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What else could he do, except run? Run like the coward he was, far away from where Hinako was standing in complete shock, her expression forever imprinted into his memory. It was the same when he revealed his feelings to his childhood friend, with his distasteful reaction now constantly replaying in the back of Kazui's mind like torture.
"That's disgusting."
"K-Kazui, wait! Dear, where are you going?!"
You wouldn't accept me. You shouldn't.
Letting go of her shaking hand, he fought back his pained sobs and turned away from her, running in the direction of upstairs. Everything was numb, his legs, his breathing, his mind clouded completely from the substantial amount of alcohol he had drank that same evening, and his breath reeked so much of the bitter taste of whiskey that it revolted him.
With each labored step, he had to take deep breaths while also resisting the urge to look back. She was following right behind him in this maze of lies he loved to frequent. Of course she would struggle finding her way, but he would know every twist and turn — he's the one who designed it after all.
Please, just leave me be. I don't deserve your mercy.
At the top of the stairs, he had finally found his refuge: their bedroom ironically. After slamming the door behind him, he stumbled towards the bed and felt his knees give in as he collapsed with his pained head in his hands.
"Hah…haha…" With his broken laughter came bitter acceptance of the facts because just sitting in this bed felt like absolute torture, right after he laid out the cruel truth for her. Did he deserve to share this comforting space with her in the first place? It was now tainted. Tainted with deception.
"I have never loved you romantically. I can only love men. Hinako, I-I'm sorry…"
"Sorry…?" It was laughable, his feeble attempt at damage control. Kazui continued to wipe the tears away from his eyes. "Sorry? For lying to you throughout our whole marriage? For using you? That's all your useless self could say?" He grabbed his hair roughly in frustration. "And now look at what you have done…"
Ruined everything with your own hands. Was this how the world would react if he came out with his true self? A naive part of him, the one that had stuck with him since he was a young boy, believed that there were people out there that would accept him. They wouldn't mock, or shame, or regard him with disgust. Instead, they would extend their graces towards a young child that didn't understand why they were hurt for simply being different.
This was a reminder of why he danced with lies throughout his entire life; lies comforted him, kept him safe from the rejection and the ridicule he fear deeply. Lies satiated his whole being, for he had been lying to himself ever since he was born.
But the truth? It was far uglier than he imagined. His childhood friend had backed away from him as if he was revolting to look at, and Kazui could feel his heart shatter in that moment.
What better way to play it off than claim it was just a joke? Surely that would help, right? His pointless damage control again. See? His friend just brushed it off as another horrible drunken ramble of his. Nothing noteworthy, nothing he needed to be wary about.
Just sleep. Sleep it off… He found himself lying on his designated side of the bed, curled up and horribly vulnerable. His hand could only reach out beside him in the empty space, reaching for something unattainable. She was not here, and the lingering memories of what happened earlier with the bartender were now acrid to him, drowning out the fondness he still held for the man that broke his fragile hear into two.
"…zui…!"
The banging from the door jolted him awake and made him take a sharp breath. Sobbing that pained him deeply and sounded clearer to him once he fought off his exhaustion. He could recognize that voice anywhere, after all.
"Please…open the door…I—" Hinako shuffled, and Kazui could tell she had gotten on her knees instead, presumably resting her head against the door frame. "I need to talk to you. About all of this…don't shut me out, please…"
Talk…to him? She wanted to talk to him? Not run away? It couldn't be true because the damage had already been done. If his childhood friend couldn't accept him, then how could his wife that he wounded so considerably?
And yet, what has she been doing this whole time, you idiot? he asked himself frustratingly, now staring at the doorknob in deep conflict. He was the one who continued to make her suffer, so wouldn't talking to her make it worse? Just like it always does when it comes to him?
But…Hinako… Knowing that she was desperately trying to get through to him, with the way her voice gave out to soft cries, he hated it. Hated hearing her in so much pain just because of his actions — it was practically unbearable.
He had to open that door and see her again because he didn't want to imagine a world without her. Was it absolutely selfish of him? Yes, but the thought of never seeing her again was a more terrifying reality. Almost stumbling to the ground, he weakly turned the knob and failed to catch the wall in time as his legs buckled, and he fell roughly into Hinako's embrace.
Maybe he looked pathetic to some people: a husband crying the arms of his wife was unheard of, and society would deem him a "failure" of a man for not being the stronger person in their relationship. But it just wasn't true. Hinako was far stronger than a coward like him could ever be.
"Hinako…!" He didn't want to let go. Letting go would mean facing the world alone.
A soft hand on his cheek snapped him out of his thoughts, now focusing on the woman in front of him. Behind her green eyes, there was always kindness from what Kazui always noticed about her. Hinako had the patience of a saint, but would she extend that patience to him? Give him the kind of grace a sinner would kill for?
But there was also hesitation; her own hands were still shaking, and Hinako felt more distant from him than usual. It was understandable though, given that he scared her with his breakdown earlier.
What can I say to you now… Kazui opened his mouth to speak, to try and let any semblance of a word come out, but there was nothing.
"Please tell me," Hinako begged him, her hands strongly gripping onto his arms in fear he might run away again. "Explain everything. Every detail, every thought. I want to know."
How laughable. He couldn't help but chuckle weakly at her ignorant words that surrendered him completely to his fate. "Hahah…I've already said it all…"
"So that means, Kazui…you…are…"
Face it. She will leave you too. He let himself be devoured by his sins again, his dance full of lies. "Yes…everything I said was true."
"You only love…men…?" she murmured, her voice unsure and confused. Hearing her acknowledge it herself was uncanny. Was his head playing tricks on him, or did he hear her correctly? Why was she not immediately repulsed by him?
