and notices McKay quirk an eyebrow as she continues to the locker room.
*****
It’s not exactly a surprise that a dozen shocked looks are exchanged by her new colleagues when she calls out “I’ll work in chairs with Dr McKay this morning” as she approaches the morning huddle, but she also sees a small smile from Dr Robby so that’s an unexpected bonus.
“Yeah sure, sounds good” McKay agrees with a bemused half smile on her face, no doubt sensing there was an ulterior motive to the offer but seeming unbothered.
There is another short pep talk about how well they worked during the MCI and Dr Robby mentioned that both Dana and Langdon were ‘taking some time’ after the events of the day prior, so the pressure seemed off her for the time being at least.
Though she’d overheard Princess and Perlah talking about how Robby shouted at Langdon to ‘fucking leave or be escorted by security’ so it didn’t take a genius to figure it wouldn’t be long before the rumours started.
“Just gotta say, it was pretty badass watching you drill an IO into your ankle monitor yesterday” she grinned at McKay as they headed to chairs a few minutes later.
After an appraising look McKay huffed out “that thing is the bane of my existence, can’t go into half the department without it beeping”
Santos shot an assessing look before deciding to go for it and quips “man your ex is a pain in the ass, sedating him was one of the highlights of my day”
Her bravery is repaid with a genuine laugh and “you’re telling me”, then they both grab charts and start seeing the mostly low acuity patients in the waiting room.
It’s 2 hours later that her first genuine chance to talk comes up. It’s luckily been a pretty tame morning, a lot of Pittsburgh wary of leaving the house unless absolutely necessary after the shooting, and they’ve been steadily working through the waiting room, assessing, diagnosing, treating and discharging as fast as possible.
She knows McKay has been silently waiting her out, giving her space to bring up whatever was on her mind at her own pace, which she appreciates more than she can say, actually.
She’s been watching her these last couple of hours and is really impressed, McKay is a great doctor. Streetwise and sharpened by real pain, but warm and kind in a way Trinity lost a long time ago. She wonders if in another life, one where she had a family she could rely on, or a coach that wasn’t a fucking pervert, or a best friend that was still alive, that maybe she could have turned out a bit more like McKay and less like the hardened, jaded person she is.
None of which is relevant at the moment, she needs to just bite the bullet and ask her questions.
“Sooo, I heard you reported death list kid to the police under Robby’s nose…” she starts awkwardly, and gets a well deserved guarded look in response.
She stalls for a second, recalibrating, then charges ahead, “I’m not judging…. I just, like, really respect you for doing what you know is the right thing, despite what he says, that’s really hard to do”
That startles McKay a bit, lifting a little of her walls.
Then of course she has to open her big mouth, “I think I want to be you when I grow up” she quips and McKay’s expression shifts.
Fuck, damn it. (Just fucking say it!)
“Sorry, no I do that… deflect.” She pauses awkwardly and McKay waits her out again. “I guess I just wanted your opinion on a case, and, like, advice on how to go against Dr Robby if you legitimately don’t agree with him…”
McKay nods seriously, like she’s really considering going against Dr Robby, then asks what her suspicions are, like it’s something she’s actually interested in hearing about.
“So I had a case yesterday, guy fell doing home DIY, turns out his wife was drugging him because she suspected he was grooming or abusing their daughter” she started.
“Fuck seriously? That’s a lot for your first day” McKay says evenly.
“Yeah” she sighed “but the daughter wouldn’t disclose, the most I got was a non denial and ‘he’s my dad’, but god is that still not enough, like the mom was so worried she drugged her husband!” She exclaims willing someone to see what she sees. Thankfully McKay is also trauma forged and gets it immediately.
“That is a serious concern, was a report filed?” McKay asks confidently, like she knows the procedure.
“Nope, Robby and Kiara said there ‘wasn’t enough evidence’” she replied with air quotes, anger and frustration obvious.
McKay sighs next to her, pausing to compile an appropriate response “yeah, Robby is pretty blind to women’s issues and female victims, not out of bad motives, just in general he doesn’t see it. And Kiara can be hesitant, especially with kids, I hear she had a bad rebound case from foster care when she reported abuse previously, so I think she’s possibly a bit gun shy.” She pauses meaningfully, “But that doesn’t excuse them from failing to do their jobs!” She adds emphatically.
Santos pauses, frozen and watching McKay process the situation, waiting for her judgement.
“So no report was filed?” She finally asks.
“Nope. I was so fucking mad” Santos takes a deep breath to calm herself “but I’ve literally just moved here and I’m not sure about the specific steps of reporting in Pennsylvania…” she starts, trying to convey her meaning, but McKay is smart and experienced.
“Oh, yeah I’ve got you. And WE are mandated reporters, so regardless of what they think, if WE think it is reportable that is enough, ok?” McKay says, pushing confidence and motherly comfort out of every pore, “so you don’t need them to agree with you to make a report. But for the record, I agree based on what you’ve told me, that a report should be made”
She takes a long yoga breath, trying to release some tension, looking to McKay for the next steps.
“Ok, come on, I’ll show you how to do the paperwork” McKay says before it gets truly awkward.
She finally exhales, “Thank you, I appreciate it, really.”
To which McKay responds in true badass form “of course, but now you’re my second set of eyes” like she trusts Trinity's judgement, and maybe she does, maybe she sees they are peas in a pod forged by trauma and recognises her attempt to try and stand up for someone, like no one did for her.
This time it’s Trinity’s turn to laugh, “yeah, ditto! What the fuck is wrong with these people” she snorts, like it’s not them that are weird and so impacted by trauma that they see things their coworkers don’t.
She gets an amused half laugh as McKay leads her to a computer. As she enters the report something heavy lifts from her chest, something she hadn’t even noticed until that moment.
Somehow she’s found an ally in her first week, bonded by something most of their coworkers will never understand. But also, because she was (hopefully) able to help another little girl in a terrible situation, like she had vowed to do… like no one ever did for her.
She exhales a long breath, maybe she can do this.