Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

"What are you doing?!" Scott screeches at a huffing Stiles, hanging off the windowsill.

You're really doing this again?

"Sorry!" He says as Scott grabs his bicep and pulls him inside with one effortless swoop.

"I jus-I've been having—yea, just been having some nightmares again.." He says while I'm rubbing the back of his neck.

Nightmares? Is that what we're calling me now?

"Can't come over tonight; got some chores to do. I'll call you back later." Scott said to someone on the phone who he assumed was probably Allison.

Of course. He's busy. He has a life.

Stiles knew that he was burdening Scott a lot ever since he came back from his trip with Deaton, but Scott seemed to be the only one who could make the voices stop, the only one to block out the nogitsune. So Stiles was using any excuse to be closer to Scott.

And yet here you are. Clinging.

"You okay?" Scott said, jumping back into bed while looking at his phone.

Stiles didn't reply instead he climbed onto the bed with Scott, laying his head in his lap while curling his body involuntarily.

With Scott's gentle touch—playing with his hair, the constant taunting by the nogitsune, along with the looming shadow haunting him everywhere, instantly disappeared.

The extreme relief he felt made him woozy, his eyes fluttered, and he was about to get his first proper sleep in ages, if it weren't for Scott breaking the silence.

"Stiles, I know everything has been hard for you-with the nogitsune and everything—but don't you think it's time to move on? I mean, it's been a month. As soon as he heard those words, Stiles instantly shot up.

"What?" He said, looking at Scott in shock, "Ok, Scotty—I know-I know, Ya'know what nevermind? I get it. I've been a pain in the ass, I get it—I'm sorry. I should move on, and I know you already have a lot of things on your plate-Sorry! I'm blabbering." He gets up and starts jumping around trying to get his shoes on.

He's right. They can't coddle you forever.

"Stiles, you know that's not what I meant." Scott says his voice is suddenly a lot softer compared to his stern tone from before, "I just don't want the nogitsune to hold you hostage even after its death."

Oh, this should be good.

Stiles gives up after struggling to put on his shoes and sits down on a chair. If he knew how true he was.

The second he let go of Scott, the voices came back, just like always.

"Stiles? Are you listening? You know I care about you, I just want you to move on and be happy."

Stiles looks down at his hands, counting each finger. He counts ten individual fingers, even now he can't distinguish between what's real and what's not, so he resorts to counting his fingers. It has become sort of a habit.

Look around Stiles, this is your reality, and you can't do anything about it!

"Yeah, I'm listening, and maybe I'll start going to those group therapy sessions again.." He says fighting to keep his tears from spilling.

Group therapy? Bullshit.

"You should Stiles I really want you to get better."

"I should get going, tomorrow's our first last day ever!" He said it enthusiastically, trying to conceal his sadness. But he knew Scott would smell it in him anyway.

Nothing gets past those keen werewolf senses, does it?

"Wait, you can still stay the night!" Scott says to Stiles, who was quick to climb out the window.

"Bye Scotty!" He talks back, pretending to not hear him.

Great! We never needed him anyways.

When in his jeep, Stiles lets his tears spill, not only because of what just happened but also because he knows the voices and hallucinations are going to be at their peak now that Stiles is far from Scott.

When he reaches home, he dashes upstairs to his room, slamming the door behind him. He leans against it trying to catch his breath, his hands are shaking so bad he can barely shut it.

Well, that didn't go well, did it?

Stiles shuts his eyes tightly. "It's not real Stiles, it's all in your head." his voice cracks as he tries to block out the nogitsune and it did for work

For half a second.

Stiles opens his eyes to see the nogitsune sitting on his desk chair, staring right back at him.

That's rich coming from you.

He stumbles toward his bed, grabbing his headphones and clumsily trying to put on a song on max volume. Music is what he needed, something loud enough to drown out the noises.

The first song didn't even start before it spoke again.

We both know what Scott meant.

He wants you to stop burdening people. Stiles, he wants you to move on.

"Shut up, shut up!" Stiles says half screaming, half sobbing. He rips his headphones off and throws them across the room, they hit the wall with a loud crash.

Downstairs, he hears the front door open. "Stiles?" His dad calls out.

The nogitsune grins. Ah, saved by the sheriff.

"You okay buddy?" his dad says with a knock. Stiles looks back at the nogitsune as it vanishes. "Yeah," he says, rubbing his face, trying to get rid of the evidence.

His dad opens the door a crack, holding up a takeout bag and raising an eyebrow. "Brought fries"

Although the nogitsune is going to be mostly out of his vision for now, its voice is always going to be present, haunting Stiles.

Chapter Text

I was woken up by my alarm. I was surprised by the sight of my blood-soaked sleeves, I let out an annoyed sigh after remembering the events of the previous night.

I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, it was another nightmare. I had dreamed about the deaths I caused while I was possessed by the nogitsune, the pain he absorbed from Scott still makes me gag at the thought.

I dash to the bathroom sink, running the water over my sweaty face and hands. I look up at my reflection, but what stares back isn't just me but also the nogitsune looming over me.

Are you sure you aren't dreaming?

I wake up again screaming, still sweaty and nauseous. I waste no time in counting my fingers. Real, this time it's real.

You should really go to sleep Stiles, one nightmare shouldn't scare you that much!

Again, I walk over to my sink, splashing water in an attempt to calm my racing heart. I didn't want to sleep now, but I know the nightmares are the nogitsune's way of trying to mess with me. I can't let it control my life.

Another way of messing with me was showing up in mirrors.

