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Even before his mom died, neither parent could be considered nurturing. The cook and housekeeper took care of him, looking after him more than either of his parents ever had. He'd practically raised himself.
He told stories of what it was like growing up to many people, including his current team, but played them off as jokes. No one realized just how rough his home life had been. Those who had never met Senior assumed that Tony just had an active imagination and was making stories up. He knew even around the office that he had a reputation for that with all the gossip about the women he slept with. Those who met Senior were frequently taken in by his suave manners and assumed Tony was flat out lying because that's what Senior claimed. Abby was among those.
Needless to say while Senior may be his sperm donor, Tony had never considered him to be his dad. He hadn't thought him to be much of a father either. In boarding school, he'd been one among many. Most of the other kids there had absentee or abusive parents as well, but in the law enforcement community it tended to be a little more rare.
His first taste of what family should be didn't happen until college. He had a scholarship that guaranteed him a spot on the football team and the basketball team. Despite that, he was the only one who never had anyone there for him. No one cared how well he did at the games except his coach, who was essentially paid to do so. He'd more than earned the scholarship and his spots on the team, but it wasn't good enough for Senior. It never was.
He watched the other members of his team greeted by family when they came off the court and cheered for when they made a good play and he envied them. He wondered what it would be like to have a mom or dad who actually cared about him. He'd never known that and sometimes it ate at his soul and left him wondering, "would he ever be good enough?" There wasn't anything he could do about it, however. He was broken. Or at least from a broken home. It would always be that way.
He'd thought it was hard watching everyone else be happy and supported, but nothing had prepared him for what happened next. He'd never even considered how it would feel to watch his entire life go up in flames, burned down to the ground around him. A career ending injury and not only did he have to suffer through the pain and the recovery, but he had to figure out what to do now. He was devastated, but it wasn't like there was anyone he could turn to. His dad had disowned him when he was twelve. His mom was dead and no one in the fraternity really understood what he was going through. After all, most of them had no clue what they wanted to do with their life and were used to relying on family, an option Tony had never had.
He'd heard people talk about their life flashing before their eyes during a near death experience and he wondered if that's what had happened to him. All his hopes, all his dreams, there one minute and gone the next. If you almost died your priorities changed, you chose what you wanted to do and did it, right? But he'd been doing what he wanted to and now he couldn't. He felt hopeless, empty, like he had nothing left.
How did you rebuild from nothing? Was it even possible? His frat brothers tried to cheer him up. They pitched in to get him get well gifts and help cover costs. He knew they meant well, but it didn't change the facts that he had to start all over again. Who would he be this time? Even he didn't know.
Someone, he forgot who, had given him a bunch of brochures on various programs offered by the college that he could pursue. He'd looked at each and every one of them, after all he had nothing but time now and nothing better to do. He'd gone through every single requirement with a fine tooth comb, sorting and limiting his options. Finally, he'd narrowed down the list to finishing out his kinesiology degree and getting a minor in criminal justice or beefing up his course load and going for a full on science degree of some sort.
The science degree held more prestige, but Tony looked at the job opportunities and most of them required at least a master's and he really wasn't interested in more schooling currently. The criminal justice minor would be just enough to get him into the Police Academy, which suited him much better. He wasn't attached to being a police officer, but being able to tell Senior he was fighting for truth and justice would be so satisfying, not to mention that everything he'd heard about police stations indicated that they banded together and defended their own. After seeing what a family could be, Tony was looking forward to experiencing a little bit of that for himself.
He'd started out at Peoria with that fresh newbie shine that made everything seem exciting, even parking tickets. It soon lost its appeal, especially when his hard work was never recognized. He seemed to gain newbie jokes by the second and rarely praise. He was lucky if a good comment was made once a month, often those compliments were even further apart
He didn't regret his decision to become a police officer, but he was tired of doing the grunt work. He wanted to be seen as someone who brought something to the table. He didn't expect to be treated as an expert. Just did he always have to do the worst jobs?
He could interview witnesses quite well. He'd even gotten a commendation for it once and they still preferred to make him dumpster dive. He knew it was time to move on. He hoped the next place would be better. At least, he had a glowing recommendation from his current captain to take with him to the next place. Surely, that would help.
