Chapter Text
2021
They used to be something.
Gaeul remembered everything. The little details. The kind that she kept inside her heart forever, where it was protected by her fragile soul.
She remembered how they first met. How their parents told her to take care of Wonyoung because she was younger. She remembered how their relationship slowly grew, how it became precious, important, intimate. The kind that made her feel things that she never felt before.
Wonyoung grew up to be prettier than all the girls in their batch. Gaeul remembered a time when that didn’t matter to Wonyoung. Back then, what mattered was that they were together, they weren’t separated, and that nothing was more important than their friendship.
Gaeul remembered when that friendship became something more than that.
In the garden of their house, underneath the tree her grandfather planted many years ago, shoulders touched, fingers were laced together, hushed words, and brown eyes that started to mean something more.
For a moment, Gaeul thought that Wonyoung felt the same.
Because she was always there, always close to her, always choosing her like it was as simple as breathing.
It was scary, but a part of her believed that it was fine because there was nothing to worry about when they had each other. Wonyoung told her that. Gaeul couldn’t remember if it was a promise portrayed in her words. But it mattered that she felt it.
Until it slowly disappeared.
Until Wonyoung didn’t look back.
Until Gaeul was desperate to remember what it felt to be held by her.
Until she was told that she wasn’t enough, she wasn’t prettier, she wasn’t smarter.
Wonyoung was better. Prettier. Smarter.
She remembered how it felt.
Wonyoung walked forward, away from Gaeul, and never looked back.
Her Wonyoung. Her Wony. Now a distant memory.
Gaeul wasn’t sure how to live her life like this. Where she was left with nothing, left with no one but herself.
She never asked why, never fought for it, never questioned Wonyoung. Because she wouldn’t be a good friend if she didn’t think that Wonyoung was having a hard time as well. Wonyoung had important things to deal with. The pressure she had from her parents, the expectations, the comparisons to her older sister.
Gaeul told herself that she was going to be fine. She was going to simply allow it, and that she just needed to adjust, and figure out what to do with whatever she had left. She had to constantly tell herself that she was going to be fine.
Even if it wasn’t.
But she had to. She had to learn how to live like she was fine, or else she was going to lose herself too.
Gaeul was already at the side, watching the crowd go wild as the ceremony ended.
Everyone was loud, they had parents and friends with them, they took an endless amount of pictures. The sun of the late afternoon was starting to set, the golden rays blessing the entire place.
A part of her wished that this was going to make her feel better. That once she stepped out, she was going to stop feeling like there was something missing. Maybe if she stayed a little longer, watched people a little longer, allowed her heart to feel a little longer, then she might get the closure she needed.
It didn’t.
Even if she wasn’t going to admit it, her eyes were searching. Through the sea of velvety blue, through the familiar yet unfamiliar smiles, listening to the sounds of their cheerful and tearful words. She still tried to look for her.
She really shouldn’t be doing this.
But then she felt foolish. Because it wasn’t difficult to find Wonyoung. She was surrounded by almost everyone. Her parents, her big sister, the friends that replaced Gaeul. Her neck was wrapped in so many medals, sashes upon sashes placed over her shoulders. A big bouquet of flowers, her diploma.
That smile.
Gaeul tried to ignore the clench inside her chest. She wished that the three years apart from Wonyoung would make her forget about the feelings she had. But they were still there. Throbbing inside of her. Breaking her heart by each second.
Wonyoung was going to Seoul. Of course she was. Her parents sent her big sister there, so it was natural that she would follow. Everyone knew she could do it, they always believed in her. Gaeul believed in her. But she never wanted Wonyoung to know.
Three years of distance between them felt like it was an eternity. That it happened so long ago that she forgot to hold onto the memories. Those moments where they could have fixed it but Wonyoung chose to be quiet, chose her silence, and chose her people. Gaeul was removed from her life already, and she had to accept the fact that this may be the last time she would ever see Wonyoung again.
It would have been easier if Wonyoung told her she hated her. But she didn’t say anything. Gaeul was left in limbo, haunted by the what ifs, constantly wondering what was the reason why.
She finally forced herself to look away.
Her big brother stood tall behind her, asking if she was okay, if she should see her friends. Gaeul shook her head. A part of her wanted to find an excuse to stay longer, but she really had no reason to. But the words couldn’t come out of her.
“Hey,” a voice caught her. Gaeul stilled. She knew that voice too well. She slowly turned around, and Wonyoung was standing there. Hands free from everything she was holding earlier, the only thing she brought with her was an uneasy smile.
Gaeul straightened herself and gave a small smile. “Hi.”
Before anything could be said, her brother told her they would wait by the parking lot, and for some reason, Gaeul allowed him to leave her.
What was she going to do?
“Congratulations,” Wonyoung finally said. Her words were there, but Gaeul couldn’t feel the warmth to it anymore. Something that had faded out a long time ago.
She nodded. “You too.”
Gaeul didn’t mean for it to come out dry. Colder than how she used to be with Wonyoung.
The sounds of their classmates were still loud, some were still shouting around them, laughing boisterously, the sounds of cameras clicking. Gaeul felt like they were trapped in a bubble, one where she wished she could escape but her heart desperately wanted to stay and find out what Wonyoung wanted.
“I heard you got a scholarship,” Wonyoung said again, fidgeting on her spot.
Gaeul almost reacted, but her expression remained still. How did she know that? “Yeah,” she muttered. “Just for the university here.”
Wonyoung’s gaze flickered for a moment. Like she wasn’t sure what to say, how to answer her. “It’s—” she stammered for a moment. “It’s still something. I’m really happy for you, Gaeul.”