Ever since it started showing up behind me in my reflections, I had started avoiding anything reflective as a whole, especially mirrors.

"Then shut up and let me sleep!" I say out loud, there was a high chance I'd wake up like this again, but I want to take the rather slim chance of maybe getting a few hours of sleep.

Thankfully my dad had a night shift most days, I don't want him to worry about me and my nightmares. Also, it's hard to hide the fact I'm talking to myself.

I get back into bed and look over at the blade sitting on my nightstand.

Do it.

Just because everyone says it's not your fault doesn't mean they don't blame you.

I huff and turn around, putting a pillow around my ears, trying to block its voice.

Come on just a little. Then I'll leave you alone and let you sleep.

You deserve it anyway for all the pain you caused others.

I give in and grab the blade.

Do you think you can get away with murder with no punishment?

It says in a more demonic voice, which makes me jump in fear.

I lay in bed silently crying while dragging the blade against my skin.

Go. Deeper.

In the end the nogitsune did not leave me alone, it has a special way of manipulating you into doing what it wants. I start handwashing my shirt, pissed at myself for listening to the nogitsune, it always makes me do this when I'm at my weakest.

Before Scott came back it was like this almost every night, most of the time I dig my hands into my palm, resisting the urge. Sometimes it's too strong to ignore.

Then I started running to Scott every time I had the urge.

Now it's going to be back to how it was because I can't constantly rely on him, not anymore.

I take a quick shower, trying to ignore the sharp sting, wrap some bandages around my hand, and rush to school.

Chapter Text

Stiles goes to school purposely late. Knowing the halls would be empty by the time he came, perfect for avoiding Scott and his friends.

He walks into his first class and spots Kira waving him over, he acts like he didn't see her and takes a spot in the front, something he would normally never do.

Ignoring pack now, are we?

Luckily no one he knew was in his next few classes, so Stiles kept his head down in the halls and rushed to every class, avoiding his pack as much as possible just as the nogitsune said.

He knew the nogitsune was starting to affect his life rapidly, outside of his head too, which is what made it worse. He noticed how he would snap at his dad for something the nogitsune said or how the lines between real conversation and the nogitsune's voice would blur.

The last thing that Stiles wanted was for his pack to be hurt by him or to find out that the nogitsune never left.

His dad keeps asking about his mental health, he doesn't know it's the nogitsune, the supernatural is the last conclusion his dad would come to.

Even if he did tell Scott, he feared that he would not believe him, thinking that Stiles was still traumatized from the nogitsune and it was all in his head, just like his dad.

As break rolled around, Stiles planned to stay in the library, but the odds weren't in his favor as he ran into Scott.

"Hey Stiles! Over here." Scott said, jogging over to Stiles.

How does he still have the nerve to approach you after last night? Wow!

"Heyy buddy, it's crazy how I missed you the entire day!" Stiles said with an awkward grin on his face.

Stiles, are you really going to talk to him after his grand betrayal?

Don't be pathetic.

"Yeah, I've been looking for you. Scott says as his smile falters into a more serious face. Listen, I'm sorry for the other day, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.."

Stiles lets out a chuckle, although his heart is racing. "No, haha, it's all good, besides I can't be using—"

Liar.

His voice caught in his throat.

Scott frowns, "Using what?"

Go on. Tell him. Tell him everything.

Stiles forces a smile, shaking his head. “—using that as an excuse forever, right?”

Scott studies him, probably listening to his heartbeat.

He doesn't believe you.

He never does.

Stiles awkwardly shifts the weight from his feet. "Come on! Let's go find the other!" He says while putting his arm around Scott. The voice of the nogitsune gets cut off, and Stiles calms down.

Scott and Stiles find the pack and sit down, but as soon as Stiles lets go of Scott, the voices slam back in his head.

There you are.

His breath stutters, he looks at the entire pack who's talking like everything's normal.

"Hey Stiles, come on, man, tell me what you've been up to!" Liam says, and everyone hums in agreement.

They all had been talking about their eventful summers, Scott's trip with Deaton, Lydia and Allison's multiple hikes, and Theo sharing his funny moments with Liam while he was trying to teach him to be more in control with his powers.

They had fun without you.

You aren't pack. They don't need you.

It was true, Stiles had isolated himself a lot this summer, the nogitsune seemed to control his entire life, and the voices would become so unbearable he had to cancel most of his plans.

"Same old routine, gaming!" he says awkwardly, running his hands through his hair. Everyone stared at him with a twisted expression, he couldn't tell whether it was annoyance or worry.

You're insignificant in their eyes.

What could possibly be worth hearing from a human like you?

"That's it? Why didn't you join us for pack meetings if you weren't busy with anything?" Lydia says in her usual condescending tone, Stiles knows she's just genuinely asking, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.

Look at that, would you? You should be disgust-

The voice instantly cuts off the second Lydia puts her hand on his.

Silence is so rare that Stiles flinches, he knows that the voices go away with Scott, but he didn't know it was the same with Lydia too.

That doesn't go unnoticed by Scott.

Although there's still a light hum in the back, at least he can barely distinguish the words. Stiles just hoped no one noticed his heart rate shooting up.

He flips his hand over and places a light grip on Lydia's hand, trying to savor the comfort. "Sorry! Didn't want to interrupt with my usual banter, ha ha.." He grins, wanting to lighten the mood.

"We want you there, Stiles," Scott says.

"Even with your sarcastic remarks," Allison spoke, giggling slightly.

Look at them pretending to put up with you.

