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It was with a startled gasp that Ciel woke up. The sounds of the thunder drowned out by the thump thump thump of his rapidly heartbeats, shaking his whole being. The blankets were covering his body, but still, a shiver ran down his spine as he stared wide-eyed at the ceiling of his room.
His head was slightly clouded and he felt his skin warm. He sluggishly blinked his eyes, feeling disoriented for a few seconds.
Ciel couldn’t see anything, it was dark. The light of the moon didn't reach him through the curtains.
He took a quick glance at the bedside lamp and realised it wasn’t turned on, which was strange. Sebastian always left the bedside lamps on at night for him, even though Ciel told him he didn’t need to – he knew it must be uncomfortable to sleep with them on – but Sebastian had told him, in his soothing voice and perfect reassuring smile, that Ciel’s well-being came first.
“What kind of fiancé would I be if I didn’t do this much?” Sebastian had said.
At the thought, his heart warmed. Another thunder roared and only then did he notice the rain tapping on the window. With a small gasp leaving his lips, he turned around, wanting to seek comfort in the safe embrace only his lover could provide – but was met with nothing.
Ciel stared at the empty side of the bed with confusion marrying his features. Where was Sebastian? Why was he alone on their bed? Ciel knew it must be late at night, so where could he have gone?
Instantly, flashes of the fight he had with Sebastian some hours prior flooded his mind and he felt a painful tug at his chest. They had fought and Ciel went to sleep earlier, leaving Sebastian alone in the living room. But it was so late now, had Sebastian not come to lay beside him at all?
Ciel shook his head, closing his eyes when a distant thunder sounded, the flashes of lightning briefly illuminating the room.
It wasn’t the first argument they had, certainly it wouldn’t be the last, but despite all the disagreements they had, never had they slept in different rooms. Sebastian could be fuming at him and Ciel could be seething with anger, but at night they’d always lay beside each other, ask for forgiveness and hold each other close. Surely this time wouldn’t be different, right?
Sebastian would never leave him, the man himself had promised this, and Ciel believed it with his whole heart.
Despite trying to reassure himself, he bit his lower lip in worry. If Sebastian had indeed come, he’d have turned the bedside lamps on. That just meant he hadn’t laid beside him at all.
Is Sebastian so mad at me he didn’t even want to sleep with me? No, he shook his head again, that couldn’t be it.
Maybe the bathroom? Yeah, perhaps Sebastian had just gone to the bathroom.
“Sebastian,” he called, looking at the closed door of the ensuite bathroom. No answer was heard.
It was dark, too dark and silent. Normally, he would’ve relished in the silence, but at the moment combined with the heavy darkness it was suffocating. The blankets covering him were suddenly too hot and he was beginning to feel slightly breathless.
“Sebastian?” he called again, voice a tone above a whisper and with a trembling edge to it.
He lifted a hand to touch Sebastian’s side of the bed, seeking what should be left of his warmth. Instead, it was cold, strengthening the idea that his lover hadn’t really come to bed.
Flashes of the horrid nightmare that woke him up came to the front of his mind. The darkness was like a heavy weight, pressing him down and the rainstorm became too loud out of a sudden, each thunder shaking him to his core. It was all too much, he couldn’t bear it.
After a particularly loud thunder, Ciel finally couldn’t hold it anymore. He bolted out of the bed with a whimper, throwing the blankets to the ground, almost falling too. He never liked storms, it reminded him of that terrible night in his childhood.
Barefeet, he ran out of the room. Maybe Sebastian is in the kitchen. He could be making tea, that’s why it took him longer to return to bed. His mind tried to placate him, to calm his nerves.
He couldn't see anything, running blindlessly. He tripped, hitting his hands and knees on the cold floor, but he quickly got up and continued on his way to the kitchen. When he reached the threshold he stopped, out of breath and lips wobbling, ready to cry.
It was dark too. No lights were on and there was no sign Sebastian was there.
“S-Sebastian!” but no one answered him.