She really wished Wonyoung could just tell her what she wanted, because this was starting to feel wrong. She wanted to say that Wonyoung didn’t have to do this. Talk to her as if it was going to erase everything that happened to them.
Maybe… Maybe this was her finally allowing herself to move on.
Gaeul shrugged, breaking their gaze, and decided to look somewhere else. “It’s fine.”
Fine.
When was the last time she was fine? Or when was the last time when something felt more than fine?
Gaeul should probably leave. There was no reason for her to stay here anymore. She didn’t want Wonyoung to force herself to keep finding things to—
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” Wonyoung blurted out, her expression starting to change, eyes searching. “For Seoul.”
“I know,” Gaeul answered back quickly. Of course she knew. Everyone wouldn’t stop talking about it. “I’m really happy for you, Wonyoung.”
Wonyoung.
Not Wony.
That nickname died on her tongue the moment Wonyoung allowed other people to call her that.
Wonyoung let out a breath, and Gaeul heard it, just by a fraction. “I just… I just wanted to talk to you before I go.”
She almost scoffed, almost wished she could say the first thing that came in her head.
You don’t have to.
Stop forcing yourself.
Just leave if you want to leave.
I’m fine.
“Talk to me about what?” Gaeul said instead. She really should prolong this conversation any longer.
She watched as Wonyoung opened her mouth, then closed it. For someone who she always thought had the answers for everything, who was quick on her feet, she had nothing to say to her. Gaeul wasn’t anyone to her, why was she struggling to answer?
Unless the years of silence were starting to get to her? Was Wonyoung finally realizing how far apart they were from each other?
“I don’t—” Wonyoung started, hands tugging on the sleeve of her toga, visibly struggling. “I don’t hate you,” she finally said.
Gaeul didn’t answer immediately. She allowed the words to stew inside her mind even if she had nothing left inside of her heart to give. Wonyoung had too much for her heart and now they both didn’t know where it was.
She remained calm. Blinked once, then she let out a quiet breath.
“I know.”
Wonyoung immediately frowned. “You know?”
Gaeul nodded. She really shouldn’t be doing this. She had to protect her heart. “I just know.”
It seemed that didn’t settle well with Wonyoung, because her expression was slowly changing, trying to process the words.
This didn’t change anything. Gaeul was tired.
“Then—”
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Wonyoung,” Gaeul cut her gently, faking a smile just so Wonyoung would believe her words. She did her best not to sound vindictive, defensive, hurt.
She was just tired.
Wonyoung’s shoulders fell, unable to think of any more words.
That was her cue.
Gaeul took one last moment to look at Wonyoung.
Pretty as always. Eyes sparkling. Moles on her face that mirrored hers.
Gaeul knew deep down inside that even if Wonyoung had misplaced parts of her heart, they were always going to be hers, and that was something Gaeul wasn’t going to regret.
But that didn’t mean she was going to stay and let it happen again.
“I have to go—”
“I don’t want us to leave like this,” Wonyoung said, in a hurry this time. She looked like she wanted to step closer and Gaeul was ready to step back. “I don’t want us to be like strangers who used to know each other.”
Her chest tightened again.
That was all she needed to know.
Wonyoung knew exactly what happened to them and didn’t do anything about it. Gaeul should have gotten mad, she should take this opportunity to tell her how she felt. The hurt, the betrayal, the loneliness, the confusion. How her heart was broken for the first time.
But if anything, Gaeul accepted it, and realized that this was her only way to move on from this.
“We’re not strangers,” Gaeul said, almost a whisper. She saw the small light of hope in Wonyoung’s eyes, probably expecting her to say something she wanted to hear. Her heart ached again, and she decided. “But we’re not anything either.”
“We could still fix this,” Wonyoung said immediately, like she was chasing her.
Gaeul wasn’t sure how Wonyoung could do it when she was leaving. Again.
She smiled. Even if she knew it could never reach her eyes. But her heart had finally finished building the walls around it and she wasn’t going to change her mind anymore. “Maybe.”
Wonyoung’s face fell, not drastically, but enough for Gaeul to see it.
Gaeul wanted to cry. Even after all this time, she could still catch every single detail about Wonyoung. This girl didn’t need to say anything and Gaeul still knew how to read her.
She pursed her lips and pointed towards the parking lot. “I have to go,” she said, with finality, with the acceptance that this was going to be the last time.
And finally, Wonyoung nodded, conceding. “Right.”
Gaeul already turned around, already took a few steps forward. But then she stopped. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for this. But there wasn’t much she could do, was there?
She turned, surprised to see that Wonyoung was still there. Still looking at her.
Gaeul smiled weakly again. “Good luck in Seoul, Wonyoung.”
Wonyoung opened her mouth, but she stilled. Then she nodded her head again, shoulders sinking. “You too. With… everything.”
She didn’t have anything else to say. She didn’t give a response and finally turned around and walked away. She kept telling herself that she shouldn’t stop again, that she shouldn’t look back. Wonyoung may or may not still be there, watching her create more distance between them.
The noises came back all of a sudden. Gaeul heard the shouts, the laughter, the cars that were driving away. She should have felt lighter, she finally decided to move on, she was going to set herself free. But she couldn’t ignore that stinging clench inside her chest.
There was doubt in her mind that she probably made a big mistake. Because Wonyoung already admitted that there was something wrong. But Gaeul wondered if it was even worth fixing. Wonyoung was going to Seoul, to a big university, to make a name out of herself.
If Gaeul chose to stay again, she was going to be forgotten again, left behind, and abandoned. Wonyoung was going to leave her again and Gaeul knew she could avoid that if she just chose herself for once.
Why did it feel this way?
Why did it hurt?
When was it going to stop?