Philadelphia PD was both better and worse. He definitely couldn't claim that he was doing grunt work anymore. Still, who sent somebody with only a couple of years of experience in general policing, and none of it undercover, to spy on the mob?
True, it was his fault for accidentally making friends with a mob boss, but it was still insane. The first case he worked on shouldn't have been related to the mob at all, but he'd stumbled into someone and spilled coffee all over them. He'd apologized profusely and offered to have their clothes dry cleaned and buy the guy a new coffee. He hadn't realized that the person he'd bumped into was the top dog that the Philly PD had been trying to catch for ages.
He'd almost freaked out when he found out, but by then it was too late. The damage was already done. He had a freshly dry cleaned suit to deliver and a way in that no other officer had ever had. Of course, they jumped at the chance. Tony knew everyone thought he'd screw it up, that he wouldn't last, but he would prove them wrong. His boss was giving him a chance to show he deserved to be here and Tony couldn't afford to pass it up.
You would think after working all the crappy jobs that he'd enjoy an opportunity like going undercover, but he hated it. Don't get him wrong, he loved undercover and was good at it too. That wasn't the issue. No, the problem came because he was pretending to be part of the mob. To them, he was family. Something he'd never had before. Something he wanted more than almost anything else. If he'd taken even a little bit more after Senior he probably would have turned his back on the police department and become a double agent for the mob. His conscience wouldn't let him do that, however.
The two sides pulled at him the entire time he was under. He was constantly battling against himself to stay objective and balance his persona with the information he needed to gather. After almost 18 months, he finally had everything he needed to get a warrant for DiMarco and get him sent to prison for a very long time. It was a huge weight off his shoulders, but it wasn't long before the memories, his hopes and dreams became too much.
Needless to say, Tony had zero desire to stick around the Philly Police Department after that. He had no idea if they saw him as family or not. He hadn't spent enough time at the station to develop that kind of relationship with any of the others. The more pressing issue was that everything he saw, touched, tasted, and more reminded him of the family he could have had with the mob. The one that he'd given up for law and justice. It simply hurt too much to stay without something deeper keeping him there. He'd earned a gold shield for his work, but holding it only reminded him of what he sacrificed. It only served to make him feel even emptier.
This time he found himself at the Baltimore Police Department. He really hoped it worked out here. He was tired of not finding what he was looking for. He also couldn't help feeling like the three strikes and you're out rule should apply here too.
His partner, Danny, was great. They got along well. They worked together great. It was fun. Everything was fine. He was starting to settle in and he thought he might have found his home, his family.
Then he tackled a suspect and brought him in only for his entire house of cards to come tumbling down around him. His suspect was an NCIS Agent, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and Tony had just made his cover for him. Annoying as that was, it wouldn't have been a big deal if the NCIS Agent hadn't also proven that his partner and the captain were both involved in a money laundering scheme.
The police were supposed to be the good guys. They were supposed to be a family. He didn't understand how other people did it. Having a family clearly wasn't impossible for the majority of the population, but apparently it was for him.
He almost gave up on the idea of having a family. He wanted to say screw the world. Surely, it was better to be alone forever than go through this pain over and over. The only reason he didn't was because of Special Agent Gibbs. The man had promised that NCIS was different, that they really were a family.
Tony hadn't known what to believe, but after three tries it was pretty obvious that the police department family was a bust. He figured NCIS couldn't be any worse. He was pleasantly surprised to find that Gibbs hadn't lied.
Gibbs was the father of the family. Ducky, the medical examiner, was the grandfather and Abby, a long lost sister. It didn't happen all at once. Abby had to warm up to him before they really settled into the family roles, but once they did he imagined that this was what everyone else had felt their entire lives. As the years went on, he developed a particularly close bond with Gibbs. He even took to calling him dad.
That wasn't to say that everything was sunshine and roses. He didn't know if it was normal for a family to fight as much as this one seemed to. Nor did he know if it was normal for a father to regularly disappear without telling anyone what he was doing, but both of those behaviors seemed prevalent in his current family.