Biting back a whimper he hugged his arms around himself, whole body shaking with the sheer effort it took him to breathe. The whole apartment was dark and the only sounds were of Ciel’s labored breathing and the raindrops tapping on the windows, as if begging to be let in and drown him.
His chest hurt from how violently his heart was beating inside his ribcage and he let himself fall to the floor, sobs echoing in the otherwise silent apartment.
Sebastian had left him. That was the only explanation for it all.
Tears were falling down the curves of his cheeks nonstop and he didn’t try to fight the loud cry of despair that left his mouth. Even his bones were shaking and his whole body hurt so much.
“Sebastian… Sebastian…” the name kept falling out of his quivering lips, but no matter how many times he said it, no one came.
The angry tone of voice Sebastian used when they argued with each other earlier ringed in his ears and the images of his nightmare invaded his mind, mixing together until Ciel couldn’t discern what had really happened and what hadn’t.
If he closed his eyes, all he saw was Sebastian looking down at him with contempt, his words sharp as a blade and meant to hurt, piercing through his heart, before turning his back and leaving Ciel alone.
But if he kept his eyes open, only darkness and cold surrounded him. The loneliness enveloping him was too much; it was assaulting his senses, leaving him so scared and overwhelmed, he felt he’d collapse at any second.
The looming darkness seemed to want to engulf him and press him into it.
Then, a loud thunder shook the entire apartment, the flash of white from the following lightning momentarily blinded him and at last, Ciel wasn’t able to bear it all any longer. With a whimper, he tightly clutched at his chest and ran back to his bedroom, curling into a ball on the bed. The pain of not having Sebastian there was unbearable and all-consuming. He couldn’t believe it, didn’t want to. Sebastian would never leave him.
But he just did, a voice hissed from inside his head. He left you for good. Not even Sebastian could stand your antics anymore.
“T-that’s not true,” he stuttered out loud. “He said he loves me.”
He lied, you fool. You knew better than to trust people.
“H-he asked me to marry him…” he shut his eyes tight, hands flying to his hair, pulling at the strands to make the voices stop.
It was a futile attempt.
A mistake he realised, that’s why he left.
“He didn’t leave me… h-he didn’t. Sebastian loves me,” he swallowed thickly, finding it harder to get air in his lungs each time he inhaled.
Then where is he? Sebastian abandoned you. Left you all alone, as everyone always warned you.
“N-no… Sebastian, come back! Please!” Ciel sobbed, tears and snot running down his face.
He won’t come back, stupid. You told him yourself to leave, remember?
Had he? Had this truly happened or was it only his nightmare? No, no, no, no… he’d never tell Sebastian to leave, not even in the throes of anger.
“S-Sebastian, please don’t leave me…” he whispered, curling into himself more and more. “Don’t go… Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian…”
Like a one-word prayer, Ciel kept calling, his lover’s name leaving his lips in broken sobs that wrecked his entire small body. His chanting invoked no one, only the growing loneliness and despair trapping him in the dark, the rain falling outside harder.
He opened his eyes and lifted his head, but just then, a blustering thunder made his insides tremble, instantly followed by another and another, frightening Ciel so much he choked on his spit.
“Sebastian!” he yelled, shutting his eyes again, fingers pulling at his hair harder. The pain went unnoticed by the force of fear harshly tugging at his chest. “Sebastian!”
The consecutive thunders were so strong, he felt as if they were coming after him. Like a ferocious beast, circling its talons around his neck, repressing him of any sliver of air he tried to gulp to fill his lungs with. He felt as if he was being pressed down against the mattress, and he just wanted for it to end.
“S-Sebas… Sebastian..!”
No air reached his lungs anymore and he was beginning to feel lightheaded. He couldn’t cry for Sebastian to come anymore, the only thing leaving past his lips were choked sobs and incoherent sounds. His throat was dry and hurting, as was the rest of his petite body.
A violent shiver took his whole body, his throat raw with the pained cry for Sebastian as another thunder roared – and then there was warmth.
