Work Text:
Xiao Zhan looks up from his tablet and checks the time on the wall, pulling his arms above his head to stretch. It’s two o’clock in the afternoon — too late to bother with lunch. This is far from the first time he’s missed a meal when he’s gotten caught up in work, and he doubts it will be the last.
He yawns as he stands, and it hits him all at once how tired he is. He must not have slept very well last night. Xiao Zhan rarely dreams. At least, he never seems to clearly remember them after waking. But every once in a while, he feels as if he’s spent the entire night fighting phantoms in his sleep. Or living another life that disappears into smoke as soon as his alarm goes off and his brain engages for a new day.
He looks down at the tablet, realizing he’s still got a few hours of work left on the logo he’s designing. He’s going to need something to keep him going through the rest of the afternoon, and he’s not sure his usual green tea will cut it. Coffee is such a rarity in his life that Xiao Zhan doesn’t even keep a coffee pot in the house. He considers a quick nap, but decides maybe getting out of the apartment for a little while will help rejuvenate him.
Working from home is a blessing, but it’s a very solitary existence. Reminding himself that it’s good to get out into the world, Xiao Zhan pulls up the map on his phone to search for a coffee shop within walking distance. He’s in luck — there’s only one within a mile from his apartment, and it’s only a block away.
Xiao Zhan finds his keys and slips on his shoes, giving his cat a pet on the head on the way out the door.
“I’ll be back soon, JianGuo,” he says with a soft smile to his companion. “Don’t miss me too much.”
He’s sure she’ll just wander back to her sunny spot by the window the moment he’s closed the door. Xiao Zhan double checks that he has everything he needs and that he’s dressed to leave the house — working from his apartment allows for a perpetually casual wardrobe — and heads out into the city.
Xiao Zhan follows the map on his phone and walks toward the coffee shop, enjoying the nice weather and the surrounding city. It’s new to him, but he likes Beijing. The bustle, the limited view from his apartment windows, even the smog on days like today, when it gives the skyline a fuzzy, dream-like quality. It’s similar to his hometown, but different enough to remind him that he’s grown up and on his own now. He should really take some time to explore and check out the local hot spots, but he always finds himself caught up in work.
Today’s excursion is a treat, but he can’t waste too much time on his caffeine run. The project he’s working on has to get done today. LeiLei, his best friend and boss, had called him early this morning to make sure he was on track. Apparently, he needed the design for his presentation with the client tomorrow. Xiao Zhan is very regimented about his work, and it’s always critical for him to complete a draft before he finishes with work for the day. He just doesn’t have the mental capacity to push things off until tomorrow.
The coffee shop he’s looking for is a small establishment, tucked away in a cluster of shops that are book ended by two skyscrapers. The minute Xiao Zhan walks in, he determines that the Little Lion Cafe is cute. There’s an adorable cartoon lion, which is obviously their mascot, prancing here and there along the walls. The rest of the decor is made to resemble a forest, with rustic bamboo furniture and plants arranged strategically throughout the space. The lush foliage and green color scheme creates a comfortable, inviting atmosphere that instantly puts Xiao Zhan at ease.
There are only a few people in the cafe at this time of day. A server walking by gets startled when she notices him, nearly dropping the tray of empty dishes she was carrying. Xiao Zhan immediately reaches out to help her right the tray, saving the dishes from falling.
She looks up at him with wide eyes. “Th-thank you.”
“No problem,” he says with a small smile.
She glances over at the counter behind him and quickly scurries off before he can say any more.
Xiao Zhan turns around to determine his order and is greeted by a boy with blue hair and a bright smile.
He’s beautiful, Xiao Zhan thinks, and then realizes he has no idea when the last time was that he had that thought about a person.
“Hi, welcome to the Little Lion,” the boy greets him. He looks so happy that his dark brown eyes seem to twinkle, and Xiao Zhan does not know what he could possibly have done to cause it. Perhaps he’s just very dedicated to his job? But this level of apparent excitement goes above and beyond any previous customer service Xiao Zhan has ever received.
“Hi,” Xiao Zhan responds. They just stare at each other for a moment, as Xiao Zhan takes in the boy’s handsome face, his wide shoulders, the distraction of his vivid blue hair — and the fact that he’s managing to make an apron with little chibi lions on it look like it belongs in a fashion show. When he realizes what he’s doing, Xiao Zhan looks away in embarrassment, a flush heating his neck.
The poor boy was waiting for him to order, and Xiao Zhan just stared at him like a fool!
