Work Text:
The words I have to say
May well be simple but they're true.
Until you give your love,
there's nothing more that we can do.
Love is the opening door.
Love is what we came here for.
No one could offer you more.
Do you know what I mean?
Have your eyes really seen?
–“Love Song” by Elton John
end credits of 5x06 (The Testi-Roastial)
Pensacola – 1969
“Florida is the penis of America,” Susie loudly declares as she bangs open the door of the hotel room.
Midge looks up from her position on the couch. “I’m guessing that means we’re staying in this room?”
Susie stalks through the small living area towards the bedroom, dodging Midge’s many suitcases and kicking off her shoes along the way. “Fuck this entire state, fuck this city, and most of all fuck the incompetent people who work at this very shitty hotel.” Out of sight now, she shouts the last bit from the other room. “Yes, we’re staying here!”
Midge sighs. She puts down her notebook, slides off the couch, and follows her.
There it is, in all its unexpected glory: two queen-sized beds in a single room. Susie’s standing in front of the full-length mirror and grumbling to herself as she deconstructs the layers of her three-piece suit.
Midge folds her arms and leans against the doorway, watching her. “I know it’s been awhile since we’ve had to share a room, let alone a room this ‘small’ based on our usual standards, but we’ve both had way worse. I once slept on a bench outside–also in Florida, actually–and this room is still three times the size of your old apartment. It’s not that bad, and that’s me saying that.”
“Oh, it’s not bad at all,” Susie says. “I never forget my roots. I’m fine with this, other than your millions of ridiculous suitcases taking up residence in the entryway over there. But that’s not the point. It’s the principle of the thing!”
Midge rolls her eyes and lets the suitcases comment go. “You wanna tell me what they said?”
“Well, I booked our rooms months ago, as you know,” Susie says, launching into story mode. “That’s because your appearance at this event was also booked months ago, as you also know! Since I’m very good at my job, as is Dinah, we knew that as soon as they announced the guests–including you–this entire area was going to get booked out for over a week. So we planned accordingly. But apparently this fucking place is run by idiots, because somehow they neglected to make a record of us booking the two rooms months ago. They just told me that we’re lucky they found space for us at all tonight, and that this was the last room available. I told them that they’re lucky, because if they’d pulled some ‘no room at the inn’ bullshit I would’ve raised even more hell.”
In contrast to her angry words, she’s folding her clothes with the level of care she always uses when it comes to everything nice she owns. She gently places her clothes, hat, and jewelry on top of the small table by the window. It makes Midge smile.
“Wow,” she says. “That was a very long way to say that someone didn’t write our reservations down.”
“Yes, well, I am venting to cope. Allow me.”
Midge spreads her arms in welcome. “Vent away. Anything else you want to get off your chest? Wanna take a dig at the decor? My new hat? Might make you feel better.”
“The decor is piss ugly,” Susie responds immediately. “And I’m tired as hell because it took way too long to get down here and way too long to shake all the hands we had to shake.” She glances at Midge. “But your new hat is very nice. I like that one.”
Midge preens. “Thank you. It probably looks nicer right now because it’s contrasting with the decor.” She waves to the wallpaper.
“Anything looks nicer next to that.” Down to her boxers and dress shirt now, Susie sighs and walks over to the TV. “Jesus, look at this shit. The layout of this room doesn’t make any sense. They didn’t even center the TV between the beds!”
“Maybe it’s supposed to be… what’d that Chinese singer tell us about? Feng shui?”
“Well it’s fuckin’ shit,” Susie says, and it shouldn’t be funny, but Midge can’t help but laugh. Susie smiles. “Alright, get comfortable since we’re in for the night. Let’s see what’s on.” She leans over and starts fiddling with the TV, checking the channels.
“At least this smaller room has a TV. Modern luxuries.”
Susie grunts. “Least they could do in this hellhole.”