Lydia had retracted her hand, now the voices are in their full glory.

"I swear I'll come next time."

Don't come. You don't need to burden them anymore.

A blatant lie he hoped had passed through everyone's wolf senses. Stiles grabbed Scott's wrist casually and let out a shaky breath, wanting to think clearly without the nogitsune's constant dialogue.

He let go for a split second.

You need him to think now?

Stiles drops his hands immediately. Big mistake.

You can't avoid me forever Stiles.

He flinches again, and this time Scott sees it.

"You good?" He says quietly.

"Yeah—yeah, I’m fine- actually just remembered I got some homework to submit, so-yeah, I'll see you guys later!"

He tries to hide his panic behind a fake grin. Scott grabs him and asks again. "Are you sure you're good?"

Stiles lets out a quiet huff. "I'm really fine."

Say it again.

Maybe if you repeat it enough, it'll become true.

"I said I'm fine!" he repeats, sharper this time.

Scott is taken aback at his tone.

There's a long pause.

They're scared of you.

Good.

Everyone is stunned as Stiles escapes Scott's hold and murmurs an apology before taking off.

Chapter Text

I watch Stiles quickly walk out of the room, and an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling settles in my stomach.

Does Stiles not trust me anymore after our conversation last night?

I'm still loathing myself for it, it's not about what I said, it's about my tone. I could have delivered it without making him feel like shit.

Stiles did really take the nogitsune to his heart, he had always been sensitive, but I didn't realize it traumatized him that deeply. I mean, it's gone. What could he possibly be scared of now?

"He seemed off today." Malia said, "His heart rate was all over the roof."

"Exactly, did I ever mention how he has been coming over because of his nightmares?"

"He still gets those?" Lydia replied with a concerned look on her face.

"Yeah, a lot. Yesterday I told him off about it since he had been coming over almost every night. I think he's still upset about that..."

"Scott, really? You know how hard the nogitsune has been on him." Allison said, giving me a disappointed glare.

"I know, I just wanted to spend more time with you," I say quietly. "I already feel bad enough."

There's a long silence before Malia speaks up again. "Are we not going to talk about the blood?" She says her voice deadpanned.

The rest of the pack knew better than to call it out—elevated heartbeat, smell of anxiety thick in the air, blood—we all ignored it in the sake of normalcy.

Not Malia, though. When it came to Stiles, she ignored nothing. He saved her, and that meant something.

"He probably fell on his face, as usual," Liam said, chuckling. His smile quickly faltered after Malia gave him a serious look.

"Listen, I'll talk to him after school. Convince him to attend therapy. "I had noticed his lie from last night, I couldn't ignore it.

As pack alpha, it was my duty to take care of everyone, so I better start doing my job right.

The end of the school day rolled around, and I was mentally preparing myself for what I was going to say to Stiles.

I see him next to his jeep fumbling around with the keys.

"Hey dude," I say, trying to act casual.

"Oh hi! You're early-or I'm early—one of us is early, I guess!" Stiles said with nervous laughter.

I was cut off by Stiles as he spoke again.

“Look, I’m—I’m sorry, okay?” he blurts out and stands there with his shoulders tensing.

"Earlier. I didn’t mean to snap at you, I just—” He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. "Things are just… a lot right now.”

I can hear his heart beating erratically, rising in between words. I wonder why.

“Yeah, I figured,” I say, kinda softer now.

“Look, I know I was kind of an asshole last night, so I'm sorry about that."

He lets out a small laugh, but it’s not really funny. “It's all good, man! I mean, you actually did encourage me to get better, you know? like move on."

Stiles slightly shuddered after he said it, but surprisingly he wasn't lying about it, so I let it go.

All pack members suddenly popped up behind; they probably eavesdropped on the entire conversation, so no need to catch them up about it.

"Woah! Couldn't come to the pack meeting, so you brought it to me. Awesome!" Stiles says, giggling profusely.

"Shut up, don't you have to get lunch with your dad?" Lydia says, rolling her eyes.

"Oh right! How'd you know?"

"You told me…" Lydia mutters while watching him drive off.

I'm left standing there with the rest of the pack. Theo breaks the ice.

"He seem okay?" He says it as everyone looks at me, waiting for my reply.

"I guess so…I can tell the nogitsune's still bothering him, but he's looking to get better."

"His heart beat was really high and irregular, though."

"It's probably not related to the nogitsune, Stiles is hyperactive anyway." Allison says as everyone hums in agreement. Except Malia, who looked skeptical.

I try to brush it off, but something still feels off.

His heartbeat. The way he's always tense, like he’s bracing for something that never comes. Or something that already did.

What is he carrying that's so heavy? Something he can't even tell me?

I tell myself he's okay.

I have to.

Chapter Text

It's been a week since I had that conversation with Scott and after that I noticed how the pack kept a closer eye on me, but other than that, they suspected nothing.

You think I'm some sort of dirty little secret?

How childish.

Now that I'm not spending all my time cooped up in my room, the nogitsune does seem more like a dirty secret I have to keep hidden, less like a supernatural creature a thousand years old haunting me.

I'm starting to think maybe it is all in my head.

I come home, exhausted. I haven't slept in 2 days, oddly, the sleep deprivation helps. Being so euphoric makes the voices more muffled, lighter even. Like the nogitsune is at the back of my head instead of being on the front lines, attacking me with its sharp voice.

You should rest, Stiles. You've got a long day ahead of you.

I see a dark shadow from the corner of my eye, the nogitsune loves to show up when it wants something from me, but I know better than to listen.