“Um… I haven’t been here before,” Xiao Zhan says, glancing up at the menu. “What’s good?”
He looks back at the boy, whose smile has fallen just a bit.
“You… you’ll probably like the caramel latte,” the boy suggests. “Unless you’d like tea instead?”
Xiao Zhan waves him off. “No, that’s fine. I definitely need a stronger caffeine kick today.”
The boy hasn’t looked away from him, still staring as if Xiao Zhan is the only source of light in the room. It’s a little strange, but then Xiao Zhan gets out into the world so rarely, he can’t help but appreciate the brief dose of attention. It doesn’t seem that long ago that the nickname of “Zhan-mei” was following him around his college campus. Maybe he hasn’t totally lost his allure.
“Then I can definitely give you something extra,” the boy responds with a sharp quirk of an eyebrow and twist to his lips.
It feels like he’s flirting, and a flutter of excitement stirs to life in Xiao Zhan’s stomach. The boy turns away to go make the drink, and Xiao Zhan quickly stamps out any thought of flirting back or pursuing that path.
The boy is probably just being friendly, Xiao Zhan thinks. He’s sure the barista is just angling for a tip. He can’t let himself run away with ideas just because a pretty boy talks to him.
When the boy returns to the counter, their hands brush as he hands off the drink. A whisper of familiarity snakes though Xiao Zhan’s mind at the touch of his fingers on skin, and then disappears just as quickly when the contact is broken.
“Thanks,” Xiao Zhan tells him with a smile.
“You’re welcome,” the boy says. His look is expectant, confusing Xiao Zhan for a moment before he hurries to pull out his phone to pay.
A shadow falls over the boy’s eyes before he scans the code to take his payment. With the transaction complete, Xiao Zhan knows he needs to get back to work, yet for some reason it’s a struggle to find the desire to leave.
He realizes that he really does need to get out more, if he’s this starved for human interaction.
“See you,” Xiao Zhan says, holding up his cup in a mock wave.
He turns and heads toward the door, wondering if the tingle at his scalp means the boy is still watching as he walks away.
Xiao Zhan hopes so.
*****
Xiao Zhan is bored. LeiLei hasn’t sent him anything new to work on today, and there’s nothing in his notes or emails about previous projects that need to be finished up or tweaked. He has already done an extra workout, cleaned up the apartment, and played with JianGuo for as long as she would tolerate it. It’s rare that Xiao Zhan has so much time for himself.
He doesn’t like it.
Too much free time leads to thinking, which leads to frustration, which leads down a path he knows won’t be very functional. Instead, he decides that an adventure is in order.
Picking up his phone, he notices there’s a coffee shop nearby with a lot of positive reviews. That seems like a safe enough excursion. He’s been navigating a map and paying for things since he was old enough to run errands for his mother. Surely he can handle a coffee run.
Excited at the prospect of something new, Xiao Zhan changes out of his sweatpants and into something he’s not ashamed to be seen wearing in public.
He’s glad that he’d made the effort when he’s greeted by a cute blond boy working behind the counter at the coffee shop, whose eyes light up when he notices Xiao Zhan.
“Hi,” the blond boy says a little breathily. “How are you?”
He’s got gorgeous, kind-looking eyes and the open expression on his face reminds Xiao Zhan of an excited puppy.
“I’m good,” Xiao Zhan answers with a smile.
“I’m glad,” the boy says, returning the smile. His voice is deep and sexy in a way that lights a little spark of interest in Xiao Zhan’s belly. His eyes run over Xiao Zhan, dropping to take in his crimson shirt and black trousers. The boy licks his lips before asking, “What can I get you?”
The look of interest in his eyes makes Xiao Zhan think he’s not only offering what’s on the menu.
Xiao Zhan can’t resist his instinct to test the boy a little. He leans forward, looking up from under his lashes slightly and asks, “What can you give me?”
A beautiful pink blush spreads over the boy’s cheeks. He blinks at Xiao Zhan for a second, staring, before he shoots back, “Anything you want.”
“Anything?” Xiao Zhan asks suggestively, his lips falling into a smirk.
It’s so forward. He should be ashamed of himself, but the barista appears to be completely into it and enjoying their banter. It feels like it’s been so long since Xiao Zhan has flirted with someone, and it’s exciting, making his heart race just a little.
Unfortunately, before the boy can respond, there’s a ding from the bell indicating another customer has entered. The boy glances toward the door, then straightens up from the counter, his demeanor shifting into professionalism.
