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Lloyd flicked his tongue over his canines, hands gripping the bathroom sink. He had never given them too much thought in the past, but now, as he watched himself pin his tongue between his top and bottom teeth he couldn’t help but furrow his brow.
Oni
Was this a part of his oni heritage?
No. Like eyes and noses, teeth genetically could be shaped differently. This didn’t have to be unnatural.
They weren’t curved like the fangs of a serpentine, nor did they come to sickeningly sharp points like OverLord’s; instead they were diamonds that rounded out as they buried themselves in his gum line.
They were entirely human complete with a thin layer of plaque over the enamel, as he had come in here to brush his teeth before bed.
This was stupid. Lloyd was- Lloyd was human. He was at least 50% human, maybe even more than that! (He didn’t know much about his grandmother after all.)
But he was also oni.
Oni and dragon.
50% human, 25% oni, 25% dragon? Or was he more oni than dragon? The genes Garmadon and Wu had inherited hadn’t been split evenly between them. Their physical attributes each clearly leaned more on one side than the other. Garmadon couldn’t pass down the more dragon linked genes if he didn’t get them himself, right?
Was there a Puneet square for that?
BB, Bb, bB, bb - to determine if one would have brown or blue eyes.
DD, Do, oD, oo? - OO, Od, dO, dd? - to see if one would be more oni or dragon.
But genetics were far more complicated than a simple grid could typically show, and this was dealing with the supernatural too… Did it come down to genetics at all or had his grandfather manipulated everything from the beginning?
He had created an entire realm, surely mixing it up with his children would have been a simple feat.
In that was the case, was it bad luck that the son who took on more of the oni side was also bitten by the Great Devourer, or had it been destiny? Was evil attracted to evil?
At this point, Lloyd was itching for a mission. He would do about anything to keep from thinking about all the revelations that had been brought into his life with those cursed masks. Until they had been forced into his life, he had been able to pretend that he was the same as any other human.
Even if his dad had four arms and visible white ribs through his tar black skin, Lloyd was human. Even if his grandfather had been the mythical creator of the very land that he had sworn to protect, Lloyd was still just a man.
He looked no different after finding out. He hadn’t suddenly sprouted horns; his hair had remained a bright blond. His teeth were the same as they always had been.
For a while, he had been allowed to keep ignoring what ran through his blood.
But then he survived the oni cloud (even if barely.)
And after that, he started to manifest magenta powers and glowing pink eyes.
And then, one day, in a fit of grief and rage he sprouted an extra set of arms. His skin turned gold and horns created a crown on his head.
While his brothers harnessed the power of the dragon (despite having none of the beasts’ blood in them,) Lloyd had become… a monster.
He had become evil.
And now he couldn’t go back.
He could no longer pretend and ignore because now the cold caused phantom pains - on his sides where the extra set of arms had burst from his skin. That golden gi in his wardrobe caused him to flinch as he was forced to remember when his arms, legs, and face had all shone that exact same color.
That gi mocked him.
Had destiny been setting him up for that moment all this time?
The gold had been a gift when he defeated the OverLord for the first time.
It came back when the manifestation of evil had risen its ugly head once again.
Golden gi for the first defeat
Golden oni for the third
But the gold had only been good to him. It was the OverLord's golden armor that killed Zane; the golden armor that was made from Lloyd's golden power.
Indirectly, Lloyd had killed his brother.
Thus, the golden ninja created the titanium ninja.
He shook his head at the thought, golden (too much gold) bangs brushed his eyes as he brought his toothbrush up to his mouth.
No.
It wasn’t Lloyd’s fault, and it wasn’t fair of him to take any of the glory from Zane. Zane made himself who he is and it wasn't right for Lloyd to claim any of that identity from Zane, even if it was in a derogatory way.
Identity.
Was that it?
FSM, was he having an identity crisis at 18 years old?
The obvious answer was yes.
He didn’t know what or who he was anymore.
