Chapter Text
Somebody was screaming.
He could hear them screaming, but the lights flashing in his eyes, the cloying dark pressing in on him, and the words, images, sounds, and orders that were getting buried deeper and deeper into his head with hammers and screws and saws were too distracting for him to figure out who.
The sound of it still rang in his ears several days later when he was sitting blearily on a bench in a starship. He couldn’t remember how he got there. One minute he was in the dark with the flashing lights and the screaming and the next he was sitting staring down into a bowl of…something, some food, while brothers talked around him.
He rubbed his fingers across his hand. He could still feel somebody there, could feel their hand in his, even under the chaos and lights…but they were gone now. He didn’t know who or where they were anymore. If they were even real. People talked to him all day, but he didn’t really understand what they wanted or what they were saying until later.
The troopship landed in a space station and one of the brothers, a sergeant, stood with him on the flight deck, waiting for another ship. When it arrived the sergeant put a hand on his back and pushed him gently forward, guiding him up the ramp. “Here’s your man,” the sergeant sighed to the craggy-faced brother that stood on the shuttle’s ramp, “He just got out of the cooker, so I wouldn’t expect much.”
For some reason a solemn, unhappy look crossed the new brother’s face as the man reached out a hand for him. He took the new brother’s hand and was tugged gently onto the new ship and then led to a new bunkroom and pressed into a bunk. “You should sleep,” the brother murmured, “It’s good for you.”
“Okay,” he replied, laying down and closing his eyes. The brother tugged the bunk’s blankets up over his shoulders, then turned off the light in the bunkroom and the door whooshed shut.
It was dark, a-and he didn’t like it, what if there were more flashing lights? More hammers? B-but if he kept his eyes closed…maybe he could pretend it wasn’t dark? He pretended as hard as he could and after a while he slept.
He sat on the floor in a fresher stall and watched a cadet clean out a cut on his arm. He couldn’t make out the cadet’s face, somehow it was just a black hole in the shape of a cadet, but even so he still knew that the cadet was upset.
“C’mon I’m fine,” he complained in a wry little cadet voice. He must have been a cadet too.
The black hole cadet glared at him, “This isn’t funny,” he muttered, his voice wet with unshed tears. The cadet really was such a softy, he thought fondly.
“Well you know what?” he asked instead, changing the subject. “The training sergeant gave me a name!”
The black hole cadet started and looked up at him, so he grinned at his brother. “I’m Headcase!” he declared, “It’s perfect!” He laughed at his own joke, but tears came to the cadet’s eyes.
“You’re not crazy,” the cadet snapped, “and that’s not funny either.”
He rolled his eyes, “Booo,” he moaned, “Is too. It’s perfect for me, you know it is, I’m the most–”
“Stop,” the cadet interrupted, his voice harsh and wavering, “80, please just–just stop.”
“Well if you don’t like it then you gotta come up with something,” he relented, “I got my heart set on getting named today, you can’t just take that away.” He was just teasing, but the other cadet sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve, then finished bandaging his lacerated arm.
“Okay,” the cadet mumbled, “Just–just give me a minute to think…” He did and finally his brother looked back up at him, “How about Ɔ̷̛̤̙̺̮̂̃͑ɒ̴̢̨̨̫̇̃̆̚ƨ̷̧͚̳̜̒̃̂̚ɘ̶̨̢̦̀̆́͠ͅγ̵̥̪̼̜̈́͋̕͝ ?”
He woke up and things felt better.
Maybe he really had just needed more sleep. His number was 6280…he remembered it now that his head felt clearer. Before it had been so full of upset squiggles that all the thoughts got completely choked out, but now the squiggles were calmer, only wiggling a little bit, so he could finally think straight. He remembered his number, and that he had a name! ‘Headcase’ somebody had called him. That had to be his name, he remembered it.
He had a name and he’d had a batcher too, a brother, but he couldn’t place him. There was a brother shaped hole in his head, where words and feelings and sounds swirled and mixed together into nonsense. The brother hadn’t liked the name Headcase, he remembered that, but…it was his name. It was his name, right?
Had to be.
***
Headcase kicked his feet as he sat in the chair outside his new commander’s office, waiting for him to be done with his important stuff so he could talk to Headcase like his new sergeant had said, promising that they’d talk more once the commander had seen him.
They’d sent him to Coruscant, and the name sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place it until the brother on the shuttle, Sergeant Gus, had patiently reminded him of it all. The Republic and the Separatists and the war…although Gus had patted him on the shoulder and said “Not your concern,” with a kind smile on his face, “You’ll be just fine on base where it’s safe.”