“Within reason,” the boy answers, then gives a little wink and adds, “unless I’m off the clock.”
Xiao Zhan can feel someone standing behind him now, waiting to order. He smiles at the boy and quickly makes his request, then moves to the side to wait for his drink.
When the boy gives Xiao Zhan his coffee in the to-go cup, his hand lingers just a touch too long in the hand-off. Xiao Zhan wonders for a moment if the boy might ask for his contact information.
Instead, he’s surprised by the boy’s comment. “You won’t even remember me tomorrow, will you?”
Without even thinking, Xiao Zhan immediately responds, “How could I possibly forget someone like you?”
*****
There’s a pretty boy behind the counter of the coffee shop that Xiao Zhan has stumbled into, weary from the early morning crowd and bustle of the city. He’s not sure what compelled him to venture out so early. There’s an agitation in his mood that he can’t seem to get rid of, and he needs a distraction to try to shake it off before he attempts any work. The frustration of his morning routine has settled into his psyche today.
Getting out of his apartment was supposed to make him feel better, more capable, but instead he’s been buffeted by a storm of people, and it’s only made him feel more unsettled.
“What’s wrong?” the boy asks him as soon as Xiao Zhan gets to the front of the line, leaning over the counter with his face pinched in worry.
He must really look a mess if this stranger is so concerned about him.
“I’m fine,” Xiao Zhan assures him, then quickly looks at the menu board. There’s a line of people behind him waiting, and he has no idea what to order. The anxiety itching at his skin picks up a notch, and he can feel sweat beading on his temples.
The handsome barista takes pity on him, giving him a gentle smile. “Would you like some coffee? Or something to eat?”
Xiao Zhan’s eyes skitter over to the tempting pastries in the glass case, but he reminds himself there’s no way to burn off the calories when he’s stuck at his computer all day. And caffeine suddenly seems like a bad idea, with the way his heart is already hammering in his chest.
The rustle and murmur of the people behind him makes him feel even more rushed and flustered. He’s just about ready to bolt out of the shop and back to his apartment where he can sort himself out, when suddenly the boy is beside him, placing a soft touch beneath Xiao Zhan’s elbow.
“Why don’t you go sit over here where it’s a little more quiet,” the boy says softly, steering him to a small table in the corner. “I’ll get you some tea and take care of you.”
Tears pool in Xiao Zhan’s eyes as conflicting feelings battle in his head. He should be able to take care of himself. He’s a grown man, after all. But the desire to shut his brain off for a second, to put himself in this kind, young stranger’s hands until he can get his emotions under control, is overwhelming.
The boy looks so sweet, with his tousled blond hair and round cheeks, like a cherubic angel from the paintings Xiao Zhan studied in college. His eyes hold an emotion Xiao Zhan can’t comprehend, but he appears to be concerned.
“Ok,” Xiao Zhan agrees as he sits down.
A brilliant smile completely transforms the boy’s face, somehow making him even more beautiful. Then he quickly hurries off back to the counter.
Xiao Zhan pulls out his phone and opens his notes app, hoping that a distraction will calm his mind. He reads over the reminders like a mantra in his head, soothing his jumbled thoughts. His list says that meditation works when he gets anxious, but Xiao Zhan feels funny trying to practice it in the middle of the busy coffee shop. He’ll have to wait until he gets home to use that app on his phone.
It seems like no time at all before the barista is back, setting down a steaming cup of pale tea that smells of jasmine and a plate with a delicious-looking orange scone. The smell of the tea makes his muscles relax instantly, and Xiao Zhan wraps his hands around the teacup, letting the warmth soak into his skin and breathing in the flowery scent.
The boy is still hovering nearby, watching him. Something about him — his kindness, his gentle demeanor — puts Xiao Zhan at ease. As if just looking at the boy’s pleasant face flips a switch in his brain that pushes all the previous anxiety straight out of his head.
“You always like jasmine tea when you’re having a rough day,” the barista says quietly. The tension seems to drop out of his shoulders as well when Xiao Zhan looks up at him with a small smile.
“How do you know that?”
“I know a lot about you, Xiao Zhan.”
It’s only later, when he’s gotten safely home and snuggles his cat and is telling her all about the nice boy at the cafe, that he realizes he doesn’t know how he knew Xiao Zhan’s name.
*****
There’s a girl in front of him in line, taking far too long with her order. Mostly because she’s trying very hard to flirt with the boy behind the counter.