He made eye contact with Hinako again, and he noticed her almost scanning him, eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. Just what was she thinking? "Yes…I have been like this since I was a child. You know that childhood friend of mine I brought to our wedding…"
Every word felt like a stab to his throat, not to mention seeing Hinako's eyes widen at him in realization didn't help his case. As the dreadful minutes passed, Kazui tried to prepare himself for absolute rejection. What a fool he was in thinking that Hinako would try and accept him after he completely disregarded her own feelings…
You horrible husband.
Eventually, she settled with hanging her head low, fists clenched. "You…never loved me?"
He flinched at hearing those words come out of her mouth. "No. I do love you. I just…hah…" Kazui choked out a broken laugh. "I can't love you the same way you love me."
Seeing Hinako's face contort into a variety of emotions was like torture; her brief shock, her overwhelming grief slowly turning into a quiet anger that Kazui knew he fully deserved — this was truly his most fitting punishment. "So when you officially asked me out, was it all because you wanted to use me for your status? For your own benefit…?"
He could not deny it; back then, it was the safest option for him, and if it had to be anyone, he wanted it to be her. Admittedly, that was what he understood the most in his torment of emotions: he still loved Hinako no matter what, and his lack of feelings towards her could never change that.
"But why…why me…? Was it because I was too gullible…?"
Why indeed? It broke his heart because it was never a hard question to answer. "No! It's because you're my best friend…! Which is why I…" Another deep breath. "I'm sorry I've failed you! I'm sorry that I'm broken, Hinako. I have lied to you throughout our whole marriage, and I couldn't keep any of my promises to you. That is the truth I have kept from you all this time…"
Hinako stayed silent for a moment. With her eyes still shadowed by her hair, the never ending quiet startled him, heightened all the senses he was feeling currently. This was unnerving, even more so than his wife's terrified expression earlier. Just what would she think of him after all of this?
"I…I don't know what to do, Hinako. I am selfish for this—"
"You are," she whispered, now finally lifting her face up to look at him, and Kazui caught his breath in his throat, his skin cold. In all their years of marriage, he had never seen Hinako so full of fury. Not when they were on the job together, and not when someone had hurt her personally. She was practically glaring at him with all of the anger she felt in this moment.
"Ah—" But what else did you expect… He looked away in shame. "You're free to take it out on me. I know I'm not normal, that I am disgusting for only being able to love men. So please," Preparing for the worst, he held his arms out to expose his torso. "Just do whatever you want to punish me."
"N-No…I won't do that either."
But you should. "H-Huh?"
"All of these feelings, these revelations…part of me wants to take it all out on you. I can't believe you…you lied to me for so long…" As Hinako forced out the words from her mouth, the bitter tears that threaten to fall down her soft cheeks were welling up in her green irises. "But…another part of me would hate to do that. Because despite everything," She then knelt down to his level to wrap her arms around his torso, bringing him close into an embrace. "Y-You still mean everything to me, Kazui…"
What…? Just what was this? Was he dreaming again? Yes, it had to be. He was still in the bed thinking of this impossible scenario, and when he would wake up, Hinako would be gone one way or another.
Quietly sobbing, she shook her head once she caught sight of his dazed expression. "Do you think you're dreaming…?" Her touch was as gentle as always, and Kazui felt all the weight come off his shoulders as Hinako held him close without judgment. To be cherished and accepted like this without punishment was unreal, and yet it was now the tangible reality in front of him. "This is real, Kazui. You are not disgusting. He was wrong about that."
"But Hinako…you should still hate me."
"I hate you for lying to me," she admitted bitterly, her tone wavering along with her words. "And I still can't decide if I can forgive you for it…"
Everything hurt. It hurt like hell but he couldn't accept this. Couldn't accept Hinako's mercy completely. "But even so…you're being too kind to me. Hinako, I hurt you, I ruined your life."
"And do you think I can just let you go? Seeing you hurt yourself like this…! For something that's just a part of who you are…?!"
He just couldn't believe it. Too stupefied to register what she was saying to him. But wasn't this what he should've expected from Hinako? The one with a strong and kind heart that still extended her hand out to him?
She stayed with you for this long, you shitty old man. Of course she loves you completely. Are you going to go and deny that? Deny her? Stop thinking about yourself for once. "Then what do I do…?"
"I…I don't know," she admitted, her expression conflicted. "But we will figure it out." She shifted her hands from his back up to his head as she began to caress his hair softly with her fingers. "I promise you. Even if it takes years, I don't want you to keep suffering like this."
"B-But…" he faltered with his trembling hands around her. "What can I do now…?"
Her answer was direct, as if it was the most simple request in the world someone had asked of him. Loosening her hug, she fought through her tears and held him by the shoulders. "You can live. Live for yourself, Kazui."
Live. If anything, he could at least fulfill that request, can't he? For her. Deep down, he felt he did not deserve it, but if his best friend could see meaning in his own shitty life, then maybe it was worth it. "Hah…Yeah…I guess that's true." A strained smile appeared at the corners of his lips, his typical trademark way of brushing things off. "I-I'm sorry…Hinako, I am so sorry…"
Her expression softened with concern as she shook her head. "Please don't force it…" Leaning forward to press her forehead against his, she sniffled and rested her head on his shoulder. "We can only wait for time now."
"Y-Yeah…" What else was there left to say, to two people who have been ruined? "Thank you, Hinako. For everything…" He didn't waste any second pulling her close while they shared a heavy silence between them. Even though tears still ran down his cheeks, there was a sort of comfort knowing that he wouldn't be alone.
That was all they needed. Time. Perhaps then, he would be able to witness a world where his true self could be more free.