Somehow that wasn’t right, but Headcase didn’t want to argue, not when Gus was a superior. He…he couldn’t be wrong…
He was wrong.
Then again, apparently Headcase wasn’t the only one waiting for the commander, because two more brothers in red appeared in the hall. One of them was steering the other by the shoulder, only to stop beside Headcase and dump him in the second chair. “Fox knows he’s going to see you,” the one still standing said, his voice scolding, “So if you’re not here and we have to go looking for you when he comes out, whatever punishment you get is going to be doubled, you hear me, vod?”
The brother in the chair hunched his shoulders, but grumbled out an affirmative. The one still standing glanced at Headcase. “Keep an eye on him,” he ordered.
“Okay,” Headcase replied cheerfully. The brother just let out a breath and turned to march back down the hall, leaving them sitting together. “Are you new too?” Headcase asked him once the hall was really empty. “I’m supposed to see the commander because I’m new.”
The brother’s brow furrowed and he gave Headcase a look, “You’re reconned aren’t you?” he asked, the words unhappy.
Headcase tilted his head to the side, “Reconned?” he asked, “Like…reconnaissance…?”
“Well that answers that question,” the brother muttered, then let out a sigh. “Don’t worry, vod, Commander Fox is really nice. He’ll make sure you’re safe.”
“Okay,” Headcase agreed, “Will he make sure you’re safe too?”
The brother sighed heavily, “Safe isn’t my concern,” he grumbled, “Scrubbing toilets until I drop dead is my concern.”
“You’re in trouble?” Headcase asked him unhappily.
“I’m always in trouble,” the brother muttered, sliding down in his chair so he was practically on the floor, his arms folded over his chest. “They need to–to lighten up. I’m not–I–” something in his voice turned fragile and he cut himself off.
Headcase frowned at that and looked back at the door, “If you’re scared, you can run away and I’ll say I didn’t see you,” he decided after a moment, but the brother jerked upright and stared open mouthed at him.
“Stone ordered you to watch me though,” he protested, his voice confused, “I thought reconned troopers always obey orders no matter what they are. That’s-that’s why we can’t let you on the street or in the Senate…”
“Well…” Headcase murmured, “Good soldiers follow orders, but…maybe I’m not a very good soldier…”
The brother stared at him for a long time, but Headcase just waited for him to make up his mind. After a moment he seemed to, shaking his head, “No I–You’ll get in trouble. I can’t put this on you.”
Headcase let out a breath, but nodded and looked back at the commander’s door. “I’ll ask him to be nice to you,” he decided. “You’re not bad, right? If you’re not bad they should be nice to you.”
“I–I am bad,” the brother denied, his voice slightly strangled.
“Oh,” Headcase murmured, looking away for a second, but then he looked back at the brother, “That’s okay, I…I’m bad too.”
The brother stared at him for a long time, but then one corner of his lips turned up in a half smile, “I’m Crow,” he said, “I guess you guys don’t really remember your names though.”
“I have a name,” Headcase disagreed. Crow looked startled by that if anything, but he nodded his head, like he was inviting Headcase to tell him what it was. “I’m Headcase!” he said, tapping himself proudly on the chest with his thumb, but something in Crow’s face fell.
“Did somebody call you that?” he asked in a low voice, “That’s just…”
“It’s my name,” Headcase repeated cheerfully, only to hesitate at the sad look on Crow’s face. He looked away, back at the commander’s door, then at the ceiling. “My-my batcher thought it was… um…h-he…”
Something in Crow’s expression turned even more confused. “You remember your batch? Don’t they normally erase that stuff?”
“Erase?” Headcase asked him confusedly.
Crow let out a huff, but spoke up again, “It was your batcher’s idea? Did any of them call you anything else?” he asked.
“Vod,” Headcase decided after some thought. Crow sighed, the sound almost relieved, but he shook his head a moment later.
“Do you remember his name, the one that named you?” he asked instead.
Headcase thought about that for a long time. “Vod,” he eventually decided.
“What did they all look like?” Crow pressed, regrouping, “What color was their armor?”
“Um…there’s a shadow,” Headcase tried to explain, “They dug out a hole in my brain, but I know he was there before because it’s shaped like him…”
Crow’s face fell once again, but he spent a minute chewing his lip, “Do you know your number?” he finally asked and Headcase perked up at that, happy he could actually answer it.
“6280!” he chirped. Crow gave him a smile, even if it looked a little forced.