“She’s cute,” he tells the boy after he’s taken Xiao Zhan’s order, gesturing to the girl who has walked off to find a table. “You should give her your WeChat. I think she was too shy to ask.”
The boy stares at him in shock, but there’s something else there, hidden in his eyes. Something Xiao Zhan can’t read.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Xiao Zhan quickly sputters. He doesn’t know how to admit that he’s overstepped.
He probably gets hit on all the time, Xiao Zhan realizes. Surely a boy this handsome already has a girlfriend.
“It’s ok,” the boy says, gently — as if he’s the one apologizing. “I’m just… I’m not… I’m not interested.”
“Oh,” Xiao Zhan says. He pauses a moment, then throws the boy a friendly smile. “You’ve already got someone, huh?”
The boy stares at him for a moment, as if Xiao Zhan’s face might hold all the secrets of the universe.
“Yeah,” the boy answers. “Something like that.”
*****
Xiao Zhan’s new neighbors are loud. Loud music. Loud talking. LOUD.
He can’t focus on work, not even by turning on his own favorite music to drown them out. For five days he goes to the coffee shop to work, which he only knows because one of the workers comments about seeing him so much. She gives the cute boy at the counter a meaningful look, but he only shakes his head sadly and turns away from them.
“I was hoping you had finally recovered,” she explains. “You used to basically live here, before…”
He knows she means before his accident. He wakes up every day to reminders of the things he doesn’t know about the days that came before. But he never knew he had been a regular here. His parents and friends had never put that on his list of “important things to know today” that greeted him each morning.
His first experience every day is learning that he can’t remember the last three years of his life.
“I did?” Xiao Zhan asks. The news jolts him. It’s strange to be learning something new about himself. Every day feels new, but this is the first time he’s hearing about the life he had from someone besides his parents or LeiLei.
The beautiful boy brings his drink over to the table, sitting it down and then pulling the girl away. “Don’t bother him, Xiao-er. Leave him alone.”
“But, Yibo —”
“I said leave it,” he says more forcefully. The stern look on his face is not to be argued with, and the girl cows under his obvious anger.
The boy turns to Xiao Zhan, and the lights catch all the angles of his face in a sharp relief that only draws more attention to how handsome he is. His eyes soften immediately when they settle on Xiao Zhan.
“Have a nice day, Zhan-ge,” he says gently.
Xiao Zhan could swear there is a storm of emotion hidden in the depths of his eyes.
The boy walks away, his blondish-brown ponytail bouncing slightly with his firm steps. Something tugs at Xiao Zhan’s chest, wanting him to come back.
That night before bed, Xiao Zhan adds a note to his “important things”: I often go to the coffee shop down the street.
*****
There’s a very handsome boy taking orders when Xiao Zhan pops in the local coffee shop late one afternoon. He’s got short, neatly trimmed brown hair and full pink lips. He’s thin, but broad-shouldered, and those are definitely muscles curving the short-sleeved arms of his t-shirt as he pulls down the lever to press the ground coffee into the metal filter cup.
He might be the most attractive man Xiao Zhan has ever seen outside the pages of a magazine.
Xiao Zhan appreciates the view while he hovers near the door, watching as the boy kindly helps customers and handles their orders promptly.
When the crowd clears out, he heads to the counter, eager for a chance to talk to the cute barista. But when he gets near, he notices that the boy looks sad, and tears are shining in his eyes.
“What’s wrong? Are you ok?” Xiao Zhan can’t help but ask.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” the boy says, quickly wiping his eyes. The brown orbs meet Xiao Zhan’s in the most heartbroken look he’s sure he’s ever seen. “I just lost something.”
“If you want, I can help you look for it,” Xiao Zhan offers. Something deep inside him twists in agony at seeing the boy so upset.
The boy laughs, harsh and bitter, as more tears spill from his eyes.
Xiao Zhan’s hand reaches up, like a reflex he can’t understand, and he pulls it back with a sharp movement. How inappropriate it would be to wipe away the tears of a stranger!
“ Of course you would offer. Of course, you would,” the boy glances down at the counter, as if he’s talking to himself. His eyes shine with tears when he looks back up at Xiao Zhan. “Sometimes when you lose something, there’s no way to ever get it back, you know?”
There’s a pain in Xiao Zhan’s heart at the agony in the boy’s words. They don’t know each other at all, but he wants to help him, somehow. “But it doesn’t hurt to try, right?”