FSM, he needed a mission. He needed something more important than himself that would call him into action.
Something simple really, nothing involving his dad. A mission that didn’t involve dragons or oni.
Few missions in recent times had given that to him.
Closing the bathroom door, he started to make his way down the wooden floors of the Bounty’s hallway. The lights were already out in the shared sleeping cabin, but Lloyd knew he wouldn’t be getting any rest tonight. No point in tossing and turning, potentially waking the rest of the team.
He passed the bedroom and made his way to the deck.
The stars littered the sky, thousands – millions – of lights in a sea of black.
He had been in New Ninjago city for too long. Lloyd had almost forgotten the beauty of the night sky undisturbed by light pollution.
The clouds hung low in the sky tonight which allowed the boat’s hull to part them like waves. Nothing obstructed the majesty of the sky.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
Lloyd nearly summoned air-jitsu from the fright, a girly yelp escaping him as he turned to face the noise.
“Zane!” He whispered screamed before he cleared his throat, which allowed his voice to even out. “You scared me.”
“Apologies.” And while Zane’s voice matched his words, his eyes held amusement. He tilted his head back up to the sky, the metal of his face reflecting back the light of the moon and stars in a mesmerizing display. “What are you doing up so late?”
“Can’t sleep.” Lloyd replied as he plopped down next to Zane, who sat cross-legged in perfect posture. He propped up one of his knees so that he could rest his arms and face on it. It looked hunched and uncomfortable, but it made him feel safe, and if he was going to stay up, might as well enjoy the company. Zane tended to be quiet anyway.
He knew when you didn’t want to talk about it.
“That has been happening to you a lot lately.”
Well- He usually did.
“Hmm.” He hoped it was an appropriately nonchalant enough answer so that Zane would take the hint.
"Lloyd- you need to sleep.” The even voice of the robot wavered. A level of concern that he would have never let stand against him shone forth and was directed at the leader of the team.
“I do! Just…”
“A full eight hours of sleep, Lloyd. I’m afraid your naps can not make up for that.”
Lloyd ignored that, shaking head of the Ice elemental. He instead focusing on taking control of the conversation, redirecting the words like it was an enemy attack and not the worried words of a teammate and friend. “And why are you up, Zane?”
“Because I knew that you would not be going to bed.” And now Zane turned his face from the sky, a soft smile tugging on his lips as he looked at his brother. Lloyd dropped his gaze, tugging the hem of his pajamas.
So much for taking control.
“I don’t mean to keep you up…”
“I’m a nindroid. Sleep works differently for me.”
“I’m oni. Maybe it works differently for me too.” The words managed to come out snapping despite his mumbles and his body reacted accordingly, flicking a glare over Zane before curling in on himself. His nonchalant pose was abandoned to go to the comfort of hugging his knees.
“Oh Lloyd... Is that what this is about?” It was said in a soft mumbling tone - a tone one would use for a child - a flash of metal shone in Lloyd's peripheral as a hand was outstretched towards his shoulder.
“DON’T-" And despite himself, Lloyd balked back, hurt in Zane's eyes as he retreated. "Don’t pity me.” A deep breath. “Sorry- it’s late and I didn’t mean to say all that.”
“It is quite alright, Lloyd. You can-”
“I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s just a lot.” Hands found their way onto the polished wood of the deck, a fingertip resting on one of the nail heads that kept their home away from home in one piece. His mouth betrayed his brain as more words tumbled out - insensitive, bold words. “I mean, how did you feel? When you learned that you weren’t human. How did you- How did you accept that?”
He’d heard the story. He had been told all their true-potential stories enough times that he could give historian worthy accounts of them in his sleep.
Zane’s was a favorite in fact – it was much more dramatic than a rollercoaster kiss by a long shot – even if said rollercoaster was being attacked by anthropomorphic snake people.
But the retellings didn’t change the fact that he hadn’t been there.