“I-I’m gonna call you Case,” he murmured.
Headcase considered that, “My name’s Headcase,” he insisted after a moment and Crow’s face pinched.
“I know,” he soothed, “If you say that’s your name then-then I believe you, but…I wanna call you a nickname, vod. Do you know what a nickname is?”
He didn’t, so he shook his head and Crow smiled wanly at him, “It’s a shorter name that somebody calls you because…because they like you a lot. It’s friendlier than using your big name. I wanna call you Case, even if your name’s Headcase, cuz-cuz it sounds happier.”
“Oh…” Headcase mumbled, looking again at the ceiling as he considered it. Eventually he looked back at Crow. “Are we friends?” he asked and Crow started, only for a wry look to appear on his face.
“Only if you want,” he replied.
The door to the commander’s office whooshed open suddenly and another brother paced out. Crow grimaced, but he reached out to put a hand on Headcase’s shoulder, like he was keeping him there. “I’m in barracks besh,” he said, the tone urgent, “Come find me after your shift’s over I–I want to talk to you more.”
“Okay,” Headcase agreed again, grinning as he nodded along to that, “We’re friends,” he proclaimed and Crow chuckled, but his posture hunched when Commander Fox appeared in the doorway and gave him the blandest most unimpressed look in the world. His expression cleared out when he turned his attention to Headcase.
“6280?” he asked and Headcase nodded.
“I’m Headcase,” he said again. For a second Headcase thought the look that crossed the commander’s face was fury, but it disappeared in an instant, smoothing back out to something calm.
“Case,” Crow corrected, looking away from the commander unhappily, “I–he’s Case.”
Commander Fox let out a breath, but then smiled at Headcase, “Come on in, vod,” he murmured and Headcase could see Crow was right, he really was nice. When he looked at Headcase his expression was loving rather than angry or disappointed. Headcase got up and waved at Crow before following the commander into his office. Crow had an anxious look on his face, but he waved back just before the door shut behind Headcase and the commander gestured for him to sit down in the chair opposite the one he sat in behind his desk.
Headcase sat down obediently, but looked up at Commander Fox with a frown, “Don’t be mad,” he pleaded.
The commander’s brow furrowed, “Why would I be mad?” he asked, but Headcase shook his head.
“Crow’s nice, he said you’re nice too, so don’t be mad…he’s nice.”
Something dry crossed Commander Fox’s face, “He ask you to say that?” he grumbled but Headcase shook his head a second time.
“No, but he–he was scared you’d be mad. Don’t be mad, he’s nice.”
The commander sighed heavily and folded his arms over his chest, “I wouldn’t have to be mad if he’d quit causing trouble,” he muttered more to himself than Headcase, but then he huffed and rested his hands on his desk, clasping them together on its surface, “Don’t worry about Crow,” Commander Fox said, “He’ll be fine. I’m annoyed, but I’m not going to hurt him.”
Headcase let out a relieved breath, but Commander Fox spoke again, his voice a little lower, “Did somebody hurt you because they were mad?” he asked, “Is that why you’re worried?”
Did somebody–? Headcase frowned and looked up at the ceiling, searching the paneling for an answer, “I…” he mumbled, “I don’t…”
“You don’t remember,” the commander finished for him, sighing, “That’s fine, vod, don’t worry about it. I’m guessing you don’t remember much about your previous deployment, but do you remember your specialty? You guys normally have some idea of that kind of thing…”
“Hmmm, jetpacks…?” Headcase guessed after a moment, somehow that felt right.
The commander nodded, “A jet trooper then, well I’ll tell you right now not to worry about that, you won’t be on the line here.”
Headcase frowned at that, “Aren’t we supposed to fight?” he asked confusedly, tilting his head.
Again the commander sighed, but shook his head, “This is Coruscant, vod, not the front lines. Our job is to stop people from fighting. Nobody’s supposed to get hurt on Coruscant.”
“It…it’s safe?” Headcase mumbled, frowning even more, “Why are we here? We’re not s’posed to be safe…”
Something in Commander Fox’s expression pinched at that and he sighed, but stood again and walked around the desk to kneel down in front of Headcase, taking his hands gently in his own, “You’re wrong,” he said, but his voice was so soft and kind, “We deserve to be safe, all of us…but we can’t, not always. Even Coruscant is dangerous, but don’t worry, I’ll make sure you never get hurt. Trust me okay? If you trust me I can protect you.”