I might be able to get five or six hours of sleep (not counting the nightmares), but the consequences would be dire, and I would regret it in any case. So I rather get ready for my long night ahead.

"Stilinski! What did I tell you about sleeping in class!" A voice shouts above my head.

I jolt awake with my head throbbing. Oh no, did I doze off? But instead of waking up in my bed, I was shocked to wake up on my desk in school.

I almost had enough time. Don't worry, you'll slip up again.

The nogitsune's voice booms in my head, back to how it was.

How did I end up here? The last I remember was being in my room.

I glance around, utterly confused. I stare at Scott wanting answers, but I only get a worried expression from him, but then I see it—my notebook covered in text.

WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

Then I flip a page. It has different handwriting, sloppier, not mine.

IT'S MY TURN.

My stomach drops, and suddenly all the gears in my head start turning.

"No…" I say quietly.

"What was that? Why don't you come up and read for us, Stilinski!" Coach says, calling me to the front. I walk to the front, my legs feeling like jello.

I stand in front of everyone, my hands sweating and gripping the bookrest tightly. I try to piece together the words, but all they spell out is 'Wake up.'

You're learning, aren't you?

The nogitsune says, quietly laughing at me.

With the nogitsune's voice loud and sharp, just like before, that was my breaking point.

My hands start shaking, my vision blurs, and the room feels too small. This cannot be happening, not here, not right now.

Can't even handle the truth, tsk. I expected more from you.

Before I can fall to the ground, a pair of strong arms stabilizes me. It's Scott. He leads me out of the room and brings me into the bathroom.

Scott coming to your rescue yet again. Are you that helpless Stiles?

I grip the edges of the sink, running water all over my face, avoiding the mirror. I sit down against the wall, tears streaming down my face.

"Dude are you okay?" Scott says, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"I-I think I'm having a panic attack." He takes a step back, not knowing what to do.

Weakling.

"It's okay just breathe."

"I'm trying!" I say, raising my voice, although I instantly regret it. The walls seem to be closing in around me, and the nogitsune's voice is thumping in my ears, making it even more suffocating.

You're not trying hard enough.

I clasp my hands against my ear, pulling my hair in the process, anything to block the voices.

"Stiles—hey, look at me."

I lift my head slightly, vision still blurry.

"Just breathe, alright? In and out."

I try to match it. In and out.

"That's it," he says, his voice much softer now. "You're okay. You don't have to fight it."

My chest tightens, and now I'm full-on panicking.

Careful, Stiles.

You trust him too much.

"Scott?" A pause.

"I'm right here."

My head snaps up. Scott is right in front of me now, much closer than before. His hands are hovering over my shoulders like he doesn't know if he should touch me, the nogitsune's dark shadow hovering behind him.

I hate myself for not knowing who I should fear more.

I quickly scramble away from him, jumping to my feet.

"Why-why would you say that..?" I shake my head, backing away from him to the door.

Scott never helps you.

"I just told you to breathe," he frowns. "You're freaking out."

He just makes it easier for me.

"Stop! Don't—don't do that!"

Scott's expression twists. "Do what, Stiles?"

My breathing is irregular and rapid, my heart beating too fast.

"Don't help him…" I whisper while counting my fingers, but this time I hope it's a dream.

"What are you talking about? Come on, you have to talk to me."

You see it now, don't you?

“Stiles,” Scott says carefully, like I might break if he talks too loud. “I’m trying to help."

Help. My stomach twists.

"Yeah right." I let out a shaky laugh.

I finally look him in the eyes, really look at him. He looks normal, confused, and concerned.

Don't let him fool you.

But he did sound wrong.

Or maybe I heard wrong?

How can you see the truth and deny it anyway!

Scott is not who you thought he was. Accept it.

He takes a step closer to me, and I back away. The expression on his face broke me, but I still walked away.

"I-1 should go."

"Stiles, wait!" Scott shouted, following me out the door. "You're not okay, so just talk to me and tell me what's wrong!"

Do not trust him.

"Drop it, okay? I'm fine—I just need some fresh air." He catches up to me and grabs my arm. I flinch. He notices and drops my arm immediately.

Scott hesitates. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

Say no.

"No." I say rather aggressively and push past him.

Good.

I walk out of the building, my eyes slightly stinging from the cool air directly hitting them. I sit down on the edge of the pavement, too tired to cry.

I finally figured out its game. Every time I close my eyes, I lose something.

The nogitsune's voice getting quieter wasn't just a coincidence, It was waiting.

The less I sleep, the less it gets.

Smart.

"Shut up," I mutter.

But not smart enough.

Why would Scott say that? How does he know about the nogitsune? I was clinging on to the idea that if I told him, he'd help me. Instead-

"I am helping you."

I freeze, that sounded like Scott, but when I look around, no one's there.

"Scott?" I call out.

He's not here, Stiles.

A cold breeze passes, making me shiver. It sounds like him, too much like him.

I squeeze my eyes shut and tremble in fear because I don't know which words were Scott's and which ones were the nogitsunes.

Now the total gravity of my situation sets in. How do I know if anything that Scott said is true at all? What if everything and everyone I know is altered by the nogitsune?

Every conversation, every word, I rethink it. I try to distinguish between what's true and what's not, but the further I go back, the harder it gets.

The nogitsune has no known limit, so to what degree has it already gotten to me?

Chapter Text

Stiles covers his ears, and while pulling his hair, I look at him helplessly. I can smell the fear and anxiety on him, but I don't understand it. I mean he used to get panic attacks after his mother's death and obviously during the nogitsune, but why now?