A familiar and comforting touch fell upon him, enveloping his body in the most gentle way, momentarily drowning out the rainstorm, leaving a muted silence stretching in the room. Then, a soothing voice was heard over him, but for some seconds, Ciel could not make out what they meant nor whom they belonged to.
“Ciel! Ciel, what’s wrong, baby?” the voice said, its timbre deep and comforting all the same whilst they held urgency, and Ciel realised a large hand pressed against his quivering back.
He quickly raised his head, eyes widening at the sight of his fiancé leaning above him, a worried look on his face, lips drawn in a thin line.
“S-Sebastian!”
Ciel didn’t duel over it and immediately threw himself at the man, sobbing into his shoulder, snot consequently dirtying the fine material of Sebastian’s clothes. With so much emotions coursing through his body at the moment, Ciel hadn’t even realised the man was already dripping wet.
The cold wetness didn’t bother Ciel though, he felt such relief at feeling Sebastian against him, his hands holding him back, that he almost shook with the force of it.
“Shh, I’m here,” Sebastian whispered into his ear and he caressed his back. “I’m here, baby.”
“Y-you weren’t,” Ciel nasally sobbed. “I-I was a-alone.”
“I’m sorry, it was my fault,” Sebastian kissed his hair. “Please stop crying, I’m here now. Breathe slowly, like I taught you before… that’s it, you’re doing so well.”
Ciel gasped, trying to do as Sebastian told him, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…
Slowly, his breathing returned to normal and his senses began to come back to him. He felt sore everywhere, the sound of the rain tapping insistently on the window, Sebastian felt cold and damp against him, but he’d be damned if he’d let go.
“Are you calmer?” Sebastian asked, his fingers never stopped caressing his lover’s body.
“Yes,” his throat hurt and his voice was hoarse.
After that, silence fell over the room again between the two occupants. It was after the sound of a distant thunder which made Ciel cling tighter to Sebastian, that the latter decided to speak again.
“What happened, Ciel?” the man’s voice was just a tone above a whisper so as not to startle his still frightened fiancé. “Was the storm that woke you up?”
Ciel nodded then shook his head. He wasn’t sure anymore. Did the storm wake him up or was it the nightmare? Either way, both left him panicked to say the least.
“I-I, you…” he tried to formulate an answer, but his brain was still fogged with fear. In the end, only stuttered words left his mouth.
“Shh, it’s okay, take your time.”
“You left me,” he managed to say in the end, gripping Sebastian’s clothes in his fingers. “I-I woke up and you weren’t here… I thought you had abandoned me.”
“I would never,” Sebastian was quick to soothe the other, seeing as he was tearing up again. “You had a nightmare, didn’t you?”
Ciel nodded, a whimper at the back of his throat at the memory of such a horrid dream. How come Sebastian knew him so well?
“I’m sorry I left without a notice, I thought you wouldn’t wake up before I returned,” Sebastian began explaining. “I should’ve expected it, it was entirely my fault. You always have nightmares on nights like these, especially if we had any arguments.”
“Where did you go?” Ciel asked in a small voice, grip tightening on Sebastian’s clothes and unconsciously biting his lower lip. He was kind of afraid of the answer, but Sebastian was still keeping him in his safe embrace so he felt the slightest bit brave.
“I went to the drugstore to get your medicine.”
“But I’m not feeling sick…” he then noticed the clouded state his head was in, the heat coming from his own skin, his stuffy nose. “... oh.”
“When I came to bed I realised you were burning up, but when I went to get your medicine I saw we were out of it,” Sebastian caressed Ciel’s fingers, smoothing them from their vice-like grip on him. “I thought I could go and return before the rain got heavier and you woke up. It seems we’re out of energy now, I left the bedside lamps on for you.”
