Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

As the rope was looped around his neck, Merlin knew that there was no one coming to save him.

Arthur had done his best when they first seized Merlin after he struck down the assassin with his magic. It had been a choice between Arthur's death or his secret being revealed. Even now, as the drums sounded announcing his imminent death, Merlin knew he would choose the same.

It was a comfort to him that Arthur had even tried to stop his father before being restrained and put into a cell. It was less of a comfort to think of Gaius—away for a week to address an outbreak of red thrush fever in the village of Greenswood.—coming back to find him dead. 

However, Merlin could not do anything: the sorcerer assassin had managed one last spell and somehow locked Merlin's magic away for a few days. His death sentence was about to be carried out, and there was nothing he could do. There was no one coming to help him.

He would not show the fear that tore at him inside. Uther would not have the satisfaction of knowing he was scared. He kept his face even.

“Because you used your magic to save my son, I grant you this mercy. You are spared the flame and, instead, will be hanged slowly.” Uther stood on the balcony far above him, glaring. “Pursuant to the laws of Camelot, sorcery is outlawed, and the price for such a crime is death. You, Merlin, will now pay the price.” He finished talking, and Merlin watched him raise his hand.

I’m sorry, Mother, Gaius, everyone.  

Uther's hand fell. The wood beneath his feet fell away, and Merlin dropped into the gap. He kicked helplessly as the rope around his neck choked him. Its tightness around his neck was just as painful as the lack of air in his lungs. He struggled against the pain and the death he knew was coming. He needed air… air… air…

He faded as his mind called desperately for the breath he could not give it. His struggles grew weaker. Merlin was no longer aware of time. Of anything, really, except the darkness filling every corner of his mind. 

The only sensation he was aware of before it took him was that of an arm wrapping around him. Of being moved.

“Merlin! You need to breathe… Breathe, you idiot! Merlin!” The voice was distant, but even so, he knew he didn't want THAT voice to be filled with the kind of pain and panic that it currently held.

Everything was blackness. Sensations and sounds both were so distant he could not register them, but the pain in THAT voice somehow managed to cut through. It wanted him to what? To breathe? Merlin tried, or he thought he did. 

“Merlin! That's not much, but it’s something. He’s breathing!”

The voice was no longer as terrified and pained, so Merlin fell back into the darkness. He drifted, hearing bits of conversation. 

“I don’t know how to use magic for that. I didn’t even know I had it until I pulled apart those bars. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Gaius, Morgana! We need to find Gaius!”

“Don’t you think that is exactly where your father would look for us?”

“I don’t care!”

“I’m making sure he stays warm. I don’t know what else to do, his throat is crushed.”

“Good, Guinevere.”

It was almost impossible to focus on any of the words or what they meant. 

He drifted more.

Merlin finally came to semi-awareness all at once, gasping for air desperately through a partly-healing throat. He couldn’t get enough. He couldn’t breathe. He strained his back, arching as he tried to force more air into screaming lungs, and his eyes flew open. 

His vision struggled to clear. He could just make out greenery that might have been a tree against a blue sky above him. 

“Merlin! Merlin?”

There was a sound of running footsteps, and a blurry face appeared above him, a familiar blonde with blue eyes. He opened his mouth to say Arthur's name, but found he couldn’t speak. He just wanted more air. Merlin tried to take deep breaths, but his throat was stopping him. It wasn’t enough, nothing was enough! Air…

“You can’t hear me, can you… I’m trying, Merlin." Arthur reached down and smoothed his hair back, and Merlin forgot to breathe entirely at the tenderness of the gesture. However, Arthur seemed to turn to look at his hand before yanking it back. Merlin could not make out the expression on his face.

“Gaius will come in time and heal him, Arthur. He’ll be alright. He has to be.” Merlin could make out Gwen’s voice as he continued struggling to breathe. Did Arthur's head turn? 

“I should have gone with her to get him,” Arthur said.

“We talked about this. Besides you, she is the best with a sword. I’m good, but not as good as she is. It made sense for her to go.”

“I’m putting her in danger.”

“We’re all in danger now, we chose this.”

Danger, his friends were in danger! Merlin struggled to move and managed to kick his legs.

Two blurry faces came into view again. Arthur and Gwen. Deliriously, he attempted to reach up toward them, but only managed to twitch his arms. His body! He couldn't move his body right!  Merlin desperately tried to move, to shift himself, to sit up, but nothing worked as well as it should.

