Work Text:
Jinyuan Sanatorium for Weary Jianghu Travelers Patient Intake Form
(signed off by Admin Jiao)
Name: Li Lianhua
Symptoms: Fatigue, blurred vision, inability to regulate body temperature, persistent cough
Diagnosis: fuck if I know Pending
Treatment: Yao Mo is going to have fun with this one Restorative tonics and rest
Notes: patient may be suffering from delusions as he insists he is a trained doctor yet lacks basic medical knowledge. Tried to convince us his name is Li Lianpeng. Was found to have a soft sword concealed under his clothes; says he was carrying it for a friend.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
Patient Li is settling in well, but prefers to take his daily exercise with a broom in hand to "keep the place tidy". Have not interfered as it seems to make him happy?? He has such a nice smile.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
Patient Li discovered the caretaker's stash of alcohol and got drunk on the roof last night. Was discovered sleeping in a flowerbed this morning. No injuries despite falling three floors??? I'm glad he's alright.
Medic Guan Hemeng to Admin Wuyan:
Important notice that Patient Xie has been exposed as wanted criminal Jiang Wang on the run from Baichuan Court. He was apprehended by a mysterious swordsman in white and has been handed over to Baichuan officials.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
I'm a bit worried about Patient Li, he has suffered a relapse. Could you come and take a look at him? The poor man is so pale.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
What do you mean I have a crush!!! Guan da-ge!!
Apothecary Yao Mo to Director Di:
Permission to use experimental treatment on patient Li, authorization required
Medic Guan to Admin Jiao:
Temporary substitute needed for Apothecary Yao, the patient's failure to respond to treatment has severely depressed him (Apothecary Yao, not the patient)
Admin Wuyan to Director Di:
It has been discovered that patients in wards 2 through 4 have been allowing other patients to trade care items sent from their families for spring books, alcohol and other forbidden materials. The culprits have been expelled.
Admin Wuyan to Director Di:
It has been revealed by Patient Li that the aforementioned misdemeanours were merely a smokescreen for jewels and other treasures of the jianghu to be passed through the sanatorium in an attempt to disguise their origins and confuse investigations. Baichuan Court has been informed.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
Patient Li has started a lovely herb garden on the dormitory windowsill. Permission to let him continue as it is good for patient morale
Admin memo to all staff:
Please note that Patient Li is no longer allowed to grow plants of any kind after his attempts to cook with them caused three chefs to resign on the spot. The kitchens are now short staffed and we will all be surviving on congee for the rest of the week
Admin Wuyan to Director Di:
It has been brought to our attention that the sanatorium is in fact built over the hidden entrance to a concealed mine shaft in a cave that used to be a shrine to the Cult of the Fire Opals, where a mad hermit has survived for twenty years on nothing but the bones of his enemies and spiritual power absorbed from the opals in the rock, which is slowly poisoning him and possibly also the sanatorium's water supply.
The entrance was found by Patient Li who heard "suspicious noises" while he was "tidying the cellar". Petition to restrict Patient Li to the upper levels of the building in future.
Admin memo to all staff:
Patient Li to be placed in solitary detention for being caught in flagrante last night with an unidentified man. Not only does this violate our visitation rules but Medic Guan and Apothecary Yao have been arguing all day about whether infusions of Yang energy are beneficial or not and the entire staff is sick of hearing it.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
Patient Li seems very happy in solitary detention, has asked if he can stay there another week???
Apothecary Yao Mo to Director Di:
Xiansheng please stop sneaking into Patient Li's room at night, the Yang infusions are playing havoc with my treatment plan
Apothecary Yao Mo to Director Di:
What do you mean they ARE the treatment plan
Which of us is the expert here xiansheng
Admin Jiao to Director Di:
Xiansheng, how could you refuse my invitation and choose to spend the night with that skinny madman instead!! How have I displeased you???
Fang Duobing to Director Di:
How is my friend's treatment progressing? I was promised regular updates and I haven't heard anything in weeks. He doesn't reply to my letters either. I would like to remind you that the Fang family is paying for this and we are not used to being swindled. I expect to hear from you by tomorrow or I will pay a visit myself.
Director Di to Fang Duobing:
Your friend will be staying here with me from now on. Don't bother trying to fetch him.
Li Lianhua to Fang Duobing:
Yes alright I'm sorry I ignored your letters before, but please help me this time. I am in urgent need of rescue from a cruel man with insatiable appetites!! Director Di has insulted my virtue on multiple occasions and aims to make me his bed slave!! I rely on you to save me!!
Li Lianhua to Fang Duobing:
I don't know what you mean by saying my last letter sounded fake. I am in grave peril. Danger stalks me at every turn and his name is Di Feisheng. I am but a defenseless old man who never learned the sword, and I beg Young Master Fang to show mercy and come to my aid. Oh and bring Hulijing, I miss her.
Di Feisheng to Li Lianhua:
Stop teasing that boy, what are you going to do if he really shows up, hm?
Admin memo to all staff:
Please note that the East Wing is out of bounds until repairs are complete, following extensive damage caused by the fight between Director Di and Young Master Fang. For reasons unknown there is a seemingly friendly orange dog on the premises. Don't feed her too many scraps.
Admin Wuyan to Director Di:
This servant can't help noticing that Fang Duobing has not yet left, despite his defeat at your hands. It's been suspiciously quiet. I await your orders, xiansheng.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
I haven't seen Patient Li since that terrible fight, I am afraid Director Di has locked him inside his office. I would ask Fang Duobing to help me rescue him but I can't find him anywhere. He wouldn't abandon his friend, would he??
Admin Jiao to Director Di:
Do you have Li Lianhua AND Fang Duobing locked in your office with you? What is going on? Are you doing this to spite me?? Should I send some poisoned wine? Please answer!
Admin Wuyan to Director Di:
Xiansheng are you fucking Fang Duobing too
Admin Wuyan to Director Di:
[letter of resignation]
Admin Jiao to Director Di:
How DARE you!! I WILL poison you all!!!
Director Di to Admin Wuyan:
Before you go please take Admin Jiao with you, I think she could use a holiday.
Apothecary Yao Mo to Director Di:
After years of faithful service this is the respect I get. Director Di has stolen my patient! I herewith resign from the Jinyuan Sanatorium. This elder hopes you all rot without my help.
Medic Guan Hemeng to Director Di:
Stop sneaking in to steal my medicinal salve, xiansheng, you are not being as subtle as you think you are. It is utterly wasteful to use my specially compounded salve for the sorts of activities you are engaging in. Surely your rich young master can afford some scented oils.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Medic Guan Hemeng:
They're doing what
With WHAT
Guan Da-Ge, don't tell me these things
Poor, poor Patient Li
I hope the Yang energy makes him feel better at least
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Director Di:
Don't you dare keep tormenting that nice Mr Li. He deserves peace and quiet so he can recuperate! You and Fang Duobing should be ashamed of yourselves!!!
Director Di to Nurse Su Xiaoyong:
The restorative tonics you left outside my office were much appreciated. Don't worry about Patient Li, he is responding very well to treatment. Quite enthusiastically, even. While you're at it could you ask the kitchens to send up some more food? And tell Medic Guan to stop being so precious about his salves, there are urgent medical procedures at stake.
Nurse Su Xiaoyong to Director Di:
[letter of resignation]
Medic Guan to Director Di:
[letter of resignation]