For the First Master’s sake, he had hardly gotten to know “human” Zane before he had been kidnapped by the serpentine. Truly, he had only lived with the teen long enough to stain his white gi pink.
To know the person Zane was before, he had to rely on the other’s accounts, and from the way the others described it, “human” Zane was almost a different person entirely.
Ironically, it wasn’t often that Zane was the one telling his story. It wasn’t really a problem as the others were willing to tell it, and honestly it was more entertaining to hear it from the viewpoints of the other boys.
Zane tended to be clinical in his story telling.
And private.
Zane kept the memories from the tree’s workshop close to his chest.
And that was why Lloyd almost considered apologizing and dropping the subject completely, but then again... there was something about the way Zane smiled at him. The droid left his cross-cross pose and leaned his body back, as if he was returning to his stargazing. His eyes were gently closed, his mouth creating the shape of words left unsaid. It almost looked as if he was thanking the cosmos for a victory.
“Come. If we are to have this discussion, we should do it where nosy siblings won’t bother us and the front entrance of the Bounty’s deck is not a good fit for that.”
In a manner resembling that of an old man, joints creaking and everything, Zane got to his feet before offering a hand to the young man besides him.
Oh.
OH!
They were actually doing this then.
Lloyd took his hand.
Zane led them to the back railing of the flying boat, the clouds passing by them instead of coming towards them now. It was darker at the back of the airship as the lights of the navigation were unable to reach them.
It was just the full moon, stars, and the glow of Zane’s eyes to keep them company.
Lloyd sat with his legs under the railing, toes scrapping the clouds below, which made streaks in them as they passed by. He could see Zane’s protection program come kicking and screaming out of him at the sight of Lloyd so close to the edge, but surprisingly, the droid made no comment. Instead, he chose to mimic the pose, pulling his little brother by the shoulder so that their sides were pressed into one another.
The breeze combined with Zane’s naturally low body temperature should have made him shiver; it should have made those cursed phantom pains return, but that isn’t what happened. Lloyd allowed himself to fall into Zane, his head resting against a metal sternum. Zane’s voicebox was kept where the human larynx was, but its vibrations could be felt throughout his chest as a deep, steady timber started to fill the night.
“No one can ever be prepared for a revelation like that. But even so, I imagine I was at an even more substantial disadvantage. Before I knew I was a nindroid, I had relied on algorithms and mimicking to try and emulate the perfect human response. It was subconscious, I would never have been able to vocalized that is was how I thought or processed… and it was a weakness. It left me with large gaps in my emotional processing and I had no algorithms to fall back on when I learned I was a robot. I had no data on how one should react to learning that their view of self was a lie.
And therefore, it broke me.
It was thirty minutes before Cole, Jay, and Kai found me in the treehouse workshop, and I simply had sat in shock until they did.
But with them there, I formulated a plan. I could shift my focus from my lack of knowledge and observe them. I could plan out my emotion. My exact thoughts when they descended the stairs were: 'I will show them my nature and use their reactions to formulate my own.
And thus, I did exactly that.
I gave them no indication, or warning, and it was unkind. We may find it funny now, but the way I revealed it to them was- less than ideal.” He paused when Lloyd gave out a snort, but after a moment, he continued.
“Despite my lack of consideration and their surprise, they still went to comfort me.
I didn't use their reaction to make "my " emotions. Instead, I pushed them out.
That was the first sign of what would become my unhealthy coping mechanism I suppose. However, it did work out for me that time.
I found my memory switch and for the first time in my life I felt alive. I’ve felt more alive knowing I was a nindroid and getting to watch my nindroid childhood, than I ever did as a human.
Simply put, being a nindroid was not what held me back; nor was that the reason that I was odd.
What kept me back, what made me odd, was the absence of my memories.
Before I was trying to figure out who I was, afterwards, I knew who I was.
I know who I am.
I told the OverLord such.
