Chapter Text
“My daughter has been shot. So right now my focus needs to be on her. Not you”.
“Lisa” she breathed as the blonde slowly turned to make her way back into side room.
Carla stood still frozen to the spot. Trying to find the words, any words to stop what was infolding right in front of her. She was mute, dumbfounded. Her ears ringing out, frame shaking. She wasn’t quite sure what had just happened, what this meant. How on earth she was going to move forward from this. How she would ever fix the ache that now sat on her heart.
Had Lisa just finished with her? Called time on their love. The way she looked at her as she said those words,
“I should’ve trusted my instincts”
Carla gasped at the thought. It had stung somewhere deep within.
And all at once, suddenly, she couldn’t breathe, wasn’t sure if she could move even, but she needed to. Needed to get outside, needed the fresh air, the safety of her car. To be alone and breathe.
She pushed her way out, not looking back once. The tears had began their descent down her cheeks as she continued to move aimlessly through the corridors, trying to find the exit of this maze. Her mind and stomach spinning.
She reached her car, fumbled with her keys to unlock and slide down into the driver’s seat, slamming the door behind her.
And breathed. Deeply. Frantically.
Like she had been holding her breath under water and was on the cusp on drowning before coming back up at the very last second for air.
She stared ahead through the windscreen. Those same words ringing in her ears. The way Lisa had looked at her, looked through her like she didn’t even know her. The way the words had rolled off her tongue, the blame so easily placed onto the brunette. Those green eyes burning into her soul, like she resented her. Hated even knowing her, loving her.
But it was all so confusing. Where had it come from? Carla recognised it had only been thirty minutes before Lisa’s outburst that they had been holding hands, arms, skin on skin contact anywhere and everywhere that Lisa needed. Carla had sat there with her through the night, holding and caressing her. Soothing her and Lisa had fallen into it every time, let her take her weight. Let Carla hold her. Like they were a team, a united front. Unstoppable.
And then in the blink of an eye she had just turned on her like that, recoiled herself entirely from Carla in a way that made a thick bile begin to rise in the brunettes throat. Fingers gripping tightly around the steering wheel, knuckles white from the pressure as she held herself there, trying to settle, trying to make sense of the mess that had just unfolded.
After what felt like 3 days, Carla started the car engine up, and made her way, reluctantly, back to the flat. To their home. The safe space they shared together. She wasn’t quite sure yet how on earth she was going to sleep in that bed, smell Lisa’s skin and hair on their sheets and fall asleep comfortably. Couldn’t yet decide if that fact was indeed a blessing or a horrid, awful curse.
She drove back in silence, trying to focus on the road. Nothing to keep her company apart from the loop of thoughts that were flickering through her mind erratically like an out of sync picture book.
And she suddenly hated herself. Suddenly became aware to the fact that maybe this was all her fault.
Maybe she was to blame for Betsy’s involvement. Rob was an extension of her afterall, and she’d always felt responsible for him her whole life, they both knew that. And with that responsibilty came the undeniable ideology of taking the good with the bad, and even now, knowing the person that he was, she was still attached to him. To that life, because how could she not be? He was her baby brother. Her only link to her upbringing. And Lisa probably looked at them now like two halves of the same coin. Counted every one of Rob’s bad choices as Carlas. Rob’s bad blood, as Carla’s.
And what would she ever do to be able to erase that mindset? Could she ever erase that mindset? Now. With everything that had happened. Lives altered, potentially, forever.
But Carla had given Lisa plenty of opportunity to have a way out. Plenty of chances to run and turn her back on her and them and the potential that they had. And every single time Lisa had turned that offer down. Insisted that she was going nowhere, that she wanted her, wanted to be with her and that she could see a future together. So why now?
As she sat in her car trying to intricately analyse the last 30 minutes of bombshells, barely even focused on the traffic, tears rolled and fell from her eyes and into her lap the full drive. Her face wet and her thighs coated with evidence of her agony. Her hurt.
She pulled up and parked outside, stared opposite at their front door. Prayed to every god that no one was going to be there. Needed desperately to be alone. To think. To spiral, without anyone trying to force her to think logically.
She turned the key and pushed her way in, made it upstairs and unlocked the door.
To silence.
She clicked it shut behind her and stood. Taking it in. Unsure where to go. What to do with herself. Had prayed to be alone but now had no fucking idea how to even move her body, her hands. What to do with the emptiness. The emptiness of the space, but more so the emptiness in her chest.
She breathed deeply, wandering over to fill the kettle and boil, it felt appropriate. An easy task that was achievable. She was sure even she wouldn’t be able to mess up the simple act of making a brew.
The kettle roared and fizzed as it boiled. She was glad that something had cut the tension of the space, felt sad when it flicked off to indicate the end.
And silence again.
The end of a kettle boiling and it was too much. She started sobbing, loudly.
Sliding down the fridge to sit on the floor, her head in her hands. And as she sobbed with sadness and despair, her mind still racing at a million miles per second, she slowly started to feel an anger bubbling in her stomach. She screamed out, howled uncontrolled into the room. From the pit of her stomach.