The comforting sounds of Susie griping at the TV and switching through programming wash over Midge as she moves around the suite. She wouldn’t ever admit this, but part of the reason she’s not upset about the room mixup is that she’s actually happy to have Susie’s company tonight. It’s been awhile since they’ve done this, and Midge just isn’t in the mood to be alone tonight. She’s felt weirdly lonely recently. The prospect of trying to find something to do in fucking Pensacola of all places, especially after the day they’ve just had, isn’t even worth a passing thought.
She’s not ready to go to bed properly yet though–it’s still too early for that–but it was a long trip, so she’s as eager as Susie to strip down for comfort. After much debate, she allows herself to change into one of her nightgowns but leaves her beauty routine for later. By the time she’s changed, she sees that Susie’s sitting up against the headboard of the bed that’s positioned in front of the TV.
Midge goes towards the other bed, but Susie waves at her. “Nah, get over here so you can actually see properly.” She shifts to the side and pats the mattress.
Midge dutifully climbs up next to her and finally notices what she’s watching. “Is this your weird sci-fi show again?”
“Yes, it’s my weird sci-fi show again. Do not pretend you don’t love it.”
“Hmm. Fine. Uhura is my favorite.”
“I like Bones. He takes no shit."
“Can’t imagine why you like him,” Midge says. She imitates Bones’ voice. “‘Dammit Midge, I’m a manager, not your errand boy.’”
“HA!” Susie laughs. “So you do listen!”
“To you, or to the show?”
“Both. But mostly me.”
“Of course I listen.”
“And then you ignore what I say and make me do shit anyway.”
Midge grins. “Yes, that.” This is not the first time they’ve had a conversation along these lines and it definitely won’t be the last.
Susie scoffs, but she’s smiling too.
They both settle in and watch the show.
And then Midge starts watching Susie.
She doesn’t know what it is, but tonight she feels… unmoored. Unreal. Something inside of her that she can’t put a name to is yearning for… well, she’s not sure, that’s the thing. Midge sort of hates this feeling, especially because it seems unknowable and unnameable, and that isn’t right. She makes a life out of being able to put many of her inner thoughts into clever words. But she has no clever words for whatever this is, or an understanding of it, and she might even be scared to try to figure it out.
But what she does have is Susie. Loyal, tenacious, hilarious Susie, who’s the steadiest rock in the wild storm of Midge’s life. In a weird way, looking at Susie makes her feel calm tonight. Because no matter what’s going on, she has her. Always.
Idly and thoughtlessly, Midge starts cataloging the few visual ways Susie has changed because of the unstoppable march of time. It’s nothing big, not yet, and they’re around each other so often that the changes have mostly felt gradual. Her hair is shorter now and she wears it down; Midge remembers when she first cut it again. There’s a very tiny little bit of gray starting to come in. Her face has maybe one or two more wrinkles, and Midge is pleased to notice that some of them are laugh lines. She hopes she’s helped put them there.
Suddenly, the subject of her staring shifts to meet her gaze, and Midge blinks.
“Okay, hi,” Susie says. “Your eyes are burning a hole in the side of my head. What’s wrong?”
Midge should look away. Probably. Their faces are really close.
At her silence, Susie gets concerned. “Hey. You wanna talk about it?”
Almost imperceptibly, Midge shakes her head.
And then–with no actual thoughts involved and no plan to do it–Midge leans forward and kisses her.
Susie jerks back like she’s been shot.
“What the FUCK?” she yells, scrambling off the bed.
Oh shit. “What do you mean, ‘What the fuck’?!”
Susie looks horrified. “What the hell was that!”
Midge immediately gets defensive, internally reeling at her own actions. “I’m pretty sure most people call it a kiss!”
“WHY?”
“Oh, I don’t know, do you have a dictionary? Maybe we can look up the etymology of the word!”
Midge’s deflective humor makes Susie switch from shocked to angry in an instant. “Oh fuck you.” She starts putting distance between them, walking to the other side of the room, slapping the TV off as she goes. “You don’t get to play games with me, Midge. You can play with plenty of other people, but not with me!”