Discovering that I was a nindroid allowed me to reconcile with myself. In learning my gears and wiring, I learned my morals, my happiness, anger, and love. I found my humanity. Robot and human must come to a balance; I cannot be one without the other. At times, one will become overpowering, but I know the other side will follow behind to equilibrate my systems once again.”
His voice shifted, coming out of the groggy, introspective tone. It was similar to when Zane defragged his memories, going from hazy and unfocused at the start of the process and ending with being lighter on his feet and very aware of everything and everyone.
Zane’s white pupils shone brighter than all of the stars. Reaching out a hand, he created a wide arc in the sky as if to follow the silhouette of a bird.
If Lloyd closed his eyes, he could imagine the falcon coming in to land on that outstretched arm.
But Zane didn’t pause to simply observe the stars or imagine his oldest friend. His arms came down to latch onto Lloyd’s crossed ones before pulling the boy tight against his chest. Zane dipped his head so that it rested on Lloyd’s, and from this position, Zane’s eyes were no longer visible to Lloyd. It was the endless sky and the purple tinted clouds that lulled at their dangling feet that made up his view now.
Zane’s cool breaths ruffled his hair.
“Lloyd, you are your own balance. Wu cannot manifest an oni form, just as your father cannot form a dragon. But you - you are both light and dark, dragon and oni.
You fear being like your father, being oni; I fear losing my humanity.
Your oni form can easily be misused, you know this, and I give my highest compliments for being careful in its use – I admit that the same cannot be said about how I have handled my robotic nature. I have abused the fact that I can be rebuilt, that I can turn off my emotions, and there are times where I have been careless with my memory.
You were careful and were still made to be afraid. I was reckless and had to be humbled.
I don’t think that is fair on your side.
I misused my other half until I saw the harm in other beings being able to doing so.
Only then did I became afraid. I became afraid of hands in the dark and cables in my head..."
The grip on Lloyd's arms tightened suddenly, lifting him up. Zane's metal head rested upon the broadening shoulders of the teen who was now practically sitting in his lap.
"Maybe that fear was a balance that was needed to be restored in my life." Mumbled words were presented into the crook of his neck. With a deep, but slow breath, the green ninja caused the white ninja's arms to loosen 'til they were once again sitting with the back of Lloyd's head to Zane's chest.
A gentle breeze ruffled their hair and hissed in their ears as Zane lifted himself to look at the sky once again; artificial breaths fell back into their normal rhythm. Slowly the words started to stumble out again, picking up in speed and confidence.
"Originally, learning that I was a nindroid made me more secure in my being. I knew who I was. I knew why I was different, and I was able to learn things to make life for myself and the family easier. For years I had been lost, but finding that missing part of myself was being whole again, being seen – and thus it was key to my true potential.
People have taken advantage of that. I felt that I was never going to be able to feel in control over my own body again. But, with my prior convictions I was able to rebuild my identity and security. I now know that I will be brought back.
It has to feel different for you. You were giving the barest understanding of the oni before you learned that you were one and that you could access their form. Harumi exploited it and Garmadon was pressuring. Other oni attacked you and your friends.
When I learned I was a nindroid, I was the only one. I was there when the term “nindroid” was coined. Maybe that should have made me lonely, but it did not. Not at first.
It was the OverLord’s nindroid army that changed that. Because despite there being more nindroids, despite sensing that we should intrinsically know and love one another, they were foreign to me. They showed me what being controlled and used looked like. It was losing the part of myself I had regained in the treehouse, all over again.
P.I.X.A.L. growing in her humanity may very well have been the only thing that kept me sane.
The nindroid army was abused, but P.I.X.A.L. was able to break free. It reassured me that humanity could never quite be destroyed.
Even during my reign as the Ice Emperor, there were times I fought back against Vex. In fighting against his control, I was able to access a fraction of my humanity. I wish I had been stronger in that… but even so, I was never fully gone.
You were also able to break free of your oni form. Your dragon, your humanity, brought balance. You never lost yourself.