“The boy turns away, ignoring his question. He fills Xiao Zhan’s drink order in silence. As he hands it back he says quietly, “You’d be surprised how much trying can hurt.”
*****
The young man who brings him his cup of tea sets it down at the table, and Xiao Zhan gives him a brief smile of thanks before looking back down at his phone. His mother had sent him a message, checking in. Scrolling back, he can see that she does this every day, even though he remembers none of them.
Still, it shows how much she cares and worries about him. He wishes he had a way to make her worry less.
Movement in the corner of his eye makes him glance back up to see that for some reason the boy with the tea has sat down across from him.
Do they know each other? Xiao Zhan wonders. This is why he tries not to venture out much — it’s difficult and uncomfortable dealing with the people in the world who he’s told that he should know but can’t remember.
“I’m leaving,” the boy says, looking at Xiao Zhan with a sorrowful expression. “This is my last day.”
It’s a shame, really. He’s very pretty, with his light brown hair and bright Phoenix eyes. The boy is almost like a living work of art. Even though Xiao Zhan knows he won’t remember him tomorrow, it still seems impossible to forget such a face.
“It’s been a year. It’s just… it’s too hard,” the boy says, his voice rough like sandpaper. “I can’t… I can’t see you every day like this…”
“You’re leaving… because of me?” It seems impossible. He’s done something to hurt this boy, enough to make him quit his job and leave town. A cold emptiness churns in his stomach. “Did I… I hurt you? I’m sorry… I don’t remember...”
It was hard for him at first, not remembering. So says the pages of information left by his parents to greet him each morning. According to the notes, he’d been at home with them for months under their care, his anger flaring every morning when he couldn’t understand why he was there when he should have been at his apartment. Sleep therapies had helped to ease his mind, helped him control his feelings until he learned to wake up with acceptance instead of anger.
Going back to work had helped. Having a routine and living on his own made him feel more like a normal person. At some point, Xiao Zhan had stopped caring about his memories. He was doing just fine without them, and he shouldn’t miss what was gone and not needed.
Yet now, for the first time in a long time, Xiao Zhan wishes he could remember. He wishes he knew what he’d done.
“I want to fix it,” Xiao Zhan says, impulsively grabbing at the boy’s hand. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
He doesn’t know this boy, but it is important. It feels important that this boy doesn’t hate him. He tries to pull away, realizing that touching the boy probably isn’t making the situation any better.
But the boy’s large hands grip him tightly, refusing to let go. It’s incredibly comforting, but he doesn’t know why.
“I don’t hate you, Zhan-ge. I could never hate you,” he says passionately. His eyes squeeze tightly closed. “I just wish you could remember…”
“Me too,” Xiao Zhan whispers. “I don’t even know your name.”
The boy’s eyes open, the lights making them sparkle as if there are stars shining in their depths. “Yibo. Wang Yibo.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Wang Yibo,” Xiao Zhan says softly.
The boy let’s out a watery laugh. “You too, Zhan-ge.”
Zhan-ge. No one has ever really called him that. His friends and family always called him ZhanZhan. The new nickname sounds strange, but welcome. It warms his heart like some piece of him remembers it and ties it to good things.
“You know things about me, don’t you? What is it I can’t remember?”
The boy shakes his head sadly. “LeiLei said not to bother. You wouldn’t remember. Hell, you won’t remember tomorrow —”
“Then tell me today,” Xiao Zhan urges. He doesn’t know why, but it feels important — critical — to find out what this boy knows that he doesn’t. He seems sincere, and he’d mentioned Xiao Zhan’s friend, so they must be connected in some way he can’t remember.
“Yeah… I’ll be… I’ll be gone,” Yibo says, his voice rough with emotion. “What can it hurt? To remind you of everything you forgot?”
“What did I forget that was so important?”
“Me.”
They had first met at this coffee shop, Yibo tells him. Almost two years ago.
“I was working, and you had just moved to town, starting some new job. Not the one you have now,” Yibo hurried to add. “You went back to your design firm with your friend after… well, after.”
After the accident, Xiao Zhan finishes for him in his head.
They dated for almost a year, Yibo explains. Things were good, they were happy —
“Why didn’t someone tell me?” Xiao Zhan asks, his voice raising slightly as his heart races with the revelation that’s making his head spin. Surely if he was dating this gorgeous man, someone would know. He wouldn’t have kept Yibo a secret. “This doesn’t make sense. Are you messing with me??”