It all came to a head in the middle of a case, of course. Tony didn't even know what triggered it. One minute his dad was there. The next he was gone, leaving the team to scramble in an attempt to find him. Of course, none of them could agree on where he'd gone, so they'd split up. Tony had found a lead and followed up on it only to wish he hadn't.
He couldn't believe his eyes. He'd finally tracked Gibbs down after the guy went off without telling the team anything, once again. He always hated it when Gibbs did that. The guy was like a father to him and it always worried him when he had no idea where Gibbs was, especially if he could be in danger.
He'd told Gibbs repeatedly not to run off, but the man just wouldn't listen. No matter how much Tony appealed to him as a boss, a father, or even a human being it didn't seem to matter. Now, everyone was going to pay the price. Tony rushed to Gibbs and prayed with all of his might that he was wrong and that Gibbs wasn't actually deceased.
He'd already called dispatch and 911, but as he felt Gibbs' cold lifeless body for a pulse, what remained of the warmth in his body just vanished. They were too late. Gibbs was dead.
Tony just hoped that he'd taken the killer down with him or this case was going to become even more of a disaster. Shaking his head and forcefully pushing all of his emotions down, Tony scanned the warehouse to reorient himself to the case. They'd been working on catching this serial killer when Gibbs had taken off running. Before anyone on the team could react, Gibbs had reached his car and left the scene without telling anyone anything about where he was going.
It had taken Tony and the team another couple of hours to wrap up the active scene and figure out what had caused that response from Gibbs. Well actually, they hadn't been able to identify the reason at all. Each of them had a different idea about what it could be and they'd split up to investigate their own leads. This backfired since Tony was now the only one currently at the new scene.
There was no doubt in Tony's mind that this warehouse, which looked a lot like an abattoir, was linked to their case. He didn't know how Gibbs knew it from whatever he saw at the previous scene, but they would figure it out. They would catch this guy and get justice for Gibbs and all the other bodies. There were so many carcasses in this warehouse, Tony couldn't help wondering just what had happened here.
Tony breathed a sigh of relief when he heard another vehicle pull up. He grabbed his gun just in case, but he really hoped it was the rest of the team. It couldn't be the ambulance as he hadn't heard any sirens.
Tim and Ziva walked in, but they both froze at the sight in front of them. Even Ziva's experience as an assassin hadn't prepared her for the massive amounts of blood and gore in this room. They'd clearly found the kill room. Tony assumed the serial killer had been dumping the bodies elsewhere after killing them purely to get people's attention as despite the mess of blood there was still plenty of space here. They wouldn't have even known about the serial killer if there hadn't been any bodies found.
"Is he?" Ziva gasped, putting a hand over her mouth as if she couldn't dare to speak it.
"Yes," Tony bit off the rest of the words, too choked up with emotion over losing the only dad he'd ever had.
"We will find the ones who did this, yes?" Ziva demanded.
Tim nodded. "We will. It's what he would have wanted."
Mostly to himself, Tony whispered, "We'll get him for you, dad," as he stepped away from Gibbs' prone form and let the ambulance crew that had arrived do their jobs.
Tony didn't have the slightest idea how they were actually going to find the serial killer in this mess. There was so much evidence here, but how much of it would really lead them to the identity of their murderer was anyone's guess. He had a sneaking suspicion that most, if not all, of the blood was the victims.
He just hoped that Abby would be able to find them something that they could use as proof to identify the culprit. Oh crap, Abby. She was going to kill them. No one would be safe from the wrath of Queen Abby with Gibbs gone. This was going to suck.
With a sigh, Tony sent Ziva and Tim back to Headquarters with the evidence for Abby and strict orders not to tell her about Gibbs. He would do that himself, later. First, he had to brief Vance and make a case that their team was the best for the job despite also being the most emotionally compromised.
It wasn't easy, but he convinced Vance to let them stay on the case. Vance finally agreed with the stipulation that Balboa's team work the case with them. Tony didn't have any problems with that. Balboa was a good guy and Tony knew he cared about Gibbs as well. Balboa and his team would be an asset in solving this case.