“Sebastian,” Ciel cried, burying his nose deeper into the man. He couldn’t believe he had thought Sebastian had truly left him. He felt shameful. “I was so scared you had abandoned me, I shouldn’t have doubted you…”
“It’s okay, baby, I’m not mad,” Sebastian pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead. “I know of your fears, it was my fault for not leaving behind at least a note.”
Ciel leaned back just a bit so he could stare at Sebastian’s face, soak in his eyes and affection that simmered off his carmine orbs. Sebastian gave him a sincere, reassuring smile before pressing his lips against his wet cheeks, giving them each a lingering kiss and then kissing his beloved’s lips.
“I need to change out of these clothes, your shirt is getting soaked too,” Sebastian pointed out, already leaning back.
“Don’t,” Ciel was quick to cling to him tighter and pull him back against him. “I want - I need you here, holding me.”
“I’m not going to run away, baby,” Sebastian giggled before kissing his nose. “But we both need to change, lest you get sicker. After that, I’ll give you your medicine, okay?”
Ciel bit his lip but reluctantly nodded his head. Sensing his hesitancy in letting go, Sebastian picked the boy up in his arms, his legs instantly wrapping around the taller’s torso and arms hugging his neck, as Sebastian took him to their walk-in closet.
“Pick something for us, then? My hands are full,” Sebastian smirked, the sight making his fear slowly ebb away.
With a smile of his own, Ciel stretched his arms to get him and Sebastian a new change of clothes. Sebastian teased him when Ciel picked out his lover’s t-shirt to wear, to which he replied by showing the other his tongue.
“Not childish at all,” Sebastian ironically said, but there was a smile tilting his lips upwards and he indulged Ciel.
Ciel was carefully placed on top of a drawer as Sebestian quickly changed him and then himself, before taking Ciel in his arms again. On their way to the kitchen, Sebastian left their wet clothes in the bathroom and took the small bag he got from the drugstore.
“I’ll put you down again real quick, okay?” Sebastian pecked his lips before placing him on the counter and proceeded to search for some candles to light the kitchen.
Ciel fidgeted with his fingers as he watched Sebastian place a candle on top of the table and another on the counter. He poured milk into a pot to heat, then moved to prepare his medicine with practiced movements, while making sure he stayed as close to Ciel as possible.
“I could’ve done that while in your lap,” Ciel spoke, just to keep the bad thoughts from invading his mind again as they were wanting to.
At that, Sebastian turned to look at him, a small laugh leaving his lips in a pretty smile. “You’re a disaster in the kitchen alone, what do you think would happen if I let you do it while balancing you in my arms? In the dark no less.”
“I’m not a disaster,” Ciel huffed, a pout frowning his lips. “I can make tea perfectly fine without your help.”
“You do, and it tastes delicious,” Sebastian approached him and cupped his face, thumb running over the dried tears gently, his expression softened by the candle’s soft glow. “But let's not forget your adventures in the kitchen don’t usually end up well. Remember that last time you tried to bake without my assistance?”
“I don’t remember anything, actually,” Ciel crossed his arms, trying to keep the smile off his face. “The cupcakes tasted good.”
“They did, after I stepped in. But I’m not surprised you forgot, I had to clean the mess alone, after all.”
“Hey, I helped you too!” Ciel protested.
At the rumble of a thunder, Ciel flinched and Sebastian rapidly placed both of his hands on Ciel’s ears, staying that way for a while to muffle the next thunders. Sebastian waited for his lover to calm before slowly retracting his hands, letting his fingers linger on his cheeks.
“Oh, so you do remember?” Sebastian gave him a smirk, trying to distract Ciel as he leaned in closer, bringing the latter to the edge of the counter so he could press their bodies together.
Ciel let himself be manhandled, grateful for the distraction, although he huffed in response, not able to hold in his smile from showing. When Sebastian leaned even closer, he laced his arms around his neck and kissed his lips. Since they were pressed chest to chest, he could feel the rumble of Sebastian’s laugh before he kissed back. It was all he needed to feel grounded again.