“I think he’s panicking. He shouldn't be moving.”

Merlin felt pressure on his legs pinning them down, and then a pair of hands pressing down on his arms as well. “Merlin, Merlin! Listen to me.”

Arthur…

“We’re getting help, you need to calm down. You need to relax. That’s an order.” Merlin stopped trying to move. A hand moved over his face, shutting his eyes. “Rest. And don’t you dare die, Merlin.” 

He woke with the feeling of magic in his body, pouring into him, healing and repairing damage. He felt the pain fade, and then his throat opened up. Merlin drew in a long, deep breath of air, and then another and another. He breathed greedily, gasping in as much air as he could. Another deep breath. Then another. Merlin opened his eyes.

“Oh, my boy.”

Merlin looked up at his father figure. “Gaius?” he asked. His voice was hoarse.

“Easy, Merlin. Easy.” Gaius moved a hand to his shoulder reassuringly.

“You were able to heal him?” Merlin turned his head to see Arthur rush over. He knelt next to Merlin, grabbing his arm and helping as Merlin pushed himself into a sitting position and leaned against a tree. The look of relief in his eyes made Merlin’s heart speed up for some reason, but then, of course, Arthur had to be Arthur. “We went to a lot of trouble on your behalf,” he told Merlin in his most prattish tone. "I’m glad you obeyed me for once and decided not to die. It's not like I can find another servant now. So I’m stuck with you despite your incompetence." 

Merlin gave him his best “you’re an ass” look. Then he spotted Morgana behind Arthur, rolling her eyes. “He means he’s glad you’re alright.”

Gwen was beaming from just behind her, her hands playing with each other in suppressed excitement. Both of them were dressed in the same clothes they had worn to help save Ealdor. That was strange. In fact, this was all strange.

“What—?” Merlin began looking around more. He was in a makeshift camp—he could see supplies and sleeping rolls, Arthur's sword leaned against another tree, Gwen’s dress hung over a branch. The forest that surrounded them could be any in Camelot. Its shade sheltered where he now sat.

“We’re on the run,” Gwen told him softly. 

As he processed that, Arthur spoke again, his voice stern, “You should have told me about the magic, Merlin. I would have been able to prepare for something like this happening. I would have been able to think!”

Arthur watched him with a mix of frustration, disappointment, and badly-hidden concern. Then he cleared his throat and started explaining. “My father. He locked me in a cell and took the key, so I could do nothing about him… about him hanging you. Morgana, who also has magic, apparently, visited me in the cell and managed to pull the bars apart enough for me to get out. Guinevere was able to go to the stables and make sure we had horses for our escape.  Morgana got Gaius.”

He paused for a moment before continuing. “It seems my father might be wrong about magic in your case. You should have told me! Merlin, you should have told me!” Arthur finished and let go of Merlin’s arm.

“I wanted to,” Merlin began weakly. “I didn’t know what would happen.” In his worst nightmares, he was always tied to a stake, and Arthur always held the torch. He hadn’t really believed Arthur would burn him… not really. But he hadn’t known how Arthur would respond.

Hurt showed in Arthur’s eyes. 

Before Merlin could continue, Gaius put a hand on Merlin’s shoulder and spoke to Arthur.  “I believe some of the blame for that must fall on me. I urged him to keep his gifts secret and for good reason. You saw what almost happened.”

“I would never do that to Merlin!” Arthur snapped and looked repulsed by the very idea. His hands formed fists as he continued to kneel.

“Nevertheless, sire, we had to be careful,” Gaius continued. 

Merlin's heart lit up at Arthur’s words. This entire ordeal had answered the one burning question he had asked himself so many times. That Will had asked him months ago. Would Arthur still be his friend if he knew the truth? It seemed like he would, and Merlin could not help but smile at that knowledge. 

“Thank you… for accepting me,” he told Arthur, and then flicked his gaze to the others to include them before looking back at his prince. 

Arthur's gaze softened as it remained on Merlin. He took a deep breath. “It was an ‘accept or let you die’ situation, and I was not going to let you die. I’m still…. processing this.”

“You mean we were not going to let him die. I was the one who broke you out, remember,” Morgana interrupted. She looked down at her hands as she spoke. As if she were still startled by what she had been able to do. 