Midge is suddenly very aware that she might have irreparably fucked up. The realization is like ice water in her veins. She shifts to sit at the edge of the bed but doesn’t stand, afraid to spook Susie further. “No, that’s not– I’m—”
But Susie isn't done. She paces around the room and gestures as she rants, almost panicked. “You want to experiment? Explore another part of yourself? Fine. In fact, I support it! I’ll even help you find someone! There are plenty of nice, chivalrous butches who’d jump at the chance to give you a night to remember, even in the fucking Florida panhandle. Is that what you want?” She waves to the doorway. “Get dressed, we’ll go out. But I’m not gonna scratch whatever itch you got under your skin after eleven fuckin’ years of NOT fucking you just so you can see what it’s like to be with a woman. That’s a line I am explicitly drawing, right now, and I can’t believe it even has to be drawn!”
Midge puts her hands up in the universal gesture of calm down. “No, Susie, I… I know what it’s like to be with a woman. I did that in college. And I—”
“Ooooh, in college. Good for you. You’re an expert then, my mistake. Was that when you were a blonde?”
“Yes.”
Now Susie’s getting mean with it, hackles raised. “Figures. You wanna dye your hair on the way to finding a woman to fuck? Buy some books? Recreate the atmosphere?”
“No, I’m not—” Midge takes a deep breath. “Susie. Listen to me. I know what it’s like with a woman. That’s not what this is about. I…”
Susie crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows expectantly.
Now, faced with having to give an explanation, Midge isn’t even sure what to say. Silently spinning, she does a mental check on herself. Prods those parts of herself that feel so beyond her own understanding, adds in the factor of her recent loneliness, and makes her best educated guess.
Quietly, Midge admits to them both, “I think I want to know what it’s like with… with you.” Once the words are out, they sound right.
“Jesus Christ,” Susie mumbles. “Jesus fucking Christ.”
Midge watches her pace and lets her process. For her part, she tries not to think too hard about anything at all.
“Why?” Susie eventually demands again. “Why now? Why AT ALL?”
“I…”
Again, Midge tries to figure out an answer. She looks at Susie, and Susie looks back. It’s a familiar sight, and that familiarity is what makes her realize that maybe it’s not hard to put this into words.
“You’re the one person who knows me, Susie. The ONLY person. You know every single part of me, except for this. I guess I just… I want to get rid of that last exception between us. And maybe I want to have sex with someone who… who knows me, for once. Just for tonight.”
Susie drags her hands down her face and looks at her with a level of seriousness that Midge rarely sees. She looks tired. “Midge, I mean this in the nicest way possible, and with a little bit of brutal honesty. I know that your world revolves around you, and I have indulged that, probably too much. But this is a step too far. I’ve done a lot for you over the years. I’ve done more things than I should. But you don’t get to ask me to do this.”
Midge is shaking her head before Susie even finishes talking. “I’m not asking. I wouldn’t ask. I’m offering, okay? There’s a big difference. A very big difference.” She wills Susie to understand.
Softly, she adds, “Please see the difference.”
Susie stares down at the carpet like it holds the secrets of the universe. The silence drags on, and Midge decides it’s time for a retreat.
“Never mind. Look, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do,” Midge adds. “Forget it. I just… Well, maybe I thought you might. Want this, I mean.”
Finally, Susie looks back up at her, and now it’s with an expression that Midge has never seen before. Seeing it is the strangest feeling. The fact that there’s something new to see.
“It’s not that I don’t want this,” Susie says. “It’s that I want it too much.”
Oh. Something in Midge’s chest aches worse now, and she immediately shoves it down. That feels a little too close to a truth that’s too huge to process. A truth so huge that Midge has never let herself look at it.
The fact is that Midge can be oblivious to other people’s wants and needs. She’s selfish and self-aware enough to know that by now, at this stage in the game, and she’s also unapologetic about it. Men act the same way or worse, and it’s part of what’s helped make her career, and it will continue to do so. But if there’s anyone she’s ever actually wanted to pay attention to and make happy, anyone at all, it’s Susie.
So, Midge can be oblivious, but she’s also not an idiot. Either way, no matter how good you are at ignoring the elephant in a room, every now and then you still get a glimpse of it out of the corner of your eye. And if she does end up coming face to face with that elephant tonight, she’ll just have to forget it in the morning.