Headcase frowned, but squeezed the commander’s hands and his brother smiled at him, “I’ll–I’ll protect you too,” Headcase told him, if not a little haltingly, “Brothers should–”
There was something fond in Commander Fox’s face, “I’m the big brother,” he countered, “It’s the big brother’s job to protect all the little brothers, not the other way around.”
Somehow that didn’t…Headcase frowned even more, “Who’s gonna protect you?” he asked unhappily, but Fox just smiled at him and shook his head.
“I protect myself, I keep myself safe…and I have my own big brother, his name is Wolffe.”
Headcase sighed in relief, nodding, “Okay,” he murmured.
Commander Fox nodded in approval and squeezed Headcase’s hands back, “You’re my little brother, so you have to do what I say so I can protect you, Okay? I can’t protect you if you don’t listen to me, but I know you can. You troopers are always great at that.”
But Headcase shook his head, “I’m bad…” he mumbled, looking away, “I’m a bad soldier…”
“No,” Commander Fox denied, squeezing his hands again and tugging on them just a little, “Look at me, vod,” he said in the softest voice Headcase had ever heard. He turned his eyes unhappily back to his brother, but Commander Fox smiled at him warmly, “Good,” he praised, “Now listen to me. You’re not bad, whoever told you that was lying okay? I’m your big brother, so I won’t lie to you, I’ll tell you the truth, and I’m telling you right now that you’re good. You’re a good soldier.”
“Really?” Headcase asked him and the commander nodded firmly.
“Really,” he said, “I promise. I trust you to be good, because I know you are. I’m going to protect you. I’m going to have you talk to my friend, Sergeant Gus, and he’ll give you a nice job to do and brief you on our rules, but I need you to promise me something.”
“Promise…” Headcase mumbled, but Commander Fox nodded again.
“Promise me,” he repeated, “that you’ll never ever go outside. You stay inside the base so we can protect you. You’ve done so good, you’re the best ever, so you gotta stay inside so you can help us with your goodness. If you go outside you can’t help us.”
“I wanna help you,” Headcase told him seriously, “How do I help?”
Commander Fox smiled at him and it was so kind that Headcase couldn’t help but smile back. The commander reached up to brush his hand through Headcase’s hair and Headcase couldn’t help but lean into it, feeling warm, like Commander Fox was made of sunlight. “Talk to Sergeant Gus. He’ll tell you the perfect way to help us. You’ll do great, I know you will. Do you trust me? I’m your big brother.”
“Big brother…” Headcase whispered to himself, looking down at where Commander Fox held his hands, and then looking back up at his kind brown eyes, “Okay,” Headcase agreed, “But–but I wanna help. I-I know…uh…bones make blood, on the inside, and on the outside there's blood in your veins and arteries. Arteries are big veins, and if they get hurt you have to fix them to save the brother. You use a clamp…for a second and then sew it back together…a-and if you get too cold, 82 degrees…or-or less…your uh your fingers and toes hurt and you have to warm up your chest, but slow because if you do it too fast it hurts more…and–and if somebody hits their head you check if their eyes look funny, and ask questions so you know if they hurt their brain…”
The commander let out a quiet huff of laughter, “Who told you all that? I thought you were a jet trooper.”
Headcase looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember, “I…helped somebody…learn it…”
“Ah I see,” Commander Fox said, “One of your batchers must have been on the medic track. If I put you in the medbay would you be happy? You could help us, even if you’re not a medic yourself.”
“I could help?” Headcase asked him hopefully and Commander Fox nodded, giving Headcase’s hands one last squeeze before standing up and pulling up his vambrace.
“Stitch,” he said into it, “Can you come to my office?”
“Roger,” somebody said from the other end and Fox dropped his arm, leaning his hip back against his desk and folding his arms over his chest.
“You’ll help us,” he agreed, “I promise you that, vod. And if you need help, we’ll help you too, with anything. Just tell me or Stitch or Gus and we’ll help you right away.”
“And Crow?” Headcase asked and Commander Fox snorted, but smiled crookedly.
“Yeah,” he said, “He’s a di’kut, but I know he cares. If you feel bad or something bad happens, just tell a brother and we’ll fix it for you. Understand?”
Headcase smiled at him, even if it was a little wobbly, “Okay,” he agreed, “I’ll help a-and you’ll help too. We’ll all help.”
The commander smiled back at him and again it was so warm, “That’s right. We take care of each other. We always will.”
That sounded right somehow, so Headcase nodded and looked back up at the commander. Headcase felt all wrong in places, he still felt all wrong, but-but Commander Fox wouldn’t lie to him, so–so Headcase must not be bad, right? He wouldn’t lie.