Something happened that made him be like this, but he won't talk to me about it.

"Stiles—hey, look at me."

He looks up at me, his tear-stricken and panicked expression breaks my heart.

I crouch down right in front of him, but his vision stays locked in the same place.

"Just breathe alright? In and out."

I watch him slowly breathe in and out, his heart rate finally slowing down.

"That's it," I say softly. "You're okay."

Stiles's eyes widen as he sinks into himself, panicking just like before.

I wanted to hug him so bad, but seeing him back away, almost like he's afraid of me, made me hesitate to touch him at all.

"Scott?"

"I'm right here." His eyes finally look at me, but he doesn't find comfort in them anymore instead he looks at them in horror.

Then his eyes widen in shock as he looks at something over my shoulder.

Just as I was about to ask him what's wrong, he gets up on his feet hastily.

"Why-why would you say that…?" he says, backing away from me.

"I just told you to breathe." A deep frown settles in my face. "You're freaking out."

I'm perplexed because I thought I said nothing wrong, and I don't understand why he's looking at me with so much fright.

I want to grab him and shake him hard and ask him why. Doesn't he know that I would never hurt him?

"Stop! Don't do that!" He says loudly.

"Do what, Stiles?" It's taking everything in me to stay calm. What did I do that made him so agitated and scared?

He turns his back on me and looks at his hands maniacally. I can't understand what he's doing, but I do hear him whisper.

"Don't help him.." The more he speaks, the more I'm puzzled.

"What are you talking about? Come on you have to talk to me." My voice sounds whiny, but it doesn't matter to me anymore, he's talking about something I have no context for.

"Stiles," I say carefully. "I'm trying to help."

"Yeah right." he says, laughing slightly.

It's painful to hear that when I genuinely mean it.

I try to step closer to him, but he backs away and walks out the door.

"I-I should go."

"Stiles, wait!" I shout at him while following him out the door, the more he avoids me, the more frustrated I get.

"You're not okay, so just talk to me and tell me what's wrong!"

"Drop it, okay? I'm fine—I just need some fresh air." I can tell that's bullshit just by listening to his heartbeat. I catch up to him and grab his arm to stop him, but Stiles flinches, which makes me let go and drop it promptly.

I'm swarmed with guilt, so I decide to let him go instead of pushing it.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"No." He says with a hostile tone and pushes past me

I watch him walk away regretting every second. Every instinct in me is screaming to go after him. I can't let him leave, not like this. I take a step forward and then stop.

He flinched—he looked at me with horror and dread in his eyes. That specific look on his face replays over and over again.

I feel my fangs and claws stretch out of my bones, yet I curl my fingers into a fist, drawing blood. Never have I lost control like this after becoming a true alpha, but I can't help it

I could catch up to him in seconds, make him stop, and force him to talk.

But again, I remember how scared he was, scared of me.

My jaw tightens as I force myself to stay where I am. I don't like not knowing what's wrong, not knowing how to fix it, especially when it's something related to Stiles. I punch a locker in frustration, making a dent.

And I definitely don't like the way he looked at me, like I was the problem.

Just then the bell rang, and I transformed back before hundreds of students came swarming the halls.

If Stiles needed space, then that's what I was going to give him.

"Hey, what's up?" Kira says, walking up behind me.

"Nothing—actually Stiles has been acting really weird."

I didn't even notice Malia and Lydia coming up to me.

"What do you mean?"

"He was supposed to read in class but he almost fell so I lead him out …" It's unexpectedly hard to find the words to piece together such a bizarre experience. It's bizarre because this is so unlike Stiles.

Malia shoots daggers at me, threatening me to continue.

"He was having a panic attack." I say matter-of-factly.

"Again?" Malia says while looking at Lydia, who's deep in thought.

"No, I mean yes—but this was different."

"Different how?" Kira frowns.

I take a deep breathe before talking.

"One moment he was calming down but the next he was looking at me like he didn't trust me, like he was scared."

"Weird. Did you say something to him?" Malia says, taking a step closer to me.

"Not that I know of; I just told him to breathe, but then he started panicking!"

"He told me not to help him, like I was helping someone else …" For a second I doubt that they even believe me.

"That makes no sense."

"Unless it does," Lydia says whispering, being a banshee, she always knows something we don't.

"You think it's the nogitsune?" Kira says, looking horrified.

"No, guys, this goes farther than the nogitsune. Deaton made sure the nogitsune would leave no side effect on Stiles, so it has to be something else."

"Maybe he's losing it." Malia spoke what we all were too afraid to say.

Kira nudges her but Malia just gives her a 'what?' look.

I truly wanted to disagree but I had no valid argument against it.

Liam hurriedly runs up to me out of breath.

"Scott! Something's wrong with Allison."

Chapter Text

You really thought Scott would be on your side?

You fool!

I already have Scott and your little pack in the palm of my hand.

Nobody's coming, Stiles.

But I'm here.

So why won't you let me in?

I want to be as far away from Scott as possible, but I also can't be alone right now.

Anyone but Scott.

Malia… She wouldn't lie to me.

I push the double doors open, the walls spinning as I rush past people whose faces have contorted into monstrosities. The voices seem to bounce around in the hallway, echoing endlessly.

Accept me as a part of you, Stiles.

Spiders crawl and dance around in my vision as everything blurs.

I am you, you are me.

I finally find the pack and rush to Malia.