Susie is gazing at her. That’s the only word for it: gazing. Midge thinks she might be gazing back.
They do that for a while. Midge wonders what Susie is seeing.
“Just for tonight?” Susie eventually asks, tentative. Confirming the terms of the agreement.
“One and done,” Midge assures her, for better and worse.
Susie starts making her way across the room and back to the bed, and Midge knows she’s won.
“We won’t let it change anything?”
“Nope.”
“This is a monumentally bad idea.” It’s a warning. Last chance to back out.
Midge doesn’t take it. She’s never been good at heeding warnings. “So was showing my tits on stage, and look where that got us.”
“Yeah…” Susie stops to stand in front of the edge of the bed where Midge is now sitting. It feels right for Midge to be looking up to her; in a way, she always has. “I ever tell you that you’ve got great tits?”
“Couple of times. I’d return the compliment, but I‘ve never gotten a good look at yours. I’m a little closer now though. Literally, they’re right there. I–”
Susie lifts her hands to cradle Midge’s face, tipping her chin up. Midge goes silent, eyes wide. It’s gentler than Midge would’ve expected but also exactly how she would’ve thought it could feel–if she’d ever thought about it.
“Miriam,” Susie says, and there’s affection and patience all over the syllables. “For once in your life, will you please shut the fuck up?”
Midge smiles slowly. “Is this the part where I say ‘make me’?”
Susie rolls her eyes and sighs in exasperation as she ducks down to kiss her.
Midge laughs into her mouth.
—----
Sleep recedes slowly as Midge rolls over in bed. She shifts her arm around, searching for something without even realizing what she’s doing at first. Her arm and brain eventually register that the other side of bed is empty, and that’s what wakes her up all the way.
She blinks her eyes open to look at the clock through the dark. Four in the morning.
Bleary, searching, she sits up. Susie’s in a chair at the small table by the window, her edges barely illuminated by the faint light of a cigarette and the street lamp outside. She has the curtain and the window cracked to let out the smoke. She doesn’t react to Midge’s rustling.
Midge can’t tell for sure, but she thinks Susie might be in her boxers while still shirtless. The shadowed lines of her body are relaxed and shameless.
Midge gets out of bed and grabs the first piece of shirt-shaped clothing she encounters, which—sure enough—is actually Susie’s button down. Midge shrugs it on, closes one button, and crosses the room to sit in the other chair.
Wordlessly, Susie hands her a smoke. Midge accepts and leans forward with it in her mouth, and Susie lights it for her. Their eyes don’t meet.
They sit for a minute, inhaling and exhaling together.
A few minutes or forever later, Midge breaks the fragile silence, talking as quietly as she can.
“That was… really good.”
There’s a ghost of a smile on Susie’s face. “I know.”
A pause.
Still quiet, Midge says, “And we can never do it again.”
“I know that too.”
It’s said with no hesitation. Susie is strangely calm, still without a hint of tension.
For some reason, Midge doesn’t feel the same way. She feels like she needs to explain herself. “I just—”
“I know, Miriam,” Susie says, not unkindly. It’s both resigned and understanding.
Midge swallows down whatever she was about to say and just sits with that. The being known. Maybe more than she knows herself.
And then, because she can’t help it:
“Thank you, Susie. And… I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t mean I’m sorry this happened. She means, I’m sorry I can’t do this again. But she trusts Susie to hear what’s between the lines.
Susie hums and looks at her out of the corner of her eye, assessing. Whatever she finds there must clarify the meaning for her, because she nods and says, “Yeah. I am too.”
Midge nods back. She knows Susie doesn’t mean I’m sorry I can’t do this again. She means, I’m sorry you can’t do this again.
It hurts, but it’s fair.
They sit for an immeasurable amount of time.
Eventually, Midge goes to bed again. She leaves the shirt on the floor and finds her nightgown, and then climbs into the untouched, pristine bed.