“And I got the horses,” Gwen pointed out before laying a hand on Morgana’s shoulder from behind her.

Arthur looked at Gwen and Morgana from his place next to Merlin. “My point is that I’ve had no time to think about any of this, but neither of you—” he gestured to Merlin and Morgana “—fit what I was taught about magic. I will not believe you are evil.” 

“Magic doesn't fit what Uther taught us about magic,” Morgana said. She seemed more ready to accept an entirely new view of the world, Merlin noted. Arthur, it seemed, was still trying to decide what to think about magic in general. 

Merlin tried to ignore the slight tightness in his chest. He was being stupid. This was a remarkably good response to his magic from Arthur! Better than he could have ever expected. “Arthur, there is something else you should know… I’m not just a sorcerer; people think I will be the greatest sorcerer to walk the earth, eventually. The druids even have a special name for me: Emrys.”

Arthur stared at him as if trying to make this idea fit in his mind. After a moment, he shook his head slightly and just responded with a, “Right, greatest sorcerer, you are the greatest sorcerer… right.”

“I told you because you should know the truth. Please don’t treat me differently, I'm still me.” Merlin could not keep the slightest hint of a tremble out of his voice. He did not want his friends seeing him as some all-powerful figure to hold in awe. He wanted them to see him as himself. 

Gaius knew about Merlin's destiny and still treated him like a son! Surely his friends could still treat him as himself, too.

Arthur’s eyes softened at his plea. Morgana and Gwen’s expressions also shifted from shock to understanding as he spoke. And Merlin felt himself start to smile as he realized he didn’t need to worry.

“You all need to make a plan.” Gaius stood, bracing himself on his knees before pushing himself up. “The king will be searching for you, assuming that Merlin enchanted you to act how you did.”

Merlin opened his mouth, but Morgana spoke before he could. “Arthur will have to take his place.”

Merlin knew there was no chance of that even as Morgana said it. Arthur would never agree. Sure enough, Arthur was instantly on the defensive.

“I cannot usurp my own father!” Arthur stood and glared at Morgana. “And that could cause a civil war. I will not do that to the people of Camelot. People would die, Morgana. Does that mean nothing to you?” 

“People are already dying now!” Morgana exclaimed. “Magic users just like Merlin and me!”

Arthur’s gaze traveled between Merlin and Morgana, and he took a deep, steadying breath before responding, “Then we stop that.”

“How?” Morgana demanded.

“We need to find allies.” Merlin pushed himself away from the tree. Part of him regretted that Arthur was no longer there holding him. But he reminded himself he was doing just fine sitting on his own, so there was no reason to want Arthur’s help. “If there are allies in Camelot, we can learn if something is happening and help those accused. If Uther’s target is outside Camelot, we can warn them out here too.”

He heard Gaius take a deep breath. “You are going to ask me to be one of your spies.” Merlin looked up at his mentor and father figure with apologetic eyes. “Not… exactly, but if you want to volunteer, it would be good.” He gave Gaius his best hopeful smile. 

Gaius scoffed, “In for a silver, in for a gold, I suppose. I will help. I have done it before, after all, and you all best find a place to hide and get allies out here soon too.” He wagged a finger at them. “The king has an army. Now, Merlin, we will need a way to contact each other. Enchant a raven to come to me and carry a message back to you if I need it to do so. I correspond with healers from all over, so it will not be suspicious.” 

Merlin nodded as Gaius spoke. He could do this. 

Arthur crouched down next to Merlin again and set his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. Startled, Merlin met his eyes. Arthur examined him with an unexpected intensity—and Merlin was suddenly breathless again. Apparently, he was not as recovered from his brush with death as he had thought. 

“You are alright, though?” Arthur asked. 

“Fine,” Merlin gasped out. “Gaius’s healing magic is powerful.”

Arthur didn’t look entirely convinced, but let go of his shoulder after a few more moments. 

“Gaius,” Gwen began, “while you are here, there are a few people in the lower city I know who might be able to help you. We should talk before you leave.”

The physician nodded to Gwen and looked at Merlin again. He seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking again. “There is someone I should tell you about. A potential ally.” 

“Tell us,” Arthur commanded. Morgana also looked up with interest, adding, “I have some ideas for allies as well after this.” 

Oddly, instead of meeting their eyes, Gaius continued to look at Merlin. “Merlin, have you ever heard the name Balinor? Has your mother mentioned him?”