Frustration and anger burn through him as he pulls his hands free of Yibo’s hold. His voice echoes a bit, and he looks around the room to make sure he’s not disturbing anyone, but the shop is empty.
Yibo is unfazed, gazing at him with wide, caring eyes. His voice is calm and quiet as he answers, “Zhan-ge, not many people knew. And this is why LeiLei didn’t want me to say anything. You don’t remember, it’s just upsetting you. I shouldn’t have —“
“LeiLei knew?” Xiao Zhan questions him. “He knew about us? And didn’t tell me?”
“I work days and dance at night, either practice or gigs,” Yibo explains slowly. “I had only met a couple of your friends once or twice because the scheduling just never worked out. We were going to…” he trails off, swallowing and looking down at his hands where they are twisting themselves together on top of the table. After taking a moment to gather his composure, Yibo continues, “But you wanted me to meet your parents. We were going to visit at the New Year. But you weren’t sure… You didn’t know how they would take it. If they would accept… me, as your partner. So you went home alone first, in December. And that’s when…”
He doesn’t finish, but Xiao Zhan knows the rest. It’s one of his “important things”. He was crossing the street, and got hit by a car that ran the light. Someone looking at their phone instead of the road.
Xiao Zhan had almost died.
He takes a few seconds to process the story, piecing it together in his mind. “I hadn’t told them about you…”
“I guess not,” Yibo says. His voice starts to wobble. “I hadn’t heard from you in days, not even a message. So I… I freaked out and kept calling you. It… it wasn’t like you to just… disappear. I didn’t know your phone was destroyed. And I didn’t know who to contact — I didn’t have a way to ask your friends — and a week went by…” Yibo pauses from the rambling, his voice cracking as he struggles to get it under control. “LeiLei showed up here. He… You were in a coma. He’d come to get some of your things from the apartment. I… I… He said… He said I shouldn’t come. To Chongqing… because your parents…”
“They didn’t know about us,” Xiao Zhan finished for him. He wants to doubt all of it, Yibo’s story, the truth of it. But it all sounds so plausible. And Yibo is… He’s wiping at his eyes and nose with the sleeve of his shirt, his nose red and puffy.
His parents couldn’t have known about Yibo. Even if they hadn’t approved, they would never have been cruel enough to put a person through this. It’s plain to see just how much Yibo is torn up about the situation.
“I was… that important to you?” Xiao Zhan can’t help but ask.
Yibo pulls out his phone, opening the photo gallery. He clicks a folder labeled Xiao Zhan. “I haven’t let myself look at these… very often.”
He hands Xiao Zhan the phone.
There are pictures of them. Together. Side by side, mostly selfies, many taken in what he can tell is this coffee shop. And pictures of him, so many pictures. Some candid, some posed or silly. Some taken from a distance, as if Yibo had taken them by stealth as Xiao Zhan hunched over a table working on his designs.
Some of the pictures were taken in bed, while he was sleeping, shirtless and strategically covered, or awake and giving the camera a very sexy “come get me” stare. There were even a few of him naked, flushed and aroused. They were all of him, but a Xiao Zhan he couldn’t even recognize as himself.
And they were photos Wang Yibo would never have, unless he was telling the truth.
“We were really serious,” Xiao Zhan says. It’s not a question.
“I wanted to marry you,” Yibo admits, his voice filled with profound regret.
“Marry?” Xiao Zhan’s voice squeaks slightly, and he feels a little dizzy. He had never in his life considered marriage. At least, not in the life he knew of. He had never been serious enough with anyone in college for it to even cross his mind. And this boy looks so young… But even from the few minutes they’ve talked, Xiao Zhan can feel a connection between them.
It’s there, in the way his eyes can’t seem to look away, and how his hand impulsively wants to reach out to take hold of the boy’s own. It’s like his heart knows what his brain can’t picture.
“We had talked about it. How we could go somewhere overseas if we wanted something official. I was going to ask you… After I met your parents,” Yibo explains. “If they were ok with it — with me… I never wanted to let you go.”
He breaks down at that, covering his face with his hands as he sobs so that Xiao Zhan can’t see his distress. But there’s no hiding his heartbreak.
What must it have been like for Yibo? Xiao Zhan thinks as he considers what he’s learned. They were happy together, planning for the future, and then suddenly Xiao Zhan was just gone from his life. But not…
Because he’d come back. He’d come back into Yibo’s life, coming to his workplace, apparently for a year. And Yibo had known him and been repeatedly faced with a partner that had no idea who he was. So close and yet so far.
It must have been hell.