Next came the hard part, breaking the news to Abby. He didn't know if he was going to get tears, punches, or both, but he knew he needed to tell her before she found out from someone else. With dread filling every step he took, Tony walked down the stairs to Forensics.
He needed to get this over with, but he also wanted to never have to do this. Imagining a towering inferno of dark goth, Tony opened the lab door and quickly shut it. Shielding Abby from view by standing in front of the door, Tony closed his eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry, Abs."
"What?" Abby looked up from what she was doing and met Tony's eyes as he opened them before flinching at the look in them. "What happened? You're scaring me."
Tony opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before finally just coming out and saying, "Gibbs is dead."
Abby gasped. "What?!"
She took a step back in shock before it quickly changed to anger and she marched up to Tony and punched him hard in the upper arm. "Don't lie to Abby. It's not nice. Gibbs can't be dead. He's Gibbs!" She then proceeded to start blubbering.
Tony shook his arm to try and get some sensation back into it. That hurt. "I'm not lying, Abs. He really is dead. The only dad I had is gone." Tony peeled back the mask enough for Abby to be able to see his unshed tears. He wouldn't let himself weep until they found the killer and brought him to justice for Gibbs.
Abby hugged him, while still crying. "I can't believe it. He's Gibbs. He was supposed to live forever."
"He was never going to live forever, Abs."
She made a choked noise. "I know, but I wasn't ready for him to leave."
"It's ok, Abs. We'll figure it out together."
Abby nodded, looking up through eyelashes shining with wetness. "We'll get this guy."
"Yes, we will and you'll help. So get to the evidence finding, my mistress of the dark. Until this case is closed, we can't bury Gibbs and give him the send off he deserves."
"I'm on it!" Abby saluted, stepping back and wiping her face as she turned to start processing the evidence.
With a sad smile, Tony turned and left her lab. They would all be hurting. Every single agent at NCIS would feel this loss. Gibbs had and always would be a legend.
They couldn't let it get in the way of their jobs, however. Tony would send Tim down to comfort Abby later. They both would need it by then.
Ducky and Jimmy had their work cut out processing all of the bodies they'd found in the kill room. Tony was pretty sure they'd enlisted every coroner in the five nearest counties to help them process the corpses with any sort of efficiency. This entire case was a mess.
Balboa's team was working on trying to determine where the killer would strike next. Tony had the MCRT going through the evidence and figuring out what, if any of it, could be used to get a conviction. Tony was determined to make this guy go away for life. In the end, neither team ended up finding the murderer or getting revenge.
The autopsies revealed that one of their remains did indeed match the fingerprints of their perp. Gibbs had gotten the last word, after all. He'd saved them all once again. Not only did he get someone worse than scum off the streets, but he also made sure that no one could attempt a revenge killing and tank their careers because of it.
As the day to put Gibbs to rest finally came, the sun peeked over the horizons casting a soft glow over all those who came to give their blessings and wish him well in the afterlife. Abby absolutely radiated sadness as she walked up to say her goodbyes. Her black attire told everyone just how much she missed him.
Tony was also all in black. He wasn't ready to say goodbye to his dad. He wasn't ready for this at all. The tears poured freely down his face as he whispered longingly of the things he'd never gotten a chance to experience with Gibbs and never would now.
There wasn't a dry eye in the place as Tim and then Ziva had similarly touching goodbyes to give as well. They hadn't even gotten to the portion where they would share their memories and already you could feel the bleakness suffusing the place. They had truly lost a good man, one that would never be replaced.
If this is what it was like to have family, maybe family wasn't for him. Tony couldn't imagine something hurting worse than this, not even his own death. He would have to start all over again and this time there would be no family to support him. He couldn't take that chance anymore.
He would go on alone. It was all he could do. But where did he go from here? Was there anything left? Was there any purpose to his life? Had there ever been one? He didn't know anymore.
He gave up on family that day. He lost a part of his soul and it would never be found again. Other people tried to help, but it wasn't something he could get back. After all, when no one cared whether you lived or died. Did it even matter what you did?