When she gets up in the morning, alone in the room, there’s no evidence of what happened. It feels like it was all a dream, and the light of day makes it easier to convince herself that it was.
Then Susie comes in with breakfast, grumbling about endless tourists, and things are exactly as they’ve always been.
—----
New York City – 1990
Susie walks home from The Friars Club and feels fifteen years younger.
For the first time in five years, Midge just spoke to her. Not about her; to her. And she was nice . Kind with her words, achingly sincere in her tone, nostalgic in the things she chose to say. Of course, part of the video was a performance because that was the point of the event and that’s what Midge does; even thousands of miles away, she can’t resist making a room laugh. But the rest of it? Most of it? That was for Susie alone, referencing things that no one else could ever understand.
It was more than an olive branch. It was the whole fucking tree. And Susie’s holding a piece of paper that proves she gets to talk to her again.
She’s already memorized the number just in case, because God forbid some freak incident happens and the paper gets snatched by a bird or blown into a mud puddle or spontaneously incinerated during this short walk home. But even though she technically doesn’t need it anymore, she grips it like a lifeline. It’s worth more than gold to her.
She walks and thinks about what she’s going to say. She’ll start with saying that she’s sorry. Why she’s sorry. Why she did what she did, and why she knows that that doesn’t excuse any of it. Susie’s spent a long, long time imagining and planning the things she wants to say to Midge, but until now, she never thought she’d get the chance to say them. The hope is practically choking her, and she knows she should calm down, but for once in her life she lets herself embrace it.
As soon as she gets home, she walks straight to the phone and dials. The call is picked up on the second ring.
“Hello?"
“It’s me.”
Midge sucks in a breath. “Susie?”
“Hey Miriam.”
“Wow.” Midge exhales. “Haven’t heard that in awhile.”
“My voice, or your legal name?”
“Both, but specifically the name. You’re the only person left alive who calls me that anymore, did you know that?”
“I figured, yeah. That’s me: always the last man standing.” Susie has no idea what the fuck she’s saying.
“Always,” Midge agrees.
There’s a brief but awkward silence.
Just as Susie opens her mouth to get them started on the topics that matter, Midge unintentionally cuts her off.
“Look, Susie… I’m not trying to run away from this, but I do think our first proper talk should be in person. I know if we start now we’ll keep going for hours, and I want to be able to see your face when we talk. I answered because I was hoping you’d call, and I wanted to finally hear your voice. But… I also need to pass you to my assistant so you can plan the where and when. Is that okay?”
Susie does her best to ignore the way her heart sinks, because she gets where Midge is coming from with this. It’s smart. “Yeah, that’s okay. It’s probably for the best.”
“I’m really glad you called so soon, though,” Midge adds, as if Susie wouldn’t have. “Thank you.”
“I called as soon as I got to a phone, I promise. And hey, thank you for the video. I gotta say, it was definitely the best part of an extremely weird night. No contest.”
Midge is smiling; Susie can hear it in her voice. “I’m glad. I’ll see you soon, Susie.”
“Yeah. See you soon,” Susie says softly.
Midge passes the call to her assistant, and they figure out the logistics. Midge will be back in town in three days, and she’s kept that day clear, so there’s no reason to wait any longer than that. Susie’s quietly bowled over by the evidence of Midge’s seriousness and how long she was obviously planning all of this. There’s the making and orchestration of the video setup, the phone number called in with perfect timing, and now this: a day kept open on the calendar, filled with the clear hope that Susie would want to meet.
The amount of effort, especially from Midge, speaks volumes.
Susie’s choice of location is, well, not exactly where it all started–that’s impossible now, because nothing is even close to the same–but the general vicinity. She picks one of her favorite newer restaurants in the Village, where the people know her and won’t have any qualms about renting out a big private room to her and Midge for a few hours. Susie’s hosted a few business meetings there in the past, and both the privacy and food are top notch. Expensive, but hey, money’s no object for either of them anymore.
The three day wait feels eternal. And despite Susie’s efforts to the contrary, she gets less hopeful and more nervous. Business-wise, she’s practically fucking useless at best and a terror to be around at worst.