When Yibo’s hands drop to reveal his red eyes and wet face, Xiao Zhan realizes he’s said it out loud.
“Yes,” Yibo whispers. “But I know it hasn’t been easy for you either. At least I got to see you, to know you’re ok. And knowing that will make it easier to move on. Or at least, that’s what my friends tell me…”
“You can’t leave!” Xiao Zhan insists, reaching across the table to grab ahold of Yibo’s hands. “You can’t.”
How can he leave, now that Xiao Zhan knows the truth?
“There’s nothing for me here, Zhan-ge,” Yibo says tearfully. “You and I both know how this will go. I can’t spend the rest of my life having this conversation every day. And how would you react, waking up with a stranger in your bed? It’s not good… For either of us.”
Xiao Zhan wants to argue with him, to tell him they can make it work. The thought of having someone in his life like Yibo, so bright and lovely, who obviously cares for him so much, is like a beacon of light amid a dark storm.
But he thinks about the pages of notes on his phone that he’d read first thing this morning. The days marked off on the calendar that he can’t remember. Leftover meals in his fridge he doesn’t know if he made. The projects for work saved on his computer that he has no memory of creating.
His memory loss doesn’t affect those things. They exist, and he accepts them because he has to.
But Yibo is a person. And he’s hurt by his lost memory every day.
If Xiao Zhan really did love him in a past he doesn’t remember, he’d want him to be happy. And that’s definitely not something he can offer the man, not now, with a brain that can’t hold on to the present.
“Then what can I do?” Xiao Zhan asks. “I want to help you, if I can.”
Yibo regards him thoughtfully for a moment. “It would be nice if… If we got one last good day, you know? If you knew me when I said goodbye, and I can take that good memory with me.”
“I can do that.” Xiao Zhan answers immediately. He has nothing critical to finish up for work — at worst, he’ll just start all over again tomorrow and never even realize it, anyway. It’s certainly not going to be any hardship for him to spend time with a handsome man, especially when that man is looking at him with so much love and devotion there are practically hearts in his eyes.
Yibo’s shift is nearly over, and he goes over to say his farewells to his co-workers. He hugs a girl that must be a server, who gives him a wobbly smile and punches him on the arm before wiping tears from her eyes. Then the man who must be the manager or owner lays his hands on Yibo’s shoulders and looks at him seriously. He’s short, with a mustache and a kind face. He talks to Yibo quietly, then wraps his arms around him in a tight hug. It seems almost as if he’s sending off a son and not an employee, and Xiao Zhan can’t help but wonder how close they are.
He’s glad Yibo has good people in his life.
Xiao Zhan hovers by the door, smiling as Yibo walks over. The boy casually takes his hand, then stops and looks up at him in apprehension.
“Sorry!” He says immediately, face twisting into a grimace. “Old habits, I guess.”
He tries to pull away, but Xiao Zhan doesn’t let him. There’s something nice and almost familiar about the feel of the large hand wrapped in his own. Besides, Yibo wants to remember the good things, and he’ll have to remember for both of them. “It’s ok.”
They go out to dinner, a little place a few blocks away that Yibo says Xiao Zhan used to like. The food is good, and the conversation is even better. He had worried it might be awkward, but somehow they chat like old friends who are just getting reacquainted with each other. It’s effortless, and Xiao Zhan wonders if it’s because Yibo already knows so much about him or if they were always like this.
“We’ve always gotten along well,” Yibo tells him. “Even when we first met, we just kind of got each other, you know? Like there was a connection between us that just seemed to snap into place. I thought it was fate…”
He trails off, his eyes sliding away from Xiao Zhan to gaze out the window.
After a few seconds of silence, Xiao Zhan can’t help but ask, “Do you regret it? Meeting me?”
Yibo’s eyes shine as he immediately looks back at him. “Never. And I never will, Zhan-ge.”
Xiao Zhan changes the subject to avoid upsetting Yibo further. He wants to learn about the beautiful boy, hoping it will help him understand more about the parts of himself that he can’t remember.
He finds out that Yibo is headed to Shanghai to try his luck on some reality show dance competition. He’s confident in his skills and optimistic that he has a chance at winning.
“But even if I don’t,” Yibo tells him, “It’s a great opportunity to learn from other extremely talented people. And if I do well enough, I’ll end up with some connections that might help me get a regular job in a dance crew or at least some better gigs than I’ve had so far.”