Merlin tilted his head to the side. “Should she have?” He was curious who his mother might know who could help them. 

“Balinor is the last Dragonlord,” Gaius began.

Merlin could practically feel everyone's excitement. Though it was tinged with worry in Arthur's case, judging by his expression. Merlin himself had no idea what Dragonlord meant, but it sounded powerful. 

“What’s a Dragonlord?” he asked. 

“They were sorcerers who could talk to dragons and control them. Uther had them hunted to all but extinction along with the dragons.”

“But this Balinor survived? Why does my mother know him?”

“Because he hid from Uther with her for a while,” Gaius continued. “Because he is your father.”

Merlin froze. He was barely aware of Gwen moving to place a hand on his shoulder. He leaned back, away from Gaius. “My father?” His voice broke as his mind rushed with thoughts. 

He had a living father? Why had his father left them if he was still alive? His mother had never told him. Neither had Gaius. Why hadn’t they told him?

“Why did no one tell me?!” Merlin stumbled to his feet, barely avoiding tripping over a tree root as his voice rose. 

“Merlin…” Gaius looked up at him.

“I had a right to know.” Merlin clenched and unclenched his fists.

“Your mother wanted…”

“No.” He would not let Gaius make excuses for this. “I had a right to know!” Merlin’s voice broke again with emotion as he spoke. Gaius didn’t understand! He viewed the old physician as a father, but he had always wondered about the man who had caused him to be born. He had wondered if he was like him, what life would have been like if he were there. When the other children called him a bastard, he had asked his mother what it meant. His mother had said it meant that his father was not married to her, that he had been a wonderful accident, and the best surprise in her life. But still, he had always wondered!

They had kept it from him! Gaius and his mother. People he loved with all his heart. Merlin stumbled a few feet and grabbed a tree as he tried to calm down. The anger that had entered him as soon as he knew what had been kept from him quieted slowly. This was Gaius and his mother he was talking about. Besides, it was he who had quickly stopped trying to ask his mother questions. Her eyes had gone sad whenever he did, and Merlin had not wanted her to be unhappy.

He had assumed it meant his father was dead. As much as he wished they had just told him, he couldn’t live his life staying mad at them for not answering questions he had not asked, and he couldn’t let Gaius leave with things like this. 

Merlin turned back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...” 

Gaius held up a hand as if to brush off the need for an apology. “I know.” 

Merlin stepped forward to hug his mentor, pressing his head into the other man’s shoulder. “Be careful in Camelot,” he whispered. 

“The same goes for you, my boy,” Gaius said, hugging him in return. “Wherever you go.”

When Merlin let go of Gaius, he looked at the others.

Arthur, now sitting on a log nearby, trailed a stick in the dirt. He had his tactics face on. A circle formed, and then a line through it. “We need to split up, find who we can find, and then meet up again. We’ll need more than just one man, even if he is a Dragonlord.”

He paused to scuff his drawing with his boot, then began to draw with the stick again. This time, a rough map slowly took shape. “I know of a few caves we could stay in eventually. This one here is close to Camelot, but not as close as the others.” He jabbed the stick in his makeshift map. “More importantly, it’s well hidden, and I would be willing to bet no one chasing us knows about it. None were with us when Morgana and I discovered it.”

Morgana moved over to the map, nodding. “I remember.” She didn’t bow her head to look down at it, instead kneeling and using her eyes to look down her nose.

Arthur met her gaze as she stood up again. “Merlin and I will try to find Balinor and any others on the way if we turn out lucky. Morgana, you can take Gwen and try to find others. I know I should go with you to protect you, but…”

Morgana waved a hand. “Please, I don’t need your protection. Splitting up this way is best.”

Gwen tossed a branch into the nearby campfire. “I wish we knew where Elyan was, or Lancelot. Perhaps they will come this way when they hear what happened. Though Elyan did not even come when our father died.” As Gwen stiffened, Morgana wrapped an arm around her. For once, the confident noblewoman looked a bit chagrined. “I might know where he is,” she admitted.

Gwen gave Morgana a sharp look. She opened her mouth and closed it. Merlin guessed she would talk about it with Morgana later. Morgana seemed to anticipate the same thing. She had a worried look in her eyes as she continued. “So, for us, Elyan and the druids. We helped the druid boy. Perhaps they can help us if we can find them.”

