TheGoblinMatriarch
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one for each inch of 🍆 you want
Shane had stared at that message for more cumulative time than he'd like to guess.
Nine inches was a lot of inches. Obviously he was aware that Rozanov might be exaggerating for effect — some of the guys called him a liar, but he was more of a storyteller, Shane thought — but a penis could really get that big.
He had checked.
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Ask anyone: Edward Teach is the greatest pro surfer in the world. Or, he was. Now he’s retired, and burnt out, and okay maybe possibly dealing with a bit of untreated clinical depression. He hasn’t stepped foot in the water in almost two years—can’t even bring himself to go for a dip in the private pool at his fancy apartment complex, although not for lack of trying. Enter: Stede Bonnet. Also known as Pool DILF. Also also known as the love of Ed’s life. And love makes us do crazy things. Like maybe pretending you don’t know how to swim so your crush will offer to teach you.
What could go wrong?
A Reverse Big Bang collab with Sailor's Ruin!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 46,748
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Collections:
- 1
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- 882
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Bookmarked by TheGoblinMatriarch
04 Mar 2026
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The only warning Harry got was a slight tickle before Malfoy bit his arm.
The snake, that is.
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- Part 1 of Bite Me Universe
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 41,160
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 60
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- 559
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- 138
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- 6,971
Bookmarked by TheGoblinMatriarch
29 Sep 2025
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“Ah. Here is a young man transfixed. Do you like Hunt, sir?"
"Do I like him?" Phil tore his eyes from the painting before him and marvelled at the stranger at his elbow. Like him? One might as well ask do you like Michaelangelo? Do you like Homer? Do you like the Alps?
An art enthusiast with a talent for meteorology meets (arguably) the Finest Painter in England. But impressing your idol can be damned hard work, especially when he's all pride and prejudice, and you're all sensibility and no sense. Heavy weather ahead...- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 24,986
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 208
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- 1,136
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- 432
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Bookmarked by TheGoblinMatriarch
12 Aug 2025
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“Malcolm Baddock told you that he had sex with Harry Potter,” Draco said, enunciating carefully.
“Yes.”
“Gay sex.”
“I should think so.”
—
Somebody has had the nerve to have sex with Harry Potter. Draco loses his entire mind.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 8,692
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- 1/1
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- 1
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- 294
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Bookmarked by TheGoblinMatriarch
18 May 2025
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Draco finds his soulmate.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 7,075
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 73
- Kudos:
- 603
- Bookmarks:
- 106
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- 7,375
Bookmarked by TheGoblinMatriarch
02 May 2025