Dinah calls her out on it. “What’s wrong with you?” she finally demands on Monday morning, because she’s one of the few people who can.
“I’m meeting with Midge tomorrow,” Susie replies instantly. Like she’s been waiting for someone to ask. Or maybe she was waiting for Dinah to ask, because Dinah’s the only one she could have told. No one else can come close to understanding even an ounce of the importance behind those words, and no one else knows enough to not ask for details.
“Got it,” Dinah says, proving Susie right. “Want me to clear your schedule for today?” She’d already cleared it for Tuesday, but Susie hadn’t told her why yet.
“No, that’s okay. I gotta stay busy.”
Dinah side-eyes her but lets it go. “Alright, if you’re sure. But do me a favor and turn it down a notch? There are only so many fruits baskets I can send out before it fucks up our finances.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Susie says, but she relents and makes an effort to stop taking her anxiety out on everyone in the neighborhood.
Tuesday finally comes. Susie overthinks her clothes, the time to get there, and whether or not showing up empty-handed is okay.
Then she looks in the mirror, tells herself “Tits up,” and goes.
When she arrives fifteen minutes early, the hostess informs her that “Mrs. Maisel” is already in the room and awaiting her arrival. Because of course she is.
Susie follows along as the hostess leads her to the back room and tries to ignore how her stomach is in knots.
As they walk, the hostess asks, “Will you be ordering now or later?”
“Later. Got some business to take care of first, you know how it is.”
“Of course, ma’am. Do you want us to check in periodically or give you privacy?”
“We’ll just open the door when we’re ready,” Susie says.
She nods. “Whatever you need, Ms. Myerson.”
“Thanks.”
They’re at the room now, so Susie walks in, and the hostess closes the door behind her.
She turns to see the room dominated by its usual long table. Midge is sitting in the center of it and she looks up when Susie walks in. Their eyes meet.
She looks fucking beautiful.
Susie takes a deep breath and walks to stand behind the chair across from her. “Hi.”
Midge’s face immediately crumples and her eyes fill with tears.
“Oh, fucking hell,” Susie says desperately, immediately off balance. She pulls out the chair and collapses into it. “C’mon, you can’t do that! That’s not playin’ fair! I haven’t even said anything yet!”
“You said hi!” Midge says tearfully.
“What, I can’t say hi? What’s wrong with saying hi?!”
“No, nothing’s wrong with saying hi, I’m…” Midge wipes at her eyes, careful around her makeup. “I didn’t mean to. I swear I wasn’t going to do this. I’ll stop, okay, hold on. I’m just really happy to see you!”
Oh. There’s that hope again. “Yeah?” Susie asks.
Midge sniffs. “Yeah, of course.” True to her word, she’s getting a hold of herself, taking a deep breath and straightening up. No more tears. Which is good, because if that had continued for any longer, Susie might have cracked too.
Now, Susie steels herself. No way out but through. “Well, okay. You want to start, or should I?” Then it occurs to her to add, “And for what it’s worth, I’m really happy to see you too. Even if I’m not crying right now.”
Midge gives her a shaky smile. “Not right now, huh? Did my video make you cry?”
“Yes it did, and fuck you very much for that,” Susie says, easy and fond, no second-guessing it. “In a room full of people, no less, so I had to hide it. Thank God they dimmed the lights.”
Midge laughs, and holy shit, it’s the best thing Susie’s ever seen and heard. “Well, now we’re even.”
“Are we? I mean, all I’ve gotten to say so far is ‘hi.’ I think I have some catching up to do.”
Midge sobers a little at that. There’s a moment of quiet, and then she says, “You can go first then. If you want.”
“Sure.”
Here they go.
Susie knows what she’s going to say. She just hopes it’s enough.
“Miriam, I…” Oh, Jesus. She can’t cry yet. She’s gotta get all of this out first, but it’s gonna be hard. She takes a shaky breath. “I’m more sorry than you can possibly know.