Merlin listened to them all, trying not to remember it was them and whoever they found against a potential army. “We should also keep an eye out for other magic users,” he added. “They might want to help us if they know Arthur will legalize magic when he becomes king.” 

“If I become king,” Arthur corrected in a rare moment of vulnerability. He stood and walked to brace himself against a tree, so his face was turned away from them. “When my father realizes I did all this of my own volition, something tells me it might affect things. Besides, we're on the run.”

“When you become king,” Merlin said firmly. “This will not last forever, and when you do take over, you will be greater as a ruler for knowing your subjects outside of Camelot better. And knowing what magic is really like.”

Arthur looked back from his tree and met Merlin’s eyes. He stared at them intently for a while before smiling slightly. “That almost sounded wise. You should try being like that more often instead of your typical idiocy.” 

“And that almost sounded like being nice, you should try that more often instead of your typical prattiness,” Merlin snapped back. 

There was a sound from beside them both. They turned. 

“Sorry.” Gwen had a hand over her mouth. “Carry on. Though we might want to get going.”

Morgana, sitting next to her, was not even trying to hide her grin. “Oh no, Gwen, let this continue a bit.”

Arthur’s eyes flicked back and forth between the two women, clearly confused, before he jabbed a finger at them. “We are not putting on a show for your benefit!”

Morgana rolled her eyes. “Of course not, it’s obvious why you and Merlin enjoy arguing so much.” She marched off to help pack up their makeshift camp with Arthur following, likely to demand an explanation.

Merlin's mouth twitched slightly as he watched them go. Why did she think they argued? It was because Arthur was a prat. Well, that and arguing was fun. And banter meant they were both alright. 

Merlin went off to pack for himself and Arthur. Gwen met him at the horses as she secured bags on her and Morgana’s mounts. She caught Merlin’s eyes and smiled slightly. “One of them is going to be impossible now.”

“Whoever loses the argument,” Merlin concluded with a laugh. Gwen joined in.

Then she sobered. Her lips pursed together. “She says she might know where my brother is. Why would she have kept that from me? How could she keep it from me?”

Merlin felt for Gwen. Not just because they both now knew that people they cared about had kept a family member from them, but because Gwen never deserved this. Gwen deserved the world. He wished he could help or reassure her… but he didn’t know what to say.

“I might not be the best person to ask…” He paused and realized why Gwen might think he had an answer. “I did keep secrets, but only because I had to.”

“But that’s exactly why I’m asking you.” Gwen's brown eyes locked on his as she ran a hand down her white horse’s neck. “You had good reasons. They may not have been fully right, as we did not turn on you, but you had good reasons, Merlin. I’m hoping she does too. Perhaps you can figure out hers.”

“I can’t guess her reasons. I’m sorry, Gwen.” Merlin tied a pack to a horse. “Perhaps ask Gaius.” He realized that had come out more bitter-sounding than he had meant to and added,  “Morgana cares about you, though, Gwen. I know that.” It was all he could say to try to reassure her. 

Merlin folded a blanket in silence for a moment before Gwen spoke up, watching him. “There is something on your mind, isn't there?” she asked him. “Is it about the magic?”

Merlin sighed as he tied a saddlebag. “Yes. I think Arthur is still wary of magic users or magic itself. I had hoped that if he accepted me, it would mean he would instantly be alright with all magic. But it will take time.” Merlin let out another breath. It really had been stupid of him to expect that. “He agreed to rescue people; that’s what’s important for now.” 

Gwen considered what he said with all her focus, as always, as she continued to pack. “Magic is a form of power, I think. Power corrupts the greedy. It's not always used well. We’ve all seen that.”

Merlin stroked the mane of his horse. “Some people do use it for evil, but I don’t want him to fear it and think Morgana and I are just some exception.” He trailed off before adding almost hesitantly, “I don’t want him to be afraid of something that is such a part of me.”   

“Then show him what magic can be! Show him its good side.” Gwen told him, “The druids might be helpful there, and your father. I don’t think Arthur’s afraid of you, Merlin, perhaps afraid for you…”

“Thank you…” Merlin paused. “Gwen?”

“Yes?” Gwen closed the saddlebag and secured its strap.

“I’m sure Morgana had a reason.”

Gwen looked at him evenly. “I know. I just need to decide what I do based on what it is.” She patted her horse and then spoke up again. “I should go tell Gaius the names of people who can help.”