An anger at Rob, at her fuck up family that always rose their ugly head to ruin things for her. An anger for herself, for believing, feeling safe enough to consider the possibility that this relationship could be end game. Could be it for her. Angry that she had loved so much. And angry at Lisa, for letting her. For wanting her and loving her as she did, and then snatching it all away without a seconds notice. It was harsh and unexpected and so, so, so fucking
Predictable.
Course it was, ever relationship she’d been in had showed its true colours eventually. Nothing good ever lasted for long, not where Carla Connor was involved that was for sure. But she was sad, and sick to her core that for the first time in her life she had hoped and prayed that this one would have been worth all the pain and agony of the others. That this one would last because it was real. It felt like nothing else before. The first and only time she had ever felt truly alive.
Her torturous thought’s consumed her and before she could think practically about the next steps, what would best make sense, she decided that she needed to go back.
Didn’t have anyone there to stop her. She glanced at her phone next to her, no missed calls, no texts.
The time had passed at an incredible speed and she realised she must have been sitting in the car, on the floor for way longer than she knew as it was approaching evening, getting darker outside. And there was no way she could sleep.
So she had to go back. Had to fight, do something.
She stood up and went to her room, grabbed a large overnight bag from the bottom of her wardrobe and began to fill it. Delicately folded a fresh pair of comfy joggers and a sweater for Lisa, clean underwear, her toothbrush and face wash. She clocked her perfume on the side, smelled it. Inhaled it. Her.
Her throat swelled with the lump that had just crept up. She swallowed hard, shook it off, couldn’t get emotional anymore. Had to act and not feel.
She went to Betsy’s room, packed her iPad and charger, a book, some clean pyjamas, her bunny teddy and toothbrush.
And she wasn’t sure why she done it. Wasn’t sure what had come over her to think it was the right choice but just before she pulled the zipper closed on the full bag, she popped in a polaroid that was propped up on Betsy’s bedside table.
The three of them on Christmas day. Smiling wide, squashed faces and bright eyes full of happiness, of love and optimism for their future they so desperately wanted together. Betsy nestled between Lisa and Carla. Like the perfect puzzle. The perfect concoction that just worked seamlessly together. Just made sense.
She wiped a tear from her cheek as she dropped it in. Closing the bag and heading for the door.
The drive was long, much longer than it felt leaving earlier. She figured it was anticipation. A feeling of uncertainty that she had acquired with each mile that had passed, each bit closer she got.
She wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting. Lisa had clearly indicated that she needed time, space, to break-up.
Whatever it was, Carla knew that she meant she wanted to be away from her for some time.
And so here she was, driving straight back over there.
Glutton for punishment.
But she couldn’t let it go, couldn’t just not go back? How could she? Just abandon Betsy during her lowest ep. She loved the girl like a daughter, their ever-growing bond unmatched over the last few months.
And even if Lisa never wanted to see her again, finished with her right there and told her she was done for good. There was something inside of the brunette that knew there would be no way she would walk away from Betsy. Would still try to see her when she could, keep up to date with her life, make sure that she was working hard, behaving herself, believing in herself.
Lisa couldn’t take that away from her.
She wouldn’t let her.
She pushed into the hospital, round the swirling corridors and through the never-ending stream of clinical doors, until she reached Betsy’s ward. Reached Betsy’s room. She stopped dead in her tracks, bracing herself, squeezing tightly at the handle of the bag.
She glanced through the window. Could see in the dim lighting that Betsy was fast asleep, Lisa sat beside her on a big chair, arms crossed and her eyes closed lightly.
And the anger came back as she watched her sitting there, resting there. Knowing what she’d just said to Carla, the choice that she’d just made and she was comfortable enough with that to just drift off to sleep? Just cut her off like that, so easily.
Like it was nothing to her. Just another day at the office.
It was so unfair, so wildly confusing. Carla felt sick to the pit of her stomach. She bit hard at the inside of her mouth to stop the tears from gushing down her face. She couldn’t be angry now, it wouldn’t help. Tried to convince herself that she couldn’t even be emotional. She just wanted an explanation, just wanted, needed more.
She pushed the heavy door open very slowly, quietly. Careful not to disturb the space, wake Betsy.
At the very moment as she entered the room undetected, she was half tempted to drop the bag and run. Panic rising in her. Desperately wanting answers but her body clearly also desperately trying to avoid what she might be about to hear.
She placed the bag lightly down by Betsy’s bed. And went to turn, to leave. Abruptly. She placed her hand on the wood to pull and,
“Carla” Lisa said, quietly, barely audible.
Carla turned to face her, biting her cheek hard at hearing her voice, soft like that.
She could not cry, not right now.
Do not cry.
“Sorry, I just-“ she started. Swallowing hard to rid the emotion. Trying to read Lisa’s exhausted, broken expression.
Couldn’t quite determine if it was a flicker of hope that she seen in her eyes, a little bit of happiness to see her, relief. Or if it was something entirely different all together.
“I thought I asked you to stay away” Lisa said, her expression shifting immediately.
