Chapter Text
I’m not noble, never have been.
I remember her words distinctly, the way they cut through me.
‘You’re a coward and you always have been. You abandoned a promising scientific career because people didn’t like the paper you wrote. You retreated to the safety of children who worship you for being the cool teacher. You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak. You avoid risk like the plague.’
I remember trying to flee from her office, to avoid being sentenced to death on the Hail Mary. Meknikov’s grasp was impenetrable, forcing me to face Stratt and the cold look in her eyes.
‘You’re murdering me! I don’t want to die! Don’t send me off to die! Please!’
I hate that Stratt is right. I am a coward.
I think back to my hesitance in pursuing relationships, romantic or platonic. I never bothered after a certain point in my life, having faced numerous instances of rejection. I’m not unattractive or anything, I’m just weird. I’ve been called that since the day I was born. I pursued a PhD in molecular biology with a concentration in astrobiology. I willingly argued with leading scientists in my field, of course people find me off-putting! I never know when I’m taking it too far, and that inevitably pushes people away from me in a 10-mile radius.
‘You only care about your stupid research, Ryland! You don’t invest any interest in me.’
Why would I pursue a romantic partner knowing they will inevitably find me too overwhelming to be around? They’d leave me behind, and I’d be stuck alone all over again, facing the same circumstances that plague my existence. It’s not like I’ll get to try again anyway… the opportunity is long gone. I’m probably going to die out here.
‘Why can’t you just be fucking normal, Ryland!’
No matter what I do, it will never be enough for another person because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I cower away from people. I don’t have an ounce of courage in my blood.
I am a coward. Yet, I saved him. I did whatever I could with every fiber of my being to get Rocky into the airlock. Suffering severe ammonia burns was worth it because I care so deeply about him, even if I’ve only known him for a few months. But the memory of Stratt’s words makes me question myself. Was it really out of selflessness, or was I just afraid of being left to die alone on the Hail Mary?
I remember his last words to me: ‘Save… Earth… Save… Erid.’
He sacrificed himself for me, fully believing I’d be capable of saving our planets. But what if he didn’t make it? I remember the horrifying smell of smoke billowing from Rocky’s radiator slits. The visceral smell of ammonia in the air, burning my eyes and respiratory tract. I remember his motionless body. I imagine if he really did die.
Where would I be without Rocky? I’d be alone again, isolated in the confines of this metallic coffin. I wouldn’t be capable of continuing the mission. With all of Rocky’s belongings and xenonite panels strewn about, I’d be living in the ghost of his memory. I would end it all. I never wanted to be on this mission in the first place. I’d use the supply of nitrogen to painlessly die by asphyxiation—characteristic of me to consider the easy way out.
Earth and Erid would die from my incompetence. Project Hail Mary and its Eridian equivalent would have been in vain. God, I’m spiraling—
Until I hear Rocky calling out to me insistently. Tears are streaming out of my eyes.
“Grace!”
“Sorry, what?” I say weakly. The dull ambience of the Hail Mary floods back into my ears. My eyes focus on my surroundings. I’m sitting at my workbench, a project abandoned in front of me. Rocky is sitting across from me on his side of the xenonite partition, looking at me with attentive concern. I must’ve been spaced out for several minutes.
“Why you do repetitive motion, question? You also leak.”
I’ve apparently been rubbing at my arms, self-soothing. I’m caught off guard.
“Oh, uh—y’know, I just have a lot on my mind.” I’ve just shot myself in the foot. I know this answer won’t satisfy him.
There is a long pause before Rocky asks, “Is Grace sad, question?”
Well, he got me there! I can’t weasel my way out of this one, so I admit the truth. “Um. Yeah, actually…” I wipe the tears off my face before continuing. “I was thinking about my past… a lot of distressing memories. Mainly, how isolated I was before leaving Earth. I remember my confrontation with Stratt. She said a lot of harsh things about me, but they were true. I’m not a brave person. I really struggle with connecting with other humans. No one really likes me back on Earth because I’m weird.”