The kiss was short. Sebastian pecked his nose before stepping back to pour the now warm milk in a cup. He then took the medicine and handed it to his pouting lover, who reluctantly took it.
Sebastian couldn’t suppress the smile adorning his lips at the sight of his adorable soon-to-be husband as he took the bitter medicine. As Ciel made faces at the bad taste, Sebastian took a small vial full of honey and poured a considerable amount into the cup full of milk. He gave it to Ciel after stirring it a bit.
“Careful, it’s hot,” Sebastian said with a quick kiss to his hair.
Ciel brought the cup to his mouth, blowing on the liquid before taking a small sip from it. As soon as the beverage was swallowed down his throat, it instantly soothed it and made him feel calmer, leaving a warmth blooming inside his belly, spreading through his body.
As he watched Sebastian take the medicine and honey to put it away, he couldn’t help but feel his chest swell with affection. He didn’t need to complain of the bitter taste of the remedy, Sebastian already knew he would want something to sweeten his mouth after taking it – he always did this, Ciel mused, give him a sweet after a bitter medicine. He also hadn't needed to tell Sebastian how sore his throat was or how tired he felt, Sebastian already knew he wanted something to comfort him.
Ciel loved him oh so very much.
He didn’t know what he’d do if Sebastian didn’t want him to remain by his side anymore. The thought alone was terrifying, even more so considering the earlier events.
“Are you feeling better, baby?” Sebastian was close to him again, his fingers drawing comforting patterns onto his waist.
“Much better,” Ciel leaned his head to his shoulder, breathing in his lover’s scent. “Thank you, Sebastian. You know I love you, right?”
He felt he should make this fact clear, in case he hadn’t done it before. He needed Sebastian to know, even if he already did. He needed to say it out loud at that moment.
“I know that, baby,” Sebastian replied softly, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead, tightening his hold on Ciel. “I love you too. Don’t forget it, okay? I’ll always stay with you. Whenever you need me, feel scared, or just want attention, call me and I’ll come. I won’t ever leave you, it’s a promise.”
Nodding his head, Ciel could only sniff and close his eyes, tears falling anew but for an entirely new reason. Oh, he was so glad, so thankful that Sebastian loved him. How could he ever show him all the love he received from this man he could call his?
“Shh, don’t cry, baby,” he felt Sebastian kissing him again, then strong arms lifting him from the counter and holding him once again in the safest place there was.
Ciel was careful to hold onto him without spilling milk all over them. His eyes were beginning to feel heavy, and the symptoms of his sickness became more apparent by the second now that his earlier attack had worn off.
With bleary eyes, he observed as Sebastian carefully put the candle he took from the kitchen on top of the bedside table. After that, with slow and gentle movements, Sebastian placed Ciel sitting down on the bed, picking up the blankets on the floor as he made his way to his side of the bed.
Ciel was at his side the moment Sebastian sat on the mattress, head falling to his shoulder, taking small sips of his drink. He felt the warmth coming from Sebastian as the latter passed an arm around his body, pulling him closer.
It didn’t take long for him to feel sleepy, too tired to even remain with his eyes open. Sebastian noticed this, took the cup from his hands and put it away on the bedside table.
He laid down on the bed, pulling Ciel down with him and covering them both with the blankets. He brought Ciel’s head to rest on his chest and he held him protectively with both arms, a hand going to rest on his exposed ear, giving him a last kiss on his honey-sweetened lips.
The way they were pressing so close that they could feel each other’s heartbeats, eased him and drowned out the sound of the rainstorm outside. They way Sebastian was holding him close, caressing his back in the most tender way and humming a low song to lull him to sleep, it made the last of his insecurities fade away into nothing, leaving him full of only Sebastian’s unconditional love.
The next time a thunder sounded, the sound was drowned by Sebastian’s soft voice into his hair. He wanted to reply, but felt drowsier with sleep by the second so he settled in pressing closer to his companion.
“Sweet dreams, Ciel,” he let his lips linger. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”
And Ciel had no doubt he would.