If he’s even half as skilled as he is handsome, he’s sure to get his big break, and Xiao Zhan tells him so. Yibo’s ears redden and he looks away in embarrassment before nearly blinding Xiao Zhan with his grin.
Xiao Zhan learns that Yibo is probably the most active person he’s ever known, with a long list of hobbies besides dance: skateboarding, snowboarding, Legos, magic tricks, surfing, and driving motorcycles. And he assures Xiao Zhan that he excels at all of them.
“I’m very good with my hands,” Yibo assures him with a smirk. He’s relaxed and comfortable, and at some point they had settled into an easy flirting that’s both intriguing and a little arousing.
They lingered at the table after dinner, talking for hours without Xiao Zhan even realizing it. He glances at his watch, shocked at how late it is. The time has flown by. The entire evening has been the best first date he thinks he’s ever had in his life. By the time they pay the bill and Yibo insists on getting him home safely, Xiao Zhan feels like he might be half in love with him.
It makes total sense to him now, how he had fallen for this man. He’s so much more than just a pretty face. He’s kind and funny, with a sarcastic, perverse sense of humor that’s similar to his own. His family is important to him, and he wants to make them proud, but he wants to live his life and make his own choices, too. He’s stubborn, but sweet and generous.
Xiao Zhan is sure he’s never met anyone like him.
When he gets to his door, he’s not prepared to say goodbye. There’s an attraction that has simmered between them all evening and standing alone in the dim hallway outside of his apartment, he can feel an electricity pulsing like a circuit between them.
There’s a pressure to the situation, knowing it is their only day together — that Xiao Zhan will forget all of this the minute his mind slips into sleep. If it really was their first date, he would get Yibo’s WeChat and kiss him goodbye, optimistic that they would see each other again soon.
But tomorrow, he won’t recognize him. And Yibo will be gone.
Xiao Zhan isn’t ready to let the night end, not without at least getting to taste the plush lips that have tempted him all evening. But it’s a selfish thought. He’s doing this for Yibo, to give him closure. There’s no way for this to be the grand beginning of a happy ending.
Still, as Yibo hovers outside his door, staring as if he is trying to memorize him for a test, Xiao Zhan can’t help but whisper, “Can I kiss you?”
A sound like something between a squeak and a groan escapes from Yibo before he’s throwing his arms around Xiao Zhan’s neck and pressing their lips together.
It’s not the tentative, getting-to-know-you kiss that Xiao expected. It’s firm, forceful, pressing Xiao Zhan against the door with his body. The way Yibo kisses him lights up every nerve ending inside him, as if he’s been plugged into an electrical socket. There’s no awkwardness at all in the way their lips slot together, tongues teasing and pressing into each other’s mouths. Instead, it feels like muscle memory, as if Xiao Zhan has kissed this man a million times and knows just what he should do.
His hand fumbles at the door he’d unlocked earlier, and he catches himself to keep from stumbling as it swings open behind him. He pulls away from Yibo’s kiss to take a step back into the apartment, still holding on to the man’s arms.
He wants him, hard and aching for it already, but he can’t press the man. They both know where they stand and that Yibo is the one who will have to live with the consequences. But looking at the gorgeous man, flushed and wild-eyed and delectable, Xiao Zhan would be a fool not to ask.
“Do you want to come in?”
There’s a moment of tense anticipation as they stare at each other. Xiao Zhan can almost see the gears turning in Yibo’s head as he considers his choice.
“Fuck it. You’re… You won’t remember me tomorrow,” Yibo says breathlessly. His voice is sad, but his eyes are wide and heated, like he’s a starving man who’s been offered a feast. “I’ll take tonight, Zhan-ge.”
Then he’s back in Xiao Zhan’s arms and kissing him fervently, kicking the door closed behind him with his foot.
There’s no more looking back or forward, only the brief moments of the present that they have left together — and an undeniable desire to wrap themselves in each other.
*****
Xiao Zhan wakes in the morning, the first rays of light barely dancing at his window. There’s a shadow on his wall, and a shirtless man tugging on jeans. He’s moving quietly, clearly planning on sneaking out. His pale skin glows in the dim morning light, and his hair is mussed, sticking up at odd angles. He’s lean and muscular.
And beautiful.
As Xiao Zhan shifts to sit up in the bed, the man’s eyes meet his in surprise, and then slide into wariness. He looks slightly panicked, but Xiao Zhan isn’t sure why. It’s definitely too early for anyone to be headed to work.
He holds out his hand, beckoning for the man to come back to him.
“Yibo.”