"Malia—I need-I need a—" I gasp, wanting any physical touch, even just a little, to stop the voices.

"Stiles." Theo interrupts sharply, grabbing my arm and blocking my line of vision. "Whatever it is, it can wait."

I looked behind him to see Allison on the floor crying, and I instantly understood.

The darkness from the oni that attacked her still resides in her, causing surges in her mood to anger or sadness

They still blame you for it.

In a literal sense I would be the one to blame for it, so it's only normal for her to fear me... She still suffers chronic pain from the injury, which doesn't help my case.

Allison sees me and instantly starts shaking even more. They notice and give me an irritated look, even though they try to conceal it.

Rapid glances are thrown between me and her.

Every move of mine causes her to shake even more.

"Stiles—back up."

Even they think you're a monster.

I see Scott holding her in his arms, and suddenly my guilt is replaced by resentment. I shrug off Theo's grip and step away.

Malia shakes her head and mouths, "Not right now."

"It's best if you go."

"Okay." I turn away before I say anything I might regret later.

They only care when it's not you.

Just as I turn a corner, I get slammed into the wall by none other than Scott, his face mere inches from mine.

"Stiles, really?"

"You push me away, but go to them?"

The voices finally stop. I almost don't notice Scott's hand on the back of my neck or the other one firm on my arm.

I get to enjoy the silence for a few seconds before I rip away from him like he's on fire.

"Come on, Stiles, what did I even do wrong?" he scoffs arrogantly, I can tell he's losing his patience.

He acts like he cares.

"Save it." I mutter to both of them.

"I should be back there with Allison, but I came because I couldn't stand you sulking as if you had no one! I'm here, and I have been here for a while!"

Are you supposed to be grateful?

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to be grateful to you for the heroic act of leaving Allison for a few seconds!" I say, rambling.

"You know that's not what I meant." His voice, once loud, is now hushed.

"Whatever! I do not care!" I said extenuating the not.

I try to walk away, but Scott blocks me against the wall using his arms.

"Why are you blocking me out?" He said, and I briefly forgot about everything that had happened. I just wanted to talk to my best friend like before.

But ever since the nogitsune had opened my eyes to who Scott really is, I can never fully erase it.

You're catching on quick.

"I dunno Scott, why are you blocking me in?" I say referring to basically being trapped against the wall by him.

"Young men! Get to class!" A voice echoes in the hallways. I'm almost surprised it's not the one in my head.

Only now have I realized that my hot rage actually stopped my panic attack.

"Yes sir." Scott says while dropping his arm. Before he walks away he gives me a flash of his red eyes, a warning, I assume.

Egoistical prick isn't he?

I walk out to my jeep, too sick of everything to care about my poor attendance.

My face is hot as furry boils in me, Scott McCall isn't the only one to flash his colored eyes. I watch my face in the rearview mirror, my eyes that flash a rich silver for a mere moment.

It's a gift Stiles.

I don't know why or how they're like this, but I'm sure the nogitsune has something to do with it. I can't even find any information about it in the bestiary.

I savagely turn on my ignition, too angry to think; my destination seems to be nowhere.

I mean, how can they push me away when I needed them the most, for Allison? It's because they don't care! I know she needed help too, but I don't feel like thinking logically right now. And Scott, my best friend of a million years, is actually helping with the person that is actively ruining my life! I'm not the real enemy, Stiles. I just want this person or thing to get out of my head.

My train of thoughts are broken off by a sudden recognition.

The road seemed normal—then, suddenly, I realized how far I had gone. My stomach dropped when I saw that I was heading straight off a cliff.

My hands froze on the wheel, but panic surged in, and I turned the wheel around, crashing with a tree in the process.

The collision creates a loud noise while my head violently slams against the wheel.

For a second there, I felt nothing but pure pain. Then silence.

It's not peaceful silence, it's the silence so empty that it's haunting.

I blink and I'm standing in the middle of the school hallway again, the buzz of the fluorescent lights feeling too loud.

Only this time I'm alone. No Scott. No Malia. No Allison. Just me.

"See?" a voice comes from behind me. "Nobody came."

I jump and turn around too quick.

The nogitsune's dark figure stands there casually, I walk towards it, and I'm horrified to see my own face staring back, except the eyes are soulless with a permanent silver.

"You're not real." I say, although my voice is hoarse.

"Neither is this." It gestures to the hallways.

A thick black liquid starts seeping in from the floors and walls, and screams begin to echo off the walls, piercing my eardrums.

"Stop this!" I drop down to my knees while wailing.

The nogitsune crouches down in front of me and points at something.

"Why don't you ask them for help?"

At the end of the hall, Scott appears, holding Allison while she cries on his shoulder, the rest of the pack is present too.

I get up and try to run towards them, every step feeling heavier than the last. I give up, exhausted, when I realize the hall just stretches further.

"Hey!" I yell, and Scott finally glances up, he gives me a merciless look and turns his back on me.

"Why do you keep choosing them?" I say letting out a sob.

"No, they keep choosing each other." I hear the nogitsune walking up from behind me.

"But I'm still here." It announced as the ground opens up into a dark abyss.

I keep falling for eternity before it abruptly stops.

I gasp as I'm caught in someone's arms. The darkness completely encompassing me.

"Scott?" I say my voice weak.

I look up at his face to find him staring ahead, wide-eyed, something I can't turn around to see.

His grip tightens.

"Stiles.." he says in a monotone voice. A chill runs down my spine at his voice, it sounds too flat, just wrong.

"Wake up before they get you too."