“Grace is weird,” Rocky laughs in a soft chirp.
“Hey!” I let out a lighthearted chuckle before Rocky continues.
“But not weird like bad. Weird like good. I like.” Rocky shifts his weight slowly from side to side, something I’ve come to understand indicates hesitance or anxiety. “I am weird on Erid, like Grace is weird on Earth. Most Eridians very social, able to work together for long time. I am not like this. Is why I work alone in back of Eridian ship by fuel compartment. Feels better.”
I listen to him intently, feeling an odd camaraderie with this alien from a completely different evolutionary lineage compared to me.
“I like being alone on ship… until crew begin to die. I realize I would be only Eridian left.” His voice falls into a lower tone. “Before Grace, I alone. I blame myself when crew die. Not know what cause. Probably die from radiation.”
“When I saw Grace ship on Petrovascope, felt fear but also hope. No longer alone in Tau Ceti. Grace saved Rocky.”
I crack a smile at him, dabbing the newly forming tears out of the corner of my eyes. “I know how you felt. I admit I was scared, but I was very happy to meet you. To not be alone anymore.”
“Yes, happy happy happy,” Rocky trills.
Our conversation lulls. Rocky turns back to tinkering with a tool that would allow him to interact with his laptop more dextrously (it’s hard to use it in a xenonite box). Not like there was much else to do while we wait for Taumoeba-06 to evolve.
I think back to the self-soothing behavior Rocky pointed out. It mimicked the touch of another person, a hug. It’s been years since I last had one, certainly before I was recruited to work on the Petrova problem. I don’t even remember who the last person I embraced was. That’s sad.
I don’t know what compels me to be so vulnerable with him, but I break the silence.
“Rocky, do Eridians touch socially? Sorry, if this is random. It's just been so long since I last touched another person, y’know? I wish I hadn’t taken it for granted back on Earth, even if I didn’t like interacting with other people much…” I sigh before admitting, “I really wish I could hug someone again.”
Rocky sets down his tools, his attention on me. “Not know word… what is hug, question?”
Oh shoot, how do you even explain that to an alien? I guess I just assume this is an experience that transcends humanity, but maybe not. I fumble before saying, “Oh- it’s kinda like the repetitive motion you saw me do, but it’s between two people.”
“What is purpose, question?”
I ponder for a moment, never having explained the purpose of a hug to another person. It’s just so innate in human social norms. “It means to show affection between mates, friends, or just someone you trust. It releases hormones, y’know, the chemical signals in human bodies. For humans, it releases chemicals called oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. It literally makes humans feel happy.”
“I know! Eridian word is ♫♩♩.” Rocky chirps excitedly. He sways in excitement every time we find a commonality between our cultures. It’s really adorable. I take a step away from my workbench to input the word into my translator and return to face Rocky.
“Eridians are same. Is social behavior for maintaining bond with cluster members. Usually with close companions like mates, family, friends. In Eridians, ♫♩♩ reduces stress. ”
Huh, I didn't fully expect that. It’s surprising how similar we are… Eridians socially bond through touch, just like humans. I guess it makes sense given their method of sight—or rather sound. They tap their surroundings to obtain a better image of the world. The same goes for members of their social clusters. I haven’t been touched in 4 years… Rocky was alone in Tau Ceti for 46 years before meeting me…
To say the very least. We are touch-starved.
Rocky’s excitement dwindles before he says, “I hug Adrian much on Erid. Miss Adrian much much much. So long…” He looks dejected. Poor Rocky. My predicament is rookie numbers compared to him.
“You sad because no hug, question?”
I look up at Rocky, meeting his gaze. My arms are wound tight around me. I yearn for any semblance of pressure that isn’t my own.
“I guess so.”
Suddenly, Rocky feels distant. He’s standing directly across from me, but the xenonite barrier feels miles thick. All this talk about hugging and Rocky’s mate… it makes me shrivel inside. Even Rocky’s got someone waiting for him at home. There is no one who cares about me like that back on Earth.
Rocky stamps his foot down decisively. “I will fix. Grace not sad soon.”