In the end, I am Zane. You are Lloyd. Our parts have an immense effect on us, quite literally in my case, but we are more than that. You are not just the grandson of the First Spinjitsu Master, Garmadon’s son, dragon, or oni. You aren’t just the green ninja.
You are Lloyd.”
Arms loosened and they came face to face once again. Though chilled by different reasons, the hands of one found the hands of the other. They were held together, clasped over a swirling blue powersource - a heart.
Zane held eye contact even when Lloyd wanted to look away. It wasn’t right for him to see the saline that gathered in the folds of Zane’s eyelids, unblinking lest they spill over. But Zane HELD on as he continued his words.
“Lloyd is an avid enjoyer of the Starfarer comics and a lover of candy. Lloyd is not the best cook, but no one can top his dumplings. He likes his hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped creme, his crepes with a topping of powdered sugar much higher than the recommended calorie count. He makes terrible jokes but gets the most laughs from them. His eyes light up as he recreates our dramatic tales. He truly is the storyteller of the group. He knows history like the back of hand yet hates it with a passion. He is unable to look intimidating but will still defeat you in combat every time. Lloyd is a fighter, physically and mentally.
He has seen his best friends die and betray him; but he forgave his brothers’ betrayals, brought the team back together after the death of Zane, returned to the team after Nya’s.
Lloyd is amazing.”
The metal hand was shaking now, each sentence being told with more and more conviction. Zane believed what he was saying. He believed that Lloyd was-
“Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon is the best little brother.”
All thoughts left him at that moment. For a second he was again that nine-year-old little boy who wanted candy and pulled pranks. He was again the insecure child who wanted someone to read him a story before bed and talk about the latest comic.
He was the one who wanted to hold someone so tight that they could never possibly leave him again and yet was too scared to actually do it.
Because deep down, he believed he should be left.
But the ninja chose to stay.
They stayed through every revelation, and tragedy, and unfair decision.
The ninja decided to keep him and love him. Zane loved him.
At 18 years old, he let himself bury his face in snow white fabric. His scared arms found their way under metal arms and came to rest on metal shoulder blades.
And maybe if he bit his lip, Zane would not feel the hot tears that ran down his face.
“Your love of candy, comics, dumplings, laughter, tall tales- your love for your brothers and sister- Destiny didn’t choose any of that for you. You made it. You made it, Lloyd.
Destiny wasn’t the one who chose me to fall in love with birds and old detective films. It didn’t choose for me to love cooking. It didn’t choose for me to love Kai, Cole, Jay, Nya, Wu, PI.X.A.L., or you. Love is always a choice. And I, for one, think that way of thinking is unquantifiably more romantic than destiny.
So, no matter how you choose to present yourself now: dragon, oni, human, you will always be Lloyd. You will grow and you will change, different parts of your identity and genetic makeup will affect you in different ways and amounts through your life, but you will never stop being Lloyd.
You had dragon and oni DNA before you were aware of it, just as I was a robot before was aware. It changed us both, but it will never destroy us.
To finally answer your question, learning I was a robot was a shock. It made me confused and afraid, but only for a moment.
I was reassured, I was loved, and then I remembered.
I remembered growing up in that treehouse workshop, my falcon friend, and my father. I remembered his lessons and morals – the ones he programed into me.
‘Protect those who cannot protect themselves.’
When I rebuilt myself, I kept those morals, but I didn’t program them perfectly. If I had, my coding - my body - would have torn itself apart before I could even entertain the thought of listening to Vex. But all the same, it was in there.
For a time, I had lost my memories, my name, my being, and I lost my core values as well. But not forever. That choice to follow my father’s mantra brought me back.
I hadn't it copied perfectly - and after the Never Realm, I knew it.
So, I decided: if my code could no longer hold my father’s beliefs, I would make those beliefs my own.
I would to define what it means for myself.
Protect those who cannot protect themselves
Protect those who can protect themselves
and…
I want to work on protecting myself.
What do you want Lloyd?
Who do you want to be?”
