Work Text:
Kunikida was confused, worried even. Dazai had been completing all his work on time for the past week. He should be excited about it but a little voice in the back of his head is nagging at him. Something must be wrong. He needs to talk to Dazai.
He decided to talk to him at the end of the day. He didn't want to distract him from the work hes finally doing. "Dazai, im glad you've been doing so much work lately but I'll admit, it's a bit worrying." Kunikida says "it's so unordinary for you."
Dazai sighs, he knew someone would notice sooner or later, but he was hoping for later. He wanted more time to come up with an excuse. At first he tries to think of a lie. After a pause long enough to make kunikida even more worried he reluctantly says "Have you put together the reason i wear these bandages?" The question clearly makes Kunikida uncomfortable but he answers "Yes. Why?"
"I want you to tell me, just so I know you're right."
"Dazai, what is this?"
He understands why Kunikida is uncomfortable but Dazai needs to know that Kunikida knows. He would rather die than say it himself. "Just answer my question."
Kunikida is hesitant but answers "You use them to cover scars, correct?"
"Yes! So smart, Kuni-kun!" Dazai was clearly trying to put up his happy-go-lucky facade that he had started to let slip but he quickly gave up. His expression went dark, almost solem. "Self harm scars, specifically. But I'm sure you knew that."
Kunikida nods. Dazai continues "I've had a very bad habit of self harm since i was 14. It started to get better when I joined the agency, although I've still struggled. Ive managed to stay clean for eight months. Thats the longest I've ever gone. Recently I'be reallt wanted to relapse, so I've been working to stay distracted."
Kunikida was shocked. Not about what Dazai told him, but that he told him at all.
Kunikida tells Dazai that he can always reach out to him if he needed. Dazai knew he would say that. People always respond with that or disgust when he tells them. Kunikida was too good of a person to be disgusted.
When Dazai returns home the urges get worse. All he wants to do is grab the blade hidden in his bathroom drawer. He knows he shouldn't. He reaches for his phone, going to text Kunikida but he pauses. Kunikida couldn't have really meant what he said. No one ever does. Besides, he's probably busy with his silly little ideals. Dazai slips his phone back in his pocket.
He does everything he can to stay distracted. He cooks, he reads, he watches TV, but nothing can get it off his mind.
He hadn't showered in days. He really wants to, he feels dirty. But he always cuts right before showering. He knows if he goes to shower he will undoubtedly relapse.
He tries to sleep. He really does but he can feel the dirt on his skin and the grease in his hair. He goes to the bathroom, reluctantly starting to unravel his bandages. He sits there in nothing in his boxers, staring at his scars. Theres so so many. Still, he feels like theres not enough.
He wishes he didnt want to but he does. He reaches into his drawer, pulling out his blade. He stares at this too. Eventually he gives up on trying to stop himself and presses it into his skin. He keeps going and going and going until his arms and legs are all dripping with blood. It was dripping onto the floor, he would deal with it later. He turns on the shower and gets in.
He starts to cry. Tears mixing with the shower water which mixes with his blood. He feels so bad. Kunikida will be so disappointed in him, he just knows it.
When he gets to the agency the next day he doesn't bother with his work. There's no point now. He didnt need a distraction anymore. He doesn't even bother to pretend to be happy. He just sits there staring at nothing in particular.
About half way through the day Kunikida notices. He doesn't say anything, he knows Dazai wouldn't talk with the whole agency around to hear it.
Once Dazai gets home from work, he immediately goes to the bathroom, starting to cut again. He hears a knock at the door. Really? Who would visit him right now? Whou would visit him at all? He went to open the door, finding Kunikida on the other side. He looked terrified and Dazai couldn't understand why. That is, until he looked down. He realized that he was so caught up confusion that he didnt clean his cuts at all. Blood was soaking through his sleeves and running down is hands. He wanted to slam the door in Kunikida's face and hide away forever. Sure, he told Kunikida, but he didn't want him to see it. But he was too shocked to do anything. He just stood there watching Kunikida take in the horrible sight.
"Oh Dazai..."
At that, Dazai started to cry. He rarely cried, not this easily. He was just too scared, too guilty.
Kunikida gently pushed his way inside. He grabbed Dazai, careful to avoid any wounds and led him to the bathroom. Kunikida got even more heartbroken when he saw the bathroom. It was covered in blood, dried and fresh. He tried ignored it. He sat Dazai down on the toilet lid. He was still silently crying, to upset to do anything at all.
Kunikida started to rummage through this bathroom cabinets, pulling out a first aid kit. He started to clean Dazai's wounds, slowly and gently. He knew there must be more under his clothes. He asked Dazai if he could take off his clothes to clean the rest. At first, Dazai looked terrified at that idea but then he looked Kunikida in the eye and visibly calmed. He gave a slight nod, barely noticable.
Kunikida carefully stripped Dazais clothes. It took him a second to even process all the scars and cuts. But he needed to stay calm for Dazai. He cleaned the rest as quickly as he could and found more comfortable clothes for Dazai. Kunikida expected him to put on the clothes himself but he seemingly couldn't. Kunikida gently helped Dazai into the new clothes.
He tried to leave after getting Dazai into bed but his hand was grabbed before he could. Dazai didn't even say anything, just pulled him into bed. He curled up against Kunikida's chest. Kunikida stared at him, realizing just how beautiful he looked.
The next morning Dazai woke up dazed. He couldn't remember much of last night but his wrists stung. 'Wonderful' he thought 'I cut again'. The next thing he noticed was that the were clean. Properly clean. It was weird, he never fully cleaned his cuts, he didnt care enough. The third thing he noticed was a gorgeous face next to his. This really confused him. He was convinced he was imagining it, still not fully awake. After a few more moments he realized it was Kunikida. This truly baffled him. Why would Kunikida ever be asleep in his bed. He shook him, just to make sure he was really there. At this, Kunikida woke up too. "Ah, good morning Dazai." he said as if everything was perfectly normal. "Why are you here? I don't understand." As Kunikida filled him in on the previous night, Dazai started to feel worse and worse. "Im so sorry Kunikida, you shouldn't have had to see that. Im sorry you had to clean up my mess." Kunikida did something he wasn't expecting. He reached out, gently touching his face. "Its ok Omasu." Dazai blushed furiously. He shouldn't get flustered at his friend calling him by his name.
Dazai was so mixed up with emotions that he could barely think. He hazily leaned closer to Kunikida. He stayed there for a second before kissing him. Kunikida was suprised, but he leaned into it. They pulled away and simply stared at eachother. They kissed again before Dazai pulled them both down and they fell back asleep in eachother's arms.