“I wanted you to trust me, but you were right. I was lying to you. I lied by omission. There were things I was scared to tell you because I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to have to deal with any of my shit, or worry about me, because it felt like my job to handle all of it for both of us. But I was also ashamed to tell you those things because I wanted to protect myself. You… I meant it when I said you know me, because you’re the only one who ever has. But for all that time, I didn’t want you to know all of me. I hid the worst parts of me because I thought–I knew –that you wouldn’t like what you saw, and it’d been so long I didn’t know what to do about it.” Susie shakes her head. “God, I couldn’t bear the thought of you looking at me differently, but I should’ve known it was going to happen eventually. And you should’ve gotten to hear about all of it from me. You deserved that, instead of being told by random people or having to hire assholes in suits.”
Midge nods, listening and agreeing at the same time.
“I’m so sorry,” Susie says, and fuck it, now the tears are here. She lets them go. “God, I really am. You were never just my client. We were partners. Friends. I should’ve let you in sooner. And if I get the chance to make it up to you, there’ll be no more secrets between us ever again. I promise.”
Now Midge is crying again too. “We are,” she says, nonsensically.
“What?”
“We are partners and friends.”
“Oh. We are?”
“Of course we are.”
“Okay,” Susie says, and lets herself break down for a minute. She kind of wants to get up and hug Midge, but she knows they’re not done. Midge still needs to have her turn.
Eventually, they collect themselves enough to keep going.
“Thank you, Susie,” Midge says. “I’m sorry too. I really, really am. I… I shouldn’t have reacted the way that I did that day without letting you explain, or without letting us talk about it more. In the moment, I was just… so freaked out when I saw Joel get taken away. When I found out that it was partially your fault… It felt like the biggest betrayal of my life. It was like my entire world came crumbling down.”
Susie nods. “Especially because it hurt Joel. I know.”
“Especially because it hurt Joel,” Midge agrees. “But it wasn’t about him, not really. It was about you and me. I trusted you for so long, and suddenly I just felt like an idiot for it. But in all the time since… I kept thinking about how you said that I know you, and you were right because I did. I do. I knew you well enough to know how to hurt you, and to know that I should’ve given you a chance to talk to me about it. The things I said that day were unfair, and so was leaving you behind so quickly.”
Susie winces, remembering. “It was a clusterfuck. Neither of us did or said the right things that day.”
“Nope. But it was a long time ago.” Midge finally smiles, and it’s like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. “I’ve done a lot of thinking since then, and I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without you in it. I’m ready to go forward, if you are.”
“Yeah. ‘Course I am.” Susie smiles back, tentative. “So… We’re okay?”
“We’re okay.”
They lapse into silence, and it’s comfortable now. Finally, finally, Susie relaxes and feels at peace. She exhales, letting go of the weight of five years of despair.
Midge sighs too, and it sounds like she’s doing the same.
“When I was in Kansas,” she says casually, “I went to the Wizard of Oz museum.”
Susie doesn’t know where this is going, but she’s more than happy to just go with it. She’ll talk about anything that Midge wants to discuss right now. Hell, they’ve got five years of moments to share. Might as well get started. “Yeah, you mentioned that in your video. I thought it was a joke.”
“No, I actually visited it. It was really interesting. And it reminded me of something I said in my 4 minutes on Gordon Ford. Do you remember?”
As if Susie could ever forget. She could probably recite the whole set by memory. She quotes, “‘Being a coward is only cute in the Wizard of Oz.’”
“That’s the one,” Midge confirms. “I still don’t even know why I said that at the time. It’s the one line that never made perfect sense to me every time we played it back.”
“Maybe it was divine inspiration,” Susie suggests. “Listen, I get it. We were both cowards for a really long time.”
“No, I’m not talking about our fight. I’m talking about something else now. Something else that I’ve been too afraid to handle.”
“Okay…” Susie says warily. She knows Midge well enough to sense that something big is coming.
Midge smiles like she’s got a secret, and then she drops eight earth-shattering words. “Susie... You’re the big love of my life.”
Those words make absolutely zero sense. It’s possible that Susie’s heart stops. “I—? You. What?”