"Wha-?" I don't even get to finish my sentence before someone yanks him off, his fingers brushing mine, before he disappears into the darkness.

A pair of silver eyes appears in the distance, slowly glowing a little brighter until they fully flood my vision, blinding me in the midst of it.

I finally jerk awake, my heart pounding in my ears.

Pain shot up in my head the second I tried to lift it up, although there was no wound, the pain was prominent.

Bile rises in my throat, and after I throw my guts up, I realize I have been blacked out for almost an hour, so I start rushing to cover up what just happened and head home before my dad starts worrying.

I get up and try to fix the car's exterior damage but give up after fumbling with the tools for too long.

"Fuc—" I try to yell, but the wave of nausea that hits me makes me instantly stop, as a substitute, I chuck my wrench into a bush.

I exhale shakily, "This is useless."

The world tilts again, and in the dark forest, I catch the nogitsune's silhouette with its silver eyes, watching me. And that's my cue to leave.

I stagger to the driver's seat, knowing I have to get home before something worse finds me.

I drive home in a daze, and after giving up on trying to hide the damage, I decide to hide my jeep somewhere out of my dad's sight, or anyone's at all.

The next day, I thought of the whole trip as a fever dream instead of something that really happened.

Chapter Text

My phone buzzes from texts and calls the second I get home.

Malia: Where are you?

Malia: Can't find you in the lunch hall.

Malia: If you left early, why didn't you just tell me?

Malia: Did you want to tell me something?

It's frustrating how oblivious she is to some things, I can't help but be mad at her too.

Scott's texts pop up on my screen, I almost ignore them.

Scott: Stiles, I know what this is about.

Scott: Let's all talk, we'll fix it. Just come back.

My phone buzzes again, and I resist the urge to throw it out the window.

Scott: Don't do anything stupid.

I silently laugh to myself, too late.

The night sky was deep navy blue, scattered with glitter, which I assumed were stars.

I squint up at the sky. "Wait it's like Elmer's glue!"

"Like—the one we used for our science fair project!" I say, giggling to myself. I enjoy the subtle cooling effect I get as I'm lying flush with the surrounding grass and weeds.

Who are you talking about?

"Scotty duhh!"

You're still thinking about him?

"Noo never!" I yell while exaggeratedly throwing my arms up in the air, bottle still in hand. "But I-I remember…" I get up gawkily, propping myself up on the tree stump.

"Right here! We got drunk together." His cheerful mood suddenly soured.

"Technically it was only me-y'know cuz he's a werewolf and stuff." I mumbled to myself.

The nogitsune's shadow appears amidst the trees, but I don't cower in fear anymore. I wave to it with a cheeky grin on my face.

You have me and that's all you need.

"Yeahh!" I happily chose to forget all my previous worries and concerns about the nogitsune. I don't know whether it's the alcohol, but the nogitsune is a good friend to me, calmer even.

Maybe accepting it as a part of me didn't seem so bad.

"Fuck Scott!" I walk to the road, feeling a warm buzz in my head, which for the first time is not the uncomfortable type.

"And fuck everyone else too!! Whoo!!" my voice stretches across the empty road as I twirl in the middle of it carelessly.

The nogitsune just watches me without saying a word, and I'm surprisingly agitated. I have started to expect responses from him and without his voice it's eerily silent.

I throw my glass bottle at it angrily, but I'm disappointed to see it pass through him, crashing into pieces.

And the nogitsune's shadow disappears promptly, making me realize how utterly alone I am, standing in the middle of nowhere.

"Wai-wait! Come back!" I lump forms in my throat as I stumble forward, trying to catch it to no avail.

"No, no, no, don't, don't do that."

The silence hits me like a truck as everything slowly starts spinning. "Stop it!" I shout into the trees, spinning around like he might reappear.

"This isn’t funny—just—just come back!"

Tears escape my eyes slowly and deliberately, dripping down my face.

"You said—you said I had you!" My voice is the mix of a sob and a scream. "You can’t just leave!"

I put my hands on my knees trying to level my breathing.

Then suddenly I see headlights coming towards me and loud rock music blasting everywhere: extremely out of place.

"Yo—the hell was this guy doing?" A guy in the driver's seat snickers loudly.

I just look at them, mouth still wide open and my entire face still wet from crying.

"Yeah he was totally freaking out just now!" Some guy at the back yells.

"No-I was jus—" I was cut off by some guy grabbing my arm and pulling me closer.

"Dude what did you take?"

"Nothing!" I wince at how defensive I sound. There's a stretched out silence before they all burst out laughing, presumably at me.

The door flies open and they yank me inside.

"Come with us to a party!" They all cheer but drive off before letting me answer. I don't know if I was drunk or just feeling reckless, but I let them and obediently sat in the car.

Chapter Text

Flashing lights and music so loud it thumps in your entire body—just what Stiles had expected, he didn't mind it though, only because his primary goal was getting even more wasted.

He grabs a red Solo cup, filling it to the brim with some cheap drink. The place is packed with sweaty and drunk bodies, some slightly recognizable.

For Stiles, everything is in slow motion, every move feels delayed, and he's freezing. His body slightly trembles as he literally starts craving warmth.

He didn't remember drinking being this shitty, just a second ago it felt like he was on top of the world, but now the world didn't even make sense anymore.

It didn't take him much effort to figure out it's connected to the nogitsune's disappearance. In all those days of wanting the nogitsune gone, he didn't expect it to be so painful—the silence pierces through his head as if it were a loud sound.