It came out as barely a whisper over the wind that started to pick up. The wind that usually made Lloyd so scared - that reminded him of all that he had lost. But Zane held onto him, and the wind seemed to be calm once more.
Just an oni and a robot sitting above the clouds.
Two humans, yet not.
Two ninja.
“I-” He bit back the voice crack before laughing at its presence. Zane knew he cried. Zane knew everything (such was expected from a big brother,) so why did he hide it? Lloyd sat back to allow himself to wipe his eyes. He was emotionally exposed, but he chose to be. It felt right. “I want to be happy.
And good. I want to be good too.”
“How much good do you still need to do before you are satisfied?”
“How much more protecting do you need to do?”
The back and forth was welcome. A distraction from answering the question that he could not answer. Zane was courteous enough to take it. He let go of Lloyd’s hand. Their bodies may have touched no more, but the space between was thinner than before. He didn’t need to hold on to feel connected, Zane was there. That was enough.
“I- I don’t think I will ever protect well enough, just as you will never feel good enough. I say this for both of our sakes, even though I know that neither of us will believe it… You’ve done enough. I’ve done enough. We will never be satisfied, and we will feel guilty when we fail, no matter how low the odds of succeeding were.
Being good – protecting – it isn’t something we can ever fulfill but rather something that we live by. It’s the way we define ourselves.
Maybe that is why you have trouble accepting your oni side? You believe it goes against how you define yourself.
Stop me if I am being callous, but you know that isn’t true right?
It is horribly unfortunate that you learned of the evils of the oni before their good. I imagine Mysake would have been a great teacher if she hadn’t been-
To refrain from mourning, I will simply say that I believe she could have shown you the other side of the oni if only she had been given the opportunity.
Because even the allegories for light and dark - good and evil - have to balance out.
Some dragons caused harm. Their powers of fire, wind, ice, earth, lightning - all can be used to destroy.
Some oni created. They made temples and masks. They couldn’t survive as a species if they were unable to create.
The realms exist in shades of grey. We focus on the good because so many others focus on the bad. All of us have the ability to destroy and the ability to create with our elements. We are not just the protectors of Ninjago, but the balance too.
There will never be an end to the battle of good and evil. The scale will tip until more weight is added on the other side to make it level once more.
So, know that you are good, Lloyd. You are so bad at being bad that you got expelled for it.”
“Right. I wanted to be evil once…”
“You wanted to be evil to please your father. To be “good” in his eyes.”
“Yeah...”
The conversation was dying down now. Zane’s introspection coming to a close as emotions were drip, drip, dripping. The hammer had been taken to Lloyd’s dam and it had broken; there was nothing left upriver to come trickling down.
The lack of sleep hit Lloyd all at once. Limbs were suddenly heavy, unsung yawns hurt his jaw, and his eyes stung with lack of moisture (from the crying or his refusal to shut them for the night? That was the real question.) But there was more thought he had to get out.
“I wish that I could let this go, but I don’t think I ever will.”
“You don’t have to, but I do hope you can find some peace, Lloyd. If it ever gets to be too much know that I will listen. We will all listen, and if you do not want to talk, we will sit with you. You don’t have to be alone.”
“Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for talking with me…” The words got cut off with a yawn, but the grasp he gave as he once again grabbed his brother’s hand was proof that these were not baseless ramblings of a tired young man.
“Of course.” The world was going dark now, laughing at the prideful glory of the stars. Despite Zane’s glowing eyes and white clothes, the fractals of color that swirled behind closed eyelids took over Lloyd’s vision. He was only able to be brought back by the quiet huff of a laugh.
“What?”
“Just thinking…It really is a shame. We fail to express it as much as we should.”
“Express what?”
“I love you.” Eyes bluer than the sea danced in the pale moon light. “I love you, Lloyd.”
“I love you too, Zane.”
And destiny had no part in that. Under the stars, above the clouds, two brothers of different origins were set on reclaiming their identities.
They were human.
And they were loved.