Impossibly, Midge shrugs, as if she’s saying well there it is. “Look, I don’t know how you feel, and you don’t have to tell me. You don’t even have to say anything back. After so long, I just… finally want it out there.”
Susie feels like she can’t breathe. She might be hallucinating.
Midge is still going. “I spent decades looking everywhere for someone I could love and who’d love me back. I was looking at men to find that someone, obviously. You watched me do it, and you had to deal with all of the bullshit that came with it over and over again. I kept using Joel as an excuse, too. But now I understand that I was just looking for a man who could be like you, because for some reason I thought I needed to do that. You were right there, the whole time, making me happy. And I was forcing myself not to see you that way because it seemed too complicated. I was scared, and it was easier to push it to the side to focus on my career, like I’ve always done with everything else.
“But somewhere inside, I knew the truth. I’d already been seeing you that way for a long time. And then when I had to live without you for a while… It felt impossible. I had more time to think, so I used it to think about us, and about this part of myself.
“Now I know that I’m done running from it, or pretending, or looking for someone else. I don’t know what this means for us, or… or what it means I am, but frankly, I don’t care about that second part anymore. I’m too old to care. All it means is that you’re it for me, and I want you to know it, even if I’m being selfish by saying it. Just finally getting to tell you is enough for me.”
Midge declares all of this with the levels of passion she usually reserves for the stage, but it’s a speech given to an audience of one. And then she just sits there. Looking at her.
And God, what a look it is.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Susie wheezes. She puts a hand on her forehead and then moves it to her chest. “Jesus shit. Oh my God.” Is Susie having a heart attack? She might be having a heart attack.
“Are you having a heart attack?” Midge asks pleasantly.
“I don’t know!” Susie yells. “Can I have a minute?”
“Yep. You can even have two. I’m generous like that,” Midge says with a grin, and oh, she’s definitely enjoying this. Susie’s going to kill her.
Fucking hell, no she’s not. Susie loves her. But also, wait, Midge loves her?
“What the fuck is going on,” Susie decides to vocalize. Not only does Midge love her –oh my God?–but she also just admitted to things that Susie suspected for years.
“Maybe this was too much to lay on you during our first reunion in five years,” Midge muses. “We did just make up.”
“You think?” Susie demands, then immediately backtracks. “No, hang on, I don’t mean that. I’m glad you told me so soon. Well, not soon. It’s the year nineteen-fucking-ninety, but y’know.”
“Yeah,” Midge says, and she really hasn’t stopped smiling this entire time, has she? “I know.”
Susie takes a deep breath. It’s starting to sink in. And abruptly, she feels very, very vulnerable. Then it occurs to her that Midge just made herself very vulnerable, here in this moment, by putting her heart in Susie’s hands.
Susie calms down and looks back at Midge. Really looks at her.
“You… Do you really? Are you sure? Even after everything?”
“You mean do I love you?”
Susie swallows. “Uh huh.”
“I do,” Midge says, with no hesitation, and Susie believes her. “In whatever ways I’ve got. I’m sorry it took me so long to admit it to both of us.”
“I…” Shit, it’s hard to finally say this. To accept that she can. Midge deserves this – they both do – so Susie forces the words out. “I love you too, you know. I always have, since almost the very beginning. I never stopped.”
The tears are back in Midge’s eyes for the third time. “Well, that’s good. Would’ve been a real bitch if you’d stopped loving me just in time for me to figure out that I love you.”
Susie can’t help it; she starts laughing.
And then Midge is laughing, and then they’re both laughing, and crying a little bit. Laughing at each other, at this situation, at the enormity of their ridiculous lives and even more ridiculous relationship path. The sound of it is sweeter than music.
Susie fumbles a hand out onto the table. Midge grabs onto it tightly.
And together, they hang on.
“They say ambition is an unattractive trait in a woman. Maybe. But you know what's really unattractive? Waiting around for something to happen. Staring out a window, thinking the life you should be living is out there somewhere but not being willing to open the door and go get it. Even if someone tells you you can't. Being a coward is only cute in The Wizard of Oz.”