Chapter Text
Gil-Galad glanced up.
Elrond had clearly come straight in from outside, most likely from his herb garden, as there was still mud stains on the knees of his pants and an errant leaf in his hair. His face had a smattering of freckles, the little dots increasing in size and number the longer he spent outside.
He had a heavy book tucked under his arm, and a freshly scrubbed root in his hands. He plopped the root down on the king’s desk with no preamble, then stood back, hands wrapped around his book.
“It’s ginger,” said the king, glancing up at him with a raised eyebrow. He had work to do, but it could wait for a few minutes while he figured out what his friend was doing wandering around with root vegetables.
“Did you know that some mortals insert ginger into the anus of horses in order to make them prance higher?”
What? Gil-Galad raised an eyebrow. “I- no?”
Elrond’s entire face turned red. “I- ah-“
“I suppose that wasn’t the fact you intended to start with?” Suddenly his work was the last thing on his mind, far too entertained by Elrond’s antics. He sat his quill aside, leaning back in his chair to grin at Elrond.
“No,” he confessed. “It wasn’t.”
Gil-Galad broke off a piece of the ginger and popped it into his mouth, chewing slowly. “I don’t suppose you brought me this to eat?”
“I… no,” he said slowly. “I did not.”
“Pity.” He broke off another piece anyway.
“There are other things that ginger may be used for,” Elrond said, sounding as though he was reciting from one of his medical texts, likely the one in his hands. “Mortals in particular seem to find unorthodox uses for the root. In some cultures, it is not uncommon for a teacher to peel off the skin and insert it inside of a disobedient student.”
“… Inside?”
Elrond nodded. “It seems to be most common to insert it inside the vagina.”
“Oh,” said Gil-Galad.
“However, it seems it can be inserted into the anus, although I am uncertain if the effect would be the same.”
He wondered if Elrond had any idea what it sounded like he was suggesting, or if his herald was honestly requesting a scientific study in which Gil-Galad shoved ginger inside him.
Valar, he had questionable friends.
Still the young healer continued on, his excitement palatable, “It seems that sometimes this is done before a caning, as the clenching of the muscles makes the sting more prominent.”
Gil-Galad nodded along, still unable to believe what Elrond was chattering on about.
Suddenly Elrond stopped himself, a frown on his face. Cocking his head he asked, “Is that abuse?”
“I’ve whipped you before, and not always for fun.”
Elrond still seemed uncertain, shifting his weight as he mused, “but you would not insert something inside of me without my permission, would you?”
“I would not.”
He nodded slowly. “Do you imagine the teachers ask the consent of their pupils?”
A part of him wished to point out that mortals weren’t the best of people, but that would likely upset his half-elven friend. “Most likely,” he lied.
Elrond nodded, seeming content with the answer. “That is what it does in horses,” he added, moving straight on to his next topic. “The burn leads them to lift their hooves higher.”
“Please do not-“
“I would not experiment on a horse though. It would be unethical, as I could not ask them for consent.”
Thank the Valar. Of course, there was always the risk Elrond would work out how to communicate with horses, in which case he would likely work out a way to bribe them to go along with his plans. If his interest in ginger kept up too long, Gil-Galad might preemptively ban him from the stables.
He sighed. “It sounds like a fascinating root, Elrond.”
“It is! It has medicinal properties as well, which is what began my studies into it. As medicine can be absorbed faster when applied anally-“
“Never do that,” Gil-Galad pleaded. He didn’t care if he was dying, he’d take Mandos over having one of Elrond or Celebrimbor’s questionable concoctions shoved up his ass.
Elrond didn’t seem to have heard him, “I had wondered if ginger might have uses that way, however, that is when I discovered a text that referenced the uncomfortable side effects. That, in turn, led me to this book”- he tapped his fingers on the book in his hands -“and my current studies.”
“Uh huh.”
“I asked Tyelpe if I might assist me in trying it, but he refused.”
The king put his head in his hands.
“Elrond,” Gil-Galad asked. As amusing as the healer’s ramblings were, he couldn’t let it go on forever. “Were you intending to proposition your favorite mentor?”
Like Elrond, Celebrimbor was known for his experiments, unlike Elrond, Celebrimbor had a versed understanding of sex. His mind would have - eventually - ended up in the same place as Gil-Galad’s, so when approached by Elrond asking him to put things in his ass, he would possibly have run in the opposite direction.
He seemed surprised, his nose scrunching as he said, “No I-“ his face paled. “Oh.”
Gil-Galad desperately wanted to laugh, bit he bit his tongue. “I imagine it sounded like you were flirting with him.” Of course, he knew Elrond and would have known the flirting was entirely accidental. Gil-Galad wasn’t certain if Celebrimbor would find that preferable or not.
“I don’t flirt.”
“Which I do believe most likely contributed to his confusion.” He was likely either horrified or amused, only time would tell.
Elrond nodded slowly. “That… that must be why he told me I ought to ask you.”
He was going to hit the smith the next time he saw him. Probably after Celebrimbor laughed his ass off, but oh well.
Gil-Galad sighed, resting his hand on his desk and tilting his head to look up at his friend. “Would you like me to insert ginger into you, Elrond?”
“Yes,” said Elrond eagerly. “I would be the perfect candidate, would I not?”
He was almost afraid to ask, “Elaborate?”
“Well, as I said, I am uncertain if the effect is greater in the anus or the vaginal opening, but as I am fortunate enough to possess both at times, I would be able to compare.”
“Ah.” It was unusual for Elrond to initiate their encounters, even more unusual for him to suggest something as absurd as having ginger crammed up his various holes.
Still, it was hard to deny Elrond anything. “How is it done?”
Delighted, Elrond slammed his book on Gil-Galad’s desk, opening to a page he had marked with a ribbon.
“This is how is is carved,” said Elrond, showing a diagram of the ginger root, stripped of the flesh and cut into a shape not unlike a sex toy.
Elrond flipped another page, turning the book around to eagerly show Gil-Galad. “This is how it is used.”
The king leaned forward, suddenly understanding why someone like Elrond hadn’t made the connection to sex sooner.
In the sketch, a sobbing girl was being turned over the knee of a much larger large man wielding a heavy paddle. There was certainly nothing erotic about it, even with the illustration posed to such the tip of the ginger between her legs.
Elrond turned the page, and there was a close up sketch of a woman’s genital region, her legs spread, ginger protruding from both her anus and vulva. Another turn of the page and he found himself looking at a rather miserable seeming horse.
Gil-Galad almost opened his mouth to ask what sort of book Elrond had found and where he’d gotten it, but then he decided he didn’t want to know.
Elrond looked at him expectantly.
“Very well.”