Ah, there it is.
Something entirely different altogether.
Carla nearly gasped, she hated it. Hated the way she was looking at her, speaking to her like that. She had no idea what she had done, how it had come to this. But fuck, was she pissed off.
“Lisa, I was bringing a bag. Of clothes for you and Betsy. I just thought it might be helpful. So I’ve brought it and I’ll go now” she said turning, her voice cracking right at the end of the sentence. She gripped the door handle tightly, her back now to Lisa.
Waiting. To be stopped? To be interrupted. Anything.
But nothing.
She turned back.
“Can we speak outside the room for a second?” she whispered, still aware that Betsy was sleeping, trying not to wake her but unable to leave. Couldn’t go.
“Carla I said-“
“Lisa, I know what you said but can you just at least give me 30 seconds of your time to, you know, maybe give me the chance to understand? And then I will leave you alone” she said cutting her off, vulnerability seeping through. Angry that she was somehow now having to beg for Lisa’s time. The notion of it sounding as wildly far-fetched as the idea.
Yet here she was.
Lisa stood up and followed her outside, until they were far enough away from Betsy to speak at a normal level. Carla hoped the eradication of having to creep around, whispering, would bring some sense to it all.
She spun round to Lisa, stood with her hand in her pocket.
God, she was making her mad. Why was she trying this hard to push her away, stood there like it was so fucking inconvenient for her.
Carla felt sick, and small. And she hated every minute, wished she hadn’t even bothered getting back in that car.
“Lisa, what is going on here?” she asked, her eyes automatically filling with tears, the few that had escaped she swatted violently away.
Suddenly feeling those familiar walls slowly creep back up, loathing every second that it had to be like this. That she had made her feel this way.
“I just- I. Look, I’m sorry okay. I just need some space at the moment” Lisa said, fumbling trying to get the words.
“You’re sorry?” Carla scoffed lightly. Unbelievable. And so disingenuous.
“Why? What have I done Lisa? I just want to be here with you, I don’t understand” she said, her tone shifting immediately back to sadness. She tried reaching for her free hand, which was removed by the blonde, finding it’s way into the pocket of her trousers to match the other.
“Why are you pushing me away Lisa?” she asked, the recoil from the blonde twisting like a knife in Carla’s gut.
“I need to focus on Betsy Carla. I can’t keep giving you my energy. She needs me right now” she said as she wiped at the few tears that dropped. Putting a face on.
Carla could see immediately those traits in her from way back when they started. The need to back away, the defensiveness.
“Okay” Carla muttered, still confused.
Why can’t she do both? Carla didn’t need her attention, she just wanted to hold her hand. Hold both of their hands through this.
“You hate me don’t you” Carla breathed quietly, cutting to it and finding her eyes. Her nostrils flared with emotion as she took a deep breath, bracing. Wasn't really a question, more of an observation.
“No, I don’t hate you. But I hate what has happened to my daughter because of you and-“ Lisa admitted, coldly.
“Lisa, I didn’t even ask Rob to get involved, in fact I actively encouraged against it from the start. I said it was a bad idea, I knew this-“ Carla said, trying to explain. To make sense.
“Carla, I need to get back to my daughter. Is that all?” Lisa said, cutting her off, staring straight through her. As if she didn’t even know her. As if she was speaking to a convict in a meeting room at work.
It hurt, god it hurt so badly.
“Really?” Carla said, her lip trembling. The way she looked at her, the way she was dismissive of her presence. Like she was a horrible regret, like she was dirty.
“Really, Lisa?” she asked again through tears. Really asked,
Are you seriously doing this right now? After everything?
“So what now?” Carla asked.
“I don’t know yet Carla. I just need some time to breathe” Lisa said, so matter of fact.
What on earth was happening?
“Yeah" Carla breathed. Her eyes dropping to the ground as she gathered herself. Shaking her head in disbelief at it all.
"Should’ve trusted your instincts, I guess” Carla said, cutting. Done with it now. Deflated and made to feel small. She turned to go, broken hearted.
“Carla” Lisa stopped her in her tracks. Her voice cracking, barely above a whisper.
And Carla stopped dead, her back still facing her. Unable to turn round, struggling to even look at her anymore without crumbling to her knees. And all she wanted was for her to say,
Hey listen, I’m sorry. God I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said. I love you, you know how much I love you. I’ve fucked up.
I’ve made a mess of things, I’m going to fix it.
Please stay here with me, don’t go baby. I need you.
We’re a team, we’re always going to be a team.
We can figure this out together. I want you by my side.
Any of those would have been enough, enough to have Carla turn, run to her and hold her. Let herself be held by her. All she wanted was a lifeline, something to latch onto and she was so close to clutching for it, close to even offering it herself when Lisa said,
“Thanks” and paused.
Carla waited, staring straight ahead. Her back to the blonde. The air heavy, thick with anticipation.
Carla’s shaking frame stuck, rooted to the ground beneath her feet, waiting for what was next. Hoping.
“For the bag”. she added, before turning on her and making her way back over to Betsy's room.