He takes a big sip of his drink and starts to move through the crowd. Bodies move around him like a tide, shoving as music covers everything, he doesn't think or feel, drifting through people who don't even notice him.

He realizes how little his value actually is, he's nothing, just another body drifting through. Without the nogitsune, he had no one, he was just the idiot crying on the road and in a party—alone.

The weight of its disappearance was heavy, it was much easier to trust the nogitsune and acknowledge it than be alone.

At first he thought the nogitsune made him distant from everyone out of pure malice. But now, it felt different. Like it had been protecting him all along, it understood him in ways no one else did.

It was too late to listen to it now, he just wished he didn't fight back.

He reaches the end of the crowd, into an open space with the same group of guys on the couch.

"That's the fucking guy I was talkin about!" A guy gestures to some girls who look him up and down.

"I'm the fucking guy." His words were extremely slurred with a weird accent to them. A loud laugh booms in the room as Stiles stands there dumbfounded.

"He's drunk as shit man!"

Stiles ignores them and plops onto the couch, he had become so dependent on the nogitsune giving him snarky replies he forgot how to do them on his own.

Suddenly a thick joint is placed one centimeter away from his face. "Want some weed dude?"

He had never gotten high before, no particular reason why, but since he spent most of his time fighting supernatural creatures, doing drugs wasn't really on his agenda.

Stiles suddenly remembered the time he promised Scott to get high together but then immediately pushed that memory aside, deciding to accept the guy's offer.

"Yeah, suree!" he said, getting a rush of excitement.

He took one long drag, the alcohol giving him a confidence boost. He tried to pass it back but was shrugged off, so he continued.

At first the smoke just burned in his throat, making his eyes water, and he almost laughed to himself, like that's it?

Then it settles. The room tilted slightly, not spinning but as if it had been pushed just a little out of place.

The music faded into the background, now comfortably in sync with his body, he couldn't differentiate between his heart beating and the thump of the music.

Something shifted in the atmosphere and Stiles was pleased to see the nogitsune appear again, sitting next to him.

He held his breath, scared that he would leave again.

You look terrible.

A smile spreads across his face as relief blossoms in his chest, knowing he's finally back.

He leans his head back on the couch, chuckling slowly. "Well—yeah," he mutters, the words starting to echo in his head. "You weren't here to help." his voice is almost a whisper.

You made quite a mess without me.

Stiles' eyes flutter as the room blurs. Everything and everyone seemed irrelevant and distant now.

The freezing feeling finally disappears, replaced by something warm and comforting. Stiles closes his eyes again, enjoying the solace.

"Don't—leave again," he says, mumbling. "Please."

I won't.

And just like that, everything settled, and Stiles almost drifted into sleep.

"Not usually your scene." A voice comes from outside his head.

Stiles eyes flutter open, and it takes him a second to adjust properly—everything still lagging. Then it sharpens, he sees Theo towering over him, his face showing an amused look.

"…Theo?"

This should be interesting.

Stiles quietly laughed at that. "Hey-hi," Stiles says, curling the half-smoked blunt in his fist, feeling embarrassed for letting him see him in such a state.

Theo immediately noticed, his face still showing a stoic expression.

"Stiles, what are you doing?" Theo says dropping the nonchalant act and letting out a big sigh.

"Partyin'…just normal—normal teenage stuff to do without your werewolf best buddies..I guess."

He lets out a quiet laugh but it comes a second too late, his fingers loosen around the blunt, which Theo promptly snatches out of his hand.

"You—" Stiles tries to get up, but a wave of nausea hits him. "You're—you're judging me right now." He angrily says, pointing his finger accusingly.

"Your dad's worried sick about you." He says while pulling him to his feet and dragging him by the arm.

Stiles immediately feels repulsed by Theo's touch, like a part of him is being ripped away, the silence haunting him.

"Don-Don't touch me!" he spits out viciously and pulls his arm back to his side.

He trips and catches himself on a chair, a searing pain in his head causing him to lose his balance. Everything whirls around again; Theo's voice inaudible briefly.

"Stiles! Stop being so stubborn." Theo shrieks, with the laughter of some people around them, his face was getting hot with embarrassment.

Stiles noticed and looked around hastily, every face twisting into dark, creepy smiles, making him cower in fear, and with the walls closing in around him—he pushes past Theo, stumbling his way out the house.

The cold air hits him like a truck, the world spinning as if he were the only constant. A voice, low and familiar, whispers from every direction.

You feel it, don't you?

You feel it, don't you?

You feel it, don't you?

Stiles looks around for a source, even though it's likely coming from inside his head, the voices echoing only inside the walls of his own head.

A space for me inside you was shaped the day you were born.

His hands shake and his breathing is uneven, everything spins again once more, and he falls backward, using his arms to prop himself up.

"What?"

Before he could get a reply, a pair of hands, firm and real, helped him rise on his feet.

"God, how much did you drink?" Theo asks, concerned for how much he's panicking, his eyes flicker over him, looking for an answer.

Stiles tries to answer, but the words don't form right, his mind still racing with questions, yet he was too scared to listen to the nogitsune answer.

His gaze falls on the shadow behind Theo's shoulder—which is flickering closer and closer every time.

Theo noticed the shift in Stiles instantly, his grip tightens.

"Okay. We're leaving." He doesn't ask twice. He hooks an arm under Stiles's shoulder, steadying him as his legs slowly give out, and starts pulling him to his car.

Stiles staggers, the world still warping around him.

They get inside the car as Stiles slumps in the passenger seat, dreading reaching home.